The ONLY thing I feel like doing right now is SCREAMING!!!!!

A Midnight Thought...

According to Thomas Merton, US religious author, clergyman & monk:
"The truth that many people never understand, until it is too late, is that the more you try to avoid suffering the more you suffer because smaller and more insignificant things begin to torture you in proportion to your fear of being hurt."

This quote will seem a bit complicated and relatively confusing when you read it for the first time. I must admit that I didn't really relate to it in any way the first time I finished reading it. Then, it made sense to me! It is simply so similar to the main reason for my blog and my "pessimistic" and rather "unpleasant" posts!

In a way, I do realize that suffering, in any form, is inevitable! I know though that the level and deepness of suffering varies from one person to another and from one situation to the other.

Therefore, and indirectly, my blog is a proof of the value of this quote. If you have been hurt and do expect to get hurt again then you do not waste your time fearing that moment to come, you sway along this life carefully yet with more "guts"!

Does this make any sense to you?

أقر و أعترف بالحب الكبير و المستحيل الذي أكنّه له في قلبي و في كياني
و أشهد أن ذاك الحب و مثله من قبل فد كان سببا لهواني
أقترب منه و أشعر بنار تحرقني و بإعصار يمحو أحلامي
أبتعد عنه و أحسّ بحسرة تلوي و تأسر وجداني
أعلم أنه لن يجد أخرى تكن له ذاك الحب و تلك الأحاسيس
و أعلم أيضا أنه لن يجد مثل دفء حضني و لا مثلي لليله ونيس
كلما جلست أمامه أتصفّح عينيه بحزن و بألم
و أخاف على أيامي من بعده, أخاف من الحيرة و الندم
أتساءل أحيانا: هل الحب سوى مسّ من الجنون؟
ذاك الذي من أجله نرضى لكل شيء أن يهون

لعلّها كانت تعلم بل تيقن أن الحب هو خلاصها الوحيد و عذابها الأكبر
بل و أيضا كانت تستدرك واقع و حقيقة نهايتها هي إذا انتهى ذاك الحب
كانت فعلا و حقا تلّم بموازين الحياة غير المتساوية
كانت أيضا تعلم أنه ليس كل من زرع خيرا حصد مقداره من الخير
و بينما كانت ترتشف قهوتها الصباحية و تلاعب أفكارها الجنونية
أيقنت أيضا أنها لم و لن تمضي مرحا في حبّها العظيم
فقط و لمجرد أن الدنيا لم تكّف عن اللعب لعبة الكلمات المتقاطعة معها بعد

Some Words About "Him"...

He was, simply, "one of the most beautiful people she had ever met, from both the inside and the outside"…
He wasn't the greatest man alive yet he had qualities that no other men had…
He spoke words of true honesty and walked tall with pride yet no ego…
He filled her days with smiles though he caused her mind to grieve…
He knew how to manipulate her in ways she had never known but she didn't mind…
He was, by far, the biggest mystery of her life, the best thing that ever happened to her, and the worst thing she could ever lose…
He understood her, more importantly; he understood himself and the world outside…
He was not perfect in any way yet all his imperfections turned him into this irresistible and somehow alarming personality…
He was a man, in every sense that that word can carry…
He had so much on his mind and always so much to do that sometimes she felt left behind yet when he was there, his presence filled her soul with a kind of joy she has never experienced before…
In a matter of months, he was able to place himself deep inside her heart so firmly that everything he did or might have done, seemed to fade away in the moment their eyes met…
His strength made her stronger, his ambitions challenged her, his smile melted years of sorrow the years have built…
He was unlike everyone she knew or anyone she could ever meet…
He was, simply, "one of the most beautiful people she had ever met, from both the inside and the outside"…

Things We Take for Granted...

A couple of hours ago, as I sat on the dinner table, in that cozy home, with that caring and loving family, a new subject was opened: Deafness and blindness, which is harder and why?

As I sat there, I sank into my thoughts and contemplations, wondering, if I was forced to choose between the two, which choice would I make?

My mind got so worked up, my soul stressed too…

I mean if I was deaf, what would I be deprived of?
How come we don't seem to appreciate the sense of hearing until we really think about things like that?
Why do we always take what we have for granted and forget to count our blessings?

I know that no matter how much I write about this, I won't ever be able to describe it well but I can only imagine this and this alone is too much for me to handle!

