Anger... What Is It?

“Anger is only fear turned inwards…” Do you agree?

Personally, this sentence truly inspired me to think: What is anger? What provokes it? What makes it so powerful sometimes and so defeating at others? What are the things that cause us to feel anger and can they be avoided?

Driving along in the street going to a meeting, on your way to guy buy something or just heading out for a cruise, you get angry a million times at that driver who suddenly decides to switch lanes or this pedestrian who decides to cross the street without even taking a look to see if any cars are around or at that cab driver who suddenly stops to pick someone up… When I think of it now, why do we get that angry? Why might we shout or swear? Isn’t it the fear having of an accident; the fear for our lives and well being?

In a relationship, while you’re arguing about a certain issue or something that happened, you might also get angry… Why would you? I guess it’s the fear of losing that person that drives you and me to get angry and sometimes even lose our temper…

At home, sitting with your family, discussing family worries, sometimes you get angry and frustrated… Again, why? The fear that things at home might not go well or that one of your family members might cause uncalled harm to him/herself might be the main reason for that anger…

So now, once again I ask you all: Do you believe that anger is a result of fear?

Too Much Sleep... Not Much Rest!

After a 12 – hour "sleeping session" I decided to write a bit about the state of dormancy called sleep…

As the dictionary defines it, sleeping is a natural periodic state of rest for the mind and body, in which the eyes usually close and consciousness is completely or partially lost, so that there is a decrease in bodily movement and responsiveness to external stimuli. During sleep the brain in humans and other mammals undergoes a characteristic cycle of brain-wave activity that includes intervals of dreaming.

As I see it, especially recently, sleeping is an act that needs to be practiced on a daily (or if I may: nightly) basis in order to maintain the minimal level of physical and mental functionality. Sleep, for me, is but a mere need, one that is as essential as food and water not by choice, rather by default…

Referring to what the dictionary states: sleeping is a "periodic state of rest for the body and mind", let me tell you one thing: I don't agree! See lately, with all the troubles I've been facing and the whole lot of thinking I've been forced to practice, I do not feel that through the few or many hours of sleep I exercise that I'm getting any rest neither for my mind nor for my body!

It's not bad enough that every night I fall asleep on the couch and I wake up with this horrible back ache! To make things worse I wake up with a million red mosquito bites (though the vape thingy is on everywhere around the house!) Moreover, during this sleeping time my mind keeps shifting gears from one subject to another and even the dreams I have revolve around this problem or the other!

I guess that's it about sleep…

I would like to end this piece of writing with wishes for everyone of my readers to have a hearty good night sleep and hope that soon enough I will have that too!

Conspiracy Theory!

While surfing the net and reading the latest news around the world, it hit me: What is our world coming to???

The news head titles were something like this:

“10 Palestinians killed in Gaza.”
“Civilians killed in Afghanistan.”
“Women cleaners killed in Somalia blast.”
“No survivors in Cambodian air crash.”
“Fuel ration sparks Iranian protest.”
“Iraq suicide blasts kill dozens.”
“Six Unifil peacekeepers killed in Lebanon.”

I could feel a pattern in those titles and many more… A depressing and very demeaning pattern…
Fatalities, wars, fights over power and authority, struggles, famines and more miseries…
Then what???

When will the people wake up and see what’s going on around them? When will we find out that we are all playing one or more role under a conspiracy which is much larger than we realize! When will we see how gradually we are fighting each other rather than standing up and fighting our oppressors? What will happen if we stay blind to what’s going on around us?

Big changes need big efforts… This is a small effort from me… I hope it helps bring around a change, regardless of its volume or weight.

The Little Bundle of Joy!

Last night while visiting my friend who gave birth to a little baby girl, I felt the most miraculous feeling ever!

While sitting there, staring at this small vulnerable one week old child, I was overwhelmed with peace and inner serenity, ones I have never yet felt before…

Holding her little hands, playing with her tiny delicate fingers, watching her move her cute feet around was just too overpowering that I couldn’t help but tear from the joy I felt…

In her mom’s eyes, I could see all the love she carried for her… The kind of love no one could provide except a mother to her child… The pure, strong, unconditional and unselfish love… The way she held her, talked to her and played with her… I could feel all the worries in her world fade as she looked into her baby’s eyes…

The more I watched baby Tala, the more I felt warmth tiptoe into my soul…
As I carried her and brought her closer to me, a feeling of helplessness slowly came over me…

Last night I didn’t think of anything or worry about nothing, and for the first time in ages, I fell asleep as soon as I laid my head down on the pillow…

God bless you baby Tala and Em Tala as well!

Taking Things for Granted...

