The Hard Way...

Image By: LL Geoff

Introduction...

As a person who NEVER got ANYTHING on a silver plate, I should have known better than to expect things to be easy and for problems to, eventually, solve themselves with time!

I was wrong, and I won't be ashamed of admitting my mistakes.

I won't blame where I am now on anyone but myself, although, GOD ONLY KNOWS, the elements and factors that lead me to the place I am right now.

I guess if I want to analyze it all, it all comes down to one thing and one thing only: my inexhaustible desire/need to BELONG to someone, something, anything!

Given the fact that I am well aware of my life's overall blunders, I now can see the size of the mistakes I have done in just in order to feel normal for once. And yet sadly, I never did.

Now that I am here, in a place where I feel trapped, alone and so insecure, I figure that I need to realize the next step and take it with careful considerations so at least when I fall this time, I can fall better.

The Hard Way...

This will not be easy since I will be utterly and completely honest about how I feel towards everyone and everything in my life because I need to set myself free from all the guilt, pain and fear that I find myself wrapped in every single day for the last many years...

However, the hard way has been the way for me. So here it goes:

1. Friends:

Oh how I have longed to have "real" friends for as long as I can remember. At times, I wanted friends to take care of me and at others, I wanted friends that I could take care of. Regardless of the reasons for this desire, I stand here and I look around me and at the "friends" that I have in my life, and I find that I have never been there for those whom I wanted to be there for (as a result of my sulking in my own crap) and the friends that were supposed to have been there for me abandoned me when I needed them the most.

But I don't blame them, I blame myself cause I should have known better, I should have expected less and I should have, at some times, been more.

However, now that I am where I am, I finally get it: I have been blessed with good friends at my most darkest times and their memories will live with me for as long as I will live. Yet, it ends there.

I promise myself in front of all of you that I will not run after friendships any longer, even if it means I will end up alone. Alone without friends is better than being with friends who only make you feel miserable, who only want you when you are happy or friends who want to control your life.

2. Family:

God only knows the number of days and nights that I have spent trying to be a good sister and daughter (even if it was my own definition of good).

Every day, I walk around with the burden of guilt towards those I want to be "perfect" for and yet can never ever be.

Don't get me wrong, I understand that I am not even close to being anything anyone wants me to be simply because I can't. But I really tried so hard. And I failed.

So I apologize.

And I also extend my apologies to include the fact that I will stop trying to be someone who I am not and for all the mistakes that I will keep doing until I eventually learn to do things otherwise, or until I die.

I will not allow the guilt of me not being there for those who push me away eat me up from inside any longer, even though I love them so much. I need to focus on me because the damage has gotten too far!

3. Love:

My story with love is the reason that I started writing many many years ago.

I must admit, love was kind to me at times and yet it kicked me in the face so many times that sometimes, when I look at the mirror, I don't recognize myself from the swelling!

If I sit alone with my thoughts for more than 5 minutes, the video of my failed love relationships plays over and over in my head. I dwell and dwell and yet never have I been able to figure out why is my luck in love this way. And is it my luck to begin with? Or the messed up choices that I make?

Regardless, today, I don't care about the reasons why Mr. X left me or Mr. Y cheated on me, or why and why my feelings to Mr. Z changed! That is besides the point simply because it happened and it ended and I have a long way to go already without the weight of ifs, whys and others holding me down.

Maybe I didn't deserve it, maybe I did.
Maybe I was the one, maybe I wasn't.

No one will be able to ever tell the difference. So, why should I even try? Why should I feel that I am not good enough? Or someone else is not good enough for me? Does it really make it any better? Never.

Whether I have given up on love with all its accompanying happiness and grief is still to be determined.

As for now, I would like to, for once, learn to love myself for the things I have worked so hard and so long to construct within me. Because that it what matters at the end; when I am in bed, sleepless, thoughtful and trembling with heart ache, that is the only thing that matters: who I am (and never who I was/am/will be for someone who might pick up and leave any time and for whatever reason it maybe).

