Beirut & Beirut!

It is crazy to think that life is as easy as we think it is or as we would like it to be. The older we get, the more aware we are of the hidden truth behind our journey in life; the journey of uncertain destinations…

As we grow older and gain more experience, we come to realize that life is an endless struggle, of course that is only for those who opt to get somewhere in life and further achieve things they can be proud of… Taking the decision to live life and wake up, every single day, to a new challenge, takes a lot of courage, faith and conviction in one’s self and one’s abilities… Furthermore, making that kind of commitment lays a lot of weight on one’s shoulders!

Think about it, if we decide to nuzzle our heads into our chests and shield ourselves from life’s downs, harshness and disappointments, we will also be shielding ourselves from living extreme moments of utter happiness and pure joy…

Today, as I roamed Beirut, the beautiful dear city Beirut which I proudly carry its name, a wave of deep sorrow flooded over my heart and I could feel the pain rush through my head and gently tickle my eyes into warm yet stingy tears… I am leaving here soon… I am leaving this air of hope and this promise of a different life and going back home… Home where my precious mother is, where many dear friends are, where I can sleep comfortably in my own bed and wake up to the melody of the construction builders’ voice and tools! ---- You might wonder: How is this relevant to the first few paragraphs? Allow me to explain…

Well, since the greatest dilemma of my life always was and forever will be: Beirut and Amman – my homes away from home, I have learned that just as life is about challenges, it is also about opportunities, those we take and those we choose to miss out on… And though the dusty winds of Beirut, its playful sea, and the simplicity of the life I can live here are things that fill me with deep serenity, Amman too has taught me how to love it and appreciate its beautiful dark chilly nights, its strange lingering familiarity and its untouched yet powerful coziness…

For me to be able to embrace the rush of warmth that passes me by when I’m away from either of those countries, I must be able to fully adjust and adapt to the idea that everything comes to an end, especially beautiful things… And in order for me to be stronger and be ready for my next fight, I should be able to clench to the memories of each happy moment spent here in order to survive whatever my life’s little box of surprises has hidden for me!

Is it easier said than done? Sure it is… Yet why settle for nothing when you can have too little or maybe even more? ☺

Regards,

Beirut

The House of Proverbs

Looking back at my childhood days, I seem to have blocked out most of the things that have happened with me - for one reason or another - yet what I can never forget is the fact that I was raised in what I’d like to call “the house of proverbs”!

Ever since I was little, not one day would pass without my mother or my father involuntarily teaching me a new proverb, which somehow managed to snuggle deep into my memory’s reservoir and is summoned into my conversations every once in while!

Out of the hundred proverbs I have memorized throughout the years, one still “haunts” my thoughts and actions up until this day: “Il asa ma byintasa” – the English translation for this proverb would be: The pain/hurt/sorrow that you experience can never be forgotten. I believe this is true!

Somewhere deep inside each of us, there is often a place for forgiveness but the margin of forgetfulness is highly related to the amount of pain we undergo in each situation. Sometimes, we are able to forgive and forget a wrongful act done against us very easily and in a matter of days or even hours, the whole situation disintegrates into fragments of words that become almost meaningless to us. On the other hand, in more severe situations, the pain we undergo as a result of someone’s ignorance, carelessness, self-absorption, insensitivity, lies and/or betrayals, this kind of pain is almost always hard to recover from and it does linger on in our minds as long as we live. This excruciating pain breeds on our every breath, feeds on our every sorrows and multiplies at moments of utter loneliness!

I realize now that, at certain situations in my life, I have been, unintentionally, the cause of this “pain” in other people’s lives and now that I know what this type of pain is capable of doing after experiencing it first hand, allow me to apologize to each and every person that has ever looked back and remembered me with a tear or even a curse word! Karma has lead me to fall in love with the biggest pain of my life, an ache that will not budge, and will stay in my mind, on and on, in order for me to remember and relive every single day of my life…

Regards,
Beirut

Love & the City - The Single Status

Wherever we go and whatever we do, we are constantly being bombarded by the fact that: everyone around us is getting hitched! Whether it is a passing relationship, an engagement or a marriage, almost everyone is out to search, both hopelessly and endlessly, for his or her “significant” other.

