The Undeniable Existence of The Soul

Wrong Turns...

2011-04-19T20:37:00.004+03:00

Image By: Igor Jeremic

It is safe to say that life could be summarized by a set of roads leading to certain outcomes, which are, consequently, more roads!

Today, an unexpected reaction to an encounter, forced me think of those roads again, and of all those turns I've taken that lead to the road that I am currently on.

Somehow, the events of today made more impact on me than any other gut wrenching events that I have experienced lately and all those "ifs" and "maybes" came crashing down on me like hot meatballs in a spaghetti bowl!

And although I'd like to consider myself wise enough to let go of what could have been and try to deal with what is, I am unable to move past the fact that I seem to have taken so many wrong turns which have left me on a road that only leads to thorns and thunderstorms, of the heart and soul.

In a way, I feel responsible for this end, for where I am. On the other hand, I bitterly hold it against many people out there; those who have been reasons for many of my stops, sudden breaks and unplanned detours.

I just wish it didn't hurt this bad, or feel this painful. I just wish that my heart wasn't ripping away double time in my chest.

Somehow, I feel like the world is made of glass and I'm right at the edge of the only hard solid seat in the house. If I fall, my whole life will shatter into pieces. But I just keep slipping...

The Hard Way...

2011-04-01T14:18:00.003+03:00

Image By: LL Geoff

Introduction...

As a person who NEVER got ANYTHING on a silver plate, I should have known better than to expect things to be easy and for problems to, eventually, solve themselves with time!

I was wrong, and I won't be ashamed of admitting my mistakes.

I won't blame where I am now on anyone but myself, although, GOD ONLY KNOWS, the elements and factors that lead me to the place I am right now.

I guess if I want to analyze it all, it all comes down to one thing and one thing only: my inexhaustible desire/need to BELONG to someone, something, anything!

Given the fact that I am well aware of my life's overall blunders, I now can see the size of the mistakes I have done in just in order to feel normal for once. And yet sadly, I never did.

Now that I am here, in a place where I feel trapped, alone and so insecure, I figure that I need to realize the next step and take it with careful considerations so at least when I fall this time, I can fall better.

The Hard Way...

This will not be easy since I will be utterly and completely honest about how I feel towards everyone and everything in my life because I need to set myself free from all the guilt, pain and fear that I find myself wrapped in every single day for the last many years...

However, the hard way has been the way for me. So here it goes:

1. Friends:

Oh how I have longed to have "real" friends for as long as I can remember. At times, I wanted friends to take care of me and at others, I wanted friends that I could take care of. Regardless of the reasons for this desire, I stand here and I look around me and at the "friends" that I have in my life, and I find that I have never been there for those whom I wanted to be there for (as a result of my sulking in my own crap) and the friends that were supposed to have been there for me abandoned me when I needed them the most.

But I don't blame them, I blame myself cause I should have known better, I should have expected less and I should have, at some times, been more.

However, now that I am where I am, I finally get it: I have been blessed with good friends at my most darkest times and their memories will live with me for as long as I will live. Yet, it ends there.

I promise myself in front of all of you that I will not run after friendships any longer, even if it means I will end up alone. Alone without friends is better than being with friends who only make you feel miserable, who only want you when you are happy or friends who want to control your life.

2. Family:

God only knows the number of days and nights that I have spent trying to be a good sister and daughter (even if it was my own definition of good).

Every day, I walk around with the burden of guilt towards those I want to be "perfect" for and yet can never ever be.

Don't get me wrong, I understand that I am not even close to being anything anyone wants me to be simply because I can't. But I really tried so hard. And I failed.

So I apologize.

And I also extend my apologies to include the fact that I will stop trying to be someone who I am not and for all the mistakes that I will keep doing until I eventually learn to do things otherwise, or until I die.

I will not allow the guilt of me not being there for those who push me away eat me up from inside any longer, even though I love them so much. I need to focus on me because the damage has gotten too far!

3. Love:

My story with love is the reason that I started writing many many years ago.

I must admit, love was kind to me at times and yet it kicked me in the face so many times that sometimes, when I look at the mirror, I don't recognize myself from the swelling!

If I sit alone with my thoughts for more than 5 minutes, the video of my failed love relationships plays over and over in my head. I dwell and dwell and yet never have I been able to figure out why is my luck in love this way. And is it my luck to begin with? Or the messed up choices that I make?

Regardless, today, I don't care about the reasons why Mr. X left me or Mr. Y cheated on me, or why and why my feelings to Mr. Z changed! That is besides the point simply because it happened and it ended and I have a long way to go already without the weight of ifs, whys and others holding me down.

Maybe I didn't deserve it, maybe I did.
Maybe I was the one, maybe I wasn't.

No one will be able to ever tell the difference. So, why should I even try? Why should I feel that I am not good enough? Or someone else is not good enough for me? Does it really make it any better? Never.

Whether I have given up on love with all its accompanying happiness and grief is still to be determined.

As for now, I would like to, for once, learn to love myself for the things I have worked so hard and so long to construct within me. Because that it what matters at the end; when I am in bed, sleepless, thoughtful and trembling with heart ache, that is the only thing that matters: who I am (and never who I was/am/will be for someone who might pick up and leave any time and for whatever reason it maybe).

Wow... It feels so good to let it all out. I hope this feeling lasts. And I will keep writing whenever the world seems to deaf to hear me. And I will keep looking for answers because there is no use of being alive otherwise.

I just wish that one day, I can find the peace I have been looking for...

March 23, 2011

2011-03-22T23:59:00.005+02:00

Photo By: ClaWeD One

You might wonder about the title of this post, and you might not... Whatever you to decide to do, it is your own choice and I won't try to convince you otherwise!

However, allow me to try and explain the reason for it...

The title marks a new realization,
Of my current situation!
(And my past many as well)

It is a stamp and a final conclusion,
For the end of my every illusion!
(Of a better day)

Smile with others... Yet cry alone,
And never mute your pain with a drone...
(But keep"silent" on)

Lose yourself into you,
There's no shame in being blue...
(Very, very blue)

Be one with nature, not with another,
You don't need a merciless lover...
(Or friend)

Let go and just be,
Wait not for someone to set you free...
(And free you will be)

Water Tap...

2011-03-22T23:43:00.004+02:00

Photo By:ClaWeD One

People's words are like nothing but broken taps indeed,
They always whisper to you whatever words you need!

They fill up buckets with useless promises & lies,
They then look you, reassuringly, in the eyes...

Wet and useless, each drop drops!
Yet you're alone, when your heart stops!

Silence... I can't hear it's beat,
I'm weeping, I'm weary and 'm beat!

But it's okay, it's alright,
No need to fuss, no need to fight!

I will retire...
For I am really tired...

I can't take any more...
I won't knock on this door...

Fools We Are!

2011-03-22T23:23:00.003+02:00

When I needed a savior,
I thought it'd be you, but I was wrong!

Damn, this sounds like an old 50's song!

But it's not...
It's my guilty plea...

I am who I am, and sadly, no one else could I be!

But again, that's not the point...

But what the hell is?

I seriously doubt there is one!

I mean love, devotion, compassion, and all that crap...

Who cares?

All those ifs and maybes...

Then what?

Foolish...

Nothing more, nothing less!

Bowling Balls!

2011-03-22T22:56:00.005+02:00

Photo By: aubrey_54

As I sit here all alone, trying so hard to soak my pain in, suddenly, it all turns into sheer, pure irony!

And as the colors and holes of the bowling balls frolic around so happily in my exhausted mind, I am reminded of the ignorance and sadness of human beings; how pitiful they can be...

Therefore, instead of writing a short poem about the pain I feel and how alone I am, I decide to revert to irony, hoping that it could somehow have the power to lift these shadows away from my weeping heart!

How little is our realization of how lucky can be,
And how unlucky we really are!

How sad it is to need some closeness,
While closeness remains so far!

How ignorant we are of our blessings,
Until they walk us by!

How much we want to live the moment,
Yet then we say goodbye!

How much value we place on friendship,
Then we end up alone!

How invisible we think we are,
Though we're only flesh & bone!

The colors of the bowling balls haunt me, and I realize the intensity of this ache...
I listen to my music and, just like a fragile piece of glass, I break, break and break...

Trapped in Limbo...

2011-03-19T08:35:00.001+02:00

In my own mind, I wake up trapped,
Just like I did when I fell asleep...
The world is a movie that I watch while wrapped,
In endless thoughts that scream and weep!

Like a leafless tree I stand tall yet clueless,
Wondering what the next step should be...
Every solution I produce turns out to be useless,
And every one around me is too blind to see!

In my own heart, there are a billion questions,
About love, hope, family, life and chances...
I try hard to answer it back with empty suggestions,
Avoiding its doubtful and attacking glances!

Like a headless bird I fly, with no direction,
Aiming towards something I don't even know!
Needing more than warmth; purer protection,
Like a little girl, lost in the big white snow!

Stuck in limbo, been there for years now,
Every shore I reach seems like a trap!
To life's unfunny tricks I give a fat bow,
While I count every disappointment and mishap!

Yellow Heart

2011-02-22T09:52:00.000+02:00

My wilted yellow heart aches,
My nightmare never breaks...

Like an infinite ride,
I run and you hide!

The ache is too painful,
Your words, too hateful...

The sorrow eats me away,
How long will your record play?

Nothing but lies & lies,
No emotions in your eyes...

Barely able,
Hardly stable.

I call for God's mercy to let me go,
I ask for reasons, you don't even know!

Little Fat Liar!

2011-02-22T09:48:00.003+02:00

A little fat liar knocked at my door,

I didn't recall seeing him before!

I opened my door & let him inside,
Never choosing to look behind!

The little fat liar broke my home down,
I begged him with tears to stop!
He watched me beg, he watched me frown,
His innocent act he refused to drop!

Now my home is a living hell,
Yet he remains alive & well!

The little fat liar got what he wants,
My life he stole & my dreams he still haunts!

A Dash of Narcissism?

2011-01-15T00:32:00.003+02:00

Wide brown eyes that pierce the soul with questions,
Dark covers comfortably lay over a beautiful mind...

Pulling me into multifarious different directions,
Taking me onwards, somehow erasing behind...

Wordless - Painless.

Unintended.

A dash of narcissism...
A pinch of egoism...

And a perfectly guilty smile...

Feel Me, Read Me, See Me

2010-12-21T23:48:00.008+02:00

Photo By: Beirut

Read me like a puzzle; with all of its missing pieces,
Like a children's book which you read to your nieces!

Dive into my complications...
Live my realizations...

Hear me like a lullaby; see how two could become one;
As if joined, share my joy & the sweat from an endless run...

Come into my revelations,
Ride the aspirations...

See me, as I am and not whom you expect me to be,
Like a ship at bay; still not ready to sail out to the sea...

Walk by my insanities,
Decipher my realities...

Feel me, like a winter's chill or a summer's fall,
Like an old lady's smile and a baby's first crawl!

I'm nothing but a girl finding me way through...
I'm nothing but a girl with many keys and no clue!

A Cradle for My Sleepless Soul...

2010-12-21T23:11:00.005+02:00

In you, I have unearthed a cradle for my sleepless soul,
I've found you a temporary escape into my heart's parole!

With you, I float in an air of lightness and a hushed serenity,
I've found you a branch to hold onto a few steps from insanity!

Beside you, I feel as whole as a full moon on a summer's night,
I've found your beats a haven and in your rhythms I see the light!

As I hear you, I unfold, fold and unfold again, again and again,
I've found you to be my "happy pill", the lift and the crane!

As I live you, I am unplugged from the chaos inside my head,
I've found you to be the time when all thoughts to go to bed!

Sweet music: you are never the cause and always the cure,
The only true friend I have; always guiding me to the way to endure...

Words from Experience...

2010-12-21T22:41:00.004+02:00

I wish I knew these things before... I would have done so many things differently...

I have learned to cherish every moment I have with a good friend because life happens and all that is left are memories of great times that might never be repeated again!

Good friends are like gray whales (almost extinct). So when you find them, make sure you let them know how much you value their friendship any chance you have.

Don't complain that your phone doesn't stop ringing: it's only when the ringing stops that you will appreciate it!

When you feel down and can't think of one person to talk to and share your troubles with, you need to start rethinking about who you can call a "friend".

Stop thinking that you live on hope; it's a myth! You live on food and water (or earth if I'm being sarcastic)!

No one is 100% bad; however, how bad is the bad part is what you have to consider!

Living by the rules or breaking them is a choice you have to make on your own... Just like you alone will have to live with the consequences!

Beauty doesn't get you anywhere good. Trust me, you don't want to be surrounded by people who only care about being with you as far as the bed (or sofa - whichever floats your boat)!

