Down with the Machines!

This crazy trend of using "machines" in order to fulfill almost every aspect of our daily lives is becoming highly annoying and rather ridiculous! May they be computers, playstations, phones, cars, or any other electricity or fuel consuming, time wasting, people separating devices, the machines are taking over us!

Therefore, for my latest piece of machine generated "art", I present you with: Down with the Machines!

Mountains, oceans and distances can not separate us, but machines certainly can!
And whatever it is we want to do, the "machines" are always part of any plan!

The phones will keep ringing, mostly delivering the bad news like a crow of morose,
People tracking you down and whatever you do, wherever you go, someone knows!

Then there's the time set aside for games and the precious time we so ignorantly spend,
Forgetting the fact that every second broken you will never get back; you can never bend!

Our reality now is built on nothing more than e-mails, phones and other Internet tools,
Ignoring emotions and feelings, twisting, crunching and bending all humanities' rules!

Shame on me if I stand still when I see this world being dominated by "machines" and so!
Down with the machines I say, speak up, speak out, allow for the reality of who we are glow!

On Your Birthday...

I wish you didn't hate me now as much as you did a few years ago,

I wish you'd want for me to stay around rather than push me to go!

I heard the news last night, a special day it was for you (and me too);
Your birthday they all celebrated with smiles and wishes so true!

I wish I could have been there with you and amongst those who care,
I ached and chocked with tears because that day with you I couldn't share!

Yet, I didn't dare to call or be part of this happiness with you,
You would have hang up on my trials again, leaving me so blue!

So while thinking of a gift that will suit well this story's essence,
I thought I will simply bless you with my absolute and utter absence!

Happy Birthday Dear....

Hungry & Thirsty for Serenity...

I twist and ache, hungry and thirsty for serenity,
Troubled mind fumbling, body as weak as can be...

If you serve me a smile, tears are next on the menu,
If you are sweet to me, the next day we are through!

If I plead for your mercy, you kick me aside and away,
If I threaten to forget you, oh the games you'll play!

If I ask you for something, the favor lingers on my shoulder,
If I try to compromise, you insist on being meaner and colder!

I am lost; figuring you out is the biggest mystery to me,
I can't be found, as long as your love doesn't set me free!

Have I ever been a priority to you? I hardly believe so!
So why don't you leave? Take your lies and just go?

Love's Painful Chains...

"What I needed most was to love and to be loved, eager to be caught. Happily I wrapped those painful bonds around me; and sure enough, I would be lashed with the red-hot pokers or jealousy, by suspicions and fear, by burst of anger and quarrels". St. Augustine

I have spent my recent days in numbness, my dark nights in solitude,
I have tried my best to be alright, I have not found peace or gratitude...

All I needed was to love and be loved, all I needed was for this pain to find a cure,
Yet the thrones of life were scheming to rip me; too much anger rising that I can't endure!

I'm spread in all directions, pulled apart like a fallen birdman on the sidewalk of dead dreams!
Whether I call out or keep it all locked up inside, the sound is too muffled to unfurl my screams!

Where do I go? How do I run away from my senses, those which in chaos both boil and steam?
How do I teach my heart to be ice cold? How do I force my mind to lie, pretend and scheme?

Love Can Never Be Forced!

You might try hard to make yourself fall in love at times,
Trick your heart into believing that for her, only, it chimes!

You might make an effort to to be there and understand,
Hold her close at times, caress her and touch her hand!

You might think you know what you feel when she's around,
Try desperately to fly; jumping to lift your feet off the ground!

You might mix a crush and a lust with the true ache of love inside,
Lie to your senses and mind, while your real neutral feelings hide!

You might itch, lose sleep, ponder, act, wonder and crawl!
Yet, love can never be forced: it is either there or it isn't at all!

Wilted Garden...

If love is a flower, burn my garden cause all the flowers are wilted and dead.
If feelings were of crystal, drag them out of me and place rocks instead!
If the mind can't get over you, reboot my thoughts and snatch them out of my head!
And if dreams never come true, just torch this useless pillow and this damned bed!

