Bowling Balls!

Photo By: aubrey_54

As I sit here all alone, trying so hard to soak my pain in, suddenly, it all turns into sheer, pure irony!

And as the colors and holes of the bowling balls frolic around so happily in my exhausted mind, I am reminded of the ignorance and sadness of human beings; how pitiful they can be...

Therefore, instead of writing a short poem about the pain I feel and how alone I am, I decide to revert to irony, hoping that it could somehow have the power to lift these shadows away from my weeping heart!

How little is our realization of how lucky can be,
And how unlucky we really are!

How sad it is to need some closeness,
While closeness remains so far!

How ignorant we are of our blessings,
Until they walk us by!

How much we want to live the moment,
Yet then we say goodbye!

How much value we place on friendship,
Then we end up alone!

How invisible we think we are,
Though we're only flesh & bone!

The colors of the bowling balls haunt me, and I realize the intensity of this ache...
I listen to my music and, just like a fragile piece of glass, I break, break and break...

Words from Experience...

I wish I knew these things before... I would have done so many things differently...

• I have learned to cherish every moment I have with a good friend because life happens and all that is left are memories of great times that might never be repeated again!

• Good friends are like gray whales (almost extinct). So when you find them, make sure you let them know how much you value their friendship any chance you have.
  

• Don't complain that your phone doesn't stop ringing: it's only when the ringing stops that you will appreciate it!

• When you feel down and can't think of one person to talk to and share your troubles with, you need to start rethinking about who you can call a "friend".

• Stop thinking that you live on hope; it's a myth! You live on food and water (or earth if I'm being sarcastic)!
  

• No one is 100% bad; however, how bad is the bad part is what you have to consider!

• Living by the rules or breaking them is a choice you have to make on your own... Just like you alone will have to live with the consequences!

• Beauty doesn't get you anywhere good. Trust me, you don't want to be surrounded by people who only care about being with you as far as the bed (or sofa - whichever floats your boat)!

• Laughter is as important as tears... One lifts the spirits while the other frees it!

• Words are empty shells which can't kill you but can really bruise!

(To be continued)

Room 602

Words... Don't they ever end?
&
Silence... Doesn't it ever get bored?
&
Thoughts: Millions of them, hovering around my squeamish head...

An empty soul & a full head: A great recipe for suicide!

Yet...
It never ends. It seems like it never will...

This whore we call life" breathing, hurting, breaking, taking...

Then the night falls, and a new day follows but things are the same yet different...

A cycle, a step, a tear.
&
Loss: of self, of being, of identity, in a forest of absolute nothingness...

Let's Make Love...

Come closer...

Bring your body close to mine...
Let your breath touch my neck and my heart shiver...
In the music we sway, our bodies in twine....
Make me become whole again, collect me sliver by sliver...

Come here...

Bring your warmth and cover us up...
Let your eyes indulge in me, let your hands find my curls...
In the night we are alone, as we drink from passion's cup...
Make me feel that you're my man and I'm your girl...

My teddy bear...

While I drench you in tears and wish you could understand,
While I tell you my fears, and hope you could hold my hand...

You, I and the wet tissues are here on this bed alone,
You have no soul to feel and I have no real haven or home...

I Chose You to Be My Joy, You Chose to Be My Sorrow...

"We choose our joys and sorrows long before we experience them" - Kahlil Gibran

Coming from such a great writer, these words must be true and I believe they are, up to a certain extent...

Sometimes, we choose our sorrows and they end up being joys and sometimes, it's simply the other way round:

I chose you to be my light, you chose to be the darkness that lurks within me,

I chose your love to be my freedom, you chose to be the chains that won't set me free!

I chose you to draw a smile on my face, you chose to be the pained frown,

I chose you to be my raft to safety, you chose to show me how to drown!

I chose for you to be the one I love, I chose to give you all the love I had,

You chose for me to rain tears with no mercy, you chose to treat me bad!

I chose for you to be a father to my children, a partner for life I chose,

You chose to be manipulative and take me, by the hand, to where the sadness grows!

I chose for you to be the center of my world, my one and only desire,

You chose to turn against me and be the fuel that lights my heart's fire!