You never know the value of what you have until you lose it…

We have all heard this expression being used over and over again… Many of us tried and felt what it means while others just think of it as a passing phrase that has no real meaning or simply do not think its argument “hold water”!…

Lately, I’ve discovered the real meaning of this sentence… Just after having lost all those things I love and care about, whether by choice or by default…

Sitting alone in front of the TV, thinking of what to do and where to go, I realized how much I was missing now that my best friend was on vacation though I mostly was unreachable and unavailable during the time this person was around!

Struggling to fix things around the house and do things just the way mom would, I realized how much I needed her around and how hard it is to be her and be in charge of everything with no helping hand around and no one there to hear her out, including me… Now that she is not here, I miss her presence and I feel how much her absence creates a void in my every day – though I didn’t spend much time with her…

That applies to so many other things I rather not discuss right now…

Just a passing thought that I hope would ignite your thinking…

Utter Discontent & Great Gratitude...

It’s a dilemma… I realize that it is: The whole idea of pleasing and satisfying others…

I mean from the feedback on my posts alone I see how people can and will never be satisfied: If I’m sad and feeling down and I try to vent and explain the reasons behind that feeling, I’m attacked and my readers assume that I feel down all the time and I’m not strong enough to fight. On the other hand, when I feel happy or excited about a new anything in my life, I hear comments like: “It’s too soon”, “How could be so insensitive about the feelings of those around you?”… Etc…

My own “little dramas”, my personal miseries, the brief and the long ones, are mine to share or keep… The way I feel about them is my own problem, the way I express them is my own choice. The description of my blog clearly states the following: There is an undeniable truth of the existence of our souls, a true dilemma and a range of contradictions which I'm continuously attempting to uncover by "spilling my soul out" and reading the feedback from those who have the time and courtesy to hear me out and empathize... Therefore, in the beginning of this endless stream of thoughts, which you may call my “blog”, I specifically explained that this website is strictly a way of me venting and talking about and sharing my experiences, the good and bad ones, with those who CARE ENOUGH to read it and empathize.

I am in utter discontent regarding some of the comments I get attacking me personally! I mean no one forced any of you to enter my blog and read my posts! If and when you do, I expect some courtesy and if there is any criticism, which I’m sure there will be, I expect it to be constructive!

If this “virtual world” seems to be a haven for me, why would any of you choose to turn it into a battle field where I am forced to use my words as weapons to defend myself and my position?

Yet, there is always this deep and sincere gratitude I hold to those who never give up on me and on my writings, those who believe in me and appreciate what I share, even when they don’t agree with it or can’t relate to it… Whether they leave their comments here, send them as messages, tell them to me face to face or add them to my facebook, I do read them all, think about them and always try to make use of the advices they offer…

At the end, not every writer is loved by all the reading community and no writing style is always appreciated by everyone, I know that and I respect it therefore I just would like to ask those who do make a presence on my blogging stage to do so if they value its content not for any other reason!

Thank you…

More on Being Single...

What's wrong with being single? A whole lot of us (starting from me and ending with friends, family members and even acquaintances) go by what we see around us. Whether visiting a bookstore or a library, watching television, going to the movies, listening to friends and family, adopting the values of society, or reading the newspaper, messages about couple hood prevail. We rarely hear words spoken about being single, except as a condition to avoid like the plague. Yet, in the dawn of a new millennium, it's time to say what being single is really all about.

“Visit any bookstore and you'll find dozens of books about relationships; how to keep them together, how to grieve the loss of a loved one, how to find and keep the "perfect" mate, and the list goes on and on. Rarely will you find books on being single unless they relate to healing some aspect of yourself in preparation for a relationship.”

I can not deny that being in a loving relationship has its benefits; there is no doubt about it: Someone to talk to at any given moment, someone to rub your sore shoulders after a hard day's work, someone to do things with, someone to make you feel special, and someone to whisper "sweet nothings" in your ear.

There is nothing wrong about being in a relationship IF and WHEN both parties feel the same way towards one another and share the same commitment, values, and goals. A relationship can be terrific if both people are in touch with who they and their partners are and are okay with being alone. A dyad is great if both people share honestly with each other and are relatively healthy (for who of us is totally healthy 100% of the time?). Couple hood can be marvelous as long as there is mutual respect and some communication and conflict- management skills. Unfortunately, few relationships share all of these points leaving many people dissatisfied.

What about being single? Typically, society views it as being out of our control. If we're single, it's because someone left us or doesn't want us. Seldom seen as a choice, loneliness is more often seen as boring, depressing, sad, negative, and something to remain in for only a short period of time or to be altogether avoided if possible.

However, in reality, being single can be a life-saving, rejuvenating experience. In fact, one can't truly be successful in a relationship without being single for a time. Being single allows us to do what we want, when we want, and with whom we want without having to answer to anyone. Being single allows us to take full responsibility for out major as well as minor decisions in life. It allows us the time to sit in quiet solitude, to belch as loud as we want, and secretly watch shows that no one else would actually ever admit to watching. This is because we have more time on our hands and are not avoiding looking at ourselves by focusing our energies on someone else.