To make matters worse, there is way too much emphasis placed on couple related occasions such as Valentine’s, New Year’s Eve and others, which is all the more reason for singles to feel bad and “out of place”.

So the question is:

Do singles seek to find love because they want to or is it just not socially acceptable to be single anymore?

As we all know, love and companionships are need that we simply cannot deny or ignore. All human beings have basic needs and right after food, clothes and shelter comes the need for love and belonging. But we also know that this particular need could be easily fulfilled through close family relations and solid friendships. So what is it that makes the need for “that special someone” so urgent?

Through research and numerous conversations with friends and acquaintances, it has become evident to me that most singles out there seek a partner through one or more of the following reasons:

• Overcoming loneliness: The “L” word seems to be the new excuse for most failing and troublesome relationships! Many females and males voluntarily choose to be in a miserable relationship over being alone and content! Loneliness has become the millennium’s new threatening disease!

• Seeking recognition: Many people tend to feel that the most satisfactory recognition is that which stems from the love of a partner. Neglecting other people’s opinions and marginalizing all other compliments and/or critiques, many of us tend to feel “incomplete” unless praised and recognized only by our “significant” other!

• Avoiding embarrassments: How many times have we been placed in situations were being single felt “wrong”? Many I guess. I remember once having my fingers thoroughly checked by a friend’s mother to see whether I was engaged or married yet! Or how about the times you receive an invitation with a “plus one” and you end up going solo or taking a friend just not to feel out of place? Being in a relationship, especially a “serious” one does help you get along better with your surroundings and it helps you “fit in” somehow!

• Desiring the “drama” factor: Trust me when I say: many people have a secret desire for drama and pain in their rather dull and monotonous routine! They seek to be in a relationship for the spices the drama of a relationship can add to their daily lives! I have also encountered people who create drama when it is not necessary out of the need for change!

• Feeling “old”: Almost 10-15 years ago, the “normal” age for females to get married was between 18 to 21 and maybe even younger. Although times have changed and women are being more involved with their careers and work, there is always that tingling feeling inside many of them which makes them think that “they are getting too old and they need to find the one before it’s too late”!

• Craving stability: Though many marriages are tainted with infidelities and painted with lies, thousands of people still believe that marriage = stability! Therefore, many women are ready to settle for way less than their standards in order to be in what they want to believe is a “stable” relationship in which they would be loved, cherished and respected.

• Wanting children: We all know that having children requires a marriage, this is how it is usually done and it is the only acceptable way of conceiving a child in the Arab world. Therefore, and especially for men in their late thirties and women in their early twenties, marriage has turned into a necessity in order to “breed”! Seeking love in this situation is not even considered! It is a matter of utilizing both the female and male fertility before it is too late!

• Needing financial resources: Yes, it is true although it is very well denied by most women and men: A huge number of males and females alike seek to be in a relationship simply because they desire having someone to play the role of “a banking account”! Here, the desire to be with someone depends solely on the financial situation! The “need” to be driven around town in a fancy car or to be wined and dined in a fancy restaurant has become, for many, a crucial requirement for the “perfect” match!

• Longing for intimacy: Wanting someone to hold, cuddle and spoil you is a need that cannot be denied! The only acceptable way to have that is through being in a serious relationship!

• Escaping reality: Needing a vent or a shoulder to cry on when the world seems too rough to handle alone is a job that many tend to think is that of a partner. Although we may have many friends and a few close ones, the need to be comforted by a “special” someone is always there! Sometimes no amount of friends can fill in the place of having someone you love hold you and tell you: Everything is going to be alright.

• Seeking attention: Many men look to be with a partner, a pretty one in precise, in order to get the attention they lack from their peers and their society as well! Women also share that trait yet in a lower percentage!

So now, after listing all the possible scenarios for this subject at hand, the question remains: do singles really “need” to be in relationships? Or are they cordially forced into them due to the pressures of society and lack of money, self-esteem, confidence and appreciation?

