Wrong Turns...

Image By: Igor Jeremic

It is safe to say that life could be summarized by a set of roads leading to certain outcomes, which are, consequently, more roads!

Today, an unexpected reaction to an encounter, forced me think of those roads again, and of all those turns I've taken that lead to the road that I am currently on.

Somehow, the events of today made more impact on me than any other gut wrenching events that I have experienced lately and all those "ifs" and "maybes" came crashing down on me like hot meatballs in a spaghetti bowl!

And although I'd like to consider myself wise enough to let go of what could have been and try to deal with what is, I am unable to move past the fact that I seem to have taken so many wrong turns which have left me on a road that only leads to thorns and thunderstorms, of the heart and soul.

In a way, I feel responsible for this end, for where I am. On the other hand, I bitterly hold it against many people out there; those who have been reasons for many of my stops, sudden breaks and unplanned detours.

I just wish it didn't hurt this bad, or feel this painful. I just wish that my heart wasn't ripping away double time in my chest.

Somehow, I feel like the world is made of glass and I'm right at the edge of the only hard solid seat in the house. If I fall, my whole life will shatter into pieces. But I just keep slipping...

The Hard Way...

Image By: LL Geoff

Introduction...

As a person who NEVER got ANYTHING on a silver plate, I should have known better than to expect things to be easy and for problems to, eventually, solve themselves with time!

I was wrong, and I won't be ashamed of admitting my mistakes.

I won't blame where I am now on anyone but myself, although, GOD ONLY KNOWS, the elements and factors that lead me to the place I am right now.

I guess if I want to analyze it all, it all comes down to one thing and one thing only: my inexhaustible desire/need to BELONG to someone, something, anything!

Given the fact that I am well aware of my life's overall blunders, I now can see the size of the mistakes I have done in just in order to feel normal for once. And yet sadly, I never did.

Now that I am here, in a place where I feel trapped, alone and so insecure, I figure that I need to realize the next step and take it with careful considerations so at least when I fall this time, I can fall better.

The Hard Way...

This will not be easy since I will be utterly and completely honest about how I feel towards everyone and everything in my life because I need to set myself free from all the guilt, pain and fear that I find myself wrapped in every single day for the last many years...

However, the hard way has been the way for me. So here it goes:

1. Friends:

Oh how I have longed to have "real" friends for as long as I can remember. At times, I wanted friends to take care of me and at others, I wanted friends that I could take care of. Regardless of the reasons for this desire, I stand here and I look around me and at the "friends" that I have in my life, and I find that I have never been there for those whom I wanted to be there for (as a result of my sulking in my own crap) and the friends that were supposed to have been there for me abandoned me when I needed them the most.

But I don't blame them, I blame myself cause I should have known better, I should have expected less and I should have, at some times, been more.

However, now that I am where I am, I finally get it: I have been blessed with good friends at my most darkest times and their memories will live with me for as long as I will live. Yet, it ends there.

I promise myself in front of all of you that I will not run after friendships any longer, even if it means I will end up alone. Alone without friends is better than being with friends who only make you feel miserable, who only want you when you are happy or friends who want to control your life.

2. Family:

God only knows the number of days and nights that I have spent trying to be a good sister and daughter (even if it was my own definition of good).

Every day, I walk around with the burden of guilt towards those I want to be "perfect" for and yet can never ever be.

Don't get me wrong, I understand that I am not even close to being anything anyone wants me to be simply because I can't. But I really tried so hard. And I failed.

So I apologize.

And I also extend my apologies to include the fact that I will stop trying to be someone who I am not and for all the mistakes that I will keep doing until I eventually learn to do things otherwise, or until I die.

I will not allow the guilt of me not being there for those who push me away eat me up from inside any longer, even though I love them so much. I need to focus on me because the damage has gotten too far!

3. Love:

My story with love is the reason that I started writing many many years ago.

I must admit, love was kind to me at times and yet it kicked me in the face so many times that sometimes, when I look at the mirror, I don't recognize myself from the swelling!

If I sit alone with my thoughts for more than 5 minutes, the video of my failed love relationships plays over and over in my head. I dwell and dwell and yet never have I been able to figure out why is my luck in love this way. And is it my luck to begin with? Or the messed up choices that I make?

Regardless, today, I don't care about the reasons why Mr. X left me or Mr. Y cheated on me, or why and why my feelings to Mr. Z changed! That is besides the point simply because it happened and it ended and I have a long way to go already without the weight of ifs, whys and others holding me down.