Wow... It feels so good to let it all out. I hope this feeling lasts. And I will keep writing whenever the world seems to deaf to hear me. And I will keep looking for answers because there is no use of being alive otherwise.

I just wish that one day, I can find the peace I have been looking for...

March 23, 2011

Photo By: ClaWeD One

You might wonder about the title of this post, and you might not... Whatever you to decide to do, it is your own choice and I won't try to convince you otherwise!

However, allow me to try and explain the reason for it...

The title marks a new realization,
Of my current situation!
(And my past many as well)

It is a stamp and a final conclusion,
For the end of my every illusion!
(Of a better day)

Smile with others... Yet cry alone,
And never mute your pain with a drone...
(But keep"silent" on)

Lose yourself into you,
There's no shame in being blue...
(Very, very blue)

Be one with nature, not with another,
You don't need a merciless lover...
(Or friend)

Let go and just be,
Wait not for someone to set you free...
(And free you will be)

Water Tap...

Photo By:ClaWeD One

People's words are like nothing but broken taps indeed,
They always whisper to you whatever words you need!

They fill up buckets with useless promises & lies,
They then look you, reassuringly, in the eyes...

Wet and useless, each drop drops!
Yet you're alone, when your heart stops!

Silence... I can't hear it's beat,
I'm weeping, I'm weary and 'm beat!

But it's okay, it's alright,
No need to fuss, no need to fight!

I will retire...
For I am really tired...

I can't take any more...
I won't knock on this door...

Fools We Are!

When I needed a savior,
I thought it'd be you, but I was wrong!

Damn, this sounds like an old 50's song!

But it's not...
It's my guilty plea...

I am who I am, and sadly, no one else could I be!

But again, that's not the point...

But what the hell is?

I seriously doubt there is one!

I mean love, devotion, compassion, and all that crap...

Who cares?

All those ifs and maybes...

Then what?

Foolish...

Nothing more, nothing less!

Bowling Balls!

Photo By: aubrey_54

As I sit here all alone, trying so hard to soak my pain in, suddenly, it all turns into sheer, pure irony!

And as the colors and holes of the bowling balls frolic around so happily in my exhausted mind, I am reminded of the ignorance and sadness of human beings; how pitiful they can be...

Therefore, instead of writing a short poem about the pain I feel and how alone I am, I decide to revert to irony, hoping that it could somehow have the power to lift these shadows away from my weeping heart!

How little is our realization of how lucky can be,
And how unlucky we really are!

How sad it is to need some closeness,
While closeness remains so far!

How ignorant we are of our blessings,
Until they walk us by!

How much we want to live the moment,
Yet then we say goodbye!

How much value we place on friendship,
Then we end up alone!

How invisible we think we are,
Though we're only flesh & bone!

The colors of the bowling balls haunt me, and I realize the intensity of this ache...
I listen to my music and, just like a fragile piece of glass, I break, break and break...

Yellow Heart

My wilted yellow heart aches,
My nightmare never breaks...

Like an infinite ride,
I run and you hide!

The ache is too painful,
Your words, too hateful...

The sorrow eats me away,
How long will your record play?

Nothing but lies & lies,
No emotions in your eyes...

Barely able,
Hardly stable.

I call for God's mercy to let me go,
I ask for reasons, you don't even know!

Positivity with A Twist!

Image By: Eric Clapton

Many people define being positive by one's ability to see things in a "good" light regardless of how bad or ugly they are. They estimate a person's positivity by how much pain, disrespect, anger and stress he/she can take without losing that "special smile" - even if it was a fake one :)

However, the longer I think about positivity, and the deeper I try to understand it, I realize that many positive "thoughts" are mainly lies we feed ourselves in order to fill our hunger for real happiness and peace of mind.

Allow me to share a few examples with you:

• Good things happen to those who wait.

