ان شئت أن أنسى.....تذكرت.. امتلأت بحاضري، واخترت يوم ولادتي....لارتب النسيان، فتتشعب الذكرى.هنا قمر يعد وليمة لغيابه

He Sleeps...

While he sleeps, I rest awake uneasy, unmatched, misplaced, out of order!!
Just around a hundred ideas run loose inside my mind and my sanity border!
The parameters of reality stretch further and further to unravel the truth of what has become…
All that was there slithered and fainted into the echoes of my misery's drum!
I still can hear his voice so clearly ripping up my hopes from inside…
The shrieks of chaos resonate while I try, soaked with burdens, to carry my stride…

I feel so out of words and out of sighs!
I feel the tension in my core rise….

"Are you the same girl who sat there next to her??" He continuously asked…
How could he, this stubbornness and callousness, so skillfully masked?

"…………………….." Those are the unspoken words that were never meant to be heard!
And now all the meanings, values and beliefs seem to be so distant and blurred!
I will retire now, to my bed of memories once more…
And pray that this furious sea of confusion will lead me to any shore…

A Mild Reflection!

Snow leopard cub Gul'cha (L), born July 8, 2006, plays with his mother Dshamilja in their outdoor pen at the zoo of Zurich January 17, 2007.

Animals... How lucky they are; they just have to worry about eating, sleeping and ******!

Reasons for The "New Blog Look"...

Official grieving & mourning due to a massive individual loss & let down...

I Wish....

I wish I had the "right" words to explain how I feel now…
I wish I had the time to tell you all the things I felt for you…
I wish I had the years to pass next to you without worrying about the days to come…
I wish I had the energy and patience to wait for nothing and everything at the same time…
I wish I had the answers to all your questions, if you ever needed to ask them, and I wish you had the answers to mine…
I wish things were like they were just a few days ago…
I wish I could have passed this without any pain or regrets…
I wish I could soften your heart and alter your head and thoughts…
I wish I was someone else at another time!
I wish I wasn't alone now, feeling hollow and so bitter…
I wish I can find my smile – I must have misplaced it in your car and forgot to grab it along with me, on that day, when I walked out, with all my broken hopes and dreams…
I wish my mind could just "log off" at least and my eyes would just shut open!
I wish my tummy wasn't as stubborn as my blood, which only accepts O+!
I wish time had stopped a few days back… When I had "faith" in love and a better day…

Reality Check:

Only rarely do wishes come true!

Action:

Deal with it!

لم يأت.قلت :ولن ........إذا...سأعيد ترتيب المساء كما يليق بخيبتي ...وغيابه :أطفأت نار شموعه .....أشعلت نور الكهرباء

A Salute to Memories!! Once Again...

I've been sitting for hours now, alone in my room again, just thinking about life, relationships but most of all, memories…

It is such a great dilemma that memories present:

Memories, especially those beautiful ones, spent with a dear friend, a relative, a partner… Memories of joyful laughs, true smiles, pure bliss and happy moments, how wicked and evil they can become! How much pain they can bring after all is said and done…

Whether the details were vague or clear, whether the moments were long or short, no matter what they resulted from, regardless of the place, memories, once they remain after the "LOSS", are just like sharpened spears that cut through our souls and existence… The single reason behind our happiness for hours, days or weeks after, becomes the main reason for our pain and the spiteful and dark nights relived later on…

I, again, raise my hat and salute memories, just as I did to life and its irony… I think I despise them both equally right now!

News Update:

I would like to give you a brief summary of what is going on today, February 4th, 2007:

1. Scores killed in Baghdad market blast.
2. Indonesia floods leave 145,000 homeless .
3. Colombia coal mine explosion kills 32.
4. A strong storm hits Amman.
5. A 24 year old girl suffers a painful loss.

