Contemplations.... (An Old Piece of Writing)

Let us contemplate together for a moment…

It is true that this world we live in, not by choice, is a cruel world; a crazy jungle!
It is full of deaths, suffering, poverty, despair and disappointments… It is a world where people die for no reason, suffer for no cause and feel pain with no limits…

I wish…

I wish I was a bird or a butterfly, just to fly away…

Fly higher that the pain and suffering…

I want to be able to travel between countries and cities, over houses and trees while watching them all from above…

I want to admire the beauty of nature from atop….

I want to ponder over the seas without the risk of being poisoned with their pollution!

I want to reflect on people without the risk of being hurt by them…

I want to be free of my fears and tears…

…. Drip, drip, drip… The sound of the rain hammering in the background of my sanity…
Or is it the echo of my grief falling into my soul!!!

Thoughts of A Broken Heart...

The only “funny” thing about life is that it lacks humor at all!
I look around and don’t see you there, no one left to catch my fall…
I remember all your words, your promises – or should I call them lies?
I lay awake on our memories ad I breathe out tears and cries!
Why did you have to be just like “every other guy”?
Why was it so easy for you to hear me say goodbye?
Although I miss you, I won’t be there if you ever decide to come back or call…
I will bare the pain, lock it up inside, even if it made me crawl!
I hope this is what you really wanted because there is no turning back…
How could I trust you when your emotions are dead, when the essence of love you lack?

A Glance in My Past...

I lost my feelings’ virginity the moment I fell so deeply in love with you…
My heart still yearns to be with you and I’m aching in a way I never before knew…
The biggest flaws you have I still miss and even adore…
With every day that passes, I just want you back even more…
I’m a victim of my own emotions and in memories of you I always drown…
And in my love for you I’ve played the fool, the stupid, the clown!
I keep thinking of ways to turn your heart back to me once again…
Maybe somehow that can take away some of my burning pain…
You once were the only reason for every breath I take…
You were my strength to hold on, the guide for every step I make…

Losing Faith Plat De Jour!

Let me introduce you to a new recipe, one which I'd like to call "Losing Faith Plat De Jour"!

Ingredients:

2 grams of hope
3 grams of smiles
1/2 a glass of content
1 drop of satisfaction
6 spoons of dreams
1/2 a kilo of disappointment
1/2 a kilo of being misunderstood
1/2 a kilo of being ill-treated

Preparation Steps:

1. Mix the hope with the smiles and stir. (You will need a fragile bowl, preferably crystal, so the loss will be exaggerated!)
2. Now add the 1/2 glass of content and mix well.
3. Slowly and carefully, add the dreams to the mix you already have and then add the drop of satisfaction.
4. Now you have a perfect day where you actually feel happy and look forward to the rest of your day.
5. Now, without waiting so much longer (the more hopes you have for a "perfect" day, the more pain you will feel when you lose it!), add the disappointment, being misunderstood and being ill-treated.

Cooking Requirements:

Bake in your mind and dwell over it for a few minutes.

Voila! Now you have the perfect "Losing Faith" recipe!

Enjoy!

* Please note: This plate is meant for only one serving yet it might feed many of those around you as well!

أحب المستحيل و أنتظره بفارغ الأمل و الحرمان
فلا أنا أحببت السهل يوما و لا كان لي هو بحسبان
أعشق الدمع الذي يذرف من قلبي بعد يوم مليء بالخيبات
فلا دمعي يبخل و لا الخيبة تبعد عني المسافات
أحيا لأرى مقدرتي على تحمل الصعاب و الآلام
فلا الصعاب تهون و لا أجد حدا لمقدرتي رغم الأيام

سئلت

سئلت عن الحنين و ما عرفت له بمكان
سئلت عن الصدق فأجبت: إن الصدق ليس موجودا في هذا الزمان
سئلت عن الذي كان و عن قصتي أنا كانسان
فكان ردي: حرمت من وطن أحيا فيه بأمان
سلبت مني طفولة فيه تغمرني بالفرحة و الأحزان
فلا أنا أملك ذكرياته ولا شاطرته الألحان
و لا لعبت في أحضانه ولا اغتسلت بترابه أجمل الألوان
و لا هو يعرف اسمي و لا مني شعر بالحنان
و لا يعلم أن الدنيا إذا هانت، حبي له و الله ما هان

The Five People You Meet in Heaven or HELL!!!

