Wrong Turns...

Image By: Igor Jeremic

It is safe to say that life could be summarized by a set of roads leading to certain outcomes, which are, consequently, more roads!

Today, an unexpected reaction to an encounter, forced me think of those roads again, and of all those turns I've taken that lead to the road that I am currently on.

Somehow, the events of today made more impact on me than any other gut wrenching events that I have experienced lately and all those "ifs" and "maybes" came crashing down on me like hot meatballs in a spaghetti bowl!

And although I'd like to consider myself wise enough to let go of what could have been and try to deal with what is, I am unable to move past the fact that I seem to have taken so many wrong turns which have left me on a road that only leads to thorns and thunderstorms, of the heart and soul.

In a way, I feel responsible for this end, for where I am. On the other hand, I bitterly hold it against many people out there; those who have been reasons for many of my stops, sudden breaks and unplanned detours.

I just wish it didn't hurt this bad, or feel this painful. I just wish that my heart wasn't ripping away double time in my chest.

Somehow, I feel like the world is made of glass and I'm right at the edge of the only hard solid seat in the house. If I fall, my whole life will shatter into pieces. But I just keep slipping...

The Hard Way...

Image By: LL Geoff

Introduction...

As a person who NEVER got ANYTHING on a silver plate, I should have known better than to expect things to be easy and for problems to, eventually, solve themselves with time!

I was wrong, and I won't be ashamed of admitting my mistakes.

I won't blame where I am now on anyone but myself, although, GOD ONLY KNOWS, the elements and factors that lead me to the place I am right now.

I guess if I want to analyze it all, it all comes down to one thing and one thing only: my inexhaustible desire/need to BELONG to someone, something, anything!

Given the fact that I am well aware of my life's overall blunders, I now can see the size of the mistakes I have done in just in order to feel normal for once. And yet sadly, I never did.

Now that I am here, in a place where I feel trapped, alone and so insecure, I figure that I need to realize the next step and take it with careful considerations so at least when I fall this time, I can fall better.

The Hard Way...

This will not be easy since I will be utterly and completely honest about how I feel towards everyone and everything in my life because I need to set myself free from all the guilt, pain and fear that I find myself wrapped in every single day for the last many years...

However, the hard way has been the way for me. So here it goes:

1. Friends:

Oh how I have longed to have "real" friends for as long as I can remember. At times, I wanted friends to take care of me and at others, I wanted friends that I could take care of. Regardless of the reasons for this desire, I stand here and I look around me and at the "friends" that I have in my life, and I find that I have never been there for those whom I wanted to be there for (as a result of my sulking in my own crap) and the friends that were supposed to have been there for me abandoned me when I needed them the most.

But I don't blame them, I blame myself cause I should have known better, I should have expected less and I should have, at some times, been more.

However, now that I am where I am, I finally get it: I have been blessed with good friends at my most darkest times and their memories will live with me for as long as I will live. Yet, it ends there.

I promise myself in front of all of you that I will not run after friendships any longer, even if it means I will end up alone. Alone without friends is better than being with friends who only make you feel miserable, who only want you when you are happy or friends who want to control your life.

2. Family:

God only knows the number of days and nights that I have spent trying to be a good sister and daughter (even if it was my own definition of good).

Every day, I walk around with the burden of guilt towards those I want to be "perfect" for and yet can never ever be.

Don't get me wrong, I understand that I am not even close to being anything anyone wants me to be simply because I can't. But I really tried so hard. And I failed.

So I apologize.

And I also extend my apologies to include the fact that I will stop trying to be someone who I am not and for all the mistakes that I will keep doing until I eventually learn to do things otherwise, or until I die.

I will not allow the guilt of me not being there for those who push me away eat me up from inside any longer, even though I love them so much. I need to focus on me because the damage has gotten too far!

3. Love:

My story with love is the reason that I started writing many many years ago.

I must admit, love was kind to me at times and yet it kicked me in the face so many times that sometimes, when I look at the mirror, I don't recognize myself from the swelling!

If I sit alone with my thoughts for more than 5 minutes, the video of my failed love relationships plays over and over in my head. I dwell and dwell and yet never have I been able to figure out why is my luck in love this way. And is it my luck to begin with? Or the messed up choices that I make?