Laughter is as important as tears... One lifts the spirits while the other frees it!

Words are empty shells which can't kill you but can really bruise!

(To be continued)

Positivity with A Twist!

2010-12-21T14:18:00.007+02:00

Image By: Eric Clapton

Many people define being positive by one's ability to see things in a "good" light regardless of how bad or ugly they are. They estimate a person's positivity by how much pain, disrespect, anger and stress he/she can take without losing that "special smile" - even if it was a fake one :)

However, the longer I think about positivity, and the deeper I try to understand it, I realize that many positive "thoughts" are mainly lies we feed ourselves in order to fill our hunger for real happiness and peace of mind.

Allow me to share a few examples with you:

Good things happen to those who wait.

But how long can you wait? And what if they come after you don't need them anymore? Are they still considered good?

You should see the glass half full.

What if the full half is full of crap? Poison? Or just some rotten juice? Isn't the glass better half empty then?

Wherever you go, no matter what the weather, always bring your own sunshine.

What if it was scorching hot and a drought was in the horizon? You bring more sun? Or you just get some of your "gloomy" clouds to try to help?

If you don't get everything you want, think of the things you don't get that you don't want.

I'd rather think about the things I don't want but still get!

If you don't think every day is a good day, just try missing one.

I'm sure whoever wrote this never tried missing one so he really has no solid grounds for his assumption!

Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.

At the same token, attitude could be a big thing that makes a little to no difference!

Happiness is an attitude. We either make ourselves miserable, or happy and strong. The amount of work is the same.

2 things: You can be miserable and strong or happy and weak. Also, making ourselves happy and strong needs more work, that is if we can find a right definition for happy to begin with!

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.

.... and suffering from sever neck pains!

Defeat is not bitter unless you swallow it.

What if you try to inject it? Or even sniff it?

The only disability in life is a bad attitude.

However, some of the many successful people in life carry around a bad attitude and this is what got them where they are!

My riches consist not in the extent of my possessions, but in the fewness of my wants.

Okay. But how about the needs? They are many, aren't they? Or those could be chopped up as well?

There are no menial jobs, only menial attitudes.

Have you ever visited one of the sweatshops where the workers are beaten, harassed, abused and rarely paid? I have! Therefore, I totally disagree!

(To be continued)

More Power to the Donkeys!

2010-12-15T22:15:00.005+02:00

The topic of animals and their rights has been circulating my head recently.

Since many people out there dare to compare humans to animals, and since this comparison has been made in front of me a few times lately, I would like to speak on behalf of the animals (not that I claim to be as smart as they are!).

How do we dare to claim we better than animals?

Let's take donkeys, yeah donkeys! They are smarter than us! At least, they learn from their experiences. How many human beings do?

How about dolphins? I bet you can teach them things you can never teach to a university student finishing his MBA!

Forget learning.. Let's move on:

When it comes to killing: Tell me which animal kills just for the hell of it - just for kicks? How many animals do you know killed other animals for money, power or revenge? I dare you to name just one!

Not enough? Okay, here's some more:

How many animals cunningly plan to destroy trees to make paper? How many animals try to kill nature to build fancy buildings? Or better yet, how many animals do you know drive luxurious cars which widen the whole in the ozone layer? (Yes, the ozone layer, remember it?)

Come on people!

Your cat comes and licks your face when you cry... She is able to show compassion. How many people do you know who are able to do the same?

Your dog protects you when he feels your in trouble... He is able to sense your fear. How many friends do you know who would feel that?

All I am asking here is for you to count to ten, just ten, before considering a comparison between human beings and animals, simply because it is unfair! Unfair I tell you!

Think about it... Or just ignore what I'm saying and prove my point! It's up to you!

Boredom Falls!

2010-12-15T21:52:00.006+02:00

For some reason, my appetite for writing seems to be at its peak. And somehow, for the first time ever, I feel like writing about things other than the ordinary crap such as love, pain and all those endless topics which I could write about forever!

As I thought of which topic to choose for this particular post, the title "Darkness Falls" appeared in my head. For all you horror-movie-loving freaks, I am sure this name is familiar. For the others, I think you get the idea!

Since I feel that I am consumed with boredom lately, I think it's a good idea to talk about it especially that this type of boredom is terribly horrific; it should probably be made into a blockbuster horror movie!

Here it goes... And I kid you not!

I am bored!

Bored of boredom itself,
Bored like a forgotten book on a dusty shelf!

I am bored!

Wherever I go it is there,
Boredom seems like another particle in the air!

I am bored!

If I am eating, drinking or sleeping,
Whether I am laughing or weeping!

I am bored!

And I have dreams to follow, I promise it's true,
But this boredom is haunting me whatever I do!

I am bored!

Bored of people, chats, interactions and talks,
Bored of books, movies, going out and walks!

I am bored!

Though I'm not idle or lazy!
Damn this boredom, it's driving me crazy!

I am bored!

And I think that it sucks when boredom falls,
Oh how happily it bounces of the mind's walls!

The Mobile Phone Parody!

2010-12-15T21:16:00.004+02:00

For as long as I can recall, dad and I never used to agree about... well, more or less anything! I can actually remember a time when I used to wonder: "Are we really related? Could it be that I had another father, a real one, who mom never told me about?"

Since those are issues that will never be resolved except after a DNA test., let's move on to the topic I would like to pick your brain on today: Mobile phones!

My dad never owned a mobile phone, until less than a year ago. He argued that when he wanted to be located "and harassed" he would be at a certain place - work or home - and people could reach him there. Otherwise, he preferred not to be bothered and felt he was better off without the constant interrogation of: "Where are you? What are you doing? When are you coming?"

That always used to astonish me! I mean really: It's amazing that you can be in touch with everyone all the time. Right?

Wrong!

The mobile phone has managed to transform itself from a tool for necessary communication into a tracking device then evolved - devolved, rather - to a blaming apparatus!

Forget about the global obsession with mobile brands, models, updates and software. Also, forget about the demonic possession accompanied with buying a Blackberry or an iPhone. I am just talking about the not-so-obvious problems that having any mobile phone impose!

Blame Me Not!

Well, I am one of the many victims of the mobile phone. I am sure after reading this post, you will see yourself in the same place as I am as well!

Have you ever dosed off in front of your TV and woke up to find 3 missed calls and 2 messages? You check to see who it is and you find out the following:

The 3 missed calls and the message are from the same person.
The first message went something like this: "Are you okay? I tried calling you, you didn't pick up when I called!"
The second message read as follows: "Are you upset from me? Did I do something to piss you off?"

By the time you are done analyzing the situation, you wish you never owned a phone or even worse, you wish you never woke up!

However, still that can be seen as cute!

How about this situation:

You are busy with whatever or you just want to be alone. You start getting calls and for some reason or another, you decide not to pick up! A few days later, you find out that x is bad mouthing you or when you meet him/her, you get the cold shoulder. When you ask why, you get this answer: "Why didn't you pick up when I called?"

And it doesn't end here...

You try to explain that you were busy, and that seems outrageous to many!

You try to explain that you need time alone, and the psychoanalysis begins!

Come on people; when did having a mobile phone automatically mean that it will be with you 24/7? And who said we have an obligation to picking up very call we get and reply to every message we receive?

I wonder: who changed the laws of social interaction and forgot to send me the draft?

Oh, I have to end this here because my phone is ringing... Don't want to piss someone off now, or do we? :)

An Illusion of a Home...

2010-12-14T12:17:00.009+02:00

What is a home...

Without smiles that bounce off the walls?
Without pictures to liven up the silent halls?

What is a home...

Without an embrace after a day's rush?
Without hope and love in absolute lush?

What is a home...

Without a soul to hear my tears at night?
Without someone to stop this internal fight?

What is a home...

Nothing but stones, mud and nails,
A harbored ship which never sails!
A mystical cat with many furry tails!

An illusion of a home... Nothing more, nothing less...

I Long for You...

2010-12-14T10:53:00.007+02:00

I long for you...

For the endless nights,
For the shallow fights,
For the dimmed lights...

I long for you...

Every morning when I open my eyes,
Every time I try to mute the sighs,
Often, when I am consumed with cries!

I long for you...

A free shore for my restless trip,
A warm embrace after a wet dip,
A cure from every poison's sip!

I long for you...

And I wonder: where you are,
How could you be so far,
& what do I do with this scar?

The Pain Chart!

2010-12-14T10:26:00.003+02:00

For almost everything in life, there is a chart. Charts, simply pit, are graphical representations of information which allow us and others to understand the subject at hand more clearly through visuals.

Therefore, I wonder now, can matters of the heart be put into a chart and explained for dimwits who lack the ability to see and for ourselves to be able to see better?

Think about this:

A pain chart... Where would your pain rank?

Way at the top, or down under the last name,
How would the pain you feel rank today?
Add to that your loss of interest in the "game",
And people's desire to hurt and to play!

Although dwarfed by chaos and death,
Your pain remains alive and well,
You're out of fights and out of breath,
Degraded, jaded, invaded cell by cell!

Who can you compare to on the pain chart?
How can one measure matters of the heart?

"Damn the pain, and damn the chart!
Now that you and I are forever apart!"

Inspired by a fellow writer, and a friend...

Ejaculation!

2010-12-10T14:56:00.003+02:00

Writing is another form of explosion;

It is a higher state of ejaculation;

It is a lighter meaning for hurling;

It is a form of exotic dancing;

It is self expression and soul searching;

It is the writer uncovered, naked and real... In a few moments of triumph, surrender and/or realization...

This is why I write... And this is why I will keep writing...

Particles of Dust...

2010-12-10T14:42:00.002+02:00

In this big world, we should not think of ourselves as anything bigger than tiny particles of dust:

Our pains, our worries and fears, our wants and desires, and everything else we are, are all mediocre when compared to this endless universe with millions of inhabitants and components...

We, human beings, feel the need to be the center of our world. There are more than 8 billion people currently living and breathing and, most often than not, each of them thinks he or she is "it" and nothing else matters...

It's a shame...

Even monkeys make better creatures than human beings... So how do they say we evolved from monkeys? Look at the damages we have done for the sake of power, appearances and money.

Yet we still think we are superior.

Wake up people!

I Am Nothing.

2010-12-10T14:38:00.001+02:00

And so are you.

After the Storm...

2010-12-03T13:21:00.004+02:00

The silence after the storm is deafening: no hum, no sound,
All the pieces of everything have fallen dead on the ground!

The stench of the past still covers every inch of the place,
The wetness of the heart's rain occupies the empty space!

The touch of the wood on the walls no longer feels the same,
The suppleness of its texture vanished with the burning flame!

The taste of the air is salty, mixed with rubble and sand,
I look around yet I can't find your, once soothing, hand!

The storm is tricky; it comes along with no warning ahead,
Leaving you breathless with memories of words once said!

Searching for meaning has yet to haunt your stride,
However, from the mind's chaos, there is no chance to hide!

Swing Me More...

2010-11-30T10:58:00.005+02:00

I've heard many expressions and words that were used to describe the life we are living: some call it a box of chewing gum, others call it a box of chocolates. Some condemn their lives by calling it a roller coaster while others call it a never ending stream of pain. However, one of the most interesting ways to describe life is by comparing it to a swing:

Can't find the ground with my feet,
It's hot here and I can't stand the heat,
Feels like I'm stuck forever on this seat,
I call for help but no one is out on the street!

The swing keeps swinging; day in and day out,
Your voice is muffled by the wind; don't try to shout,
Nothing is certain so you hold on to doubt,
The fear is so dry; it redefined the drought!

Next to me lies an empty seat and I long for you,
It's sad how I sit alone although it's meant for two,
I kick real hard and somehow I drop my shoe,
Nothing changes: I'm on the swing, the sky is blue!

Forever I try to maintain momentum and adjust the pace,
Yet every time I close my eyes I see your beautiful grace,
With every kick I try to catch the memories, with every chase;
And every time I almost do, I'm haunted by your lost face!

On the swing and I am bored of swinging up and down,
One day with a smile, many others with a sad frown,
I take off one black dress to put on another black gown,
I play by the rules yet end up feeling like a clown!

The ropes of the swing are getting old,
It's getting late and it's getting real cold,
I cuddle up, I fold then unfold,
Just like any story that has never been told!

Like Broken Glass...

2010-11-27T15:48:00.005+02:00

I feel empty:

Like an old dried up well,
Like broken glass,
Like a dead snail's shell!

I feel empty:

And it just keeps getting bigger with time,
Like a never ending scene by a skilled mime,
Like a faint tune with no specific rhyme!

I feel empty:

And I honestly do understand:
No one cares to hold my hand,
And alone, here, I need to stand!

I feel empty:

But it doesn't really matter anymore,
There is no use trying to fight this war,
Take my white flag for I'm closing the door!

