The Hard Way...

Image By: LL Geoff

Introduction...

As a person who NEVER got ANYTHING on a silver plate, I should have known better than to expect things to be easy and for problems to, eventually, solve themselves with time!

I was wrong, and I won't be ashamed of admitting my mistakes.

I won't blame where I am now on anyone but myself, although, GOD ONLY KNOWS, the elements and factors that lead me to the place I am right now.

I guess if I want to analyze it all, it all comes down to one thing and one thing only: my inexhaustible desire/need to BELONG to someone, something, anything!

Given the fact that I am well aware of my life's overall blunders, I now can see the size of the mistakes I have done in just in order to feel normal for once. And yet sadly, I never did.

Now that I am here, in a place where I feel trapped, alone and so insecure, I figure that I need to realize the next step and take it with careful considerations so at least when I fall this time, I can fall better.

The Hard Way...

This will not be easy since I will be utterly and completely honest about how I feel towards everyone and everything in my life because I need to set myself free from all the guilt, pain and fear that I find myself wrapped in every single day for the last many years...

However, the hard way has been the way for me. So here it goes:

1. Friends:

Oh how I have longed to have "real" friends for as long as I can remember. At times, I wanted friends to take care of me and at others, I wanted friends that I could take care of. Regardless of the reasons for this desire, I stand here and I look around me and at the "friends" that I have in my life, and I find that I have never been there for those whom I wanted to be there for (as a result of my sulking in my own crap) and the friends that were supposed to have been there for me abandoned me when I needed them the most.

But I don't blame them, I blame myself cause I should have known better, I should have expected less and I should have, at some times, been more.

However, now that I am where I am, I finally get it: I have been blessed with good friends at my most darkest times and their memories will live with me for as long as I will live. Yet, it ends there.

I promise myself in front of all of you that I will not run after friendships any longer, even if it means I will end up alone. Alone without friends is better than being with friends who only make you feel miserable, who only want you when you are happy or friends who want to control your life.

2. Family:

God only knows the number of days and nights that I have spent trying to be a good sister and daughter (even if it was my own definition of good).

Every day, I walk around with the burden of guilt towards those I want to be "perfect" for and yet can never ever be.

Don't get me wrong, I understand that I am not even close to being anything anyone wants me to be simply because I can't. But I really tried so hard. And I failed.

So I apologize.

And I also extend my apologies to include the fact that I will stop trying to be someone who I am not and for all the mistakes that I will keep doing until I eventually learn to do things otherwise, or until I die.

I will not allow the guilt of me not being there for those who push me away eat me up from inside any longer, even though I love them so much. I need to focus on me because the damage has gotten too far!

3. Love:

My story with love is the reason that I started writing many many years ago.

I must admit, love was kind to me at times and yet it kicked me in the face so many times that sometimes, when I look at the mirror, I don't recognize myself from the swelling!

If I sit alone with my thoughts for more than 5 minutes, the video of my failed love relationships plays over and over in my head. I dwell and dwell and yet never have I been able to figure out why is my luck in love this way. And is it my luck to begin with? Or the messed up choices that I make?

Regardless, today, I don't care about the reasons why Mr. X left me or Mr. Y cheated on me, or why and why my feelings to Mr. Z changed! That is besides the point simply because it happened and it ended and I have a long way to go already without the weight of ifs, whys and others holding me down.

Maybe I didn't deserve it, maybe I did.
Maybe I was the one, maybe I wasn't.

No one will be able to ever tell the difference. So, why should I even try? Why should I feel that I am not good enough? Or someone else is not good enough for me? Does it really make it any better? Never.

Whether I have given up on love with all its accompanying happiness and grief is still to be determined.

As for now, I would like to, for once, learn to love myself for the things I have worked so hard and so long to construct within me. Because that it what matters at the end; when I am in bed, sleepless, thoughtful and trembling with heart ache, that is the only thing that matters: who I am (and never who I was/am/will be for someone who might pick up and leave any time and for whatever reason it maybe).