If I was deaf:
I wouldn't be able to hear the sound of the birds singing on a warm Sunday morning as I get ready to go to work…
I wouldn't be able to listen to the sound of the waves slowly moving towards the shore…
I wouldn't be able to hear and enjoy the music, any type or genre of music and hum or sing along…
As a child, I would be deprived of my mom's voice singing to me so I could fall asleep…
I would be deprived of hearing the voices of people who are sitting next to me in the same room…
I would be denied the right to watch any movie or series without having to read the subtitles…
I would be denied the right to hear the phone ring, receive or make a phone call…
I wouldn't be able to hear my boyfriend sing to me in order to cheer me up!

In other words, I would be robbed any audio connection with the world around me, deprived from many important feelings and sensations that come as part of hearing…

If I was blind:
As an infant, I wouldn't be able to see mom's face smiling at me with pride and joy…
I wouldn't be able to watch the sunrise or sunset, watch the birds fly, the sea sway, or the trees dance…
I would be deprived of knowing how my family members, relatives and friends look…
I would be deprived of walking alone in the street, watching the cars, the people and nature from around me…
I would be denied the right to use a computer, watch TV or even read a sign or a poster…
I would be denied to see the clothes I'm wearing, the things in my own room, and the color of my own bed sheets!

In other words, I would be living in constant darkness that will not fade away with a switch of a light or the beginning of a new day…

Lesson learnt:

I truly think that we should be grateful for the little things we never think of and take for granted because the loss of those could shatter our world and leave us so numb and broken inside…

Hugs? Anyone?

This post was inspired from a piece of writing a friend of mine posted on her facebook account… The main subject of her post was the importance of a hug! I will further talk about this and explain how important such a three letter word could be for millions of people all around the world, including myself!

A simple word could change our mood, an innocent smile is able to set our soul at ease, a hug can make us feel safe and fill our hearts with warmth once again…

What is a hug?

Even the dictionary recognizes the vitality of a hug through its definition of it:
A hug is an embrace; it is to squeeze (someone) tightly in your arms, usually with fondness.

As the encyclopedia states: a hug is "perhaps one of the oldest and most important forms of affection. Its roots can be traced to many thousands of years ago. It is not a feature peculiar to human beings alone as there are many species of animals, which engage in a similar exchange of warmth.
It's the exchange of warmth usually arising out of joy or happiness at meeting someone. It is practiced in almost all nations, countries, religions and sects.
A hug is also exchanged as a sign of support, comfort and love. It has powerful capabilities that can create lasting bonds of unquestionable strength."

Through generations, I believe that the hug, just like many things we do, was "passed on" to us in a way that never allowed us to think: Why do we hug our children when they are crying? Why do we hug our parents when we miss them? Why do we even hug our partners when we see them? Why do we hug our friends when they feel down?

As I see it, a hug is one of the rawest yet purest forms of affection. It is the fastest way to give and receive love, safety and support. What makes it really unique is that a hug may be one of the few ways that someone could give and receive love without any "sexual" reference.

Finally and after I have talked, and thoroughly, about his subject… Think about this:

When was the last time you hugged those who you love?
When was the last time you've been hugged?

Snowing in Amman...

Winter has decided to say its farewell with white and fluffy snow…
I look outside my window and watch the snow flakes fall and glow!
People are all inside their homes, covered with their blankets as they walk around…
Listening to the sound of the wind and watching the purity of the white snow touching the ground…
I can't describe how peaceful the snow makes me feel inside…
Yet some pain is far too deep for that beauty to take away or hide…
Those who were far seem to get farther and farther away…
Yet, I grab my coat and rush outside in the snow to play!
The question lies deep within my soul and my every heart beat…
When will peacefulness find me just like the snow found Amman, its every house, its every street?

Sleepless in Amman! Once Again...

The other day I was reading something I previously wrote and posted on my blog, it was called "Sleepless in Amman".

It struck me how much pain and sadness I carried in each word, how much anger and regrets I had…

Now, today, I don't think anything changed. I think that I am exactly where I was then, carrying maybe even more pain and sadness and deeper anger and worse regrets!

It seems to me that lately, everything I am doing is turning out to be a "huge mistake":

I am not being the daughter I should be.
I can not be the sister my brother needs.
I am not able to be the good friend I was.
I can not be the girlfriend I want to be.