Someone Once Said...

The things we regret the most, are the things that we don't do...


I wonder, is this true?

My Latest, Greatest Enemy!

Throughout my life, especially between the age 15 to 25, I used to take pride in myself for having the minimum number of enemies wherever I went and whatever I did. It used to give me comfort knowing that no matter how bad things used to get between anyone and me; I am able to maintain the minimum level of respect and friendliness possible.

Recently though, I have discovered that I am being targeted from one of the worst kind of enemies anyone could ever have: My Dreams!

It seems that after all this time, my dormant enemy has finally awaken from its slumber with one goal in mind: to haunt me and take twisted measures to remind me of my pain or play it to me, like a sad melody, every time I choose to close my eyes!

As fragile as this confession might make me seem, I admit: I am afraid from closing my eyes and falling asleep, for no matter how many hours I spend in this uncomfortable state of “unconsciousness”, my mind refuses to shut down and this conspiracy against my sanity declines to come to an end! Visions, images and sounds from the “once upon a time” happy days keep leaking into my sleep! I know that my dreams open the door for them! I also know that these vicious dreams fabricate beautiful memories that were never lived as well! They weave sincere smiles that were never made and honest words that were never said!

I’m tired, no actually I’m exhausted! If one can’t feel at peace while awake or while sleeping, how else can one rest? I need to rest!!!!

هم وأنت

متل ما هني فاتوا على أرضنا وهدموا بيوتنا وسلبوا عرضنا
أنت فتت على قلبي وهدمت روحي وسلبت عقلي
متل ما جربوا وتكتكوا وخططوا واتفقوا مع "الأصحاب" علينا
انت جربت وتكتكت وخططت واتققت مع الدنيا ومق قلبك القاسي علي
متل ما كذبوا وقالوا انو مصلحة العرب هي همن
كذبت وقلت انو همك مصلحتي
هني قتلوا كتير، انت قتلت قلب كبير
هني شردوا ملايين، أنا ما بعرف أنا مين
هني سرقوا كل شي وبيعرفوا انو مش حقن، وانت ضيعت سنين بالحزن عشتن
طيب كيف؟ كيف بتكرهن وبتحكي عنن؟ ما انت متلن؟ شو بتفرق عنن؟
أيا حسرة على اللي راح

A Thought...

This evening, and as I proudly ran into the clean shiny door of Vero Moda, and after the excruciating pain that bombarded me from the head and the knee and the funny looks I got from everyone who witnessed the accident, it hit me once again: Is a terrible life with him better than a calm happy one without him?

Yes, No, Maybe…


...I guess only time can tell...

Ba2ra & Dabdoub...(A Story about Men You Shoul Never Fall For!!)

The story goes that once upon a time, a 24 year old girl was "set up" with a 29 year old boy... They roamed the nights with love and endless passion. They talked of future plans and dreams which they will share one day soon.

(For the sake of ease, let's call the girl Ba2ra and the boy Dabdoub!)

The love story between Ba2ra and Dabdoub was just like any other story; it had its ups and downs. And through every down, Ba2ra was always there trying to hold the ship of their relation above water.

It is important to mention here that Ba2ra was very different from Dabdoub: She was too sensitive, too emotional and she was over trusting as well. She loved with all her heart and mind and gave all she had just to see the person she loved happy. Dabdoub's mere presence used to fill her with so much joy and peace. On the other hand, Dabdoub was emotionally-detached, very self centered, cold and very careful about trusting others, even her. He used to claim that he was a :logical" person who dealt with matters only using his "sound" judgments and never took his heart's desire into consideration.

4 months passed, and Dabdoub and Ba2ra were faced with the biggest conflict possible: Disapproval from Dabdoub's family because she was not as rich and traditional as they would have liked her to be. His opinion was to let things flow and to wait and see what happens. Just then, the ship began to drown and Ba2ra was faced with a heavy decision to make: Does she accept the unfairness and leave? Or embrace it and stay?

Knowing Ba2ra, she decided to stay! She was humiliated by Dabdoub's family and yet she held on.

