Forgive Me, If You Can...

Image By: Beirut

Forgive me, if you can:

For the engendered pain oozing from my weary face,
And the dormant rage leaking from my sleepy eyes...
For the times I let you down and lose my subtle grace,
And the constant fear, hesitations and erupting sighs...

Forgive me, if you can:

And I really wish you would, sooner than later I guess,
I am growing into my skin, which barely fits me anymore!
For the longest time I have been in such a terrible mess,
That I can't help but fear a big fall after a love's soar!

Forgive me, if you can:

I can't seem to get over the bulk of sadness I so stupidly wore,
I can't seem to stop my mind from anticipating more pain!
I find myself wrapped up in the past's slime from head to core,
I really, truly, sincerely can't handle getting hurt once again!

A State of Utter Nothingness!

Words escape me as I try to untangle the knots of my spiderweb like thoughts...

With every day, new variables are added to the equation of my chaotic being...

With every step forward, a few others backwards...

I understand now: The implications of decisions, the real pain waiting unfolds, some of the reasons for doing "wrong" by yourself or by those around you...

And although I'd love to believe that the little girl inside of me is still shielded from my disappointments and anger, I can hardly convince myself that she still smiles... I sometimes even doubt if she is there anymore!

The itch that I can't scratch, the scars which I can't heal, the memories that live within the layers of my mind...

All remind me that I am human - which is good - but that this humanity makes me fragile...

"In order to be happy, one must detach from feelings and slowly release him/her self from the chains of humanity"...

I wonder now, is this true?

The guilt... Another hammer digging me deeper into the ground... (I'm reminded here of a scene from a horror movie where the zombie tries to escape the grave - a hand sticking out of the soil)...

Then there is complete and utter nothingness... And here is where I stop... For now...

The WaterLine...

I just sit there and let my thoughts rise above my hate for your injustice,

Blessed are those who, like you, are damned with the the sin of carelessness...

It's a losing battle, a lame cause, those empty hollow moments we steal and share,
Cause at the end of the day, the waterline is rising, and all we do is just stand there!

The water reaches our ankles as the chills climb up our spineless spines,
I can still hear the tears bounce off the surface, I can hear the shouts and whines!

Your real need for detachment used to fit my aching need for attachment, and I stayed,
The strings of my soul you pushed and pulled, with my heart you flipped and played!

The water reaches our hips, it's getting cold while you stand there, no embrace to warm my trembles,
I fumble with the memories of how you sullied me and drove me to a pain which nothing resembles!

Your love was a lie, a hiccup in the calendar of your days, and you chose to mess me up,
You held my head tilted to the back, opened my mouth and poured in poison from your cup!

The water is touching our necks now, I know that I'll drown first, it's simple: I'm shorter,
You hold me close, threatening eyes warning me not to swim away, a grin like a mortar!

Into my nose the water creeps and I lose awareness; I can't feel my feet,
Our story ends, right there, as we drift with the waterline down the street!

Subtle Purity...

Underneath layers of human flesh and bone, a certain warmth I've never felt before exists...
Where there is gloominess, sadness and pain, a serene smile on a glowing face so restfully sits...

Subtle purity wrapped around you changing you from the usual plain human presence,
Something about you shines so bright, something beautiful untouched in your essence...

If I hadn't known better, a child of light I would assume you were, an angel roaming earth,
May "God" in all his definitions protect you and bless your parents for this sacred birth...

I wish you endless joy with every breath you take for your peace has unusually touched my heart...
Yet I wonder how this goodness I could not see and how I almost resented you at the start!

(To be continued)

Divided We Are...

You and I, in different worlds we live, as one yet divided,
What to do next? Where to go now? It's always undecided...

You steal my smile and replace it with sizzling tears which tickle my sight,
Too long has passed that I seem to have lost my sense of wrong and right!

They blame me for you, their words, my heart, they penetrate,
Blinding me to my faith in love and pushing me towards hate!

Divided we are, you and I, no matter how close, so far we are apart,
I should've seen the signs from the beginning, walked away from the start!

Like bee stings to skin, your carelessness aches my soul as warm as could be,
You insist that whatever I do for you, you are you and I am, just me...

And as the music plays for my heart beats to dance in sorrow,
I inhale my misery and feel, simply, utterly and unbelievably hollow...

Divided we are, living as two, no past to look back to, no present to live,
Even the future has a dead end for us, regardless of all I have to give...

Quivering Incertitude...