But how long can you wait? And what if they come after you don't need them anymore? Are they still considered good?

• You should see the glass half full.
  

What if the full half is full of crap? Poison? Or just some rotten juice? Isn't the glass better half empty then?

• Wherever you go, no matter what the weather, always bring your own sunshine.

What if it was scorching hot and a drought was in the horizon? You bring more sun? Or you just get some of your "gloomy" clouds to try to help?

• If you don't get everything you want, think of the things you don't get that you don't want.

I'd rather think about the things I don't want but still get!

• If you don't think every day is a good day, just try missing one.

I'm sure whoever wrote this never tried missing one so he really has no solid grounds for his assumption!

• Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.
  

At the same token, attitude could be a big thing that makes a little to no difference!

• Happiness is an attitude. We either make ourselves miserable, or happy and strong. The amount of work is the same.

2 things: You can be miserable and strong or happy and weak. Also, making ourselves happy and strong needs more work, that is if we can find a right definition for happy to begin with!

• We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.

.... and suffering from sever neck pains!

• Defeat is not bitter unless you swallow it.
  

What if you try to inject it? Or even sniff it?

• The only disability in life is a bad attitude.

However, some of the many successful people in life carry around a bad attitude and this is what got them where they are!

• My riches consist not in the extent of my possessions, but in the fewness of my wants.

Okay. But how about the needs? They are many, aren't they? Or those could be chopped up as well?

• There are no menial jobs, only menial attitudes.

Have you ever visited one of the sweatshops where the workers are beaten, harassed, abused and rarely paid? I have! Therefore, I totally disagree!

(To be continued)

The Mobile Phone Parody!

For as long as I can recall, dad and I never used to agree about... well, more or less anything! I can actually remember a time when I used to wonder: "Are we really related? Could it be that I had another father, a real one, who mom never told me about?"

Since those are issues that will never be resolved except after a DNA test., let's move on to the topic I would like to pick your brain on today: Mobile phones!

My dad never owned a mobile phone, until less than a year ago. He argued that when he wanted to be located "and harassed" he would be at a certain place - work or home - and people could reach him there. Otherwise, he preferred not to be bothered and felt he was better off without the constant interrogation of: "Where are you? What are you doing? When are you coming?"

That always used to astonish me! I mean really: It's amazing that you can be in touch with everyone all the time. Right?

Wrong!

The mobile phone has managed to transform itself from a tool for necessary communication into a tracking device then evolved - devolved, rather - to a blaming apparatus!

Forget about the global obsession with mobile brands, models, updates and software. Also, forget about the demonic possession accompanied with buying a Blackberry or an iPhone. I am just talking about the not-so-obvious problems that having any mobile phone impose!

Blame Me Not!

Well, I am one of the many victims of the mobile phone. I am sure after reading this post, you will see yourself in the same place as I am as well!

Have you ever dosed off in front of your TV and woke up to find 3 missed calls and 2 messages? You check to see who it is and you find out the following:

1. The 3 missed calls and the message are from the same person.
2. The first message went something like this: "Are you okay? I tried calling you, you didn't pick up when I called!"
3. The second message read as follows: "Are you upset from me? Did I do something to piss you off?"

By the time you are done analyzing the situation, you wish you never owned a phone or even worse, you wish you never woke up!

However, still that can be seen as cute!

How about this situation:

You are busy with whatever or you just want to be alone. You start getting calls and for some reason or another, you decide not to pick up! A few days later, you find out that x is bad mouthing you or when you meet him/her, you get the cold shoulder. When you ask why, you get this answer: "Why didn't you pick up when I called?"

And it doesn't end here...

You try to explain that you were busy, and that seems outrageous to many!

You try to explain that you need time alone, and the psychoanalysis begins!

Come on people; when did having a mobile phone automatically mean that it will be with you 24/7? And who said we have an obligation to picking up very call we get and reply to every message we receive?

I wonder: who changed the laws of social interaction and forgot to send me the draft?

