The Pain Chart!

For almost everything in life, there is a chart. Charts, simply pit, are graphical representations of information which allow us and others to understand the subject at hand more clearly through visuals.

Therefore, I wonder now, can matters of the heart be put into a chart and explained for dimwits who lack the ability to see and for ourselves to be able to see better?

Think about this:

A pain chart... Where would your pain rank?

Way at the top, or down under the last name,
How would the pain you feel rank today?
Add to that your loss of interest in the "game",
And people's desire to hurt and to play!

Although dwarfed by chaos and death,
Your pain remains alive and well,
You're out of fights and out of breath,
Degraded, jaded, invaded cell by cell!

Who can you compare to on the pain chart?
How can one measure matters of the heart?

"Damn the pain, and damn the chart!
Now that you and I are forever apart!"

Inspired by a fellow writer, and a friend...

Outside My Plain Old Door!

Life so carelessly continues outside my plain, old, wooden door,

It seems like I have been locked up in here longer than time!
The voices of those on the other side haunt me; too loud to ignore,
And the memory train follows me with thoughts not so sublime!

I have been down this road before, yet every time the pain is in a unique form,
The way my heart aches change: worn, broken, battered and sometimes torn!
It's like a summer with an infinite scorching sun, a winter with an endless storm,
Just like an infant who was never really made, conceived, or was actually born!

Decisions need to be made but my head feels light; bordering insanity,
Losing control of the steering wheel; can't see ahead, can't see the sides!
Running away from nothing and everything; fighting for my humanity,
Dipping into the shallow ends of the sea yet unable to survive the tides!

If I was a red rose; I'd be brown and wilted with burdens by now,
Yet somehow I manage to seem as if everything is just alright!
I take the slaps to my face, I take the blows and survive them somehow,
I tremble and fall and get up again trying to make it to the light!

Yet the light gets dimmer, the battery seems to be running out,
The tunnel seems to be getting longer and the car is low on gas!
I have so much but I lack what I can never do without,
And you expect me to believe that: "This too shall pass"?

Execrable!

I, so naively, thought that I could go on without this blog!

I thought that I was strong - or maybe just sane - enough to take the execrable situations, that I am repeatedly forced into, and make something good out of them, without the need to vent by writing; you know, tackle each problem and solve it as I go!

Sadly though, I was painfully wrong - just like many other times where I thought I knew better!

Am I a changed person since the last post I wrote and published here? I believe so.
Do I like this new person I am now? For the most part, maybe yes, but when it comes to the important part of me, the part that thrives on great feelings, passion, and all this crap, the answer is NO!

"They" are there as a constant reminder that this will not be easy! Their little conspiracy theories, their lack of commitment, their lies, their schemes, and all other negative things they bring into my days and burden my soul with, they are all so hard to shake off!

"She" never stops the blame... Every single day... Never satisfied with anything I do or say; never willing to give me some space to breath!

Breath! God, I miss breathing: taking long, deep breaths and feeling better... It has been so long since I really felt better!

"He" never seizes to amaze me with the audacity he so proudly carries onto his personality, wearing it as a coat to cover his weary bones and a cat to warm his tired mind!

And yes, I am tired... And I do ache...

But what is different now?

I gave up... I gave up on people and I gave up on trying. I have no more faith in anyone or anything and I live, day by day, never looking forward to anything and always holding my head to the front not to look back... But that's it! A mere, shallow and futile existence; no one is worth it!

And to all of you out there, whom I've written a few letters to the past few months, you sadly proved to me how well-deserved each word I wrote about you was and I hope that one day life will teach you how pain can scar, the way you did me...

Regards...