A Night Visitor...

“Knock, knock…”
Silent pause…
“Knock, knock…”

I hear a knock on the walls of my memories and I wonder who it could be at this late hour of the night. Aren’t characters in your memories supposed to fall asleep when you do?

“Knock, knock… Please let me in!”

Ok, this is scaring me!
I mean I’ve had it with these aggravating memories and the pain they bring!

“Stay out!” I scream at the top of my lungs… “Go away!”

Silence in the hallways of my mind, heavy loaded silence…

Whoever was there is gone now… Whatever memory he wanted to refresh is postponed and I am left to wonder: Will I be able to always push those memories away?

I sure hope so, though I highly doubt it!

Leaving...

The faint smell of summer is in the air, she could smell the leaves and the dry ground, and she could feel the heat of the night while walking alone in the half lit street, thinking to herself, of herself…

She finally reaches her destination, her house, opens the door to her room and her memories once more and slides into a feeling of insecurity once again…

Now, as she packs it all in her suitcases: the small little gifts from friends and family, the precious (happy and sad) moments she spent in that room, the few frames that had her pictures and her "distinguished list" certificates, her clothes, her shoes and everything else she could grab, she finally feels that she knows what she wants and she feels the inner strength to go for it…

A long sigh, a gentle tear and a push of determination… She is leaving now… Nothing to leave behind, no one left to leave an empty space, nothing left to lose…

In her fight for what she believed in, she finally realized that she has lost who she really was, or at least who she wanted to be… While giving up so much and so unconditionally, she has given up her own dreams, beliefs and soon her soul…

"Will I not fight for my soul?" She questioned herself…

It is true that on some level, many would consider this decision a selfish and yet irrational one, seeing that the situation isn't that pleasant as one may believe… Yet, she had a choice to make and this time, she is going to choose herself out of all her list…

"I'm leaving!" She declared…

Silently, she swept the tears off the table, went back to her suitcases and continued her packing only this time she chose not to think of anything any more…

Her mind went to sleep… Her body still functioned… Her heart she could still hear beat yet slowly, yet painfully…

"I'm leaving…" She whispered into the night as she cuddled her pillow and fell into what she hoped would be a dreamless sleep…

Quote... Dedicated...

"A man isn't finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."

Priorities: Bent and Twisted…

Let me give you now a little advice, rather a small hint, about priorities, those that you set for yourself when you are choosing a job, a partner, a university, even what to wear, where to go or what to eat…

It took me such a long time and so many disappointments to figure this out so hear me out, maybe you’ll avoid some of those!

Every person in this life works hard to become what he/she is and to reach where he/she wants to be… Along that road, each of us lists a set of priorities sought in every choice made…

In a job, for example, you might have the following priorities in mind: a good salary, a career path, a healthy and friendly working environment and a fairly understanding boss. Now, it is obvious that this may not applicable all the time so here is when you sacrifice one or two of your priorities in the favor of others that may have high importance as well.

Up to this point, things seem to be fair and just normal!

Here is where it starts to get tricky!

In a relationship, when choosing a partner, you also set certain priorities that you make up through time and experiences. Those priorities could be regarding looks, personality, goals, career objectives, family, etc. It is truly difficult to keep your priorities straight here because sometimes love can really make you bend and twist your own rules, not blind you, just make you more susceptive to changing what you believe in.

I’m not saying you should not make some changes in the name of “love”, I’m just saying that the more priorities you let go of, the more the emptiness you will suffer when it is all over and you realize that all you did just went to waste!

So, here is what I’m trying to say: priorities are important, they can be bent but the least minimum required priorities should never be messed with or the end result will be self-doubt and plain emptiness…

Impassively & Blankly Emotionless...

“It is funny how sometimes in life you are forced to give up things, those that you truly cherish, for the sake of someone or something that turns out to be of no significance to you or your life in general! Someone who doesn’t deserve it neither by hook not by crook and something that was never there to begin with!”

That is the thought she had in mind as she heard his words and soaked them in.