Oh, I have to end this here because my phone is ringing... Don't want to piss someone off now, or do we? :)

Like Broken Glass...

I feel empty:

Like an old dried up well,
Like broken glass,
Like a dead snail's shell!

I feel empty:

And it just keeps getting bigger with time,
Like a never ending scene by a skilled mime,
Like a faint tune with no specific rhyme!

I feel empty:

And I honestly do understand:
No one cares to hold my hand,
And alone, here, I need to stand!

I feel empty:

But it doesn't really matter anymore,
There is no use trying to fight this war,
Take my white flag for I'm closing the door!

Room 602

Words... Don't they ever end?
&
Silence... Doesn't it ever get bored?
&
Thoughts: Millions of them, hovering around my squeamish head...

An empty soul & a full head: A great recipe for suicide!

Yet...
It never ends. It seems like it never will...

This whore we call life" breathing, hurting, breaking, taking...

Then the night falls, and a new day follows but things are the same yet different...

A cycle, a step, a tear.
&
Loss: of self, of being, of identity, in a forest of absolute nothingness...

Do You Not See Your Selfishness?

"Do You Not See Your Selfishness"? he asked, as the physical pain ripped her guts apart...
How dare she wake him from his dear sleep just to plead for a temporary cure?
How could she bring herself to dial his number where there was a slight chance that he could be sleeping?

The audacity - What a bitch!

Generals, dinners, dogs, pools, bikes, new adventures, moments lost in time, and all the other crap. They are worth more.

How low could she go? Comparing herself to a dog?

Self righteous excuse for a human being - that is what she became!

It is interesting how small our world feels when we are in contempt of the "heart court" in question.

It is even more interesting how human lives become almost insignificant when facing those with no heart, common sense or even sympathy.

Escape? That is one solution. But what about the memories? Can they escape you as well? Or will they only follow you, like your ugly shadow, wherever you go.

How ugly is a human being with no dignity, even if it was unwillingly stripped away from under his feet throughout the course of 3 degrading years!

Forgiveness? Overrated.

Love? An obsolete concept.

Loyalty? Who cares!

When the wheels of misfortune turn, the results will be painful for all participators.

And then what? You hear the news that your precious dream might never come true and you cry and you try to find a shoulder to lean on. All the good shoulders are taken, broken or have no bones!

You cry some more. You still breath, move, and think. You are still alive on the outside. No hope for you on the inside because you yourself feel lifeless.

You dream of a better day. Which reminds me of a next topic: Dreams should be illegal! Illusions, fake hope and an optimistic highway. Just like booze and drugs.

How foolish we are to believe in dreams. And in change as well.

Change? Nothing changes. Nothing at all: except maybe your perception of things after you have been beaten down, broken sideways and pulled apart. Only after you have lost your vision of right and wrong, does change come in and pounce on you!

Reality? Well, reality is real and you are stuck with it! Better make the best out of it! Simply accept what you are and make it your goal to find out what kind of dish you are going to cook for your husband tonight, or just let go of it and live in your illusions. The former is advisable!

To be continued.

I Used to Call for Breast Equality!

"It's too hot, I can't breathe", she replied with a muffled whisper while holding her tears of frustration down to the grounds of her worn-out mind.

All the empty and loaded thoughts that circulated her sleep-deprived being were knocking hard on her memories' doors, waking them up from a deep sleep; just like a mystic monster awaking from his winter's hibernation.

This was like no other time for the simple reason that: For once, things were really supposed to be different! In a movie, this would have been the part where the happy music would begin to play in the background, where the cloud-shadowed sun would come through and the kids would run with laughter on their little blessed faces!

But it was not. Just because movies are not real. Simple as that.

If I were to begin to try and explain to you the attack of my disappointed mind, you would not understand. You would probably begin to give me a lecture about optimism, looking forward and suggest the glass theory to me. Some of you might even start so selfishly share your way of handling these kind of attacks - as if any of these really ever happened to you!