How come everything is so gloomy and blurred and there is no sign of hope in the horizon?

Why is it that no matter how hard I try to be the most I can be I am right where I have once started, at point zero?

How come it is always my fault and I am always the one to blame?

Here I am, once again, "Sleepless in Amman"…

Wondering: about the next step, the coming day, the next ray of light…
Thinking: about the right way to carry my heavy stride…
Hating: the fact that I feel helpless and so confused…
Wishing: that this cloud of misery will soon pass me by…
Fighting: for the last breath of happiness I have left in my scarred soul…

Spoken from Experience!

A few words of advice for my friends and readers… These are from personal experience so I am not trying to philosophical!

Advice: Do not ever lend money, especially to relatives and friends.
Reason: It is the best way to lose them for good!

Advice: Do not give your complete trust to anyone, even if you think they are trustworthy.
Reason: Circumstances change people and what you thought you know about them might change as well.

Advice: Do not allow people to take you for granted, even those who are closest to you.
Reason: When people take you for granted, it will be much easier for them to walk out on you because they do feel that you will hang around waiting for them!

Advice: Set your priorities in life and do not let anything or anyone interfere in them, for any reason whatsoever.
Reason: When your priorities are flexible, you will end up bending them until you break!

Advice: Do not allow anyone to make you feel bad about yourself and what you have been through.
Reason: We are after all results of those experiences; they shaped us to be who we are.

Spider Solitaire!

As I sat in front of my PC, thinking about my life while playing "Spider Solitaire", a thought just crossed my mind… What would you do if you had the chance to go back in time and do things differently?

Well, sadly enough, as I figured out from this "mediocre" game: Whenever I failed to finish the game, each time I chose "Restart this game", I failed again and again! I never got it right!

So, if I want apply the same to my life, if I had the chance to go back and change the past, would I do things in a different way? Will things turn out to my interest? I really don't think so!

People: Their Lies & Masks...

Before I start typing away my thoughts, I want everyone who reads this to excuse my "harsh" accusations and maybe "uncalled for" stereotyping and again stress on the reason for this blog: expressing how I feel and trying to find some point of common grounds with those who might feel slightly or greatly the same. Therefore, in advance, accept my apologies…

People are made up not of cells, flesh and bone; they are made up of lies! Lies which vary in severity, size, weight and volume! Lies which differ when they come out as spoken words!

The larger, heavier and more severe the lies are, the worse that person is! The smaller, lighter and less severe the lies are, the better the person turns out to be!

People spend their whole lives wearing masks! I will list 3 types below:

Animal masks: used by Africans to connect with the spirit of the world.
The shameful mask: to hide stupidity and ignorance.
The iron mask: used for torture.

As I believe, people nowadays mostly wear the "shameful" masks to hide not only their ignorance but their lack of feelings and their constant need to mock others and their feelings. Only a few hundreds use the iron mask as a way to torture themselves for the mistakes they or others made.

So, what am I getting to you might wonder?

According to me, people try so hard to hide who they really are from each other because they know; deep inside, that they are liars by default! Only those who reveal themselves to others find out that they are similar and therefore they can connect!

Why would I say that?

Well, this is the morale of two recent stories I've experienced recently (putting all other stories aside!): It is really easy for people to say words because words don't cost anything, they are free of charge! Yet, when it comes to actions, which supposedly speaks louder than words, people "chicken out", "back down", or accidentally remove their masks to reveal their REAL priorities!

Our World!

As I rummage through newspapers, new channels and I in silence I fall!
Our world feel like its crumbling down, we are all blinded and in thrall!
Innocents are killed every single day for no reason or rationale…
Ethics lost their way and people misplaced their morale!
Everyone cares for the one and only thing they believe in "themselves"!
They stack everything and everyone else, just like books, on old shelves!
The world lost its virtue and tears just keep running down but no one cares!
No more shouts for salvation, no more silent prayers!
This world has become a jungle where only the fierce can survive!
Tenderness, love and purity can no more hold on and for recognition strive!
The beauty of everything was stripped and all that's left is ugliness and sin!
A true smile was obligatorily replaced and substituted with a sharp grin!

So tell me something now, if the world outside has turned against us what can we fragile humans do?
How can we face what's to come, the bad, the evil and the sin? How can we pull through?


*Thrall: the state of being under the control of another person.

