I Long for You...

I long for you...

For the endless nights,
For the shallow fights,
For the dimmed lights...

I long for you...

Every morning when I open my eyes,
Every time I try to mute the sighs,
Often, when I am consumed with cries!

I long for you...

A free shore for my restless trip,
A warm embrace after a wet dip,
A cure from every poison's sip!

I long for you...

And I wonder: where you are,
How could you be so far,
& what do I do with this scar?

The Pain Chart!

For almost everything in life, there is a chart. Charts, simply pit, are graphical representations of information which allow us and others to understand the subject at hand more clearly through visuals.

Therefore, I wonder now, can matters of the heart be put into a chart and explained for dimwits who lack the ability to see and for ourselves to be able to see better?

Think about this:

A pain chart... Where would your pain rank?

Way at the top, or down under the last name,
How would the pain you feel rank today?
Add to that your loss of interest in the "game",
And people's desire to hurt and to play!

Although dwarfed by chaos and death,
Your pain remains alive and well,
You're out of fights and out of breath,
Degraded, jaded, invaded cell by cell!

Who can you compare to on the pain chart?
How can one measure matters of the heart?

"Damn the pain, and damn the chart!
Now that you and I are forever apart!"

Inspired by a fellow writer, and a friend...

Swing Me More...

I've heard many expressions and words that were used to describe the life we are living: some call it a box of chewing gum, others call it a box of chocolates. Some condemn their lives by calling it a roller coaster while others call it a never ending stream of pain. However, one of the most interesting ways to describe life is by comparing it to a swing:

Can't find the ground with my feet,
It's hot here and I can't stand the heat,
Feels like I'm stuck forever on this seat,
I call for help but no one is out on the street!

The swing keeps swinging; day in and day out,
Your voice is muffled by the wind; don't try to shout,
Nothing is certain so you hold on to doubt,
The fear is so dry; it redefined the drought!

Next to me lies an empty seat and I long for you,
It's sad how I sit alone although it's meant for two,
I kick real hard and somehow I drop my shoe,
Nothing changes: I'm on the swing, the sky is blue!

Forever I try to maintain momentum and adjust the pace,
Yet every time I close my eyes I see your beautiful grace,
With every kick I try to catch the memories, with every chase;
And every time I almost do, I'm haunted by your lost face!

On the swing and I am bored of swinging up and down,
One day with a smile, many others with a sad frown,
I take off one black dress to put on another black gown,
I play by the rules yet end up feeling like a clown!

The ropes of the swing are getting old,
It's getting late and it's getting real cold,
I cuddle up, I fold then unfold,
Just like any story that has never been told!

Main Dish: Scrambled Thoughts!

A peak into the randomness of my thoughts: "When your own words fail you, there's nothing to do but to take refuge in the words of others to express your ache!"

• Faced with the fear of loss and abandonment, and under the heavy influence of jealousy's claws, no lover resembles him/her self.
  
• The amount of love one feels when happily in love equates the amount of aggressiveness and loathing one feels when disappointed by that same love!
• When a lover feels the urge to torture his/her loved one, it is never an intentional torture, rather, a way to try and make the loved one feel the pain and ache boiling up inside!
• When in love, the man becomes the sultan, the master, the compass and even the weather forecast in a woman's life; she seizes to function normally upon his absence!
• The mobile has become our embodiment of the lover we crave; when its pulse vanishes, we fear and feel a silent assassination with a criminal intent!
• When in love, a woman wears, oh so naively, the waiting sweater and refuses to take it off! She also forbids any other man to unbutton that sweater!
• How can it be love if it has the power to pull you with its floods when it comes yet is also able to kill you from thirstiness when it goes away?
• Some men are like reptiles: they have the ability and the will to shed their past like dead skin, effortlessly, and easily replace it with another, never looking back!
  
• When suffering from a painfully absent love, you are living a delayed life, as if living someone else's life; you stop being the owner! You willfully choose to give up living the present rather than choosing to give up a possibility of a dream!

To the writer who inspired these words: Thank you, for I have lost my own words along the pain!

Running Out of Words & Time...

With echoes of the words, from the book I'm currently reading, bouncing off the walls of my tired mind, I search for my own words... And in the midst of the storms that smash and destroy my peace, there is a silence of words, for they have taken refuge in hiding somewhere that I can't seem to find!

