Forgive Me, If You Can...

Image By: Beirut

Forgive me, if you can:

For the engendered pain oozing from my weary face,
And the dormant rage leaking from my sleepy eyes...
For the times I let you down and lose my subtle grace,
And the constant fear, hesitations and erupting sighs...

Forgive me, if you can:

And I really wish you would, sooner than later I guess,
I am growing into my skin, which barely fits me anymore!
For the longest time I have been in such a terrible mess,
That I can't help but fear a big fall after a love's soar!

Forgive me, if you can:

I can't seem to get over the bulk of sadness I so stupidly wore,
I can't seem to stop my mind from anticipating more pain!
I find myself wrapped up in the past's slime from head to core,
I really, truly, sincerely can't handle getting hurt once again!

A State of Utter Nothingness!

Words escape me as I try to untangle the knots of my spiderweb like thoughts...

With every day, new variables are added to the equation of my chaotic being...

With every step forward, a few others backwards...

I understand now: The implications of decisions, the real pain waiting unfolds, some of the reasons for doing "wrong" by yourself or by those around you...

And although I'd love to believe that the little girl inside of me is still shielded from my disappointments and anger, I can hardly convince myself that she still smiles... I sometimes even doubt if she is there anymore!

The itch that I can't scratch, the scars which I can't heal, the memories that live within the layers of my mind...

All remind me that I am human - which is good - but that this humanity makes me fragile...

"In order to be happy, one must detach from feelings and slowly release him/her self from the chains of humanity"...

I wonder now, is this true?

The guilt... Another hammer digging me deeper into the ground... (I'm reminded here of a scene from a horror movie where the zombie tries to escape the grave - a hand sticking out of the soil)...

Then there is complete and utter nothingness... And here is where I stop... For now...

If My Nerves Had Lips!

If my nerves had lips...

They would shout: Enough is enough!
They would bite them so hard that I could taste the blood,
"I am bored of being strong and acting tough;
This crap is just too much, rummaging me like a raging flood"!

If my heart had claws...

It would have ripped itself from its current space!
Because there's only this much a heart can take,
It would have run off to be far; in a better place!
The pain it's being forced into is causing it to break!

If my ears had hands...

They would have kept away from words,
In silence their haven would have been!
They would have shone away from the herds,
Since on being here I have never been keen!

The Sight of You... Nauseates Me!

I swear it does!

More words than integrity,
More lies than ability,
More promises than eternity!

But you act as if you care!

Mixed signals of hate and affection,
It feels like you're my only infection,
You bring me pain and fake protection!

But I still had faith in you!

When you conspired against me with giggles,
When you ran from question in wiggles,
When you always clapped for the triggers!

And now you don't matter!

I won't measure myself with your crooked yardsticks,
I won't be waiting for you to mash my face with your bricks!
I won't allow you to manipulate me just to get your kicks!

Execrable!

I, so naively, thought that I could go on without this blog!

I thought that I was strong - or maybe just sane - enough to take the execrable situations, that I am repeatedly forced into, and make something good out of them, without the need to vent by writing; you know, tackle each problem and solve it as I go!

Sadly though, I was painfully wrong - just like many other times where I thought I knew better!

Am I a changed person since the last post I wrote and published here? I believe so.
Do I like this new person I am now? For the most part, maybe yes, but when it comes to the important part of me, the part that thrives on great feelings, passion, and all this crap, the answer is NO!

"They" are there as a constant reminder that this will not be easy! Their little conspiracy theories, their lack of commitment, their lies, their schemes, and all other negative things they bring into my days and burden my soul with, they are all so hard to shake off!

"She" never stops the blame... Every single day... Never satisfied with anything I do or say; never willing to give me some space to breath!

Breath! God, I miss breathing: taking long, deep breaths and feeling better... It has been so long since I really felt better!

"He" never seizes to amaze me with the audacity he so proudly carries onto his personality, wearing it as a coat to cover his weary bones and a cat to warm his tired mind!

And yes, I am tired... And I do ache...

But what is different now?

I gave up... I gave up on people and I gave up on trying. I have no more faith in anyone or anything and I live, day by day, never looking forward to anything and always holding my head to the front not to look back... But that's it! A mere, shallow and futile existence; no one is worth it!

And to all of you out there, whom I've written a few letters to the past few months, you sadly proved to me how well-deserved each word I wrote about you was and I hope that one day life will teach you how pain can scar, the way you did me...

Regards...

Hollow World...

That's all this world is: hollow, cold, manipulative and meaningless...

