The Hard Way...

Image By: LL Geoff

Introduction...

As a person who NEVER got ANYTHING on a silver plate, I should have known better than to expect things to be easy and for problems to, eventually, solve themselves with time!

I was wrong, and I won't be ashamed of admitting my mistakes.

I won't blame where I am now on anyone but myself, although, GOD ONLY KNOWS, the elements and factors that lead me to the place I am right now.

I guess if I want to analyze it all, it all comes down to one thing and one thing only: my inexhaustible desire/need to BELONG to someone, something, anything!

Given the fact that I am well aware of my life's overall blunders, I now can see the size of the mistakes I have done in just in order to feel normal for once. And yet sadly, I never did.

Now that I am here, in a place where I feel trapped, alone and so insecure, I figure that I need to realize the next step and take it with careful considerations so at least when I fall this time, I can fall better.

The Hard Way...

This will not be easy since I will be utterly and completely honest about how I feel towards everyone and everything in my life because I need to set myself free from all the guilt, pain and fear that I find myself wrapped in every single day for the last many years...

However, the hard way has been the way for me. So here it goes:

1. Friends:

Oh how I have longed to have "real" friends for as long as I can remember. At times, I wanted friends to take care of me and at others, I wanted friends that I could take care of. Regardless of the reasons for this desire, I stand here and I look around me and at the "friends" that I have in my life, and I find that I have never been there for those whom I wanted to be there for (as a result of my sulking in my own crap) and the friends that were supposed to have been there for me abandoned me when I needed them the most.

But I don't blame them, I blame myself cause I should have known better, I should have expected less and I should have, at some times, been more.

However, now that I am where I am, I finally get it: I have been blessed with good friends at my most darkest times and their memories will live with me for as long as I will live. Yet, it ends there.

I promise myself in front of all of you that I will not run after friendships any longer, even if it means I will end up alone. Alone without friends is better than being with friends who only make you feel miserable, who only want you when you are happy or friends who want to control your life.

2. Family:

God only knows the number of days and nights that I have spent trying to be a good sister and daughter (even if it was my own definition of good).

Every day, I walk around with the burden of guilt towards those I want to be "perfect" for and yet can never ever be.

Don't get me wrong, I understand that I am not even close to being anything anyone wants me to be simply because I can't. But I really tried so hard. And I failed.

So I apologize.

And I also extend my apologies to include the fact that I will stop trying to be someone who I am not and for all the mistakes that I will keep doing until I eventually learn to do things otherwise, or until I die.

I will not allow the guilt of me not being there for those who push me away eat me up from inside any longer, even though I love them so much. I need to focus on me because the damage has gotten too far!

3. Love:

My story with love is the reason that I started writing many many years ago.

I must admit, love was kind to me at times and yet it kicked me in the face so many times that sometimes, when I look at the mirror, I don't recognize myself from the swelling!

If I sit alone with my thoughts for more than 5 minutes, the video of my failed love relationships plays over and over in my head. I dwell and dwell and yet never have I been able to figure out why is my luck in love this way. And is it my luck to begin with? Or the messed up choices that I make?

Regardless, today, I don't care about the reasons why Mr. X left me or Mr. Y cheated on me, or why and why my feelings to Mr. Z changed! That is besides the point simply because it happened and it ended and I have a long way to go already without the weight of ifs, whys and others holding me down.

Maybe I didn't deserve it, maybe I did.
Maybe I was the one, maybe I wasn't.

No one will be able to ever tell the difference. So, why should I even try? Why should I feel that I am not good enough? Or someone else is not good enough for me? Does it really make it any better? Never.

Whether I have given up on love with all its accompanying happiness and grief is still to be determined.

As for now, I would like to, for once, learn to love myself for the things I have worked so hard and so long to construct within me. Because that it what matters at the end; when I am in bed, sleepless, thoughtful and trembling with heart ache, that is the only thing that matters: who I am (and never who I was/am/will be for someone who might pick up and leave any time and for whatever reason it maybe).

Wow... It feels so good to let it all out. I hope this feeling lasts. And I will keep writing whenever the world seems to deaf to hear me. And I will keep looking for answers because there is no use of being alive otherwise.

I just wish that one day, I can find the peace I have been looking for...

Water Tap...

Photo By:ClaWeD One

People's words are like nothing but broken taps indeed,
They always whisper to you whatever words you need!

They fill up buckets with useless promises & lies,
They then look you, reassuringly, in the eyes...

Wet and useless, each drop drops!
Yet you're alone, when your heart stops!

Silence... I can't hear it's beat,
I'm weeping, I'm weary and 'm beat!

But it's okay, it's alright,
No need to fuss, no need to fight!

I will retire...
For I am really tired...

I can't take any more...
I won't knock on this door...

Words from Experience...

I wish I knew these things before... I would have done so many things differently...

• I have learned to cherish every moment I have with a good friend because life happens and all that is left are memories of great times that might never be repeated again!

• Good friends are like gray whales (almost extinct). So when you find them, make sure you let them know how much you value their friendship any chance you have.
  

• Don't complain that your phone doesn't stop ringing: it's only when the ringing stops that you will appreciate it!

• When you feel down and can't think of one person to talk to and share your troubles with, you need to start rethinking about who you can call a "friend".

• Stop thinking that you live on hope; it's a myth! You live on food and water (or earth if I'm being sarcastic)!
  

• No one is 100% bad; however, how bad is the bad part is what you have to consider!

• Living by the rules or breaking them is a choice you have to make on your own... Just like you alone will have to live with the consequences!

• Beauty doesn't get you anywhere good. Trust me, you don't want to be surrounded by people who only care about being with you as far as the bed (or sofa - whichever floats your boat)!

• Laughter is as important as tears... One lifts the spirits while the other frees it!

