I realize that, for the past few days, my readers have been looking for some positivism in my writings. They have been constantly questioning the reason for this continuous river of sadness that seems to never stop running and which they seem not to understand.
As I have always been very honest in my words and feelings, which has gotten me into a lot of trouble if I may add, allow me, to explain to you, as a human, not just a writer, the reasons for this surrender that I am revealing in each line I’ve written lately…
See I have always looked for positive thoughts to light my way in the darkness of the days and nights that comes from deep hidden places and people around me… I have always been successful to find it the in the midst of the shadows yet as I stand here, loaded with agony, I see no more light, I find myself fully submerged in darkness…
Things around me seem to have lost their meaning, their taste and their smell… My senses are not able to perform their job! I feel nothingness; I sense no more!
It so happens that the conspiracy of “unfortunate events” finally did get the best of me!
What can one do when faced with such a universal plot to destroy the basis of one’s self: his/her faith in love, happiness and safety?
I know you still didn’t understand… Allow me to elaborate:
For the past few days, week to be precise, nothing has been going as I would want it to. I mean granted: we don’t always get what we want, but come on, I am not getting anything I want! Please don’t get me wrong, I do not expect things to just happen as I sit there restless. I do work hard for what I want, I always have. Nothing has ever come easy to me, nothing! I don’t mind at all, I mean when I work so hard for something and I finally get it, it means way more, I appreciate it more and I struggle to maintain it even more, and I do realize that.
Yet now, working so hard for what I want/need, is just not cutting it!
Now, I’m caught up in my love for 2 cities, which won’t love me back: Beirut, since it is too busy with the political disputes and the people fighting over it, it forgot about me… Amman, just won’t embrace me the way I am and is asking for so much more than I can sacrifice for it to accept me as one of its own…
I’m also caught up in my feelings for a parent who seems to have forgotten he had a daughter. He was never able to be there for me and now, when I need him the most, he packs up and walks out the door…And a brother who takes me as a part time sister and a mother who is never satisfied with me as a whole, and who always expects more and more!
As for the man who was keeping me sane through all the madness, I guess I was too much for him to handle… Since I am not the kind of girl who life usually smiles at, he decided not to be a part of my struggle and just disappeared into the clouds of winter with no sign of reconsidering rains!
I want you all to understand something: I am not in pain because of what I mentioned above. No, people come and go, bad things happen to good people, and I know all that talk so please don’t write me comments trying to cheer me up with those words.
I am in pain because I have worked so hard to gain the love and trust of all those mentioned above. I did all that I could, and even more then out of the blue, something or someone so insignificant and worthless, comes along and just takes all the hard work I have put and just dumps it in some old smelly garbage can at the side of the road!
Furthermore, to make it even worse, those I love, those who know how much I have given, how much more I can give, they just surrender, they give up on me, just like that…
So now, you tell me, what more could I have done? And seriously, did I deserve all this?
I rest my case…
As I have always been very honest in my words and feelings, which has gotten me into a lot of trouble if I may add, allow me, to explain to you, as a human, not just a writer, the reasons for this surrender that I am revealing in each line I’ve written lately…
See I have always looked for positive thoughts to light my way in the darkness of the days and nights that comes from deep hidden places and people around me… I have always been successful to find it the in the midst of the shadows yet as I stand here, loaded with agony, I see no more light, I find myself fully submerged in darkness…
Things around me seem to have lost their meaning, their taste and their smell… My senses are not able to perform their job! I feel nothingness; I sense no more!
It so happens that the conspiracy of “unfortunate events” finally did get the best of me!
What can one do when faced with such a universal plot to destroy the basis of one’s self: his/her faith in love, happiness and safety?
I know you still didn’t understand… Allow me to elaborate:
For the past few days, week to be precise, nothing has been going as I would want it to. I mean granted: we don’t always get what we want, but come on, I am not getting anything I want! Please don’t get me wrong, I do not expect things to just happen as I sit there restless. I do work hard for what I want, I always have. Nothing has ever come easy to me, nothing! I don’t mind at all, I mean when I work so hard for something and I finally get it, it means way more, I appreciate it more and I struggle to maintain it even more, and I do realize that.
Yet now, working so hard for what I want/need, is just not cutting it!