The last time I wrote, I could clearly pin point every word that I wanted to say, I could see it, feel it, smell it, taste it, and even touch it, right before I poured it out, with a fragment of my aching soul, into a piece of writing, that was able to help me find serenity again...

Yet now, I feel the choke of the words within my thoughts... Scrambled thoughts anyone? I'm sure they would make a hell of a Mediterranean dish; one which many men out there are sure to enjoy!

I have tried, believe me, to place my finger upon the bleeding wounds of my heart, to cut off the bleeding... The wounds were too many and I only have ten fingers!

I have also tried to pull out this pain, by its deepest roots, from my life... The roots were so deeply entrenched within my life creating a risk of pulling out my life along with it!

I tried to fight, to be calm, to shout, to rationalize, to cry, to rebel, to be everything I can be and do anything I can do... The problem still remains with no cure: like HIV, weakening my immune system to the point of helpless surrender!

Then, there is this sickening feeling of craving a touch on the face, an embrace for the longing body, a whisper of sweet word of love... But they never come, and the stomach grumbles from hunger, while the body aches from abandonment and the ears bleed from the silence!

My words... I see them now and after them I run... Their endurance beats mine... I'm broken and I ache... They disappear again...

When life shrinks down to work, pain, longing and unfulfilled needs, it becomes death, a living one with a beating heart refusing to just stop!

I want this pain to end, for I no longer can live this death inside of me!

Three Hearts, Not One...

Some people have it easy, they live with one heart, more than often a barely functional one: unable to feel too much, love too deeply and therefore they give too little while forcing you to believe that it is all that they can give and it should be enough!

My curse, the real sorrow that breeds within the layers of my soul and my very existence, is the fact that I have 3 hearts and not one...

Where are they situated you might ask? Well, it is humanly possible to have more than one heart! Yet, within this heart that pumps blood, anger, sorrow and pain to each part of my body, there exists two smaller hearts that break and heal over and over again, endlessly, indefinitely...

Not only do those 3 hearts beat and break, they also love deeply and hurt painfully, 3 times more than anyone can!

The joy I feel, I feel so plenty and the sorrow I feel multiplied, intensified and heavy!

Take away my hearts, all of them, and leave me with none, for I am tired of love and pain... I am tired of you... I am tired of me... I am tired of this cycle of yes and no and maybe...

Loneliness & the Tight Box...

Allow my to start this piece by stressing the following facts:

• I am 26 yet feeling as if I am living my 50 year-old mother's life.
  
• I am struggling with a bunch of past and present related issues that seem to have no solution no matter how hard I try!
• I am at the lowest point of loneliness I have ever been since as long as I can remember!

Loneliness...

"Loneliness is a state of mind", I agree...
However, during its worst phases, when the dark lays its wings upon the earth leaving it hollow and unfamiliar, loneliness begins to feel like being forced to sit in a small, barely human-sized box, with no windows, doors or any kind of ventilation while you are diagnosed with a severe case of claustrophobia!

Slowly, you start losing the pace of your breath, as if being strangled with a thin, copper wire. You grasp for air but you can't seem to be able to take any of it in... You squeeze your chest, try to expand your diaphragm, switch your seating position... Nothing works...

You close your eyes... Real tight... Wish for this wave of loneliness to end and for another, yet lonely day, to begin... You wait for the dark to be lifted and hope that with the day's sun, you'll breathe with more ease... The morning break doesn't come...

In a box... With no one there but you, your pains, fears, disappointments and memories of those whom you miss, wedged in this tiny space... The more you think, the bigger the space your thoughts occupy and the tighter the box gets...

Within the very limited breathing air left, you take a few sips of air to call out for help... No one can hear you... No one really cares... You fall silent again...

Now, you're left with no air and no space to move... Your body goes into shock... You tremble, hallucinate, and then fall into a coma-like sleep...

A few hours later, you wake up, to find yourself on your bed, your body touching the crispy white sheets, your face caressing the fluffy pillow, and still alone, with fragments of memories of the horrible night before to keep you company through the day...

She Wept!

As if buried, deep inside a wall, trying harder and harder to push her way through the stones and rubble... Panting, reaching out, stumbling, falling down...

She wept...

Those were not the ordinary tears that you see any time she cries: this time, her tears were made of acid that slipped down her face burning her cheeks and leaving her numbed, as if fresh out of a plastic surgery...

