Love's Painful Chains...

"What I needed most was to love and to be loved, eager to be caught. Happily I wrapped those painful bonds around me; and sure enough, I would be lashed with the red-hot pokers or jealousy, by suspicions and fear, by burst of anger and quarrels". St. Augustine

I have spent my recent days in numbness, my dark nights in solitude,
I have tried my best to be alright, I have not found peace or gratitude...

All I needed was to love and be loved, all I needed was for this pain to find a cure,
Yet the thrones of life were scheming to rip me; too much anger rising that I can't endure!

I'm spread in all directions, pulled apart like a fallen birdman on the sidewalk of dead dreams!
Whether I call out or keep it all locked up inside, the sound is too muffled to unfurl my screams!

Where do I go? How do I run away from my senses, those which in chaos both boil and steam?
How do I teach my heart to be ice cold? How do I force my mind to lie, pretend and scheme?

Love Can Never Be Forced!

You might try hard to make yourself fall in love at times,
Trick your heart into believing that for her, only, it chimes!

You might make an effort to to be there and understand,
Hold her close at times, caress her and touch her hand!

You might think you know what you feel when she's around,
Try desperately to fly; jumping to lift your feet off the ground!

You might mix a crush and a lust with the true ache of love inside,
Lie to your senses and mind, while your real neutral feelings hide!

You might itch, lose sleep, ponder, act, wonder and crawl!
Yet, love can never be forced: it is either there or it isn't at all!

Wilted Garden...

If love is a flower, burn my garden cause all the flowers are wilted and dead.
If feelings were of crystal, drag them out of me and place rocks instead!
If the mind can't get over you, reboot my thoughts and snatch them out of my head!
And if dreams never come true, just torch this useless pillow and this damned bed!

If I stay here, a happy future for me is something I will never ever get!
If I go away, there are a million possible other if's that I will regret!
If I place a bet on us, I swear on my life that I will sadly lose this bet!
And if I can have only one wish, I would wish that we had never met!

If I say something or another, the opposite you swear is true,
If I try to come closer and make this work, all I am is angry and blue...
If I work on building trust, I'm bombarded with doubts by you!
And whatever can pain me or humiliate me, you so gladly do!

To be continued...

Please... No More!

Tears burning tired eyes of brown,
I wake up with an aching frown...

Tiny icicles scratching my throat to muteness: I can't speak,
I hate it when you make me feel this fragile and weak!

Thoughts of black running through my head,
Maybe it should have been you instead!

The power you have over me you use so skilfully,
You break my tender soul and you do it willfully!

Like a tick you suck the blood out of my heart,
Yet I bleed and ache in agony when we are apart!

I am so sick of this cycle to the point beyond any despair,
You feel nothing towards anything yet you act like you care!

And I feel like walking away, every day I do,
I contemplate a life so far away from you!

Then again I come back, missing your illusive embrace,
Craving the color of your eyes and the grin on your face!

Please... I beg you, no more, no more!
I am dying from my head to my core!

Subtle Purity...

Underneath layers of human flesh and bone, a certain warmth I've never felt before exists...
Where there is gloominess, sadness and pain, a serene smile on a glowing face so restfully sits...

Subtle purity wrapped around you changing you from the usual plain human presence,
Something about you shines so bright, something beautiful untouched in your essence...

If I hadn't known better, a child of light I would assume you were, an angel roaming earth,
May "God" in all his definitions protect you and bless your parents for this sacred birth...

I wish you endless joy with every breath you take for your peace has unusually touched my heart...
Yet I wonder how this goodness I could not see and how I almost resented you at the start!

(To be continued)

Divided We Are...

You and I, in different worlds we live, as one yet divided,
What to do next? Where to go now? It's always undecided...

You steal my smile and replace it with sizzling tears which tickle my sight,
Too long has passed that I seem to have lost my sense of wrong and right!

They blame me for you, their words, my heart, they penetrate,
Blinding me to my faith in love and pushing me towards hate!

Divided we are, you and I, no matter how close, so far we are apart,
I should've seen the signs from the beginning, walked away from the start!

Like bee stings to skin, your carelessness aches my soul as warm as could be,
You insist that whatever I do for you, you are you and I am, just me...

And as the music plays for my heart beats to dance in sorrow,
I inhale my misery and feel, simply, utterly and unbelievably hollow...

Divided we are, living as two, no past to look back to, no present to live,
Even the future has a dead end for us, regardless of all I have to give...

Three Hearts, Not One...

Some people have it easy, they live with one heart, more than often a barely functional one: unable to feel too much, love too deeply and therefore they give too little while forcing you to believe that it is all that they can give and it should be enough!

My curse, the real sorrow that breeds within the layers of my soul and my very existence, is the fact that I have 3 hearts and not one...

Where are they situated you might ask? Well, it is humanly possible to have more than one heart! Yet, within this heart that pumps blood, anger, sorrow and pain to each part of my body, there exists two smaller hearts that break and heal over and over again, endlessly, indefinitely...

Not only do those 3 hearts beat and break, they also love deeply and hurt painfully, 3 times more than anyone can!

The joy I feel, I feel so plenty and the sorrow I feel multiplied, intensified and heavy!

Take away my hearts, all of them, and leave me with none, for I am tired of love and pain... I am tired of you... I am tired of me... I am tired of this cycle of yes and no and maybe...

Quivering Incertitude...

All is well and good. Not really, but maybe at this point things are getting a little bit clearer than they were and have been for the past, hmm, 2 years (what seemed to feel like an eternity!) Now I know for sure: nothing will ever be the way I want it to be, or even close and many of those who are around me now need to be replaced as soon as possible!

I am uncertain about everything and nothing at the same time. Caught up in the web of intermingled emotions that are screaming for haven in every single direction!

I am a mess. A subtle mess, mixed with a dash of interlaced hopes and enchanted uncertainties!

What is next? What is right? What is wrong? What is real? What is fake? Where did I lose my way? How will I find it? What is my way anyway?

Hate, love - love, hate... This is how I feel towards everyone and everything around me... With no exclusions or exceptions...

Anger? Nothing but an emotion, which if unexpressed, builds up a volcano waiting, secretively, to explode!

Happiness? Overrated, unattractive, non-existent! Whatever glimpse of happiness-like feelings you might ever feel are short-lived and also surreal, as if made from the silky threads of your demented imagination!

And then, there is the "damned if you do, damned if you don't" theory... Basically, in simple terms it means that whatever you do, you are blamed for something or the other!

"If you try to be good, you are accused of being a hypocrite; if you are plain, you are mean!
If you say the truth, you are penalized; if you lie most probably you'll be caught and punished too!
If you try hard, you're being too easy; if you don't try hard, you don't care..."

And so on!

But who can draw the line? I mean really, who can decide what to do, with whom, where, how, why, why not and so on?

How can you pick your battles? How can you know who is really on your side and who will end up screwing you over?

I rest now... unrested... tired... hyper... baffled... worried... concerned... lost... found... here.. there... everywhere...

Missing, craving, wanting, needing, hoping, wishing, waiting... most of all aching... emotionally... nothing more... nothing less...