Numerology.. What it says about me..

The Life Path 9 suggests that you entered this plane with an abundance of dramatic feelings coupled with a strong sense of compassion and generosity. Even the very average of those with life path 9 possess extremely compassionate tendencies.
Usually this number produces an individual that is very trustworthy and honorable, and one unlikely to harbor any sort of prejudice.

Material gains are not overly important, although the quality of some life path 9 people is such that they are materially rewarded in very significant ways. The rare 9 life path has a totally selfless attitude, giving up of material possessions for the common good.
The 9 Life Path indicates you have a commanding presence. You have the ability to make friends very easily, as people are attracted to your magnetic, open personality. You meet people easily and are quickly befriended because of your openness and amiable demeanor. Your genial ways often put you in the lead in whatever field of endeavor you pursue.
Relationships can be difficult for you because it is hard to strike a balance that will work effectively. If your partner is one sharing your giving attitudes, the relationship will be happy and lasting. On the other hand, if you choose a partner whose focus is on material issues, problems will arise quickly.
You tend to be quite sensitive, as you see the world with much feeling. The number 9's very deep understanding of life is sometimes manifested in the artistic and literary fields. If drama and acting is not your forte, it will surely be an area of great interest and potential. Likewise, you may be able to express your deep emotional feelings through painting, writing, music, or other art forms.
The purpose of life for those with a 9 life path is often of a philosophical nature. Judges, spiritual leaders, healers and educators frequently have much 9 energy.

Above the Mountains, My Peace of Mind Awaits...

In the midst of all the tears, a faint hope emerges through the darkness…
It was the warmth of your eyes whipping away all my sadness…
For a moment there, I stood in silence, couldn't believe you were real…
Wasn't able to recognize my emotions or the way that I feel…
You opened up my eyes to a different world, one that could only be built by you…
You drew a smile on my face, a smile that almost hurt because it was late yet true…
Yet, when I'm alone at night, I think of myself alone again, coping with more pain…
Waiting for so long to find you yet afraid of the loss I will bear after this massive gain!
Continuously and savagely, life has tossed me around here and there…
Till I found myself thinking: I will never find anyone who will really care…
And here I am, happy and scared to lose it all in a turn of a page…
I can't help but wonder how when the end comes, I will cope with that rage!
Oh Lord, dear skies, stars and moon, have mercy on my soul this time…
Don't build up soaring mountains ahead me, too high for me to climb!

More Questions...

What is right? What is wrong? What is true and what is fake?
Do you let go? Or should hold on so tight till you both break?
When should you say: I love you and I truly care?
When is breaking up and moving on really fair?
How do you know that this is the one for you?
How can you stop yourself over a dead love being blue?
Why is it so hard to say goodbye?
Why do we always have to cry?
When will there be time for bliss to fill up our eyes?
When will our screams end? When will we quit the sighs?

Paradoxical Issues!

Last night, while being submerged in extreme bliss, it occurred to me…
The scarcity of pure joy, the irony of life and the cruelty of destiny…
Nothing in this world is complete; nothing is perfect or whole…
Pain, agony and despair seem to always want to play their role…
Whenever you feel that you defeated pain with a new friend or love…
A new challenge or misery is born from somewhere up above…
Religion, origins or even money can be a reason for loss…
And sooner or later, this true emotion you need to simply toss!
It is plainly paradoxical and yet painful to a large extreme…
How simply you have to give up each hope you had and every dream…
As days go by, you lose faith in all that matters; you lose your soul…
With every breath you take you lose touch with reality, you lose control…

Dedication...

As I rest in the corner, I observe the world passing me by…

I am reminded of those peaceful days that faded away with a blink of an eye…

I charge through the doors of my mind, rummaging around for happy memories to embrace… While tears of fear and confusion disturb my every thought and scurry down my face…