I chose for you to be everything and everyone that mattered,

You chose to be careless and with my feelings be simply flattered!

I chose for you to be my sun, you chose to be the burn,

I chose to never give up, you chose to never learn!

I chose for you to stay, but all you wanted was to go,

I chose your happiness, while you crafted my sorrow!

And now, all I am left with are my choices, hanging heavily on my shoulders... Wondering: What more will you choose for me...

10 Signs of One Sided Love...

I don't claim to be a relationship expert and I also don't claim to have answers for the many questions that run around in my own head! But, to have been really in love, and to have suffered loss, can help one reach certain conclusions that neither books nor studies can result in!

Therefore, and for today's post, I choose to present you with my opinion on the 10 signs that prove, beyond a reasonable doubt, that the love you feel for your partner is one sided, thus, coming to an end real soon!

1. Continuous Disappointments: Whether you have had dinner plans or just agreed to talk on the phone, if your partner constantly misses out on those plans claiming: he lost his phone, he fell asleep, he was busy playing PS2, he couldn't talk, he lost his keys, he was caught up with the family, then you must know he doesn't really care!
2. Careless Attitude: If your tears mean nothing, if your pleads merely tickle his ears, if your fights never register, if he can easily shut you off and fall into his "beauty" sleep, you should know: he doesn't love you!
   
3. Lies and Half Truths: Once your partner begins lying to you or telling you half truths, your relationship is going down hill, destination: its doom! If someone loves you, they would not lie to you, they would not bring you half stories claiming that they are "protecting you"!
4. Advising You to Be with Another: Yes my friends, some men (and women) might actually suggest or even insist that their partner should date another and try being happy with him/her instead of growing some guts and fighting for the love they "have"! Therefore, love in this case id non existent!
   
5. Putting You on Standby: When your partner uses you as a free-time filler, nothing more, nothing less, plays you by calling you when he is bored, asking to see you when all other plans ended, don't kid yourself, he doesn't love you!
6. Keeping You a Secret: Let's assume you are a girl of 27 dating a guy of 32, you are not kids anymore and you don't really need to hide that relationship because you are supposed to be mature, decisive adults. Now, if your partner decides to hide you and keep you as a secret claiming that his parents won't approve, he doesn't love you! Seeing you after people have gone to bed and when the darkness has fallen to cover your faces while your roam the streets hidden in the car means he does not want others to know you exist: more options for him to seek and pursue!
7. A Partner in Need is a Partner Indeed: If you need to see or speak with your partner for any reason you deem important, he should respect that need. If he can not be there for you, to support you, hell, to take you to the hospital when you're home alone and there's no one to take care of you, be real: he doesn't love you!
8. Pushing You Out: A partner is supposed to let you in, keep you updated on his future plans, share with you his joys and his worries. If your partners pushes you out and doesn't include you in any of his thoughts, he doesn't love you, or even care!
9. Poisoned Words with No Actions: You have all heard the saying: "Actions speak louder than words" yet, I'm sure, many of you out there just take in the poisoned words of love and ignore action, that's ok. However, there is a certain limit to words and if you are just getting words, my friends you are being manipulated and trust me, you are not loved!
10. Being Far Down in the List: Loving someone makes them a priority to you, maybe not your first since some would say food and sleep are, but at least they would hold number 3, 4 or 5 in your priorities' list. If you find yourself lingering in one of the last few places in your partner's list, right after the dog and before finding another, you are not loved!

Love is supposed to bring you happiness and safety, make you forget the painful moments of the life you had lived before love and give you hope for a better day ahead. Love does not vow to logic and is not held back by what people think and what they force. Only true love can get you places. Only true love can open up doors for you and create "miracles". Only true love can make you feel the other's pain and give you tips on how to deal with him/her.

When you are in love, you would do anything to make the person you love happy. You will make sure they get what they need from you, you would fear for their lives and happiness equally.

There are ups and downs but nothing your two-sided faith in love can't fix or cure! However, one sided love will lead you to nothing but pain, anger, frustration to a point where you will lose yourself and end up being fragile, empty and hollow.