Essentially, being single gives each of us the chance to discover who we really are, what we do and don't like, how we deal with things, what we want out of life, what our expectations are, what our potentials and limitations are, what energizes and empowers us, and what discourages and disappoints us. It allows us to take the fault for the bad decisions we take and take full credit for the right decisions we make. The goal of being single should be to learn to fulfill ourselves, to meet our needs, and to develop as a human being regardless of whether or not we choose to enter into a relationship. By learning to love and care for ourselves, we diminish the risk of starving for someone else to fill the void within our souls; a void that only we can truly fill. The purpose of entering into a relationship should be to share oneself with another person as opposed to trying to get from someone what is lacking in ourselves. Expecting someone else to fill in the gaps usually results in grave disappointments , a sense of failure, and endless resentment.

The 20 Best Things About Being Single!

1. "You can have male friends without having to defend yourself and explain that nothing else is going on."

2. "You can finally see all the good videos -- the romantic, cheesy films.”

3. "You don't have to deal with anyone's grumpy, moody personalities."

4. "You can spend as much time as you want with your family and nobody's lip will drag the ground."

5. "You don't have anyone saying: you are not going to wear that, are you?"

6. "There is no one putting you on a tiny pedestal that you can fall off of at any moment, unless you are focusing on your balance all day long."

7. "You don't have to stroke the fragile male ego."

8. "No needless exposure to foulness, burping and so on."

9. "You are not accountable to anyone: you are free to do whatever you please. No need to explain where you are going and when you'll be back!"

10. "You can talk to your girlfriends for hours on the phone without getting dirty, exasperated looks."

11. "No more checking with someone to see if 'it's okay' to tell someone yes or no to an invitation. You can accept on the spot."

12. "You can be happy with who you are, not who he wants you to be."

13. "If you are depressed or mad at the world for a few minutes, you don't have to worry about having your 'outlook on life' analyzed."

14. "You can buy something for yourself (a new dress, CD, shoes, or whatever) without being asked, 'What do you need that for?' "

15. "You can eat garlic or onions without a second thought about breath mints."

16. "You don't have to give yourself lame excuses for not devoting time to yourself."

17. "No one is going to get insulted when you spend the day at the beach checking out the lifeguards!"

18. "You can spend your paycheck on what you want."

19. "You don't have to worry if he will or won't call."

20. "No more arguments about things you can't explain."

The Sum of All Tears…

It seems to me now that things will keep getting worse before they start getting any better. I look around me and I see absolutely no one! There is nothing I can do and I don’t think there is anything anyone can do for me!

Inspired by a relatively old movie, “The Sum of All Tears” is what I will call this piece of writing… In essence, it should describe my mental and emotional state at this point in time… In reality, I have no idea where the words will lead me, as with every click of the keyboard new thoughts of mayhem and chaos are born and I can’t help but spill them out on this lifeless word document facing me…

I carried my stride long enough to stand right here and wonder…
How this life keeps pushing me on the side and I can’t help but ponder…
The old days, the peace of soul and happiness that I once dreamt of…
How could they have all blown away, flown so high above?
I look at my reflection in every mirror and I can’t see me…
All I see is shadows of a person that was forced to flee…
This point of breaking down is the lowest I have reached…
And in the background I can hear the voices of those who to me preached…
The sum of all tears is the result of this last two weeks’ struggles and fights…
And in the end the only statement that remains true is that reality bites!!!
I breathe in now the thick air of loneliness and despair …
I shiver in pain for those I need yet I can not find there…
Something is being shattered; I can feel the ground beneath me shake…
My heart is quivering; wait a second, you will hear it crack and break!!!

My Sweet Surrender...

Obviously, from my pervious post, you could sense the defeat in the tone I was using to address you… Therefore, I decided to dedicated this piece of writing to all those who stood by and watched me fall with no concern, regrets or sorrow and those who could have been there by offering a listening ear and a helping hand yet chose to live their lives as if I was never a part of it…

I will call this piece of writing: My Sweet Surrender…

Yes, once more, I admit I was utterly and gravely wrong…
I thought I was able to hold on, I believed that I was strong…
That I could make it by fighting for what I believe and know…
That this time no one will stand and mock me by saying: I told you so!
Now I know that things are not always what they seem to be…
I realize that it is not a choice and I am not completely free…
So I raise my white flag high above my head and scream:
I don’t want to struggle any more; I don’t even want to live my dream!
My sweet surrender is what I dedicate to you all…
I just hope you enjoyed watching me tumble and fall!

Pain, Anger & Fear...

