Trapped in Limbo...

In my own mind, I wake up trapped,
Just like I did when I fell asleep...
The world is a movie that I watch while wrapped,
In endless thoughts that scream and weep!

Like a leafless tree I stand tall yet clueless,
Wondering what the next step should be...
Every solution I produce turns out to be useless,
And every one around me is too blind to see!

In my own heart, there are a billion questions,
About love, hope, family, life and chances...
I try hard to answer it back with empty suggestions,
Avoiding its doubtful and attacking glances!

Like a headless bird I fly, with no direction,
Aiming towards something I don't even know!
Needing more than warmth; purer protection,
Like a little girl, lost in the big white snow!

Stuck in limbo, been there for years now,
Every shore I reach seems like a trap!
To life's unfunny tricks I give a fat bow,
While I count every disappointment and mishap!

Outside My Plain Old Door!

Life so carelessly continues outside my plain, old, wooden door,

It seems like I have been locked up in here longer than time!
The voices of those on the other side haunt me; too loud to ignore,
And the memory train follows me with thoughts not so sublime!

I have been down this road before, yet every time the pain is in a unique form,
The way my heart aches change: worn, broken, battered and sometimes torn!
It's like a summer with an infinite scorching sun, a winter with an endless storm,
Just like an infant who was never really made, conceived, or was actually born!

Decisions need to be made but my head feels light; bordering insanity,
Losing control of the steering wheel; can't see ahead, can't see the sides!
Running away from nothing and everything; fighting for my humanity,
Dipping into the shallow ends of the sea yet unable to survive the tides!

If I was a red rose; I'd be brown and wilted with burdens by now,
Yet somehow I manage to seem as if everything is just alright!
I take the slaps to my face, I take the blows and survive them somehow,
I tremble and fall and get up again trying to make it to the light!

Yet the light gets dimmer, the battery seems to be running out,
The tunnel seems to be getting longer and the car is low on gas!
I have so much but I lack what I can never do without,
And you expect me to believe that: "This too shall pass"?

Room 602

Words... Don't they ever end?
&
Silence... Doesn't it ever get bored?
&
Thoughts: Millions of them, hovering around my squeamish head...

An empty soul & a full head: A great recipe for suicide!

Yet...
It never ends. It seems like it never will...

This whore we call life" breathing, hurting, breaking, taking...

Then the night falls, and a new day follows but things are the same yet different...

A cycle, a step, a tear.
&
Loss: of self, of being, of identity, in a forest of absolute nothingness...

Do You Not See Your Selfishness?

"Do You Not See Your Selfishness"? he asked, as the physical pain ripped her guts apart...
How dare she wake him from his dear sleep just to plead for a temporary cure?
How could she bring herself to dial his number where there was a slight chance that he could be sleeping?

The audacity - What a bitch!

Generals, dinners, dogs, pools, bikes, new adventures, moments lost in time, and all the other crap. They are worth more.

How low could she go? Comparing herself to a dog?

Self righteous excuse for a human being - that is what she became!

It is interesting how small our world feels when we are in contempt of the "heart court" in question.

It is even more interesting how human lives become almost insignificant when facing those with no heart, common sense or even sympathy.

Escape? That is one solution. But what about the memories? Can they escape you as well? Or will they only follow you, like your ugly shadow, wherever you go.

How ugly is a human being with no dignity, even if it was unwillingly stripped away from under his feet throughout the course of 3 degrading years!

Forgiveness? Overrated.

Love? An obsolete concept.

Loyalty? Who cares!

When the wheels of misfortune turn, the results will be painful for all participators.

And then what? You hear the news that your precious dream might never come true and you cry and you try to find a shoulder to lean on. All the good shoulders are taken, broken or have no bones!

You cry some more. You still breath, move, and think. You are still alive on the outside. No hope for you on the inside because you yourself feel lifeless.

You dream of a better day. Which reminds me of a next topic: Dreams should be illegal! Illusions, fake hope and an optimistic highway. Just like booze and drugs.

How foolish we are to believe in dreams. And in change as well.

Change? Nothing changes. Nothing at all: except maybe your perception of things after you have been beaten down, broken sideways and pulled apart. Only after you have lost your vision of right and wrong, does change come in and pounce on you!

Reality? Well, reality is real and you are stuck with it! Better make the best out of it! Simply accept what you are and make it your goal to find out what kind of dish you are going to cook for your husband tonight, or just let go of it and live in your illusions. The former is advisable!

To be continued.

I Used to Call for Breast Equality!

"It's too hot, I can't breathe", she replied with a muffled whisper while holding her tears of frustration down to the grounds of her worn-out mind.

