Sweat Drops...

I'm amazed, no, actually, I am bedazzled:

How could one bleed this much inside and still be alive? How could one sweat in the midst of the cold night? How could one lose sleep for many nights in a row? How could one scream to be heard, so loud, and yet no one can hear those screams? How could one be so lonely yet not choke from all the anger and pain swallowed, gulp by gulp, day by day?

I know what you're thinking: Come on! It's almost new year's! Cheer up, celebrate!

Hehe... Yeah, I know... I'm more bored with my sorrow than you are at this point. Therefore, if you're in a good mood, I urge you to leave this post now and go see a loved one, go out with friends, have a drink, hell, have a PARTY!

Otherwise, you are welcomed to be here, share my pain with me...

So, for those of you who decided to stay, allow me to let you in on a little secret: I think I am death proof! I think it's God's way of punishing me for whatever sins I have committed when I was younger, or maybe even in another life!

Leaving aside the emotional traumatizing accidents, the physical incidents which could have easily got me killed, all failed! And I'm still here!

So little food, so little sleep... And I'm still here!
Too much stress, problems and anger... And I'm still here!
Too little overrated happy moments stolen in time... And I'm still here!
Too much physical damage caused by my indefinite pain... And I'm still here!

ENOUGH!

To be continued... Or maybe not!

Strip Poker!

You called the game then called the shots: Strip poker it was!

Not that I don't mind nudity or enjoy it in any way, but as always, I let you lay down the rules and I promise to play by them to the last breath and whatever it takes!

Occasionally, you would change the rules and forget, but that was fine, as they say: "rules are meant to be broken!"

So we sat down, for many many months, and played your game, your way!

And the stripping began:

First round: I had to strip out of my ego; you made me feel bad about my past and the pain I was forced to go through while growing up - the same pain which made me stronger, more able to take care of you and a family one day.

But that was okay: ego is a cardinal sin after all!

Second round: I had to strip out of my pride; your conspiracy with everyone against my pride was really well planned out! I stopped caring about your insults and theirs, I took it all in, like a man, though I'm definitely not!

But that, too, was okay: pride is one of the seven deadly sins!

Third round: I had to strip out of my joy; the little happy girl inside shrunk into her cocoon and slowly yet surely, died a very silent death. (May God rest her soul)

Here, I started worrying, murder is a sin; you drove me to murder!

Fourth round: (I'm almost utterly naked and my skin is covered with over-hyped goosebumps) I had to strip out of my mind since staying there and playing this game after all those losses is simply and clearly INSANE!

Oh well, insanity is just a socially set construct.

Last round: With shame, I had to finally strip out of myself! My body no longer could hold me in because my soul became rotten with fear, anger and pain and my heart weakened with insults, broken words and too many lies...

Well, hard luck for me and... to you dearest... congrats: you have managed to take it all away!

Let's Make Love...

Come closer...

Bring your body close to mine...
Let your breath touch my neck and my heart shiver...
In the music we sway, our bodies in twine....
Make me become whole again, collect me sliver by sliver...

Come here...

Bring your warmth and cover us up...
Let your eyes indulge in me, let your hands find my curls...
In the night we are alone, as we drink from passion's cup...
Make me feel that you're my man and I'm your girl...

My teddy bear...

While I drench you in tears and wish you could understand,
While I tell you my fears, and hope you could hold my hand...

You, I and the wet tissues are here on this bed alone,
You have no soul to feel and I have no real haven or home...

The Unforgivables...

"Forgiveness is a virtue of the brave".~Indira Gandhi

Her soul is tired from carrying around all this deeply entrenched pain and dreadful memories of a voice so harsh, of a word so humiliating, of an act so unkind, of a look so hollow, of a love never returned and of a promise so unfulfilled.

In her mind she stumbles with the thoughts passing by of the places she had been, the people she had met, the chaos she had undergone...

Somewhere inside of her existence, she feels she needs to forgive. She needs to be brave and allow all this pain to wither away with forgiveness...

Yet, she knows, she can not forgive what she can not forget; as long as the wound is fresh, it will keep bleeding and though the past is the past, it did not heal yet with the help of the poking and the scratching that "all of them" impose!