The actors on the stage of life are playing their cruel roles good and well...

"Never underestimate the capacity of others to let you down"..

And I raise my white flag... I surrender!

Sleep Catcher!

When we are young, with hands not yet scratched from life's thorns and memories not yet tainted from time's flaws, most of us dream of having the simplest icons of joy: getting a little toy as a present, going out with mommy for an ice cream or even being allowed to play in the garden with the neighbor's kids!

As we grow older, our dreams change, just as we do...

And now, as I lay in my bed, restless and sleepless, the irony of one specific dream strikes me: my dream of having a big beautiful dream catcher in my room, over my bed, to capture all those nasty and wicked dreams which always used to creep into my sleep!

Now, at almost 27, I wish for something bigger and more rare: a sleep catcher! I NEED TO SLEEP!

I mean in addition to my flu and its ramifications (the cough, headaches and fever), there are also the many aggravating thoughts that do not seize to stop or pause; the worries about what's to come, the concerns about how to deal...

And all I want to do now is just sleeeeeeep!

P.S: This might be my last post, at least for a long time. Therefore, you now have the time to go through the older posts since this will be my 518th published piece!

Illusions of a Better Year!

The human mind is such a complex, and sometimes even scary, place! It's like a room; sometimes filled with happy, jolly voices, laughs of kids, scents of different roses, memories of good moments while at other times it is just dark, empty and tangled up, filled with painful stories of a life never lived, of a hope never fulfilled, of a love never returned and of a smile stolen away from time!

Oh how I laugh, so ironically, at those who think that now that 2009 is gone, the year coming next, 2010, will be any better! The illusions they have about things changing to meet their moods and to suit their needs is just ridiculous!

What changed? Really? What changed between 31-12-2009 and 1-1-2010? Where was the magic wand that hovered across the earth solving everyone's problems and bringing their souls to a silent peace? Where was that fairy dust which showered the land with goodness and purified minds from evil?

The answer is simple: get realistic people; this is the real world! There are no fairies or magic dust, there is no magic wand... It is all the same, just another year carrying with it just other disappointments!

I tried reevaluating myself for the past four days, you know, since it's a "new year" and all. You know what I got? Nothing! A big fat hollow nothing!

Yeah I know, I've made mistakes: I've cried in my office for stupid reasons, I talked back to my mother when I shouldn't have, I allowed my pain to hurt others, I held faith in something that was never worth it. Yet, other than those few incidents, I have done nothing really wrong! I committed no BIG sins like killing, lying, stealing and so on!

Yet, my luck seems to be hating me! Karma seems to have placed me in its head; in a negative and unfavorable manner!

Stay tuned for my "new" year's resolutions!

Her Last Words...

"The right time is now; this is the perfect crime scene," she thought..."Whatever happens to her now, no on is going to know about it, at least for days".

Smirking to herself, she continued to think, "no one will care any way!"

She did care though; she cared too much.

That's why, after some thought to it, she figured out what was missing in her master plan; the missing piece to the big puzzle... "I need to say good bye to everyone who has been there, put me down or hurt me... Everyone who made me feel worthless... Everyone who held my hand... Everyone who broke my heart... Everyone who has lied to me... Everyone who loved me..."

Therefore, she decided to write a personal letter to each and every one who left some kind of print on her life... By initials, so she won't embarrass them or make them too obvious!

The posts to come were those letters...

My New Year, in Ruins...

Just yesterday evening, I remember having a very short yet sincere conversation with myself about the coming year and how people, all around the world, celebrate the "special" new year's eve through multiple ways, various rituals and different mentalities.

I also remember telling myself, in efforts to lessen the value of this day to me:

Every year has been worse than the one before, so why celebrate? Why not just sit at home, light little miserable candles, put off the lights, shut the doors and close the windows, put on some sad music and cry for the year to come for it will definitely be yet another year filled with pain, anger, disappointment and every other negative feeling possible?!

Don't judge me yet, I know it sounds pitiful, I really do... But why smile for a year that has already decided to frown back at me?

Well, the ironic thing is, I had prepared for new year's eve! I bought a new short black dress which covers my thin, ill-looking figure. I went to the salon and colored my nails in a bold and daring color to proof to myself that things can change. I also booked an appointment at the salon which I did go to after I was forced to cancel all the plans I was looking forward to!

So there I am, at the salon, and I'm figuring things out. At the sink, while getting my hair treatment, it all just hit me: my life is a joke! The things I believe in are fake and those whom I trusted for so long have been deceiving me all along; they never really cared and all their words were lies and their actions, simple games that my naive mind did not catch on to sooner!