All the empty and loaded thoughts that circulated her sleep-deprived being were knocking hard on her memories' doors, waking them up from a deep sleep; just like a mystic monster awaking from his winter's hibernation.

This was like no other time for the simple reason that: For once, things were really supposed to be different! In a movie, this would have been the part where the happy music would begin to play in the background, where the cloud-shadowed sun would come through and the kids would run with laughter on their little blessed faces!

But it was not. Just because movies are not real. Simple as that.

If I were to begin to try and explain to you the attack of my disappointed mind, you would not understand. You would probably begin to give me a lecture about optimism, looking forward and suggest the glass theory to me. Some of you might even start so selfishly share your way of handling these kind of attacks - as if any of these really ever happened to you!

Which brings me to my next point: How do people convince themselves that they "know what you are going through"? It takes a lot of guts I tell you, and a little bit of ignorance as well, if I may say, to prescribe a cure for a pain that is unimaginable to those living with hollow hearts.

I missed writing, I really did. I missed it and feared going back to it at the same time. You see, for someone like me who uses words to vent, it is a scary thought that even after writing, I still feel bad and need further ventilation! There is also this fear of not getting it right: forgetting my trail of thoughts, diverting into a million topics (just like I'm doing now) or simply - again - not satisfying whoever stumbles upon this post!

Moving on...

Let's talk about emotions; you know those some are loaded with while others lack completely. You know what astonishes me? Emotions are like breasts: they come in different sizes, colors and shapes and their results vary from one person to another. I used to call for breast equality, now I believe I would be more than satisfied with emotional equality!

The end... for now.

Reds, Blacks & Whites...

Reds, blacks and whites are the colors I see; no greens, no blues and no grays!

I open my eyes every morning and wait for my mind to quit the games it plays!

For a heart that never was cured is a burden and lips that are sealed are a pain,
And every time I move forward one step, I trip and fall to gracefully bite the grain!

However, and regardless, I keep my chin up and pull my cheeks to form a smile,
And wait, so impatiently, for something different to come along & make this life worthwhile!

I gave up on words, so long ago, words that others utter to my ears to hear,
I can't handle more disappointments from those who are close and dear!

I want to see colors again, like a rainbow, I want my soul to sing out loud,
I want the light to enter my heart, I want to somehow fit in the crowd!

Wrong Breeds More Wrong...

From the very beginning, it was all wrong; everything we did,

You were never pure and I was never cured;
Your present was blemished and my past was still aching...

From the very moment I laid my eyes on you, I was broken,
You never wished to heal me,
You never tried to change; your heart refused to awaken...

From the very first kiss, my heart was another number,
Just like all the others you kept,
On your shelves and in your drawers; you lead me to my own hating!

Slowly yet skillfully, you pealed off my confidence,
Then it was time to slice up my pride,
Using your "morphinic" lies to mascaraed my pain; into and out of fainting...

A trophy was my love to you; something all wanted but only you could get...
Your ego grew, my happiness quivered, you knew you won the bet...

A coward hiding behind closed doors, in basements and farms, like a predator waiting for the next gull!
With your fake promises piercing through my ears and penetrating my shedding skull!

Oh yes you deserve it: an award for mutilating the purest of hearts,
Karma will come back to take care of you; your ends and your starts!

The WaterLine...

I just sit there and let my thoughts rise above my hate for your injustice,

Blessed are those who, like you, are damned with the the sin of carelessness...

It's a losing battle, a lame cause, those empty hollow moments we steal and share,
Cause at the end of the day, the waterline is rising, and all we do is just stand there!

The water reaches our ankles as the chills climb up our spineless spines,
I can still hear the tears bounce off the surface, I can hear the shouts and whines!

Your real need for detachment used to fit my aching need for attachment, and I stayed,
The strings of my soul you pushed and pulled, with my heart you flipped and played!

The water reaches our hips, it's getting cold while you stand there, no embrace to warm my trembles,
I fumble with the memories of how you sullied me and drove me to a pain which nothing resembles!

Your love was a lie, a hiccup in the calendar of your days, and you chose to mess me up,
You held my head tilted to the back, opened my mouth and poured in poison from your cup!

The water is touching our necks now, I know that I'll drown first, it's simple: I'm shorter,
You hold me close, threatening eyes warning me not to swim away, a grin like a mortar!

Into my nose the water creeps and I lose awareness; I can't feel my feet,
Our story ends, right there, as we drift with the waterline down the street!

A Note to My Readers...

Allow me to begin this post by saying: "I regret that pain has taught me nothing..." and I mean it.

But that's besides the point now.

When I look at the previous events of my life, I can't help but wonder: What have all the people around me been doing to make this better? The answer is: they have been judging me!