• Words are empty shells which can't kill you but can really bruise!

(To be continued)

Quote of the Day...

"Unless commitment is made, there are only promises and hopes; but no plans." ~ Peter F. Drucker

Shrinking into Life... An Ode to Nature

For what it's worth, I must admit that today, if only for a couple of hours, I felt that I do belong... Not to a certain community, culture, background or a specific place, rather to something larger and more powerful than you and I: nature...

I found myself shrinking into life as the warm breeze playfully and yet sometimes violently tangled and untangled the curly locks of my hair and while the blazing sun's rays gently stroke my skin and gradually painted my cheeks with a blush of pure pink...

And as I sat there, thinking of everyone and everything and yet no one and nothing all at the same time, I felt nature reach out to me and try to make its presence felt on a higher and much elevated level... It teased me when I tried to overcome the whispers of its winds by raising its voice louder than the music that played on my phone, it played with me through sending its bees to get me up and running! It also sang to me, a mixed melody of a well-performed orchestra carried by the leaves of its trees, the sound of its inhabitants and the voices of those who once before came out there and cried to it for help and serenity...

At that moment, I wished I could be a part of nature, a tree, a leaf or maybe even a bug...

I wished that it'd possible to break the chains that held me in this shrunk form I feel I am in and break lose and just be...

I wished that I could melt into the ground and become the soil that those majestically standing trees depend on...

And then, due to life, the perfect scene came to an end and on the road back to the tall buildings and traffic jam I was... Reminiscing the silence of the unknown vs. the noise of what is...

Looking for A Home...(1)

Looking back, way back...
When I didn't have any white hairs whatsoever,
and my hair was still its natural color.
When I still bit my fingernails whenever I got frustrated,
and I had a low self-esteem that was inflated!
When I used to run around playing catch with the kids in our block,
and I only loved listening to only hip hop and rock!

Back then...
I was always looking for a home, somewhere I can belong to...
Searching for things in life that were real, that were true!
Never have I felt that regardless of where I was or with whom,
Every time something developed, there was a reason for wrong to bloom!

And now...
I still feel that I don't belong to any specific place or time,
When a blossom of hope flourishes I know a bell of sorrow will chime!
I still feel out of order, as if I am here by mistake,
As if falling into coma; not asleep neither am I awake!

I wish...
I wish I can find a place to call home and feel it from within,
A place where people's issues will not stoop my chin!
I wish I can feel at ease knowing that things will be fine,
Knowing, for a fact, there is no reason to frown or whine!

I ache...
In silence and unsaid words for I am too tired to speak,
My soul like crumbs of bread; traumatized and weak!

My Loneliness., I Call Your Name...

Someone once said, “Loneliness is full of life,” but I beg to differ:

My loneliness you became…
No words to be spoken, no reasons to cast blame…

My loneliness in a world so unbelievably cruel,
You lay the foundation and you make every rule!

My loneliness and I breathe your last words in despair,
Wondering, pondering, questioning, did you ever really care?

My loneliness you blend within the past with an ache,
Never thought that my heart was able to falter again and break!

My loneliness I call your name in the midst of my confusion,
Asking you for an answer to how this, all of it, could have been an illusion?

My loneliness and I know I could have been the one,
But then again I didn’t play by the book, I didn’t set like the sun…

My loneliness how I miss you even though you’ve been gone not too long,
I pray for you in silence, I write an angry poem, I sing a grieving song…

My loneliness and I swear to you I am strong and my will is of steel,
Yet you refused to let me drive, you always held on to the wheel!

My loneliness as the wind touches my skin and I tremble,
Tears dance in my eyes and I fight hard not to surrender…

My loneliness like a sweet sugared dream,
Strawberry coated, chocolate glazed with a touch of cream!

My loneliness your scent I swear I miss,
Your long day’s sweat, your aura, its bliss…

My loneliness forgive me, for I have fell too fast,
Clumsily believing that anything deep must eventually last…

My loneliness maybe one day, and maybe not,
I just hope this bleeding will be covered up and clot!

My loneliness this is the longest I have written in a long long time,
I insist that what I felt, how I felt it, could not be mistaken with a crime!

My loneliness I thought I found you, the answer I was looking for,
After I searched under every tree, above every window and behind every door…

My loneliness I march to the beat of my heart’s fainting desires,
I feel a stabbing twinge as I try to put out your endless fires…

My loneliness and the world around me stares with wondering eyes,
How could SHE be this lonely? How could SHE let herself be devoured by sighs?

My loneliness and I feel the stream of never ending words in my mind,
Could emotions be this deceitful? Could feelings be this blind?

My loneliness as the music plays so close to my ears,
As I scream in silence and I shout in confusion words that no one hears!

My loneliness how I crave just a touch of your warm hand here and now,
A kiss on the cheek, a glance through the eyes, a caress that would never end somehow…

My loneliness I used to long to know you in everything you are and maybe,
You managed to stir whirls of emotions and move mountains inside of me…

My loneliness not even a friend can you truly ever become,
To those eyes and feelings I will always kneel, bow and succumb!

My loneliness there’s so much hollowness left by your absence,
Though in this life there are always many options and billions of chances…

My loneliness you could’ve been so close, forever sacred, eternally dear…
You could’ve reshaped the planets, relit the stars, harbored oceans by just being near…

My loneliness like a phantom organ you will remain here within me,
Memories of your face have the strength to keep me chained and never set me free…

My loneliness, my forgotten smile, my never-ending hesitation,
A mind so jumbled burdened with untaken decisions bigger than God’s creation!

My loneliness last night I used to bleed but now the bleeding has stopped,
The weight I carried upon my shoulders, after this piece, just simply dropped!

My loneliness with a beautiful inner child that needs to be held tight,
I will leave you with these words to cradle you through the lonely night…