Right there, at the sank, in the middle of tens of heads waiting to be showered and blow-dried, and amongst around 8 hairstylists and 5 or more helpers, at that sink, while the music was blasting: my pain took the form of warm wet tears that jumped out of my eyes and onto my rosy cheeks, and I burst into tears...

Curious eyes surrounding me... Whispers "why is she crying, what is wrong with her?" all around... Then a gentle yet clueless voice approaches me saying "please come with me to the private area".

In my mind, I thought of how embarrassing and inconvenient my pain was to all those happy people who are anxiously waiting to get out there, enjoy this night with someone they love or with family and friends... They all had smiles and haste drawn all over their faces. They had hope for a great night followed by a "new" year steaming from their pores and wet heads! While I just sat there, as a proof to all of them, that maybe this is all fake, and that regardless of how happy you try to make yourself, you might simply lose at the end!

If it is God's will for me to be in this pain, so be it, I can't argue with his will or my destiny... Yet it is not God's will, it is man's will... For the carelessness and selfishness of man can never be more harsh than this!

An even bigger slap in the face this time. My hair is ready: looking all shiny, tidy and full of life... Unlink my soul which is struggling to smile for all those who made sure to pass by "the private area" and make sure that I am doing better now, before they go off and do whatever it is they planned for this "god forsaken" night.

So I'm on my way out... I get into the car, where I had left an extra change of clothes, cream, perfume and sandals in the back seat.. But I've got no where to go, better yet, no where to go that I would want to be!

Flash forward, a few hours later...

It is one a.m. It still feels like an extension of 2009. Nothing has changed!

I unpacked the bag which held hope for a smile...
I unplugged the life system which my wishes were plugged into...
I unsang every song that I was planning to rejoice that night...
I unbuttoned the dress of desire and love...

And from then, until about 5, all I did was stare blankly into the screen of my Mac, stupidly waiting, hoping and wishing some more...

Morning came, and nothing changed...

In my bed, on those same pillows, I cried again... I cried to have lost everything I had: the one man that ever loved me, the one person that I ever loved, the girl I trusted yet brought me all types of pain, the mother I missed yet has no clue of the pain that I'm in...

And now, all I have are my words to gently try to wipe the tears off my no longer rosy cheeks...

I hate where I am because of you... And I hope, one day, you will realize the damage you've done...

Goodbye...

Sweat Drops...

I'm amazed, no, actually, I am bedazzled:

How could one bleed this much inside and still be alive? How could one sweat in the midst of the cold night? How could one lose sleep for many nights in a row? How could one scream to be heard, so loud, and yet no one can hear those screams? How could one be so lonely yet not choke from all the anger and pain swallowed, gulp by gulp, day by day?

I know what you're thinking: Come on! It's almost new year's! Cheer up, celebrate!

Hehe... Yeah, I know... I'm more bored with my sorrow than you are at this point. Therefore, if you're in a good mood, I urge you to leave this post now and go see a loved one, go out with friends, have a drink, hell, have a PARTY!

Otherwise, you are welcomed to be here, share my pain with me...

So, for those of you who decided to stay, allow me to let you in on a little secret: I think I am death proof! I think it's God's way of punishing me for whatever sins I have committed when I was younger, or maybe even in another life!

Leaving aside the emotional traumatizing accidents, the physical incidents which could have easily got me killed, all failed! And I'm still here!

So little food, so little sleep... And I'm still here!
Too much stress, problems and anger... And I'm still here!
Too little overrated happy moments stolen in time... And I'm still here!
Too much physical damage caused by my indefinite pain... And I'm still here!

ENOUGH!

To be continued... Or maybe not!

Strip Poker!

You called the game then called the shots: Strip poker it was!

Not that I don't mind nudity or enjoy it in any way, but as always, I let you lay down the rules and I promise to play by them to the last breath and whatever it takes!

Occasionally, you would change the rules and forget, but that was fine, as they say: "rules are meant to be broken!"

So we sat down, for many many months, and played your game, your way!

And the stripping began:

First round: I had to strip out of my ego; you made me feel bad about my past and the pain I was forced to go through while growing up - the same pain which made me stronger, more able to take care of you and a family one day.

But that was okay: ego is a cardinal sin after all!

Second round: I had to strip out of my pride; your conspiracy with everyone against my pride was really well planned out! I stopped caring about your insults and theirs, I took it all in, like a man, though I'm definitely not!