She cried, no, wept, for 2 hours straight, non stop, with each tear ripping her insides just as the one before and the one right after...

She wept for the things she lost yet cherished so much...
She wept for the need in her to feel a warm sincere touch...

She ached, in her guts, for all the things her empty life was without,
She ached for the last time she was sure of anything, with no doubt!

Her eyes so puffed up, like cereal, "some milk please?"
She swallowed up a choked smile with no ease...

She wished someone, anyone, would try to understand...
She wished that someone would just take her hand...

Whether or not it was right to feel this way, she did feel it now!
And the pain from the past and the present has to be stopped somehow!

Another Night...

One too many nights have come by, knocked at my hope's door, and simply, just like a dream, gone away... and he didn't show...

Last night was no different...

To better suit my disappointment and his absence, I rearranged the night, the room, the setting and the general ambiance...

Once again, I put out his candles and turned on the lights; trying to overcome the darkness, which lingered there, too dusky to comprehend!

Once again, the scent of the perfume wrapping the body evaporated into nothingness and the silkiness of the skin was only felt by the cold, senile sheets...

Once again, the eagerness turned into a marriage of longing and craving with anger and vexation...

Curtains down.. The night folds, and another morning forces itself upon me...

I hold the 2 coloring pencils; I use one to draw a pinkish shadowed smile on my lips and the with the other a fading dimple on the inner side of the cheeks, and head out to yet another day, followed by yet another night...

Caution: Road Bump Ahead!

To someone who claims to have reached maturity at almost all levels, it seems to be rather juvenile to view the world in a multi-layered color scheme or to imagine that, with all the possible variable available, things will eventually turn out to be for my best interest.

Yet, I do!

Whether it be an insignificant action that causes a big problem and greater manifestations that ever expected with a family member or just simple unfulfilled expectations, which you promised yourself never to set, it feels as though we are constantly swimming upstream!

What I can't really grasp is the concept of "perfection", which seems to be the new trending topic of my days and what everyone is seeking to find in others while the truth of the matter remains to be: No one is perfect, no one can be perfect, and that is that!

Regardless of the efforts we invest in building ourselves to be strong, independent, well-rounded, caring intellectual givers, at the end of the day, when push comes to shove, we are who we are: Mortal fragile human beings made of flesh, blood, emotions, contradictions and in some cases, a whole lot of pain that we need time as well as support to digest!

Sometimes, I wish...

Clumsily, I do sometimes wish that in life, people would have been more cautious and aware of their behaviors, which ended up causing me indescribable pain and disappointments. I wish I was a clean white slate with no aching past to get over, no haunted present to live and no sealed future to fear...

But that can never be, and I am mature enough to realize that...

What worries me though, is the duration it will take me to be "me" once again and the slight chance that that could actually happen...

And then again, the questions that arise are:

Do I really want to be "me" again? Is "me" good enough? Is "me" able to overcome the many road pumps in my coming past and fix the damages done due to the past bumps I have passed?

Maybe, maybe not...

All I am certain of now is that I'm shattered in a million directions like shreds of a bullet which exploded and landed everywhere yet nowhere in specific...

I surrender now to my weakness, if only for a few minutes, and allow my tears to gently run over the paths of my tired face...

Beirut

My Loneliness., I Call Your Name...

Someone once said, “Loneliness is full of life,” but I beg to differ:

My loneliness you became…
No words to be spoken, no reasons to cast blame…

My loneliness in a world so unbelievably cruel,
You lay the foundation and you make every rule!

My loneliness and I breathe your last words in despair,
Wondering, pondering, questioning, did you ever really care?

My loneliness you blend within the past with an ache,
Never thought that my heart was able to falter again and break!

My loneliness I call your name in the midst of my confusion,
Asking you for an answer to how this, all of it, could have been an illusion?

My loneliness and I know I could have been the one,
But then again I didn’t play by the book, I didn’t set like the sun…

My loneliness how I miss you even though you’ve been gone not too long,
I pray for you in silence, I write an angry poem, I sing a grieving song…

My loneliness and I swear to you I am strong and my will is of steel,
Yet you refused to let me drive, you always held on to the wheel!

My loneliness as the wind touches my skin and I tremble,
Tears dance in my eyes and I fight hard not to surrender…

My loneliness like a sweet sugared dream,
Strawberry coated, chocolate glazed with a touch of cream!