Regardless, today, I don't care about the reasons why Mr. X left me or Mr. Y cheated on me, or why and why my feelings to Mr. Z changed! That is besides the point simply because it happened and it ended and I have a long way to go already without the weight of ifs, whys and others holding me down.

Maybe I didn't deserve it, maybe I did.
Maybe I was the one, maybe I wasn't.

No one will be able to ever tell the difference. So, why should I even try? Why should I feel that I am not good enough? Or someone else is not good enough for me? Does it really make it any better? Never.

Whether I have given up on love with all its accompanying happiness and grief is still to be determined.

As for now, I would like to, for once, learn to love myself for the things I have worked so hard and so long to construct within me. Because that it what matters at the end; when I am in bed, sleepless, thoughtful and trembling with heart ache, that is the only thing that matters: who I am (and never who I was/am/will be for someone who might pick up and leave any time and for whatever reason it maybe).

Wow... It feels so good to let it all out. I hope this feeling lasts. And I will keep writing whenever the world seems to deaf to hear me. And I will keep looking for answers because there is no use of being alive otherwise.

I just wish that one day, I can find the peace I have been looking for...

March 23, 2011

Photo By: ClaWeD One

You might wonder about the title of this post, and you might not... Whatever you to decide to do, it is your own choice and I won't try to convince you otherwise!

However, allow me to try and explain the reason for it...

The title marks a new realization,
Of my current situation!
(And my past many as well)

It is a stamp and a final conclusion,
For the end of my every illusion!
(Of a better day)

Smile with others... Yet cry alone,
And never mute your pain with a drone...
(But keep"silent" on)

Lose yourself into you,
There's no shame in being blue...
(Very, very blue)

Be one with nature, not with another,
You don't need a merciless lover...
(Or friend)

Let go and just be,
Wait not for someone to set you free...
(And free you will be)

Water Tap...

Photo By:ClaWeD One

People's words are like nothing but broken taps indeed,
They always whisper to you whatever words you need!

They fill up buckets with useless promises & lies,
They then look you, reassuringly, in the eyes...

Wet and useless, each drop drops!
Yet you're alone, when your heart stops!

Silence... I can't hear it's beat,
I'm weeping, I'm weary and 'm beat!

But it's okay, it's alright,
No need to fuss, no need to fight!

I will retire...
For I am really tired...

I can't take any more...
I won't knock on this door...

Fools We Are!

When I needed a savior,
I thought it'd be you, but I was wrong!

Damn, this sounds like an old 50's song!

But it's not...
It's my guilty plea...

I am who I am, and sadly, no one else could I be!

But again, that's not the point...

But what the hell is?

I seriously doubt there is one!

I mean love, devotion, compassion, and all that crap...

Who cares?

All those ifs and maybes...

Then what?

Foolish...

Nothing more, nothing less!

Bowling Balls!

Photo By: aubrey_54

As I sit here all alone, trying so hard to soak my pain in, suddenly, it all turns into sheer, pure irony!

And as the colors and holes of the bowling balls frolic around so happily in my exhausted mind, I am reminded of the ignorance and sadness of human beings; how pitiful they can be...

Therefore, instead of writing a short poem about the pain I feel and how alone I am, I decide to revert to irony, hoping that it could somehow have the power to lift these shadows away from my weeping heart!

How little is our realization of how lucky can be,
And how unlucky we really are!

How sad it is to need some closeness,
While closeness remains so far!

How ignorant we are of our blessings,
Until they walk us by!

How much we want to live the moment,
Yet then we say goodbye!

How much value we place on friendship,
Then we end up alone!

How invisible we think we are,
Though we're only flesh & bone!

The colors of the bowling balls haunt me, and I realize the intensity of this ache...
I listen to my music and, just like a fragile piece of glass, I break, break and break...

Trapped in Limbo...

In my own mind, I wake up trapped,
Just like I did when I fell asleep...
The world is a movie that I watch while wrapped,
In endless thoughts that scream and weep!

Like a leafless tree I stand tall yet clueless,
Wondering what the next step should be...
Every solution I produce turns out to be useless,
And every one around me is too blind to see!

In my own heart, there are a billion questions,
About love, hope, family, life and chances...
I try hard to answer it back with empty suggestions,
Avoiding its doubtful and attacking glances!

