Wrong Turns...

Image By: Igor Jeremic

It is safe to say that life could be summarized by a set of roads leading to certain outcomes, which are, consequently, more roads!

Today, an unexpected reaction to an encounter, forced me think of those roads again, and of all those turns I've taken that lead to the road that I am currently on.

Somehow, the events of today made more impact on me than any other gut wrenching events that I have experienced lately and all those "ifs" and "maybes" came crashing down on me like hot meatballs in a spaghetti bowl!

And although I'd like to consider myself wise enough to let go of what could have been and try to deal with what is, I am unable to move past the fact that I seem to have taken so many wrong turns which have left me on a road that only leads to thorns and thunderstorms, of the heart and soul.

In a way, I feel responsible for this end, for where I am. On the other hand, I bitterly hold it against many people out there; those who have been reasons for many of my stops, sudden breaks and unplanned detours.

I just wish it didn't hurt this bad, or feel this painful. I just wish that my heart wasn't ripping away double time in my chest.

Somehow, I feel like the world is made of glass and I'm right at the edge of the only hard solid seat in the house. If I fall, my whole life will shatter into pieces. But I just keep slipping...

The Hard Way...

Image By: LL Geoff

Introduction...

As a person who NEVER got ANYTHING on a silver plate, I should have known better than to expect things to be easy and for problems to, eventually, solve themselves with time!

I was wrong, and I won't be ashamed of admitting my mistakes.

I won't blame where I am now on anyone but myself, although, GOD ONLY KNOWS, the elements and factors that lead me to the place I am right now.

I guess if I want to analyze it all, it all comes down to one thing and one thing only: my inexhaustible desire/need to BELONG to someone, something, anything!

Given the fact that I am well aware of my life's overall blunders, I now can see the size of the mistakes I have done in just in order to feel normal for once. And yet sadly, I never did.

Now that I am here, in a place where I feel trapped, alone and so insecure, I figure that I need to realize the next step and take it with careful considerations so at least when I fall this time, I can fall better.

The Hard Way...

This will not be easy since I will be utterly and completely honest about how I feel towards everyone and everything in my life because I need to set myself free from all the guilt, pain and fear that I find myself wrapped in every single day for the last many years...

However, the hard way has been the way for me. So here it goes:

1. Friends:

Oh how I have longed to have "real" friends for as long as I can remember. At times, I wanted friends to take care of me and at others, I wanted friends that I could take care of. Regardless of the reasons for this desire, I stand here and I look around me and at the "friends" that I have in my life, and I find that I have never been there for those whom I wanted to be there for (as a result of my sulking in my own crap) and the friends that were supposed to have been there for me abandoned me when I needed them the most.

But I don't blame them, I blame myself cause I should have known better, I should have expected less and I should have, at some times, been more.

However, now that I am where I am, I finally get it: I have been blessed with good friends at my most darkest times and their memories will live with me for as long as I will live. Yet, it ends there.

I promise myself in front of all of you that I will not run after friendships any longer, even if it means I will end up alone. Alone without friends is better than being with friends who only make you feel miserable, who only want you when you are happy or friends who want to control your life.

2. Family:

God only knows the number of days and nights that I have spent trying to be a good sister and daughter (even if it was my own definition of good).

Every day, I walk around with the burden of guilt towards those I want to be "perfect" for and yet can never ever be.

Don't get me wrong, I understand that I am not even close to being anything anyone wants me to be simply because I can't. But I really tried so hard. And I failed.

So I apologize.

And I also extend my apologies to include the fact that I will stop trying to be someone who I am not and for all the mistakes that I will keep doing until I eventually learn to do things otherwise, or until I die.

I will not allow the guilt of me not being there for those who push me away eat me up from inside any longer, even though I love them so much. I need to focus on me because the damage has gotten too far!

3. Love:

My story with love is the reason that I started writing many many years ago.

I must admit, love was kind to me at times and yet it kicked me in the face so many times that sometimes, when I look at the mirror, I don't recognize myself from the swelling!

If I sit alone with my thoughts for more than 5 minutes, the video of my failed love relationships plays over and over in my head. I dwell and dwell and yet never have I been able to figure out why is my luck in love this way. And is it my luck to begin with? Or the messed up choices that I make?

