My Brother & I...

This picture was taken when my little brother visited me in Lebanon and we went to this magical village called "Ni7a"...

We both loved the place... It was filled with green trees and scenary and humble and generous people...

اشتقتك با لبنان

If You're Gone ... (MatchBox 20) - One of My Favorite Songs

I think I've already lost you
I think you're already gone.
I think I'm finally scared now
You think I'm weak - But I think you're wrong
I think you're already leaving
Feels like your hand is on the door
I thought this place was an empire
But now I'm relaxed - I can't be sure

I think you're so mean - I think we should try
I think I could need - this in my life
I think I'm just scared - I think too much
I know this is wrong it's a problem I'm dealing

If you're gone - maybe it's time to come home
There's an awful lot of breathing room
But I can hardly move
If you're gone - baby you need to come home
Cuz there's a little bit of something me
In everything in you

I bet you're hard to get over
I bet the room just won't shine
I bet my hands I can stay here
I bet you need - more than you mind

Not Just Another Day...

Another day, not without "you", just with "me"!
A new day, a new challenge, I struggle to be…
The sense of my superiority overwhelms my humble mind…
The real I, my essence in life, begin to unwind…
As the trees sing their morning songs and sway …
I close my eyes and listen to the rhymes they play…
As I watch the sun rise from behind the hills of this once unfamiliar place…
I see myself standing in front of all the troubles I might face…
I take a look at the sky above and wave to its blues and mine…
A pale sense of safety enters my soul and for the first time, I feel things are going to be finally fine…
I regain my breath and collect the scrambled pieces of my sense being…
Push away all the obstacles that stood in the way of me clearly seeing…
Another day, not "away from home", trying to adapt to my new one…
Some doubts still remain yet many fears are gone…
There must be a higher power that is smiling on me from the heavens above….
It granted me peace, a dim ray of glowing hopes, and love…

The Post-War Pictures of Lebanon's Beaches...

It breaks my heart to see these pictures...

And we all know it does not end there...The houses that were destroyed every day, the bridges and streets that were torn down, the people who were killed...

Yet, Lebanon will survive.... Remember this song???

....لبنان يا قطعة سما

Dedicated to My Peace of Mind!

A faint yet cold summer night's breeze, creeps into the windows of my room...

I'm here awake, thinking of what's happening with me and what I need to do...

Wherever I seem to be, chaos seems to grow and so disturbingly bloom...

And the roots of hopes and dreams just suddenly become dull and blue!

Some might say: "Why do you always think negatively? You have a great life ahead of you!

You are smart, beautiful, energetic, successful.." and other traits they might add....

I know many might consider all these true...

Yet, as I wait for the morning sun to enter and enlighten my soul, I can't help but feel sad!

Somehow, those I truly love I manage to chase away...

And in their place, the pure and utter desperation and misery stay...

I've lost so many loved ones along this long and tediuos road called: Being!

I've been living a lie, or just so blinded from seeing...

I want to make things right, I want to do all those I love something good...

I want to make them happy, I pray and wish that i actually could...

At the end, I just know that I should stop trying in vein...

And that one day, the rain will come and from my heart erase the pain...

Ramblings of An Unheard Soul!

Friday…. A long one.. Just like many before…

I FEEL LIKE I'M LIVING SOMEBODY ELSE'S LIFE…
This is not my life… Where am I? Who am I? What am I?
This house is no longer my home… These streets no longer remember my foot steps…
This country does not recognize my name…
I see people… All these people, who are they? What do they want from me? All they do is just show my what an "alien" I am!!!

They are so good at saying: "Oh, you looked so good yesterday!!!" But then, if I do need any of them, where are they?

What do you all want from me?

I'm am not the perfect anything! I'm not the perfect daughter and that's for sure!

I can't take this anymore! It's too much!

Three Worst Men...

There were three men competing to see who the worst one in the world is.

The first one attacked a woman , beat her until her teeth fell out and she bled from her nose and ears. He beat her so savagely that she fainted. He turned to the others and said, "I am the worst one of all."

The second man stepped up to rape her and beat her further until she was almost dead. He turned to the others and said, "No one can be worse than me."

The third one stepped up, smiled coldly, and said, "No, I am the worst one even though I just stood by and watched, because this woman is my sister.

The woman is Lebanon and Palestine.

The first man is Israel.

The second is America & the West.

The third is the Arab world that stood by and did nothing.

Sleepless in Amman!

As I sit in front of the keyboard, I feel this urge to write. What? I don't really know! I just feel that there are so many things I want to say and share with a few people, those who are the closest to me and I feel that something is keeping me from doing that… What? Well, I do have an answer for that question… It may be fear of their reaction; their shame, confusion, misjudgment or just the mere look on their faces that says: "What the hell are you doing?"