I hope that, unlike me, you have a better chance in love cause at this moment, I feel broken down to pieces with no hope of being stitched back together any time soon....

And remember: there's an art for manipulation... Be sure not to be fooled by it!

On Your Birthday...

I wish you didn't hate me now as much as you did a few years ago,

I wish you'd want for me to stay around rather than push me to go!

I heard the news last night, a special day it was for you (and me too);
Your birthday they all celebrated with smiles and wishes so true!

I wish I could have been there with you and amongst those who care,
I ached and chocked with tears because that day with you I couldn't share!

Yet, I didn't dare to call or be part of this happiness with you,
You would have hang up on my trials again, leaving me so blue!

So while thinking of a gift that will suit well this story's essence,
I thought I will simply bless you with my absolute and utter absence!

Happy Birthday Dear....

Divided We Are...

You and I, in different worlds we live, as one yet divided,
What to do next? Where to go now? It's always undecided...

You steal my smile and replace it with sizzling tears which tickle my sight,
Too long has passed that I seem to have lost my sense of wrong and right!

They blame me for you, their words, my heart, they penetrate,
Blinding me to my faith in love and pushing me towards hate!

Divided we are, you and I, no matter how close, so far we are apart,
I should've seen the signs from the beginning, walked away from the start!

Like bee stings to skin, your carelessness aches my soul as warm as could be,
You insist that whatever I do for you, you are you and I am, just me...

And as the music plays for my heart beats to dance in sorrow,
I inhale my misery and feel, simply, utterly and unbelievably hollow...

Divided we are, living as two, no past to look back to, no present to live,
Even the future has a dead end for us, regardless of all I have to give...

Take it All Back...

Take it all back just like you pretended to give it away...
Break me one more time, my heart is mutilated anyway!

Try to shake me more though you know that my grounds are trembling,
Go ahead, be like everyone else; shattering, painful and dissembling...

Talk about us behind my back, blame it all on my "bad" behavior!
You're just like anyone else, you put people down while acting like a savior!

Try to tame me and taint me more and more,
These tears I shed for you I HATE and abhor!

Take it all away, all those hollow nights, the empty words and all you did,
Take it all away, I placed a bet on us and I so sadly lost the bid!

You think you can play me? Just because you know how hard I collide?
You think you can easily abuse my heart because my emotions I can't hide?

Well "bravo" I tell you, you did it and to you I raise my hat in shame...
I'm not the victim here, I insist, I am the only one to blame!

I ache for the memories that were nothing to you,
I bleed again, I bleed for me and not for you...

As for me,

My apologies I extend to you because far from perfect I was and I admit,
Between the past, the present and the future, my damned soul was split!

I apologize for any time I caused you pain or any frown I drew on your face,
I apologize for allowing myself to be lost in your far from real embrace...

But most of all,

I apologize for seeing a family for me in your eyes,
For thinking that your smile is the cure for all my sighs...

I apologize for placing my happiness in your clumsy hands,
I apologize for laying my trust in your moving sands...

You made your point clear and now I must deal with this,
I just wish for serenity, not happiness, not love nor bliss...

Sticks & Stones Won't Hurt My Bones...

I woke up with warm tears burning my eyes and a truly pained frown:
Sticks and stones won't hurt my bones but words can bring me down...

I chocked up in words last night, I didn't know what to say or do...
Hearing your words of acid and poison, couldn't believe it's you!

How could we be so blind to others' feelings, how could we just ignore?
How could we just hurt and open wounds and simply walk out the door?

I wish I could just shut myself from the world, close my eyes, slip into an endless sleep,
By far these cuts bleed so much more than ever, I now understand that they are too deep!

To think you felt the need to explain all the things I knew with pointing fingers!
The echo of your voice resounds in my head, the hate in your tone still lingers!

I just wish that there will be mercy on my soul since I have a long day ahead,
I just wish I could erase the sorrow and take back in the tears that I shed!

Allow Me to Introduce Myselves to You...

I claim no fame, power or authority... That is something I have to make clear...
I just need you all to listen, very carefully, to everything I'm going to say here...