If I stay here, a happy future for me is something I will never ever get!
If I go away, there are a million possible other if's that I will regret!
If I place a bet on us, I swear on my life that I will sadly lose this bet!
And if I can have only one wish, I would wish that we had never met!

If I say something or another, the opposite you swear is true,
If I try to come closer and make this work, all I am is angry and blue...
If I work on building trust, I'm bombarded with doubts by you!
And whatever can pain me or humiliate me, you so gladly do!

To be continued...

Please... No More!

Tears burning tired eyes of brown,
I wake up with an aching frown...

Tiny icicles scratching my throat to muteness: I can't speak,
I hate it when you make me feel this fragile and weak!

Thoughts of black running through my head,
Maybe it should have been you instead!

The power you have over me you use so skilfully,
You break my tender soul and you do it willfully!

Like a tick you suck the blood out of my heart,
Yet I bleed and ache in agony when we are apart!

I am so sick of this cycle to the point beyond any despair,
You feel nothing towards anything yet you act like you care!

And I feel like walking away, every day I do,
I contemplate a life so far away from you!

Then again I come back, missing your illusive embrace,
Craving the color of your eyes and the grin on your face!

Please... I beg you, no more, no more!
I am dying from my head to my core!

Subtle Purity...

Underneath layers of human flesh and bone, a certain warmth I've never felt before exists...
Where there is gloominess, sadness and pain, a serene smile on a glowing face so restfully sits...

Subtle purity wrapped around you changing you from the usual plain human presence,
Something about you shines so bright, something beautiful untouched in your essence...

If I hadn't known better, a child of light I would assume you were, an angel roaming earth,
May "God" in all his definitions protect you and bless your parents for this sacred birth...

I wish you endless joy with every breath you take for your peace has unusually touched my heart...
Yet I wonder how this goodness I could not see and how I almost resented you at the start!

(To be continued)

Divided We Are...

You and I, in different worlds we live, as one yet divided,
What to do next? Where to go now? It's always undecided...

You steal my smile and replace it with sizzling tears which tickle my sight,
Too long has passed that I seem to have lost my sense of wrong and right!

They blame me for you, their words, my heart, they penetrate,
Blinding me to my faith in love and pushing me towards hate!

Divided we are, you and I, no matter how close, so far we are apart,
I should've seen the signs from the beginning, walked away from the start!

Like bee stings to skin, your carelessness aches my soul as warm as could be,
You insist that whatever I do for you, you are you and I am, just me...

And as the music plays for my heart beats to dance in sorrow,
I inhale my misery and feel, simply, utterly and unbelievably hollow...

Divided we are, living as two, no past to look back to, no present to live,
Even the future has a dead end for us, regardless of all I have to give...

Three Hearts, Not One...

Some people have it easy, they live with one heart, more than often a barely functional one: unable to feel too much, love too deeply and therefore they give too little while forcing you to believe that it is all that they can give and it should be enough!

My curse, the real sorrow that breeds within the layers of my soul and my very existence, is the fact that I have 3 hearts and not one...

Where are they situated you might ask? Well, it is humanly possible to have more than one heart! Yet, within this heart that pumps blood, anger, sorrow and pain to each part of my body, there exists two smaller hearts that break and heal over and over again, endlessly, indefinitely...

Not only do those 3 hearts beat and break, they also love deeply and hurt painfully, 3 times more than anyone can!

The joy I feel, I feel so plenty and the sorrow I feel multiplied, intensified and heavy!

Take away my hearts, all of them, and leave me with none, for I am tired of love and pain... I am tired of you... I am tired of me... I am tired of this cycle of yes and no and maybe...

Quivering Incertitude...

All is well and good. Not really, but maybe at this point things are getting a little bit clearer than they were and have been for the past, hmm, 2 years (what seemed to feel like an eternity!) Now I know for sure: nothing will ever be the way I want it to be, or even close and many of those who are around me now need to be replaced as soon as possible!

I am uncertain about everything and nothing at the same time. Caught up in the web of intermingled emotions that are screaming for haven in every single direction!

I am a mess. A subtle mess, mixed with a dash of interlaced hopes and enchanted uncertainties!

