Wrong Turns...

Image By: Igor Jeremic

It is safe to say that life could be summarized by a set of roads leading to certain outcomes, which are, consequently, more roads!

Today, an unexpected reaction to an encounter, forced me think of those roads again, and of all those turns I've taken that lead to the road that I am currently on.

Somehow, the events of today made more impact on me than any other gut wrenching events that I have experienced lately and all those "ifs" and "maybes" came crashing down on me like hot meatballs in a spaghetti bowl!

And although I'd like to consider myself wise enough to let go of what could have been and try to deal with what is, I am unable to move past the fact that I seem to have taken so many wrong turns which have left me on a road that only leads to thorns and thunderstorms, of the heart and soul.

In a way, I feel responsible for this end, for where I am. On the other hand, I bitterly hold it against many people out there; those who have been reasons for many of my stops, sudden breaks and unplanned detours.

I just wish it didn't hurt this bad, or feel this painful. I just wish that my heart wasn't ripping away double time in my chest.

Somehow, I feel like the world is made of glass and I'm right at the edge of the only hard solid seat in the house. If I fall, my whole life will shatter into pieces. But I just keep slipping...

I Am Me...

I am nobody to many but somebody to me,
I look for a greater calm to set me free,
I am everything yet nothing I can be...

I am lost yet found yet lost once again,
I hold in my power, my fears and my pain,
I am cold, warm and passionate and plain!

I am still learning about life though I've lived long enough!
I am hoping, wishing, praying to be stronger, to be tough...
I am petals of flowers and diamonds of rough!

I am here standing though I wish I was away from here,
I miss those who once were so close and near,
I crave a love that was never ever dear!

I am a whole of pieces, a some of no parts!
I am a pauper of aces and a queen of hearts!
I am who I am with all the ends and the starts!

She Danced...

This morning, unlike many others, and as she opened her tired yet curious eyes, she realized something she has been missing for almost 2 years or more: somewhere along that thorny road of life, she had forgotten to count her many blessings… She had forgotten to see the beauty of the roses furnishing the sides of her path and smell the scent of the cool morning breeze that welcomed her with serenity… She had forgotten to touch the tenderness of the simple joys that were hidden in the closest places to her reach…

And for the first time, in what seemed to be an eternity, she danced…

She danced to life…
She danced to the untouched happy moments…
She danced to the smiles of her friends…
She danced to the hopes of new beginnings…
She danced to the weary souls and tired eyes…
She danced to love, wherever it was…
She danced to the simplest gesture, from whoever it may be…

And as she felt her soul mingle with the layers within the music, she felt all the beauty in the world rest upon her hands and shoulders… Closed her eyes… And smiled thinking: I am alive!

My Latest, Greatest Enemy!

Throughout my life, especially between the age 15 to 25, I used to take pride in myself for having the minimum number of enemies wherever I went and whatever I did. It used to give me comfort knowing that no matter how bad things used to get between anyone and me; I am able to maintain the minimum level of respect and friendliness possible.

Recently though, I have discovered that I am being targeted from one of the worst kind of enemies anyone could ever have: My Dreams!

It seems that after all this time, my dormant enemy has finally awaken from its slumber with one goal in mind: to haunt me and take twisted measures to remind me of my pain or play it to me, like a sad melody, every time I choose to close my eyes!

As fragile as this confession might make me seem, I admit: I am afraid from closing my eyes and falling asleep, for no matter how many hours I spend in this uncomfortable state of “unconsciousness”, my mind refuses to shut down and this conspiracy against my sanity declines to come to an end! Visions, images and sounds from the “once upon a time” happy days keep leaking into my sleep! I know that my dreams open the door for them! I also know that these vicious dreams fabricate beautiful memories that were never lived as well! They weave sincere smiles that were never made and honest words that were never said!

I’m tired, no actually I’m exhausted! If one can’t feel at peace while awake or while sleeping, how else can one rest? I need to rest!!!!