Though the relationship between her and her loved one became almost obsolete and a BIG secret that only close people to Ba2ra knew about, Ba2ra still loved and cared for Dabdoub. She gave him all the love and attention she could give, waiting for nothing in return (maybe just a stolen few hours here and there to spend some time with him).

Days passed so slowly, Dabdoub's selfishness was beginning to overpower her. His cold words began to numb her skin and scar her heart. She cried on her birthday and on every other occasion that lovers seize to rejoice! She was lonely.. So lonely... Yet, she still stood by Dabdoub and tried, as much as she could, to be by his side, help him, make sure he knew she was proud of him and she will love him no matter what!

After many short-lived goodbyes, Dabdoub started taking Ba2ra for granted. He knew she could never leave and played with that fact to his interest.

As if sneaking around and all the secrecy were not enough, Dabdoub also tried to use his conniving methods to deceit Ba2ra into believing that he was honest with her though he had ulterior plans all along!

Ba2ra was a smart girl, she had a good sense of humor and she was pretty good looking. She knew she could choose to be with anyone else, and God knows how many better men came along, yet she didn't. She had faith in their love and in him.

One day, and after a long fight, Ba2ra decided to end things once and for all... She was tired of the fact that Play Station was more important than her... She was tired of being repeatedly asked to give Dabdoub "space" although they were not really in a relationship and they barely saw each other.

Later on, Ba2ra finds out about all the lies Dabdoub has been weaving behind her back.

****************************************

***Of course, like every story, there are things that remain untold due to their fragility or out of respect for the characters in that story.

Yet, the truth of the matter remains that every story told is told for a reason: it is an experience which can teach us something!

And what we can learn in this short story is the following:

"Men" You Should Never Fall For are:

- Those are not willing to fight for you, no matter who you are, what or where you have been.
- Men who are too self-involved and think too highly of themselves based on money or authority.
- Men who play with words in order to win you over.
- Men who will not appreciate your simplest gestures.
- Men who don't believe in occasions as a reason to buy gifts- not even a rose!
- Men who tell you: "I don't know how to lie". They are the biggest lairs you can ever meet.
- Men who say: "I am very loyal". If they really were they would prove it by actions not words.
- Men who prefer playing Play Station than spending quality time with you.
- Men who think ignore your calls for hours and then tell you simply that they "didn't see the phone."
- Men who are lazy: what takes ordinary people an hour to do would take them more than 4!
- Men who maintain contact with their ex's in the form of messages, calls or Facebook friends!
- Men who are ready to hang up the phone in your face, for whatever reason it may be.
- Men who are willing to let you cry for hours instead of comforting you.
- Men who tell you:"Go read a book or watch a movie" when you are HURTING!
- Men who are so attached to materialistic things.
- Dependent men who can not make solid decisions on their own.
- Men who will ask you to "delete their pictures from your PC" after a fight.
- Men who are ready to make up promises they know they can't keep just to have you give up the most important things in your life.
- Men who would disappear for hours or even days without a valid excuse.
- Men who do not place you anywhere close to their priority list.
- Men who lie about being "Busy" while they are spending their time telling jokes and "educating" others.
- Men who don't mind being harassed by their younger siblings about where they are and what they are doing.
- Men who keep gaining weight while watching you lose it due to their ignorance and carelessness!
- Men who don't know the simplest etiquette rules!
- Men who do not have any sense of belonging to their origins.
- Men who are charming enough to sweep you off your feet then after a few encounters they appear to you as who they really are.
- Men who allow others to offend you and never take a stand.
- Men who make you feel bad about who you are and where you are from.
- Men who are ready to string you along for years and never feel bad about it.
- Men who do not feel guilt or shame!
- Men who are ready to wait until he is wed to a girl which "fits into their parent's standards".
- Men who make taking you to buy some things (from your own money) sound like a huge deal!
- Men who are cold and emotionless. Those you can never change.
- Men who will send u their best wishes for a "joyful blessed life" after they have completely messed up any chances for that!
- Men who keep losing things!
- Men who do not have the decency to confront you with their plans.

And last but not least, men who think that your love for them is a weakness rather than a blessing.

