"Paradise"...

Once upon a year gone by
She saw herself give in
Every time she closed her eyes
She saw what could have been
Well nothing hurts and nothing bleeds
When covers tucked in tight
Funny when the bottom drops
How she forgets to fight... to fight

And it's one more day in paradise
One more day in paradise

As darkness quickly steals the light
That shined within her eyes
She slowly swallows all her fear
And soothes her mind with lies
Well all she wants and all she needs
Are reasons to survive
A day in which the sun will take
Her artificial light... her light

And it's one more day in paradise
One more day in paradise
It's one more day in paradise
One last chance to feel alright... alright

Don't pretend to hold it in just let it out
Don't pretend to hold it in just push it out
Don't you try to hold it in just let it out and
Don't you try to hold it in you hold it in

Once upon a year gone by
She saw herself give in
Every time she closed her eyes
She saw what could have been

A Little Thought...

Here's an expression for those of you who are "generous" with their tears:

I was in love with him/her TEARS ago…
OR

I got over him/her TEARS ago…Etc.

What do you think?

"One Last Goodbye"...

How I needed you
How I bleed now you're gone
In my dreams I see you
I awake so alone…

I know you didn't want to leave
Your heart yearned to stay
But the strength I always loved in you
Finally gave way…

Somehow I knew you would leave me this way
Somehow I knew you could never, never stay
And in the early morning light
After a silent peaceful night
You took my heart away
And I grieve…

In my dreams I can see you
I can tell you how I feel
In my dreams I can hold you
And it feels so real…

Could Things Get Worse?

I still can't believe that this much can happen to one person in less than 5 hours!

This is what happened to me today between 12:30 p.m. till 4:30 p.m.:

I had this excruciating pain in my abdomen that was killing me…
Everyone left the house...
I made one of the "scariest" and most vital decisions in my life and I needed to talk to someone, anyone, just to vent…
There was an electricity cut off (so I had no access to TV, Internet, anything!)
My phone ran out of battery and I didn't know anyone's number by heart!
My second phone was out of credits and I didn't know my other number!
I was still home alone, getting more frustrated; more pain was resulting from the stress…
The only friend's number that I was able recall "could not be reached"!
I couldn't leave the house because some people were supposed to come and see it (and none showed up since the morning!)

I was on the verge of losing my sanity! I mean really, how could that many "messed up" things happen to one person in such a short period of time? And more importantly, why???

Too Fragile To Be Titled…

A young and very dear friend of mine called me tonight struggling to get out his words through the echoes of his throttled tears… He called to say he lost a friend of his a few hours ago in a car accident and needed someone to talk to…

Deep inside, I felt this sudden urge to cry to him, to drown in my own tears while I open up my heart and tell him what "black" thoughts have been juggling around my head recently…

The idea of death itself does not scare me, not when I think of it in relation to me. I am just scared "to death" that those who I love will die before I do and I pray to God that this never happens because I do not see myself coping with that, no matter how strong I am…

The word death, in itself, is such a ghastly word; its definitions do not seem to bear more ease either.

In the dictionary, death is defined as:

The permanent end of all life functions in an organism or part of an organism.
The event of dying or departure from life.
The time when something ends.

Before I go no, kindly keep in mind that I am not attempting to address this subject from a religious view, I am only seeking to arrange my million thoughts into words in order to bring myself some "closure" maybe.

Back to the main subject…

Why do you think we cry when we lose someone permanently?
Why is it so hard to believe that life could so easily be "terminated"?
What is the "right" way to act around a person suffering from that kind of loss?
Why can some of us cry when we lose a loved one while others can't?
When does the pain of this loss cease? Does it ever?

I will stop here and hope that this post does not bring back painful memories to any of you…

I apologize in advance for any negative connotations…

Thank you again for being so patient with me…

To my dear friend: As I told you, I am here any time you feel you need to talk… I do promise to be a shoulder to cry on, a good listener and a warm and loving embrace…

Love: Finally Defined...

Have you ever fought for something so solidly until at one fracture of a second you realize that you were fighting for the wrong thing?

I have always thought about love in different ways and gave it various definitions. In countless lines and lines I have described it and glorified it and condemned it. On many occasions I have called for it, begged for it and on numerous others I have wished for it to disappear and to just "leave me alone"!

Tonight, after all those days and nights that have passed, after all the tears and joy I have felt mainly due to or as a result of love or a loved one, I think I have finally found the "real" definition of love according to who I am, what I believe and my experiences…

What is love according to me?