News Analysis:

No one has planned for all those tragedies, all those who were killed and left homeless.
See? Life is full of crap which hits you from any place without further notice.
Did any of the above people know what will happen to them? And if they knew, could they have, I mean really, ran away from it?
Planning and planning and losing everything you gain will get you no where! Because you can never have the "right" plan and you will always need someone by your side.
No one can predict the future; no one knows if they will be alive the next day, no one knows anything!
I, for example, would have loved to have been killed in a car accident after any moment of true happiness, but it never happened, as you see! I am all alone, feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders. Feeling broken down and so fragile!

Word of advice:

Hold on to what you have, do not just sit there and watch it go because people, in nature, only feel the value of what they had when they lose it. But sometimes, it is then when they can never have it back.

كيف؟ و لماذا؟

كيف يمكنك أن تغلق عينيك و تنام و أنت تعرف مدى حزني و ألمي؟
أنت، يا من تبرأت لأجله من جميع خطاياي
يا من وهبت لأجله كل ما أحببت و كافة عطاياي
يا من ملكت تفكيري و عقلي و ملكتني بنظرة عابرة
كيف تنام أنت و تبقي دموعي حائرة؟
هل أكتبك لأنسى أم لأبقي ذكراك ساهرة؟
هل أهواك لأهوى أم لأضحك على هذه الدنيا الساخرة؟

The Moment of Truth!

What do you do when the moment of truth arrives, many years late, and knocks at your door??

I look at myself now, I look in the mirror, and all I see are sheer reflections of what I used to be and faded images of who I wanted to become…

My heart speaks an utterly foreign language that my soul can no longer understand…
My mind is in a constant struggle of what I want to do and what I end up doing as a result!

I grope on to the faith granted to me by those who truly care yet I grip the small hints of disappointments from those you wish me harm…
I am a muddle of mixed emotions running towards a big, plain and dark wall!
Knowing that I will collide right into it but not discerning how or when!

Back to the moment of truth, in particular, my moment of truth!

It seems to me that lately I have been running around myself in circles and steering away from logic and my own sanity continuously…
I hold on to the impossible and pursue the unattainable…
I give my self valid reasons at times when no reasons are valid enough…
I paint myself pictures of colorful hopes and dreams when I have nothing but black paints!
I wait and wait and wait… When there is no common sense in waiting…
I wish, I pray, I hope…. When deep inside I know that no good will come out from any of those…

How long will I linger behind that door afraid to face it all?
How long can I ignore the knocking, the knocking on my door?!

Contemplations.... (An Old Piece of Writing)

Let us contemplate together for a moment…

It is true that this world we live in, not by choice, is a cruel world; a crazy jungle!
It is full of deaths, suffering, poverty, despair and disappointments… It is a world where people die for no reason, suffer for no cause and feel pain with no limits…

I wish…

I wish I was a bird or a butterfly, just to fly away…

Fly higher that the pain and suffering…

I want to be able to travel between countries and cities, over houses and trees while watching them all from above…

I want to admire the beauty of nature from atop….

I want to ponder over the seas without the risk of being poisoned with their pollution!

I want to reflect on people without the risk of being hurt by them…

I want to be free of my fears and tears…

…. Drip, drip, drip… The sound of the rain hammering in the background of my sanity…
Or is it the echo of my grief falling into my soul!!!

Thoughts of A Broken Heart...

The only “funny” thing about life is that it lacks humor at all!
I look around and don’t see you there, no one left to catch my fall…
I remember all your words, your promises – or should I call them lies?
I lay awake on our memories ad I breathe out tears and cries!
Why did you have to be just like “every other guy”?
Why was it so easy for you to hear me say goodbye?
Although I miss you, I won’t be there if you ever decide to come back or call…
I will bare the pain, lock it up inside, even if it made me crawl!
I hope this is what you really wanted because there is no turning back…
How could I trust you when your emotions are dead, when the essence of love you lack?

A Glance in My Past...

I lost my feelings’ virginity the moment I fell so deeply in love with you…
My heart still yearns to be with you and I’m aching in a way I never before knew…
The biggest flaws you have I still miss and even adore…
With every day that passes, I just want you back even more…
I’m a victim of my own emotions and in memories of you I always drown…
And in my love for you I’ve played the fool, the stupid, the clown!
I keep thinking of ways to turn your heart back to me once again…
Maybe somehow that can take away some of my burning pain…
You once were the only reason for every breath I take…
You were my strength to hold on, the guide for every step I make…

Losing Faith Plat De Jour!