I am loaded with hopes, pains and tears yet hopeful to obtain happiness, smiles and tranquility…

I feel like a candle at this moment: beautiful to look at, while the light of me flickers in those observers' eyes, yet, if I were to be touched, I could burn the hands of those who try, I could burn them down completely…

I feel so isolated from the world I live in… I feel like an outcast… A flower in the midst of a scorching desert… I drop of water in an ocean of rain…. A breeze in a winter's storm…

It's really strange, ironic and painfully real how this life tends to build our hopes and burn them down in the blink of an eye… How we really feel happy and joyful at one moment and then, just like that, we are burdened with the fear of the unknown, of what's to come…

It has been a while since I've been at ease with myself, with my own existence… It has been so long since I felt at ease with the world around me… I find no real joy in what's around me, no matter what I do… And I blame people around me for that and the country that I'm in for this state of confusion, when, really, there is only me to blame…

See there is always this black and white, still the grey remains a significant part of our being… We humans can not always know what the right (white) decision is, or how to evaluate the path we are on… Things are much more complicated to us than colors… Maybe even equations and formulas would not be able to explain our state of being…

Then what? What next? How should we deal with it?
Well, I've thought about this a lot… A friend once suggested writing down what I think about in points and evaluating the situations by placing a column for advantages and another for disadvantages… But come on, who can differentiate those? I mean really….

Whether it be friends, family members or simply a loved one… How can you know for sure how to act? How can you do what should be done? All with regard to your well being and content at least…

I'm lost again… I'm lost for words, in words, out of words… I'm lost in truth and in lies, in wrong and right, in black and white that I don't know where I am or what my true color is….

Here, at this point in my life, where I feel proud of my achievements yet weak and broken down, I know no reality, no peace, no composure… The world can see through me just as they could see through a piece of glass! I'm transparent and openly available for comments and opinions….

Every day I wake up, is "just another day" with suspended dreams to saddle my stride…

I aim to seek my dreams… I aim to seek my goals… I aim for stability once again and for true feelings…

I wish for love… I wish for it to find me, at any place and any time and to free me from doubt and fear…

I wish for a brighter day, a new beginning, a fresh start…

I want to shout, scream, cry and let it all out!

I see my future ahead of me… I run after it but it just seems to be getting away… "Wait for me, I will be there…"

I opt for a quicker end of this misery… For a chance to just "get out and be free"… But then again: Where should I be? What should I do? And would anything else make me a happier person?

A New Experience on My Calendar of Maturity!

I feel that I'm inclined to share this recent experience of mine with all those who read my posts on a daily basis or at least every once in a while…

After having been "stuck" in Jordan for the past 3 weeks, something overwhelming happened… and I just realized a new inner power I have which couldn't have been revealed in any other way than this "misfortunate happening" in Lebanon!

So my experience, in return, made me believe in another theory, that all things do happen for a reason and that the flow of events, even if painful and heart breaking, are never just random; that things do happen for a reason….

Going back to my childhood in Amman… I was what they call a "tom boy"! I had problems dealing with people and with guys in particular… I mean what can you expect from a child who left her country of birth and friends to live in another country where everything is new to her? What do you expect an 8 year old girl to do when she has to change 4 schools in around 9 years?
I had no self confidence what so ever, very shy, very isolated and always on my own or with one female friend who I chose to stick around with… (By the way, I briefly refer to this in my unfinished Novel)

I remember now, with a smile on my face, all those guys that I used to admire, or just simple like, back in those days… I remember clearly how I never "had the guts" to speak to any of them… I mean what would I say? We barely had anything in common! Plus, I was so buried in my shame that I couldn't even utter a word, or even a look, to any of them! This was so painful to me before, now I look back at it and I smile… with pride, with confidence and with certainty…

I have always wished that the day would come and I would have a chance to fulfill one of my "humble" dreams and be able to walk up to any of those guys and open up any decent subject and just talk… I believe that day has finally come…

I have grown up and I did change, in many ways of course, but most importantly, I have reached a point where I can do whatever I believe in and not care for the consequences, as long as I know it's right and I am sure it won't cause pain to those around me…

Today marks a very special day in the calendar of my maturity… As it is the day I finally conquer one of my childhood fears by calling one of those guys and just talking to him…

Don't get me wrong, I don't think of this guy or any other, as a potential boyfriend… I just feel so glad and happy that I can just talk, you know, about life, work, university and the past 12 years with no shame and no fear…

This experience has been building up for the past 2 weeks… I have been meeting a lot of old classmates and people who were with me in one of the schools I had been to in Amman… I experienced this adrenaline rush while talking to each and every one of them… It was amazing… Indescribable…

The beauty of it is that all the credit goes back to me… I have crossed so many roads, stumbled and fell so many times and I am here… Standing with pure confidence to say: "At last, I did it my way!"

I know, I'm sure actually, that many of those who did not "get bullied" at school and had friends by their side all along would not begin to appreciate this experience of mine… But I'm also sure that those who know me will find this as both stunning and amazing… Cause they always see the "strong" side of me… The girl who is out going, has so many friends, a great social life and is always busy doing this and seeing those…

Thank you… Each and everyone of you who will read this piece of writing that put me at ease…

Wow! Can You Believe These "People"!!

Really these Israelis amaze the world by how much they can either be fools themselves, or "try" to be fool, or maybe try to fool the world around them.