The unsettled childhood, the messed up teenage years, the love which was never appreciated, the things she had lost, the nights she had cried, the pain which she endured alone, the longing for a warm touch on the face, the yearning for a sincere embrace... All of these and many more, deeply rooted somewhere she can't reach to pull out or even trim!

Would you mind telling her: How could she forgive the uncalled for pain? How could she find it in her heart to refrain herself from HATING or HURTING those who placed her in the corner of despair, intentionally?

A Hesitant Suicide Note...

A while back, around 4 or 5 years ago, I remember writing a suicide note. I know what you're thinking: "Crazy!" It's your opinion. So maybe I am, maybe I'm not.

Come to think of it, the funny and equally ironic thing about that suicide note, which I remember very clearly now, as if I wrote it a couple of days ago, is the reason why I decided to write that note: A state of overwhelming happiness and safety, one which I was scared that this cruel life would steal away from me!

That suicide note explained the bliss and serenity I felt and how terrifying the thought of losing all that I had, all that I felt and the love that grew inside of me then, due to something out of my control!

Today, as I stand here trembling with fear of the mere thought of having to be threatened, humiliated, rejected, abandoned and marginalized, I think I have reached a new point of surrender: a point of no return...

It is one thing to die while your in love and your loved in return, happy, blissful and satisfied. However, it's another thing to die because your body began to cave in and fall apart, your mind is almost numb from negative thoughts and your heart is weak and feeble from the pain you are put through, day after day, and with no true reason of why this is all happening!

Lies, lies and more lies!

Deception, deception and more of it to come!

Ignorance, selfishness, carelessness...

Inflated ego, weak personalities, chains and no saws!

Now, after I thought this through, I surrender: I planned it all and prepared for the final scene...

I am finally relieved!

The clock is ticking and soon, it will be all over; for I have been all I can be and did all I can do for a big fat "NOTHING"!

May this soul of mine finally rest in peace...

P.S: For all of you out there who contributed to this final scene: May you get exactly what you deserve in life. You mocked my pain but your time must and will come.

Riddle Me This!

I am alright now; much better than I have been in a very long time.

For the few of you who have been there for me when I was sulking down in the pits of depression, I'd like to thank you, I'm floating up now. I am alright.

You know how they say: "Once I found all the answers to life, they changed all the questions?" Well, I'm done searching for answers!

I used to think giving up is a sign of weakness, but I know better now.

There will always be things we can't explain, people we won't understand and problems that have no solutions!

I don't understand you, never have, and pretty sure I never will!

You don't understand me either, regardless of how hard I try to be transparent in every little thing I say or do!

To make matters more complicated, I don't understand myself when I'm with you: the pain I take, the humiliation you cause, the anger you nurture, the things I give up and the insecurity you spark...

It's like a riddle; a sick one may I add, with no real solution!

No books were written about those like you, no poems composed, no songs sung, no studies done... In your own way, you are one of a kind; every exception to every rule!

Like a shaky, rusty roller coaster ride which I need to risk my life for going on every single time!

I'm done with your riddles!

The Truth about Letting Go...

There's an old saying that goes: "If you love someone let them go, if they return they're forever yours".

Since I have been there, done that, wore the shirt and the cap, let me lay it out to you, oh so bluntly: this is pure nonsense!

If you're wondering how I came up with such a conclusion, I have three reasons to share with you:

1. If you love someone, you can not let them go in the first place! Letting go is a sign of cowardliness, weakness, surrender and even, more so, a twisted disguise for playing a game with something as sacred as love!
2. If you consider letting someone you love go, if they do, really, love you back, they will choose to stay! No one in love is capable of abandoning his/her lover by choice!
3. If, after all this, you do let the one you love go, trust me on this: you don't want him/her back if that ever happens! Once you are out of sight, mind and heart and other random partners enter the picture, you should not settle for someone who got bored and came back to you out of despair or just because no one else was able to tolerate his/her crap as you did!

Hoping these words make a difference in your life because love is too precious to be tampered with, placed on hold or be humiliated and mistreated!

All the best!

On a Monkey's Visa!

A short, yet somewhat insightful, piece of advice:

When you decide to visit a heart, with the intentions of residing there permanently if things were to go well, make sure you know what type visa you are given in order to enter the heart in question!