Now, I’m caught up in my love for 2 cities, which won’t love me back: Beirut, since it is too busy with the political disputes and the people fighting over it, it forgot about me… Amman, just won’t embrace me the way I am and is asking for so much more than I can sacrifice for it to accept me as one of its own…
I’m also caught up in my feelings for a parent who seems to have forgotten he had a daughter. He was never able to be there for me and now, when I need him the most, he packs up and walks out the door…And a brother who takes me as a part time sister and a mother who is never satisfied with me as a whole, and who always expects more and more!
As for the man who was keeping me sane through all the madness, I guess I was too much for him to handle… Since I am not the kind of girl who life usually smiles at, he decided not to be a part of my struggle and just disappeared into the clouds of winter with no sign of reconsidering rains!
I want you all to understand something: I am not in pain because of what I mentioned above. No, people come and go, bad things happen to good people, and I know all that talk so please don’t write me comments trying to cheer me up with those words.
I am in pain because I have worked so hard to gain the love and trust of all those mentioned above. I did all that I could, and even more then out of the blue, something or someone so insignificant and worthless, comes along and just takes all the hard work I have put and just dumps it in some old smelly garbage can at the side of the road!
Furthermore, to make it even worse, those I love, those who know how much I have given, how much more I can give, they just surrender, they give up on me, just like that…
So now, you tell me, what more could I have done? And seriously, did I deserve all this?
I rest my case…
4 comments:
ok.. this is getting serious i guess!!
listen, i know what u r going through, not because i've been there myself, no because i've known u for 11 years now!! and i know how u think and how u feel in these bad times... what i want to tell u here, is u have to thank that worthless someone on what he said and done!! cuz he gave u a glance at the road ahead of u!! and he helped u make the right decision!! look at it from the bright side!! cuz in one way or another, it will come up... thank God and that someone for bringing this up before it's too late!!
as for ur mom and bro, i guess they love u more than u think!! i know that!! but i guess u need to get used to being around them more than before!! u've been moving from one city to another... from one project to another... u didn't have much time for them!! i know it's not in ur hands, but they need that time just as much as u need it!!
to be continued...
i share alot of what you are saying, it is like ur writing about me..no one can make u feel better but yourself, and no advice from anybody is good enough, people may tell you cheer, or be happy, or forget or life goes on, but this silly stuff never work.The best advices i take are from myself, because i only know really whats going, i am the person who is really feeling all this shit and know every single detail around me.I always have this negative approach for life i c it dark but i always hope for the best and act in a positive way, but i know deep inside i cant trust nobody even the close ones, because at some point i will be deceived...everybody wants their own benefits even me, everybody is selfish even me,i hear lots of people saying well everybody is selfish or everybody is tricky but then i come to think if everybody says they are angels and others are the devil then where is the devil?everybody knows how to drive but others dont? where is the bad guy?i had enough
from where u can get ur strength? well, usually close friends would do the job!! talk, listen, take things out of ur system... give them a chance to make a change and to do their job as bestfriends and close friends to u!! it's not a one man's show here, everybody needs somebody... believe in that and believe in what people can do, and i guess u can see some light, and smiles will find it's way back to ur lovely face!!
ya3tiki el 3afyeh on all what u do... u do deserve the best... i know u work hard all the time... but u know life is unfair, not only on u!! so take it easy... and good luck!!
I can go on forever on how much i think everyone in the world can relate to your situation to some level. Bad things happen not only to good people but to everyone its just that the good people dont deserve them.
About your mother and brother. It is normal to feel that way. I hardly speak to my brother and they said after marriage u will miss him and u will be friends...hmm not really.. Anyway.. all mothers around the world want their daughters to be the best people in the world. And to them "best" is what is in their head, what THEY want and not at all what you want.
At the end you have to know she is doing her best the way she knows how.
My dad was always like that so is my mom. My dad had a stroke and well now i wish i can hear him even if its just to put me down.
About the guys that decided to leave u in the midst of your sorrow and depression. Well.. you dont need someone like that. And you only know a person in such situations.
You say nothing has gone your way and that you didnt get anything you want. Sometimes we want the wrong things and forget the many blessings we live in.
You have a mother.
You have a brother.
A guy who is not worth it left your life making place for the possibility for someone who truely deserves you and will take care of you.
You have many blessings. :)
Its my first time in your blog
very nice writings
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