Sweat Drops...

I'm amazed, no, actually, I am bedazzled:

How could one bleed this much inside and still be alive? How could one sweat in the midst of the cold night? How could one lose sleep for many nights in a row? How could one scream to be heard, so loud, and yet no one can hear those screams? How could one be so lonely yet not choke from all the anger and pain swallowed, gulp by gulp, day by day?

I know what you're thinking: Come on! It's almost new year's! Cheer up, celebrate!

Hehe... Yeah, I know... I'm more bored with my sorrow than you are at this point. Therefore, if you're in a good mood, I urge you to leave this post now and go see a loved one, go out with friends, have a drink, hell, have a PARTY!

Otherwise, you are welcomed to be here, share my pain with me...

So, for those of you who decided to stay, allow me to let you in on a little secret: I think I am death proof! I think it's God's way of punishing me for whatever sins I have committed when I was younger, or maybe even in another life!

Leaving aside the emotional traumatizing accidents, the physical incidents which could have easily got me killed, all failed! And I'm still here!

So little food, so little sleep... And I'm still here!
Too much stress, problems and anger... And I'm still here!
Too little overrated happy moments stolen in time... And I'm still here!
Too much physical damage caused by my indefinite pain... And I'm still here!

ENOUGH!

To be continued... Or maybe not!

Strip Poker!

You called the game then called the shots: Strip poker it was!

Not that I don't mind nudity or enjoy it in any way, but as always, I let you lay down the rules and I promise to play by them to the last breath and whatever it takes!

Occasionally, you would change the rules and forget, but that was fine, as they say: "rules are meant to be broken!"

So we sat down, for many many months, and played your game, your way!

And the stripping began:

First round: I had to strip out of my ego; you made me feel bad about my past and the pain I was forced to go through while growing up - the same pain which made me stronger, more able to take care of you and a family one day.

But that was okay: ego is a cardinal sin after all!

Second round: I had to strip out of my pride; your conspiracy with everyone against my pride was really well planned out! I stopped caring about your insults and theirs, I took it all in, like a man, though I'm definitely not!

But that, too, was okay: pride is one of the seven deadly sins!

Third round: I had to strip out of my joy; the little happy girl inside shrunk into her cocoon and slowly yet surely, died a very silent death. (May God rest her soul)

Here, I started worrying, murder is a sin; you drove me to murder!

Fourth round: (I'm almost utterly naked and my skin is covered with over-hyped goosebumps) I had to strip out of my mind since staying there and playing this game after all those losses is simply and clearly INSANE!

Oh well, insanity is just a socially set construct.

Last round: With shame, I had to finally strip out of myself! My body no longer could hold me in because my soul became rotten with fear, anger and pain and my heart weakened with insults, broken words and too many lies...

Well, hard luck for me and... to you dearest... congrats: you have managed to take it all away!

Let's Make Love...

Come closer...

Bring your body close to mine...
Let your breath touch my neck and my heart shiver...
In the music we sway, our bodies in twine....
Make me become whole again, collect me sliver by sliver...

Come here...

Bring your warmth and cover us up...
Let your eyes indulge in me, let your hands find my curls...
In the night we are alone, as we drink from passion's cup...
Make me feel that you're my man and I'm your girl...

My teddy bear...

While I drench you in tears and wish you could understand,
While I tell you my fears, and hope you could hold my hand...

You, I and the wet tissues are here on this bed alone,
You have no soul to feel and I have no real haven or home...

The Unforgivables...

"Forgiveness is a virtue of the brave".~Indira Gandhi

Her soul is tired from carrying around all this deeply entrenched pain and dreadful memories of a voice so harsh, of a word so humiliating, of an act so unkind, of a look so hollow, of a love never returned and of a promise so unfulfilled.

In her mind she stumbles with the thoughts passing by of the places she had been, the people she had met, the chaos she had undergone...

Somewhere inside of her existence, she feels she needs to forgive. She needs to be brave and allow all this pain to wither away with forgiveness...

Yet, she knows, she can not forgive what she can not forget; as long as the wound is fresh, it will keep bleeding and though the past is the past, it did not heal yet with the help of the poking and the scratching that "all of them" impose!

The unsettled childhood, the messed up teenage years, the love which was never appreciated, the things she had lost, the nights she had cried, the pain which she endured alone, the longing for a warm touch on the face, the yearning for a sincere embrace... All of these and many more, deeply rooted somewhere she can't reach to pull out or even trim!