Simply, love is not respect, loyalty, care and understanding. These four elements could be found in any relationship between any two people or even within a group of people (colleagues at work are an example).

Love is when two people BOTH feel that they are meant to be together, that they are made for each other. It is when two people instinctively believe that destiny has arranged their meeting and brought them together for a purpose. Then, and only then, are these two people able to truly and sincerely be there for each other, give "the best of their best", compromise and sacrifice. If those conditions are not met then the road for those two will eventually get to an end in a very short duration and time sphere; everything done within that duration will be useless!

Thoughts: Soul Chokers

Choking, I literally jumped out of bed, sat facing the computer screen, grabbed the keyboard and started typing away the thoughts suffocating my soul…

I don't think at this late hour I am mentally able to formulate logical and grammatically correct paragraphs so I will put those thoughts into short sentences… Thought Number 1: Have you ever been in a place, amongst a crowd which you were the most "beautiful" and "attractive" one out of but you deeply felt inside that you were in reality just the most miserable? I have…

Thought Number 2: I hate the fact that I never "hung around" anywhere long enough to make real friends and solid friendships, not a job, not a school, not a country…

Thought Number 3: Should I give leaving Jordan more thought? I mean are 8 months truly sufficient for me to know that I can not adapt? Moreover, would leaving mean more painful farewells and broken bonds?

Thought Number 4: Why is it that when one asks for too little he/she doesn't get anything? While those who want so much seem to get most of it?

Thought Number 5: Have I been a good friend to those who consider me a friend? Could I have done more, been more?

Thought Number 6: Where is the thin line between jealousy and being obsessive? Who defines that line?

Thought Number 7: Every successful person learns something new every day, what have I learnt for the past few days, weeks or months? (I do not mean on the work level because as before, academics and work have always been the best I can achieve in!)

Thought Number 8: Is it true that nothing has it all? Is that why pretty girls are stupid half of the time and the other half are just simply unlucky?

Thought Number 9: When is it time to move on and just let go? I mean when does a person reach his/her true "breaking point"?

Thought Number 10: Could I ever be or will I ever be happier, more satisfied, more relaxed, and safer? Because if the answer is no then: why the struggle?

Thought Number 11: I should go to sleep but I simply can not right now!

Thought Number 12: What is each of my readers going to think or feel when they read this particular post? Is it going to annoy or upset anyone? Will someone deduce that I am really depressed or will another think I am just letting off steam?

Thought Number 13: When are we going to move to the new house? Will it bring the family closer or tear them more apart?

Thought Number 14: I really feel like a Nescafe right now but I'm scared that if I have one, combined with all those thoughts, I won't be able to sleep for a week to come!

Thought number 15: How could some people actually act and speak as if you are not there? As if you don't exist?

Thought Number 16: Will I be here when my six months pregnant friend comes back from Oman? Will I be there when she has her first baby?

Thought Number 17: Where will I be in two months? Surrounded by whom? Eating what? Doing what? Feeling how?

Thought Number 18: Do mistakes from the past keep haunting us till the day we die?

Thought Number 19: Do I affect anyone's life either positively or negatively? How?

Thought Number 20: After all I have been through, why do I still have trust in people? Why do I over expect? How can I still be this sensitive?

Thought Number 21: When will the day come for me to achieve some of my dreams – my little secrets?

Thought Number 22: Is the way I'm living my life now a reason for the delay in my dreams' execution?

Thought Number 23: I probably should stop typing now because I guess this post will be amongst the longest I have on my blog (and I know how people get bored of reading long posts!

Fading into Oblivion...

In an attempt to overcome the oblivion, she decided to let go of her fettered heart…
The fear of what's to come captivated her senses and ripped her dreams apart…
Faded pictures of smiles and of sunny days halted her every step and stride…
She knew that from her tainted memories there was no place to run or hide!

No more parties in the moonlight or dancing till the sunrise…
You could see no more tears of joy in her weary and poignant eyes…

In an attempt to burry those thoughts of pain somewhere she couldn't even find!
The anxiety of the struggles and disappointments ahead could not be left behind…
Fading sounds of delirious cries in the background held her back once more…
She was sure that she might find something better – or worse – behind that new door!

What A World!

The "Beard Championship"!

While millions of people are so tied up in their daily life routines and trying to juggle between their homes, jobs, families and their own personal space, others still do find the time do be creative and spend their time creating different cuts for their beards!