What is next? What is right? What is wrong? What is real? What is fake? Where did I lose my way? How will I find it? What is my way anyway?

Hate, love - love, hate... This is how I feel towards everyone and everything around me... With no exclusions or exceptions...

Anger? Nothing but an emotion, which if unexpressed, builds up a volcano waiting, secretively, to explode!

Happiness? Overrated, unattractive, non-existent! Whatever glimpse of happiness-like feelings you might ever feel are short-lived and also surreal, as if made from the silky threads of your demented imagination!

And then, there is the "damned if you do, damned if you don't" theory... Basically, in simple terms it means that whatever you do, you are blamed for something or the other!

"If you try to be good, you are accused of being a hypocrite; if you are plain, you are mean!
If you say the truth, you are penalized; if you lie most probably you'll be caught and punished too!
If you try hard, you're being too easy; if you don't try hard, you don't care..."

And so on!

But who can draw the line? I mean really, who can decide what to do, with whom, where, how, why, why not and so on?

How can you pick your battles? How can you know who is really on your side and who will end up screwing you over?

I rest now... unrested... tired... hyper... baffled... worried... concerned... lost... found... here.. there... everywhere...

Missing, craving, wanting, needing, hoping, wishing, waiting... most of all aching... emotionally... nothing more... nothing less...

Loneliness & the Tight Box...

Allow my to start this piece by stressing the following facts:

• I am 26 yet feeling as if I am living my 50 year-old mother's life.
  
• I am struggling with a bunch of past and present related issues that seem to have no solution no matter how hard I try!
• I am at the lowest point of loneliness I have ever been since as long as I can remember!

Loneliness...

"Loneliness is a state of mind", I agree...
However, during its worst phases, when the dark lays its wings upon the earth leaving it hollow and unfamiliar, loneliness begins to feel like being forced to sit in a small, barely human-sized box, with no windows, doors or any kind of ventilation while you are diagnosed with a severe case of claustrophobia!

Slowly, you start losing the pace of your breath, as if being strangled with a thin, copper wire. You grasp for air but you can't seem to be able to take any of it in... You squeeze your chest, try to expand your diaphragm, switch your seating position... Nothing works...

You close your eyes... Real tight... Wish for this wave of loneliness to end and for another, yet lonely day, to begin... You wait for the dark to be lifted and hope that with the day's sun, you'll breathe with more ease... The morning break doesn't come...

In a box... With no one there but you, your pains, fears, disappointments and memories of those whom you miss, wedged in this tiny space... The more you think, the bigger the space your thoughts occupy and the tighter the box gets...

Within the very limited breathing air left, you take a few sips of air to call out for help... No one can hear you... No one really cares... You fall silent again...

Now, you're left with no air and no space to move... Your body goes into shock... You tremble, hallucinate, and then fall into a coma-like sleep...

A few hours later, you wake up, to find yourself on your bed, your body touching the crispy white sheets, your face caressing the fluffy pillow, and still alone, with fragments of memories of the horrible night before to keep you company through the day...

She Wept!

As if buried, deep inside a wall, trying harder and harder to push her way through the stones and rubble... Panting, reaching out, stumbling, falling down...

She wept...

Those were not the ordinary tears that you see any time she cries: this time, her tears were made of acid that slipped down her face burning her cheeks and leaving her numbed, as if fresh out of a plastic surgery...

She cried, no, wept, for 2 hours straight, non stop, with each tear ripping her insides just as the one before and the one right after...

She wept for the things she lost yet cherished so much...
She wept for the need in her to feel a warm sincere touch...

She ached, in her guts, for all the things her empty life was without,
She ached for the last time she was sure of anything, with no doubt!

Her eyes so puffed up, like cereal, "some milk please?"
She swallowed up a choked smile with no ease...

She wished someone, anyone, would try to understand...
She wished that someone would just take her hand...

Whether or not it was right to feel this way, she did feel it now!
And the pain from the past and the present has to be stopped somehow!

Another Night...

One too many nights have come by, knocked at my hope's door, and simply, just like a dream, gone away... and he didn't show...