Would you mind telling her: How could she forgive the uncalled for pain? How could she find it in her heart to refrain herself from HATING or HURTING those who placed her in the corner of despair, intentionally?

A Hesitant Suicide Note...

A while back, around 4 or 5 years ago, I remember writing a suicide note. I know what you're thinking: "Crazy!" It's your opinion. So maybe I am, maybe I'm not.

Come to think of it, the funny and equally ironic thing about that suicide note, which I remember very clearly now, as if I wrote it a couple of days ago, is the reason why I decided to write that note: A state of overwhelming happiness and safety, one which I was scared that this cruel life would steal away from me!

That suicide note explained the bliss and serenity I felt and how terrifying the thought of losing all that I had, all that I felt and the love that grew inside of me then, due to something out of my control!

Today, as I stand here trembling with fear of the mere thought of having to be threatened, humiliated, rejected, abandoned and marginalized, I think I have reached a new point of surrender: a point of no return...

It is one thing to die while your in love and your loved in return, happy, blissful and satisfied. However, it's another thing to die because your body began to cave in and fall apart, your mind is almost numb from negative thoughts and your heart is weak and feeble from the pain you are put through, day after day, and with no true reason of why this is all happening!

Lies, lies and more lies!

Deception, deception and more of it to come!

Ignorance, selfishness, carelessness...

Inflated ego, weak personalities, chains and no saws!

Now, after I thought this through, I surrender: I planned it all and prepared for the final scene...

I am finally relieved!

The clock is ticking and soon, it will be all over; for I have been all I can be and did all I can do for a big fat "NOTHING"!

May this soul of mine finally rest in peace...

P.S: For all of you out there who contributed to this final scene: May you get exactly what you deserve in life. You mocked my pain but your time must and will come.

Riddle Me This!

I am alright now; much better than I have been in a very long time.

For the few of you who have been there for me when I was sulking down in the pits of depression, I'd like to thank you, I'm floating up now. I am alright.

You know how they say: "Once I found all the answers to life, they changed all the questions?" Well, I'm done searching for answers!

I used to think giving up is a sign of weakness, but I know better now.

There will always be things we can't explain, people we won't understand and problems that have no solutions!

I don't understand you, never have, and pretty sure I never will!

You don't understand me either, regardless of how hard I try to be transparent in every little thing I say or do!

To make matters more complicated, I don't understand myself when I'm with you: the pain I take, the humiliation you cause, the anger you nurture, the things I give up and the insecurity you spark...

It's like a riddle; a sick one may I add, with no real solution!

No books were written about those like you, no poems composed, no songs sung, no studies done... In your own way, you are one of a kind; every exception to every rule!

Like a shaky, rusty roller coaster ride which I need to risk my life for going on every single time!

I'm done with your riddles!

The Truth about Letting Go...

There's an old saying that goes: "If you love someone let them go, if they return they're forever yours".

Since I have been there, done that, wore the shirt and the cap, let me lay it out to you, oh so bluntly: this is pure nonsense!

If you're wondering how I came up with such a conclusion, I have three reasons to share with you:

1. If you love someone, you can not let them go in the first place! Letting go is a sign of cowardliness, weakness, surrender and even, more so, a twisted disguise for playing a game with something as sacred as love!
2. If you consider letting someone you love go, if they do, really, love you back, they will choose to stay! No one in love is capable of abandoning his/her lover by choice!
3. If, after all this, you do let the one you love go, trust me on this: you don't want him/her back if that ever happens! Once you are out of sight, mind and heart and other random partners enter the picture, you should not settle for someone who got bored and came back to you out of despair or just because no one else was able to tolerate his/her crap as you did!

Hoping these words make a difference in your life because love is too precious to be tampered with, placed on hold or be humiliated and mistreated!

All the best!

On a Monkey's Visa!

A short, yet somewhat insightful, piece of advice:

When you decide to visit a heart, with the intentions of residing there permanently if things were to go well, make sure you know what type visa you are given in order to enter the heart in question!

Believe you me, you don't want to end up getting a monkey's visa, going bananas for love and attention with no real, hopeful main dish to look forward to!

All the best!

They Lied!

As we were growing up, we learned how to view the world in our parents' eyes; they taught us right from wrong according to their perspective of things, they preached to us on what to do and what to avoid depending on their experiences in life.

The older I get, and the more people I meet along with the experiences I have with them, I realize that, yes: my parents drove me off the track; they lied!