Beautiful Lie...

2010-11-27T11:42:00.002+02:00

Outside My Plain Old Door!

2010-11-24T12:05:00.007+02:00

Life so carelessly continues outside my plain, old, wooden door,

It seems like I have been locked up in here longer than time!
The voices of those on the other side haunt me; too loud to ignore,
And the memory train follows me with thoughts not so sublime!

I have been down this road before, yet every time the pain is in a unique form,
The way my heart aches change: worn, broken, battered and sometimes torn!
It's like a summer with an infinite scorching sun, a winter with an endless storm,
Just like an infant who was never really made, conceived, or was actually born!

Decisions need to be made but my head feels light; bordering insanity,
Losing control of the steering wheel; can't see ahead, can't see the sides!
Running away from nothing and everything; fighting for my humanity,
Dipping into the shallow ends of the sea yet unable to survive the tides!

If I was a red rose; I'd be brown and wilted with burdens by now,
Yet somehow I manage to seem as if everything is just alright!
I take the slaps to my face, I take the blows and survive them somehow,
I tremble and fall and get up again trying to make it to the light!

Yet the light gets dimmer, the battery seems to be running out,
The tunnel seems to be getting longer and the car is low on gas!
I have so much but I lack what I can never do without,
And you expect me to believe that: "This too shall pass"?

If the Heart...

2010-11-20T21:29:00.005+02:00

If time is out of tune, then waiting will devour you,
If the sound is out of touch, then what can you do?

If the heart feels no love, then it is no longer a heart,
If you can see that the end is coming, then why even start?

If your eyes can't hold the tears, then eyelids are useless tools,
If you can't fight for what you want, the you are all fools!

If your lips can't taste their wine, then lips should be removed,
If souls can't feel joy, then the essence of life is utterly consumed!

If the pain is so painful, then the pain must end somehow,
If life is this lifeless, then I must get up and scream right now!

The Illusion of Happiness

2010-11-20T14:17:00.004+02:00

Human beings are the masters of orchestrating illusions and believing them!

On an autumn's morning, I get up and breathe in,
Lying to myself that the breaths which follow will be pure...
I push a smile on a tired face with no roots from within,
Another pre-broken promise to my soul that this pain I can endure!

On an autumn's morning, I carry a book and read,
Lying to myself that the words I read will elevate my misery...
I push away a negative thought yet a 100 others breed,
Another desperate attempt to herd away the painful imagery!

On an autumn's morning, I try to make sense of it all,
Lying to myself that the sense might make sense to me...
I push away regret and it comes bouncing back like a ball,
Another fake hope that it could, maybe, hopefully, set me free!

On an autumn's morning, I finally realize my illusions:
Things will never change; accept them the way they are...
I push away the pretenses and the million confusions:
Hope is fake, attempts are desperate and happiness is far!

Tick Tock Goes the Clock!

2010-11-20T13:53:00.004+02:00

"Tick, tock" goes the clock, round and round it goes,
It never quits, it never stops. Till when? Nobody knows!

"Thump, thump" my heart batters to a sound of unheard beats,
Noise is all around my thoughts in my room and on the streets!

"Woosh, woosh" the notes of memories creeping through my mind,
Pain flocks gently in my being, with no escape and no where to hide!

"Hahaha" I hear the laughs of those who know nothing yet assume,
Those who live on emotions which they manipulate, hurt and consume!

".............." silence; and I am here all alone, once again, so fully incomplete,
Down to the ground, down once again, can't distinguish my head from my feet!

The Ugly Truth (1)

2010-11-18T16:13:00.006+02:00

And You Still Want to Have Kids?

Most women are born with a great instinct: the maternal instinct!

Although many of them work hard to find the "right" man and build the "family" they have always dreamed of, I think only a few of them really consider the facts and statistics about the dangers that these children whom they choose to bring into this world may actually face.

Here are a few examples:

Almost five children die everyday as a result of child abuse! Childhelp.org
The incidence of suicide attempts reaches a peak during the mid-adolescent years, and mortality from suicide, which increases steadily through the teens, is the third leading cause of death at that age. Surgeon General
Every year, millions of children are left alone in or around vehicles. This danger is greatly underestimated, and within a few minutes, your child could be abducted or become trapped in the vehicle’s trunk. WSOC
A recent study found that one in five children online is approached by a sexual predator, a predator who may try to set up a face-to-face meeting. MSNBC
Each year over 200,000 children are treated in hospital emergency rooms for playground equipment related injuries. The California Injury Lawyer
Parents are to be warned of the dangers of giving their young children drinks, sweets and cakes containing specified artificial additives, as a result of new findings being made public for the first time today which confirm their link with hyperactivity and disruptive behavior. Guardian

In addition to the less obvious dangers such as:

Being abused by a relative or even the father.
Being subjected to bullying at school.
Witnessing his/her mother being mistreated or beaten.
Getting lost.
Being in a car accident.

And many many other situations like these...

Putting all those facts aside, since we human beings always think that bad things happen to others and not our own, I wonder: Why do people really want to have kids?

Here is what I have found out by asking some friends and random people:

I want someone to carry my name (How about the rest of the package? The DNA? The bad experiences? The sickness genes? did you consider that?)
I want to have a family of my own (Do you really know if this is what's going to happen when you have a baby? What if your husband walks out? What if you lose your job? Or even better, your mind?)
I like kids; they are cute! (Come on, are you serious?)
I want to have kids to make it up to myself (How selfish could you be? All you are going to do is make them suffer for the mistakes you made!)

All this and you still want to have kids?

But hey... I am not here to judge so knock yourself out... (or knock someone up for that matter!)

The Ugly Truth (Prelude)

2010-11-18T15:18:00.004+02:00

"Call me as you may: pessimistic, depressed, desperate, confused, angry, crazy, and even suicidal for I have learned, the hard way, that no matter what I do and no matter what I say, someone, somewhere will have something negative to say about me." Beirut

For so many years, I have been holding back what I really feel and see; it all has been bottled up inside scratching the surface at first, then reaching to the core of me and simply dissolving it away.

But this will finally change cause I am finally ready: to expose the world as I see it and as it deserves, nothing more, nothing less.

However, I do ask you to consider the following:

I will be very blunt and my honesty will be brutal. Apart from my feelings, all the events, situations, conversations and encounters will be based on exact facts as they happened.

So, if you consider yourself "happy-go-lucky", if you are an optimist or if you see a silver lining to every cloud and a light at the end of every tunnel, please do not read the coming posts. Also, if you are suicidal, please know that the same applies to you!

Thank you...

Down the Memory Path

2010-10-23T11:56:00.001+03:00

Photo By Terra Kate

Sometimes, memories of a time that seems so far away, almost unreal, come knocking at your door:

A time when your pain felt like a bleeding tumor... Or a time when you threatened to leave and begged to be free...

Those times when life seemed impossible and a smile seemed deceased and unthinkable!

Luckily though, we, human beings, are running against the tide of life, trying to make it through... Our daily struggles outweigh the painful memories of life and force us to move on and forget...

But at night, when we are all alone, without a breath by our side, a snore in our ear or even alcohol to numb our senses, the memories find a hole to seep through and tickle our imagination...

And somehow, for just a few minutes before we go to sleep, they take over us and seize our actual existence...

Whether good or bad... Cheers to the almighty memories!

6 Billion, I Only See 1

2010-10-23T11:52:00.002+03:00

I was just listening to a song which basically says: "I know there are other women out there, I don't need you to remind me. Yet, I still want to be with her."

A few ideas crossed my mind and I would like to share them with you...

The common cliche that people use to "comfort" others after a relationship dies is: "There is a lot of fish in the sea; you can easily find someone new."

While logically that may be a sound deduction since it is a fact based on the real number of the world's population, sadly, it is still not always the case. Sometimes, and maybe even rarely, the other fish in the sea hold no real value; thus they don't really count!

Let's assume you like salmon. It is your favorite fish! Let's actually assume you don't eat any other kinds of fish. Then, logically, all the other kinds of fish are not of interest to you, therefore, you have just eliminated thousands of the fish in the sea!

Let's also assume that you like the salmon grilled, not fried, not raw, just grilled. Here, you also reduced your scope of preferred salmon in the places where you might go eat it!

But there is more!

Let's assume that you are picky with your food and you don't eat pasta for example. You have again narrowed down your options to certain ways in which you could eat your salmon: salads and platters.

Let's also assume you have enough information about different restaurants that serve salmon. Here, based on your budget, preferred atmosphere and location, you have eliminated tens of options that were available to you naturally.

What I am trying to say is as follows: It is really easy to meet new people, find things in common with them, have a good time and maybe even develop some kind of bond with them. However, there are so many others factors that decide if those new people help you "get over" that one person that you have once loved so dearly.

Factors such as perception, feelings, willingness and so on play a very important role to where we face our own selves and on how easily or not we are able to make a conscious decision to stop liking salmon and move on to chicken!

Hunger is not a good enough reason: How could you be picky about what goes into your stomach but not about what goes straight into your soul?

Although others might disagree!

Enjoy your favorite dish!

A Hesitant Smile...

2010-10-22T13:58:00.001+03:00

As tough as it may have been, and may be still, a hesitant smile so gracefully lands on thirsty lips.

Just a smile, nothing more, nothing less.

A forgotten treat, a not-so-guilty pleasure, just a smile...

Her face wonders, the eyes squint, while the muscles struggle to adapt... What is going on? They demand to know!

An inner sigh of brief relief... Followed by a voice, shouting out to the world, her inner world, to come out and dance... Scaring the tears away... If just for a while...

Just a smile... Sometimes that is the only thing we truly miss yet we don't realize its absence until it visits once again...

Room 602

2010-10-02T11:06:00.002+03:00

Words... Don't they ever end?
&
Silence... Doesn't it ever get bored?
&
Thoughts: Millions of them, hovering around my squeamish head...

An empty soul & a full head: A great recipe for suicide!

Yet...
It never ends. It seems like it never will...

This whore we call life" breathing, hurting, breaking, taking...

Then the night falls, and a new day follows but things are the same yet different...

A cycle, a step, a tear.
&
Loss: of self, of being, of identity, in a forest of absolute nothingness...

In My Head...

2010-10-02T10:38:00.005+03:00

In my head:

Thoughts of what could have been run wild and loose, and I wonder: What could have been?

A life untouched by faces, untainted by more thoughts of what could have been?
A family protected by love, guided by words of assurance and smiles for a better day?
True friendships that last longer than a lifetime, unaffected by anger, loss and despair?
A love which withstands the bumps of time and the little plots of the ignorant minds?
A place to call home, a place to which I run to after a long day's mishaps and hardships?

And then you read the following quote:

The unwillingness to forgive stems from wanting the past to be different from what it was.

... and you think: Why? Why wasn't the past different when it should have been? And how? How can we forgive when all we needed for a happy ending was to try, a bit harder, firmer and more willingly?!

The Sin of Forgetting...

2010-10-02T10:20:00.003+03:00

Like a slap to the face,
An escaped embrace,
A haunting disgrace,
I realized that I had forgotten the most precious day...

Like a soul without a life,
A husband with a cheating wife,
A pain from a cutting knife,
I wept a stream of regrets that has come out to play...

Like another story with a bad end,
A truth that is too shameful to bend,
A love letter written yet remains unsent,
I begged the ache to leave, get out and go away...

For there is no bigger sin than forgetting what has changed my life forever,
What has broken my heart and stitched it back together,
So forgive me, "please", my heart pleads as true as ever...

Do You Not See Your Selfishness?

2010-09-01T08:15:00.001+03:00

"Do You Not See Your Selfishness"? he asked, as the physical pain ripped her guts apart...
How dare she wake him from his dear sleep just to plead for a temporary cure?
How could she bring herself to dial his number where there was a slight chance that he could be sleeping?

The audacity - What a bitch!

Generals, dinners, dogs, pools, bikes, new adventures, moments lost in time, and all the other crap. They are worth more.

How low could she go? Comparing herself to a dog?

Self righteous excuse for a human being - that is what she became!

It is interesting how small our world feels when we are in contempt of the "heart court" in question.

It is even more interesting how human lives become almost insignificant when facing those with no heart, common sense or even sympathy.

Escape? That is one solution. But what about the memories? Can they escape you as well? Or will they only follow you, like your ugly shadow, wherever you go.

How ugly is a human being with no dignity, even if it was unwillingly stripped away from under his feet throughout the course of 3 degrading years!

Forgiveness? Overrated.

Love? An obsolete concept.

Loyalty? Who cares!

When the wheels of misfortune turn, the results will be painful for all participators.

And then what? You hear the news that your precious dream might never come true and you cry and you try to find a shoulder to lean on. All the good shoulders are taken, broken or have no bones!