Missing your serenity, your passion, your smile and affectionate embrace…

Remembering the beauty of your soul, the glimmer in your eyes and your grace…

Although you are here next to me, your pain makes you so distant and so far…

And I sit there just marveling what you might be thinking of, and were you are…

What I feel right now is too much for me to endure…

Because my love for you is so deep and the way I care for you is so pure…

Your sorrow penetrates my existence, and leaves me there so numb and cold…

Your eyes are so tired and you soul, the aching, can barely hold…

Modelling at the Marriot

Rain Scribbles

I hear a knock on my window and I look to find the scribbles of the rain…
It seems to me so harmless, washing away the grime, leaving no stain…
I run outside to feel its blessing wash away my fears and cries…
I opt for it to cleanse my soul and steal the tears from my eyes…
It is cold outside yet inside of me still your fire burns…
It is cold outside yet within me the love for you still yearns…
I glance ahead in the distance and I can still your face…
I can still feel your warmth, the tenderness in your words and embrace…
The rain is here again, joy to the grounds that suffered from thirst…
Jolly are the flowers and the trees that last winter it nursed…
It is cold outside yet inside of me still your fire burns…
It is cold outside yet within me the love for you still yearns…
My inner child whispers: I'm scared, insecure and alone…
As we both hear the winds in near the front door scream and moan…
The secret of nature is revealed yet again to me…
For one soul to be captured, another one has to be free…

Dreaming Time...

Dreaming time is over now, how cruel her reality seems…
Faded hopes, lost wishes and many deceased dreams…
Despair fills her bones; she could feel it up to her head!
And she is swathed with ever-petrified fear and dread…
She allows in her bosom a picture of him to awake…
Yet observe him and their memories burn, wiggle and shake…
Dreaming time is over now, how warm his red cheeks blazed…
His tender hands covering his lips' goodbye as she, in awe, gazed…
The end looms in the air, deliberate and slow…
As he slowly drifts away and she watches him go…

The Twists of Fate!

To my mind, believing in the power of fate is sacred and comforting... I have always thought that "what is meant to be will happen, no matter what"... In the book I'm currently writing, it shows how I strongly believed in that and fought so hard for it... And how, day by day, week by week, month by month, this faith in fate began to fade!
Fate can be, and is, twisted by the actions we do, the words we say, the people we meet, those we decide to stop talking to... It can be affected by a song we hear, a movie we watch or even a beautiful picture we see...
I am humbled by the powers of humans to change their fate... I am humbled by their efforts to manipulate their paths... I am shocked by the ability of these small events and their effect on the way our road in life turns and changes...
I do know now that maybe sitting on the side and watching life go by might actually bring me closer to what I desire... But also, I know that maybe, just maybe, when I get what I desire it just would not be what I truly need!
"Kind of confusing huh! :)"

Capturing Moments!

After a long pause of silence, he turned to me, smiled then said:

"I wish we had a camera that caught moments on film. You know, one that would capture the feelings accompanied with each moment so we can rewind and play them back whenever we please or at least, whenver we need..."

With a deep breath and a hidden weakness, I replied saying:

" I really wish there was such a thing, I guess all humans wish they could have such a device.. Knowing for a fact that moments, especially those which are so beautiful and sacred, do not happen twice in life, never the same..."

Now, a day has passed and I've been thinking seriously about his words... What if we can have that device?? Would it be as beutiful as we thought it would be? Isn't there a chance that we might lose other precious moments while replaying those moments? Would it really be such a great idea?

I really don't know... What do you think?

A Dear Friend's Definition of Me!

We are not what we eat. Well, physically, we are little (if anything) more than what we eat. But who we are, as individual thinking entities, has nothing to do with what we eat. If we were to break down our “being” in a manner similar to the one that ends with the conclusion that we are what we eat, then the counterpart of that statement regarding the other side of “us”, the mental one, would be “we are our experiences”. Of course some of what is “us” can be credited to our conceivers, since instinct and a whole bunch of primal emotions cannot be contributed to experience, but rather to a hereditary pass-down. But that is like saying we are not exactly what we eat because nine months before we were born we never did eat, in a sense that these instincts form a part of our beings that was passed on but is only a basis on which more complex though is built.

It is sometimes interesting to personally try to trace back a thought we had, or a reaction to a certain situation, and see where that idea or reaction came from. What we sometimes mistake for intelligence or cunning is only a result of experience telling us how to act, but more importantly, our personalities, that which make us unique, is the sum of our experiences. Those experiences are perhaps affected by one’s intelligence, or one’s physical attributes, but the net-result is always the same, these experiences form one’s personality.