Across the table, he sat there, staring blankly into the shock that grew onto her tired face, he watched, with no emotions as each tear fell from her eyes, ran down her cheeks and dried up at her neck…

So many times before, he started so vacantly into her clear brown eyes, impassive of what she may be feeling and yet this time she felt more distance, the farthest of all…

As she recalled his every details, the tiny little hairs on his head, each finger, each freckle, the dimples, the color of his eyes, the sound of his voice, everything and everyone around them faded away and as time passed by, he vanished as well, and she was there alone, stuck in her own little pain that she knew she would not be able to muster!

The chill in his words froze her heart and the sharpness in his tone ripped her feelings apart…

“It was finally over, no need to fight any more…
It is all gone now”, she thought to herself as he walked out the door…

I'm Letting You Go...

There were many times when my mind was filled with only thoughts of you… When my heart was overwhelmed with emotions that were only meant to be yours…

In the darkness I'd close my eyes and whisper my goodnight, my dreams and wishes to you. Whatever I was going through, it was you I searched for. You I wanted to share my day with… You and only you…

Before each break of dawn, I'd wake up suddenly, the chill disturbing my dreams; it was you that first came to mind. It was you that penetrated even my dreams. The touch I pictured upon my cheek - the soft, gentle hands on my face. That touch was yours. "My someone" was what I called it. I never gave it a name, it was an idea. I lied. It was always you. You were my someone. You were the only one…

When the pain in my chest was so achingly sore and my cheeks burned from all the tears I'd cried, it was you who brought that pain. When he held me in his arms it was you I imagined him to be. I gathered my strength and continued through life, but it was you I did it for. It was you I breathed for. It was you that made me want to become someone better, someone new…

It was you I always wrote to and about. Sometimes I never realized it, but it was always you. You were always there, on the other side, always in the back of my mind…

But I'm letting you go now; I don't need you there anymore. I don't think you ever needed me at all…
I can stand on my own now and say goodnight to myself. I can write to myself and smile to myself and be sad to myself. I'm letting you go because that's what you taught me to do. It's still you, and will always be you, somewhere deep down there, even when I envision someone else's touch upon my cheek.

I'm letting you go...

Tell Me Where You Met, I'll Tell You Who You Are!!!

Lately, I've been having some trouble with deciding on many things concerning my life and the way I conduct it. The trickiest of all seems to be this: What is considered a "healthy" and "right" way to meet people?

Often, we are misjudged for actions we take, words we say, looks we give, our way of dressing and/or the people we hang out with. This is normal seeing that we live in a partly conservative and somewhat closed society. This is the least we could expect, isn't it?

Now, how we meet people could also be an issue to many and I have recently found that out!

What I can't seem to figure out is what is the difference if you meet "x" through work, university, a group of friends, the Internet or over the phone for example? I mean do any of those locations ensure a better relation, regardless of its nature? Do any of them really show you the "real" person more than the other? Can you guarantee a healthy relationship based on the place of the first encounter?

I really don't have an answer for all these questions but I do know that many others do! After having serious and long conversations with many of my friends I have discovered that they really believe that how and where you meet people does reflect on who you are.

The only thing I can say about all this is that whoever the person you met was and wherever you met him, if you are not meant to be (a couple, friends, etc), you will never be! The deeper side of that other will show sooner or later and all you have to do is wait for life to relieve it to you…

A few of the greatest people I have met in my life I bumped into the weirdest places! Does that make me any less "good" or make them any more "peculiar"?

Maybe, maybe not…

Poursuivre des Rêves... (Chasing Dreams)....

Has it ever occurred to you how fast your dreams are able to run away from you?

I mean really, it is as if you were playing a game of catch but your dreams are the one with the muscular and athletic legs while you're just stuck with skinny little "chick" legs!
Hehe, it actually made me smile to my self the vision of what I have just described! The irony, the extreme case, tends to make you smile and sometimes even burst out in laughter when in fact you may be thinking of your worst fears or your regrets, disappointments or anything along those lines!

I guess this is how some people actually lose their mind at the end, and they are then called: insane. I guess too much harsh irony mixed with lack of expressing its yield, leads to that state. But come now, aren't we all just a little insane? Each, of course, in his/her own way, actions, dreams, etc…

Sometimes, you are just too happy about something that you cry, many others, you are just too upset or hurt due to something and you actually laugh!