You cry some more. You still breath, move, and think. You are still alive on the outside. No hope for you on the inside because you yourself feel lifeless.

You dream of a better day. Which reminds me of a next topic: Dreams should be illegal! Illusions, fake hope and an optimistic highway. Just like booze and drugs.

How foolish we are to believe in dreams. And in change as well.

Change? Nothing changes. Nothing at all: except maybe your perception of things after you have been beaten down, broken sideways and pulled apart. Only after you have lost your vision of right and wrong, does change come in and pounce on you!

Reality? Well, reality is real and you are stuck with it! Better make the best out of it! Simply accept what you are and make it your goal to find out what kind of dish you are going to cook for your husband tonight, or just let go of it and live in your illusions. The former is advisable!

To be continued.

I Used to Call for Breast Equality!

2010-08-21T01:47:00.007+03:00

"It's too hot, I can't breathe", she replied with a muffled whisper while holding her tears of frustration down to the grounds of her worn-out mind.

All the empty and loaded thoughts that circulated her sleep-deprived being were knocking hard on her memories' doors, waking them up from a deep sleep; just like a mystic monster awaking from his winter's hibernation.

This was like no other time for the simple reason that: For once, things were really supposed to be different! In a movie, this would have been the part where the happy music would begin to play in the background, where the cloud-shadowed sun would come through and the kids would run with laughter on their little blessed faces!

But it was not. Just because movies are not real. Simple as that.

If I were to begin to try and explain to you the attack of my disappointed mind, you would not understand. You would probably begin to give me a lecture about optimism, looking forward and suggest the glass theory to me. Some of you might even start so selfishly share your way of handling these kind of attacks - as if any of these really ever happened to you!

Which brings me to my next point: How do people convince themselves that they "know what you are going through"? It takes a lot of guts I tell you, and a little bit of ignorance as well, if I may say, to prescribe a cure for a pain that is unimaginable to those living with hollow hearts.

I missed writing, I really did. I missed it and feared going back to it at the same time. You see, for someone like me who uses words to vent, it is a scary thought that even after writing, I still feel bad and need further ventilation! There is also this fear of not getting it right: forgetting my trail of thoughts, diverting into a million topics (just like I'm doing now) or simply - again - not satisfying whoever stumbles upon this post!

Moving on...

Let's talk about emotions; you know those some are loaded with while others lack completely. You know what astonishes me? Emotions are like breasts: they come in different sizes, colors and shapes and their results vary from one person to another. I used to call for breast equality, now I believe I would be more than satisfied with emotional equality!

The end... for now.

Stray Thoughts...

2010-05-27T12:08:00.005+03:00

I'd like to think of myself as a "good person", not by society standards since those have been flushed down the drain ages ago, rather by my own set of accumulated standards!

As a "good person", I expect bad things happening to me since I strongly believe that "bad things happen to good people". However, I don't claim to understand why this is the case, and I never think I would be able to!

Moving on...

In a world where female workers commit suicide from over working on manufacturing a product such as the iPad, and where others are butchered around the world on a daily basis just because they are women, I wonder: am I supposed to consider myself lucky?

Maybe, maybe not...

I think I will find out sooner or later!

On a different note, I've been seriously reconsidering my whole belief system regarding friendship, love and loyalty: have I been wrong about them all this time?

Does friendship truly exist? And if it does, has it changed its face into that of a creepy monster lurking in the shadows of the night?

Does love matter? Is it really worth all the sacrifices we make?

Is loyalty a two way lane or just an overrated concept that only applies to consumers in the product and service markets?

I wonder...

Reds, Blacks & Whites...

2010-05-19T10:50:00.011+03:00

Reds, blacks and whites are the colors I see; no greens, no blues and no grays!

I open my eyes every morning and wait for my mind to quit the games it plays!

For a heart that never was cured is a burden and lips that are sealed are a pain,
And every time I move forward one step, I trip and fall to gracefully bite the grain!

However, and regardless, I keep my chin up and pull my cheeks to form a smile,
And wait, so impatiently, for something different to come along & make this life worthwhile!

I gave up on words, so long ago, words that others utter to my ears to hear,
I can't handle more disappointments from those who are close and dear!

I want to see colors again, like a rainbow, I want my soul to sing out loud,
I want the light to enter my heart, I want to somehow fit in the crowd!

Forgive Me, If You Can...

2010-04-22T09:37:00.005+03:00

Image By: Beirut

Forgive me, if you can:

For the engendered pain oozing from my weary face,
And the dormant rage leaking from my sleepy eyes...
For the times I let you down and lose my subtle grace,
And the constant fear, hesitations and erupting sighs...

Forgive me, if you can:

And I really wish you would, sooner than later I guess,
I am growing into my skin, which barely fits me anymore!
For the longest time I have been in such a terrible mess,
That I can't help but fear a big fall after a love's soar!

Forgive me, if you can:

I can't seem to get over the bulk of sadness I so stupidly wore,
I can't seem to stop my mind from anticipating more pain!
I find myself wrapped up in the past's slime from head to core,
I really, truly, sincerely can't handle getting hurt once again!

A State of Utter Nothingness!

2010-04-20T08:42:00.004+03:00

Words escape me as I try to untangle the knots of my spiderweb like thoughts...

With every day, new variables are added to the equation of my chaotic being...

With every step forward, a few others backwards...

I understand now: The implications of decisions, the real pain waiting unfolds, some of the reasons for doing "wrong" by yourself or by those around you...

And although I'd love to believe that the little girl inside of me is still shielded from my disappointments and anger, I can hardly convince myself that she still smiles... I sometimes even doubt if she is there anymore!

The itch that I can't scratch, the scars which I can't heal, the memories that live within the layers of my mind...

All remind me that I am human - which is good - but that this humanity makes me fragile...

"In order to be happy, one must detach from feelings and slowly release him/her self from the chains of humanity"...

I wonder now, is this true?

The guilt... Another hammer digging me deeper into the ground... (I'm reminded here of a scene from a horror movie where the zombie tries to escape the grave - a hand sticking out of the soil)...

Then there is complete and utter nothingness... And here is where I stop... For now...

If My Nerves Had Lips!

2010-04-19T15:15:00.006+03:00

If my nerves had lips...

They would shout: Enough is enough!
They would bite them so hard that I could taste the blood,
"I am bored of being strong and acting tough;
This crap is just too much, rummaging me like a raging flood"!

If my heart had claws...

It would have ripped itself from its current space!
Because there's only this much a heart can take,
It would have run off to be far; in a better place!
The pain it's being forced into is causing it to break!

If my ears had hands...

They would have kept away from words,
In silence their haven would have been!
They would have shone away from the herds,
Since on being here I have never been keen!

The Sight of You... Nauseates Me!

2010-04-13T11:33:00.005+03:00

I swear it does!

More words than integrity,
More lies than ability,
More promises than eternity!

But you act as if you care!

Mixed signals of hate and affection,
It feels like you're my only infection,
You bring me pain and fake protection!

But I still had faith in you!

When you conspired against me with giggles,
When you ran from question in wiggles,
When you always clapped for the triggers!

And now you don't matter!

I won't measure myself with your crooked yardsticks,
I won't be waiting for you to mash my face with your bricks!
I won't allow you to manipulate me just to get your kicks!

Execrable!

2010-04-13T11:05:00.006+03:00

I, so naively, thought that I could go on without this blog!

I thought that I was strong - or maybe just sane - enough to take the execrable situations, that I am repeatedly forced into, and make something good out of them, without the need to vent by writing; you know, tackle each problem and solve it as I go!

Sadly though, I was painfully wrong - just like many other times where I thought I knew better!

Am I a changed person since the last post I wrote and published here? I believe so.
Do I like this new person I am now? For the most part, maybe yes, but when it comes to the important part of me, the part that thrives on great feelings, passion, and all this crap, the answer is NO!

"They" are there as a constant reminder that this will not be easy! Their little conspiracy theories, their lack of commitment, their lies, their schemes, and all other negative things they bring into my days and burden my soul with, they are all so hard to shake off!

"She" never stops the blame... Every single day... Never satisfied with anything I do or say; never willing to give me some space to breath!

Breath! God, I miss breathing: taking long, deep breaths and feeling better... It has been so long since I really felt better!

"He" never seizes to amaze me with the audacity he so proudly carries onto his personality, wearing it as a coat to cover his weary bones and a cat to warm his tired mind!

And yes, I am tired... And I do ache...

But what is different now?

I gave up... I gave up on people and I gave up on trying. I have no more faith in anyone or anything and I live, day by day, never looking forward to anything and always holding my head to the front not to look back... But that's it! A mere, shallow and futile existence; no one is worth it!

And to all of you out there, whom I've written a few letters to the past few months, you sadly proved to me how well-deserved each word I wrote about you was and I hope that one day life will teach you how pain can scar, the way you did me...

Regards...

Hollow World...

2010-02-07T07:05:00.003+02:00

That's all this world is: hollow, cold, manipulative and meaningless...

The actors on the stage of life are playing their cruel roles good and well...

"Never underestimate the capacity of others to let you down"..

And I raise my white flag... I surrender!

Sleep Catcher!

2010-01-13T03:47:00.005+02:00

When we are young, with hands not yet scratched from life's thorns and memories not yet tainted from time's flaws, most of us dream of having the simplest icons of joy: getting a little toy as a present, going out with mommy for an ice cream or even being allowed to play in the garden with the neighbor's kids!

As we grow older, our dreams change, just as we do...

And now, as I lay in my bed, restless and sleepless, the irony of one specific dream strikes me: my dream of having a big beautiful dream catcher in my room, over my bed, to capture all those nasty and wicked dreams which always used to creep into my sleep!

Now, at almost 27, I wish for something bigger and more rare: a sleep catcher! I NEED TO SLEEP!

I mean in addition to my flu and its ramifications (the cough, headaches and fever), there are also the many aggravating thoughts that do not seize to stop or pause; the worries about what's to come, the concerns about how to deal...

And all I want to do now is just sleeeeeeep!

P.S: This might be my last post, at least for a long time. Therefore, you now have the time to go through the older posts since this will be my 518th published piece!

Illusions of a Better Year!

2010-01-04T09:57:00.011+02:00

The human mind is such a complex, and sometimes even scary, place! It's like a room; sometimes filled with happy, jolly voices, laughs of kids, scents of different roses, memories of good moments while at other times it is just dark, empty and tangled up, filled with painful stories of a life never lived, of a hope never fulfilled, of a love never returned and of a smile stolen away from time!

Oh how I laugh, so ironically, at those who think that now that 2009 is gone, the year coming next, 2010, will be any better! The illusions they have about things changing to meet their moods and to suit their needs is just ridiculous!

What changed? Really? What changed between 31-12-2009 and 1-1-2010? Where was the magic wand that hovered across the earth solving everyone's problems and bringing their souls to a silent peace? Where was that fairy dust which showered the land with goodness and purified minds from evil?

The answer is simple: get realistic people; this is the real world! There are no fairies or magic dust, there is no magic wand... It is all the same, just another year carrying with it just other disappointments!

I tried reevaluating myself for the past four days, you know, since it's a "new year" and all. You know what I got? Nothing! A big fat hollow nothing!

Yeah I know, I've made mistakes: I've cried in my office for stupid reasons, I talked back to my mother when I shouldn't have, I allowed my pain to hurt others, I held faith in something that was never worth it. Yet, other than those few incidents, I have done nothing really wrong! I committed no BIG sins like killing, lying, stealing and so on!

Yet, my luck seems to be hating me! Karma seems to have placed me in its head; in a negative and unfavorable manner!

Stay tuned for my "new" year's resolutions!

Her Last Words...

2010-01-01T12:49:00.006+02:00

"The right time is now; this is the perfect crime scene," she thought..."Whatever happens to her now, no on is going to know about it, at least for days".

Smirking to herself, she continued to think, "no one will care any way!"

She did care though; she cared too much.

That's why, after some thought to it, she figured out what was missing in her master plan; the missing piece to the big puzzle... "I need to say good bye to everyone who has been there, put me down or hurt me... Everyone who made me feel worthless... Everyone who held my hand... Everyone who broke my heart... Everyone who has lied to me... Everyone who loved me..."

Therefore, she decided to write a personal letter to each and every one who left some kind of print on her life... By initials, so she won't embarrass them or make them too obvious!

The posts to come were those letters...

My New Year, in Ruins...

2010-01-01T11:35:00.005+02:00

Just yesterday evening, I remember having a very short yet sincere conversation with myself about the coming year and how people, all around the world, celebrate the "special" new year's eve through multiple ways, various rituals and different mentalities.