When I first started this blog, back in May 2006, my purpose was to express feelings, (anger, pain, sorrow, happiness) and share stories in a way that would help cure me and help me get over whatever negative emotions I went through.

Day by day, this blog became a persecution site! Whether you knew me or not, you found this blog as a way to read my sins, study my pain, and sue me for them!

I think it is my right to take it back now. So again, here is what I will say, and I hope you really hear me out this time:

My blog is my best friend, you have no right to take it away from me!

Therefore, taking into consideration the aforementioned elements, you either choose to read what I write to better understand me and maybe even shield yourself from going through my pain, read it to waste time or enjoy the use of words, or just, please, don't read it at all if just for persecution purposes!

YOU don't know me.
YOU don't know why I write or whom I write about.
YOU don't have the right to take this away from me.

Thank you.

10 Signs of One Sided Love...

I don't claim to be a relationship expert and I also don't claim to have answers for the many questions that run around in my own head! But, to have been really in love, and to have suffered loss, can help one reach certain conclusions that neither books nor studies can result in!

Therefore, and for today's post, I choose to present you with my opinion on the 10 signs that prove, beyond a reasonable doubt, that the love you feel for your partner is one sided, thus, coming to an end real soon!

1. Continuous Disappointments: Whether you have had dinner plans or just agreed to talk on the phone, if your partner constantly misses out on those plans claiming: he lost his phone, he fell asleep, he was busy playing PS2, he couldn't talk, he lost his keys, he was caught up with the family, then you must know he doesn't really care!
2. Careless Attitude: If your tears mean nothing, if your pleads merely tickle his ears, if your fights never register, if he can easily shut you off and fall into his "beauty" sleep, you should know: he doesn't love you!
   
3. Lies and Half Truths: Once your partner begins lying to you or telling you half truths, your relationship is going down hill, destination: its doom! If someone loves you, they would not lie to you, they would not bring you half stories claiming that they are "protecting you"!
4. Advising You to Be with Another: Yes my friends, some men (and women) might actually suggest or even insist that their partner should date another and try being happy with him/her instead of growing some guts and fighting for the love they "have"! Therefore, love in this case id non existent!
   
5. Putting You on Standby: When your partner uses you as a free-time filler, nothing more, nothing less, plays you by calling you when he is bored, asking to see you when all other plans ended, don't kid yourself, he doesn't love you!
6. Keeping You a Secret: Let's assume you are a girl of 27 dating a guy of 32, you are not kids anymore and you don't really need to hide that relationship because you are supposed to be mature, decisive adults. Now, if your partner decides to hide you and keep you as a secret claiming that his parents won't approve, he doesn't love you! Seeing you after people have gone to bed and when the darkness has fallen to cover your faces while your roam the streets hidden in the car means he does not want others to know you exist: more options for him to seek and pursue!
7. A Partner in Need is a Partner Indeed: If you need to see or speak with your partner for any reason you deem important, he should respect that need. If he can not be there for you, to support you, hell, to take you to the hospital when you're home alone and there's no one to take care of you, be real: he doesn't love you!
8. Pushing You Out: A partner is supposed to let you in, keep you updated on his future plans, share with you his joys and his worries. If your partners pushes you out and doesn't include you in any of his thoughts, he doesn't love you, or even care!
9. Poisoned Words with No Actions: You have all heard the saying: "Actions speak louder than words" yet, I'm sure, many of you out there just take in the poisoned words of love and ignore action, that's ok. However, there is a certain limit to words and if you are just getting words, my friends you are being manipulated and trust me, you are not loved!
10. Being Far Down in the List: Loving someone makes them a priority to you, maybe not your first since some would say food and sleep are, but at least they would hold number 3, 4 or 5 in your priorities' list. If you find yourself lingering in one of the last few places in your partner's list, right after the dog and before finding another, you are not loved!

Love is supposed to bring you happiness and safety, make you forget the painful moments of the life you had lived before love and give you hope for a better day ahead. Love does not vow to logic and is not held back by what people think and what they force. Only true love can get you places. Only true love can open up doors for you and create "miracles". Only true love can make you feel the other's pain and give you tips on how to deal with him/her.

When you are in love, you would do anything to make the person you love happy. You will make sure they get what they need from you, you would fear for their lives and happiness equally.

There are ups and downs but nothing your two-sided faith in love can't fix or cure! However, one sided love will lead you to nothing but pain, anger, frustration to a point where you will lose yourself and end up being fragile, empty and hollow.

I hope that, unlike me, you have a better chance in love cause at this moment, I feel broken down to pieces with no hope of being stitched back together any time soon....