Let's go back to the cat and mouse games we play with our dreams.
This time, our dreams are Jerry; the clever and devious mouse who outsmarts Tom every time! Therefore, we are Tom, the seemingly kind yet starving cat who tries everything to get a hold of Jerry!

Tom never gave up though, and some of us almost always keep trying as well… Personally, I think that the only difference between what we do and what Tom did was that we keep trying different mice yet Tom always pursued the same mouse!

Will this chase ever end?

I am very sure that for some of us it does just as I'm sure that for many of us, it just keeps running and the choice is ours whether to follow it or just let go!

Je Suis Epuisé... (I'm Worn-Out)!

What an exhausting day this has been… And by exhausting I mean in every meaning this word may carry: the physical, the mental and the emotional…

I've been in and out of my fanatical little mind around a million times…
I've been driving up and down the road to insanity in an hour about two hundred miles…

It still makes me wonder, how could things be so difficult, things that you want and fight for so hard…
It still makes me weak the thought of uncertainty in every single step we take and every unlucky card!

It has been ages now, ages ago when I last found my peace and serenity…
And I keep thinking to myself: This is not the way that things should be…

Those people wandering around this earth, each living their worries and dreams…
Those moments wasted, the empty hours, the silenced screams…

How can you stand against the odds when the odds just can't be defined?
How can you rise above the pain and be so calm, peaceful and refined!

And as I stand watching passersby come and go clueless of what's to come…
I crawl back into my shell, unwind, and so naturally become undone…

Yeah, it may be another moment when giving up seems to be the only way…
I guess I can't confirm it now and I'll wait to see what life will bring day by day…

A Confounding Question!

Have you ever wondered who you really were?

In your own eyes, in your own mind, do you really know who you are?

Can you define, in short and simple sentences, who you believe you may be?

We can agree on one thing for certain, we are human.

We share the same physiological and biological state (some having slight differences due to age, state of mind, abuse, living conditions, etc), but more or less, we have some basics in common: the same digestive, respiratory, nerve and reproductive systems. (Of course the reproductive system differs from males to females – just in case of any smart comment!).

We also have minimum universal requirements: the need to eat, breathe, drink and sleep.

On a deeper level though, who are we?

I mean are we good or bad? Are we kind or mean? Are we caring or careless? Useful or useless?

It is said that two things make us who we are: memories (resulting from past experiences) and secrets (those we bury deep inside).

I can’t really agree!

Notice one thing: both memories and secrets involve one or more external others. Thus, if the influence of that other was negative, does that condemn us to a different definition of who we are?

Realistically, I know how much we give attention to what others think of us while ignoring our own beliefs and values in order to “go with the flow” and not be misjudged. We usually choose to join ‘em when we can not find a way to convince them or beat ‘em!

Ideally, at some point of our lives, we do reach to an understanding with our own selves; we get a fair definition of our essence. But the question is, when does that point come around? And would it ever be too late?

Intermediate Things!

As I sat in the office, thoughtful, feeling the urge to write yet not realizing what exactly it is I want to write about, a book, on the desk next to me, proposed the answer to me! The book’s title was: Intermediate Accounting.

When I read the title, a small smirk was drawn on my face and ironically I thought of this: Why do many academic books have titles carrying “intermediate” as the first word? How many things in real life application are intermediate?

The definition of the word intermediate is: lying or occurring between two extremes or in the middle position or state.

Now, think with me: How many times have we felt anything on the “intermediate” level?
When was the last time we felt “intermediate” pain, happiness, sadness, frustration or hope?
When was the last time we felt “intermediate” safety, stability or control?

Things in life, unfortunately, are rarely in the intermediate level. They happen to occur in extremes, extremes which we may not know how to handle or which we do not even desire.

Have you ever half hated someone?
Have you ever half loved anyone?

Let’s look at the bigger picture: take our society for example, the middle class is slowly vanishing (if it is not already gone that is!)

These days, things are extremities. So why do academic book writers still insist on adding the word intermediate in their book titles? Isn’t education a reflection of the world we live in?

