Wrong Turns...

Image By: Igor Jeremic

It is safe to say that life could be summarized by a set of roads leading to certain outcomes, which are, consequently, more roads!

Today, an unexpected reaction to an encounter, forced me think of those roads again, and of all those turns I've taken that lead to the road that I am currently on.

Somehow, the events of today made more impact on me than any other gut wrenching events that I have experienced lately and all those "ifs" and "maybes" came crashing down on me like hot meatballs in a spaghetti bowl!

And although I'd like to consider myself wise enough to let go of what could have been and try to deal with what is, I am unable to move past the fact that I seem to have taken so many wrong turns which have left me on a road that only leads to thorns and thunderstorms, of the heart and soul.

In a way, I feel responsible for this end, for where I am. On the other hand, I bitterly hold it against many people out there; those who have been reasons for many of my stops, sudden breaks and unplanned detours.

I just wish it didn't hurt this bad, or feel this painful. I just wish that my heart wasn't ripping away double time in my chest.

Somehow, I feel like the world is made of glass and I'm right at the edge of the only hard solid seat in the house. If I fall, my whole life will shatter into pieces. But I just keep slipping...

Down the Memory Path

Photo By Terra Kate

Sometimes, memories of a time that seems so far away, almost unreal, come knocking at your door:

A time when your pain felt like a bleeding tumor... Or a time when you threatened to leave and begged to be free...

Those times when life seemed impossible and a smile seemed deceased and unthinkable!

Luckily though, we, human beings, are running against the tide of life, trying to make it through... Our daily struggles outweigh the painful memories of life and force us to move on and forget...

But at night, when we are all alone, without a breath by our side, a snore in our ear or even alcohol to numb our senses, the memories find a hole to seep through and tickle our imagination...

And somehow, for just a few minutes before we go to sleep, they take over us and seize our actual existence...

Whether good or bad... Cheers to the almighty memories!

Sweat Drops...

I'm amazed, no, actually, I am bedazzled:

How could one bleed this much inside and still be alive? How could one sweat in the midst of the cold night? How could one lose sleep for many nights in a row? How could one scream to be heard, so loud, and yet no one can hear those screams? How could one be so lonely yet not choke from all the anger and pain swallowed, gulp by gulp, day by day?

I know what you're thinking: Come on! It's almost new year's! Cheer up, celebrate!

Hehe... Yeah, I know... I'm more bored with my sorrow than you are at this point. Therefore, if you're in a good mood, I urge you to leave this post now and go see a loved one, go out with friends, have a drink, hell, have a PARTY!

Otherwise, you are welcomed to be here, share my pain with me...

So, for those of you who decided to stay, allow me to let you in on a little secret: I think I am death proof! I think it's God's way of punishing me for whatever sins I have committed when I was younger, or maybe even in another life!

Leaving aside the emotional traumatizing accidents, the physical incidents which could have easily got me killed, all failed! And I'm still here!

So little food, so little sleep... And I'm still here!
Too much stress, problems and anger... And I'm still here!
Too little overrated happy moments stolen in time... And I'm still here!
Too much physical damage caused by my indefinite pain... And I'm still here!

ENOUGH!

To be continued... Or maybe not!

Love Vs. Infatuation: Different Views...

"When you are in love you will just know it. There is no formula or logic to love. You just feel it in your heart, your mind, and your soul. The feeling is something you can't describe but can arise at any moment, triggered by a memory, a word or a thought of that special person. The difference between a crush/infatuation and real love is that a crush is someone you may forget about during the course of a day/week/month. Someone you may think of a few moments from time-to-time that you can do fun things with such as dates, dinner, and movies. A real love is someone that you cannot live without, someone who is constantly on your mind, day in and day out. It's someone you can't wait to talk to next. Someone who you can't wait to see for whatever reason!"

"You know you're in love when there is no hesitation in expressing yourself. When you feel you can share anything and everything. When you are not anxious about making a commitment. Mostly, you don't feel the need to look around for greener pasture. You don't think that maybe the next man you meet may be better. You are willing to check this relationship out...see where it goes. A crush or an infatuation doesn't last long -- it's not satisfying and doesn't usually turn into a long-term relationship."

"Love is when a stunning woman, a stranger, walks into the room and you look over to the one you're with, the one you've shared many conversations and memories with. You look at her and can't wait to be alone so that you can hold her in your arms. That is when love becomes so much more then infatuation."

"How do I know when I'm in love? When no sacrifice is too big, no distance is too great. When every time I think of her, I feel happier than the moment before. When I see her in everything I do and everywhere I am. When her love in return wraps me like a warm blanket. Then I know. A crush doesn't come close."

