Little Fat Liar!

A little fat liar knocked at my door,

I didn't recall seeing him before!

I opened my door & let him inside,
Never choosing to look behind!

The little fat liar broke my home down,
I begged him with tears to stop!
He watched me beg, he watched me frown,
His innocent act he refused to drop!

Now my home is a living hell,
Yet he remains alive & well!

The little fat liar got what he wants,
My life he stole & my dreams he still haunts!

An Illusion of a Home...

What is a home...

Without smiles that bounce off the walls?
Without pictures to liven up the silent halls?

What is a home...

Without an embrace after a day's rush?
Without hope and love in absolute lush?

What is a home...

Without a soul to hear my tears at night?
Without someone to stop this internal fight?

What is a home...

Nothing but stones, mud and nails,
A harbored ship which never sails!
A mystical cat with many furry tails!

An illusion of a home... Nothing more, nothing less...

I Long for You...

I long for you...

For the endless nights,
For the shallow fights,
For the dimmed lights...

I long for you...

Every morning when I open my eyes,
Every time I try to mute the sighs,
Often, when I am consumed with cries!

I long for you...

A free shore for my restless trip,
A warm embrace after a wet dip,
A cure from every poison's sip!

I long for you...

And I wonder: where you are,
How could you be so far,
& what do I do with this scar?

The Pain Chart!

For almost everything in life, there is a chart. Charts, simply pit, are graphical representations of information which allow us and others to understand the subject at hand more clearly through visuals.

Therefore, I wonder now, can matters of the heart be put into a chart and explained for dimwits who lack the ability to see and for ourselves to be able to see better?

Think about this:

A pain chart... Where would your pain rank?

Way at the top, or down under the last name,
How would the pain you feel rank today?
Add to that your loss of interest in the "game",
And people's desire to hurt and to play!

Although dwarfed by chaos and death,
Your pain remains alive and well,
You're out of fights and out of breath,
Degraded, jaded, invaded cell by cell!

Who can you compare to on the pain chart?
How can one measure matters of the heart?

"Damn the pain, and damn the chart!
Now that you and I are forever apart!"

Inspired by a fellow writer, and a friend...

After the Storm...

The silence after the storm is deafening: no hum, no sound,
All the pieces of everything have fallen dead on the ground!

The stench of the past still covers every inch of the place,
The wetness of the heart's rain occupies the empty space!

The touch of the wood on the walls no longer feels the same,
The suppleness of its texture vanished with the burning flame!

The taste of the air is salty, mixed with rubble and sand,
I look around yet I can't find your, once soothing, hand!

The storm is tricky; it comes along with no warning ahead,
Leaving you breathless with memories of words once said!

Searching for meaning has yet to haunt your stride,
However, from the mind's chaos, there is no chance to hide!

The Ugly Truth (1)

And You Still Want to Have Kids?

Most women are born with a great instinct: the maternal instinct!

Although many of them work hard to find the "right" man and build the "family" they have always dreamed of, I think only a few of them really consider the facts and statistics about the dangers that these children whom they choose to bring into this world may actually face.

Here are a few examples:

• Almost five children die everyday as a result of child abuse! Childhelp.org
• The incidence of suicide attempts reaches a peak during the mid-adolescent years, and mortality from suicide, which increases steadily through the teens, is the third leading cause of death at that age. Surgeon General
• Every year, millions of children are left alone in or around vehicles. This danger is greatly underestimated, and within a few minutes, your child could be abducted or become trapped in the vehicle’s trunk. WSOC
• A recent study found that one in five children online is approached by a sexual predator, a predator who may try to set up a face-to-face meeting. MSNBC
• Each year over 200,000 children are treated in hospital emergency rooms for playground equipment related injuries. The California Injury Lawyer
• Parents are to be warned of the dangers of giving their young children drinks, sweets and cakes containing specified artificial additives, as a result of new findings being made public for the first time today which confirm their link with hyperactivity and disruptive behavior. Guardian

In addition to the less obvious dangers such as:

• Being abused by a relative or even the father.
• Being subjected to bullying at school.
• Witnessing his/her mother being mistreated or beaten.
• Getting lost.
• Being in a car accident.

