Main Dish: Scrambled Thoughts!

A peak into the randomness of my thoughts: "When your own words fail you, there's nothing to do but to take refuge in the words of others to express your ache!"

• Faced with the fear of loss and abandonment, and under the heavy influence of jealousy's claws, no lover resembles him/her self.
  
• The amount of love one feels when happily in love equates the amount of aggressiveness and loathing one feels when disappointed by that same love!
• When a lover feels the urge to torture his/her loved one, it is never an intentional torture, rather, a way to try and make the loved one feel the pain and ache boiling up inside!
• When in love, the man becomes the sultan, the master, the compass and even the weather forecast in a woman's life; she seizes to function normally upon his absence!
• The mobile has become our embodiment of the lover we crave; when its pulse vanishes, we fear and feel a silent assassination with a criminal intent!
• When in love, a woman wears, oh so naively, the waiting sweater and refuses to take it off! She also forbids any other man to unbutton that sweater!
• How can it be love if it has the power to pull you with its floods when it comes yet is also able to kill you from thirstiness when it goes away?
• Some men are like reptiles: they have the ability and the will to shed their past like dead skin, effortlessly, and easily replace it with another, never looking back!
  
• When suffering from a painfully absent love, you are living a delayed life, as if living someone else's life; you stop being the owner! You willfully choose to give up living the present rather than choosing to give up a possibility of a dream!

To the writer who inspired these words: Thank you, for I have lost my own words along the pain!

Running Out of Words & Time...

With echoes of the words, from the book I'm currently reading, bouncing off the walls of my tired mind, I search for my own words... And in the midst of the storms that smash and destroy my peace, there is a silence of words, for they have taken refuge in hiding somewhere that I can't seem to find!

The last time I wrote, I could clearly pin point every word that I wanted to say, I could see it, feel it, smell it, taste it, and even touch it, right before I poured it out, with a fragment of my aching soul, into a piece of writing, that was able to help me find serenity again...

Yet now, I feel the choke of the words within my thoughts... Scrambled thoughts anyone? I'm sure they would make a hell of a Mediterranean dish; one which many men out there are sure to enjoy!

I have tried, believe me, to place my finger upon the bleeding wounds of my heart, to cut off the bleeding... The wounds were too many and I only have ten fingers!

I have also tried to pull out this pain, by its deepest roots, from my life... The roots were so deeply entrenched within my life creating a risk of pulling out my life along with it!

I tried to fight, to be calm, to shout, to rationalize, to cry, to rebel, to be everything I can be and do anything I can do... The problem still remains with no cure: like HIV, weakening my immune system to the point of helpless surrender!

Then, there is this sickening feeling of craving a touch on the face, an embrace for the longing body, a whisper of sweet word of love... But they never come, and the stomach grumbles from hunger, while the body aches from abandonment and the ears bleed from the silence!

My words... I see them now and after them I run... Their endurance beats mine... I'm broken and I ache... They disappear again...

When life shrinks down to work, pain, longing and unfulfilled needs, it becomes death, a living one with a beating heart refusing to just stop!

I want this pain to end, for I no longer can live this death inside of me!

His True Colors...

Feeling absolute nothingness, she set her mind to write yet another piece dedicated to her silently bleeding heart...

"I owe my heart at least this much, " she thought...

With steady, slimming fingers she typed her thoughts away:

Like echos of a memory never lived, his name faintly murmurs in my head,
His words lost the power to touch my soul, they trigger the anger in me instead...

His true colors were that of a lizard; changing to suit the time and place,
Emotionless to the world outside himself, signed with "liar" across the face!

He tricked me into losing what was rightfully mine, swearing a better day would be,
He made me believe all this pain will eventually be the reason to set us both, together, free!

The chances lost, the time wasted, the tears shed, for a forever I took in and waited,
Yet little by little there were no more lies to tell me and the trust and love all faded!

When I think of him now, my stomach curls and my body sickens with disbelief,
How could he have been the one to steal my life, lie, falsify, cheat and deceive?

I gave him many chances; not one, neither two nor three, he chose to screw it all,
I tried to wait for him to hold my hand, he chose to kick me down to my fall!

It's time now to take it all back; the confidence and the love, give them to someone new,
I hope God will deprive him all the things he took from me, I hope he's placed in my shoe!

Now & Then: Realizations & Confessions...