And remember: there's an art for manipulation... Be sure not to be fooled by it!

Another Night...

One too many nights have come by, knocked at my hope's door, and simply, just like a dream, gone away... and he didn't show...

Last night was no different...

To better suit my disappointment and his absence, I rearranged the night, the room, the setting and the general ambiance...

Once again, I put out his candles and turned on the lights; trying to overcome the darkness, which lingered there, too dusky to comprehend!

Once again, the scent of the perfume wrapping the body evaporated into nothingness and the silkiness of the skin was only felt by the cold, senile sheets...

Once again, the eagerness turned into a marriage of longing and craving with anger and vexation...

Curtains down.. The night folds, and another morning forces itself upon me...

I hold the 2 coloring pencils; I use one to draw a pinkish shadowed smile on my lips and the with the other a fading dimple on the inner side of the cheeks, and head out to yet another day, followed by yet another night...

Replace Me...

There are billions of females out there,
Go ahead: replace me...

There are a thousand reasons for you to go,
After you, but face me!

There are a hundred blames you can lay on me,
Let your claims embrace me!

There are tens of tears you can drain from my soul,
And with your strings, lace me!

But there is only one heart you can break,
Then from your heart, erase me!

This Shall Not Pass...

January 4th, 2009

You played my heart like a pendulum; up and down you played,
You sold my love for cheap, as the pain inside me swayed!

You broke my soul to pieces; to fractures you shattered my soul,
You strangled my hopes with wounding words and stood laughing through it all!

You crossed the lines too many times; all the lines I drew you crossed,
Accusing, demanding, eluding and faking, and my emotions you bossed!

But this shall not pass…
I’m not the one you use…
Yeah, this will not pass…
My heart you will no longer abuse…
No, this shall not pass…
This time I will turn around…
No, this shall not pass…
Don’t try to speak, don’t utter a sound…

I tried so hard to tell you, I begged you to listen to what I have to say:
“My love to you is very strong yet you’re crumbling it all away!”

I held on to you tightly; tightly I held on as your thrones cut me deep,
A beautiful flower of a kind you were; one which was hard to keep!

I inhaled my sorrow and sips of your venom in my veins I soaked in,
I watched myself hinder away, I saw you stare, I saw you grin!

But this shall not pass…
It’s like calling me by her name…
Yeah, this will not pass…
I know I’m the one to blame…
No, this shall not pass…
This masquerade must stop…
No, this shall not pass…
Before you grip me to the last drop…

You and I Are Two....

Picture by: Beirut Abu Hdaib

P.S: Again this is neither dedicated to nor inspired by anyone is specific...

You and I are two:

Never will we be one...
If you are the moon, I won't be your guiding sun...
If you pause to think, I will continue to run...
If you plan to leave, then it's all said and done!

You and I are two:

Never will we be together...
If you stay here, it has to be a little less than forever,
If you break my soul, I will take it never...
If you think you know it all, I am way too clever!

You and I are two:

I can be sad and you might be blue,
I might ache inside but I won't reach out to you,
You might falter and only then will I see you through...

You and I are two:

Broken from the world outside,
Drowning anger that we try to hide,
You faked a lot but I never lied...

You and I are two:

Walking together or walking alone,
Heart so tender and heart of stone,
True intentions revealed and shown!

You and I are two:

Maybe we could have been one united,
Maybe the darkness of night we may have lighted,
Maybe a new feeling we could have ignited!

You and I are two:

I am me and you are you,
You are happy and I am blue,
Though I was always being true!

You and I are two:

Never will there be a story,
Of love with pride and glory,
Your dagger in my heart will always be gory!

You and I are two:

Drink your pain away,
While I suffer with my dismay,
And the movie of our ending in my head continues to play...

Nothing Used to Matter...

Nothing used to matter...
Being with you whether it was scorching hot or freezing cold,
As long as your arms were there for me to hold...

Nothing used to matter...
Seeing you every day or whenever suites you well,
As long as my words of love for you I have time to tell...

Nothing used to matter...
The shaken pride, the anger you brought and the stupid fights,
As long as I could have your voice embrace me through the nights...

Nothing used to matter...
The things you made me give up for a promise that was a lie,
As long as I never had to hear you say "good bye"!

Nothing used to matter...
Knowing you won't ever love me as much or care like I do,
As long as you smile, I didn't mind being down and blue!

Nothing used to matter...
The past you held on to in gifts, pictures and calls,
Being locked so deep inside these hollow walls,
You never being there to shelter my falls...

Nothing used to matter...
But now it all does and it always will,
How you shoved my love for you down the hill,
My heart is broken now, here's the hospital bill! :P