But that, too, was okay: pride is one of the seven deadly sins!

Third round: I had to strip out of my joy; the little happy girl inside shrunk into her cocoon and slowly yet surely, died a very silent death. (May God rest her soul)

Here, I started worrying, murder is a sin; you drove me to murder!

Fourth round: (I'm almost utterly naked and my skin is covered with over-hyped goosebumps) I had to strip out of my mind since staying there and playing this game after all those losses is simply and clearly INSANE!

Oh well, insanity is just a socially set construct.

Last round: With shame, I had to finally strip out of myself! My body no longer could hold me in because my soul became rotten with fear, anger and pain and my heart weakened with insults, broken words and too many lies...

Well, hard luck for me and... to you dearest... congrats: you have managed to take it all away!

Let's Make Love...

Come closer...

Bring your body close to mine...
Let your breath touch my neck and my heart shiver...
In the music we sway, our bodies in twine....
Make me become whole again, collect me sliver by sliver...

Come here...

Bring your warmth and cover us up...
Let your eyes indulge in me, let your hands find my curls...
In the night we are alone, as we drink from passion's cup...
Make me feel that you're my man and I'm your girl...

My teddy bear...

While I drench you in tears and wish you could understand,
While I tell you my fears, and hope you could hold my hand...

You, I and the wet tissues are here on this bed alone,
You have no soul to feel and I have no real haven or home...

The Unforgivables...

"Forgiveness is a virtue of the brave".~Indira Gandhi

Her soul is tired from carrying around all this deeply entrenched pain and dreadful memories of a voice so harsh, of a word so humiliating, of an act so unkind, of a look so hollow, of a love never returned and of a promise so unfulfilled.

In her mind she stumbles with the thoughts passing by of the places she had been, the people she had met, the chaos she had undergone...

Somewhere inside of her existence, she feels she needs to forgive. She needs to be brave and allow all this pain to wither away with forgiveness...

Yet, she knows, she can not forgive what she can not forget; as long as the wound is fresh, it will keep bleeding and though the past is the past, it did not heal yet with the help of the poking and the scratching that "all of them" impose!

The unsettled childhood, the messed up teenage years, the love which was never appreciated, the things she had lost, the nights she had cried, the pain which she endured alone, the longing for a warm touch on the face, the yearning for a sincere embrace... All of these and many more, deeply rooted somewhere she can't reach to pull out or even trim!

Would you mind telling her: How could she forgive the uncalled for pain? How could she find it in her heart to refrain herself from HATING or HURTING those who placed her in the corner of despair, intentionally?

A Hesitant Suicide Note...

A while back, around 4 or 5 years ago, I remember writing a suicide note. I know what you're thinking: "Crazy!" It's your opinion. So maybe I am, maybe I'm not.

Come to think of it, the funny and equally ironic thing about that suicide note, which I remember very clearly now, as if I wrote it a couple of days ago, is the reason why I decided to write that note: A state of overwhelming happiness and safety, one which I was scared that this cruel life would steal away from me!

That suicide note explained the bliss and serenity I felt and how terrifying the thought of losing all that I had, all that I felt and the love that grew inside of me then, due to something out of my control!

Today, as I stand here trembling with fear of the mere thought of having to be threatened, humiliated, rejected, abandoned and marginalized, I think I have reached a new point of surrender: a point of no return...

It is one thing to die while your in love and your loved in return, happy, blissful and satisfied. However, it's another thing to die because your body began to cave in and fall apart, your mind is almost numb from negative thoughts and your heart is weak and feeble from the pain you are put through, day after day, and with no true reason of why this is all happening!

Lies, lies and more lies!

Deception, deception and more of it to come!

Ignorance, selfishness, carelessness...

Inflated ego, weak personalities, chains and no saws!

Now, after I thought this through, I surrender: I planned it all and prepared for the final scene...

I am finally relieved!

The clock is ticking and soon, it will be all over; for I have been all I can be and did all I can do for a big fat "NOTHING"!

May this soul of mine finally rest in peace...

P.S: For all of you out there who contributed to this final scene: May you get exactly what you deserve in life. You mocked my pain but your time must and will come.

Riddle Me This!

I am alright now; much better than I have been in a very long time.

For the few of you who have been there for me when I was sulking down in the pits of depression, I'd like to thank you, I'm floating up now. I am alright.

You know how they say: "Once I found all the answers to life, they changed all the questions?" Well, I'm done searching for answers!

I used to think giving up is a sign of weakness, but I know better now.