Maybe I didn't deserve it, maybe I did.
Maybe I was the one, maybe I wasn't.

No one will be able to ever tell the difference. So, why should I even try? Why should I feel that I am not good enough? Or someone else is not good enough for me? Does it really make it any better? Never.

Whether I have given up on love with all its accompanying happiness and grief is still to be determined.

As for now, I would like to, for once, learn to love myself for the things I have worked so hard and so long to construct within me. Because that it what matters at the end; when I am in bed, sleepless, thoughtful and trembling with heart ache, that is the only thing that matters: who I am (and never who I was/am/will be for someone who might pick up and leave any time and for whatever reason it maybe).

Wow... It feels so good to let it all out. I hope this feeling lasts. And I will keep writing whenever the world seems to deaf to hear me. And I will keep looking for answers because there is no use of being alive otherwise.

I just wish that one day, I can find the peace I have been looking for...

March 23, 2011

Photo By: ClaWeD One

You might wonder about the title of this post, and you might not... Whatever you to decide to do, it is your own choice and I won't try to convince you otherwise!

However, allow me to try and explain the reason for it...

The title marks a new realization,
Of my current situation!
(And my past many as well)

It is a stamp and a final conclusion,
For the end of my every illusion!
(Of a better day)

Smile with others... Yet cry alone,
And never mute your pain with a drone...
(But keep"silent" on)

Lose yourself into you,
There's no shame in being blue...
(Very, very blue)

Be one with nature, not with another,
You don't need a merciless lover...
(Or friend)

Let go and just be,
Wait not for someone to set you free...
(And free you will be)

Water Tap...

Photo By:ClaWeD One

People's words are like nothing but broken taps indeed,
They always whisper to you whatever words you need!

They fill up buckets with useless promises & lies,
They then look you, reassuringly, in the eyes...

Wet and useless, each drop drops!
Yet you're alone, when your heart stops!

Silence... I can't hear it's beat,
I'm weeping, I'm weary and 'm beat!

But it's okay, it's alright,
No need to fuss, no need to fight!

I will retire...
For I am really tired...

I can't take any more...
I won't knock on this door...

Fools We Are!

When I needed a savior,
I thought it'd be you, but I was wrong!

Damn, this sounds like an old 50's song!

But it's not...
It's my guilty plea...

I am who I am, and sadly, no one else could I be!

But again, that's not the point...

But what the hell is?

I seriously doubt there is one!

I mean love, devotion, compassion, and all that crap...

Who cares?

All those ifs and maybes...

Then what?

Foolish...

Nothing more, nothing less!

Bowling Balls!

Photo By: aubrey_54

As I sit here all alone, trying so hard to soak my pain in, suddenly, it all turns into sheer, pure irony!

And as the colors and holes of the bowling balls frolic around so happily in my exhausted mind, I am reminded of the ignorance and sadness of human beings; how pitiful they can be...

Therefore, instead of writing a short poem about the pain I feel and how alone I am, I decide to revert to irony, hoping that it could somehow have the power to lift these shadows away from my weeping heart!

How little is our realization of how lucky can be,
And how unlucky we really are!

How sad it is to need some closeness,
While closeness remains so far!

How ignorant we are of our blessings,
Until they walk us by!

How much we want to live the moment,
Yet then we say goodbye!

How much value we place on friendship,
Then we end up alone!

How invisible we think we are,
Though we're only flesh & bone!

The colors of the bowling balls haunt me, and I realize the intensity of this ache...
I listen to my music and, just like a fragile piece of glass, I break, break and break...

Trapped in Limbo...

In my own mind, I wake up trapped,
Just like I did when I fell asleep...
The world is a movie that I watch while wrapped,
In endless thoughts that scream and weep!

Like a leafless tree I stand tall yet clueless,
Wondering what the next step should be...
Every solution I produce turns out to be useless,
And every one around me is too blind to see!

In my own heart, there are a billion questions,
About love, hope, family, life and chances...
I try hard to answer it back with empty suggestions,
Avoiding its doubtful and attacking glances!

Like a headless bird I fly, with no direction,
Aiming towards something I don't even know!
Needing more than warmth; purer protection,
Like a little girl, lost in the big white snow!

Stuck in limbo, been there for years now,
Every shore I reach seems like a trap!
To life's unfunny tricks I give a fat bow,
While I count every disappointment and mishap!

Yellow Heart

My wilted yellow heart aches,
My nightmare never breaks...