My Sun Is Gone!

My sun didn't stay around for long… It decided to walk out on me after one day!
I tried hard to keep faith in my heart, I tried to hold on to it, I begged it to stay!
Seems that my sun went to look for someone else to shine its warmth upon…
And just as it fled away my smiles, peace and cheerfulness were simply gone!
My sun must have felt the enormous pain that in my heart creeps and dwells…
It must have heart the shrieking of the haunting memories in my cells!
My sun must have tried to hold on but found out that it will be in vain!
Just because my world is so filled of sadness, tears and rain!
Can I blame my sun? Can I call it selfish and use bad names?
Can I ask it to stay around with me and bear my anger's flames?
What should I expect from my sun after all is said and done?
When the closest people to me just left me here undone!

Others People's Words That Apply to Me...

"These days, I feel so BLACK...I just hate it when I need someone so bad, from my experiences; I believe that staying alone in the corner is better than engaging with people who are wearing Masks...
I hate it when I need someone so much...but what I hate most, when I try to hold a hand and be rejected... it hurts...yet I can not shed a tear or speak about it...
I don't know why does it have to be this way, but I hate it when people who are very close to me do not understand me...and do the same mistakes they did to me although I cleared it...maybe it is just so much fun to torture me, isn't it?
Many things happened to me lately, most of them are tough and painful. Many of them remind me of the scary childhood memories I had...
I have not cried from a month or so! I mean, I cannot really cry from my heart...yes I may cry but it does not ease the pain I am feeling...I can not cry really bad like I used to anymore...I hate this...
It's like all the things that hurts me gathered together, and now they formed a HUGE mountain of pain and hurt that sets on my heart and weakens me slowly everyday...
I lost all my defenses..."

Never Fading Pain...

Do you think there is anything more painful than pain itself?

Well, I do:

I do believe that the only thing more painful than pain is not finding anyone who could "feel" your pain… Not being able to trust any person to share your pain with… Someone who will truly care, someone who will empathize and stand by your side no matter how bad the situation is… To hold your hand, to give you a shoulder to cry on, to be all ears when you feel that you need to talk, to offer help, support and advice when you are in need of it because your head is too messed up to think straight!

Pain, as well as pure moments of happiness, needs someone to be shared with or else the pain will take so much time to fade and the happiness will fade at once!

Think about it…

For Reasons Unexplained... (Lyrics)

Everything was going so well
I don't know what happened
A smashing sound and suddenly
I'm falling to the ground….

If I had just held on for once
If I had been more
Confident in myself
Maybe less afraid of everything
If you had not been painful for me
If you had been more honest with me
I might have made it….

Sorrow comes again
For reasons unexplained
I come to you
But I am not the same
You sense my fear
Tell me it's ok
A cross to bear
I pull to far away ….

All the world can see right through me
I feel shattered and paralyzed
Mistakes have been made that left me
Crashing through the ice
I feel so alone…

If I had just stood up for once
If I had walked right out the door and into
Something more than we could get
If you had only learned how to stop
If you had been more than you are
Then maybe we could have survived…

Without regrets
Without the same tired thing
I will release you
Like shooting stars
Of who we are
Of who we were then…

Bio-Art & Bio-Artists...

I have recently read this article which I found very remarkable… Here's a part of it… Enjoy…
"Bio-artists use live tissues, bacteria, living organisms and life processes to create works of art that blur the traditional distinctions between science and art. Most of these works tend toward social reflection, conveying political and societal criticism through the combination of artistic and scientific processes."

My Sun....

The sun shined on the 3rd of March, 2007….

This is the first time it makes an appearance on this day: My birthday…

I hope that it will bring to me all the warmth I need to go on….

I pray that this will be a new beginning….

I am grateful for being loved….

I am actually indebted for being alive…

For the first time in years, I feel pure serenity….

Thank you sun… Thank you all….

The Fragility of Humans….

I want you to read this and contemplate on how short life is and how all the "strategic planning" and "tactical forecasting" in the world could not stand in the face of destiny!

"By the time Deamonte's aching tooth got any attention, the bacteria from the abscess had spread to his brain, doctors said. After two operations and more than six weeks of hospital care, Deamonte died…"

The boy died from a simple tooth ache… Think about your life and think about how fragile we humans are and try to live your life to the fullest because at any moment in time, you could lose it all…