"I'm Gonna Find Another You" By John Mayer

It's really over, you made your stand
You got me crying, as was your plan
But when my loneliness is through, I'm gonna find another you

You take your sweaters
You take your time
You might have your reasons but you will never have my rhyme
I'm gonna sing my way away from blue
I'm gonna find another you

When I was your lover
No one else would do
If I'm forced to find another I hope she looks like you
Yeah and she's nicer too, yeah

So go on baby
Make your little get away
My pride will keep me company
And you just gave yours all away
Oh, now I'm gonna dress myself for two
Once for me and once for someone new
I'm gonna do some things you wouldn't let me do
Oh I'm gonna find another you

Unfair Comparison...

As I drove, high speed, in that empty street, tired and so alone…
I saw this man, alone as well, pushing in front of him his source of income: his corn cart!

Just like me, in the same street he was…
Just like me alone…

But while I was in my car, warm, listening to my music, thinking of my life, feeling sad for myself, he was on foot, cold, pushing this cart up road, and probably praying for someone to come and buy what he is selling so he can finally go home probably carrying a few loafs of bread for his wife and children…

I put the car to a halt, waiting for him to reach where I have parked with one thought in my mind: How can I help him without offending him in any way?
As he got closer, I got weaker… As I opened my window, his short breaths pained me and the chilliness in the air he had to bear just crippled me…
As he talked to me, tears just filled my eyes… He was so polite, so kind, and so different than many people who had it all yet chose to be cruel, mean and careless…

As I drove away, the same gurgling scream I have felt a few weeks back found its way to my eyes and I let go… I screamed out my tears and couldn't help but think: How lame our troubles are when compared to others! How silly we can be when we just think of our pain and consider it the biggest pain of all! How selfish we can be!
The world around us is falling apart… We just stand there complaining about a lost love, a stupid raise, a new shirt while people are dying of natural disasters and sicknesses, suffering from poverty, being tormented from their governments…

Why…
Why are we so blind to others' pain?
Why is it that we only see what we chose to see? Feel just what we choose to feel?
Why does life provide us with so many unfair tests?

When…
When we will wake up from our dreams and look at the world around us, the bigger picture?
When will we try to make a difference?

Short Term Memory Loss...

A movie I was watching last night triggered this thought: How would my life become if I suddenly developed short memory loss? A condition that leaves one with some memories from far behind yet makes him/her unable to make new memories…

Though many times I wish I can forget various things, people, places, actions, words, looks, etc, I wonder now, how would it feel not to be able to remember small things like who you have talked to in the morning, what you ate, to bigger things such as where you are, what your dreams maybe, what your higher goal or purpose was!

Memories, as I have put it before, are tricky and cruel… You need them to grow, mature, learn and develop however painful, sad, harsh and unfriendly they may be…

After this short dilemma with myself, I wonder now, have your memories made you any stronger? Did you ever wish that you'd just forget all the painful memories in your life along with those conditions or people who caused them? Are you able to live everyday with new hopes and dreams while watching the remains of old ones burn and turn into dust?

Whatever your answer may be, think of this:

We all need memories to remind us of who we are…

A Life... A Song...

Some songs have the power to move us in ways we have never known or expected…

Those songs are the ones we can never get bored of, that we do not seem to ever get enough of…

They have the ability to reach so deep inside of our soul, wake up emotions in us that we thought were long gone…

Some people we meet by coincidence tend to have the same effect…

The main difference remains to be this: Those songs we can keep, we can listen to whenever we want and they become ours - whether on our PCs, our CD players or our IPODs – they are always there… People, on the other hand, can never be ours, we can not posses them, they have the power to just walk away, walk out, whenever they desire or choose, leaving us with emptiness and hollowness that nothing but time can fill up…

I wish people were just songs… Simple songs, long songs, short songs, just songs… Songs that we listen to when we need to feel anything or something… Songs that make us happy, that make us sad, yet remain to be there for us, at our disposal... Songs that will not erase themselves from our hard disks (lives) whenever they please…

Dedicated To Mr. Rum...