Last night was no different...

To better suit my disappointment and his absence, I rearranged the night, the room, the setting and the general ambiance...

Once again, I put out his candles and turned on the lights; trying to overcome the darkness, which lingered there, too dusky to comprehend!

Once again, the scent of the perfume wrapping the body evaporated into nothingness and the silkiness of the skin was only felt by the cold, senile sheets...

Once again, the eagerness turned into a marriage of longing and craving with anger and vexation...

Curtains down.. The night folds, and another morning forces itself upon me...

I hold the 2 coloring pencils; I use one to draw a pinkish shadowed smile on my lips and the with the other a fading dimple on the inner side of the cheeks, and head out to yet another day, followed by yet another night...

Quote of the Day...

"Unless commitment is made, there are only promises and hopes; but no plans." ~ Peter F. Drucker

Quote of the Day...

"Love cures people - both the ones who give it and the ones who receive it". -Karl A. Menninger

Quote of the Day...

"In true dialogue, both sides are willing to change." – Thich Nhat Hanh

The Analogy of the Fly!

Every single day, I developed a habit to take a few five minute breaks during work hours, head down to the garden outside, stand there in silence and observe nature, closely, deeply...

On each day, I see something within the many layers and levels of nature that makes me wonder how similar we are to the elements of nature; how we are not that different from the bee which roams the garden trying to find the perfect flower to suckle on, the tree which stands there proud although involuntarily, the flower which tries to tease its observer with its colors and gentleness and so on...

But today, the most distinguished element of nature, which was able to capture and even more so, grab my attention was a fly!

As I stood there staring at a window from outside, I noticed a fly eagerly bashing its tiny little head against the window, trying to get out! Below the fly, at the window sill, I was able to notice a couple of dead fellow flies and bees, who apparently tried to do the same thing yet sadly failed.

This observation would have been utterly useless if it weren't for the fact that behind the window the lost fly was so vigorously attacking, there was a very wide space and a bit further, there was a door which lead to the garden i.e, freedom!

Despite the fact that the fly, as well as other insects, are structured in a way that ensures their survival to a large extent, the fly stopped at the dead end, the window, and refused to think of any other alternatives that could in fact save its existence!

Finally, the question I'd like to ask here, based on this observation, is as follows: How "fly-like" can we be when placed in a pseudo corner of making a decision or taking a stand!

Random Observation: Tangibles & Closure!

The more I think about it, the more I truly believe that there exists a very high relation or even correlation between tangibles - such as cars, mobile phones and so on- and closure between two people who have ended, or in the process of ending, a relationship.

The way I see it, after having been subjected to the situation and seeing others undergo it as well, tangibles constitute a large part of any relationship, regardless of its nature, strength or purity. The tangibles we have throughout the relationship start forming some bond with our partner during his presence in our lives. If we really want to move on, it only seems objective for us to replace all the tangibles that now remind us of that one-upon-a-time partner!

Let's take a car for example, you spend hours in a car together with your partner, you laugh, argue, touch; create memories... How hard would it be to go in your car, every single day, knowing that the person who you've shared all those times with, in this particular car, is now gone? Naturally, this applies to furniture, such as a bed or a couch and the list goes on!

To some, even a mobile phone could be the tangible to replace after replacing the partner!

I guess it all depends on the budget and the will to move on!

Leaving the country seems like the best solution to replace most tangibles at once, wouldn't you agree?

ابحث في عيون الناس

ابحث في عيون الناس عن وطن يضم احزانك ومآسيك
ابحث ايضا عن قلب صادقٍ يحضنك ويعطيك وعني يغنيك
هل يا ترى بعد بحثك هذا سوف تجد من ينسيك؟

قل كلاما جارحا مؤلما مجردا من الاحاسيس
لا تكن لي حبيبا ولا صديقا ولا لايامي ونيس
اطفيء بغضبك جمرة الحب وشعلة الفوانيس

اذهب في اي وجهة تشاء وعن اليالي ارحل كما تريد
او ابق واطعمني العلقم ومن خمرة لسعتك اسقني المزيد