Well, some time ago, actually, a long time back, someone started reading this book to me: "The Five People You Meet in Heaven"…

This book was mainly about how our actions, whether directly or indirectly, effect those around us, in one way or another. It revolved around the idea that everything in this life is interlinked and how everything we do or don't do, say or don't say, affects someone else's life and not necessarily someone we met or might ever meet for that matter!

For years now, I was so interested in finishing that book to see what the end was going to be like… Finally, I lost interest!

A few days ago, I heard that a new book was published after that one, called: "The Five People You Meet in Hell"!!! Ironic, isn't it!

This world, this life, our existence, it is based on mere irony! Fake moments of happiness, few hints of temporary satisfaction, tiny specs of unjustified hopes and many splintered dreams…

In fact, it is true that everything we do does and will definitely affect someone else's life… This effect maybe positive or negative, but it is essentially existent and truly valid!

Think about this: everyone in this world will pay, at one point or another, for someone else's mistakes! There is no getting out of it or escaping from it!

On the political level: we, the citizens of any country we reside in, pay for our government's mistakes…

On the social level: we, as daughters or sons, pay for our parents' or other relatives' mistakes… Whether it be the mistake of our parents' wrong choice of a partner or a relative's stupid behavior which will inflict irreparable harm to our being…

On the work level: we, as employees, pay for our boss's mistakes! Or we just pay for the mistakes any employees before us had committed!

On the emotional level: someone, who will come after the damage is done and our souls no longer exist, and will pay for the mistakes those before him/her had made and caused us to be the "cruel, insensitive, careless wrecks" we have become!

On the friendship level: we, as friends, pay for the negligence of other friends and the hard times our friends go through due to all of the aforementioned levels!

All I wonder about right now is this: where do we meet all these people at the end: in heaven or in hell? Isn't it harsh to condemn someone to a crime that might have been a reaction to another crime? Maybe all those who harmed us have been mere victims of someone else's mistakes along this long and dreadful road called life!!!!

The Point of No Return...

Have you ever reached to an end of a road, where there wasn’t any way to turn back, except by using your reverse?
Well, I have not with a car but with my life, where there is no reverse!!!
I lost all the true feelings I had towards anything in my life, anything that surrounds me…
I lost all hopes and dreams of finding my rainbow…
I became stateless, hopeless and emotionless…
I reached a point of no return and no going ahead…
Nothing matters and nothing is dear…
Nothing counts and nothing is important…
I spent so many days and nights just going around my pain in circles…
And now, it is there, trapped with me at the end of the road…
It is there haunting me, screaming my name, teasing me…
Accepting things the way they are is the only manner I can follow in order to keep my sanity…
Giving up on any positive anticipations is the only route to my peace of mind…
This is it… This is really it…

I Reminisce...

I reminisce those days when dreams used to be my escape from this reality…
I reminisce those times my heart used to be whole and how it ran wild and free…
I reminisce the time when I used to love with all I had and give so sincerely…
I reminisce the way I used to be proud in being me!
I reminisce the long walks we used to have through the endless road of hope…
I reminisce our drives and our talks and how with pain we used to cope…
I reminisce the will we had to fight the world for what we believe in…
I reminisce how we stood strong against all odds and how it felt to win…

Now I look back at those times and I wish I could go back to the way it was and used to be…
As it gets farther away, more and more sadness floods over me…

Beginning the Year: Beirut

First of all, I wish you all a more relaxing and less troublesome new year!

