Running Out of Words & Time...

With echoes of the words, from the book I'm currently reading, bouncing off the walls of my tired mind, I search for my own words... And in the midst of the storms that smash and destroy my peace, there is a silence of words, for they have taken refuge in hiding somewhere that I can't seem to find!

The last time I wrote, I could clearly pin point every word that I wanted to say, I could see it, feel it, smell it, taste it, and even touch it, right before I poured it out, with a fragment of my aching soul, into a piece of writing, that was able to help me find serenity again...

Yet now, I feel the choke of the words within my thoughts... Scrambled thoughts anyone? I'm sure they would make a hell of a Mediterranean dish; one which many men out there are sure to enjoy!

I have tried, believe me, to place my finger upon the bleeding wounds of my heart, to cut off the bleeding... The wounds were too many and I only have ten fingers!

I have also tried to pull out this pain, by its deepest roots, from my life... The roots were so deeply entrenched within my life creating a risk of pulling out my life along with it!

I tried to fight, to be calm, to shout, to rationalize, to cry, to rebel, to be everything I can be and do anything I can do... The problem still remains with no cure: like HIV, weakening my immune system to the point of helpless surrender!

Then, there is this sickening feeling of craving a touch on the face, an embrace for the longing body, a whisper of sweet word of love... But they never come, and the stomach grumbles from hunger, while the body aches from abandonment and the ears bleed from the silence!

My words... I see them now and after them I run... Their endurance beats mine... I'm broken and I ache... They disappear again...

When life shrinks down to work, pain, longing and unfulfilled needs, it becomes death, a living one with a beating heart refusing to just stop!

I want this pain to end, for I no longer can live this death inside of me!

His True Colors...

Feeling absolute nothingness, she set her mind to write yet another piece dedicated to her silently bleeding heart...

"I owe my heart at least this much, " she thought...

With steady, slimming fingers she typed her thoughts away:

Like echos of a memory never lived, his name faintly murmurs in my head,
His words lost the power to touch my soul, they trigger the anger in me instead...

His true colors were that of a lizard; changing to suit the time and place,
Emotionless to the world outside himself, signed with "liar" across the face!

He tricked me into losing what was rightfully mine, swearing a better day would be,
He made me believe all this pain will eventually be the reason to set us both, together, free!

The chances lost, the time wasted, the tears shed, for a forever I took in and waited,
Yet little by little there were no more lies to tell me and the trust and love all faded!

When I think of him now, my stomach curls and my body sickens with disbelief,
How could he have been the one to steal my life, lie, falsify, cheat and deceive?

I gave him many chances; not one, neither two nor three, he chose to screw it all,
I tried to wait for him to hold my hand, he chose to kick me down to my fall!

It's time now to take it all back; the confidence and the love, give them to someone new,
I hope God will deprive him all the things he took from me, I hope he's placed in my shoe!

Now & Then: Realizations & Confessions...

You were a touch of a sun's ray upon my chest your warmth would lay,

You were a kiss from an angel's lips, a dance with a never ending sway...

You were an overwhelming scent of fresh green grass and acres of meadows,
You were the building that stood there tall, blinding me from all the shadows...

You were the smile in my eyes, the tenderness that soothed the sighs...
You were the path for a better day, the truth that wiped all the lies!

You were a night whisper in my ears; your words would lay my to sleep,
You were a tingling sensation, a bundle of happy moments that I tried to keep!

Yet, the way I see you now is different...

You are the choke that so delightfully sits in my throat, restricting my air!
You are the itch that I can't reach to scratch, the sting that I can't bear!

You are the spineless creature which lurks in the darkness to bring more pain,
You are the self absorbed witless boy who beats me down again and again!

You are confused with illusions of lust and material; you can't see through,
You care for nothing but your sick desires, you have eyes for only you!

You are a worthless excuse for a man, though the needed organs are there,
You are a loaded bag of excuses, using the right one to act as if you care!

You did me wrong...

You had no right to fuss and to fight, to give me hope that we might,
You had no clue of what I could do when my anger wills to smite!

You thought I was helpless, the chains of your love would hold me back,
You lost control along the way but I took the steering and I'm back on track!

You hide behind the phone lines, you hide because your cowardliness is deep!
You blame others for your idleness, you have no soul able to feel or weep!

You pitiful little thing; soaked in hollowness; as nutless as could ever be!
Shame on you for fooling me once, but for the other times: SHAME ON ME!

P.S: I hate you...

One Foot Out the Door!

You were so anxious to leave, you always had one foot out the door!
Every moment you ever spent with me felt as if you were doing a chore!

Whatever bothered you and we resolved was never really erased,
You kept a running counter for me for every little action misplaced!

I meant nothing to you, although you tried to act and say otherwise,
You had no concept of forgiving, you were ignorant of the word compromise!

I am made of love, to give love and breathe love, but not you...
I should have seen this all, I should have read it through!

Now your feet are both out and you closed the all the possible doors behind,
Damn it! I thought that this time I'd be more logical, maybe less blind!