Whether it be day or night, at work, at home or out for fun,
May it be hot or cold, a rainy day or one blessed with sun...

I am many people living in one container called the body,
I maybe someone and might as well even be a nobody!

Therefore, after this brief introduction, allow me to introduce "myselves" to you!

A little girl with a heart so pure and untainted, simply wanting to run and play,
Mindless of the pains in the world, just living life carelessly day by day...

An angry rebel; trying hard to adapt to a world filled with misery and unjust,
Fighting for rights which have been unfairly taken, seeking answers in the dust!

An optimist with faith and hope that things will change to the better if I try,
Holding in the frustrations and smiling to the tears that slip from my eye...

A pessimist to the core, doubting everything and everyone around,
Fearing a sorrowful end with a chocked scream and a muffled sound...

I might smile all day but come the night I might break down in tears...
I might be confident at times while at others I might tremble in my fears!

Today I know what I want but tomorrow I might change my mind,
I might believe in love at many times although I know it is blind!

Moody and unpleasant I know I can be at any point of any day,
And I won't hide the pain I feel to avoid other people's dismay!

But overall, at least I know that I am many living in one,
That will never change, not after all the damages done!

**Special thanks to Tywak ( Break ) for the image...

Caution: Road Bump Ahead!

To someone who claims to have reached maturity at almost all levels, it seems to be rather juvenile to view the world in a multi-layered color scheme or to imagine that, with all the possible variable available, things will eventually turn out to be for my best interest.

Yet, I do!

Whether it be an insignificant action that causes a big problem and greater manifestations that ever expected with a family member or just simple unfulfilled expectations, which you promised yourself never to set, it feels as though we are constantly swimming upstream!

What I can't really grasp is the concept of "perfection", which seems to be the new trending topic of my days and what everyone is seeking to find in others while the truth of the matter remains to be: No one is perfect, no one can be perfect, and that is that!

Regardless of the efforts we invest in building ourselves to be strong, independent, well-rounded, caring intellectual givers, at the end of the day, when push comes to shove, we are who we are: Mortal fragile human beings made of flesh, blood, emotions, contradictions and in some cases, a whole lot of pain that we need time as well as support to digest!

Sometimes, I wish...

Clumsily, I do sometimes wish that in life, people would have been more cautious and aware of their behaviors, which ended up causing me indescribable pain and disappointments. I wish I was a clean white slate with no aching past to get over, no haunted present to live and no sealed future to fear...

But that can never be, and I am mature enough to realize that...

What worries me though, is the duration it will take me to be "me" once again and the slight chance that that could actually happen...

And then again, the questions that arise are:

Do I really want to be "me" again? Is "me" good enough? Is "me" able to overcome the many road pumps in my coming past and fix the damages done due to the past bumps I have passed?

Maybe, maybe not...

All I am certain of now is that I'm shattered in a million directions like shreds of a bullet which exploded and landed everywhere yet nowhere in specific...

I surrender now to my weakness, if only for a few minutes, and allow my tears to gently run over the paths of my tired face...

Beirut

The Things I Hate The Most...(1)

The things I hate the most are:

• Falling asleep or waking up with tears clouding my view.
• Eating alone.
• Losing trust in friendships, especially when it comes to those who were closer than family.
• Looking at my phone first thing when I get up and finding no messages.
• Being judged by those who never practice what they preach.
• Being accused of something I didn't do.
• Always feeling responsible for everyone I care about.
• Putting people first for the price of my own happiness.
• Being so angry and not being able to express it not even in words.
• Being underestimated.
• Seeing my mother cry.
• Being this sensitive and emotional and over analyzing every single thing in my life.
• Sending a message and waiting an eternity for a response.
• Being pushed to a level over my limits.
• Taking my responsibilities way too seriously.
• Trying to be strong no matter how weak I am.
• Spending hours thinking of whom I could call and find no one that I'd care to share with what I feel.
• The bad memories in my life.
• People who give up on things they claim they believe in.
• Being told to "chill" when I'm angry.
• People assuming they know me.
• Working so hard for something and failing to get it.