When someone impresses me, when someone catches my mind’s eye and challenges me, when someone is so sweet and caring that she shifts my perceptions and expectations, you know that there is someone who is truly exceptional. Exceptional. I was bitching to a friend of mine once about how I can’t get over a relationship I was in, even a few months after we broke up. She said that it was the exceptional people you were bound to remember for good. Exceptional. An interesting word in itself, a notch over great or amazing, not quite unique, but rather exceptional. See, it’s like there is a general rule, and that person broke the rule and became an exception. Exceptional. You, my friend, are exceptional. You break all the clichés and norms and “rules”. You go beyond normal expectations, beyond my “high” expectations, and simply strike me as exceptional: an exception to the rule that there are no interesting girls out there.

You are so ahead of everyone else in so many ways that it’s hard to believe that someone like that exists out there. If you’ve ever noticed how I just look at you sometimes, or listen to you talk for a long time and say nothing, is because I admire you. You have no idea how close you feel to me, like a friend I’ve lost a long time ago but whose familiarity I never lost. You are a good person. You are an honest person. You are a simple person. You are a smart person. For all that, you are an exceptional person, a person I am lucky enough to call my friend, and by whom I am blessed enough to be thought of as someone more than a friend. A great exceptional person, who is his experiences. You have been through so much, been through so many things, experiences that humble the greatest of people, and for that you are unique. But for that, you carry along those memories; those memories that help you live your life.

You are your experiences, and as painful some of those be, you are who you are because of each and every one of them. Your first love, your first heart-break, your first betrayal, your first slap, your first true friend, your first job, your first cigarette, this is who you are. This is who I am; this is who we are all. I am thankful for all those experiences because they present me with Beirut, the fair, wonderful and exceptional.

Feelings...

It may be difficult to describe the bundle of emotions one feels at one point…
People seem to confuse many feelings they often experience… This misinterpretation might cause harm and pain to others…
Love could be easily confused with liking someone… Passion could be simply puzzled with lust… And so on…
Who of us can really define what we feel? Who can put in words what they sense truly? I honestly believe that due to the fact that we are emotional beings, we never seem to get it right! We lose ourselves in the moment, we lose ourselves in what we are experiencing, and we are defeated by the magic of the moment…
Infatuation, admiration, respect and care, are they bi-products of love? Or are they just mere components of it? We can never know!
What is love? In the dictionary, it is a term defined as: adoration, affection, caring for, being keen on etc… But what does that mean?
You can love a pet so much then be able to endure losing it then maybe buy another one!
So, does that mean love is finite? It has time lines? Deadlines? Boarders?
How do you prove your love? How do you sacrifice? When do you stop giving? When do you begin letting go?
Life has taught me to ask and wonder… Feelings showed me the meaning of pain… Loss forced my tears to slip away from me…
No advice will ever “lead” your way…
No guidance will ever “protect” you from being hurt…
No friend will ever “take on” your grief…
You are alone in this world… No shoulder to lean on… No shield from the rain of the desire to be secure… You are alone in this world…
Friends come and go… Lovers go in and out of love… That’s the way it is… Over and over again…

Another Piece of Writing from the Past...

Dealing with people could be frustrating sometimes… The constant struggle to reach a middle point could become a load…
The need of belonging could be frightening sometimes… The constant search for a home could become an obsession…
The fear of loneliness could be destructive sometimes… The constant search for a warm cuddle could become an everlasting suffering…
Why do we compromise? Why do we put an effort in reaching middle grounds? Why do we constantly lose ourselves in a battle where we are bound to be beaten?
A thought just crossed my mind: why do we always want what is not ours? Why do we always fight for those things and those people who don’t deserve us and won’t ever fight back for us?
Why do we run after those who truly hurt us and leave behind those who care about us the most?
Whatever we do, we end up being unhappy, we suffer, we cry, we lose hope and faith in people and ourselves eventually…
Life is a rough road leading to nowhere. Love is an illusion leading to misery… Lust is an instinct leading to regret…
The need for attention, affection and love is a knife that cuts deep into our existence…
The desire to be with someone is a poison that runs within our veins…
I wish to be free… Free from all emotions, feelings, hopes and dreams… I wish to be inhuman, to be unable to feel love, hate, happiness, sadness, need, want, desire, lust; all possible contradicting feelings…
Being strong is so hard to do unless you just learn not to feel… And unless you are strong, you will be trampled upon with every breath you take…
Life is unfair… It is a play where luck takes part in as the major character…
Love is unfair… It is a game where loss is inevitable…

Demonstration of Misery...