You were a touch of a sun's ray upon my chest your warmth would lay,

You were a kiss from an angel's lips, a dance with a never ending sway...

You were an overwhelming scent of fresh green grass and acres of meadows,
You were the building that stood there tall, blinding me from all the shadows...

You were the smile in my eyes, the tenderness that soothed the sighs...
You were the path for a better day, the truth that wiped all the lies!

You were a night whisper in my ears; your words would lay my to sleep,
You were a tingling sensation, a bundle of happy moments that I tried to keep!

Yet, the way I see you now is different...

You are the choke that so delightfully sits in my throat, restricting my air!
You are the itch that I can't reach to scratch, the sting that I can't bear!

You are the spineless creature which lurks in the darkness to bring more pain,
You are the self absorbed witless boy who beats me down again and again!

You are confused with illusions of lust and material; you can't see through,
You care for nothing but your sick desires, you have eyes for only you!

You are a worthless excuse for a man, though the needed organs are there,
You are a loaded bag of excuses, using the right one to act as if you care!

You did me wrong...

You had no right to fuss and to fight, to give me hope that we might,
You had no clue of what I could do when my anger wills to smite!

You thought I was helpless, the chains of your love would hold me back,
You lost control along the way but I took the steering and I'm back on track!

You hide behind the phone lines, you hide because your cowardliness is deep!
You blame others for your idleness, you have no soul able to feel or weep!

You pitiful little thing; soaked in hollowness; as nutless as could ever be!
Shame on you for fooling me once, but for the other times: SHAME ON ME!

P.S: I hate you...

The WaterLine...

I just sit there and let my thoughts rise above my hate for your injustice,

Blessed are those who, like you, are damned with the the sin of carelessness...

It's a losing battle, a lame cause, those empty hollow moments we steal and share,
Cause at the end of the day, the waterline is rising, and all we do is just stand there!

The water reaches our ankles as the chills climb up our spineless spines,
I can still hear the tears bounce off the surface, I can hear the shouts and whines!

Your real need for detachment used to fit my aching need for attachment, and I stayed,
The strings of my soul you pushed and pulled, with my heart you flipped and played!

The water reaches our hips, it's getting cold while you stand there, no embrace to warm my trembles,
I fumble with the memories of how you sullied me and drove me to a pain which nothing resembles!

Your love was a lie, a hiccup in the calendar of your days, and you chose to mess me up,
You held my head tilted to the back, opened my mouth and poured in poison from your cup!

The water is touching our necks now, I know that I'll drown first, it's simple: I'm shorter,
You hold me close, threatening eyes warning me not to swim away, a grin like a mortar!

Into my nose the water creeps and I lose awareness; I can't feel my feet,
Our story ends, right there, as we drift with the waterline down the street!

On Your Birthday...

I wish you didn't hate me now as much as you did a few years ago,

I wish you'd want for me to stay around rather than push me to go!

I heard the news last night, a special day it was for you (and me too);
Your birthday they all celebrated with smiles and wishes so true!

I wish I could have been there with you and amongst those who care,
I ached and chocked with tears because that day with you I couldn't share!

Yet, I didn't dare to call or be part of this happiness with you,
You would have hang up on my trials again, leaving me so blue!

So while thinking of a gift that will suit well this story's essence,
I thought I will simply bless you with my absolute and utter absence!

Happy Birthday Dear....

Please... No More!

Tears burning tired eyes of brown,
I wake up with an aching frown...

Tiny icicles scratching my throat to muteness: I can't speak,
I hate it when you make me feel this fragile and weak!

Thoughts of black running through my head,
Maybe it should have been you instead!

The power you have over me you use so skilfully,
You break my tender soul and you do it willfully!

Like a tick you suck the blood out of my heart,
Yet I bleed and ache in agony when we are apart!

I am so sick of this cycle to the point beyond any despair,
You feel nothing towards anything yet you act like you care!

And I feel like walking away, every day I do,
I contemplate a life so far away from you!

Then again I come back, missing your illusive embrace,
Craving the color of your eyes and the grin on your face!

Please... I beg you, no more, no more!
I am dying from my head to my core!

Divided We Are...

You and I, in different worlds we live, as one yet divided,
What to do next? Where to go now? It's always undecided...

You steal my smile and replace it with sizzling tears which tickle my sight,
Too long has passed that I seem to have lost my sense of wrong and right!