All is well and good. Not really, but maybe at this point things are getting a little bit clearer than they were and have been for the past, hmm, 2 years (what seemed to feel like an eternity!) Now I know for sure: nothing will ever be the way I want it to be, or even close and many of those who are around me now need to be replaced as soon as possible!

I am uncertain about everything and nothing at the same time. Caught up in the web of intermingled emotions that are screaming for haven in every single direction!

I am a mess. A subtle mess, mixed with a dash of interlaced hopes and enchanted uncertainties!

What is next? What is right? What is wrong? What is real? What is fake? Where did I lose my way? How will I find it? What is my way anyway?

Hate, love - love, hate... This is how I feel towards everyone and everything around me... With no exclusions or exceptions...

Anger? Nothing but an emotion, which if unexpressed, builds up a volcano waiting, secretively, to explode!

Happiness? Overrated, unattractive, non-existent! Whatever glimpse of happiness-like feelings you might ever feel are short-lived and also surreal, as if made from the silky threads of your demented imagination!

And then, there is the "damned if you do, damned if you don't" theory... Basically, in simple terms it means that whatever you do, you are blamed for something or the other!

"If you try to be good, you are accused of being a hypocrite; if you are plain, you are mean!
If you say the truth, you are penalized; if you lie most probably you'll be caught and punished too!
If you try hard, you're being too easy; if you don't try hard, you don't care..."

And so on!

But who can draw the line? I mean really, who can decide what to do, with whom, where, how, why, why not and so on?

How can you pick your battles? How can you know who is really on your side and who will end up screwing you over?

I rest now... unrested... tired... hyper... baffled... worried... concerned... lost... found... here.. there... everywhere...

Missing, craving, wanting, needing, hoping, wishing, waiting... most of all aching... emotionally... nothing more... nothing less...

Loneliness & the Tight Box...

Allow my to start this piece by stressing the following facts:

• I am 26 yet feeling as if I am living my 50 year-old mother's life.
  
• I am struggling with a bunch of past and present related issues that seem to have no solution no matter how hard I try!
• I am at the lowest point of loneliness I have ever been since as long as I can remember!

Loneliness...

"Loneliness is a state of mind", I agree...
However, during its worst phases, when the dark lays its wings upon the earth leaving it hollow and unfamiliar, loneliness begins to feel like being forced to sit in a small, barely human-sized box, with no windows, doors or any kind of ventilation while you are diagnosed with a severe case of claustrophobia!

Slowly, you start losing the pace of your breath, as if being strangled with a thin, copper wire. You grasp for air but you can't seem to be able to take any of it in... You squeeze your chest, try to expand your diaphragm, switch your seating position... Nothing works...

You close your eyes... Real tight... Wish for this wave of loneliness to end and for another, yet lonely day, to begin... You wait for the dark to be lifted and hope that with the day's sun, you'll breathe with more ease... The morning break doesn't come...

In a box... With no one there but you, your pains, fears, disappointments and memories of those whom you miss, wedged in this tiny space... The more you think, the bigger the space your thoughts occupy and the tighter the box gets...

Within the very limited breathing air left, you take a few sips of air to call out for help... No one can hear you... No one really cares... You fall silent again...

Now, you're left with no air and no space to move... Your body goes into shock... You tremble, hallucinate, and then fall into a coma-like sleep...

A few hours later, you wake up, to find yourself on your bed, your body touching the crispy white sheets, your face caressing the fluffy pillow, and still alone, with fragments of memories of the horrible night before to keep you company through the day...

Take it All Back...

Take it all back just like you pretended to give it away...
Break me one more time, my heart is mutilated anyway!

Try to shake me more though you know that my grounds are trembling,
Go ahead, be like everyone else; shattering, painful and dissembling...

Talk about us behind my back, blame it all on my "bad" behavior!
You're just like anyone else, you put people down while acting like a savior!

Try to tame me and taint me more and more,
These tears I shed for you I HATE and abhor!

Take it all away, all those hollow nights, the empty words and all you did,
Take it all away, I placed a bet on us and I so sadly lost the bid!

You think you can play me? Just because you know how hard I collide?
You think you can easily abuse my heart because my emotions I can't hide?

Well "bravo" I tell you, you did it and to you I raise my hat in shame...
I'm not the victim here, I insist, I am the only one to blame!

I ache for the memories that were nothing to you,
I bleed again, I bleed for me and not for you...

As for me,

My apologies I extend to you because far from perfect I was and I admit,
Between the past, the present and the future, my damned soul was split!

I apologize for any time I caused you pain or any frown I drew on your face,
I apologize for allowing myself to be lost in your far from real embrace...

But most of all,

I apologize for seeing a family for me in your eyes,
For thinking that your smile is the cure for all my sighs...