I also remember telling myself, in efforts to lessen the value of this day to me:

Every year has been worse than the one before, so why celebrate? Why not just sit at home, light little miserable candles, put off the lights, shut the doors and close the windows, put on some sad music and cry for the year to come for it will definitely be yet another year filled with pain, anger, disappointment and every other negative feeling possible?!

Don't judge me yet, I know it sounds pitiful, I really do... But why smile for a year that has already decided to frown back at me?

Well, the ironic thing is, I had prepared for new year's eve! I bought a new short black dress which covers my thin, ill-looking figure. I went to the salon and colored my nails in a bold and daring color to proof to myself that things can change. I also booked an appointment at the salon which I did go to after I was forced to cancel all the plans I was looking forward to!

So there I am, at the salon, and I'm figuring things out. At the sink, while getting my hair treatment, it all just hit me: my life is a joke! The things I believe in are fake and those whom I trusted for so long have been deceiving me all along; they never really cared and all their words were lies and their actions, simple games that my naive mind did not catch on to sooner!

Right there, at the sank, in the middle of tens of heads waiting to be showered and blow-dried, and amongst around 8 hairstylists and 5 or more helpers, at that sink, while the music was blasting: my pain took the form of warm wet tears that jumped out of my eyes and onto my rosy cheeks, and I burst into tears...

Curious eyes surrounding me... Whispers "why is she crying, what is wrong with her?" all around... Then a gentle yet clueless voice approaches me saying "please come with me to the private area".

In my mind, I thought of how embarrassing and inconvenient my pain was to all those happy people who are anxiously waiting to get out there, enjoy this night with someone they love or with family and friends... They all had smiles and haste drawn all over their faces. They had hope for a great night followed by a "new" year steaming from their pores and wet heads! While I just sat there, as a proof to all of them, that maybe this is all fake, and that regardless of how happy you try to make yourself, you might simply lose at the end!

If it is God's will for me to be in this pain, so be it, I can't argue with his will or my destiny... Yet it is not God's will, it is man's will... For the carelessness and selfishness of man can never be more harsh than this!

An even bigger slap in the face this time. My hair is ready: looking all shiny, tidy and full of life... Unlink my soul which is struggling to smile for all those who made sure to pass by "the private area" and make sure that I am doing better now, before they go off and do whatever it is they planned for this "god forsaken" night.

So I'm on my way out... I get into the car, where I had left an extra change of clothes, cream, perfume and sandals in the back seat.. But I've got no where to go, better yet, no where to go that I would want to be!

Flash forward, a few hours later...

It is one a.m. It still feels like an extension of 2009. Nothing has changed!

I unpacked the bag which held hope for a smile...
I unplugged the life system which my wishes were plugged into...
I unsang every song that I was planning to rejoice that night...
I unbuttoned the dress of desire and love...

And from then, until about 5, all I did was stare blankly into the screen of my Mac, stupidly waiting, hoping and wishing some more...

Morning came, and nothing changed...

In my bed, on those same pillows, I cried again... I cried to have lost everything I had: the one man that ever loved me, the one person that I ever loved, the girl I trusted yet brought me all types of pain, the mother I missed yet has no clue of the pain that I'm in...

And now, all I have are my words to gently try to wipe the tears off my no longer rosy cheeks...

I hate where I am because of you... And I hope, one day, you will realize the damage you've done...

Goodbye...

Sweat Drops...

2009-12-29T14:21:00.008+02:00

I'm amazed, no, actually, I am bedazzled:

How could one bleed this much inside and still be alive? How could one sweat in the midst of the cold night? How could one lose sleep for many nights in a row? How could one scream to be heard, so loud, and yet no one can hear those screams? How could one be so lonely yet not choke from all the anger and pain swallowed, gulp by gulp, day by day?

I know what you're thinking: Come on! It's almost new year's! Cheer up, celebrate!

Hehe... Yeah, I know... I'm more bored with my sorrow than you are at this point. Therefore, if you're in a good mood, I urge you to leave this post now and go see a loved one, go out with friends, have a drink, hell, have a PARTY!

Otherwise, you are welcomed to be here, share my pain with me...

So, for those of you who decided to stay, allow me to let you in on a little secret: I think I am death proof! I think it's God's way of punishing me for whatever sins I have committed when I was younger, or maybe even in another life!

Leaving aside the emotional traumatizing accidents, the physical incidents which could have easily got me killed, all failed! And I'm still here!

So little food, so little sleep... And I'm still here!
Too much stress, problems and anger... And I'm still here!
Too little overrated happy moments stolen in time... And I'm still here!
Too much physical damage caused by my indefinite pain... And I'm still here!

ENOUGH!

To be continued... Or maybe not!

Strip Poker!

2009-12-28T09:10:00.009+02:00

You called the game then called the shots: Strip poker it was!

Not that I don't mind nudity or enjoy it in any way, but as always, I let you lay down the rules and I promise to play by them to the last breath and whatever it takes!

Occasionally, you would change the rules and forget, but that was fine, as they say: "rules are meant to be broken!"

So we sat down, for many many months, and played your game, your way!

And the stripping began:

First round: I had to strip out of my ego; you made me feel bad about my past and the pain I was forced to go through while growing up - the same pain which made me stronger, more able to take care of you and a family one day.

But that was okay: ego is a cardinal sin after all!

Second round: I had to strip out of my pride; your conspiracy with everyone against my pride was really well planned out! I stopped caring about your insults and theirs, I took it all in, like a man, though I'm definitely not!

But that, too, was okay: pride is one of the seven deadly sins!

Third round: I had to strip out of my joy; the little happy girl inside shrunk into her cocoon and slowly yet surely, died a very silent death. (May God rest her soul)

Here, I started worrying, murder is a sin; you drove me to murder!

Fourth round: (I'm almost utterly naked and my skin is covered with over-hyped goosebumps) I had to strip out of my mind since staying there and playing this game after all those losses is simply and clearly INSANE!

Oh well, insanity is just a socially set construct.

Last round: With shame, I had to finally strip out of myself! My body no longer could hold me in because my soul became rotten with fear, anger and pain and my heart weakened with insults, broken words and too many lies...

Well, hard luck for me and... to you dearest... congrats: you have managed to take it all away!

Let's Make Love...

2009-12-27T15:30:00.003+02:00

Come closer...

Bring your body close to mine...
Let your breath touch my neck and my heart shiver...
In the music we sway, our bodies in twine....
Make me become whole again, collect me sliver by sliver...

Come here...

Bring your warmth and cover us up...
Let your eyes indulge in me, let your hands find my curls...
In the night we are alone, as we drink from passion's cup...
Make me feel that you're my man and I'm your girl...

My teddy bear...

While I drench you in tears and wish you could understand,
While I tell you my fears, and hope you could hold my hand...

You, I and the wet tissues are here on this bed alone,
You have no soul to feel and I have no real haven or home...

The Unforgivables...

2009-12-27T12:03:00.006+02:00

"Forgiveness is a virtue of the brave".~Indira Gandhi

Her soul is tired from carrying around all this deeply entrenched pain and dreadful memories of a voice so harsh, of a word so humiliating, of an act so unkind, of a look so hollow, of a love never returned and of a promise so unfulfilled.

In her mind she stumbles with the thoughts passing by of the places she had been, the people she had met, the chaos she had undergone...

Somewhere inside of her existence, she feels she needs to forgive. She needs to be brave and allow all this pain to wither away with forgiveness...

Yet, she knows, she can not forgive what she can not forget; as long as the wound is fresh, it will keep bleeding and though the past is the past, it did not heal yet with the help of the poking and the scratching that "all of them" impose!

The unsettled childhood, the messed up teenage years, the love which was never appreciated, the things she had lost, the nights she had cried, the pain which she endured alone, the longing for a warm touch on the face, the yearning for a sincere embrace... All of these and many more, deeply rooted somewhere she can't reach to pull out or even trim!

Would you mind telling her: How could she forgive the uncalled for pain? How could she find it in her heart to refrain herself from HATING or HURTING those who placed her in the corner of despair, intentionally?

A Hesitant Suicide Note...

2009-12-23T10:32:00.005+02:00

A while back, around 4 or 5 years ago, I remember writing a suicide note. I know what you're thinking: "Crazy!" It's your opinion. So maybe I am, maybe I'm not.

Come to think of it, the funny and equally ironic thing about that suicide note, which I remember very clearly now, as if I wrote it a couple of days ago, is the reason why I decided to write that note: A state of overwhelming happiness and safety, one which I was scared that this cruel life would steal away from me!

That suicide note explained the bliss and serenity I felt and how terrifying the thought of losing all that I had, all that I felt and the love that grew inside of me then, due to something out of my control!

Today, as I stand here trembling with fear of the mere thought of having to be threatened, humiliated, rejected, abandoned and marginalized, I think I have reached a new point of surrender: a point of no return...

It is one thing to die while your in love and your loved in return, happy, blissful and satisfied. However, it's another thing to die because your body began to cave in and fall apart, your mind is almost numb from negative thoughts and your heart is weak and feeble from the pain you are put through, day after day, and with no true reason of why this is all happening!

Lies, lies and more lies!

Deception, deception and more of it to come!

Ignorance, selfishness, carelessness...

Inflated ego, weak personalities, chains and no saws!

Now, after I thought this through, I surrender: I planned it all and prepared for the final scene...

I am finally relieved!

The clock is ticking and soon, it will be all over; for I have been all I can be and did all I can do for a big fat "NOTHING"!

May this soul of mine finally rest in peace...

P.S: For all of you out there who contributed to this final scene: May you get exactly what you deserve in life. You mocked my pain but your time must and will come.

Riddle Me This!

2009-12-20T09:59:00.002+02:00

I am alright now; much better than I have been in a very long time.

For the few of you who have been there for me when I was sulking down in the pits of depression, I'd like to thank you, I'm floating up now. I am alright.

You know how they say: "Once I found all the answers to life, they changed all the questions?" Well, I'm done searching for answers!

I used to think giving up is a sign of weakness, but I know better now.

There will always be things we can't explain, people we won't understand and problems that have no solutions!

I don't understand you, never have, and pretty sure I never will!

You don't understand me either, regardless of how hard I try to be transparent in every little thing I say or do!

To make matters more complicated, I don't understand myself when I'm with you: the pain I take, the humiliation you cause, the anger you nurture, the things I give up and the insecurity you spark...

It's like a riddle; a sick one may I add, with no real solution!

No books were written about those like you, no poems composed, no songs sung, no studies done... In your own way, you are one of a kind; every exception to every rule!

Like a shaky, rusty roller coaster ride which I need to risk my life for going on every single time!

I'm done with your riddles!

The Truth about Letting Go...

2009-12-17T12:00:00.008+02:00

There's an old saying that goes: "If you love someone let them go, if they return they're forever yours".

Since I have been there, done that, wore the shirt and the cap, let me lay it out to you, oh so bluntly: this is pure nonsense!

If you're wondering how I came up with such a conclusion, I have three reasons to share with you:

If you love someone, you can not let them go in the first place! Letting go is a sign of cowardliness, weakness, surrender and even, more so, a twisted disguise for playing a game with something as sacred as love!
If you consider letting someone you love go, if they do, really, love you back, they will choose to stay! No one in love is capable of abandoning his/her lover by choice!
If, after all this, you do let the one you love go, trust me on this: you don't want him/her back if that ever happens! Once you are out of sight, mind and heart and other random partners enter the picture, you should not settle for someone who got bored and came back to you out of despair or just because no one else was able to tolerate his/her crap as you did!

Hoping these words make a difference in your life because love is too precious to be tampered with, placed on hold or be humiliated and mistreated!

All the best!

On a Monkey's Visa!

2009-12-15T15:28:00.003+02:00

A short, yet somewhat insightful, piece of advice:

When you decide to visit a heart, with the intentions of residing there permanently if things were to go well, make sure you know what type visa you are given in order to enter the heart in question!

Believe you me, you don't want to end up getting a monkey's visa, going bananas for love and attention with no real, hopeful main dish to look forward to!

All the best!

They Lied!

2009-12-05T15:50:00.004+02:00

As we were growing up, we learned how to view the world in our parents' eyes; they taught us right from wrong according to their perspective of things, they preached to us on what to do and what to avoid depending on their experiences in life.

The older I get, and the more people I meet along with the experiences I have with them, I realize that, yes: my parents drove me off the track; they lied!

It was a lie to convince me that when you do good, good things will happen to you in return; that rarely ever happens!
It was a lie to preach to me how bad things happen for a reason; most of the bad experiences in my life have no logical explanation!
It was a lie to teach me how to be truthful, leading me to believe that this is the only way to rightfully take what is yours; being truthful within a world of lies and deception makes you stupid and naive!
It was a lie to tell me that I can make myself into whatever I want and that is what matters; sometimes, no matter what you do, people still don't see you as "enough"!