They blame me for you, their words, my heart, they penetrate,
Blinding me to my faith in love and pushing me towards hate!

Divided we are, you and I, no matter how close, so far we are apart,
I should've seen the signs from the beginning, walked away from the start!

Like bee stings to skin, your carelessness aches my soul as warm as could be,
You insist that whatever I do for you, you are you and I am, just me...

And as the music plays for my heart beats to dance in sorrow,
I inhale my misery and feel, simply, utterly and unbelievably hollow...

Divided we are, living as two, no past to look back to, no present to live,
Even the future has a dead end for us, regardless of all I have to give...

Three Hearts, Not One...

Some people have it easy, they live with one heart, more than often a barely functional one: unable to feel too much, love too deeply and therefore they give too little while forcing you to believe that it is all that they can give and it should be enough!

My curse, the real sorrow that breeds within the layers of my soul and my very existence, is the fact that I have 3 hearts and not one...

Where are they situated you might ask? Well, it is humanly possible to have more than one heart! Yet, within this heart that pumps blood, anger, sorrow and pain to each part of my body, there exists two smaller hearts that break and heal over and over again, endlessly, indefinitely...

Not only do those 3 hearts beat and break, they also love deeply and hurt painfully, 3 times more than anyone can!

The joy I feel, I feel so plenty and the sorrow I feel multiplied, intensified and heavy!

Take away my hearts, all of them, and leave me with none, for I am tired of love and pain... I am tired of you... I am tired of me... I am tired of this cycle of yes and no and maybe...

Loneliness & the Tight Box...

Allow my to start this piece by stressing the following facts:

• I am 26 yet feeling as if I am living my 50 year-old mother's life.
  
• I am struggling with a bunch of past and present related issues that seem to have no solution no matter how hard I try!
• I am at the lowest point of loneliness I have ever been since as long as I can remember!

Loneliness...

"Loneliness is a state of mind", I agree...
However, during its worst phases, when the dark lays its wings upon the earth leaving it hollow and unfamiliar, loneliness begins to feel like being forced to sit in a small, barely human-sized box, with no windows, doors or any kind of ventilation while you are diagnosed with a severe case of claustrophobia!

Slowly, you start losing the pace of your breath, as if being strangled with a thin, copper wire. You grasp for air but you can't seem to be able to take any of it in... You squeeze your chest, try to expand your diaphragm, switch your seating position... Nothing works...

You close your eyes... Real tight... Wish for this wave of loneliness to end and for another, yet lonely day, to begin... You wait for the dark to be lifted and hope that with the day's sun, you'll breathe with more ease... The morning break doesn't come...

In a box... With no one there but you, your pains, fears, disappointments and memories of those whom you miss, wedged in this tiny space... The more you think, the bigger the space your thoughts occupy and the tighter the box gets...

Within the very limited breathing air left, you take a few sips of air to call out for help... No one can hear you... No one really cares... You fall silent again...

Now, you're left with no air and no space to move... Your body goes into shock... You tremble, hallucinate, and then fall into a coma-like sleep...

A few hours later, you wake up, to find yourself on your bed, your body touching the crispy white sheets, your face caressing the fluffy pillow, and still alone, with fragments of memories of the horrible night before to keep you company through the day...

Replace Me...

There are billions of females out there,
Go ahead: replace me...

There are a thousand reasons for you to go,
After you, but face me!

There are a hundred blames you can lay on me,
Let your claims embrace me!

There are tens of tears you can drain from my soul,
And with your strings, lace me!

But there is only one heart you can break,
Then from your heart, erase me!

Take it All Back...

Take it all back just like you pretended to give it away...
Break me one more time, my heart is mutilated anyway!

Try to shake me more though you know that my grounds are trembling,
Go ahead, be like everyone else; shattering, painful and dissembling...

Talk about us behind my back, blame it all on my "bad" behavior!
You're just like anyone else, you put people down while acting like a savior!

Try to tame me and taint me more and more,
These tears I shed for you I HATE and abhor!

Take it all away, all those hollow nights, the empty words and all you did,
Take it all away, I placed a bet on us and I so sadly lost the bid!

You think you can play me? Just because you know how hard I collide?
You think you can easily abuse my heart because my emotions I can't hide?

Well "bravo" I tell you, you did it and to you I raise my hat in shame...
I'm not the victim here, I insist, I am the only one to blame!

I ache for the memories that were nothing to you,
I bleed again, I bleed for me and not for you...