Regardless, today, I don't care about the reasons why Mr. X left me or Mr. Y cheated on me, or why and why my feelings to Mr. Z changed! That is besides the point simply because it happened and it ended and I have a long way to go already without the weight of ifs, whys and others holding me down.

Maybe I didn't deserve it, maybe I did.
Maybe I was the one, maybe I wasn't.

No one will be able to ever tell the difference. So, why should I even try? Why should I feel that I am not good enough? Or someone else is not good enough for me? Does it really make it any better? Never.

Whether I have given up on love with all its accompanying happiness and grief is still to be determined.

As for now, I would like to, for once, learn to love myself for the things I have worked so hard and so long to construct within me. Because that it what matters at the end; when I am in bed, sleepless, thoughtful and trembling with heart ache, that is the only thing that matters: who I am (and never who I was/am/will be for someone who might pick up and leave any time and for whatever reason it maybe).

Wow... It feels so good to let it all out. I hope this feeling lasts. And I will keep writing whenever the world seems to deaf to hear me. And I will keep looking for answers because there is no use of being alive otherwise.

I just wish that one day, I can find the peace I have been looking for...

March 23, 2011

Photo By: ClaWeD One

You might wonder about the title of this post, and you might not... Whatever you to decide to do, it is your own choice and I won't try to convince you otherwise!

However, allow me to try and explain the reason for it...

The title marks a new realization,
Of my current situation!
(And my past many as well)

It is a stamp and a final conclusion,
For the end of my every illusion!
(Of a better day)

Smile with others... Yet cry alone,
And never mute your pain with a drone...
(But keep"silent" on)

Lose yourself into you,
There's no shame in being blue...
(Very, very blue)

Be one with nature, not with another,
You don't need a merciless lover...
(Or friend)

Let go and just be,
Wait not for someone to set you free...
(And free you will be)

Water Tap...

Photo By:ClaWeD One

People's words are like nothing but broken taps indeed,
They always whisper to you whatever words you need!

They fill up buckets with useless promises & lies,
They then look you, reassuringly, in the eyes...

Wet and useless, each drop drops!
Yet you're alone, when your heart stops!

Silence... I can't hear it's beat,
I'm weeping, I'm weary and 'm beat!

But it's okay, it's alright,
No need to fuss, no need to fight!

I will retire...
For I am really tired...

I can't take any more...
I won't knock on this door...

Fools We Are!

When I needed a savior,
I thought it'd be you, but I was wrong!

Damn, this sounds like an old 50's song!

But it's not...
It's my guilty plea...

I am who I am, and sadly, no one else could I be!

But again, that's not the point...

But what the hell is?

I seriously doubt there is one!

I mean love, devotion, compassion, and all that crap...

Who cares?

All those ifs and maybes...

Then what?

Foolish...

Nothing more, nothing less!

Bowling Balls!

Photo By: aubrey_54

As I sit here all alone, trying so hard to soak my pain in, suddenly, it all turns into sheer, pure irony!

And as the colors and holes of the bowling balls frolic around so happily in my exhausted mind, I am reminded of the ignorance and sadness of human beings; how pitiful they can be...

Therefore, instead of writing a short poem about the pain I feel and how alone I am, I decide to revert to irony, hoping that it could somehow have the power to lift these shadows away from my weeping heart!

How little is our realization of how lucky can be,
And how unlucky we really are!

How sad it is to need some closeness,
While closeness remains so far!

How ignorant we are of our blessings,
Until they walk us by!

How much we want to live the moment,
Yet then we say goodbye!

How much value we place on friendship,
Then we end up alone!

How invisible we think we are,
Though we're only flesh & bone!

The colors of the bowling balls haunt me, and I realize the intensity of this ache...
I listen to my music and, just like a fragile piece of glass, I break, break and break...

Trapped in Limbo...

In my own mind, I wake up trapped,
Just like I did when I fell asleep...
The world is a movie that I watch while wrapped,
In endless thoughts that scream and weep!

Like a leafless tree I stand tall yet clueless,
Wondering what the next step should be...
Every solution I produce turns out to be useless,
And every one around me is too blind to see!

In my own heart, there are a billion questions,
About love, hope, family, life and chances...
I try hard to answer it back with empty suggestions,
Avoiding its doubtful and attacking glances!