They told many other lies, yet, the mother of all lies has to be that about love, its purity and how it repays you with more and more love; my heart's wounds won't heal and my soul aches! Love, in this time and place, brings nothing but pain!

Cheers to all the lies and to the painfully uncovered truths!

Main Dish: Scrambled Thoughts!

2009-12-04T12:01:00.007+02:00

A peak into the randomness of my thoughts: "When your own words fail you, there's nothing to do but to take refuge in the words of others to express your ache!"

Faced with the fear of loss and abandonment, and under the heavy influence of jealousy's claws, no lover resembles him/her self.
The amount of love one feels when happily in love equates the amount of aggressiveness and loathing one feels when disappointed by that same love!
When a lover feels the urge to torture his/her loved one, it is never an intentional torture, rather, a way to try and make the loved one feel the pain and ache boiling up inside!
When in love, the man becomes the sultan, the master, the compass and even the weather forecast in a woman's life; she seizes to function normally upon his absence!
The mobile has become our embodiment of the lover we crave; when its pulse vanishes, we fear and feel a silent assassination with a criminal intent!
When in love, a woman wears, oh so naively, the waiting sweater and refuses to take it off! She also forbids any other man to unbutton that sweater!
How can it be love if it has the power to pull you with its floods when it comes yet is also able to kill you from thirstiness when it goes away?
Some men are like reptiles: they have the ability and the will to shed their past like dead skin, effortlessly, and easily replace it with another, never looking back!
When suffering from a painfully absent love, you are living a delayed life, as if living someone else's life; you stop being the owner! You willfully choose to give up living the present rather than choosing to give up a possibility of a dream!

To the writer who inspired these words: Thank you, for I have lost my own words along the pain!

Running Out of Words & Time...

2009-12-04T08:31:00.007+02:00

With echoes of the words, from the book I'm currently reading, bouncing off the walls of my tired mind, I search for my own words... And in the midst of the storms that smash and destroy my peace, there is a silence of words, for they have taken refuge in hiding somewhere that I can't seem to find!

The last time I wrote, I could clearly pin point every word that I wanted to say, I could see it, feel it, smell it, taste it, and even touch it, right before I poured it out, with a fragment of my aching soul, into a piece of writing, that was able to help me find serenity again...

Yet now, I feel the choke of the words within my thoughts... Scrambled thoughts anyone? I'm sure they would make a hell of a Mediterranean dish; one which many men out there are sure to enjoy!

I have tried, believe me, to place my finger upon the bleeding wounds of my heart, to cut off the bleeding... The wounds were too many and I only have ten fingers!

I have also tried to pull out this pain, by its deepest roots, from my life... The roots were so deeply entrenched within my life creating a risk of pulling out my life along with it!

I tried to fight, to be calm, to shout, to rationalize, to cry, to rebel, to be everything I can be and do anything I can do... The problem still remains with no cure: like HIV, weakening my immune system to the point of helpless surrender!

Then, there is this sickening feeling of craving a touch on the face, an embrace for the longing body, a whisper of sweet word of love... But they never come, and the stomach grumbles from hunger, while the body aches from abandonment and the ears bleed from the silence!

My words... I see them now and after them I run... Their endurance beats mine... I'm broken and I ache... They disappear again...

When life shrinks down to work, pain, longing and unfulfilled needs, it becomes death, a living one with a beating heart refusing to just stop!

I want this pain to end, for I no longer can live this death inside of me!

His True Colors...

2009-11-30T11:45:00.003+02:00

Feeling absolute nothingness, she set her mind to write yet another piece dedicated to her silently bleeding heart...

"I owe my heart at least this much, " she thought...

With steady, slimming fingers she typed her thoughts away:

Like echos of a memory never lived, his name faintly murmurs in my head,
His words lost the power to touch my soul, they trigger the anger in me instead...

His true colors were that of a lizard; changing to suit the time and place,
Emotionless to the world outside himself, signed with "liar" across the face!

He tricked me into losing what was rightfully mine, swearing a better day would be,
He made me believe all this pain will eventually be the reason to set us both, together, free!

The chances lost, the time wasted, the tears shed, for a forever I took in and waited,
Yet little by little there were no more lies to tell me and the trust and love all faded!

When I think of him now, my stomach curls and my body sickens with disbelief,
How could he have been the one to steal my life, lie, falsify, cheat and deceive?

I gave him many chances; not one, neither two nor three, he chose to screw it all,
I tried to wait for him to hold my hand, he chose to kick me down to my fall!

It's time now to take it all back; the confidence and the love, give them to someone new,
I hope God will deprive him all the things he took from me, I hope he's placed in my shoe!

Now & Then: Realizations & Confessions...

2009-11-30T10:02:00.010+02:00

You were a touch of a sun's ray upon my chest your warmth would lay,

You were a kiss from an angel's lips, a dance with a never ending sway...

You were an overwhelming scent of fresh green grass and acres of meadows,
You were the building that stood there tall, blinding me from all the shadows...

You were the smile in my eyes, the tenderness that soothed the sighs...
You were the path for a better day, the truth that wiped all the lies!

You were a night whisper in my ears; your words would lay my to sleep,
You were a tingling sensation, a bundle of happy moments that I tried to keep!

Yet, the way I see you now is different...

You are the choke that so delightfully sits in my throat, restricting my air!
You are the itch that I can't reach to scratch, the sting that I can't bear!

You are the spineless creature which lurks in the darkness to bring more pain,
You are the self absorbed witless boy who beats me down again and again!

You are confused with illusions of lust and material; you can't see through,
You care for nothing but your sick desires, you have eyes for only you!

You are a worthless excuse for a man, though the needed organs are there,
You are a loaded bag of excuses, using the right one to act as if you care!

You did me wrong...

You had no right to fuss and to fight, to give me hope that we might,
You had no clue of what I could do when my anger wills to smite!

You thought I was helpless, the chains of your love would hold me back,
You lost control along the way but I took the steering and I'm back on track!

You hide behind the phone lines, you hide because your cowardliness is deep!
You blame others for your idleness, you have no soul able to feel or weep!

You pitiful little thing; soaked in hollowness; as nutless as could ever be!
Shame on you for fooling me once, but for the other times: SHAME ON ME!

P.S: I hate you...

Wrong Breeds More Wrong...

2009-11-30T09:09:00.006+02:00

From the very beginning, it was all wrong; everything we did,

You were never pure and I was never cured;
Your present was blemished and my past was still aching...

From the very moment I laid my eyes on you, I was broken,
You never wished to heal me,
You never tried to change; your heart refused to awaken...

From the very first kiss, my heart was another number,
Just like all the others you kept,
On your shelves and in your drawers; you lead me to my own hating!

Slowly yet skillfully, you pealed off my confidence,
Then it was time to slice up my pride,
Using your "morphinic" lies to mascaraed my pain; into and out of fainting...

A trophy was my love to you; something all wanted but only you could get...
Your ego grew, my happiness quivered, you knew you won the bet...

A coward hiding behind closed doors, in basements and farms, like a predator waiting for the next gull!
With your fake promises piercing through my ears and penetrating my shedding skull!

Oh yes you deserve it: an award for mutilating the purest of hearts,
Karma will come back to take care of you; your ends and your starts!

The WaterLine...

2009-11-30T08:34:00.005+02:00

I just sit there and let my thoughts rise above my hate for your injustice,

Blessed are those who, like you, are damned with the the sin of carelessness...

It's a losing battle, a lame cause, those empty hollow moments we steal and share,
Cause at the end of the day, the waterline is rising, and all we do is just stand there!

The water reaches our ankles as the chills climb up our spineless spines,
I can still hear the tears bounce off the surface, I can hear the shouts and whines!

Your real need for detachment used to fit my aching need for attachment, and I stayed,
The strings of my soul you pushed and pulled, with my heart you flipped and played!

The water reaches our hips, it's getting cold while you stand there, no embrace to warm my trembles,
I fumble with the memories of how you sullied me and drove me to a pain which nothing resembles!

Your love was a lie, a hiccup in the calendar of your days, and you chose to mess me up,
You held my head tilted to the back, opened my mouth and poured in poison from your cup!

The water is touching our necks now, I know that I'll drown first, it's simple: I'm shorter,
You hold me close, threatening eyes warning me not to swim away, a grin like a mortar!

Into my nose the water creeps and I lose awareness; I can't feel my feet,
Our story ends, right there, as we drift with the waterline down the street!

A Note to My Readers...

2009-11-30T08:15:00.003+02:00

Allow me to begin this post by saying: "I regret that pain has taught me nothing..." and I mean it.

But that's besides the point now.

When I look at the previous events of my life, I can't help but wonder: What have all the people around me been doing to make this better? The answer is: they have been judging me!

When I first started this blog, back in May 2006, my purpose was to express feelings, (anger, pain, sorrow, happiness) and share stories in a way that would help cure me and help me get over whatever negative emotions I went through.

Day by day, this blog became a persecution site! Whether you knew me or not, you found this blog as a way to read my sins, study my pain, and sue me for them!

I think it is my right to take it back now. So again, here is what I will say, and I hope you really hear me out this time:

My blog is my best friend, you have no right to take it away from me!

Therefore, taking into consideration the aforementioned elements, you either choose to read what I write to better understand me and maybe even shield yourself from going through my pain, read it to waste time or enjoy the use of words, or just, please, don't read it at all if just for persecution purposes!

YOU don't know me.
YOU don't know why I write or whom I write about.
YOU don't have the right to take this away from me.

Thank you.

The Nutless Men of Ammville! Scene 1

2009-11-25T07:01:00.006+02:00

Nutless at the Movie Theater!

The nachos flew in the air, falling, like snow flakes, on the ground...

Phasing into a crowded area...

People walking around, chatting here and there, some purchasing popcorn before the movie begins, others sneaking a cigarette in the corner, while the employees secretively pray for the shows to start and the people to leave them in peace!

As we zoom into the corridor, we can hear a man screaming: His words are still mumbled; it's too hard to figure out what he might be shouting about!

A few steps closer and the voice becomes clearer...

Enter: A man, dressed in white, while his angry face shaded in a blend of burning red hues...

His words can be heard now and he is running towards the exist door, trying to find some employee to directly shout at!

Enter: Employee, wondering what possibly could have bothered this man!

Confrontation: the man in white sees the employee, runs up to him and throws the nachos plate in his hand, and as each nacho falls to the ground, like a snowflake, the man screams:

"I sat on a plate of nachos! It's your fault! I want 100 JDs as reimbursement! I want it now"

And as he walks past the employee, searching for someone else to pounce on, like a hungry cat, you can see his guacamole and cheese stained white dress, right below his back, creating funny shadows of greenish yellow!

Giggles in the background...

Apparently, the nutless man was in such a hurry to take his seat that his eyes missed an entire plate of nachos, which could have just been placed there by a fellow nutless movie lover!

A still shot of the man's behind...

Phasing out...

The Nutless Men of Ammville!

2009-11-23T09:41:00.009+02:00

The story goes that...

Once a upon a time, in a place called Ammville lived a community of nutless men along with their families: women and children.

The nutless men lived in harmony, never feeling that anything was wrong with them; never noticing they were missing their nuts!

Although some might have been smart and well educated, it seemed that whether you hurt their pride or simply bossed them around, they had no way of knowing how to react and what to say: they lacked the right nut-related hormones to do so!

The men of Ammville had nothing to lose; they had already lost their most valuable belonging in their childhood days, or maybe even before they were born! They feared nothing and they had absolutely no trouble with lying, manipulating and deceiving or even being lied to, manipulated or deceived!

Living really closely to those men, and having had several encounters with them, created this curiosity in me to examine them on a deeper level. So I watched them, wrote down their every move, documented my every encounter with them.

From there, I decided to write down my experience with the nutless men of Ammville in the form of short sarcastic scenes for your enjoyment...

Stay tuned for the first scene!

The Burden of Thought...

2009-11-23T09:28:00.005+02:00

"Success is the child of audacity.” Benjamin Disraeli

I tend to disagree, however...

Sometimes, at a certain point in your life, you realize that all that you have ever believed in, all your principles, your own made rules and even your upbringing is simply useless; it does not go hand in hand with where you are living and the people you have to deal with!

You find out that being good and doing good results in people's mockery! You discover that when you give everything, you usually get nothing in return. If you respect someone, they will end up disrespecting you! If you love someone, probably they will end up hurting you!

It is quite a sick equation that goes a little bit like this: the purer you are, the funnier of a joke people perceive you to be! The more you allow people to manipulate you, thinking that they will be ashamed and stop, the more they will! You give them an inch, they take a mile and then some!

But what do you do then?

Do you decide to just "be like others"? Do you change yourself in order to suit their needs? Or do you hold on to what you believe in and just take their words, foolishness and evil and let it scar you while trying to throw it behind your back?