Like an infinite ride,
I run and you hide!

The ache is too painful,
Your words, too hateful...

The sorrow eats me away,
How long will your record play?

Nothing but lies & lies,
No emotions in your eyes...

Barely able,
Hardly stable.

I call for God's mercy to let me go,
I ask for reasons, you don't even know!

Little Fat Liar!

A little fat liar knocked at my door,

I didn't recall seeing him before!

I opened my door & let him inside,
Never choosing to look behind!

The little fat liar broke my home down,
I begged him with tears to stop!
He watched me beg, he watched me frown,
His innocent act he refused to drop!

Now my home is a living hell,
Yet he remains alive & well!

The little fat liar got what he wants,
My life he stole & my dreams he still haunts!

Feel Me, Read Me, See Me

Photo By: Beirut

Read me like a puzzle; with all of its missing pieces,
Like a children's book which you read to your nieces!

Dive into my complications...
Live my realizations...

Hear me like a lullaby; see how two could become one;
As if joined, share my joy & the sweat from an endless run...

Come into my revelations,
Ride the aspirations...

See me, as I am and not whom you expect me to be,
Like a ship at bay; still not ready to sail out to the sea...

Walk by my insanities,
Decipher my realities...

Feel me, like a winter's chill or a summer's fall,
Like an old lady's smile and a baby's first crawl!

I'm nothing but a girl finding me way through...
I'm nothing but a girl with many keys and no clue!

A Cradle for My Sleepless Soul...

In you, I have unearthed a cradle for my sleepless soul,
I've found you a temporary escape into my heart's parole!

With you, I float in an air of lightness and a hushed serenity,
I've found you a branch to hold onto a few steps from insanity!

Beside you, I feel as whole as a full moon on a summer's night,
I've found your beats a haven and in your rhythms I see the light!

As I hear you, I unfold, fold and unfold again, again and again,
I've found you to be my "happy pill", the lift and the crane!

As I live you, I am unplugged from the chaos inside my head,
I've found you to be the time when all thoughts to go to bed!

Sweet music: you are never the cause and always the cure,
The only true friend I have; always guiding me to the way to endure...

An Illusion of a Home...

What is a home...

Without smiles that bounce off the walls?
Without pictures to liven up the silent halls?

What is a home...

Without an embrace after a day's rush?
Without hope and love in absolute lush?

What is a home...

Without a soul to hear my tears at night?
Without someone to stop this internal fight?

What is a home...

Nothing but stones, mud and nails,
A harbored ship which never sails!
A mystical cat with many furry tails!

An illusion of a home... Nothing more, nothing less...

I Long for You...

I long for you...

For the endless nights,
For the shallow fights,
For the dimmed lights...

I long for you...

Every morning when I open my eyes,
Every time I try to mute the sighs,
Often, when I am consumed with cries!

I long for you...

A free shore for my restless trip,
A warm embrace after a wet dip,
A cure from every poison's sip!

I long for you...

And I wonder: where you are,
How could you be so far,
& what do I do with this scar?

The Pain Chart!

For almost everything in life, there is a chart. Charts, simply pit, are graphical representations of information which allow us and others to understand the subject at hand more clearly through visuals.

Therefore, I wonder now, can matters of the heart be put into a chart and explained for dimwits who lack the ability to see and for ourselves to be able to see better?

Think about this:

A pain chart... Where would your pain rank?

Way at the top, or down under the last name,
How would the pain you feel rank today?
Add to that your loss of interest in the "game",
And people's desire to hurt and to play!

Although dwarfed by chaos and death,
Your pain remains alive and well,
You're out of fights and out of breath,
Degraded, jaded, invaded cell by cell!

Who can you compare to on the pain chart?
How can one measure matters of the heart?

"Damn the pain, and damn the chart!
Now that you and I are forever apart!"

Inspired by a fellow writer, and a friend...

After the Storm...

The silence after the storm is deafening: no hum, no sound,
All the pieces of everything have fallen dead on the ground!

The stench of the past still covers every inch of the place,
The wetness of the heart's rain occupies the empty space!

The touch of the wood on the walls no longer feels the same,
The suppleness of its texture vanished with the burning flame!

The taste of the air is salty, mixed with rubble and sand,
I look around yet I can't find your, once soothing, hand!

The storm is tricky; it comes along with no warning ahead,
Leaving you breathless with memories of words once said!

Searching for meaning has yet to haunt your stride,
However, from the mind's chaos, there is no chance to hide!

