To someone who claims to have reached maturity at almost all levels, it seems to be rather juvenile to view the world in a multi-layered color scheme or to imagine that, with all the possible variable available, things will eventually turn out to be for my best interest.Yet, I do!
Whether it be an insignificant action that causes a big problem and greater manifestations that ever expected with a family member or just simple unfulfilled expectations, which you promised yourself never to set, it feels as though we are constantly swimming upstream!
What I can't really grasp is the concept of "perfection", which seems to be the new trending topic of my days and what everyone is seeking to find in others while the truth of the matter remains to be: No one is perfect, no one can be perfect, and that is that!
Regardless of the efforts we invest in building ourselves to be strong, independent, well-rounded, caring intellectual givers, at the end of the day, when push comes to shove, we are who we are: Mortal fragile human beings made of flesh, blood, emotions, contradictions and in some cases, a whole lot of pain that we need time as well as support to digest!
Sometimes, I wish...
Clumsily, I do sometimes wish that in life, people would have been more cautious and aware of their behaviors, which ended up causing me indescribable pain and disappointments. I wish I was a clean white slate with no aching past to get over, no haunted present to live and no sealed future to fear...
But that can never be, and I am mature enough to realize that...
What worries me though, is the duration it will take me to be "me" once again and the slight chance that that could actually happen...
And then again, the questions that arise are:
Do I really want to be "me" again? Is "me" good enough? Is "me" able to overcome the many road pumps in my coming past and fix the damages done due to the past bumps I have passed?
Maybe, maybe not...
All I am certain of now is that I'm shattered in a million directions like shreds of a bullet which exploded and landed everywhere yet nowhere in specific...
I surrender now to my weakness, if only for a few minutes, and allow my tears to gently run over the paths of my tired face...
Beirut
2 comments:
"... no aching past to get over, no haunted present to live and no sealed future to fear."
I heard this once upon a time:
"The past is but a memory, the future, an expectation. Neither past nor future exists, there is only now."
hmmmm... u worry too much about ur future hey!! that i feel that sometimes u forget the now! it's nice to have plans for the future, but don't worry that much about it, coz what u doin now is what matters... the past has gone, no one can change that... only ur present behaviors can erase some of the painful past memories...
u don't know if u want to be "you" anymore!! that's not good! always be you! it's been a long time since u've been you! loooong loooong time! i know "you" and i know that "you" was good enough! cause simply, when u keep changin who u r, u'll forget what u were before! and that would confuse u and those who know u!
just be you.. and those who like it, will stay.. and those who don't will leave and m3 alf salameh!! right?!
cheers
ZNI
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