Which brings me to my next point: How do people convince themselves that they "know what you are going through"? It takes a lot of guts I tell you, and a little bit of ignorance as well, if I may say, to prescribe a cure for a pain that is unimaginable to those living with hollow hearts.

I missed writing, I really did. I missed it and feared going back to it at the same time. You see, for someone like me who uses words to vent, it is a scary thought that even after writing, I still feel bad and need further ventilation! There is also this fear of not getting it right: forgetting my trail of thoughts, diverting into a million topics (just like I'm doing now) or simply - again - not satisfying whoever stumbles upon this post!

Moving on...

Let's talk about emotions; you know those some are loaded with while others lack completely. You know what astonishes me? Emotions are like breasts: they come in different sizes, colors and shapes and their results vary from one person to another. I used to call for breast equality, now I believe I would be more than satisfied with emotional equality!

The end... for now.

Reds, Blacks & Whites...

Reds, blacks and whites are the colors I see; no greens, no blues and no grays!

I open my eyes every morning and wait for my mind to quit the games it plays!

For a heart that never was cured is a burden and lips that are sealed are a pain,
And every time I move forward one step, I trip and fall to gracefully bite the grain!

However, and regardless, I keep my chin up and pull my cheeks to form a smile,
And wait, so impatiently, for something different to come along & make this life worthwhile!

I gave up on words, so long ago, words that others utter to my ears to hear,
I can't handle more disappointments from those who are close and dear!

I want to see colors again, like a rainbow, I want my soul to sing out loud,
I want the light to enter my heart, I want to somehow fit in the crowd!

Forgive Me, If You Can...

Image By: Beirut

Forgive me, if you can:

For the engendered pain oozing from my weary face,
And the dormant rage leaking from my sleepy eyes...
For the times I let you down and lose my subtle grace,
And the constant fear, hesitations and erupting sighs...

Forgive me, if you can:

And I really wish you would, sooner than later I guess,
I am growing into my skin, which barely fits me anymore!
For the longest time I have been in such a terrible mess,
That I can't help but fear a big fall after a love's soar!

Forgive me, if you can:

I can't seem to get over the bulk of sadness I so stupidly wore,
I can't seem to stop my mind from anticipating more pain!
I find myself wrapped up in the past's slime from head to core,
I really, truly, sincerely can't handle getting hurt once again!

A State of Utter Nothingness!

Words escape me as I try to untangle the knots of my spiderweb like thoughts...

With every day, new variables are added to the equation of my chaotic being...

With every step forward, a few others backwards...

I understand now: The implications of decisions, the real pain waiting unfolds, some of the reasons for doing "wrong" by yourself or by those around you...

And although I'd love to believe that the little girl inside of me is still shielded from my disappointments and anger, I can hardly convince myself that she still smiles... I sometimes even doubt if she is there anymore!

The itch that I can't scratch, the scars which I can't heal, the memories that live within the layers of my mind...

All remind me that I am human - which is good - but that this humanity makes me fragile...

"In order to be happy, one must detach from feelings and slowly release him/her self from the chains of humanity"...

I wonder now, is this true?

The guilt... Another hammer digging me deeper into the ground... (I'm reminded here of a scene from a horror movie where the zombie tries to escape the grave - a hand sticking out of the soil)...

Then there is complete and utter nothingness... And here is where I stop... For now...

If My Nerves Had Lips!

If my nerves had lips...

They would shout: Enough is enough!
They would bite them so hard that I could taste the blood,
"I am bored of being strong and acting tough;
This crap is just too much, rummaging me like a raging flood"!

If my heart had claws...

It would have ripped itself from its current space!
Because there's only this much a heart can take,
It would have run off to be far; in a better place!
The pain it's being forced into is causing it to break!

If my ears had hands...

They would have kept away from words,
In silence their haven would have been!
They would have shone away from the herds,
Since on being here I have never been keen!