Like a headless bird I fly, with no direction,
Aiming towards something I don't even know!
Needing more than warmth; purer protection,
Like a little girl, lost in the big white snow!

Stuck in limbo, been there for years now,
Every shore I reach seems like a trap!
To life's unfunny tricks I give a fat bow,
While I count every disappointment and mishap!

Yellow Heart

My wilted yellow heart aches,
My nightmare never breaks...

Like an infinite ride,
I run and you hide!

The ache is too painful,
Your words, too hateful...

The sorrow eats me away,
How long will your record play?

Nothing but lies & lies,
No emotions in your eyes...

Barely able,
Hardly stable.

I call for God's mercy to let me go,
I ask for reasons, you don't even know!

The Pain Chart!

For almost everything in life, there is a chart. Charts, simply pit, are graphical representations of information which allow us and others to understand the subject at hand more clearly through visuals.

Therefore, I wonder now, can matters of the heart be put into a chart and explained for dimwits who lack the ability to see and for ourselves to be able to see better?

Think about this:

A pain chart... Where would your pain rank?

Way at the top, or down under the last name,
How would the pain you feel rank today?
Add to that your loss of interest in the "game",
And people's desire to hurt and to play!

Although dwarfed by chaos and death,
Your pain remains alive and well,
You're out of fights and out of breath,
Degraded, jaded, invaded cell by cell!

Who can you compare to on the pain chart?
How can one measure matters of the heart?

"Damn the pain, and damn the chart!
Now that you and I are forever apart!"

Inspired by a fellow writer, and a friend...

Swing Me More...

I've heard many expressions and words that were used to describe the life we are living: some call it a box of chewing gum, others call it a box of chocolates. Some condemn their lives by calling it a roller coaster while others call it a never ending stream of pain. However, one of the most interesting ways to describe life is by comparing it to a swing:

Can't find the ground with my feet,
It's hot here and I can't stand the heat,
Feels like I'm stuck forever on this seat,
I call for help but no one is out on the street!

The swing keeps swinging; day in and day out,
Your voice is muffled by the wind; don't try to shout,
Nothing is certain so you hold on to doubt,
The fear is so dry; it redefined the drought!

Next to me lies an empty seat and I long for you,
It's sad how I sit alone although it's meant for two,
I kick real hard and somehow I drop my shoe,
Nothing changes: I'm on the swing, the sky is blue!

Forever I try to maintain momentum and adjust the pace,
Yet every time I close my eyes I see your beautiful grace,
With every kick I try to catch the memories, with every chase;
And every time I almost do, I'm haunted by your lost face!

On the swing and I am bored of swinging up and down,
One day with a smile, many others with a sad frown,
I take off one black dress to put on another black gown,
I play by the rules yet end up feeling like a clown!

The ropes of the swing are getting old,
It's getting late and it's getting real cold,
I cuddle up, I fold then unfold,
Just like any story that has never been told!

Like Broken Glass...

I feel empty:

Like an old dried up well,
Like broken glass,
Like a dead snail's shell!

I feel empty:

And it just keeps getting bigger with time,
Like a never ending scene by a skilled mime,
Like a faint tune with no specific rhyme!

I feel empty:

And I honestly do understand:
No one cares to hold my hand,
And alone, here, I need to stand!

I feel empty:

But it doesn't really matter anymore,
There is no use trying to fight this war,
Take my white flag for I'm closing the door!

Outside My Plain Old Door!

Life so carelessly continues outside my plain, old, wooden door,

It seems like I have been locked up in here longer than time!
The voices of those on the other side haunt me; too loud to ignore,
And the memory train follows me with thoughts not so sublime!

I have been down this road before, yet every time the pain is in a unique form,
The way my heart aches change: worn, broken, battered and sometimes torn!
It's like a summer with an infinite scorching sun, a winter with an endless storm,
Just like an infant who was never really made, conceived, or was actually born!

Decisions need to be made but my head feels light; bordering insanity,
Losing control of the steering wheel; can't see ahead, can't see the sides!
Running away from nothing and everything; fighting for my humanity,
Dipping into the shallow ends of the sea yet unable to survive the tides!