Like a headless bird I fly, with no direction,
Aiming towards something I don't even know!
Needing more than warmth; purer protection,
Like a little girl, lost in the big white snow!

Stuck in limbo, been there for years now,
Every shore I reach seems like a trap!
To life's unfunny tricks I give a fat bow,
While I count every disappointment and mishap!

Yellow Heart

My wilted yellow heart aches,
My nightmare never breaks...

Like an infinite ride,
I run and you hide!

The ache is too painful,
Your words, too hateful...

The sorrow eats me away,
How long will your record play?

Nothing but lies & lies,
No emotions in your eyes...

Barely able,
Hardly stable.

I call for God's mercy to let me go,
I ask for reasons, you don't even know!

Little Fat Liar!

A little fat liar knocked at my door,

I didn't recall seeing him before!

I opened my door & let him inside,
Never choosing to look behind!

The little fat liar broke my home down,
I begged him with tears to stop!
He watched me beg, he watched me frown,
His innocent act he refused to drop!

Now my home is a living hell,
Yet he remains alive & well!

The little fat liar got what he wants,
My life he stole & my dreams he still haunts!

A Dash of Narcissism?

Wide brown eyes that pierce the soul with questions,
Dark covers comfortably lay over a beautiful mind...

Pulling me into multifarious different directions,
Taking me onwards, somehow erasing behind...

Wordless - Painless.

Unintended.

A dash of narcissism...
A pinch of egoism...

And a perfectly guilty smile...

Feel Me, Read Me, See Me

Photo By: Beirut

Read me like a puzzle; with all of its missing pieces,
Like a children's book which you read to your nieces!

Dive into my complications...
Live my realizations...

Hear me like a lullaby; see how two could become one;
As if joined, share my joy & the sweat from an endless run...

Come into my revelations,
Ride the aspirations...

See me, as I am and not whom you expect me to be,
Like a ship at bay; still not ready to sail out to the sea...

Walk by my insanities,
Decipher my realities...

Feel me, like a winter's chill or a summer's fall,
Like an old lady's smile and a baby's first crawl!

I'm nothing but a girl finding me way through...
I'm nothing but a girl with many keys and no clue!

A Cradle for My Sleepless Soul...

In you, I have unearthed a cradle for my sleepless soul,
I've found you a temporary escape into my heart's parole!

With you, I float in an air of lightness and a hushed serenity,
I've found you a branch to hold onto a few steps from insanity!

Beside you, I feel as whole as a full moon on a summer's night,
I've found your beats a haven and in your rhythms I see the light!

As I hear you, I unfold, fold and unfold again, again and again,
I've found you to be my "happy pill", the lift and the crane!

As I live you, I am unplugged from the chaos inside my head,
I've found you to be the time when all thoughts to go to bed!

Sweet music: you are never the cause and always the cure,
The only true friend I have; always guiding me to the way to endure...

Words from Experience...

I wish I knew these things before... I would have done so many things differently...

• I have learned to cherish every moment I have with a good friend because life happens and all that is left are memories of great times that might never be repeated again!

• Good friends are like gray whales (almost extinct). So when you find them, make sure you let them know how much you value their friendship any chance you have.
  

• Don't complain that your phone doesn't stop ringing: it's only when the ringing stops that you will appreciate it!

• When you feel down and can't think of one person to talk to and share your troubles with, you need to start rethinking about who you can call a "friend".

• Stop thinking that you live on hope; it's a myth! You live on food and water (or earth if I'm being sarcastic)!
  

• No one is 100% bad; however, how bad is the bad part is what you have to consider!

• Living by the rules or breaking them is a choice you have to make on your own... Just like you alone will have to live with the consequences!

• Beauty doesn't get you anywhere good. Trust me, you don't want to be surrounded by people who only care about being with you as far as the bed (or sofa - whichever floats your boat)!

• Laughter is as important as tears... One lifts the spirits while the other frees it!

• Words are empty shells which can't kill you but can really bruise!

(To be continued)

Positivity with A Twist!

Image By: Eric Clapton

Many people define being positive by one's ability to see things in a "good" light regardless of how bad or ugly they are. They estimate a person's positivity by how much pain, disrespect, anger and stress he/she can take without losing that "special smile" - even if it was a fake one :)

However, the longer I think about positivity, and the deeper I try to understand it, I realize that many positive "thoughts" are mainly lies we feed ourselves in order to fill our hunger for real happiness and peace of mind.