Cheers to all real men who are not mentioned above!

My Dearest Pillow...

My best friend is a pillow,
I talk to him all night,
If I’m a weeping willow,
He’s my shinning knight!

My lover is a pillow,
I hold him close to me,
When I feel sad and gloomy,
I run to him to set me free!

My haven is my pillow,
He never ever complains,
He is always there when needed,
To shield me from the rains!

I befriended a pillow,
I know it sounds insane,
Yet in its silence I found peace,
Since it can’t utter words that cause pain!

Little Selma (3)

Little Selma ran to her mother’s room and stood there in silence trying hard to figure out why her mom was crying. She hid in the corner fearing that her mom would be upset if she sees her.

Selma put her head down in sadness for her mom’s tears. Her curly golden brown hair locks fell gently over her face and covered her pained features. A tear fell over her rosy blushed cheeks and unintentionally she made a sound, similar to a sigh. Selma’s mom turned around and saw little Selma. Slowly, she called her daughter over to come and sit by her side. “Come here little Selma.” She said, “What’s wrong?”

“I just felt that you are very sad and that made me cry. What is wrong? Where is grandma now? Is she coming over?” Selma said in a sad and muffled voice.

Selma’s mom inhaled deep long breaths while her tears ran down all the way to her neck and covered the collar of her black dress. “Grandma won’t be coming here anymore.” Selma’s mom replied, hoping for the questions to end here.

“Is she angry at me? Did I do anything to upset here?” Selma’s questions continued to flow.

“No honey, of course not. Grandma was very sick and she is resting now. She is going to a better place where she we will be healthy and happy again.” Selma’s mom replied.

“Can we visit her?” Selma asked anxiously.

“I’m afraid not. But I’ll tell you a little trick you can do: Every time you miss her, close your eyes and remember her and you will see her in front of you.” Selma’s mom said, trying so hard not to falter and stay strong.

Selma was confused. She hugged her mom and laid her head on her lap and fell in silence.


Later on that night, Selma could hear her mom in the next room, she could hear her crying.
Selma stayed in her bed, closed her eyes real tight and saw her grandma and spoke to her for a few minutes before she fell asleep.

“Good night Grandma. I love you…” Those were her last words…

Little Selma (2)

As they sat in the living room reading a book about fairies and their cute little wings, Selma looked out the window, stared wonderingly into the sky and turned back to her mom and asked: “Mom, why is the sky blue?”

Selma’s mom fell into silence for a while; she couldn’t remember what she’d learned in school about that subject and she couldn’t begin to imagine how her little girl’s mind wondered into that direction causing her to ask such a question!

“Hmmm… Well honey, the sky is blue during the day, gray when it’s cloudy and black at night. In the evening, it is a cool shade of pink, orange and red.” She wittingly replied.

“Can I touch it? I mean if I stand high enough, on the longest ladder ever made, can I touch it?” Selma asked again.

“No sweetie, you can’t. If you’re on an airplane that the closest you can get to the sky but you cannot touch it. Think about it, somethings around us are so beautiful, like stars, the moon and the sun, in order to keep them safe from harm, they are paced far away.” Selma’s mom replied.

“So they won’t get dirty like the sea?” Selma asked trying to make sense of what she had just heard.

“Yes. So they can stay clean and beautiful” Selma’s mom replied.

“Why do people make beautiful things dirty mom?” Selma asked again!

Selma’s mom feared the conversation heading into this direction. She didn’t want to explain the carelessness of human beings to Selma, she didn’t want her to know about their greed and their selfishness.

“Selma, some people are not careful enough when dealing with beautiful things. They don’t know how their actions affect the things around them. If you want this to change some day, you have to take care of everything you feel is beautiful.” Selma’s mom replied.

Selma ran to the next room, carried her little kitten and came back.

As she held her close to her heart she whispered, “I will always take care of you because you are beautiful to me”.

Yet another day passes with Selma and her steps through life.
The night falls and the sky is black again, glimmering with little stars scattered here and there.
Selma closes her eyes and falls into a peaceful sleep.