And many many other situations like these...

Putting all those facts aside, since we human beings always think that bad things happen to others and not our own, I wonder: Why do people really want to have kids?

Here is what I have found out by asking some friends and random people:

• I want someone to carry my name (How about the rest of the package? The DNA? The bad experiences? The sickness genes? did you consider that?)
• I want to have a family of my own (Do you really know if this is what's going to happen when you have a baby? What if your husband walks out? What if you lose your job? Or even better, your mind?)
• I like kids; they are cute! (Come on, are you serious?)
• I want to have kids to make it up to myself (How selfish could you be? All you are going to do is make them suffer for the mistakes you made!)

All this and you still want to have kids?

But hey... I am not here to judge so knock yourself out... (or knock someone up for that matter!)

The Ugly Truth (Prelude)

"Call me as you may: pessimistic, depressed, desperate, confused, angry, crazy, and even suicidal for I have learned, the hard way, that no matter what I do and no matter what I say, someone, somewhere will have something negative to say about me." Beirut

For so many years, I have been holding back what I really feel and see; it all has been bottled up inside scratching the surface at first, then reaching to the core of me and simply dissolving it away.

But this will finally change cause I am finally ready: to expose the world as I see it and as it deserves, nothing more, nothing less.

However, I do ask you to consider the following:

I will be very blunt and my honesty will be brutal. Apart from my feelings, all the events, situations, conversations and encounters will be based on exact facts as they happened.

So, if you consider yourself "happy-go-lucky", if you are an optimist or if you see a silver lining to every cloud and a light at the end of every tunnel, please do not read the coming posts. Also, if you are suicidal, please know that the same applies to you!

Thank you...

Illusions of a Better Year!

The human mind is such a complex, and sometimes even scary, place! It's like a room; sometimes filled with happy, jolly voices, laughs of kids, scents of different roses, memories of good moments while at other times it is just dark, empty and tangled up, filled with painful stories of a life never lived, of a hope never fulfilled, of a love never returned and of a smile stolen away from time!

Oh how I laugh, so ironically, at those who think that now that 2009 is gone, the year coming next, 2010, will be any better! The illusions they have about things changing to meet their moods and to suit their needs is just ridiculous!

What changed? Really? What changed between 31-12-2009 and 1-1-2010? Where was the magic wand that hovered across the earth solving everyone's problems and bringing their souls to a silent peace? Where was that fairy dust which showered the land with goodness and purified minds from evil?

The answer is simple: get realistic people; this is the real world! There are no fairies or magic dust, there is no magic wand... It is all the same, just another year carrying with it just other disappointments!

I tried reevaluating myself for the past four days, you know, since it's a "new year" and all. You know what I got? Nothing! A big fat hollow nothing!

Yeah I know, I've made mistakes: I've cried in my office for stupid reasons, I talked back to my mother when I shouldn't have, I allowed my pain to hurt others, I held faith in something that was never worth it. Yet, other than those few incidents, I have done nothing really wrong! I committed no BIG sins like killing, lying, stealing and so on!

Yet, my luck seems to be hating me! Karma seems to have placed me in its head; in a negative and unfavorable manner!

Stay tuned for my "new" year's resolutions!

My New Year, in Ruins...

Just yesterday evening, I remember having a very short yet sincere conversation with myself about the coming year and how people, all around the world, celebrate the "special" new year's eve through multiple ways, various rituals and different mentalities.

I also remember telling myself, in efforts to lessen the value of this day to me:

Every year has been worse than the one before, so why celebrate? Why not just sit at home, light little miserable candles, put off the lights, shut the doors and close the windows, put on some sad music and cry for the year to come for it will definitely be yet another year filled with pain, anger, disappointment and every other negative feeling possible?!