My loneliness your scent I swear I miss,
Your long day’s sweat, your aura, its bliss…

My loneliness forgive me, for I have fell too fast,
Clumsily believing that anything deep must eventually last…

My loneliness maybe one day, and maybe not,
I just hope this bleeding will be covered up and clot!

My loneliness this is the longest I have written in a long long time,
I insist that what I felt, how I felt it, could not be mistaken with a crime!

My loneliness I thought I found you, the answer I was looking for,
After I searched under every tree, above every window and behind every door…

My loneliness I march to the beat of my heart’s fainting desires,
I feel a stabbing twinge as I try to put out your endless fires…

My loneliness and the world around me stares with wondering eyes,
How could SHE be this lonely? How could SHE let herself be devoured by sighs?

My loneliness and I feel the stream of never ending words in my mind,
Could emotions be this deceitful? Could feelings be this blind?

My loneliness as the music plays so close to my ears,
As I scream in silence and I shout in confusion words that no one hears!

My loneliness how I crave just a touch of your warm hand here and now,
A kiss on the cheek, a glance through the eyes, a caress that would never end somehow…

My loneliness I used to long to know you in everything you are and maybe,
You managed to stir whirls of emotions and move mountains inside of me…

My loneliness not even a friend can you truly ever become,
To those eyes and feelings I will always kneel, bow and succumb!

My loneliness there’s so much hollowness left by your absence,
Though in this life there are always many options and billions of chances…

My loneliness you could’ve been so close, forever sacred, eternally dear…
You could’ve reshaped the planets, relit the stars, harbored oceans by just being near…

My loneliness like a phantom organ you will remain here within me,
Memories of your face have the strength to keep me chained and never set me free…

My loneliness, my forgotten smile, my never-ending hesitation,
A mind so jumbled burdened with untaken decisions bigger than God’s creation!

My loneliness last night I used to bleed but now the bleeding has stopped,
The weight I carried upon my shoulders, after this piece, just simply dropped!

My loneliness with a beautiful inner child that needs to be held tight,
I will leave you with these words to cradle you through the lonely night…

How I Crave to Be Held by You...

The night... Oh how calm it can be and what serenity it can bring to my soul...

The cool breeze tickles my senses and the sound of kids playing mixed with the faint melodies of the sleepy birds play in the background...

I take in a deep breath and I think of you...

How I crave to be held by you...

I grab my laptop, place it so clumsily on my lap, and I start typing away what I feel, every sensation, every longing, every desire, in simple, plain and yet so meaningful words that overwhelm me, even before I click each of their letters on my keyboard's buttons...

How I crave for you to hold me, chest to chest, heart beat to heart beat: racing, calling, chanting, disarming...

How I long for your breath to tease my senses: softly, gently, endlessly, sincerely, eagerly...

How I wish for you to feel me just as you feel hunger, thirst, fatigue, excitement, happiness, so close, so real...

How I yearn to kiss you, perhaps tingle the rough of your chin, or maybe further down, where shoulder meets neck...

How I crave for you to touch me, just my hand, where palm meets palm, like an unbroken vow and an unchained melody...

I want to be with you: unbroken, unwounded and untainted...

This longing: like fire, like nothing before, or nothing will ever be...Burning within my soul while I smile and watch it glow, no questions, no worries, no expectations...

Nothing Used to Matter...

Nothing used to matter...
Being with you whether it was scorching hot or freezing cold,
As long as your arms were there for me to hold...

Nothing used to matter...
Seeing you every day or whenever suites you well,
As long as my words of love for you I have time to tell...

Nothing used to matter...
The shaken pride, the anger you brought and the stupid fights,
As long as I could have your voice embrace me through the nights...

Nothing used to matter...
The things you made me give up for a promise that was a lie,
As long as I never had to hear you say "good bye"!

Nothing used to matter...
Knowing you won't ever love me as much or care like I do,
As long as you smile, I didn't mind being down and blue!

Nothing used to matter...
The past you held on to in gifts, pictures and calls,
Being locked so deep inside these hollow walls,
You never being there to shelter my falls...

Nothing used to matter...
But now it all does and it always will,
How you shoved my love for you down the hill,
My heart is broken now, here's the hospital bill! :P