I realize that, for the past few days, my readers have been looking for some positivism in my writings. They have been constantly questioning the reason for this continuous river of sadness that seems to never stop running and which they seem not to understand.
As I have always been very honest in my words and feelings, which has gotten me into a lot of trouble if I may add, allow me, to explain to you, as a human, not just a writer, the reasons for this surrender that I am revealing in each line I’ve written lately…
See I have always looked for positive thoughts to light my way in the darkness of the days and nights that comes from deep hidden places and people around me… I have always been successful to find it the in the midst of the shadows yet as I stand here, loaded with agony, I see no more light, I find myself fully submerged in darkness…
Things around me seem to have lost their meaning, their taste and their smell… My senses are not able to perform their job! I feel nothingness; I sense no more!
It so happens that the conspiracy of “unfortunate events” finally did get the best of me!
What can one do when faced with such a universal plot to destroy the basis of one’s self: his/her faith in love, happiness and safety?
I know you still didn’t understand… Allow me to elaborate:
For the past few days, week to be precise, nothing has been going as I would want it to. I mean granted: we don’t always get what we want, but come on, I am not getting anything I want! Please don’t get me wrong, I do not expect things to just happen as I sit there restless. I do work hard for what I want, I always have. Nothing has ever come easy to me, nothing! I don’t mind at all, I mean when I work so hard for something and I finally get it, it means way more, I appreciate it more and I struggle to maintain it even more, and I do realize that.
Yet now, working so hard for what I want/need, is just not cutting it!
Now, I’m caught up in my love for 2 cities, which won’t love me back: Beirut, since it is too busy with the political disputes and the people fighting over it, it forgot about me… Amman, just won’t embrace me the way I am and is asking for so much more than I can sacrifice for it to accept me as one of its own…
I’m also caught up in my feelings for a parent who seems to have forgotten he had a daughter. He was never able to be there for me and now, when I need him the most, he packs up and walks out the door…And a brother who takes me as a part time sister and a mother who is never satisfied with me as a whole, and who always expects more and more!
As for the man who was keeping me sane through all the madness, I guess I was too much for him to handle… Since I am not the kind of girl who life usually smiles at, he decided not to be a part of my struggle and just disappeared into the clouds of winter with no sign of reconsidering rains!
I want you all to understand something: I am not in pain because of what I mentioned above. No, people come and go, bad things happen to good people, and I know all that talk so please don’t write me comments trying to cheer me up with those words.
I am in pain because I have worked so hard to gain the love and trust of all those mentioned above. I did all that I could, and even more then out of the blue, something or someone so insignificant and worthless, comes along and just takes all the hard work I have put and just dumps it in some old smelly garbage can at the side of the road!
Furthermore, to make it even worse, those I love, those who know how much I have given, how much more I can give, they just surrender, they give up on me, just like that…
So now, you tell me, what more could I have done? And seriously, did I deserve all this?
I rest my case…