After a long disappearance from the writing/ blogging scene, I am sad to pronounce that I come back to you, once more, loaded with pain, fear and utter disappointment…

Though, I must admit, some days during my absence I did feel a certain amount of hope, content and peace with myself and the world around me, I so relentlessly smacked yet another time into the walls of my cruel and inhumane reality which plays the biggest role in shielding my long-term peace of mind and serenity…

As a human being, I am left with a strapping and undeniable fear of what the world might be coming in terms with. I am scared of other human beings, those that have no morals, those that have so much power or those who feel and fear nothing. I am terrified from the authority that is given to anyone who can not be a leader and I am worried of the strength given to those who have no inner strength to love and give…

As a girl, I am anxious about my life and my decisions… I am restless about things that I should be responsible for; about being a good daughter, sister, employee, wife or mother… I am nervous about what life has hidden for me in terms of what I need to do, as a girl, and how I need to do it….

As a friend, I am sad and angry at myself for knowing how my performance as a friend has deteriorated and that I am incapable of fixing that at the time being (just as incapable as I have been for the past 4 months!)

As a soul, I am lost for words, mixed for thoughts, pained for feelings, numb for shocks…

I feel empty… From the inside out…
I feel nothing… I can hear no sound….

The throbbing in my heart has come to a rest…
I can feel no heart beat inside my aching chest…

In denial I lay here and I pray…
For a sign that there might be a better day!

A Passing Thought...

Walking through life noticed yet overcome by despair…
She felt how people watched her; she sensed their eyes stare…
Along the path she took two steps and put herself to a halt…
She needed something to pin this on; she prayed it was her fault…
In the midst of the darkness, in the middle of her night…
She searched endlessly for a harbor, for peace, for light…
Way over the horizon so cleverly hid her unknown…
Things she may have feared, those life may not have yet shown…
On her red bed cover she laid and word by word she wrote…
Every little thing she felt, every tear, each scream, as a note…

Lately...

Lately, all I’m left with, or should I say “stuck with”, are my thoughts, many of them…
Countless thoughts invading my every waking moment… Knocking on the doors of my mind wherever I may be…
Thoughts that haunt me, hold me down, capture me and sometimes even suffocate me…
My world now seems to be stripped from all its colors; everything I see is in shades of grey and black…
I can sense nothing but emptiness; my senses are all numb…
I lost the sense of smell as well… No perfume, flower or sweet smell can stimulate in me a memory or a warm or cozy feeling…

Lately, everything just feels the same…
Nothing to look forward to; nothing new…
All those times I thought things were finally getting better are all gone, they same so distant now; they are fading away…

Lately, all the friends I have trusted and believed in chose to walk out the door into the finite road called life… I am here on my own now… Once again… One more time…

Flaws & All... (Lyrics)

Verse 1:
I'm a train wreck in the morning
I'm a b**** in the afternoon
Every now and then without warning
I can be really mean towards you
I'm a puzzle yes indeed
Ever-complex in every way
And all the pieces aren't even in the box
And yet, you see the picture clear as day

Chorus:
I don't know why you love me
And that's why I love you
You catch me when I fall
Accept me flaws and all
And that's why I love you

Verse 2:
I neglect you when I'm working
When I need attention
I tend to nag
I'm a host of imperfection
And you see past all that
I'm a peasant by some standards
But in your eyes I'm a queen
You see potential in all my flaws
And that's exactly what I need

Things We Fear The Most...

I understand that my recent absence from what many may call “the blogging scene” seems to be unnatural and is a sign of trouble… Well it is!

So, for my first piece of writing this month, I’m going to discuss the opposite of my most recent thoughts: something optimistic and relatively considered as positive thinking!

I was watching a movie a few days ago and this sentence caught my attention:

“The things we fear the most have already happened to us…”

It is kind of unnerving to live your life on the edge always planning, constantly expecting and continuously preparing yourself for fall downs and disappointments…

From that point, I think that it is true, things that we happen to fear and worry about the most are things we have already been through and since we are still here and still worrying about them and fearing them, it means we have survived them so maybe, after all, they are not that frightening! And if they do happen again, we now have the tools (the state of mind and emotional strength) to deal with them…

We, the masked and unmasked fragile entities called humans, always suffer this constant fear of being left alone, abandoned or left behind with or without a reason… But we have been, and we will be, over and over again… Not because we are not good enough, not because we don’t deserve to be loved rather due to the fact that this is the natural cycle of life!

Throughout my rather humble yet wholesome experience in life, I’ve seen and felt the meaning of being good and just never getting your way… I’ve met people who deserved the best that life could give yet settled for nothing and I’ve also met others whose world revolved around partying and having fun with no concern to others and who were completely and utterly satisfied!

The concepts of good vs. evil, sweet vs. mean and others has become obsolete!

Knowing this and believing in whatever it is we define ourselves as, I’m sure we can overcome anything, with a smile or with a tear!

The earth will not change its course due to my loss or yours! The only path which could be manipulated is the one we choose!