Don't judge me yet, I know it sounds pitiful, I really do... But why smile for a year that has already decided to frown back at me?

Well, the ironic thing is, I had prepared for new year's eve! I bought a new short black dress which covers my thin, ill-looking figure. I went to the salon and colored my nails in a bold and daring color to proof to myself that things can change. I also booked an appointment at the salon which I did go to after I was forced to cancel all the plans I was looking forward to!

So there I am, at the salon, and I'm figuring things out. At the sink, while getting my hair treatment, it all just hit me: my life is a joke! The things I believe in are fake and those whom I trusted for so long have been deceiving me all along; they never really cared and all their words were lies and their actions, simple games that my naive mind did not catch on to sooner!

Right there, at the sank, in the middle of tens of heads waiting to be showered and blow-dried, and amongst around 8 hairstylists and 5 or more helpers, at that sink, while the music was blasting: my pain took the form of warm wet tears that jumped out of my eyes and onto my rosy cheeks, and I burst into tears...

Curious eyes surrounding me... Whispers "why is she crying, what is wrong with her?" all around... Then a gentle yet clueless voice approaches me saying "please come with me to the private area".

In my mind, I thought of how embarrassing and inconvenient my pain was to all those happy people who are anxiously waiting to get out there, enjoy this night with someone they love or with family and friends... They all had smiles and haste drawn all over their faces. They had hope for a great night followed by a "new" year steaming from their pores and wet heads! While I just sat there, as a proof to all of them, that maybe this is all fake, and that regardless of how happy you try to make yourself, you might simply lose at the end!

If it is God's will for me to be in this pain, so be it, I can't argue with his will or my destiny... Yet it is not God's will, it is man's will... For the carelessness and selfishness of man can never be more harsh than this!

An even bigger slap in the face this time. My hair is ready: looking all shiny, tidy and full of life... Unlink my soul which is struggling to smile for all those who made sure to pass by "the private area" and make sure that I am doing better now, before they go off and do whatever it is they planned for this "god forsaken" night.

So I'm on my way out... I get into the car, where I had left an extra change of clothes, cream, perfume and sandals in the back seat.. But I've got no where to go, better yet, no where to go that I would want to be!

Flash forward, a few hours later...

It is one a.m. It still feels like an extension of 2009. Nothing has changed!

I unpacked the bag which held hope for a smile...
I unplugged the life system which my wishes were plugged into...
I unsang every song that I was planning to rejoice that night...
I unbuttoned the dress of desire and love...

And from then, until about 5, all I did was stare blankly into the screen of my Mac, stupidly waiting, hoping and wishing some more...

Morning came, and nothing changed...

In my bed, on those same pillows, I cried again... I cried to have lost everything I had: the one man that ever loved me, the one person that I ever loved, the girl I trusted yet brought me all types of pain, the mother I missed yet has no clue of the pain that I'm in...

And now, all I have are my words to gently try to wipe the tears off my no longer rosy cheeks...

I hate where I am because of you... And I hope, one day, you will realize the damage you've done...

Goodbye...

A Hesitant Suicide Note...

A while back, around 4 or 5 years ago, I remember writing a suicide note. I know what you're thinking: "Crazy!" It's your opinion. So maybe I am, maybe I'm not.

Come to think of it, the funny and equally ironic thing about that suicide note, which I remember very clearly now, as if I wrote it a couple of days ago, is the reason why I decided to write that note: A state of overwhelming happiness and safety, one which I was scared that this cruel life would steal away from me!

That suicide note explained the bliss and serenity I felt and how terrifying the thought of losing all that I had, all that I felt and the love that grew inside of me then, due to something out of my control!

Today, as I stand here trembling with fear of the mere thought of having to be threatened, humiliated, rejected, abandoned and marginalized, I think I have reached a new point of surrender: a point of no return...