Good night Selma.

Little Selma (1)

“Why is that man sitting there on the side of the street mom?” The little girl, Selma, asks her mom. “Doesn’t he have a house to go to?”

Selma’s mother becomes uneasy… She searches hastily for a right answer and replies, “He doesn’t have a home sweetie. I think he does not have enough money to afford to live in one.”

Selma’s eyes frown and then she asks, “Why doesn’t his mommy or daddy let him live with them? They don’t like him?”

“Of course they do honey, they probably don’t have the money to support him either.” The worried mother replies.

“Can’t we invite him to live with us then? He can sleep in the guests’ room.” Selma innocently suggests.

Selma’s mother knew where all this would lead to: an hour of questions and answers resulting in Selma’s precious tears.

She looked at Selma, trying to figure out the right words to say.

Slowly, she held her closer, gently played with her hair as she explained the unfairness of life to her 5 years old girl:

“There are many things you won’t be able to fully understand now, some I still don’t understand till this day! There are many things you would like to change, many things you will feel are unfair but in time you’ll learn that this is life. You see, it’s not always the choices we make that place us in a certain place at a certain time, there are many other factors involved.

Remember that old man selling corn I told you about? The one who was out there moving his cart, late at night, in the chilly weather, trying to make a living? Do you think that was fair?”

The little girl nodded no.

“Well, this is just another example of things we can’t control. The only thing we can do is help those less fortunate in little things that will not hurt their pride and try to make the best out of every blessing we have.”

“Can we buy him lunch then?” Selma asked anxiously.

“Of course we can.” Selma’s mom replied.

And that night, as Selma’s mom laid in her cozy bed next to her husband after putting little Selma to bed, she remembered that look on her daughter’s face and wished that she will never turn numb to the harshness and unfairness of life. She prayed that she will never turn a blind eye to the truth and will always remember that people’s value is not based on power, authority or money rather on the pureness of the heart and mind.

The Cleaning Lady...

It was just another day, and she dressed to go to work,
Her long dark her she tied up in a bun…
As she stole a glance at her watch, she gave a little smirk,
She was late and she had to run!

Her name was “”, it was not her choice of names,
Since it rhymed with funny things!
People would use her name to play stupid games,
In her mind, she’d give them flings!

Today she had to clean that family’s household,
It was the place she liked more than others,
She spent hours talking to granny; she was so old!
And she played with the sister and her brothers!

As she mopped the floor with her witch-like broomstick,
She hummed songs of love and joy…
One of the kids pulled on her a little trick,
And she slipped and stumbled on a hidden toy!

She smiled and continued to work; dusting was next,
A drop of sweat falling down on to her forehead,
On that desk she came across a paper with a text,
Held it in her hand as she slowly rested on the side of the bed…

She read:
“My life is a delicate guitar, its strings are beauty and love,
Yet when I play I hear no sound!
I look into the skies, way up above,
And yet I see nothing around!”

Footsteps getting closer, she can hear them now,
She had to get up and dust!
She needed to find a way out somehow,
But she was caught up in the word’s lust!

“What are you doing?” She heard a scream!
“How dare you read my stuff”?
Her face turned red, she wished it was a dream,
“Get out now, enough is enough!”

She gathered her things and out the door she went,
With thoughts of what she had read floating in her mind,
Her pain she twisted and into a smile her lips she bent,
It is time to go back home and her fears to unwind…

Grains of Sand...

People are like delicate grains of sand...
You grab some and hold them in your hand...

Many you will lose, they'll slip along the way...
Many will creep between your fingers day by day...

The tighter you squeeze, the more they'll rebel,
When you finally realize, most of them already fell!

The one grain which you will keep...
Is the one willing to stay and not leap...

For as hard as you hold on for what's not yours,
You run the risk of losing it to any open doors!

I Think I Was Wrong...

He thought life would be merry,
Then he thought to himself: “I think I was wrong”!
He thought he needed not to worry,
So he sat down and wrote this song!

Now I think I was wrong…
She laid in my arms and I held her tight,
I touched her hands with my lips all night,
I thought I loved her, I thought it was right,
But I fled the scene when I had to fight!