I wonder!

I Wore His Word...

2009-11-23T09:06:00.004+02:00

I wore his thoughtless word around my neck like a tight necklace,
I wore it like a decayed pair of earrings with smelly rot on the surface...

I carried it deep inside my body, right in the middle of my stomach,
I added it to the library of "never to be forgotten" pain and ache!

I wallowed in anger for what he said was utterly careless, I bet he feels nothing!
I wallowed in frustration for the way I reacted, I showed him the hurt in his sting!

I dragged myself back to the place it happened, I literally pulled myself out of bed!
I dragged myself hoping that his word will just vanish and get the hell out of my head!

I Chose You to Be My Joy, You Chose to Be My Sorrow...

2009-11-21T11:29:00.008+02:00

"We choose our joys and sorrows long before we experience them" - Kahlil Gibran

Coming from such a great writer, these words must be true and I believe they are, up to a certain extent...

Sometimes, we choose our sorrows and they end up being joys and sometimes, it's simply the other way round:

I chose you to be my light, you chose to be the darkness that lurks within me,

I chose your love to be my freedom, you chose to be the chains that won't set me free!

I chose you to draw a smile on my face, you chose to be the pained frown,

I chose you to be my raft to safety, you chose to show me how to drown!

I chose for you to be the one I love, I chose to give you all the love I had,

You chose for me to rain tears with no mercy, you chose to treat me bad!

I chose for you to be a father to my children, a partner for life I chose,

You chose to be manipulative and take me, by the hand, to where the sadness grows!

I chose for you to be the center of my world, my one and only desire,

You chose to turn against me and be the fuel that lights my heart's fire!

I chose for you to be everything and everyone that mattered,

You chose to be careless and with my feelings be simply flattered!

I chose for you to be my sun, you chose to be the burn,

I chose to never give up, you chose to never learn!

I chose for you to stay, but all you wanted was to go,

I chose your happiness, while you crafted my sorrow!

And now, all I am left with are my choices, hanging heavily on my shoulders... Wondering: What more will you choose for me...

10 Signs of One Sided Love...

2009-11-21T08:41:00.019+02:00

I don't claim to be a relationship expert and I also don't claim to have answers for the many questions that run around in my own head! But, to have been really in love, and to have suffered loss, can help one reach certain conclusions that neither books nor studies can result in!

Therefore, and for today's post, I choose to present you with my opinion on the 10 signs that prove, beyond a reasonable doubt, that the love you feel for your partner is one sided, thus, coming to an end real soon!

Continuous Disappointments: Whether you have had dinner plans or just agreed to talk on the phone, if your partner constantly misses out on those plans claiming: he lost his phone, he fell asleep, he was busy playing PS2, he couldn't talk, he lost his keys, he was caught up with the family, then you must know he doesn't really care!
Careless Attitude: If your tears mean nothing, if your pleads merely tickle his ears, if your fights never register, if he can easily shut you off and fall into his "beauty" sleep, you should know: he doesn't love you!
Lies and Half Truths: Once your partner begins lying to you or telling you half truths, your relationship is going down hill, destination: its doom! If someone loves you, they would not lie to you, they would not bring you half stories claiming that they are "protecting you"!
Advising You to Be with Another: Yes my friends, some men (and women) might actually suggest or even insist that their partner should date another and try being happy with him/her instead of growing some guts and fighting for the love they "have"! Therefore, love in this case id non existent!
Putting You on Standby: When your partner uses you as a free-time filler, nothing more, nothing less, plays you by calling you when he is bored, asking to see you when all other plans ended, don't kid yourself, he doesn't love you!
Keeping You a Secret: Let's assume you are a girl of 27 dating a guy of 32, you are not kids anymore and you don't really need to hide that relationship because you are supposed to be mature, decisive adults. Now, if your partner decides to hide you and keep you as a secret claiming that his parents won't approve, he doesn't love you! Seeing you after people have gone to bed and when the darkness has fallen to cover your faces while your roam the streets hidden in the car means he does not want others to know you exist: more options for him to seek and pursue!
A Partner in Need is a Partner Indeed: If you need to see or speak with your partner for any reason you deem important, he should respect that need. If he can not be there for you, to support you, hell, to take you to the hospital when you're home alone and there's no one to take care of you, be real: he doesn't love you!
Pushing You Out: A partner is supposed to let you in, keep you updated on his future plans, share with you his joys and his worries. If your partners pushes you out and doesn't include you in any of his thoughts, he doesn't love you, or even care!
Poisoned Words with No Actions: You have all heard the saying: "Actions speak louder than words" yet, I'm sure, many of you out there just take in the poisoned words of love and ignore action, that's ok. However, there is a certain limit to words and if you are just getting words, my friends you are being manipulated and trust me, you are not loved!
Being Far Down in the List: Loving someone makes them a priority to you, maybe not your first since some would say food and sleep are, but at least they would hold number 3, 4 or 5 in your priorities' list. If you find yourself lingering in one of the last few places in your partner's list, right after the dog and before finding another, you are not loved!

Love is supposed to bring you happiness and safety, make you forget the painful moments of the life you had lived before love and give you hope for a better day ahead. Love does not vow to logic and is not held back by what people think and what they force. Only true love can get you places. Only true love can open up doors for you and create "miracles". Only true love can make you feel the other's pain and give you tips on how to deal with him/her.

When you are in love, you would do anything to make the person you love happy. You will make sure they get what they need from you, you would fear for their lives and happiness equally.

There are ups and downs but nothing your two-sided faith in love can't fix or cure! However, one sided love will lead you to nothing but pain, anger, frustration to a point where you will lose yourself and end up being fragile, empty and hollow.

I hope that, unlike me, you have a better chance in love cause at this moment, I feel broken down to pieces with no hope of being stitched back together any time soon....

And remember: there's an art for manipulation... Be sure not to be fooled by it!

Down with the Machines!

2009-11-09T16:40:00.011+02:00

This crazy trend of using "machines" in order to fulfill almost every aspect of our daily lives is becoming highly annoying and rather ridiculous! May they be computers, playstations, phones, cars, or any other electricity or fuel consuming, time wasting, people separating devices, the machines are taking over us!

Therefore, for my latest piece of machine generated "art", I present you with: Down with the Machines!

Mountains, oceans and distances can not separate us, but machines certainly can!
And whatever it is we want to do, the "machines" are always part of any plan!

The phones will keep ringing, mostly delivering the bad news like a crow of morose,
People tracking you down and whatever you do, wherever you go, someone knows!

Then there's the time set aside for games and the precious time we so ignorantly spend,
Forgetting the fact that every second broken you will never get back; you can never bend!

Our reality now is built on nothing more than e-mails, phones and other Internet tools,
Ignoring emotions and feelings, twisting, crunching and bending all humanities' rules!

Shame on me if I stand still when I see this world being dominated by "machines" and so!
Down with the machines I say, speak up, speak out, allow for the reality of who we are glow!

On Your Birthday...

2009-11-05T13:36:00.007+02:00

I wish you didn't hate me now as much as you did a few years ago,

I wish you'd want for me to stay around rather than push me to go!

I heard the news last night, a special day it was for you (and me too);
Your birthday they all celebrated with smiles and wishes so true!

I wish I could have been there with you and amongst those who care,
I ached and chocked with tears because that day with you I couldn't share!

Yet, I didn't dare to call or be part of this happiness with you,
You would have hang up on my trials again, leaving me so blue!

So while thinking of a gift that will suit well this story's essence,
I thought I will simply bless you with my absolute and utter absence!

Happy Birthday Dear....

Hungry & Thirsty for Serenity...

2009-11-02T17:00:00.002+02:00

I twist and ache, hungry and thirsty for serenity,
Troubled mind fumbling, body as weak as can be...

If you serve me a smile, tears are next on the menu,
If you are sweet to me, the next day we are through!

If I plead for your mercy, you kick me aside and away,
If I threaten to forget you, oh the games you'll play!

If I ask you for something, the favor lingers on my shoulder,
If I try to compromise, you insist on being meaner and colder!

I am lost; figuring you out is the biggest mystery to me,
I can't be found, as long as your love doesn't set me free!

Have I ever been a priority to you? I hardly believe so!
So why don't you leave? Take your lies and just go?

Love's Painful Chains...

2009-10-29T14:57:00.008+02:00

"What I needed most was to love and to be loved, eager to be caught. Happily I wrapped those painful bonds around me; and sure enough, I would be lashed with the red-hot pokers or jealousy, by suspicions and fear, by burst of anger and quarrels". St. Augustine

I have spent my recent days in numbness, my dark nights in solitude,
I have tried my best to be alright, I have not found peace or gratitude...

All I needed was to love and be loved, all I needed was for this pain to find a cure,
Yet the thrones of life were scheming to rip me; too much anger rising that I can't endure!

I'm spread in all directions, pulled apart like a fallen birdman on the sidewalk of dead dreams!
Whether I call out or keep it all locked up inside, the sound is too muffled to unfurl my screams!

Where do I go? How do I run away from my senses, those which in chaos both boil and steam?
How do I teach my heart to be ice cold? How do I force my mind to lie, pretend and scheme?

Love Can Never Be Forced!

2009-10-26T21:57:00.004+02:00

You might try hard to make yourself fall in love at times,
Trick your heart into believing that for her, only, it chimes!

You might make an effort to to be there and understand,
Hold her close at times, caress her and touch her hand!

You might think you know what you feel when she's around,
Try desperately to fly; jumping to lift your feet off the ground!

You might mix a crush and a lust with the true ache of love inside,
Lie to your senses and mind, while your real neutral feelings hide!

You might itch, lose sleep, ponder, act, wonder and crawl!
Yet, love can never be forced: it is either there or it isn't at all!

Wilted Garden...

2009-10-26T10:47:00.006+02:00

If love is a flower, burn my garden cause all the flowers are wilted and dead.
If feelings were of crystal, drag them out of me and place rocks instead!
If the mind can't get over you, reboot my thoughts and snatch them out of my head!
And if dreams never come true, just torch this useless pillow and this damned bed!

If I stay here, a happy future for me is something I will never ever get!
If I go away, there are a million possible other if's that I will regret!
If I place a bet on us, I swear on my life that I will sadly lose this bet!
And if I can have only one wish, I would wish that we had never met!

If I say something or another, the opposite you swear is true,
If I try to come closer and make this work, all I am is angry and blue...
If I work on building trust, I'm bombarded with doubts by you!
And whatever can pain me or humiliate me, you so gladly do!

To be continued...

Please... No More!

2009-10-26T06:46:00.004+02:00

Tears burning tired eyes of brown,
I wake up with an aching frown...

Tiny icicles scratching my throat to muteness: I can't speak,
I hate it when you make me feel this fragile and weak!

Thoughts of black running through my head,
Maybe it should have been you instead!

The power you have over me you use so skilfully,
You break my tender soul and you do it willfully!

Like a tick you suck the blood out of my heart,
Yet I bleed and ache in agony when we are apart!

I am so sick of this cycle to the point beyond any despair,
You feel nothing towards anything yet you act like you care!

And I feel like walking away, every day I do,
I contemplate a life so far away from you!

Then again I come back, missing your illusive embrace,
Craving the color of your eyes and the grin on your face!

Please... I beg you, no more, no more!
I am dying from my head to my core!

Subtle Purity...

2009-10-25T08:04:00.007+02:00

Underneath layers of human flesh and bone, a certain warmth I've never felt before exists...
Where there is gloominess, sadness and pain, a serene smile on a glowing face so restfully sits...

Subtle purity wrapped around you changing you from the usual plain human presence,
Something about you shines so bright, something beautiful untouched in your essence...

If I hadn't known better, a child of light I would assume you were, an angel roaming earth,
May "God" in all his definitions protect you and bless your parents for this sacred birth...

I wish you endless joy with every breath you take for your peace has unusually touched my heart...
Yet I wonder how this goodness I could not see and how I almost resented you at the start!

(To be continued)

Divided We Are...

2009-10-12T22:38:00.008+03:00

You and I, in different worlds we live, as one yet divided,
What to do next? Where to go now? It's always undecided...

You steal my smile and replace it with sizzling tears which tickle my sight,
Too long has passed that I seem to have lost my sense of wrong and right!

They blame me for you, their words, my heart, they penetrate,
Blinding me to my faith in love and pushing me towards hate!

Divided we are, you and I, no matter how close, so far we are apart,
I should've seen the signs from the beginning, walked away from the start!

Like bee stings to skin, your carelessness aches my soul as warm as could be,
You insist that whatever I do for you, you are you and I am, just me...

And as the music plays for my heart beats to dance in sorrow,
I inhale my misery and feel, simply, utterly and unbelievably hollow...