Let me introduce you to a new recipe, one which I'd like to call "Losing Faith Plat De Jour"!

Ingredients:

2 grams of hope
3 grams of smiles
1/2 a glass of content
1 drop of satisfaction
6 spoons of dreams
1/2 a kilo of disappointment
1/2 a kilo of being misunderstood
1/2 a kilo of being ill-treated

Preparation Steps:

1. Mix the hope with the smiles and stir. (You will need a fragile bowl, preferably crystal, so the loss will be exaggerated!)
2. Now add the 1/2 glass of content and mix well.
3. Slowly and carefully, add the dreams to the mix you already have and then add the drop of satisfaction.
4. Now you have a perfect day where you actually feel happy and look forward to the rest of your day.
5. Now, without waiting so much longer (the more hopes you have for a "perfect" day, the more pain you will feel when you lose it!), add the disappointment, being misunderstood and being ill-treated.

Cooking Requirements:

Bake in your mind and dwell over it for a few minutes.

Voila! Now you have the perfect "Losing Faith" recipe!

Enjoy!

* Please note: This plate is meant for only one serving yet it might feed many of those around you as well!

أحب المستحيل و أنتظره بفارغ الأمل و الحرمان
فلا أنا أحببت السهل يوما و لا كان لي هو بحسبان
أعشق الدمع الذي يذرف من قلبي بعد يوم مليء بالخيبات
فلا دمعي يبخل و لا الخيبة تبعد عني المسافات
أحيا لأرى مقدرتي على تحمل الصعاب و الآلام
فلا الصعاب تهون و لا أجد حدا لمقدرتي رغم الأيام

سئلت

سئلت عن الحنين و ما عرفت له بمكان
سئلت عن الصدق فأجبت: إن الصدق ليس موجودا في هذا الزمان
سئلت عن الذي كان و عن قصتي أنا كانسان
فكان ردي: حرمت من وطن أحيا فيه بأمان
سلبت مني طفولة فيه تغمرني بالفرحة و الأحزان
فلا أنا أملك ذكرياته ولا شاطرته الألحان
و لا لعبت في أحضانه ولا اغتسلت بترابه أجمل الألوان
و لا هو يعرف اسمي و لا مني شعر بالحنان
و لا يعلم أن الدنيا إذا هانت، حبي له و الله ما هان

The Five People You Meet in Heaven or HELL!!!

Well, some time ago, actually, a long time back, someone started reading this book to me: "The Five People You Meet in Heaven"…

This book was mainly about how our actions, whether directly or indirectly, effect those around us, in one way or another. It revolved around the idea that everything in this life is interlinked and how everything we do or don't do, say or don't say, affects someone else's life and not necessarily someone we met or might ever meet for that matter!

For years now, I was so interested in finishing that book to see what the end was going to be like… Finally, I lost interest!

A few days ago, I heard that a new book was published after that one, called: "The Five People You Meet in Hell"!!! Ironic, isn't it!

This world, this life, our existence, it is based on mere irony! Fake moments of happiness, few hints of temporary satisfaction, tiny specs of unjustified hopes and many splintered dreams…

In fact, it is true that everything we do does and will definitely affect someone else's life… This effect maybe positive or negative, but it is essentially existent and truly valid!

Think about this: everyone in this world will pay, at one point or another, for someone else's mistakes! There is no getting out of it or escaping from it!

On the political level: we, the citizens of any country we reside in, pay for our government's mistakes…

On the social level: we, as daughters or sons, pay for our parents' or other relatives' mistakes… Whether it be the mistake of our parents' wrong choice of a partner or a relative's stupid behavior which will inflict irreparable harm to our being…

On the work level: we, as employees, pay for our boss's mistakes! Or we just pay for the mistakes any employees before us had committed!