As for me,

My apologies I extend to you because far from perfect I was and I admit,
Between the past, the present and the future, my damned soul was split!

I apologize for any time I caused you pain or any frown I drew on your face,
I apologize for allowing myself to be lost in your far from real embrace...

But most of all,

I apologize for seeing a family for me in your eyes,
For thinking that your smile is the cure for all my sighs...

I apologize for placing my happiness in your clumsy hands,
I apologize for laying my trust in your moving sands...

You made your point clear and now I must deal with this,
I just wish for serenity, not happiness, not love nor bliss...

Paint Me A Home...

Paint me a home free from the cries of children frolicking through the unjust,
Color me a world where good deeds are a way of life and love is a must!

Draw me a garden where on the grass I could lay and rest my weary shoulders,
Take away all discrepancies and place me a lake with no sticks and no boulders!

Sing me a laughter to share with the sorrowful people of this big "bad" earth,
It might not make it all better but it can make a difference for what it's worth!

Play me a jolly tune to dance my fears away and drive aside the blues,
Kick off your burdens and look away while I put on my tapping shoes!

Write me a happy story to share with the women who suffered loss and despair,
Watch me hold the papers you wrote while I send them sailing in the crippled air!

Dribble me a thought that can change the way we judge those around,
Dribble it harder and carefully listen to its bounce as it hits the ground!

Catch me a smile if one passes you by while I am looking in the other direction,
Show me what it means to swim in passion and gladly drown in oceans of affection!

Hold me closer, so close that our heartbeats become one,
Let our love cheer for all those people living under the same sun!

The Dictionary of Words You Left Behind...

Selfish: is what you are; it perfectly describes what you do and say!
Insensitive: as you ask about my life wishing to hear about more dismay!
Ignorant: of how I left you behind when my emotions you choose to display!
Naive: to think that after the pain you caused there's more room for you with my heart to play!

Love: is what I gave you once upon a dream when I used to believe in you,
Anger: is what I feel when I hear your voice acting to care and claiming to be true!
Confusion: is no longer there since I know what I want and it can never be you!
Sorrow: has vanished from my life, the life which you painted in tears and colored in blue!

Away: is where I want you to be right now,
Alas: for you that your voice lost its power to stir up my emotions somehow,
Never: will I forgot how you made me falter and bow...
Foolish: to think that you can once again my feelings try to plough!

Celebrate: your final success of erasing who you were once to me,
Finally: I can say, with all confidence, from you I'm free... I'm free!

Daddy Dearest! (1)

Daddy Dearest...

I have loved and unloved you every single day since as long as I can remember,
I have thought about you every month from January of each year till December...

I have tried to wipe away the sorrow and hurt you caused every now and then,
I have tried to block myself from your memories, from your ongoing anger and pain!

I have worked hard to be stronger, better, more independent and less unsure,
I have been looking for a solution to the problems you caused, a permanent cure!

Daddy Dearest....

For as long as I can remember, you have been the sharpest thorn in the blossom of my days,
Since my childhood, you have, maybe unintentionally, caused me to falter in so many ways!

The walls of my memories are stained with images of the bad times you have put me through,
The raging blood in my veins, the clenched nerves, the trust issues, I owe them all to you!

Daddy Dearest...

I have told you over and over again, a father is way more than you have ever been or can be,
How low could the volume of my words be muted? How blind was your anger that you couldn't see?

Looking for A Home...(2)

I'm looking for a furnished home with the following specifications:

• 2 spacious bedrooms where love paints the walls, good memories are created and smiles echo in every corner.
• 1 cozy living room with couches that can comfortably accommodate family and friends, windows that welcome the rays of the sun with a new hope in the beginning of every day and curtains that will seal the anger of the sky on stormy nights.
  
• 1 kitchen with all the cooking accessories and a table in the middle with many chairs for one meal to bring us all together at least at lunch or dinner!
• A small garden where I can sit to write or just think, about happy times, and where roses tease me with their scent as soon as I step out and take a whiff of the cool breeze.
• A friendly neighborhood where morning greetings are a habit and not fake and where neighbors won't watch my every move, try to control me and mind their own business!
• A tolerating city in which I know I'm safe from eyes and judgments!
• A loving country which embraces me for everything that I am and everything that I can ever be...

If you can think of any place that matches this description, please don't hesitate to contact me.