Swing Me More...

I've heard many expressions and words that were used to describe the life we are living: some call it a box of chewing gum, others call it a box of chocolates. Some condemn their lives by calling it a roller coaster while others call it a never ending stream of pain. However, one of the most interesting ways to describe life is by comparing it to a swing:

Can't find the ground with my feet,
It's hot here and I can't stand the heat,
Feels like I'm stuck forever on this seat,
I call for help but no one is out on the street!

The swing keeps swinging; day in and day out,
Your voice is muffled by the wind; don't try to shout,
Nothing is certain so you hold on to doubt,
The fear is so dry; it redefined the drought!

Next to me lies an empty seat and I long for you,
It's sad how I sit alone although it's meant for two,
I kick real hard and somehow I drop my shoe,
Nothing changes: I'm on the swing, the sky is blue!

Forever I try to maintain momentum and adjust the pace,
Yet every time I close my eyes I see your beautiful grace,
With every kick I try to catch the memories, with every chase;
And every time I almost do, I'm haunted by your lost face!

On the swing and I am bored of swinging up and down,
One day with a smile, many others with a sad frown,
I take off one black dress to put on another black gown,
I play by the rules yet end up feeling like a clown!

The ropes of the swing are getting old,
It's getting late and it's getting real cold,
I cuddle up, I fold then unfold,
Just like any story that has never been told!

Like Broken Glass...

I feel empty:

Like an old dried up well,
Like broken glass,
Like a dead snail's shell!

I feel empty:

And it just keeps getting bigger with time,
Like a never ending scene by a skilled mime,
Like a faint tune with no specific rhyme!

I feel empty:

And I honestly do understand:
No one cares to hold my hand,
And alone, here, I need to stand!

I feel empty:

But it doesn't really matter anymore,
There is no use trying to fight this war,
Take my white flag for I'm closing the door!

Outside My Plain Old Door!

Life so carelessly continues outside my plain, old, wooden door,

It seems like I have been locked up in here longer than time!
The voices of those on the other side haunt me; too loud to ignore,
And the memory train follows me with thoughts not so sublime!

I have been down this road before, yet every time the pain is in a unique form,
The way my heart aches change: worn, broken, battered and sometimes torn!
It's like a summer with an infinite scorching sun, a winter with an endless storm,
Just like an infant who was never really made, conceived, or was actually born!

Decisions need to be made but my head feels light; bordering insanity,
Losing control of the steering wheel; can't see ahead, can't see the sides!
Running away from nothing and everything; fighting for my humanity,
Dipping into the shallow ends of the sea yet unable to survive the tides!

If I was a red rose; I'd be brown and wilted with burdens by now,
Yet somehow I manage to seem as if everything is just alright!
I take the slaps to my face, I take the blows and survive them somehow,
I tremble and fall and get up again trying to make it to the light!

Yet the light gets dimmer, the battery seems to be running out,
The tunnel seems to be getting longer and the car is low on gas!
I have so much but I lack what I can never do without,
And you expect me to believe that: "This too shall pass"?

If the Heart...

If time is out of tune, then waiting will devour you,
If the sound is out of touch, then what can you do?

If the heart feels no love, then it is no longer a heart,
If you can see that the end is coming, then why even start?

If your eyes can't hold the tears, then eyelids are useless tools,
If you can't fight for what you want, the you are all fools!

If your lips can't taste their wine, then lips should be removed,
If souls can't feel joy, then the essence of life is utterly consumed!

If the pain is so painful, then the pain must end somehow,
If life is this lifeless, then I must get up and scream right now!

The Illusion of Happiness

Human beings are the masters of orchestrating illusions and believing them!

On an autumn's morning, I get up and breathe in,
Lying to myself that the breaths which follow will be pure...
I push a smile on a tired face with no roots from within,
Another pre-broken promise to my soul that this pain I can endure!

On an autumn's morning, I carry a book and read,
Lying to myself that the words I read will elevate my misery...
I push away a negative thought yet a 100 others breed,
Another desperate attempt to herd away the painful imagery!

On an autumn's morning, I try to make sense of it all,
Lying to myself that the sense might make sense to me...
I push away regret and it comes bouncing back like a ball,
Another fake hope that it could, maybe, hopefully, set me free!

On an autumn's morning, I finally realize my illusions:
Things will never change; accept them the way they are...
I push away the pretenses and the million confusions:
Hope is fake, attempts are desperate and happiness is far!