The Sight of You... Nauseates Me!

I swear it does!

More words than integrity,
More lies than ability,
More promises than eternity!

But you act as if you care!

Mixed signals of hate and affection,
It feels like you're my only infection,
You bring me pain and fake protection!

But I still had faith in you!

When you conspired against me with giggles,
When you ran from question in wiggles,
When you always clapped for the triggers!

And now you don't matter!

I won't measure myself with your crooked yardsticks,
I won't be waiting for you to mash my face with your bricks!
I won't allow you to manipulate me just to get your kicks!

Execrable!

I, so naively, thought that I could go on without this blog!

I thought that I was strong - or maybe just sane - enough to take the execrable situations, that I am repeatedly forced into, and make something good out of them, without the need to vent by writing; you know, tackle each problem and solve it as I go!

Sadly though, I was painfully wrong - just like many other times where I thought I knew better!

Am I a changed person since the last post I wrote and published here? I believe so.
Do I like this new person I am now? For the most part, maybe yes, but when it comes to the important part of me, the part that thrives on great feelings, passion, and all this crap, the answer is NO!

"They" are there as a constant reminder that this will not be easy! Their little conspiracy theories, their lack of commitment, their lies, their schemes, and all other negative things they bring into my days and burden my soul with, they are all so hard to shake off!

"She" never stops the blame... Every single day... Never satisfied with anything I do or say; never willing to give me some space to breath!

Breath! God, I miss breathing: taking long, deep breaths and feeling better... It has been so long since I really felt better!

"He" never seizes to amaze me with the audacity he so proudly carries onto his personality, wearing it as a coat to cover his weary bones and a cat to warm his tired mind!

And yes, I am tired... And I do ache...

But what is different now?

I gave up... I gave up on people and I gave up on trying. I have no more faith in anyone or anything and I live, day by day, never looking forward to anything and always holding my head to the front not to look back... But that's it! A mere, shallow and futile existence; no one is worth it!

And to all of you out there, whom I've written a few letters to the past few months, you sadly proved to me how well-deserved each word I wrote about you was and I hope that one day life will teach you how pain can scar, the way you did me...

Regards...

Hollow World...

That's all this world is: hollow, cold, manipulative and meaningless...

The actors on the stage of life are playing their cruel roles good and well...

"Never underestimate the capacity of others to let you down"..

And I raise my white flag... I surrender!

Illusions of a Better Year!

The human mind is such a complex, and sometimes even scary, place! It's like a room; sometimes filled with happy, jolly voices, laughs of kids, scents of different roses, memories of good moments while at other times it is just dark, empty and tangled up, filled with painful stories of a life never lived, of a hope never fulfilled, of a love never returned and of a smile stolen away from time!

Oh how I laugh, so ironically, at those who think that now that 2009 is gone, the year coming next, 2010, will be any better! The illusions they have about things changing to meet their moods and to suit their needs is just ridiculous!

What changed? Really? What changed between 31-12-2009 and 1-1-2010? Where was the magic wand that hovered across the earth solving everyone's problems and bringing their souls to a silent peace? Where was that fairy dust which showered the land with goodness and purified minds from evil?

The answer is simple: get realistic people; this is the real world! There are no fairies or magic dust, there is no magic wand... It is all the same, just another year carrying with it just other disappointments!

I tried reevaluating myself for the past four days, you know, since it's a "new year" and all. You know what I got? Nothing! A big fat hollow nothing!

Yeah I know, I've made mistakes: I've cried in my office for stupid reasons, I talked back to my mother when I shouldn't have, I allowed my pain to hurt others, I held faith in something that was never worth it. Yet, other than those few incidents, I have done nothing really wrong! I committed no BIG sins like killing, lying, stealing and so on!

Yet, my luck seems to be hating me! Karma seems to have placed me in its head; in a negative and unfavorable manner!

Stay tuned for my "new" year's resolutions!