I apologize for placing my happiness in your clumsy hands,
I apologize for laying my trust in your moving sands...

You made your point clear and now I must deal with this,
I just wish for serenity, not happiness, not love nor bliss...

Call Me Whatever You Please!

You can call me lame,

for calling your name,
for taking the blame,
for bearing the flame...

You can call me insecure,
sacrificing a heart so pure,
suffering so hard to endure,
searching for reasons and not a cure...

You can call me insane,
trying to single handedly lift the crane,
driving in the opposite lane,
absorbing in all this anger and pain!

You can call me a fool,
breaking each and every rule,
bathing in the ugly and the cruel,
allowing you all to use me like a tool!

You can call me moody and hard to please,
charging me for everything with ease,
my emotions you are welcomed to tease,
you can do that till all words seize!

In your head, you can make up stories about me,
stories that won't capture me or set me free...

In your speech you can use thorny phrases,
I don't live for your criticism or your praises!

You can call me whatever you want,
or just call me by my name,
at the end, it's all the same, it's all the same!

Allow Me to Introduce Myselves to You...

I claim no fame, power or authority... That is something I have to make clear...
I just need you all to listen, very carefully, to everything I'm going to say here...

Whether it be day or night, at work, at home or out for fun,
May it be hot or cold, a rainy day or one blessed with sun...

I am many people living in one container called the body,
I maybe someone and might as well even be a nobody!

Therefore, after this brief introduction, allow me to introduce "myselves" to you!

A little girl with a heart so pure and untainted, simply wanting to run and play,
Mindless of the pains in the world, just living life carelessly day by day...

An angry rebel; trying hard to adapt to a world filled with misery and unjust,
Fighting for rights which have been unfairly taken, seeking answers in the dust!

An optimist with faith and hope that things will change to the better if I try,
Holding in the frustrations and smiling to the tears that slip from my eye...

A pessimist to the core, doubting everything and everyone around,
Fearing a sorrowful end with a chocked scream and a muffled sound...

I might smile all day but come the night I might break down in tears...
I might be confident at times while at others I might tremble in my fears!

Today I know what I want but tomorrow I might change my mind,
I might believe in love at many times although I know it is blind!

Moody and unpleasant I know I can be at any point of any day,
And I won't hide the pain I feel to avoid other people's dismay!

But overall, at least I know that I am many living in one,
That will never change, not after all the damages done!

**Special thanks to Tywak ( Break ) for the image...

Paint Me A Home...

Paint me a home free from the cries of children frolicking through the unjust,
Color me a world where good deeds are a way of life and love is a must!

Draw me a garden where on the grass I could lay and rest my weary shoulders,
Take away all discrepancies and place me a lake with no sticks and no boulders!

Sing me a laughter to share with the sorrowful people of this big "bad" earth,
It might not make it all better but it can make a difference for what it's worth!

Play me a jolly tune to dance my fears away and drive aside the blues,
Kick off your burdens and look away while I put on my tapping shoes!

Write me a happy story to share with the women who suffered loss and despair,
Watch me hold the papers you wrote while I send them sailing in the crippled air!

Dribble me a thought that can change the way we judge those around,
Dribble it harder and carefully listen to its bounce as it hits the ground!

Catch me a smile if one passes you by while I am looking in the other direction,
Show me what it means to swim in passion and gladly drown in oceans of affection!

Hold me closer, so close that our heartbeats become one,
Let our love cheer for all those people living under the same sun!

Blessed & Cursed... The White Flower Will Always Be!

Photo taken by: Beirut Abu Hdaib

A few days ago, I woke up feeling blessed to be who I am and all I wanted to do at that point was write down a list of all the things I have that I I am thankful for, one by way. I wanted to explain why and how each of those things empower me and make me want to be a better, stronger and happier person able to defeat any obstacle that can jump in my way and try to scare me off my feet...

But then life happened, and I had no time to count my blessings!

All those things I wanted to mention that day, and in the midst of the silent anger and fear of what may come, transformed into curses that I can't ignore or forget and I can't even try to feel good about!

Take a white beautiful flower for example: Look at it, notice how its leaves delicately curve into a perfect shape, feel its texture with your eyes, how soft it is. This flower loves the sun and I'm sure it enjoys a tickling breeze touching it gently and igniting its senses... Yeah, I think even the flower feels a warm gentle touch and appreciates it as well...