Allow me to share a few examples with you:

• Good things happen to those who wait.

But how long can you wait? And what if they come after you don't need them anymore? Are they still considered good?

• You should see the glass half full.
  

What if the full half is full of crap? Poison? Or just some rotten juice? Isn't the glass better half empty then?

• Wherever you go, no matter what the weather, always bring your own sunshine.

What if it was scorching hot and a drought was in the horizon? You bring more sun? Or you just get some of your "gloomy" clouds to try to help?

• If you don't get everything you want, think of the things you don't get that you don't want.

I'd rather think about the things I don't want but still get!

• If you don't think every day is a good day, just try missing one.

I'm sure whoever wrote this never tried missing one so he really has no solid grounds for his assumption!

• Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.
  

At the same token, attitude could be a big thing that makes a little to no difference!

• Happiness is an attitude. We either make ourselves miserable, or happy and strong. The amount of work is the same.

2 things: You can be miserable and strong or happy and weak. Also, making ourselves happy and strong needs more work, that is if we can find a right definition for happy to begin with!

• We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.

.... and suffering from sever neck pains!

• Defeat is not bitter unless you swallow it.
  

What if you try to inject it? Or even sniff it?

• The only disability in life is a bad attitude.

However, some of the many successful people in life carry around a bad attitude and this is what got them where they are!

• My riches consist not in the extent of my possessions, but in the fewness of my wants.

Okay. But how about the needs? They are many, aren't they? Or those could be chopped up as well?

• There are no menial jobs, only menial attitudes.

Have you ever visited one of the sweatshops where the workers are beaten, harassed, abused and rarely paid? I have! Therefore, I totally disagree!

(To be continued)

More Power to the Donkeys!

The topic of animals and their rights has been circulating my head recently.

Since many people out there dare to compare humans to animals, and since this comparison has been made in front of me a few times lately, I would like to speak on behalf of the animals (not that I claim to be as smart as they are!).

How do we dare to claim we better than animals?

Let's take donkeys, yeah donkeys! They are smarter than us! At least, they learn from their experiences. How many human beings do?

How about dolphins? I bet you can teach them things you can never teach to a university student finishing his MBA!

Forget learning.. Let's move on:

When it comes to killing: Tell me which animal kills just for the hell of it - just for kicks? How many animals do you know killed other animals for money, power or revenge? I dare you to name just one!

Not enough? Okay, here's some more:

How many animals cunningly plan to destroy trees to make paper? How many animals try to kill nature to build fancy buildings? Or better yet, how many animals do you know drive luxurious cars which widen the whole in the ozone layer? (Yes, the ozone layer, remember it?)

Come on people!

Your cat comes and licks your face when you cry... She is able to show compassion. How many people do you know who are able to do the same?

Your dog protects you when he feels your in trouble... He is able to sense your fear. How many friends do you know who would feel that?

All I am asking here is for you to count to ten, just ten, before considering a comparison between human beings and animals, simply because it is unfair! Unfair I tell you!

Think about it... Or just ignore what I'm saying and prove my point! It's up to you!

Boredom Falls!

For some reason, my appetite for writing seems to be at its peak. And somehow, for the first time ever, I feel like writing about things other than the ordinary crap such as love, pain and all those endless topics which I could write about forever!

As I thought of which topic to choose for this particular post, the title "Darkness Falls" appeared in my head. For all you horror-movie-loving freaks, I am sure this name is familiar. For the others, I think you get the idea!

Since I feel that I am consumed with boredom lately, I think it's a good idea to talk about it especially that this type of boredom is terribly horrific; it should probably be made into a blockbuster horror movie!

Here it goes... And I kid you not!

I am bored!

Bored of boredom itself,
Bored like a forgotten book on a dusty shelf!

I am bored!

Wherever I go it is there,
Boredom seems like another particle in the air!

I am bored!

If I am eating, drinking or sleeping,
Whether I am laughing or weeping!

I am bored!

And I have dreams to follow, I promise it's true,
But this boredom is haunting me whatever I do!

I am bored!

Bored of people, chats, interactions and talks,
Bored of books, movies, going out and walks!

I am bored!

Though I'm not idle or lazy!
Damn this boredom, it's driving me crazy!