Now I know I was wrong…
Looking in her eyes and falling in a captivating bliss,
The passion I felt from one tender kiss,
I never knew I would have to face this,
I never thought I would run away from this!

Now I’m sure I was wrong…
I held her now close to my hear yet I was being fake,
I felt the things I’ve shared with her were a mistake,
I held on because her heart was going to break,
When I asked for an ending disguised with a “break”!

Forgive me I was wrong…
I wanted this to go on,
The happiness you brought,
The serenity I sought,
I should, I ought,
Say sorry for I was wrong…

Rising to the Occasion!

It was night time… They both have missed each other for so long… At least she was certain she did!

Upon seeing each other, they moved closer, embraced each other, craving the warmth of this embrace, wanting more, desiring one another, breathing heavily…

Behind the half opened window and the silhouettes playfully moving to the cold night breeze, she gently sought his ear and whispered: "Love me…"

He didn't know what it was that she really wanted, but he felt it… And as the "man" that he was, he wanted to fulfill her need!

He took her hand, lead her into the room…

She hated that room… It was messy and cold… It made her feel alienated from the world and isolated from herself…

Yet, she loved that room… It was, after all, the place where they had shared the countless smiles, the deepest secrets and the dangerous adventures!

He pulled her hand, sat her on the bed, right next to him and looked in her eyes…

He played with her hair, just the way she taught him to… He touched her face, just the way she would have wanted…

In between the sheets, their bodies moved and swayed to the sounds of the silence…

Blackness… Silence…

He now sits on the edge of the bed, alone… He buries his head into his hand while she lays on the other side thoughtful yet trying to maintain a blank face…

Again, he could not rise up to the occasion… He could not "love her" like she needed… He could not "be with her" like she wanted…

His "impotence" in love was definite now and she knew what she had to do…

You see? Many scientific books and websites speak of male impotence when it comes to the male's inability to "satisfy both partners by not being able to maintain an erection"!

These references speak of impotence as being, strictly, a sexual problem. I beg to differ…

I think males, and some females as well, face a more "treacherous" problem when it comes to impotence: Impotence of the heart!

Failing to "erect" your feelings, bring them to life and / or moving them is also impotence!

In the above scene I created, I need to emphasize the following: "Love me" was in no way meant to be of sexual nature for love itself constitutes greater values and meanings…

At the end of the scene, when "he" realizes his impotence to really "love a woman", I strictly mean that he is unable to have his heart rise to the occasion of loving, giving, caring, understanding and so on…

On a different level, some men and women, equally, share a third type of impotence: that of the mind… Due to many factors such as upbringing, the society, the field of work, the education level, friends and others, even the mind is sometimes unable to make decisions or be productive even with the proper simulation and motivation!

He gets up from the bed, walks slowly to the door, takes a fast glance at her darkness shadowed body and leaves…

She is certain of what has to be done now…

She closes her eyes and enters her pool of dreams….

********The End*************

A Sarcastic Pitch!

If I made you sandwiches, would you love me plenty?
If I managed to always look younger; twenty-five or even twenty?
If I was a “good girl” would you treat me like a puppy?
Would you shower me with love and hugs; bring water to my cuppy?
If I make good coffee, if I make good tea,
Would you still choose someone else, or will it be me?
If I dressed more decently and made more female friends,
Would you promise me a happy life and better ends?

My Testimony... (Uncut, Uncensored)

I realize that, for the past few days, my readers have been looking for some positivism in my writings. They have been constantly questioning the reason for this continuous river of sadness that seems to never stop running and which they seem not to understand.

As I have always been very honest in my words and feelings, which has gotten me into a lot of trouble if I may add, allow me, to explain to you, as a human, not just a writer, the reasons for this surrender that I am revealing in each line I’ve written lately…

See I have always looked for positive thoughts to light my way in the darkness of the days and nights that comes from deep hidden places and people around me… I have always been successful to find it the in the midst of the shadows yet as I stand here, loaded with agony, I see no more light, I find myself fully submerged in darkness…

Things around me seem to have lost their meaning, their taste and their smell… My senses are not able to perform their job! I feel nothingness; I sense no more!