Now, with all the beauty bestowed in this flower, it remains, as it has always been, just a flower, a fragile and helpless flower, one which is also cursed by its charm! When the selfish hand reaches out to it and takes it away from its surrounding, far from its family and friends, the flower becomes a mere piece of decoration and its life becomes so short and limited to the amount of water it is given to quench its thirst, that is if it was lucky enough!

The flower's blessing of beauty is, at the same time, a curse...

My beauty is not the blessing, my loving, caring and forgiving soul is...

I am a fragile flower in a world filled with selfish hands...

And I am exhausted!

(Note: This not was written on the 8th of April 2009 but was not published here before)

I Am Me...

I am nobody to many but somebody to me,
I look for a greater calm to set me free,
I am everything yet nothing I can be...

I am lost yet found yet lost once again,
I hold in my power, my fears and my pain,
I am cold, warm and passionate and plain!

I am still learning about life though I've lived long enough!
I am hoping, wishing, praying to be stronger, to be tough...
I am petals of flowers and diamonds of rough!

I am here standing though I wish I was away from here,
I miss those who once were so close and near,
I crave a love that was never ever dear!

I am a whole of pieces, a some of no parts!
I am a pauper of aces and a queen of hearts!
I am who I am with all the ends and the starts!

How I Crave to Be Held by You...

The night... Oh how calm it can be and what serenity it can bring to my soul...

The cool breeze tickles my senses and the sound of kids playing mixed with the faint melodies of the sleepy birds play in the background...

I take in a deep breath and I think of you...

How I crave to be held by you...

I grab my laptop, place it so clumsily on my lap, and I start typing away what I feel, every sensation, every longing, every desire, in simple, plain and yet so meaningful words that overwhelm me, even before I click each of their letters on my keyboard's buttons...

How I crave for you to hold me, chest to chest, heart beat to heart beat: racing, calling, chanting, disarming...

How I long for your breath to tease my senses: softly, gently, endlessly, sincerely, eagerly...

How I wish for you to feel me just as you feel hunger, thirst, fatigue, excitement, happiness, so close, so real...

How I yearn to kiss you, perhaps tingle the rough of your chin, or maybe further down, where shoulder meets neck...

How I crave for you to touch me, just my hand, where palm meets palm, like an unbroken vow and an unchained melody...

I want to be with you: unbroken, unwounded and untainted...

This longing: like fire, like nothing before, or nothing will ever be...Burning within my soul while I smile and watch it glow, no questions, no worries, no expectations...

Blood Stained Sheets...

Gently, she lifted up the blood stained sheets...
She could still hear her slaughtered heart, faintly, it beats...

In the midst of her confusion,
Perplexed that maybe it was all an illusion...

She screamed!

The blood stains were bigger and redder than she thought they'd ever be...

She wrapped herself in her own arms as tears dribbled...
Onto the sheets in a rain of drizzles...

The stains grew paler and bigger...

No, those were not the blood stains after a wedding night!
Neither those you'd have after a gruesome fight...

Those stains were only of pure deceit...
Lies...
Broken words...
Unfulfilled promises...
Steps that were never taken...
Those stains were impossible to treat!

She paced around a memory haunted room...
Her sheets as a white bride's dress missing a groom!

"He said he loved me, he swore he was true"...
Yet again words are cheap and talk is dew!

The blood stained sheets tightly strangled her feet...
And as she fell, she felt pure agony and veritable defeat...

Whispers of his voice played in her head as she swooned into absence...
Mind, body and soul irrevocably numb, paucity of feeling, lack of presence...

Flashbacks of a life she never lived with him played as movies scenes in front of her swollen eyes...
Black is the color of sorrow she saw finally before she uttered her concluding cries!

Nothing Used to Matter...

Nothing used to matter...
Being with you whether it was scorching hot or freezing cold,
As long as your arms were there for me to hold...

Nothing used to matter...
Seeing you every day or whenever suites you well,
As long as my words of love for you I have time to tell...

Nothing used to matter...
The shaken pride, the anger you brought and the stupid fights,
As long as I could have your voice embrace me through the nights...

Nothing used to matter...
The things you made me give up for a promise that was a lie,
As long as I never had to hear you say "good bye"!

Nothing used to matter...
Knowing you won't ever love me as much or care like I do,
As long as you smile, I didn't mind being down and blue!

Nothing used to matter...
The past you held on to in gifts, pictures and calls,
Being locked so deep inside these hollow walls,
You never being there to shelter my falls...

Nothing used to matter...
But now it all does and it always will,
How you shoved my love for you down the hill,
My heart is broken now, here's the hospital bill! :P

She Gave Him Love...