It was a lie to convince me that when you do good, good things will happen to you in return; that rarely ever happens!
It was a lie to preach to me how bad things happen for a reason; most of the bad experiences in my life have no logical explanation!
It was a lie to teach me how to be truthful, leading me to believe that this is the only way to rightfully take what is yours; being truthful within a world of lies and deception makes you stupid and naive!
It was a lie to tell me that I can make myself into whatever I want and that is what matters; sometimes, no matter what you do, people still don't see you as "enough"!

They told many other lies, yet, the mother of all lies has to be that about love, its purity and how it repays you with more and more love; my heart's wounds won't heal and my soul aches! Love, in this time and place, brings nothing but pain!

Cheers to all the lies and to the painfully uncovered truths!

Main Dish: Scrambled Thoughts!

A peak into the randomness of my thoughts: "When your own words fail you, there's nothing to do but to take refuge in the words of others to express your ache!"

• Faced with the fear of loss and abandonment, and under the heavy influence of jealousy's claws, no lover resembles him/her self.
  
• The amount of love one feels when happily in love equates the amount of aggressiveness and loathing one feels when disappointed by that same love!
• When a lover feels the urge to torture his/her loved one, it is never an intentional torture, rather, a way to try and make the loved one feel the pain and ache boiling up inside!
• When in love, the man becomes the sultan, the master, the compass and even the weather forecast in a woman's life; she seizes to function normally upon his absence!
• The mobile has become our embodiment of the lover we crave; when its pulse vanishes, we fear and feel a silent assassination with a criminal intent!
• When in love, a woman wears, oh so naively, the waiting sweater and refuses to take it off! She also forbids any other man to unbutton that sweater!
• How can it be love if it has the power to pull you with its floods when it comes yet is also able to kill you from thirstiness when it goes away?
• Some men are like reptiles: they have the ability and the will to shed their past like dead skin, effortlessly, and easily replace it with another, never looking back!
  
• When suffering from a painfully absent love, you are living a delayed life, as if living someone else's life; you stop being the owner! You willfully choose to give up living the present rather than choosing to give up a possibility of a dream!

To the writer who inspired these words: Thank you, for I have lost my own words along the pain!

Running Out of Words & Time...

With echoes of the words, from the book I'm currently reading, bouncing off the walls of my tired mind, I search for my own words... And in the midst of the storms that smash and destroy my peace, there is a silence of words, for they have taken refuge in hiding somewhere that I can't seem to find!

The last time I wrote, I could clearly pin point every word that I wanted to say, I could see it, feel it, smell it, taste it, and even touch it, right before I poured it out, with a fragment of my aching soul, into a piece of writing, that was able to help me find serenity again...

Yet now, I feel the choke of the words within my thoughts... Scrambled thoughts anyone? I'm sure they would make a hell of a Mediterranean dish; one which many men out there are sure to enjoy!

I have tried, believe me, to place my finger upon the bleeding wounds of my heart, to cut off the bleeding... The wounds were too many and I only have ten fingers!

I have also tried to pull out this pain, by its deepest roots, from my life... The roots were so deeply entrenched within my life creating a risk of pulling out my life along with it!

I tried to fight, to be calm, to shout, to rationalize, to cry, to rebel, to be everything I can be and do anything I can do... The problem still remains with no cure: like HIV, weakening my immune system to the point of helpless surrender!

Then, there is this sickening feeling of craving a touch on the face, an embrace for the longing body, a whisper of sweet word of love... But they never come, and the stomach grumbles from hunger, while the body aches from abandonment and the ears bleed from the silence!

My words... I see them now and after them I run... Their endurance beats mine... I'm broken and I ache... They disappear again...

When life shrinks down to work, pain, longing and unfulfilled needs, it becomes death, a living one with a beating heart refusing to just stop!

I want this pain to end, for I no longer can live this death inside of me!

His True Colors...

Feeling absolute nothingness, she set her mind to write yet another piece dedicated to her silently bleeding heart...

"I owe my heart at least this much, " she thought...

With steady, slimming fingers she typed her thoughts away:

Like echos of a memory never lived, his name faintly murmurs in my head,
His words lost the power to touch my soul, they trigger the anger in me instead...

His true colors were that of a lizard; changing to suit the time and place,
Emotionless to the world outside himself, signed with "liar" across the face!

He tricked me into losing what was rightfully mine, swearing a better day would be,
He made me believe all this pain will eventually be the reason to set us both, together, free!

The chances lost, the time wasted, the tears shed, for a forever I took in and waited,
Yet little by little there were no more lies to tell me and the trust and love all faded!

When I think of him now, my stomach curls and my body sickens with disbelief,
How could he have been the one to steal my life, lie, falsify, cheat and deceive?