"I know I am in love with someone when I cannot control my feelings. When I cannot stop thinking of her -- then I know I feel love. If it is a crush or infatuation, then I know I can shut her off and think of someone else; even plan a date with another for a later time. But, if I cannot do that and do not want to see anyone else, continue to think of her all day into the night, look forward to seeing her again and put aside all others, I am in love. It has been wonderful when I have felt that way. I have had many a crush, but have been in love only a few times to the point of forsaking all others, including friends, to be with her."

Pictures on A Wall...

The story of our existence is similar to pictures in frames hung up on a wall…

Each story is written using different characters, events and settings…

Each picture represents a certain stage, a certain age, as well as specific feelings and emotions felt at that stage…

The more the pain and anxiety, the darker and more empty the picture is…

The more the happiness and the cheerfulness, the brighter and more full and colorful the picture will be…

When we are born, our wall is empty; nothing is there, just dull and lifeless white paint… With each day, sigh, smile, anger, obscurity, tear, hope, wish, dream, scream, let down, joy, regret, delight, fear, the wall is decorated with more pictures in frames, pictures which illustrate what we felt at that time and the reasons for it…

Sometimes, the wall might become very crowded, and you can't really figure out the series of events and analyze them clearly, it is then, and then only, when it becomes the time to start putting down pictures from your wall, burning them, and moving along…

Will I ever do that? Will I ever start sorting the pictures of my life and organizing my wall? I am sure that one day, some day, I will…

Baby Vs. Family...

At one point or another, each and every girl and woman, will play around with the idea of getting married and having a baby of her own…

It is not a secret that all females are born with a maternal instinct: "an inborn tendency to want to protect and nurture one's offspring." This instinct may be one of the greatest reasons why we, females, tend to have this bond with every infant we meet!

The reason behind me raising this issue now is due to the fact that many females I've come across seem to fancy the idea of getting married just because they want to give birth, they want to have a baby of their own. The idea of marriage in itself has become so insignificant to them, the magical story of two people falling in love, getting married and starting a family together, does not seem to impress or attract them!

It is sad, really, how our own experiences with the world, especially the "wrong" type of men, and those stories we hear from others, can actually hinder this rather strong notion of wanting to build a family and replace it with the single desire of having a kid!

I can recall the exact words of one of those girls while she talked on and on about men, her experiences and her disappointments. She said to me: "Now, after all that, all I want is to get married for the sake of giving birth legally! Then, the man can just go, and I will handle everything on my own. I will be the mother and the father and I will provide my baby with all she/she needs. I don't need a man in my life!"

Has the time to really think that way come? I mean if the smart and beautiful women end up thinking this way, which end is our world heading towards??

Beautifully Stated…

"Home is family. Home is safety. Home is faith. It is the place that helps define how we see ourselves and how we choose to make our way in the world, the blueprint of our lives…"

Things We Take for Granted...

A couple of hours ago, as I sat on the dinner table, in that cozy home, with that caring and loving family, a new subject was opened: Deafness and blindness, which is harder and why?

As I sat there, I sank into my thoughts and contemplations, wondering, if I was forced to choose between the two, which choice would I make?

My mind got so worked up, my soul stressed too…

I mean if I was deaf, what would I be deprived of?
How come we don't seem to appreciate the sense of hearing until we really think about things like that?
Why do we always take what we have for granted and forget to count our blessings?

I know that no matter how much I write about this, I won't ever be able to describe it well but I can only imagine this and this alone is too much for me to handle!

If I was deaf:
I wouldn't be able to hear the sound of the birds singing on a warm Sunday morning as I get ready to go to work…
I wouldn't be able to listen to the sound of the waves slowly moving towards the shore…
I wouldn't be able to hear and enjoy the music, any type or genre of music and hum or sing along…
As a child, I would be deprived of my mom's voice singing to me so I could fall asleep…
I would be deprived of hearing the voices of people who are sitting next to me in the same room…
I would be denied the right to watch any movie or series without having to read the subtitles…
I would be denied the right to hear the phone ring, receive or make a phone call…
I wouldn't be able to hear my boyfriend sing to me in order to cheer me up!

In other words, I would be robbed any audio connection with the world around me, deprived from many important feelings and sensations that come as part of hearing…

If I was blind:
As an infant, I wouldn't be able to see mom's face smiling at me with pride and joy…
I wouldn't be able to watch the sunrise or sunset, watch the birds fly, the sea sway, or the trees dance…
I would be deprived of knowing how my family members, relatives and friends look…
I would be deprived of walking alone in the street, watching the cars, the people and nature from around me…
I would be denied the right to use a computer, watch TV or even read a sign or a poster…
I would be denied to see the clothes I'm wearing, the things in my own room, and the color of my own bed sheets!

In other words, I would be living in constant darkness that will not fade away with a switch of a light or the beginning of a new day…

Lesson learnt:

I truly think that we should be grateful for the little things we never think of and take for granted because the loss of those could shatter our world and leave us so numb and broken inside…

Hugs? Anyone?