It is one thing to die while your in love and your loved in return, happy, blissful and satisfied. However, it's another thing to die because your body began to cave in and fall apart, your mind is almost numb from negative thoughts and your heart is weak and feeble from the pain you are put through, day after day, and with no true reason of why this is all happening!

Lies, lies and more lies!

Deception, deception and more of it to come!

Ignorance, selfishness, carelessness...

Inflated ego, weak personalities, chains and no saws!

Now, after I thought this through, I surrender: I planned it all and prepared for the final scene...

I am finally relieved!

The clock is ticking and soon, it will be all over; for I have been all I can be and did all I can do for a big fat "NOTHING"!

May this soul of mine finally rest in peace...

P.S: For all of you out there who contributed to this final scene: May you get exactly what you deserve in life. You mocked my pain but your time must and will come.

10 Signs of One Sided Love...

I don't claim to be a relationship expert and I also don't claim to have answers for the many questions that run around in my own head! But, to have been really in love, and to have suffered loss, can help one reach certain conclusions that neither books nor studies can result in!

Therefore, and for today's post, I choose to present you with my opinion on the 10 signs that prove, beyond a reasonable doubt, that the love you feel for your partner is one sided, thus, coming to an end real soon!

1. Continuous Disappointments: Whether you have had dinner plans or just agreed to talk on the phone, if your partner constantly misses out on those plans claiming: he lost his phone, he fell asleep, he was busy playing PS2, he couldn't talk, he lost his keys, he was caught up with the family, then you must know he doesn't really care!
2. Careless Attitude: If your tears mean nothing, if your pleads merely tickle his ears, if your fights never register, if he can easily shut you off and fall into his "beauty" sleep, you should know: he doesn't love you!
   
3. Lies and Half Truths: Once your partner begins lying to you or telling you half truths, your relationship is going down hill, destination: its doom! If someone loves you, they would not lie to you, they would not bring you half stories claiming that they are "protecting you"!
4. Advising You to Be with Another: Yes my friends, some men (and women) might actually suggest or even insist that their partner should date another and try being happy with him/her instead of growing some guts and fighting for the love they "have"! Therefore, love in this case id non existent!
   
5. Putting You on Standby: When your partner uses you as a free-time filler, nothing more, nothing less, plays you by calling you when he is bored, asking to see you when all other plans ended, don't kid yourself, he doesn't love you!
6. Keeping You a Secret: Let's assume you are a girl of 27 dating a guy of 32, you are not kids anymore and you don't really need to hide that relationship because you are supposed to be mature, decisive adults. Now, if your partner decides to hide you and keep you as a secret claiming that his parents won't approve, he doesn't love you! Seeing you after people have gone to bed and when the darkness has fallen to cover your faces while your roam the streets hidden in the car means he does not want others to know you exist: more options for him to seek and pursue!
7. A Partner in Need is a Partner Indeed: If you need to see or speak with your partner for any reason you deem important, he should respect that need. If he can not be there for you, to support you, hell, to take you to the hospital when you're home alone and there's no one to take care of you, be real: he doesn't love you!
8. Pushing You Out: A partner is supposed to let you in, keep you updated on his future plans, share with you his joys and his worries. If your partners pushes you out and doesn't include you in any of his thoughts, he doesn't love you, or even care!
9. Poisoned Words with No Actions: You have all heard the saying: "Actions speak louder than words" yet, I'm sure, many of you out there just take in the poisoned words of love and ignore action, that's ok. However, there is a certain limit to words and if you are just getting words, my friends you are being manipulated and trust me, you are not loved!
10. Being Far Down in the List: Loving someone makes them a priority to you, maybe not your first since some would say food and sleep are, but at least they would hold number 3, 4 or 5 in your priorities' list. If you find yourself lingering in one of the last few places in your partner's list, right after the dog and before finding another, you are not loved!