I gave him many chances; not one, neither two nor three, he chose to screw it all,
I tried to wait for him to hold my hand, he chose to kick me down to my fall!

It's time now to take it all back; the confidence and the love, give them to someone new,
I hope God will deprive him all the things he took from me, I hope he's placed in my shoe!

Now & Then: Realizations & Confessions...

You were a touch of a sun's ray upon my chest your warmth would lay,

You were a kiss from an angel's lips, a dance with a never ending sway...

You were an overwhelming scent of fresh green grass and acres of meadows,
You were the building that stood there tall, blinding me from all the shadows...

You were the smile in my eyes, the tenderness that soothed the sighs...
You were the path for a better day, the truth that wiped all the lies!

You were a night whisper in my ears; your words would lay my to sleep,
You were a tingling sensation, a bundle of happy moments that I tried to keep!

Yet, the way I see you now is different...

You are the choke that so delightfully sits in my throat, restricting my air!
You are the itch that I can't reach to scratch, the sting that I can't bear!

You are the spineless creature which lurks in the darkness to bring more pain,
You are the self absorbed witless boy who beats me down again and again!

You are confused with illusions of lust and material; you can't see through,
You care for nothing but your sick desires, you have eyes for only you!

You are a worthless excuse for a man, though the needed organs are there,
You are a loaded bag of excuses, using the right one to act as if you care!

You did me wrong...

You had no right to fuss and to fight, to give me hope that we might,
You had no clue of what I could do when my anger wills to smite!

You thought I was helpless, the chains of your love would hold me back,
You lost control along the way but I took the steering and I'm back on track!

You hide behind the phone lines, you hide because your cowardliness is deep!
You blame others for your idleness, you have no soul able to feel or weep!

You pitiful little thing; soaked in hollowness; as nutless as could ever be!
Shame on you for fooling me once, but for the other times: SHAME ON ME!

P.S: I hate you...

Wrong Breeds More Wrong...

From the very beginning, it was all wrong; everything we did,

You were never pure and I was never cured;
Your present was blemished and my past was still aching...

From the very moment I laid my eyes on you, I was broken,
You never wished to heal me,
You never tried to change; your heart refused to awaken...

From the very first kiss, my heart was another number,
Just like all the others you kept,
On your shelves and in your drawers; you lead me to my own hating!

Slowly yet skillfully, you pealed off my confidence,
Then it was time to slice up my pride,
Using your "morphinic" lies to mascaraed my pain; into and out of fainting...

A trophy was my love to you; something all wanted but only you could get...
Your ego grew, my happiness quivered, you knew you won the bet...

A coward hiding behind closed doors, in basements and farms, like a predator waiting for the next gull!
With your fake promises piercing through my ears and penetrating my shedding skull!

Oh yes you deserve it: an award for mutilating the purest of hearts,
Karma will come back to take care of you; your ends and your starts!

The WaterLine...

I just sit there and let my thoughts rise above my hate for your injustice,

Blessed are those who, like you, are damned with the the sin of carelessness...

It's a losing battle, a lame cause, those empty hollow moments we steal and share,
Cause at the end of the day, the waterline is rising, and all we do is just stand there!

The water reaches our ankles as the chills climb up our spineless spines,
I can still hear the tears bounce off the surface, I can hear the shouts and whines!

Your real need for detachment used to fit my aching need for attachment, and I stayed,
The strings of my soul you pushed and pulled, with my heart you flipped and played!

The water reaches our hips, it's getting cold while you stand there, no embrace to warm my trembles,
I fumble with the memories of how you sullied me and drove me to a pain which nothing resembles!

Your love was a lie, a hiccup in the calendar of your days, and you chose to mess me up,
You held my head tilted to the back, opened my mouth and poured in poison from your cup!

The water is touching our necks now, I know that I'll drown first, it's simple: I'm shorter,
You hold me close, threatening eyes warning me not to swim away, a grin like a mortar!

Into my nose the water creeps and I lose awareness; I can't feel my feet,
Our story ends, right there, as we drift with the waterline down the street!

A Note to My Readers...

Allow me to begin this post by saying: "I regret that pain has taught me nothing..." and I mean it.

But that's besides the point now.

When I look at the previous events of my life, I can't help but wonder: What have all the people around me been doing to make this better? The answer is: they have been judging me!

When I first started this blog, back in May 2006, my purpose was to express feelings, (anger, pain, sorrow, happiness) and share stories in a way that would help cure me and help me get over whatever negative emotions I went through.