Just a few minutes ago, a friend of mine said this about me to me:

"All this positive attitude you shine out to everyone is gonna eventually ware you down!"

The Moment of Truth!

What do you do when the moment of truth arrives, many years late, and knocks at your door??

I look at myself now, I look in the mirror, and all I see are sheer reflections of what I used to be and faded images of who I wanted to become…

My heart speaks an utterly foreign language that my soul can no longer understand…
My mind is in a constant struggle of what I want to do and what I end up doing as a result!

I grope on to the faith granted to me by those who truly care yet I grip the small hints of disappointments from those you wish me harm…
I am a muddle of mixed emotions running towards a big, plain and dark wall!
Knowing that I will collide right into it but not discerning how or when!

Back to the moment of truth, in particular, my moment of truth!

It seems to me that lately I have been running around myself in circles and steering away from logic and my own sanity continuously…
I hold on to the impossible and pursue the unattainable…
I give my self valid reasons at times when no reasons are valid enough…
I paint myself pictures of colorful hopes and dreams when I have nothing but black paints!
I wait and wait and wait… When there is no common sense in waiting…
I wish, I pray, I hope…. When deep inside I know that no good will come out from any of those…

How long will I linger behind that door afraid to face it all?
How long can I ignore the knocking, the knocking on my door?!

أحب المستحيل و أنتظره بفارغ الأمل و الحرمان
فلا أنا أحببت السهل يوما و لا كان لي هو بحسبان
أعشق الدمع الذي يذرف من قلبي بعد يوم مليء بالخيبات
فلا دمعي يبخل و لا الخيبة تبعد عني المسافات
أحيا لأرى مقدرتي على تحمل الصعاب و الآلام
فلا الصعاب تهون و لا أجد حدا لمقدرتي رغم الأيام

سئلت

سئلت عن الحنين و ما عرفت له بمكان
سئلت عن الصدق فأجبت: إن الصدق ليس موجودا في هذا الزمان
سئلت عن الذي كان و عن قصتي أنا كانسان
فكان ردي: حرمت من وطن أحيا فيه بأمان
سلبت مني طفولة فيه تغمرني بالفرحة و الأحزان
فلا أنا أملك ذكرياته ولا شاطرته الألحان
و لا لعبت في أحضانه ولا اغتسلت بترابه أجمل الألوان
و لا هو يعرف اسمي و لا مني شعر بالحنان
و لا يعلم أن الدنيا إذا هانت، حبي له و الله ما هان

The Five People You Meet in Heaven or HELL!!!

Well, some time ago, actually, a long time back, someone started reading this book to me: "The Five People You Meet in Heaven"…

This book was mainly about how our actions, whether directly or indirectly, effect those around us, in one way or another. It revolved around the idea that everything in this life is interlinked and how everything we do or don't do, say or don't say, affects someone else's life and not necessarily someone we met or might ever meet for that matter!

For years now, I was so interested in finishing that book to see what the end was going to be like… Finally, I lost interest!

A few days ago, I heard that a new book was published after that one, called: "The Five People You Meet in Hell"!!! Ironic, isn't it!

This world, this life, our existence, it is based on mere irony! Fake moments of happiness, few hints of temporary satisfaction, tiny specs of unjustified hopes and many splintered dreams…

In fact, it is true that everything we do does and will definitely affect someone else's life… This effect maybe positive or negative, but it is essentially existent and truly valid!

Think about this: everyone in this world will pay, at one point or another, for someone else's mistakes! There is no getting out of it or escaping from it!

On the political level: we, the citizens of any country we reside in, pay for our government's mistakes…

On the social level: we, as daughters or sons, pay for our parents' or other relatives' mistakes… Whether it be the mistake of our parents' wrong choice of a partner or a relative's stupid behavior which will inflict irreparable harm to our being…

On the work level: we, as employees, pay for our boss's mistakes! Or we just pay for the mistakes any employees before us had committed!

On the emotional level: someone, who will come after the damage is done and our souls no longer exist, and will pay for the mistakes those before him/her had made and caused us to be the "cruel, insensitive, careless wrecks" we have become!