Love is supposed to bring you happiness and safety, make you forget the painful moments of the life you had lived before love and give you hope for a better day ahead. Love does not vow to logic and is not held back by what people think and what they force. Only true love can get you places. Only true love can open up doors for you and create "miracles". Only true love can make you feel the other's pain and give you tips on how to deal with him/her.

When you are in love, you would do anything to make the person you love happy. You will make sure they get what they need from you, you would fear for their lives and happiness equally.

There are ups and downs but nothing your two-sided faith in love can't fix or cure! However, one sided love will lead you to nothing but pain, anger, frustration to a point where you will lose yourself and end up being fragile, empty and hollow.

I hope that, unlike me, you have a better chance in love cause at this moment, I feel broken down to pieces with no hope of being stitched back together any time soon....

And remember: there's an art for manipulation... Be sure not to be fooled by it!

Hungry & Thirsty for Serenity...

I twist and ache, hungry and thirsty for serenity,
Troubled mind fumbling, body as weak as can be...

If you serve me a smile, tears are next on the menu,
If you are sweet to me, the next day we are through!

If I plead for your mercy, you kick me aside and away,
If I threaten to forget you, oh the games you'll play!

If I ask you for something, the favor lingers on my shoulder,
If I try to compromise, you insist on being meaner and colder!

I am lost; figuring you out is the biggest mystery to me,
I can't be found, as long as your love doesn't set me free!

Have I ever been a priority to you? I hardly believe so!
So why don't you leave? Take your lies and just go?

Quivering Incertitude...

All is well and good. Not really, but maybe at this point things are getting a little bit clearer than they were and have been for the past, hmm, 2 years (what seemed to feel like an eternity!) Now I know for sure: nothing will ever be the way I want it to be, or even close and many of those who are around me now need to be replaced as soon as possible!

I am uncertain about everything and nothing at the same time. Caught up in the web of intermingled emotions that are screaming for haven in every single direction!

I am a mess. A subtle mess, mixed with a dash of interlaced hopes and enchanted uncertainties!

What is next? What is right? What is wrong? What is real? What is fake? Where did I lose my way? How will I find it? What is my way anyway?

Hate, love - love, hate... This is how I feel towards everyone and everything around me... With no exclusions or exceptions...

Anger? Nothing but an emotion, which if unexpressed, builds up a volcano waiting, secretively, to explode!

Happiness? Overrated, unattractive, non-existent! Whatever glimpse of happiness-like feelings you might ever feel are short-lived and also surreal, as if made from the silky threads of your demented imagination!

And then, there is the "damned if you do, damned if you don't" theory... Basically, in simple terms it means that whatever you do, you are blamed for something or the other!

"If you try to be good, you are accused of being a hypocrite; if you are plain, you are mean!
If you say the truth, you are penalized; if you lie most probably you'll be caught and punished too!
If you try hard, you're being too easy; if you don't try hard, you don't care..."

And so on!

But who can draw the line? I mean really, who can decide what to do, with whom, where, how, why, why not and so on?

How can you pick your battles? How can you know who is really on your side and who will end up screwing you over?

I rest now... unrested... tired... hyper... baffled... worried... concerned... lost... found... here.. there... everywhere...

Missing, craving, wanting, needing, hoping, wishing, waiting... most of all aching... emotionally... nothing more... nothing less...

She Wept!

As if buried, deep inside a wall, trying harder and harder to push her way through the stones and rubble... Panting, reaching out, stumbling, falling down...

She wept...

Those were not the ordinary tears that you see any time she cries: this time, her tears were made of acid that slipped down her face burning her cheeks and leaving her numbed, as if fresh out of a plastic surgery...

She cried, no, wept, for 2 hours straight, non stop, with each tear ripping her insides just as the one before and the one right after...

She wept for the things she lost yet cherished so much...
She wept for the need in her to feel a warm sincere touch...

She ached, in her guts, for all the things her empty life was without,
She ached for the last time she was sure of anything, with no doubt!