Day by day, this blog became a persecution site! Whether you knew me or not, you found this blog as a way to read my sins, study my pain, and sue me for them!

I think it is my right to take it back now. So again, here is what I will say, and I hope you really hear me out this time:

My blog is my best friend, you have no right to take it away from me!

Therefore, taking into consideration the aforementioned elements, you either choose to read what I write to better understand me and maybe even shield yourself from going through my pain, read it to waste time or enjoy the use of words, or just, please, don't read it at all if just for persecution purposes!

YOU don't know me.
YOU don't know why I write or whom I write about.
YOU don't have the right to take this away from me.

Thank you.

The Nutless Men of Ammville! Scene 1

Nutless at the Movie Theater!

The nachos flew in the air, falling, like snow flakes, on the ground...

Phasing into a crowded area...

People walking around, chatting here and there, some purchasing popcorn before the movie begins, others sneaking a cigarette in the corner, while the employees secretively pray for the shows to start and the people to leave them in peace!

As we zoom into the corridor, we can hear a man screaming: His words are still mumbled; it's too hard to figure out what he might be shouting about!

A few steps closer and the voice becomes clearer...

Enter: A man, dressed in white, while his angry face shaded in a blend of burning red hues...

His words can be heard now and he is running towards the exist door, trying to find some employee to directly shout at!

Enter: Employee, wondering what possibly could have bothered this man!

Confrontation: the man in white sees the employee, runs up to him and throws the nachos plate in his hand, and as each nacho falls to the ground, like a snowflake, the man screams:

"I sat on a plate of nachos! It's your fault! I want 100 JDs as reimbursement! I want it now"

And as he walks past the employee, searching for someone else to pounce on, like a hungry cat, you can see his guacamole and cheese stained white dress, right below his back, creating funny shadows of greenish yellow!

Giggles in the background...

Apparently, the nutless man was in such a hurry to take his seat that his eyes missed an entire plate of nachos, which could have just been placed there by a fellow nutless movie lover!

A still shot of the man's behind...

Phasing out...

The Nutless Men of Ammville!

The story goes that...

Once a upon a time, in a place called Ammville lived a community of nutless men along with their families: women and children.

The nutless men lived in harmony, never feeling that anything was wrong with them; never noticing they were missing their nuts!

Although some might have been smart and well educated, it seemed that whether you hurt their pride or simply bossed them around, they had no way of knowing how to react and what to say: they lacked the right nut-related hormones to do so!

The men of Ammville had nothing to lose; they had already lost their most valuable belonging in their childhood days, or maybe even before they were born! They feared nothing and they had absolutely no trouble with lying, manipulating and deceiving or even being lied to, manipulated or deceived!

Living really closely to those men, and having had several encounters with them, created this curiosity in me to examine them on a deeper level. So I watched them, wrote down their every move, documented my every encounter with them.

From there, I decided to write down my experience with the nutless men of Ammville in the form of short sarcastic scenes for your enjoyment...

Stay tuned for the first scene!

The Burden of Thought...

"Success is the child of audacity.” Benjamin Disraeli

I tend to disagree, however...

Sometimes, at a certain point in your life, you realize that all that you have ever believed in, all your principles, your own made rules and even your upbringing is simply useless; it does not go hand in hand with where you are living and the people you have to deal with!

You find out that being good and doing good results in people's mockery! You discover that when you give everything, you usually get nothing in return. If you respect someone, they will end up disrespecting you! If you love someone, probably they will end up hurting you!

It is quite a sick equation that goes a little bit like this: the purer you are, the funnier of a joke people perceive you to be! The more you allow people to manipulate you, thinking that they will be ashamed and stop, the more they will! You give them an inch, they take a mile and then some!

But what do you do then?

Do you decide to just "be like others"? Do you change yourself in order to suit their needs? Or do you hold on to what you believe in and just take their words, foolishness and evil and let it scar you while trying to throw it behind your back?

I wonder!

I Wore His Word...

I wore his thoughtless word around my neck like a tight necklace,
I wore it like a decayed pair of earrings with smelly rot on the surface...

I carried it deep inside my body, right in the middle of my stomach,
I added it to the library of "never to be forgotten" pain and ache!

I wallowed in anger for what he said was utterly careless, I bet he feels nothing!
I wallowed in frustration for the way I reacted, I showed him the hurt in his sting!

I dragged myself back to the place it happened, I literally pulled myself out of bed!
I dragged myself hoping that his word will just vanish and get the hell out of my head!