If I was a red rose; I'd be brown and wilted with burdens by now,
Yet somehow I manage to seem as if everything is just alright!
I take the slaps to my face, I take the blows and survive them somehow,
I tremble and fall and get up again trying to make it to the light!

Yet the light gets dimmer, the battery seems to be running out,
The tunnel seems to be getting longer and the car is low on gas!
I have so much but I lack what I can never do without,
And you expect me to believe that: "This too shall pass"?

If the Heart...

If time is out of tune, then waiting will devour you,
If the sound is out of touch, then what can you do?

If the heart feels no love, then it is no longer a heart,
If you can see that the end is coming, then why even start?

If your eyes can't hold the tears, then eyelids are useless tools,
If you can't fight for what you want, the you are all fools!

If your lips can't taste their wine, then lips should be removed,
If souls can't feel joy, then the essence of life is utterly consumed!

If the pain is so painful, then the pain must end somehow,
If life is this lifeless, then I must get up and scream right now!

The Illusion of Happiness

Human beings are the masters of orchestrating illusions and believing them!

On an autumn's morning, I get up and breathe in,
Lying to myself that the breaths which follow will be pure...
I push a smile on a tired face with no roots from within,
Another pre-broken promise to my soul that this pain I can endure!

On an autumn's morning, I carry a book and read,
Lying to myself that the words I read will elevate my misery...
I push away a negative thought yet a 100 others breed,
Another desperate attempt to herd away the painful imagery!

On an autumn's morning, I try to make sense of it all,
Lying to myself that the sense might make sense to me...
I push away regret and it comes bouncing back like a ball,
Another fake hope that it could, maybe, hopefully, set me free!

On an autumn's morning, I finally realize my illusions:
Things will never change; accept them the way they are...
I push away the pretenses and the million confusions:
Hope is fake, attempts are desperate and happiness is far!

Tick Tock Goes the Clock!

"Tick, tock" goes the clock, round and round it goes,
It never quits, it never stops. Till when? Nobody knows!

"Thump, thump" my heart batters to a sound of unheard beats,
Noise is all around my thoughts in my room and on the streets!

"Woosh, woosh" the notes of memories creeping through my mind,
Pain flocks gently in my being, with no escape and no where to hide!

"Hahaha" I hear the laughs of those who know nothing yet assume,
Those who live on emotions which they manipulate, hurt and consume!

".............." silence; and I am here all alone, once again, so fully incomplete,
Down to the ground, down once again, can't distinguish my head from my feet!

The Ugly Truth (1)

And You Still Want to Have Kids?

Most women are born with a great instinct: the maternal instinct!

Although many of them work hard to find the "right" man and build the "family" they have always dreamed of, I think only a few of them really consider the facts and statistics about the dangers that these children whom they choose to bring into this world may actually face.

Here are a few examples:

• Almost five children die everyday as a result of child abuse! Childhelp.org
• The incidence of suicide attempts reaches a peak during the mid-adolescent years, and mortality from suicide, which increases steadily through the teens, is the third leading cause of death at that age. Surgeon General
• Every year, millions of children are left alone in or around vehicles. This danger is greatly underestimated, and within a few minutes, your child could be abducted or become trapped in the vehicle’s trunk. WSOC
• A recent study found that one in five children online is approached by a sexual predator, a predator who may try to set up a face-to-face meeting. MSNBC
• Each year over 200,000 children are treated in hospital emergency rooms for playground equipment related injuries. The California Injury Lawyer
• Parents are to be warned of the dangers of giving their young children drinks, sweets and cakes containing specified artificial additives, as a result of new findings being made public for the first time today which confirm their link with hyperactivity and disruptive behavior. Guardian

In addition to the less obvious dangers such as:

• Being abused by a relative or even the father.
• Being subjected to bullying at school.
• Witnessing his/her mother being mistreated or beaten.
• Getting lost.
• Being in a car accident.

And many many other situations like these...

Putting all those facts aside, since we human beings always think that bad things happen to others and not our own, I wonder: Why do people really want to have kids?

Here is what I have found out by asking some friends and random people:

• I want someone to carry my name (How about the rest of the package? The DNA? The bad experiences? The sickness genes? did you consider that?)
• I want to have a family of my own (Do you really know if this is what's going to happen when you have a baby? What if your husband walks out? What if you lose your job? Or even better, your mind?)
• I like kids; they are cute! (Come on, are you serious?)
• I want to have kids to make it up to myself (How selfish could you be? All you are going to do is make them suffer for the mistakes you made!)