Believe you me, you don't want to end up getting a monkey's visa, going bananas for love and attention with no real, hopeful main dish to look forward to!

All the best!

They Lied!

As we were growing up, we learned how to view the world in our parents' eyes; they taught us right from wrong according to their perspective of things, they preached to us on what to do and what to avoid depending on their experiences in life.

The older I get, and the more people I meet along with the experiences I have with them, I realize that, yes: my parents drove me off the track; they lied!

It was a lie to convince me that when you do good, good things will happen to you in return; that rarely ever happens!
It was a lie to preach to me how bad things happen for a reason; most of the bad experiences in my life have no logical explanation!
It was a lie to teach me how to be truthful, leading me to believe that this is the only way to rightfully take what is yours; being truthful within a world of lies and deception makes you stupid and naive!
It was a lie to tell me that I can make myself into whatever I want and that is what matters; sometimes, no matter what you do, people still don't see you as "enough"!

They told many other lies, yet, the mother of all lies has to be that about love, its purity and how it repays you with more and more love; my heart's wounds won't heal and my soul aches! Love, in this time and place, brings nothing but pain!

Cheers to all the lies and to the painfully uncovered truths!

Main Dish: Scrambled Thoughts!

A peak into the randomness of my thoughts: "When your own words fail you, there's nothing to do but to take refuge in the words of others to express your ache!"

• Faced with the fear of loss and abandonment, and under the heavy influence of jealousy's claws, no lover resembles him/her self.
  
• The amount of love one feels when happily in love equates the amount of aggressiveness and loathing one feels when disappointed by that same love!
• When a lover feels the urge to torture his/her loved one, it is never an intentional torture, rather, a way to try and make the loved one feel the pain and ache boiling up inside!
• When in love, the man becomes the sultan, the master, the compass and even the weather forecast in a woman's life; she seizes to function normally upon his absence!
• The mobile has become our embodiment of the lover we crave; when its pulse vanishes, we fear and feel a silent assassination with a criminal intent!
• When in love, a woman wears, oh so naively, the waiting sweater and refuses to take it off! She also forbids any other man to unbutton that sweater!
• How can it be love if it has the power to pull you with its floods when it comes yet is also able to kill you from thirstiness when it goes away?
• Some men are like reptiles: they have the ability and the will to shed their past like dead skin, effortlessly, and easily replace it with another, never looking back!
  
• When suffering from a painfully absent love, you are living a delayed life, as if living someone else's life; you stop being the owner! You willfully choose to give up living the present rather than choosing to give up a possibility of a dream!

To the writer who inspired these words: Thank you, for I have lost my own words along the pain!

Running Out of Words & Time...

With echoes of the words, from the book I'm currently reading, bouncing off the walls of my tired mind, I search for my own words... And in the midst of the storms that smash and destroy my peace, there is a silence of words, for they have taken refuge in hiding somewhere that I can't seem to find!

The last time I wrote, I could clearly pin point every word that I wanted to say, I could see it, feel it, smell it, taste it, and even touch it, right before I poured it out, with a fragment of my aching soul, into a piece of writing, that was able to help me find serenity again...

Yet now, I feel the choke of the words within my thoughts... Scrambled thoughts anyone? I'm sure they would make a hell of a Mediterranean dish; one which many men out there are sure to enjoy!

I have tried, believe me, to place my finger upon the bleeding wounds of my heart, to cut off the bleeding... The wounds were too many and I only have ten fingers!

I have also tried to pull out this pain, by its deepest roots, from my life... The roots were so deeply entrenched within my life creating a risk of pulling out my life along with it!

I tried to fight, to be calm, to shout, to rationalize, to cry, to rebel, to be everything I can be and do anything I can do... The problem still remains with no cure: like HIV, weakening my immune system to the point of helpless surrender!

Then, there is this sickening feeling of craving a touch on the face, an embrace for the longing body, a whisper of sweet word of love... But they never come, and the stomach grumbles from hunger, while the body aches from abandonment and the ears bleed from the silence!

My words... I see them now and after them I run... Their endurance beats mine... I'm broken and I ache... They disappear again...

When life shrinks down to work, pain, longing and unfulfilled needs, it becomes death, a living one with a beating heart refusing to just stop!

I want this pain to end, for I no longer can live this death inside of me!