This is a part of a four page writing I just found on my laptop! I wrote this about half a year ago and just as I was reading it now, I admired it! I chose this part to share with you...

"Big love causes big fires,

fires that are still dangerous till their last breath,

last smoke flicker…
Love is an addiction…

A deadly one if I may add…

It is like being addicted to booze, cigarettes or even drugs…

Some of it will do you good while lots of it will kill you!"

Stereotyping!

Moments, no matter how painful or beautiful they were, never can be cloned...
No two moments are exactly the same despite their similarity...
This applies to both people and feelings...
There exists no two people, males or females, who are the same; photocopies of each other...
The uniqueness built in each person reveals the difference...
Love, happiness, sadness, regret, feeling alone, all these and more, also vary in intensity...
Therefore, stereotyping is wrong and should be eliminated with reference to those, for it equates the individuality and uniqueness in experiences though they are certainly "unequatable"!

الفرحة الموقوتة

أجلس هنا أنا و مخاوفي و أفراحي و أحزاني و قهوتي و

أفكر: بتلك الابتسامة التي أضاءت عتمة ليلي

و ذاك الحنين الصادق الذي أحسسته بدفء عينيه
و هاتين اليدين اللتين لعبتا بخصال شعري
أفكر بالبراءة الطفولية التي أسمعها كلما ضحك أو قهقه
ثم و بقسوة، تهاجمني كلماته الحائرة و المحيرة
و أجد نفسي، مرة ثانية، ضائعة
يغمرني خوف من القادم البعيد
فتسلب مني بسمتي
و ترجع عتمة ليلي لتطاردني من جديد

My Addictions...

I realized something today: I am addicted to disorder...
Addicted to the chaos of the senses with no limit or boarder...
Addicted to warm tears swinging down my cheeks all the way to my neck..
Addicted to a contagious smiles, to deep and sincere eyes which may cause my wreck!
Addicted to the night and its silence and soft and gentle whispers to me...
To the tender breeze that touches my face and fills my essence with glee..
Addicted to giving and providing love, comfort and care...
Fighting through this and trying hard for my fears to bare...
Addicted to sunshine and the warmth to my core it conveys...
Addicted to music and its different meanings in many ways...

Good night fears, doubts and confusion... Tomorrow we might meet again...
Good night Oh stars hidden by the gloomy clouds, carrying so much tears as rain...

Created by My Bestfriend! :)

Why Women Are So Special...

Have you ever thought of women? I mean how special and sacred they are?

Well, if you are a female, or even a male who sees his mother and sister struggle in their everyday life, you should know how precious women are...

My mom, my boss and many other women I know inspire me...

A women like that works hard all day long, she makes sure her home is cozy and clean and still remains to have so much love in her heart to remember to make a sandwich for her husband so he could take his medication and yet more love to make her children feel loved...

She goes through nine months of pregnancy and through the pains of giving birth yet still tries to work hard and look good...

She spends her life trying hard to make life easier for everyone she cares for and still has time to go to the salon, fix her hair, do her nails and buy some clothes...

And in those days when work is hectic, she always remembers her family, she remembers them with guilt and pain... And though she might not have the time to call them, she thinks about them all day long....

There is so much more I can say about those women... But I will end this by saying: "Women are so special and they deserve to feel loved and appreciated..."

To all the great women in my life: Thank you for being an anchor in my life from every aspect...

Meaw!

On a calm Saturday morning, all I can hear is our two cats fighting!
Each struggling to show the other that "it's the man of the house"!
They are so adorable, I really love them both. And I love every cat I've ever met and the ones I haven't yet seen!
Since I was young, I've always found cats' company very calming!
They always can make me laugh when I'm feeling down!
Especially the cute and fluffy ones that are always jumping around!
Making very funny noises and sometimes making no sound!
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my cat liking my hair!
It was so funny and strange, I mean what was he thinking? How did he dare? :)
This piece of writing is dedicated to all the cats God created!
The ones with blue, green, bown or yellow eyes...
The black ones, white ones, and the dirty ones on the streets...
The skinny ones and the fat ones too...
And the ones that have funny faces that make them seem blue!