This post was inspired from a piece of writing a friend of mine posted on her facebook account… The main subject of her post was the importance of a hug! I will further talk about this and explain how important such a three letter word could be for millions of people all around the world, including myself!

A simple word could change our mood, an innocent smile is able to set our soul at ease, a hug can make us feel safe and fill our hearts with warmth once again…

What is a hug?

Even the dictionary recognizes the vitality of a hug through its definition of it:
A hug is an embrace; it is to squeeze (someone) tightly in your arms, usually with fondness.

As the encyclopedia states: a hug is "perhaps one of the oldest and most important forms of affection. Its roots can be traced to many thousands of years ago. It is not a feature peculiar to human beings alone as there are many species of animals, which engage in a similar exchange of warmth.
It's the exchange of warmth usually arising out of joy or happiness at meeting someone. It is practiced in almost all nations, countries, religions and sects.
A hug is also exchanged as a sign of support, comfort and love. It has powerful capabilities that can create lasting bonds of unquestionable strength."

Through generations, I believe that the hug, just like many things we do, was "passed on" to us in a way that never allowed us to think: Why do we hug our children when they are crying? Why do we hug our parents when we miss them? Why do we even hug our partners when we see them? Why do we hug our friends when they feel down?

As I see it, a hug is one of the rawest yet purest forms of affection. It is the fastest way to give and receive love, safety and support. What makes it really unique is that a hug may be one of the few ways that someone could give and receive love without any "sexual" reference.

Finally and after I have talked, and thoroughly, about his subject… Think about this:

When was the last time you hugged those who you love?
When was the last time you've been hugged?

Mankind... The Harvest!

Someone I appreciate and admire so much mentioned something to me today; it was profoundly deep and intense so I thought I should write about it:

Let's name this piece of writing: Mankind… The Harvest!

We, humans, in our best and worst conditions are rather similar to wheat at the time of harvest!

Let me explain what I mean by that:

When it is time to harvest the crop, the harvesters are spread in the field to collect the wheat… The wheat is gathered on the chains and is then sentenced to a time of being crushed underneath this chain and then carried over on top of this chain…

We humans are the wheat, we spend our lives on this chain, which only allows us a certain time with freedom and sunlight (happiness and peacefulness) and so many other times being squeezed and crushed (in pain and anger).

I know many of you won't agree... Yet, these will only remain as their label says: Shared thoughts!

Families Inc.!

Just a while ago, less than 10 minutes back, I had this really interesting conversation with someone so precious and dear. This conversation was extremely brief yet it stimulated many ideas relating to humans and their way of conducting life!

The main subject of the conversation was families, from here; I will call this piece of writing: Families Inc.!

As we were talking about the usual things we talk about each morning: how we both slept, what we had for breakfast, what were our plans for the next few hours, he mentioned something about having to go visit his uncle because "his twins were turning 2 today"… This was the turning point of the conversation.

He said: Well, you know how big families are. We are committed to many occasions!

I said, jokingly: Well then, I guess you should remind me to say no when you propose because if this is the way things will be, we will never have one private moment for us!

He smiled and continued to say: Well, in our family, there is always a special occasion or event to attend:
Someone gets married, someone gives birth, the baby grows a tooth…
Or, someone graduates from school, gets accepted in university, graduates from university…
Or, someone buys a new house, someone else buys something new for his old house…
Or, someone just feels like popping by for breakfast, another for lunch, a third for a cup of tea…

We are a big family, and we do have this close connection which is why we have this responsibility!


After hanging up, I stood in a moment of silence, contemplating…
I do not comprehend the importance of these things and I can not judge whether they are "very important", "important", or "unimportant".

I do believe people do set their priorities in life and I do know that families are a priority but I also know how exhausting it can get to be in every family occasion, especially if you have a job that requires so much time and effort from you, disregarding your your own social life that is! I also know that sometimes after work, all I want to do is come back home and lay in bed and do absolutely nothing!

What do you think?

Just a few minutes ago, a friend of mine said this about me to me:

"All this positive attitude you shine out to everyone is gonna eventually ware you down!"

Capturing Moments!

After a long pause of silence, he turned to me, smiled then said:

"I wish we had a camera that caught moments on film. You know, one that would capture the feelings accompanied with each moment so we can rewind and play them back whenever we please or at least, whenver we need..."

With a deep breath and a hidden weakness, I replied saying:

" I really wish there was such a thing, I guess all humans wish they could have such a device.. Knowing for a fact that moments, especially those which are so beautiful and sacred, do not happen twice in life, never the same..."

Now, a day has passed and I've been thinking seriously about his words... What if we can have that device?? Would it be as beutiful as we thought it would be? Isn't there a chance that we might lose other precious moments while replaying those moments? Would it really be such a great idea?

I really don't know... What do you think?