Her eyes so puffed up, like cereal, "some milk please?"
She swallowed up a choked smile with no ease...

She wished someone, anyone, would try to understand...
She wished that someone would just take her hand...

Whether or not it was right to feel this way, she did feel it now!
And the pain from the past and the present has to be stopped somehow!

Pride & Compromise... The Story of the Thin Line!

Introduction...

From Wikipedia:

The Seven Deadly Sins, also known as the Capital Vices or Cardinal Sins, is a classification of the most objectionable vices... It consists of "Lust", "Gluttony", "Greed", "Sloth", "Wrath", "Envy", and "Pride".

The Story Goes...

As it was told, a long long time ago, there existed a very thin line between the hideous sin "pride" and the beautiful virtue "compromise"...

Whatever people did, especially within the frames of a relationship, pride was always there to wreck and destroy the relationship while compromise did its best to conserve it and raise it higher, to a more elevated level...

One day, compromise felt really bad for all the problems pride was causing... It decided to go address pride, trying to bring it back to its senses and urge it to be more lenient with people...

Compromise said: "I do understand how powerful you are dear pride... I know that you have the ability to ruin relationships that are meant to last as well as end friendships and kill love... Therefore, I would like to plead to you and beg you, out of weakness, to be gentle on poor souls who don't know any better but to believe in you and follow you blindly"...

Pride sniffed, smirked then said: "You poor little thing you! Coming here to beg me to quit something I do not cause! People bring their misery amongst themselves... They know too much pride is bad for them, yet, they chose to submerge themselves it in... Even if I wanted to do something about it, and trust me I don't, I can't! People are given choices and whatever they choose is their path. Regardless of my will or intention, I have no power to change the path any two choose for each other; they must be able to do it themselves"...

Disappointed and sad, compromise said its goodbyes and left, wondering what will happen to the world with people's whims and sins in control...

With time, compromise started getting older and feeble, while pride managed to get stronger...

Too many love stories came to an end...
Countless tears were shed...
Numerous friendships were diminished...

And now, at our present days, the thin line between pride and compromise seems to be fading with compromise being just a word, stripped from all its beauty and stuck in the corner of the doomed!

Caution: Road Bump Ahead!

To someone who claims to have reached maturity at almost all levels, it seems to be rather juvenile to view the world in a multi-layered color scheme or to imagine that, with all the possible variable available, things will eventually turn out to be for my best interest.

Yet, I do!

Whether it be an insignificant action that causes a big problem and greater manifestations that ever expected with a family member or just simple unfulfilled expectations, which you promised yourself never to set, it feels as though we are constantly swimming upstream!

What I can't really grasp is the concept of "perfection", which seems to be the new trending topic of my days and what everyone is seeking to find in others while the truth of the matter remains to be: No one is perfect, no one can be perfect, and that is that!

Regardless of the efforts we invest in building ourselves to be strong, independent, well-rounded, caring intellectual givers, at the end of the day, when push comes to shove, we are who we are: Mortal fragile human beings made of flesh, blood, emotions, contradictions and in some cases, a whole lot of pain that we need time as well as support to digest!

Sometimes, I wish...

Clumsily, I do sometimes wish that in life, people would have been more cautious and aware of their behaviors, which ended up causing me indescribable pain and disappointments. I wish I was a clean white slate with no aching past to get over, no haunted present to live and no sealed future to fear...

But that can never be, and I am mature enough to realize that...

What worries me though, is the duration it will take me to be "me" once again and the slight chance that that could actually happen...

And then again, the questions that arise are:

Do I really want to be "me" again? Is "me" good enough? Is "me" able to overcome the many road pumps in my coming past and fix the damages done due to the past bumps I have passed?

Maybe, maybe not...

All I am certain of now is that I'm shattered in a million directions like shreds of a bullet which exploded and landed everywhere yet nowhere in specific...

I surrender now to my weakness, if only for a few minutes, and allow my tears to gently run over the paths of my tired face...