Now, let me dig in to the main subject of today…

Date: Friday, January 05, 2007

Location: Hamra, Beirut (my old office)

I have so many things I want to talk about but somehow I am unable to prioritize them in useful and meaningful phrases!

Being here once again, being in the capital which carries the same name as I do, walking down its streets, breathing in its fresh yet humid winds, seeing all the familiar faces, hearing its casual yet somehow comforting noises… It takes me back to those days… The days when everything was so calm in its own way… Those days when I was sad yet was able to carry a sincere smile everywhere I go… Back when being extremely happy was achieved by a small drive down by the sea shore or just by walking to and from university, watching the world pass by so quickly yet so peacefully…

It is raining outside… I just got inside and I’m all wet… I feel that I am getting really sick but I still can maintain a beam on my face… I feel at ease with everything around me… I feel like I am at home; right where I am supposed to be…

I sometimes wish I could lose life at moments like these just to maintain this state of soul I am experiencing… I wish I would just part with life on such occasions when holding on to beautiful moments would be eternal…

I am Beebee’s torn and healing heart… I am my own soul’s reflection… I am a lost mind wandering around in this beautiful capital… Beirut.

Look at all these people around me… I am blessed… I am cursed… I am, once again, confused…

Deep inside I know that I can never be as happy as I am right now which, in a twisted kind of way, makes me the saddest I can ever be! You see, what you can’t have is always more attractive, it is even sexier! What you can’t have is always what you want and even what you need! The impossible is the maximum satisfaction as long as it remains impossible… And so on…

Beirut: the capital… I love you… I love you more and more each day… I love how similar you are to me… I love your contradictions, your mood swings, your ups and downs… I love the sadness you carry within your rains and the happiness your sunshine brings… I love how your sea is calm sometimes and at other times how crazy its waves can be… I love the people who live in you… The people who live around you… Even those who hurt you…

I think I will end this long piece of writing now… With all my love and sincere loyalty…

Wishing everyone out there, Muslims and non-Muslims, yet another year of more and more giving, caring and most importantly understanding....

Love... Is It Evil??

Many people live all their lives waiting to feel love… Lingering aside the long rough and winding roads of time to experience the serenity that love brings… Anticipating the positive change in their daily routine that love will create…

What many of these people do not know that once they have experienced this wholly and sacred emotion, if they ever do, they will bear the greatest pain of all during it and at the time when they lose it…

During this passionate lifetime, people are blinded by the truth, they might be lied to or hurt in one way or another, yet they keep holding on… They feel threatened of losing it every second of every day…

Then, after this love is lost, people are not the same… They simply become shattered pieces of their previous selves… They might lose their pride and self respect trying to regain this love, and then, they will even become a bigger mess!! This jumble is irremediable and neither time nor new experiences can turn people back to who they were…

Lately, I began to gain faith in a new concept: the wickedness of love!

I pray, to God and his angels, that this is just a passing phase…

The Power of Words...

Recently, I’ve been seriously pondering the power of words… The words we hear in a movie, the lyrics of a song, the words said on the news or on radio shows, the words people say to us, or about us, and the words we say in response…

It strikes me as kind of “paradoxical” how much power words have on us… We, who are supposed to be rational, thinking and even smart beings, how easily we are moved by words…, how easily our hearts can be broken by a few words and yet how simply they can be mended by a word or two…

It is also confusing how words make you trust people and words, too, make you lose faith in people and lose trust in everything around you…

Words also can be a reason for some to fall in or out of love…For others to gain or lose a friend… For many to win or lose a job, a deal, or even respect…

Nothing, in my opinion, is stronger that words… They are the key to every little jigsaw puzzle we face through our daily lives… They are the ultimate weapon that people can use…

Remember this: “Sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me!”

Who are we kidding? Ourselves? I mean words are the definitive tool of mass destruction of the soul and mind… Why? Because their effect stays so long after they are spelt out and heard… It stays deep in our memories and thoughts, retrieved at the utmost time of pain and forgotten through our days’ continuous hardships…

Wishing each and every person I care about, the best times, the peace of mind, joy of soul and the gift of true love...

