Forgive Me, If You Can...

Image By: Beirut

Forgive me, if you can:

For the engendered pain oozing from my weary face,
And the dormant rage leaking from my sleepy eyes...
For the times I let you down and lose my subtle grace,
And the constant fear, hesitations and erupting sighs...

Forgive me, if you can:

And I really wish you would, sooner than later I guess,
I am growing into my skin, which barely fits me anymore!
For the longest time I have been in such a terrible mess,
That I can't help but fear a big fall after a love's soar!

Forgive me, if you can:

I can't seem to get over the bulk of sadness I so stupidly wore,
I can't seem to stop my mind from anticipating more pain!
I find myself wrapped up in the past's slime from head to core,
I really, truly, sincerely can't handle getting hurt once again!

A Hesitant Suicide Note...

A while back, around 4 or 5 years ago, I remember writing a suicide note. I know what you're thinking: "Crazy!" It's your opinion. So maybe I am, maybe I'm not.

Come to think of it, the funny and equally ironic thing about that suicide note, which I remember very clearly now, as if I wrote it a couple of days ago, is the reason why I decided to write that note: A state of overwhelming happiness and safety, one which I was scared that this cruel life would steal away from me!

That suicide note explained the bliss and serenity I felt and how terrifying the thought of losing all that I had, all that I felt and the love that grew inside of me then, due to something out of my control!

Today, as I stand here trembling with fear of the mere thought of having to be threatened, humiliated, rejected, abandoned and marginalized, I think I have reached a new point of surrender: a point of no return...

It is one thing to die while your in love and your loved in return, happy, blissful and satisfied. However, it's another thing to die because your body began to cave in and fall apart, your mind is almost numb from negative thoughts and your heart is weak and feeble from the pain you are put through, day after day, and with no true reason of why this is all happening!

Lies, lies and more lies!

Deception, deception and more of it to come!

Ignorance, selfishness, carelessness...

Inflated ego, weak personalities, chains and no saws!

Now, after I thought this through, I surrender: I planned it all and prepared for the final scene...

I am finally relieved!

The clock is ticking and soon, it will be all over; for I have been all I can be and did all I can do for a big fat "NOTHING"!

May this soul of mine finally rest in peace...

P.S: For all of you out there who contributed to this final scene: May you get exactly what you deserve in life. You mocked my pain but your time must and will come.

Love's Painful Chains...

"What I needed most was to love and to be loved, eager to be caught. Happily I wrapped those painful bonds around me; and sure enough, I would be lashed with the red-hot pokers or jealousy, by suspicions and fear, by burst of anger and quarrels". St. Augustine

I have spent my recent days in numbness, my dark nights in solitude,
I have tried my best to be alright, I have not found peace or gratitude...

All I needed was to love and be loved, all I needed was for this pain to find a cure,
Yet the thrones of life were scheming to rip me; too much anger rising that I can't endure!

I'm spread in all directions, pulled apart like a fallen birdman on the sidewalk of dead dreams!
Whether I call out or keep it all locked up inside, the sound is too muffled to unfurl my screams!

Where do I go? How do I run away from my senses, those which in chaos both boil and steam?
How do I teach my heart to be ice cold? How do I force my mind to lie, pretend and scheme?

Allow Me to Introduce Myselves to You...

I claim no fame, power or authority... That is something I have to make clear...
I just need you all to listen, very carefully, to everything I'm going to say here...

Whether it be day or night, at work, at home or out for fun,
May it be hot or cold, a rainy day or one blessed with sun...

I am many people living in one container called the body,
I maybe someone and might as well even be a nobody!

Therefore, after this brief introduction, allow me to introduce "myselves" to you!

A little girl with a heart so pure and untainted, simply wanting to run and play,
Mindless of the pains in the world, just living life carelessly day by day...

An angry rebel; trying hard to adapt to a world filled with misery and unjust,
Fighting for rights which have been unfairly taken, seeking answers in the dust!

An optimist with faith and hope that things will change to the better if I try,
Holding in the frustrations and smiling to the tears that slip from my eye...

A pessimist to the core, doubting everything and everyone around,
Fearing a sorrowful end with a chocked scream and a muffled sound...

I might smile all day but come the night I might break down in tears...
I might be confident at times while at others I might tremble in my fears!

Today I know what I want but tomorrow I might change my mind,
I might believe in love at many times although I know it is blind!

Moody and unpleasant I know I can be at any point of any day,
And I won't hide the pain I feel to avoid other people's dismay!

But overall, at least I know that I am many living in one,
That will never change, not after all the damages done!

**Special thanks to Tywak ( Break ) for the image...

Caution: Road Bump Ahead!

To someone who claims to have reached maturity at almost all levels, it seems to be rather juvenile to view the world in a multi-layered color scheme or to imagine that, with all the possible variable available, things will eventually turn out to be for my best interest.

Yet, I do!

Whether it be an insignificant action that causes a big problem and greater manifestations that ever expected with a family member or just simple unfulfilled expectations, which you promised yourself never to set, it feels as though we are constantly swimming upstream!

What I can't really grasp is the concept of "perfection", which seems to be the new trending topic of my days and what everyone is seeking to find in others while the truth of the matter remains to be: No one is perfect, no one can be perfect, and that is that!

Regardless of the efforts we invest in building ourselves to be strong, independent, well-rounded, caring intellectual givers, at the end of the day, when push comes to shove, we are who we are: Mortal fragile human beings made of flesh, blood, emotions, contradictions and in some cases, a whole lot of pain that we need time as well as support to digest!

Sometimes, I wish...

Clumsily, I do sometimes wish that in life, people would have been more cautious and aware of their behaviors, which ended up causing me indescribable pain and disappointments. I wish I was a clean white slate with no aching past to get over, no haunted present to live and no sealed future to fear...

But that can never be, and I am mature enough to realize that...

What worries me though, is the duration it will take me to be "me" once again and the slight chance that that could actually happen...

And then again, the questions that arise are:

Do I really want to be "me" again? Is "me" good enough? Is "me" able to overcome the many road pumps in my coming past and fix the damages done due to the past bumps I have passed?

Maybe, maybe not...

All I am certain of now is that I'm shattered in a million directions like shreds of a bullet which exploded and landed everywhere yet nowhere in specific...

I surrender now to my weakness, if only for a few minutes, and allow my tears to gently run over the paths of my tired face...

Beirut

And I Keep on Running...

Have you ever felt like you were engulfed while being in a big space? Trying to run away, further and further, only to find that you were surely running yet in all the wrong directions?

This piece is about that feeling...
The feeling of finding out that you are running endlessly and getting nowhere... At least nowhere right... Nowhere you want to end up... Nowhere you that you are supposed to be...

And I keep on running....
Like a deer performing the role of a prey...
Away from the big bad lion that has come out to play...
Trying to escape his sharp claws of memories, his pointed teeth of clay!

And I keep on running...
Helplessly, endlessly, hopelessly...
Towards no one in particular, since none of them really care...
Towards no place to call home, since that place is no longer there...

And I keep on running...
And now I'm out of breath and my feet are sore...
Looking into blank eyes that seem to hate and abhor!
Wanting to find a warm embrace, a cradling shore...

And I keep on running...
And you all keep judging me by the day!
Watching every move I make!
And you all don't even know me!
Your empathy is a pure fake!

And I keep on running...
Missing the closeness of a real friend,
Craving a real hug, a new beginning to this awful end!

And I keep on running...
In all the wrong directions and there's nowhere to go!
I act ignorant, but I know, I know...
This tired soul of mine I need to lay down or low!

Cause I can't keep running...
Not anymore...