Sticks & Stones Won't Hurt My Bones...

I woke up with warm tears burning my eyes and a truly pained frown:
Sticks and stones won't hurt my bones but words can bring me down...

I chocked up in words last night, I didn't know what to say or do...
Hearing your words of acid and poison, couldn't believe it's you!

How could we be so blind to others' feelings, how could we just ignore?
How could we just hurt and open wounds and simply walk out the door?

I wish I could just shut myself from the world, close my eyes, slip into an endless sleep,
By far these cuts bleed so much more than ever, I now understand that they are too deep!

To think you felt the need to explain all the things I knew with pointing fingers!
The echo of your voice resounds in my head, the hate in your tone still lingers!

I just wish that there will be mercy on my soul since I have a long day ahead,
I just wish I could erase the sorrow and take back in the tears that I shed!

Daddy Dearest! (1)

Daddy Dearest...

I have loved and unloved you every single day since as long as I can remember,
I have thought about you every month from January of each year till December...

I have tried to wipe away the sorrow and hurt you caused every now and then,
I have tried to block myself from your memories, from your ongoing anger and pain!

I have worked hard to be stronger, better, more independent and less unsure,
I have been looking for a solution to the problems you caused, a permanent cure!

Daddy Dearest....

For as long as I can remember, you have been the sharpest thorn in the blossom of my days,
Since my childhood, you have, maybe unintentionally, caused me to falter in so many ways!

The walls of my memories are stained with images of the bad times you have put me through,
The raging blood in my veins, the clenched nerves, the trust issues, I owe them all to you!

Daddy Dearest...

I have told you over and over again, a father is way more than you have ever been or can be,
How low could the volume of my words be muted? How blind was your anger that you couldn't see?

The Things I Hate The Most...(1)

The things I hate the most are:

• Falling asleep or waking up with tears clouding my view.
• Eating alone.
• Losing trust in friendships, especially when it comes to those who were closer than family.
• Looking at my phone first thing when I get up and finding no messages.
• Being judged by those who never practice what they preach.
• Being accused of something I didn't do.
• Always feeling responsible for everyone I care about.
• Putting people first for the price of my own happiness.
• Being so angry and not being able to express it not even in words.
• Being underestimated.
• Seeing my mother cry.
• Being this sensitive and emotional and over analyzing every single thing in my life.
• Sending a message and waiting an eternity for a response.
• Being pushed to a level over my limits.
• Taking my responsibilities way too seriously.
• Trying to be strong no matter how weak I am.
• Spending hours thinking of whom I could call and find no one that I'd care to share with what I feel.
• The bad memories in my life.
• People who give up on things they claim they believe in.
• Being told to "chill" when I'm angry.
• People assuming they know me.
• Working so hard for something and failing to get it.

I Bleed You...

I bleed you...
Like a sickness, like a cancer, like an infected tumor,
I hate your name, I hate your face, I hate your humor,
I should have run faster, docked lower, realized sooner!

I bleed you...
When the rage builds up inside of me as soon as I feel well,
When I think of all our crappy stories I will live to tell,
When I think of how I loved you yet wished you "farehell"!!

I bleed you...
Memories clenched inside of me like needles and pins,
Of endless fights where each of us loses and none of us wins,
Heart throbbing, nerves clashing while the head spins!

I bleed you...
Like a wounded soldier returning from a battle that was lost,
Scraped out of reality, hating love and disgusted by lust,
Wrapped with ticking bombs and echoes of dust!

I bleed you...
Colors of red, green, yellow, brown and a pinch of blues,
Different intensities, various shades and multiple hues,
In this blood I soak, I choke, I gag, I smother and I infuse!

I bleed you!
Inside and out I bleed and bleed,
All my warnings of scarring you did not heed,
Please don't beg for mercy, I hate watching you plead!

Nothing is Real....

P.S: This goes out to no one and is dedicated to no one...

Nothing is real: this smile that I fake, the burning ache, the trembling I can't shake!

Nothing is real: the words that were spoken, my heart that was broken, the pain I feel...

Nothing is real: the tears that were shed, tossing and turning in my bed, your memories circling around my head!

Nothing is real: the looks that spoke plenty, the glass that is now half empty, the fear that was plenty!

Nothing is real: the moments of pure bliss, the wine from your kiss, the things I will miss!

Nothing is real: you and I, the stupid lie, the sad goodbye...

Nothing is real: the friends that were once there, people who claimed they care, in whispers silly rumors they share!

Nothing is real: the promise for a better day, the times I walked away, the moments I kneel to pray!

Nothing is real: the aimless goals we set, facing life with a winning bet, the times we get hurt and forget!

Nothing is real: this room which I now hate, this anger, this fate!

Nothing is real: the happiness which is overrated, the things I loved but then hated, the many times I waited and waited!

Nothing is real: that will always be my story burdened with a strife, hope ripped apart with the selfishness knife, the life sucked out of my life!