On the friendship level: we, as friends, pay for the negligence of other friends and the hard times our friends go through due to all of the aforementioned levels!

All I wonder about right now is this: where do we meet all these people at the end: in heaven or in hell? Isn't it harsh to condemn someone to a crime that might have been a reaction to another crime? Maybe all those who harmed us have been mere victims of someone else's mistakes along this long and dreadful road called life!!!!

Beginning the Year: Beirut

First of all, I wish you all a more relaxing and less troublesome new year!

Now, let me dig in to the main subject of today…

Date: Friday, January 05, 2007

Location: Hamra, Beirut (my old office)

I have so many things I want to talk about but somehow I am unable to prioritize them in useful and meaningful phrases!

Being here once again, being in the capital which carries the same name as I do, walking down its streets, breathing in its fresh yet humid winds, seeing all the familiar faces, hearing its casual yet somehow comforting noises… It takes me back to those days… The days when everything was so calm in its own way… Those days when I was sad yet was able to carry a sincere smile everywhere I go… Back when being extremely happy was achieved by a small drive down by the sea shore or just by walking to and from university, watching the world pass by so quickly yet so peacefully…

It is raining outside… I just got inside and I’m all wet… I feel that I am getting really sick but I still can maintain a beam on my face… I feel at ease with everything around me… I feel like I am at home; right where I am supposed to be…

I sometimes wish I could lose life at moments like these just to maintain this state of soul I am experiencing… I wish I would just part with life on such occasions when holding on to beautiful moments would be eternal…

I am Beebee’s torn and healing heart… I am my own soul’s reflection… I am a lost mind wandering around in this beautiful capital… Beirut.

Look at all these people around me… I am blessed… I am cursed… I am, once again, confused…

Deep inside I know that I can never be as happy as I am right now which, in a twisted kind of way, makes me the saddest I can ever be! You see, what you can’t have is always more attractive, it is even sexier! What you can’t have is always what you want and even what you need! The impossible is the maximum satisfaction as long as it remains impossible… And so on…

Beirut: the capital… I love you… I love you more and more each day… I love how similar you are to me… I love your contradictions, your mood swings, your ups and downs… I love the sadness you carry within your rains and the happiness your sunshine brings… I love how your sea is calm sometimes and at other times how crazy its waves can be… I love the people who live in you… The people who live around you… Even those who hurt you…

I think I will end this long piece of writing now… With all my love and sincere loyalty…

Numerology.. What it says about me..

The Life Path 9 suggests that you entered this plane with an abundance of dramatic feelings coupled with a strong sense of compassion and generosity. Even the very average of those with life path 9 possess extremely compassionate tendencies.
Usually this number produces an individual that is very trustworthy and honorable, and one unlikely to harbor any sort of prejudice.

Material gains are not overly important, although the quality of some life path 9 people is such that they are materially rewarded in very significant ways. The rare 9 life path has a totally selfless attitude, giving up of material possessions for the common good.
The 9 Life Path indicates you have a commanding presence. You have the ability to make friends very easily, as people are attracted to your magnetic, open personality. You meet people easily and are quickly befriended because of your openness and amiable demeanor. Your genial ways often put you in the lead in whatever field of endeavor you pursue.
Relationships can be difficult for you because it is hard to strike a balance that will work effectively. If your partner is one sharing your giving attitudes, the relationship will be happy and lasting. On the other hand, if you choose a partner whose focus is on material issues, problems will arise quickly.
You tend to be quite sensitive, as you see the world with much feeling. The number 9's very deep understanding of life is sometimes manifested in the artistic and literary fields. If drama and acting is not your forte, it will surely be an area of great interest and potential. Likewise, you may be able to express your deep emotional feelings through painting, writing, music, or other art forms.
The purpose of life for those with a 9 life path is often of a philosophical nature. Judges, spiritual leaders, healers and educators frequently have much 9 energy.