It so happens that the conspiracy of “unfortunate events” finally did get the best of me!
What can one do when faced with such a universal plot to destroy the basis of one’s self: his/her faith in love, happiness and safety?

I know you still didn’t understand… Allow me to elaborate:

For the past few days, week to be precise, nothing has been going as I would want it to. I mean granted: we don’t always get what we want, but come on, I am not getting anything I want! Please don’t get me wrong, I do not expect things to just happen as I sit there restless. I do work hard for what I want, I always have. Nothing has ever come easy to me, nothing! I don’t mind at all, I mean when I work so hard for something and I finally get it, it means way more, I appreciate it more and I struggle to maintain it even more, and I do realize that.

Yet now, working so hard for what I want/need, is just not cutting it!

Now, I’m caught up in my love for 2 cities, which won’t love me back: Beirut, since it is too busy with the political disputes and the people fighting over it, it forgot about me… Amman, just won’t embrace me the way I am and is asking for so much more than I can sacrifice for it to accept me as one of its own…

I’m also caught up in my feelings for a parent who seems to have forgotten he had a daughter. He was never able to be there for me and now, when I need him the most, he packs up and walks out the door…And a brother who takes me as a part time sister and a mother who is never satisfied with me as a whole, and who always expects more and more!

As for the man who was keeping me sane through all the madness, I guess I was too much for him to handle… Since I am not the kind of girl who life usually smiles at, he decided not to be a part of my struggle and just disappeared into the clouds of winter with no sign of reconsidering rains!

I want you all to understand something: I am not in pain because of what I mentioned above. No, people come and go, bad things happen to good people, and I know all that talk so please don’t write me comments trying to cheer me up with those words.

I am in pain because I have worked so hard to gain the love and trust of all those mentioned above. I did all that I could, and even more then out of the blue, something or someone so insignificant and worthless, comes along and just takes all the hard work I have put and just dumps it in some old smelly garbage can at the side of the road!

Furthermore, to make it even worse, those I love, those who know how much I have given, how much more I can give, they just surrender, they give up on me, just like that…

So now, you tell me, what more could I have done? And seriously, did I deserve all this?

I rest my case…

A Letter to Sleep...

Dear Sleep:

First of all, I would like to wish you happy holidays. I sure hope you are enjoying your vacation way more than I am so far!

I am writing you this letter to thank you and at the same time blame you for some intense emotions that I’m feeling at the moment. Please bear with me...

Allow me to begin by the negatives, which I utterly blame you for:

Where have you disappeared? I mean really, where did you go when I need you the most? Why have your visits become so scarce? Why do you choose to add to my pain by coming to me for a few, scattered hours at night while you go to others for 7,8,9,10 or even 11 or 12 hours? Why can’t you see how much I need you? Why are you being just as blind to my needs as anybody else? How come you don’t care?

Ok… Now that I’ve got this out of my system, kindly listen to me as I explain to you my appreciation for being the only bridge which mends the big gap his absence left in my life… I mean I see him in you… You are the only means for me to rest assured that he was a reality… I thank you for that…

Thank you for your time…

Please, please, visit me more often… I need you more than ever…

Love,

Beirut

If Only...

If only things could be as simple as the greens of a tree…
If only they thought a bit deeper about you and me…
If only they would let us out of those cages and just set us free…

If only I was a bit tougher maybe I could deal…
If only I was a bit less sensitive to barely feel…
If only I could stand still, not bend or kneel…

If only winter would be less chilly than it is…
If only we could always feel the pure summer bliss…
If only those people who leave we just never miss…

If only we can sleep as sound as babies do…
If only we could easily learn things we never knew…
If only smiles were many and disappointments were a few…

If only she could realize how her actions affect the life of others too…
If only the sky could always be so pure, so clear and so blue…
If only they can feel the pressure they constantly place on you…

If only stars always shine with the passion of reds…
If only we could sleep on cloudy cotton beds…
If only it was safe to use our hearts instead of our heads!