The Sarcasm of Life!

Sometimes life hits you hard...

It crashes you and breaks you down...

It shatters your soul and damages the things you cherish the most...

Then, someone comes along, gives you hope for a better day, for a new beginning, for a sincere smile…

But, does it all end there? Of course not…. You are faced with so many facts that you have to live with:

1. There is no extreme happiness (utopian kind of joy).
2. There is nothing perfect, or even close to that!
3. You can never have all that you want or even most of it.
4. Friends do come and go.
5. Life is too short.
6. Love is a joke - an overrated, unrealistic and overused non-existing concept!

Untitled...

Finally, it rained in Amman! It even snowed!
The earth can finally clench its long going thirst...
The trees and grass can finally rid themselves of the mounted up dust and dirt...
I love the snow, the purity its whiteness brings…
How it can usually wipe away the darkness of the soul…
I love the touch of it, the peace its texture gives birth to…
How it elegantly falls downs from the sky and dresses the ground…

This time, something is different… I wish I knew what… I wish I knew why… I wish I had more answers to my many known and unknown questions…

Lately, I just lose myself in anything… In music, writing (unpublished), thoughts, I even lose myself in myself if that makes any sense…

To be continued….

Contemplations of the Day!

After a long day full of different activities and crazy events, I retire to my room once again…
I sit there; staring aimlessly around me, wondering what can I do without driving myself insane!
To think of the past will bring no peace, neither will thinking about the days ahead…
Should I just waste more time or should I write how I feel instead?

Finally, as you can see, I decide to write… I decide to set my spirit free, and allow myself to wonder into the short-term memories of the day…

Earlier today, a 70 years old lady talked to me about the value of time…
I could hear in her tone how she feels that wasting time is a crime!
I am reminded now of every word her pure voice spelt to me…
The wisdom in her eyes and the pride that I want in me to be…
We spoke of mother earth, planet Gaia, and how angry it is at man…
Of the revenge it may one day bring upon its inhabitants, and that it can….
We discussed the similarity of human beings to the animals running wild…
With every story she told, I looked deeper into my soul and smiled…
And as we talked, I lost track of pain and in nature I flew!
Peace of mind washed over me and at that moment I knew:

There are much larger things in this life than you and I….
There is more suffering and pain that may never die!
No matter how unlucky we feel, our blessing we should always count…
And be sure that if we think of our troubles all the time, they will mount!
Feeding the soul is the best gift we have and will ever truly need…
It needs no money and brings so much worth in our lives indeed…

Never Ending Desolation!

As if to announce the ongoing misery, I hear screaming outside my room…
I hear breaking, shrieking, destruction and a boom!
I leave the haven which I burry myself in to avoid uncalled for fights…
Where I just sit and write with no hopes, no dreams and no lights!
Yet another reason to argue, another blame and another guilt…
One more reason for my faith to wither and wilt!
Frustration leads you to do things that time may reveal were simply wrong!
Your sanity may trick you for the cruel past you may long…
Trying so hard to be everything you want and can be…
Struggling from your pains and fears to be free…

I Wonder...

Do eyes really reveal the sorrow in the heart?
Does the pain of separation heal after being apart?
Does the sky rain in agony and tears?
Will I get over my hidden and great fears?
Do the spring's flowers for lovers bloom?
Does the cloud realize its bitterness and gloom?
Do the trees sway to welcome the breeze?
Do the lakes, in anger, become cold and freeze?
Does the night know the loneliness it carries?
Will one day come when we have no worries?
Does true love only exist in Shakespeare's books?
Do people fall in love based on charm and looks?
Can happiness be truly looked for and found?
Are all people walking equally on this ground?
Do we learn from our wrongs and mistakes?
Why with every thought of the past your soul shakes?
When do you know his/her words are really true?
Who is the "one" that God has created for you?