Divided we are, living as two, no past to look back to, no present to live,
Even the future has a dead end for us, regardless of all I have to give...

Three Hearts, Not One...

2009-10-12T13:07:00.009+03:00

Some people have it easy, they live with one heart, more than often a barely functional one: unable to feel too much, love too deeply and therefore they give too little while forcing you to believe that it is all that they can give and it should be enough!

My curse, the real sorrow that breeds within the layers of my soul and my very existence, is the fact that I have 3 hearts and not one...

Where are they situated you might ask? Well, it is humanly possible to have more than one heart! Yet, within this heart that pumps blood, anger, sorrow and pain to each part of my body, there exists two smaller hearts that break and heal over and over again, endlessly, indefinitely...

Not only do those 3 hearts beat and break, they also love deeply and hurt painfully, 3 times more than anyone can!

The joy I feel, I feel so plenty and the sorrow I feel multiplied, intensified and heavy!

Take away my hearts, all of them, and leave me with none, for I am tired of love and pain... I am tired of you... I am tired of me... I am tired of this cycle of yes and no and maybe...

Quivering Incertitude...

2009-10-07T09:45:00.007+03:00

All is well and good. Not really, but maybe at this point things are getting a little bit clearer than they were and have been for the past, hmm, 2 years (what seemed to feel like an eternity!) Now I know for sure: nothing will ever be the way I want it to be, or even close and many of those who are around me now need to be replaced as soon as possible!

I am uncertain about everything and nothing at the same time. Caught up in the web of intermingled emotions that are screaming for haven in every single direction!

I am a mess. A subtle mess, mixed with a dash of interlaced hopes and enchanted uncertainties!

What is next? What is right? What is wrong? What is real? What is fake? Where did I lose my way? How will I find it? What is my way anyway?

Hate, love - love, hate... This is how I feel towards everyone and everything around me... With no exclusions or exceptions...

Anger? Nothing but an emotion, which if unexpressed, builds up a volcano waiting, secretively, to explode!

Happiness? Overrated, unattractive, non-existent! Whatever glimpse of happiness-like feelings you might ever feel are short-lived and also surreal, as if made from the silky threads of your demented imagination!

And then, there is the "damned if you do, damned if you don't" theory... Basically, in simple terms it means that whatever you do, you are blamed for something or the other!

"If you try to be good, you are accused of being a hypocrite; if you are plain, you are mean!
If you say the truth, you are penalized; if you lie most probably you'll be caught and punished too!
If you try hard, you're being too easy; if you don't try hard, you don't care..."

And so on!

But who can draw the line? I mean really, who can decide what to do, with whom, where, how, why, why not and so on?

How can you pick your battles? How can you know who is really on your side and who will end up screwing you over?

I rest now... unrested... tired... hyper... baffled... worried... concerned... lost... found... here.. there... everywhere...

Missing, craving, wanting, needing, hoping, wishing, waiting... most of all aching... emotionally... nothing more... nothing less...

Loneliness & the Tight Box...

2009-09-24T08:58:00.004+03:00

Allow my to start this piece by stressing the following facts:

I am 26 yet feeling as if I am living my 50 year-old mother's life.
I am struggling with a bunch of past and present related issues that seem to have no solution no matter how hard I try!
I am at the lowest point of loneliness I have ever been since as long as I can remember!

Loneliness...

"Loneliness is a state of mind", I agree...
However, during its worst phases, when the dark lays its wings upon the earth leaving it hollow and unfamiliar, loneliness begins to feel like being forced to sit in a small, barely human-sized box, with no windows, doors or any kind of ventilation while you are diagnosed with a severe case of claustrophobia!

Slowly, you start losing the pace of your breath, as if being strangled with a thin, copper wire. You grasp for air but you can't seem to be able to take any of it in... You squeeze your chest, try to expand your diaphragm, switch your seating position... Nothing works...

You close your eyes... Real tight... Wish for this wave of loneliness to end and for another, yet lonely day, to begin... You wait for the dark to be lifted and hope that with the day's sun, you'll breathe with more ease... The morning break doesn't come...

In a box... With no one there but you, your pains, fears, disappointments and memories of those whom you miss, wedged in this tiny space... The more you think, the bigger the space your thoughts occupy and the tighter the box gets...

Within the very limited breathing air left, you take a few sips of air to call out for help... No one can hear you... No one really cares... You fall silent again...

Now, you're left with no air and no space to move... Your body goes into shock... You tremble, hallucinate, and then fall into a coma-like sleep...

A few hours later, you wake up, to find yourself on your bed, your body touching the crispy white sheets, your face caressing the fluffy pillow, and still alone, with fragments of memories of the horrible night before to keep you company through the day...

She Wept!

2009-09-07T09:20:00.003+03:00

As if buried, deep inside a wall, trying harder and harder to push her way through the stones and rubble... Panting, reaching out, stumbling, falling down...

She wept...

Those were not the ordinary tears that you see any time she cries: this time, her tears were made of acid that slipped down her face burning her cheeks and leaving her numbed, as if fresh out of a plastic surgery...

She cried, no, wept, for 2 hours straight, non stop, with each tear ripping her insides just as the one before and the one right after...

She wept for the things she lost yet cherished so much...
She wept for the need in her to feel a warm sincere touch...

She ached, in her guts, for all the things her empty life was without,
She ached for the last time she was sure of anything, with no doubt!

Her eyes so puffed up, like cereal, "some milk please?"
She swallowed up a choked smile with no ease...

She wished someone, anyone, would try to understand...
She wished that someone would just take her hand...

Whether or not it was right to feel this way, she did feel it now!
And the pain from the past and the present has to be stopped somehow!

Another Night...

2009-09-02T13:19:00.006+03:00

One too many nights have come by, knocked at my hope's door, and simply, just like a dream, gone away... and he didn't show...

Last night was no different...

To better suit my disappointment and his absence, I rearranged the night, the room, the setting and the general ambiance...

Once again, I put out his candles and turned on the lights; trying to overcome the darkness, which lingered there, too dusky to comprehend!

Once again, the scent of the perfume wrapping the body evaporated into nothingness and the silkiness of the skin was only felt by the cold, senile sheets...

Once again, the eagerness turned into a marriage of longing and craving with anger and vexation...

Curtains down.. The night folds, and another morning forces itself upon me...

I hold the 2 coloring pencils; I use one to draw a pinkish shadowed smile on my lips and the with the other a fading dimple on the inner side of the cheeks, and head out to yet another day, followed by yet another night...

Quote of the Day...

2009-08-31T12:28:00.001+03:00

"Unless commitment is made, there are only promises and hopes; but no plans." ~ Peter F. Drucker

Quote of the Day...

2009-08-28T08:32:00.001+03:00

"Love cures people - both the ones who give it and the ones who receive it". -Karl A. Menninger

Quote of the Day...

2009-08-27T14:45:00.001+03:00

"In true dialogue, both sides are willing to change." – Thich Nhat Hanh

The Analogy of the Fly!

2009-08-27T09:34:00.005+03:00

Every single day, I developed a habit to take a few five minute breaks during work hours, head down to the garden outside, stand there in silence and observe nature, closely, deeply...

On each day, I see something within the many layers and levels of nature that makes me wonder how similar we are to the elements of nature; how we are not that different from the bee which roams the garden trying to find the perfect flower to suckle on, the tree which stands there proud although involuntarily, the flower which tries to tease its observer with its colors and gentleness and so on...

But today, the most distinguished element of nature, which was able to capture and even more so, grab my attention was a fly!

As I stood there staring at a window from outside, I noticed a fly eagerly bashing its tiny little head against the window, trying to get out! Below the fly, at the window sill, I was able to notice a couple of dead fellow flies and bees, who apparently tried to do the same thing yet sadly failed.

This observation would have been utterly useless if it weren't for the fact that behind the window the lost fly was so vigorously attacking, there was a very wide space and a bit further, there was a door which lead to the garden i.e, freedom!

Despite the fact that the fly, as well as other insects, are structured in a way that ensures their survival to a large extent, the fly stopped at the dead end, the window, and refused to think of any other alternatives that could in fact save its existence!

Finally, the question I'd like to ask here, based on this observation, is as follows: How "fly-like" can we be when placed in a pseudo corner of making a decision or taking a stand!

Random Observation: Tangibles & Closure!

2009-08-25T14:25:00.007+03:00

The more I think about it, the more I truly believe that there exists a very high relation or even correlation between tangibles - such as cars, mobile phones and so on- and closure between two people who have ended, or in the process of ending, a relationship.

The way I see it, after having been subjected to the situation and seeing others undergo it as well, tangibles constitute a large part of any relationship, regardless of its nature, strength or purity. The tangibles we have throughout the relationship start forming some bond with our partner during his presence in our lives. If we really want to move on, it only seems objective for us to replace all the tangibles that now remind us of that one-upon-a-time partner!

Let's take a car for example, you spend hours in a car together with your partner, you laugh, argue, touch; create memories... How hard would it be to go in your car, every single day, knowing that the person who you've shared all those times with, in this particular car, is now gone? Naturally, this applies to furniture, such as a bed or a couch and the list goes on!

To some, even a mobile phone could be the tangible to replace after replacing the partner!

I guess it all depends on the budget and the will to move on!

Leaving the country seems like the best solution to replace most tangibles at once, wouldn't you agree?

2009-08-25T10:21:00.015+03:00

ابحث في عيون الناس

ابحث في عيون الناس عن وطن يضم احزانك ومآسيك
ابحث ايضا عن قلب صادقٍ يحضنك ويعطيك وعني يغنيك
هل يا ترى بعد بحثك هذا سوف تجد من ينسيك؟

قل كلاما جارحا مؤلما مجردا من الاحاسيس
لا تكن لي حبيبا ولا صديقا ولا لايامي ونيس
اطفيء بغضبك جمرة الحب وشعلة الفوانيس

اذهب في اي وجهة تشاء وعن اليالي ارحل كما تريد
او ابق واطعمني العلقم ومن خمرة لسعتك اسقني المزيد

Replace Me...

2009-08-25T09:33:00.003+03:00

There are billions of females out there,
Go ahead: replace me...

There are a thousand reasons for you to go,
After you, but face me!

There are a hundred blames you can lay on me,
Let your claims embrace me!

There are tens of tears you can drain from my soul,
And with your strings, lace me!

But there is only one heart you can break,
Then from your heart, erase me!

Quote of the Day...

2009-08-25T07:10:00.000+03:00

"The greatest enemy of knowledge is not ignorance...it is the illusion of knowledge." Stephen Hawking

One Foot Out the Door!

2009-08-24T20:01:00.004+03:00

You were so anxious to leave, you always had one foot out the door!
Every moment you ever spent with me felt as if you were doing a chore!

Whatever bothered you and we resolved was never really erased,
You kept a running counter for me for every little action misplaced!

I meant nothing to you, although you tried to act and say otherwise,
You had no concept of forgiving, you were ignorant of the word compromise!

I am made of love, to give love and breathe love, but not you...
I should have seen this all, I should have read it through!

Now your feet are both out and you closed the all the possible doors behind,
Damn it! I thought that this time I'd be more logical, maybe less blind!

Take it All Back...

2009-08-24T19:09:00.006+03:00

Take it all back just like you pretended to give it away...
Break me one more time, my heart is mutilated anyway!

Try to shake me more though you know that my grounds are trembling,
Go ahead, be like everyone else; shattering, painful and dissembling...

Talk about us behind my back, blame it all on my "bad" behavior!
You're just like anyone else, you put people down while acting like a savior!

Try to tame me and taint me more and more,
These tears I shed for you I HATE and abhor!

Take it all away, all those hollow nights, the empty words and all you did,
Take it all away, I placed a bet on us and I so sadly lost the bid!

You think you can play me? Just because you know how hard I collide?
You think you can easily abuse my heart because my emotions I can't hide?

Well "bravo" I tell you, you did it and to you I raise my hat in shame...
I'm not the victim here, I insist, I am the only one to blame!

I ache for the memories that were nothing to you,
I bleed again, I bleed for me and not for you...

As for me,

My apologies I extend to you because far from perfect I was and I admit,
Between the past, the present and the future, my damned soul was split!

I apologize for any time I caused you pain or any frown I drew on your face,
I apologize for allowing myself to be lost in your far from real embrace...

But most of all,

I apologize for seeing a family for me in your eyes,
For thinking that your smile is the cure for all my sighs...

I apologize for placing my happiness in your clumsy hands,
I apologize for laying my trust in your moving sands...

You made your point clear and now I must deal with this,
I just wish for serenity, not happiness, not love nor bliss...

Quote of the Day...

2009-08-23T20:12:00.000+03:00

"Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame". Benjamin Franklin