I am bored!

And I think that it sucks when boredom falls,
Oh how happily it bounces of the mind's walls!

The Mobile Phone Parody!

For as long as I can recall, dad and I never used to agree about... well, more or less anything! I can actually remember a time when I used to wonder: "Are we really related? Could it be that I had another father, a real one, who mom never told me about?"

Since those are issues that will never be resolved except after a DNA test., let's move on to the topic I would like to pick your brain on today: Mobile phones!

My dad never owned a mobile phone, until less than a year ago. He argued that when he wanted to be located "and harassed" he would be at a certain place - work or home - and people could reach him there. Otherwise, he preferred not to be bothered and felt he was better off without the constant interrogation of: "Where are you? What are you doing? When are you coming?"

That always used to astonish me! I mean really: It's amazing that you can be in touch with everyone all the time. Right?

Wrong!

The mobile phone has managed to transform itself from a tool for necessary communication into a tracking device then evolved - devolved, rather - to a blaming apparatus!

Forget about the global obsession with mobile brands, models, updates and software. Also, forget about the demonic possession accompanied with buying a Blackberry or an iPhone. I am just talking about the not-so-obvious problems that having any mobile phone impose!

Blame Me Not!

Well, I am one of the many victims of the mobile phone. I am sure after reading this post, you will see yourself in the same place as I am as well!

Have you ever dosed off in front of your TV and woke up to find 3 missed calls and 2 messages? You check to see who it is and you find out the following:

1. The 3 missed calls and the message are from the same person.
2. The first message went something like this: "Are you okay? I tried calling you, you didn't pick up when I called!"
3. The second message read as follows: "Are you upset from me? Did I do something to piss you off?"

By the time you are done analyzing the situation, you wish you never owned a phone or even worse, you wish you never woke up!

However, still that can be seen as cute!

How about this situation:

You are busy with whatever or you just want to be alone. You start getting calls and for some reason or another, you decide not to pick up! A few days later, you find out that x is bad mouthing you or when you meet him/her, you get the cold shoulder. When you ask why, you get this answer: "Why didn't you pick up when I called?"

And it doesn't end here...

You try to explain that you were busy, and that seems outrageous to many!

You try to explain that you need time alone, and the psychoanalysis begins!

Come on people; when did having a mobile phone automatically mean that it will be with you 24/7? And who said we have an obligation to picking up very call we get and reply to every message we receive?

I wonder: who changed the laws of social interaction and forgot to send me the draft?

Oh, I have to end this here because my phone is ringing... Don't want to piss someone off now, or do we? :)

An Illusion of a Home...

What is a home...

Without smiles that bounce off the walls?
Without pictures to liven up the silent halls?

What is a home...

Without an embrace after a day's rush?
Without hope and love in absolute lush?

What is a home...

Without a soul to hear my tears at night?
Without someone to stop this internal fight?

What is a home...

Nothing but stones, mud and nails,
A harbored ship which never sails!
A mystical cat with many furry tails!

An illusion of a home... Nothing more, nothing less...

I Long for You...

I long for you...

For the endless nights,
For the shallow fights,
For the dimmed lights...

I long for you...

Every morning when I open my eyes,
Every time I try to mute the sighs,
Often, when I am consumed with cries!

I long for you...

A free shore for my restless trip,
A warm embrace after a wet dip,
A cure from every poison's sip!

I long for you...

And I wonder: where you are,
How could you be so far,
& what do I do with this scar?

The Pain Chart!

For almost everything in life, there is a chart. Charts, simply pit, are graphical representations of information which allow us and others to understand the subject at hand more clearly through visuals.

Therefore, I wonder now, can matters of the heart be put into a chart and explained for dimwits who lack the ability to see and for ourselves to be able to see better?

Think about this:

A pain chart... Where would your pain rank?

Way at the top, or down under the last name,
How would the pain you feel rank today?
Add to that your loss of interest in the "game",
And people's desire to hurt and to play!

Although dwarfed by chaos and death,
Your pain remains alive and well,
You're out of fights and out of breath,
Degraded, jaded, invaded cell by cell!

Who can you compare to on the pain chart?
How can one measure matters of the heart?

"Damn the pain, and damn the chart!
Now that you and I are forever apart!"

Inspired by a fellow writer, and a friend...