I know, deep inside my heart, I know we will meet again…

One day, some day, maybe years from now, maybe in another life…

I know that I shouldn’t give us up; I should handle this strain…

One night, some moment, things will be different; we will overcome this strife…

I know, I’m sure, nothing can melt away the years of struggles except your smile…

One day, some day, I’m sure your smile will again be mine…

I know that your soul will find its way back to me after a while…

One night, some moment, you will be back to find a safety in my shrine…

Till then, I will breathe with unease, yet I will breathe…

I will hold on, be strong, stand tall and again breathe…

Puppets... By Choice...

What a rough period the last few weeks were…
Wow! Looking back at them now, it feels like such a relief that that period in my life has finally passed…

Everything that happened then, as well as things that have been going on in my life since I started being aware of things around me and since I began to make my own decisions, make me think of something: Puppets!

How strange it is that we allow people to move us, just as puppets… Silly, little and lifeless puppets!

How strong we are and yet how we permit ourselves to be so weak for others…

How smart we are yet how we stand there and accept to be manipulated…

How mature we cab be and yet how childish we can act!

How ambitious we are and yet accept to put aside our dreams and ambitions for him or her…

Puppets by choice… That we are…

That doesn't mean we are, by any means, smarter than other puppets! It just means that we are more powerful: We can choose when not to be puppets any more!

For now, I don't want to be a puppet… I want to be me… Just me… With all the good and bad that I may be, with all the faults and mistakes I am made of and I have made along the way… I want to be the way I am: the result of all the experiences I've been through… The whole package…

When, and if, I'm bored maybe, just maybe, I can choose to play the puppet again, and yet again, by choice!

لست مجبرا ً أن تحبني أعلم جدا ً و جدا ً و جدا ً بأنك للآن لم تعرفني

ليس الأمر أن هناك حاجزا ً بيننا و لكنك للآن لم تستوعبني

لا أدري لما ترى فجوة ً بيننا الأنني لم أستطع ءالا أن اكون على طبيعتي معك

كأنني أنظر للمرآة فأرى شخصي في عينيك ِمرارا ً و تكرارا ً

رجوت مشاعري أن اصمتي و لا تفضحيني لكن عبثا ً تنازعني روحي راغبة ً أن تهجرني و تسكنك

اراك كالطيف يجوب في أنحاء خاطري و كلما وددت الاقتراب منك يغادر طيفك معك عندما تتركني

A Different Perspective…

His pain was overpowering, his feelings so tied up…
He walked with hesitance towards her, yet his knees failed him to a drop!
He promised things will get better but some day, not now…
He needed to figure his own feelings about her and how!
He gently got closer, closer and yet stayed far…
Leaving the doors of her memories again so ajar!
He tenderly picked the roses in her dreams and then tossed them aside…
He wanted to run, needed to scream, yearned to fight yet chose to hide…
He walked out so coldly, frozen and in great awe…
Yet each time he closed his eyes her face he could clearly draw…
He didn't know if she'd wait for him; not even if he wanted her to…
He was afraid to get closer yet couldn't help it if the distance grew!

Relationship Construction...

Please excuse my excessive posting today! I am just currently going through a rather confusing time in my life and there is so much going on in that over thinking, overanalyzing yet small head of mine!

I have spent a lot of time with myself and by myself the last couple of days (that doesn't mean I have been alone, yet it means that I have been drowned in my thoughts even during the hours I have spent around different people)…

One of the most interesting ideas when that just bubbled up in my head was the thought of him, her and them… The thought of relationships in general… What they truly are; their essence…

Relationships, the ones that matter any way, are really similar to construction work!

The concrete, the wood, the stones and the iron greatly resemble what the two sides of the relationship bring: their experiences, hopes, dreams, moods, personalities, habits, negatives, positives, etc…

The construction workers are the two people in the relationship…

The building is the relationship itself…

Just as in the construction of any building, the stronger the base, the better the outcome… The weaker the base, the more shaky and wobbly the results will be!

The more time and effort the workers put in the construction, the faster the building will grow…

Now, once the workers decide to abandon that building, it will be left as it is, on its own, just waiting for someone to come along and blow it up leaving an empty space, a hollow scar…

Think about it… How many building have you constructed? How many have you left behind?