In reflex to the Kana massacre, one of the "smartest" (and I mean dumbest of course) attempts to cover up for a massacre they are trying to escape was the following text, which i am quoting from an article posted on Jerusalem Post magazine:

"According to one of the Web sites raising questions about the affair, Israel Insider, "the accumulating evidence suggests another explanation for what happened at Kana. The scenario would be a setup in which the time between the initial bombing near the building and morning reports of its collapse would have been used to 'plant' bodies killed in previous fighting... place them in the basement, and then engineer a 'controlled demolition' to fake another Israeli attack."

This is one of many "really smart" explanations to this unhumanitarian massacre!!!Israel, stop "trying" to fool your people and the world, the truth is too obvious, and everyone knows it.

Free world, humanitarian world, this is the time for action.

Hopes of A Hopeless Girl.. Part I

Her prompt mind ran through the bundle of possibilities—did she finally find him? The man she had stopped looking for a few years back? The dream of being happy, the one she had lost hope for long time ago? and now, as she held the cold lifeless phone in the palm of her hands, she imagined him doing the same trying to picture his face.

He would have a sincere smile on his face, a beautiful one and eyes that are loaded with innocence and purity. She knew this inherently, being naturally trusting herself. Preconsciously, she knew this wasn't "just a fling", it was the real thing, it was love, once again, knocking on her door, and when she wouldn't open, it would come through the window, straight into her heart and soul.

Even now, as she pushed an errant strand of brown hair behind her ear she worried he would know, distinctively, what she was feeling. To be thought of as simply a beautiful woman was bridling, unthinkable. But she was beautiful... fatally, stunningly prepossessing. Yet the genuine and unique relationship she commanded deepened the yearnings of her heart... to let it open, to let someone in.

She's a writer. That's what writers do, they imagine how people behave. She had to admit that she had noticed him. Writers do that... Notice people. She saw that he wore that same burdened look on his face, so she took her chances.

Sliding out of Time

They're saying it's the week-end. The last sunny hours before sunset...
A soft summer breeze is blowing.It's calm, you can hear crickets, and a few birds, chirping in the distance.
They say you can tell the temperature by the frequency of a cricket's chirp...
Behind a blue curtain, a boy is playing the guitar, he seems to be singing;"We're not gonna die....
"Strange melody, strange words...
Outside a house, by an olive tree, a little girl with beautiful auburn hair is strolling back and forth on her scooter.
Far away, the sea glitters under the sun's golden reflection,But you can't see Beirut, it's lost in the haze, or the smog, or is it just lost?Is that the hum of a warplane? Or is it the remnants of another southern shelling?
This light, these warm smells of summer brush, these colors, these sounds, this "calm",
Are constantly screaming out for peace in silence...Something does not make sense when such beauty is raped.The hum is louder now, it's definitely a jet plane.Something is absurd when daily, every smile we draw tastes like salt,When every rare burst of laughter almost crushes our chest into arrest.But we still appreciate the simple runaway moments,
The cool air when the ground starts to breathe after sunset,
The moon hanging over the poisoned sea,
The certainty that there is something immortal to this land,
To this blood,T
he feeling that even if we don't get to witness or confirm it,
This country and these people will live forever,
As magical as that, As simple as that.
You can't kill magic with metal and hatred and fire.
You can't touch what you can't see, what you can never understand,Because long ago you let fear eat you up, and turn you into a blind monster.
"I shall kill, and oppress, in order to never be oppressed or killed, ever again."Makes sense, if you are ready to go through life without living it.
Without soul.
Without magic.
Wake up.

Christophe Katrib
29/07/06
Lebanon.

To The Arabs... With... Love??

Our war began, as it may end, with us starting at our television screens, which we sat in front of for long hours, days and nights… And where the news broadcasts have become our daily breakfast, lunch and dinner meals!

We carried out bags and filled them with the ammo of condemning, swearing and profanities. We stood in front of the enemy's artillery and we threatened: "Don't You dare!!" After all, we are people who have the ability to use the most expressive words at any situation…

We throw our bodies down on our chairs, or on our beds, and we complain about being tired… Are we really tired? Or is it the Arab world that is grousing from tiredness?

The human being has become the cheapest commodity being sold among those big players in the market! This weak and helpless human being who now is lucky to have a vast variety of choices to find death; a bullet, a rocket, or just get buried under some fallen building!

A new barbarian, destructive, vicious and inhuman massacre… Its victims being 60 people, with 38 of which are children… How can we sleep? How can we eat? How can we drink? What we care about is our comfort… How can we be that naïve and careless? When, out there, exists someone who has lost a mother and a father, a sister and a brother, a daughter and a son, an infant, or maybe a whole family??? How can we when many are being killed randomly, as if they were sheep being slaughtered on the first day of Eid!

We lost our courage, we blinded our ears and numbed our feelings…Justice? Where is it? It probably has gone with the wind…. Let us at least keep some of our pride… Just some!

Instead of glaring at the television screens, those that are painted with the blood of our people, why don't we try to do something? Anything? Why don't we just try? What are we afraid of?

Enspired by: One of my fellow bloggers...