There will always be things we can't explain, people we won't understand and problems that have no solutions!

I don't understand you, never have, and pretty sure I never will!

You don't understand me either, regardless of how hard I try to be transparent in every little thing I say or do!

To make matters more complicated, I don't understand myself when I'm with you: the pain I take, the humiliation you cause, the anger you nurture, the things I give up and the insecurity you spark...

It's like a riddle; a sick one may I add, with no real solution!

No books were written about those like you, no poems composed, no songs sung, no studies done... In your own way, you are one of a kind; every exception to every rule!

Like a shaky, rusty roller coaster ride which I need to risk my life for going on every single time!

I'm done with your riddles!

The Truth about Letting Go...

There's an old saying that goes: "If you love someone let them go, if they return they're forever yours".

Since I have been there, done that, wore the shirt and the cap, let me lay it out to you, oh so bluntly: this is pure nonsense!

If you're wondering how I came up with such a conclusion, I have three reasons to share with you:

1. If you love someone, you can not let them go in the first place! Letting go is a sign of cowardliness, weakness, surrender and even, more so, a twisted disguise for playing a game with something as sacred as love!
2. If you consider letting someone you love go, if they do, really, love you back, they will choose to stay! No one in love is capable of abandoning his/her lover by choice!
3. If, after all this, you do let the one you love go, trust me on this: you don't want him/her back if that ever happens! Once you are out of sight, mind and heart and other random partners enter the picture, you should not settle for someone who got bored and came back to you out of despair or just because no one else was able to tolerate his/her crap as you did!

Hoping these words make a difference in your life because love is too precious to be tampered with, placed on hold or be humiliated and mistreated!

All the best!

On a Monkey's Visa!

A short, yet somewhat insightful, piece of advice:

When you decide to visit a heart, with the intentions of residing there permanently if things were to go well, make sure you know what type visa you are given in order to enter the heart in question!

Believe you me, you don't want to end up getting a monkey's visa, going bananas for love and attention with no real, hopeful main dish to look forward to!

All the best!

They Lied!

As we were growing up, we learned how to view the world in our parents' eyes; they taught us right from wrong according to their perspective of things, they preached to us on what to do and what to avoid depending on their experiences in life.

The older I get, and the more people I meet along with the experiences I have with them, I realize that, yes: my parents drove me off the track; they lied!

It was a lie to convince me that when you do good, good things will happen to you in return; that rarely ever happens!
It was a lie to preach to me how bad things happen for a reason; most of the bad experiences in my life have no logical explanation!
It was a lie to teach me how to be truthful, leading me to believe that this is the only way to rightfully take what is yours; being truthful within a world of lies and deception makes you stupid and naive!
It was a lie to tell me that I can make myself into whatever I want and that is what matters; sometimes, no matter what you do, people still don't see you as "enough"!

They told many other lies, yet, the mother of all lies has to be that about love, its purity and how it repays you with more and more love; my heart's wounds won't heal and my soul aches! Love, in this time and place, brings nothing but pain!

Cheers to all the lies and to the painfully uncovered truths!

Main Dish: Scrambled Thoughts!

A peak into the randomness of my thoughts: "When your own words fail you, there's nothing to do but to take refuge in the words of others to express your ache!"

• Faced with the fear of loss and abandonment, and under the heavy influence of jealousy's claws, no lover resembles him/her self.
  
• The amount of love one feels when happily in love equates the amount of aggressiveness and loathing one feels when disappointed by that same love!
• When a lover feels the urge to torture his/her loved one, it is never an intentional torture, rather, a way to try and make the loved one feel the pain and ache boiling up inside!
• When in love, the man becomes the sultan, the master, the compass and even the weather forecast in a woman's life; she seizes to function normally upon his absence!
• The mobile has become our embodiment of the lover we crave; when its pulse vanishes, we fear and feel a silent assassination with a criminal intent!
• When in love, a woman wears, oh so naively, the waiting sweater and refuses to take it off! She also forbids any other man to unbutton that sweater!
• How can it be love if it has the power to pull you with its floods when it comes yet is also able to kill you from thirstiness when it goes away?
• Some men are like reptiles: they have the ability and the will to shed their past like dead skin, effortlessly, and easily replace it with another, never looking back!
  
• When suffering from a painfully absent love, you are living a delayed life, as if living someone else's life; you stop being the owner! You willfully choose to give up living the present rather than choosing to give up a possibility of a dream!

To the writer who inspired these words: Thank you, for I have lost my own words along the pain!