In Germany, REUTERS/ Alex Grimm reported the following event:

Some 200 participants from all over Europe took part in the International German Beard Championships in southern German village of Schoemberg March 24, 2007. The competition was held with different categories of moustaches, chin beards, whiskers and full beards. In the picture above, Willi Chevalier from Sigmaringen poses for this competition.

"Dear Life"...

I hope you enjoy these lyrics as much as I did…

"Early was the morn,
Flowers filled with dew,
I became somebody through loving you,
Softly as a child,
Born in natural rain,
I predict the seasons to go unchanged,

Sometimes in life,
You run across a love unknown,
Without a reason, it seems like you belong,
Hold on dear life,
Don’t go off running from what’s new,
I became somebody through loving you,

Warm was the sun,
That covered my body, soul,
Reminded me of you as I first known,
Those were the days,
The days that changed my life and made me new,
I became somebody through loving you,

Sometimes in life,
You run across a love unknown,
Without a reason, it feels like you belong,
Hold on dear life,
Don’t go off running from what’s new,
I became somebody through loving you,

As the sun shines...down on me,
I know with you my love is where I want to be,
Oh sometimes I go on through life thinking that love is something that’s not meant for me.."

أريد أن أكتب و أكتب و أكتب
ليس عن موضوع محدد و من دون أن أقصد أحدا بالتحديد
أريد أن أخلع عني معطف الحسرة و أرتدي أحلامي و آمالي و أمضي قدما
ليس إلى وجهة أعرفها و لا هي تعرفني بل نحو الغريب
أريد صدقا و حبا و نظرة الهام و أريد تلك اللهفة من جديد
ليس منه هو و لا من ذاك بل من الحياة ذاتها و من البعيد
أريد أن أجري مرحا و أبكي فرحا و أغنّي شعرا
ليس لمدة قصيرة ولا لبضعة أيام بل لسنين و سنين
أريد شيئا بل أشياء كثيرة لا أعلم كم عددها و لا أين أجدها
ليس لأنّي ضائعة بل لأنّي أعلم أنّي أريد الكثير الكثير

Dreams...

In the Dictionary, you will the find the following definition of the word "dreams":

"Dreams are the series of thoughts, images, or emotions occurring during sleep, particularly sleep accompanied by rapid eye movement. Dream reports range from the very ordinary and realistic to the fantastic and surreal. Humans have always attached great importance to dreams, which have been variously viewed as windows to the sacred, the past and the future, or the world of the dead. Dreams have provided creative solutions to intellectual and emotional problems and have offered ideas for artistic pursuits. A type of cognitive synthesis that facilitates conscious insight may occur subconsciously during dreaming. The most famous theory of the significance of dreams is the psychoanalytic model of Sigmund Freud; in Freud's view, desires that are ordinarily repressed (hidden from consciousness) because they represent forbidden impulses are given expression in dreams, though often in disguised (i.e., symbolic) form."

Due to my extended sleep from 4 p.m. last afternoon up until 7 a.m. this morning, I have experienced the "value" behind dreams and therefore thought I should write about them as a way of showing my gratitude to the night "companionship" they provide!

A while ago, almost two years back, I was really depressed and all I wanted to do is sleep, day and night. I remember that time clearly and I remember how dreams of obtaining something I wanted, of laughter and smiles or dreams of a better day, used to make me feel better and give me hope. I also remember that after that period, I faced terrible insomnia which was really exhausting for almost two months or so.

Now, back to my latest dreams…

What I loved most about my most recent dreams is how in them, everything is just the way it should be, just what I want it to be! All those ideas and thoughts that bottled up my head up during the day were transformed into manifestations of action during my sleep:

I saw those whom I miss, went to the places I want to be, felt the peace that I should feel… Everything was right in its place, where it should be… I further saw "solution" to some of the problems I have been facing!

Thank you dreams… Thank you sleep…

Sleep Overdose!

Good morning everyone… It is now 7:16 a.m. according to the local time of Jordan – Amman.

I am currently experiencing a very strange yet old feeling that is a result of way too much sleep (way more than any normal and healthy human being needs)!

I have so much to say, so much is going on in this little yet complex head of mine but I will not reveal anything so I will not cause anyone to be "angered" or even "slightly upset" from me.

All I will say this morning is I have overdosed on sleep due to my lack of ability to react, talk, argue, comment, or do anything that requires will and effort! I am completely and utterly numb to the world around me…

I really hope that you all have a better start for your day…

A New Favorite Quote...

“Creativity is piercing the mundane to find the marvelous.”

A Three % Increase!