Beirut

My Friend at Heart..

Whether you choose to talk to me or not, you will always be my friend at heart,
I miss you so much it hurts, as tears fall over my face and rips my smile apart!

How could you be so distant after the 5 years we were so close? Like family you were to me!
How could she have taken you that far away from what we used to be?

I respect your relationship, I'd have never come in between!
But seeing your wedding pictures by accident? What an imperfect scene!

Every little moment we shared: drinking coffee, driving around, talking, laughing and having fun!
All the times we were there for each other when everyone else chose to run!

I can't believe that a girl was the reason all those years were simply erased forever!
But really, now that our friendship is dead, I wish you both the best together!

Phantom Organs...

December 12th, 2008

Loss has been one of the most intriguing and controversial topics discussed and written about in details and in numerous contexts and fields of expertise. It has been researched by those looking for some kind of answer, any answer, on how to fight this painful and recurring symptom that each of us will eventually feel at one point or another.

Sometimes, we try to find simple explanations for the sorrow we feel after loss. We search deep inside of us and in those around us to find ways to overcome our small losses and defeats. At others times though, things are not that simple that it’s way too complicated for us to understand what we feel after a great loss. It is here where the similarity between loss and the scientific term “phantom limbs” comes in play.

“A phantom limb is the sensation that an amputated or missing limb (even an organ, like the appendix) is still attached to the body and is moving appropriately with other body parts.”

Loss, great loss, can be easily related to such a definition:

When we lose someone who was really close to us, to life or to time, somewhere deep inside this loss remains to linger on if not throughout our lives then at least for a significant amount of time. Their presence might feel real at some times and their essence still alive. Although we do know they are gone, we still feel their phantom existence in almost everything we do and everywhere we go.

To take this discussion a step further, let’s assume that love is in our “physical organ”: the heart. Losing love is then equal to losing our heart. Therefore, we do live on to breathe and grow and experience life yet without the actual existence of the amputated heart!

To conclude, I urge you to always remember, “Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.”

Play My Heart...

P.S: Again, this note is not about anyone in specific... Just words that need to be out!

Play my heart as an instrument of your choice,
I can hear the distance in your voice...

Play the guitar with my strings of hope,
Play it gently or otherwise, I lack the will to cope!

Play the drums with the beats of my swollen heart,
Play the ending to what didn't even start!

Play my soul as a trumpet, make melodies or just noise,
I guess feelings can be manipulated into simple toys!

Play the flute following the notes of my pain,
Play me as you please, play me once again!

Play me tender, play me sweet,
Play me in your solitude or in the street!

Play me as you wish and as you may,
I just hope you're proud of the mess you play!

And I Keep on Running...

Have you ever felt like you were engulfed while being in a big space? Trying to run away, further and further, only to find that you were surely running yet in all the wrong directions?

This piece is about that feeling...
The feeling of finding out that you are running endlessly and getting nowhere... At least nowhere right... Nowhere you want to end up... Nowhere you that you are supposed to be...

And I keep on running....
Like a deer performing the role of a prey...
Away from the big bad lion that has come out to play...
Trying to escape his sharp claws of memories, his pointed teeth of clay!

And I keep on running...
Helplessly, endlessly, hopelessly...
Towards no one in particular, since none of them really care...
Towards no place to call home, since that place is no longer there...

And I keep on running...
And now I'm out of breath and my feet are sore...
Looking into blank eyes that seem to hate and abhor!
Wanting to find a warm embrace, a cradling shore...

And I keep on running...
And you all keep judging me by the day!
Watching every move I make!
And you all don't even know me!
Your empathy is a pure fake!

And I keep on running...
Missing the closeness of a real friend,
Craving a real hug, a new beginning to this awful end!

And I keep on running...
In all the wrong directions and there's nowhere to go!
I act ignorant, but I know, I know...
This tired soul of mine I need to lay down or low!

Cause I can't keep running...
Not anymore...