All this and you still want to have kids?

But hey... I am not here to judge so knock yourself out... (or knock someone up for that matter!)

The Ugly Truth (Prelude)

"Call me as you may: pessimistic, depressed, desperate, confused, angry, crazy, and even suicidal for I have learned, the hard way, that no matter what I do and no matter what I say, someone, somewhere will have something negative to say about me." Beirut

For so many years, I have been holding back what I really feel and see; it all has been bottled up inside scratching the surface at first, then reaching to the core of me and simply dissolving it away.

But this will finally change cause I am finally ready: to expose the world as I see it and as it deserves, nothing more, nothing less.

However, I do ask you to consider the following:

I will be very blunt and my honesty will be brutal. Apart from my feelings, all the events, situations, conversations and encounters will be based on exact facts as they happened.

So, if you consider yourself "happy-go-lucky", if you are an optimist or if you see a silver lining to every cloud and a light at the end of every tunnel, please do not read the coming posts. Also, if you are suicidal, please know that the same applies to you!

Thank you...

Room 602

Words... Don't they ever end?
&
Silence... Doesn't it ever get bored?
&
Thoughts: Millions of them, hovering around my squeamish head...

An empty soul & a full head: A great recipe for suicide!

Yet...
It never ends. It seems like it never will...

This whore we call life" breathing, hurting, breaking, taking...

Then the night falls, and a new day follows but things are the same yet different...

A cycle, a step, a tear.
&
Loss: of self, of being, of identity, in a forest of absolute nothingness...

The Sin of Forgetting...

Like a slap to the face,
An escaped embrace,
A haunting disgrace,
I realized that I had forgotten the most precious day...

Like a soul without a life,
A husband with a cheating wife,
A pain from a cutting knife,
I wept a stream of regrets that has come out to play...

Like another story with a bad end,
A truth that is too shameful to bend,
A love letter written yet remains unsent,
I begged the ache to leave, get out and go away...

For there is no bigger sin than forgetting what has changed my life forever,
What has broken my heart and stitched it back together,
So forgive me, "please", my heart pleads as true as ever...

Do You Not See Your Selfishness?

"Do You Not See Your Selfishness"? he asked, as the physical pain ripped her guts apart...
How dare she wake him from his dear sleep just to plead for a temporary cure?
How could she bring herself to dial his number where there was a slight chance that he could be sleeping?

The audacity - What a bitch!

Generals, dinners, dogs, pools, bikes, new adventures, moments lost in time, and all the other crap. They are worth more.

How low could she go? Comparing herself to a dog?

Self righteous excuse for a human being - that is what she became!

It is interesting how small our world feels when we are in contempt of the "heart court" in question.

It is even more interesting how human lives become almost insignificant when facing those with no heart, common sense or even sympathy.

Escape? That is one solution. But what about the memories? Can they escape you as well? Or will they only follow you, like your ugly shadow, wherever you go.

How ugly is a human being with no dignity, even if it was unwillingly stripped away from under his feet throughout the course of 3 degrading years!

Forgiveness? Overrated.

Love? An obsolete concept.

Loyalty? Who cares!

When the wheels of misfortune turn, the results will be painful for all participators.

And then what? You hear the news that your precious dream might never come true and you cry and you try to find a shoulder to lean on. All the good shoulders are taken, broken or have no bones!

You cry some more. You still breath, move, and think. You are still alive on the outside. No hope for you on the inside because you yourself feel lifeless.

You dream of a better day. Which reminds me of a next topic: Dreams should be illegal! Illusions, fake hope and an optimistic highway. Just like booze and drugs.

How foolish we are to believe in dreams. And in change as well.

Change? Nothing changes. Nothing at all: except maybe your perception of things after you have been beaten down, broken sideways and pulled apart. Only after you have lost your vision of right and wrong, does change come in and pounce on you!

Reality? Well, reality is real and you are stuck with it! Better make the best out of it! Simply accept what you are and make it your goal to find out what kind of dish you are going to cook for your husband tonight, or just let go of it and live in your illusions. The former is advisable!

To be continued.