She knew how he was,
She knew he would leave.
She know he was going to break her heart,
His web she waited for him to weave…

She gave him love,
She loved in vain!
He played her like a toy,
And left her draped in pain…

She raised her head,
She raised and prayed,
She called for angles,
She cried and swayed!

She knew this game,
She knew it well,
And within her sorrow’s flame,
She wished him to hell!

He had no right,
He had no reason,
To rid herself from him,
Her way out was pure treason!

She turned her head,
She leaned on someone new,
The guilt feeding on her soul,
When cradled by his dew!

She felt captive,
She felt captive to his grip!
As his memories slowly held her tight,
And pushed her into loss’s thrones dip by dip!

She wished her life to end,
She wished it every night before she lay asleep…
Out of this cycle she wanted to be,
Out of the oceans in love she was drowning so deep!

How Sane Are We?

Caution: This is a long post and the ideas discussed in it are strictly personal... They will make you think of things, strange things, but in the end, they are opinions and you have every right to disagree!

One of the accusations that are directed my way is that I am a very sociable person! My friends always claim that I have no problem opening up and discussing various topics with random people at any time and at any place!

They are totally right! Moreover, I think this is the main reason for that: Talking to others, many others, about different things only allows us to grow more and gives our rather restricted brains to grow both horizontally and vertically in thought and creativity!

A few days ago, after suffering a very bad nervous breakdown, I found myself seriously thinking about the thin line that passes through sanity and insanity.

I then started talking to few of my “thoughtful” friends about this issue and their view of it by asking them: How do you know that you’re not insane?

Let me assure you that I imagined getting a strange look in return and maybe a comment on how my crazy brain works! Instead, I was surprised to find myself in an intriguing discussion about the borders of sanity!

Take this line for example: “They laughed at Einstein. They laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.” It is true and very accurate in illustrating how sanity vs. insanity is almost a never-ending debate with no clear cutting edges for an answer!

Whatever you may think of this subject, one thing will always stand uncorrected: the difference between sanity and insanity is very often arbitrary. There is no clear borderline. It is a thin zigzag line and we use socially acceptable behavior as the major criteria to differentiate.

Dictionaries around the world define insanity as “the condition of someone who is senseless and extremely foolish.” This declares that insane people are those who challenge the rules of society and do not fit in with the “normal way of life.” But what counts as a “normal way of life” anyway?

Someone told me, just the other day, that insanity happens when we lose control over the mind i.e: when the body takes control over the mind and our reactions are not at all studied or thought about... But that makes many of us insane... No?

I think I am there.. Three steps away from the mental hospital, many steps away from sanity.. But that's just me...

How sane are you?

Joke: You know you’re insane when ☺
http://www.greenspun.com/bboard/q-and-a-fetch-msg.tcl?msg_id=00Ayi5

The Spider’s Prey...

This piece is dedicated to my two-legged spider… With love!

An icon of fear and fascination, the spiders have always been and remain to be,
Masters of attack and mimicking, once they have gotten a hold of you, you'll never be free!

Amongst the hairy-legged predators, your powers to seduce have shone,
Waiting so patiently to devour me after my emotions were fully grown!

Extending your limbs lazily, yet determined to capture me as your prey,
Entering my soul with your toxic fangs, paralyzing my logic day by day!

Wrapped up in your silk promises of having a family once upon a dream,
Brought closer to your nest, no words to say, no voice to scream!

Caught in the glimmering web of your love, bedazzled by its charms,
Forgetting the world outside and ignoring your venom’s harms!

Expelling your digestive enzymes to liquefy my will of steel,
Too hungry for authority, too selfish to know how I feel!

Sucking the remains of my love to you and the leftover fluids of my heart,
Consuming what’s left of me to feed your inflated ego and rip me apart!

She Danced...

This morning, unlike many others, and as she opened her tired yet curious eyes, she realized something she has been missing for almost 2 years or more: somewhere along that thorny road of life, she had forgotten to count her many blessings… She had forgotten to see the beauty of the roses furnishing the sides of her path and smell the scent of the cool morning breeze that welcomed her with serenity… She had forgotten to touch the tenderness of the simple joys that were hidden in the closest places to her reach…

And for the first time, in what seemed to be an eternity, she danced…

She danced to life…
She danced to the untouched happy moments…
She danced to the smiles of her friends…
She danced to the hopes of new beginnings…
She danced to the weary souls and tired eyes…
She danced to love, wherever it was…
She danced to the simplest gesture, from whoever it may be…

And as she felt her soul mingle with the layers within the music, she felt all the beauty in the world rest upon her hands and shoulders… Closed her eyes… And smiled thinking: I am alive!