On the emotional level: someone, who will come after the damage is done and our souls no longer exist, and will pay for the mistakes those before him/her had made and caused us to be the "cruel, insensitive, careless wrecks" we have become!

On the friendship level: we, as friends, pay for the negligence of other friends and the hard times our friends go through due to all of the aforementioned levels!

All I wonder about right now is this: where do we meet all these people at the end: in heaven or in hell? Isn't it harsh to condemn someone to a crime that might have been a reaction to another crime? Maybe all those who harmed us have been mere victims of someone else's mistakes along this long and dreadful road called life!!!!

The Point of No Return...

Have you ever reached to an end of a road, where there wasn’t any way to turn back, except by using your reverse?
Well, I have not with a car but with my life, where there is no reverse!!!
I lost all the true feelings I had towards anything in my life, anything that surrounds me…
I lost all hopes and dreams of finding my rainbow…
I became stateless, hopeless and emotionless…
I reached a point of no return and no going ahead…
Nothing matters and nothing is dear…
Nothing counts and nothing is important…
I spent so many days and nights just going around my pain in circles…
And now, it is there, trapped with me at the end of the road…
It is there haunting me, screaming my name, teasing me…
Accepting things the way they are is the only manner I can follow in order to keep my sanity…
Giving up on any positive anticipations is the only route to my peace of mind…
This is it… This is really it…

I Reminisce...

I reminisce those days when dreams used to be my escape from this reality…
I reminisce those times my heart used to be whole and how it ran wild and free…
I reminisce the time when I used to love with all I had and give so sincerely…
I reminisce the way I used to be proud in being me!
I reminisce the long walks we used to have through the endless road of hope…
I reminisce our drives and our talks and how with pain we used to cope…
I reminisce the will we had to fight the world for what we believe in…
I reminisce how we stood strong against all odds and how it felt to win…

Now I look back at those times and I wish I could go back to the way it was and used to be…
As it gets farther away, more and more sadness floods over me…

Beginning the Year: Beirut

First of all, I wish you all a more relaxing and less troublesome new year!

Now, let me dig in to the main subject of today…

Date: Friday, January 05, 2007

Location: Hamra, Beirut (my old office)

I have so many things I want to talk about but somehow I am unable to prioritize them in useful and meaningful phrases!

Being here once again, being in the capital which carries the same name as I do, walking down its streets, breathing in its fresh yet humid winds, seeing all the familiar faces, hearing its casual yet somehow comforting noises… It takes me back to those days… The days when everything was so calm in its own way… Those days when I was sad yet was able to carry a sincere smile everywhere I go… Back when being extremely happy was achieved by a small drive down by the sea shore or just by walking to and from university, watching the world pass by so quickly yet so peacefully…

It is raining outside… I just got inside and I’m all wet… I feel that I am getting really sick but I still can maintain a beam on my face… I feel at ease with everything around me… I feel like I am at home; right where I am supposed to be…

I sometimes wish I could lose life at moments like these just to maintain this state of soul I am experiencing… I wish I would just part with life on such occasions when holding on to beautiful moments would be eternal…

I am Beebee’s torn and healing heart… I am my own soul’s reflection… I am a lost mind wandering around in this beautiful capital… Beirut.

Look at all these people around me… I am blessed… I am cursed… I am, once again, confused…

Deep inside I know that I can never be as happy as I am right now which, in a twisted kind of way, makes me the saddest I can ever be! You see, what you can’t have is always more attractive, it is even sexier! What you can’t have is always what you want and even what you need! The impossible is the maximum satisfaction as long as it remains impossible… And so on…

Beirut: the capital… I love you… I love you more and more each day… I love how similar you are to me… I love your contradictions, your mood swings, your ups and downs… I love the sadness you carry within your rains and the happiness your sunshine brings… I love how your sea is calm sometimes and at other times how crazy its waves can be… I love the people who live in you… The people who live around you… Even those who hurt you…

I think I will end this long piece of writing now… With all my love and sincere loyalty…