Recently, I have been told that my posts are increasing almost around three percent per month on average. Therefore, this post is especially dedicated to explain what the reasons behind this increase may be!

Well, first of all, I guess I have more free time on my hands these days due to the fact that my working hours are less and that I spend a lot of time at home in the evenings.

Second of all, I have been doing a lot of research lately in different fields, mostly marketing, yet through this research I tend to come across different terms that trigger an idea or a thought.

Finally, and as importantly, I think I am experiencing the same level of stress, anxiety, anger, happiness, disappointments, sadness etc., yet the need to share those with people is getting bigger or the number of people who I used to share those feelings with face to face has suddenly decreased due to "macro factors"!

Nothing Can Beat This Smile...

Nothing can be purer, cuter or more sincere than a baby's eyes…
It can make my soul sing and take away all the tears and the silent cries…
Nothing can be sweeter, warmer or more peaceful than a baby's smile…
It could lift my spirits up and make me strong when I'm on the edge of feeling fragile…

I think all babies are so innocent and so beautiful… Just as butterflies…

One day, I hope I will have my own (though he/she will not have blue eye and will hopefully have curly hair like mine!)

Double Standards & Balance...

I guess you all have heard this term being used on several occasions and you must have your own opinion regarding it… Allow me to share mine with you…

First of all, let me be clear on one point, I do not, in our society at least, believe that men and women should or could be treated equally. This is by far something close to impossible!

Now, the thing I do not agree with is those "double standards" that a boyfriend, a fiancé, a father, a brother or a husband sometimes lays for his girlfriend, daughter, sister and so on, especially if the female was at an age and a maturity level that allows her to make "right" and "mature" decisions regarding her whereabouts, her acquaintances and her way of dealing with people and situations.

Honestly, I am the kind of girl who sees jealousy as a very important element in a love relationship and I actually consider it as a way to demonstrate love and care yet I do not favor being "told what to do and what not to do" on the basis that I am a female!

I guess the idea I'm trying to demonstrate is how unfair society could be to females not due to the fact that they are less mature, less capable or inferior and only because they are "females" although I know many of them, like my mother for example, who can actually assume both the female and the male role in life and in building and maintaining a family.

So tell me something: why the double standards then?

"Breath" Lyrics...

I see nothing in your eyes, and the more I see the less I like.

Is it over yet, in my head?

I know nothing of your kind, and I won't reveal your evil mind.

Is it over yet? I can't win.

So sacrifice yourself, and let me have what's left.
I know that I can find the fire in your eyes.
I'm going all the way, get away, please.

[Chorus:]
You take the breath right out of me.
You left a hole where my heart should be.
You got to fight just to make it through,
'cause I will be the death of you.

This will be all over soon.
Pour salt into the open wound.

Is it over yet? Let me in.

So sacrifice yourself, and let me have what's left.
I know that I can find the fire in your eyes.
I'm going all the way, get away, please.

[Chorus:]
You take the breath right out of me.
You left a hole where my heart should be.
You got to fight just to make it through,
'cause I will be the death of you.

[Bridge]
I'm waiting, I'm praying, realize, start hating.

[Chorus:]
You take the breath right out of me.
You left a hole where my heart should be.
You got to fight just to make it through,
'cause I will be the death of you.

Strangers...

It amazes me how some people, whom you have never seen before, can make a difference in your life…
Those people who you accidentally "meet", those whom you have never heard their voices or seen in person, they can really change your way of thinking and your approach to things and life… They can even bring to life feelings or dreams that you thought were long deceased!
I guess at some point in time you think you have everyone around you figured out and that you know their responses to certain questions and reactions to certain actions yet those who are "strangers" from you, you can never so easily figure out thus they help you or even encourage you to think differently and act accordingly!

A simple answer for a question from a stranger can open up your eyes to the fact that not all people are the same and that you really should not lose faith in life and people because there must be, there should be, someone out there who could understand you and share your thoughts and feelings…Life is still ahead packed with loads and loads of surprises…

The Morning Breeze...

I left the house, locked the door behind me and headed on my short morning trip to the main road…
Today, for the first time in two weeks, I felt something I haven't felt in years…
I felt the cool breeze play with my hair, gently caressing every lock as the sun touched my face softly and tenderly…
I could see my hair shine in different colors, and I could see the trees sway and shine as well…
I wish I could have those days back again… Those days in Beirut… When I used to feel this sensation every single day as I walked to university or to my work, or even when I went shopping…

I guess you never realize the value of what you have until you lose it…