Wow... It feels so good to let it all out. I hope this feeling lasts. And I will keep writing whenever the world seems to deaf to hear me. And I will keep looking for answers because there is no use of being alive otherwise.

I just wish that one day, I can find the peace I have been looking for...

A Cradle for My Sleepless Soul...

In you, I have unearthed a cradle for my sleepless soul,
I've found you a temporary escape into my heart's parole!

With you, I float in an air of lightness and a hushed serenity,
I've found you a branch to hold onto a few steps from insanity!

Beside you, I feel as whole as a full moon on a summer's night,
I've found your beats a haven and in your rhythms I see the light!

As I hear you, I unfold, fold and unfold again, again and again,
I've found you to be my "happy pill", the lift and the crane!

As I live you, I am unplugged from the chaos inside my head,
I've found you to be the time when all thoughts to go to bed!

Sweet music: you are never the cause and always the cure,
The only true friend I have; always guiding me to the way to endure...

Smoke: It's You That I Long to Be...

Darkness...

A match, a sparkle, a rather nauseating scent and the candle is lit...

And then there is light...

Two lovers in twine, or maybe even just a group of friends fighting the electricity cuts!

Whispers, laughs and cheers,
Or maybe a few whines and tears...

As the candle burns out with time, freeing the smoke!

Smoke: It's you that I long to be...

A short-lived existence, barely touched and never scarred or pained,
A sour sweet scent with nothing to be lost and nothing to be gained!

A faint dance in the air, a wiggle, a boogie and a silent groove with or without a beat,
No heart to get broken, no emotions to be tainted, no headaches and surely no feet!

In the shades of the darkness you could flourish and in the dark you could roam,
With no hunger for a soul mate, no craving for a change, no longing for a home!

Never lonely could you ever become,
No talk, no tears and no hum!

Smoke: It's you whom I long to be...

Void from disappointments, far from responsibilities and just plain and simple: free!

Looking for A Home...(2)

I'm looking for a furnished home with the following specifications:

• 2 spacious bedrooms where love paints the walls, good memories are created and smiles echo in every corner.
• 1 cozy living room with couches that can comfortably accommodate family and friends, windows that welcome the rays of the sun with a new hope in the beginning of every day and curtains that will seal the anger of the sky on stormy nights.
  
• 1 kitchen with all the cooking accessories and a table in the middle with many chairs for one meal to bring us all together at least at lunch or dinner!
• A small garden where I can sit to write or just think, about happy times, and where roses tease me with their scent as soon as I step out and take a whiff of the cool breeze.
• A friendly neighborhood where morning greetings are a habit and not fake and where neighbors won't watch my every move, try to control me and mind their own business!
• A tolerating city in which I know I'm safe from eyes and judgments!
• A loving country which embraces me for everything that I am and everything that I can ever be...

If you can think of any place that matches this description, please don't hesitate to contact me.

Looking for A Home...(1)

Looking back, way back...
When I didn't have any white hairs whatsoever,
and my hair was still its natural color.
When I still bit my fingernails whenever I got frustrated,
and I had a low self-esteem that was inflated!
When I used to run around playing catch with the kids in our block,
and I only loved listening to only hip hop and rock!

Back then...
I was always looking for a home, somewhere I can belong to...
Searching for things in life that were real, that were true!
Never have I felt that regardless of where I was or with whom,
Every time something developed, there was a reason for wrong to bloom!

And now...
I still feel that I don't belong to any specific place or time,
When a blossom of hope flourishes I know a bell of sorrow will chime!
I still feel out of order, as if I am here by mistake,
As if falling into coma; not asleep neither am I awake!

I wish...
I wish I can find a place to call home and feel it from within,
A place where people's issues will not stoop my chin!
I wish I can feel at ease knowing that things will be fine,
Knowing, for a fact, there is no reason to frown or whine!

I ache...
In silence and unsaid words for I am too tired to speak,
My soul like crumbs of bread; traumatized and weak!