Feel Me, Read Me, See Me

Photo By: Beirut

Read me like a puzzle; with all of its missing pieces,
Like a children's book which you read to your nieces!

Dive into my complications...
Live my realizations...

Hear me like a lullaby; see how two could become one;
As if joined, share my joy & the sweat from an endless run...

Come into my revelations,
Ride the aspirations...

See me, as I am and not whom you expect me to be,
Like a ship at bay; still not ready to sail out to the sea...

Walk by my insanities,
Decipher my realities...

Feel me, like a winter's chill or a summer's fall,
Like an old lady's smile and a baby's first crawl!

I'm nothing but a girl finding me way through...
I'm nothing but a girl with many keys and no clue!

A Cradle for My Sleepless Soul...

In you, I have unearthed a cradle for my sleepless soul,
I've found you a temporary escape into my heart's parole!

With you, I float in an air of lightness and a hushed serenity,
I've found you a branch to hold onto a few steps from insanity!

Beside you, I feel as whole as a full moon on a summer's night,
I've found your beats a haven and in your rhythms I see the light!

As I hear you, I unfold, fold and unfold again, again and again,
I've found you to be my "happy pill", the lift and the crane!

As I live you, I am unplugged from the chaos inside my head,
I've found you to be the time when all thoughts to go to bed!

Sweet music: you are never the cause and always the cure,
The only true friend I have; always guiding me to the way to endure...

Words from Experience...

I wish I knew these things before... I would have done so many things differently...

• I have learned to cherish every moment I have with a good friend because life happens and all that is left are memories of great times that might never be repeated again!

• Good friends are like gray whales (almost extinct). So when you find them, make sure you let them know how much you value their friendship any chance you have.
  

• Don't complain that your phone doesn't stop ringing: it's only when the ringing stops that you will appreciate it!

• When you feel down and can't think of one person to talk to and share your troubles with, you need to start rethinking about who you can call a "friend".

• Stop thinking that you live on hope; it's a myth! You live on food and water (or earth if I'm being sarcastic)!
  

• No one is 100% bad; however, how bad is the bad part is what you have to consider!

• Living by the rules or breaking them is a choice you have to make on your own... Just like you alone will have to live with the consequences!

• Beauty doesn't get you anywhere good. Trust me, you don't want to be surrounded by people who only care about being with you as far as the bed (or sofa - whichever floats your boat)!

• Laughter is as important as tears... One lifts the spirits while the other frees it!

• Words are empty shells which can't kill you but can really bruise!

(To be continued)

Positivity with A Twist!

Image By: Eric Clapton

Many people define being positive by one's ability to see things in a "good" light regardless of how bad or ugly they are. They estimate a person's positivity by how much pain, disrespect, anger and stress he/she can take without losing that "special smile" - even if it was a fake one :)

However, the longer I think about positivity, and the deeper I try to understand it, I realize that many positive "thoughts" are mainly lies we feed ourselves in order to fill our hunger for real happiness and peace of mind.

Allow me to share a few examples with you:

• Good things happen to those who wait.

But how long can you wait? And what if they come after you don't need them anymore? Are they still considered good?

• You should see the glass half full.
  

What if the full half is full of crap? Poison? Or just some rotten juice? Isn't the glass better half empty then?

• Wherever you go, no matter what the weather, always bring your own sunshine.

What if it was scorching hot and a drought was in the horizon? You bring more sun? Or you just get some of your "gloomy" clouds to try to help?

• If you don't get everything you want, think of the things you don't get that you don't want.

I'd rather think about the things I don't want but still get!

• If you don't think every day is a good day, just try missing one.

I'm sure whoever wrote this never tried missing one so he really has no solid grounds for his assumption!

• Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.
  

At the same token, attitude could be a big thing that makes a little to no difference!

• Happiness is an attitude. We either make ourselves miserable, or happy and strong. The amount of work is the same.

2 things: You can be miserable and strong or happy and weak. Also, making ourselves happy and strong needs more work, that is if we can find a right definition for happy to begin with!

• We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.

.... and suffering from sever neck pains!

• Defeat is not bitter unless you swallow it.
  

What if you try to inject it? Or even sniff it?

• The only disability in life is a bad attitude.

However, some of the many successful people in life carry around a bad attitude and this is what got them where they are!

• My riches consist not in the extent of my possessions, but in the fewness of my wants.

Okay. But how about the needs? They are many, aren't they? Or those could be chopped up as well?

• There are no menial jobs, only menial attitudes.

Have you ever visited one of the sweatshops where the workers are beaten, harassed, abused and rarely paid? I have! Therefore, I totally disagree!

(To be continued)

More Power to the Donkeys!

The topic of animals and their rights has been circulating my head recently.

Since many people out there dare to compare humans to animals, and since this comparison has been made in front of me a few times lately, I would like to speak on behalf of the animals (not that I claim to be as smart as they are!).

How do we dare to claim we better than animals?

Let's take donkeys, yeah donkeys! They are smarter than us! At least, they learn from their experiences. How many human beings do?

How about dolphins? I bet you can teach them things you can never teach to a university student finishing his MBA!

Forget learning.. Let's move on:

When it comes to killing: Tell me which animal kills just for the hell of it - just for kicks? How many animals do you know killed other animals for money, power or revenge? I dare you to name just one!

Not enough? Okay, here's some more:

How many animals cunningly plan to destroy trees to make paper? How many animals try to kill nature to build fancy buildings? Or better yet, how many animals do you know drive luxurious cars which widen the whole in the ozone layer? (Yes, the ozone layer, remember it?)

Come on people!

Your cat comes and licks your face when you cry... She is able to show compassion. How many people do you know who are able to do the same?

Your dog protects you when he feels your in trouble... He is able to sense your fear. How many friends do you know who would feel that?

All I am asking here is for you to count to ten, just ten, before considering a comparison between human beings and animals, simply because it is unfair! Unfair I tell you!

Think about it... Or just ignore what I'm saying and prove my point! It's up to you!

Boredom Falls!

For some reason, my appetite for writing seems to be at its peak. And somehow, for the first time ever, I feel like writing about things other than the ordinary crap such as love, pain and all those endless topics which I could write about forever!

As I thought of which topic to choose for this particular post, the title "Darkness Falls" appeared in my head. For all you horror-movie-loving freaks, I am sure this name is familiar. For the others, I think you get the idea!

Since I feel that I am consumed with boredom lately, I think it's a good idea to talk about it especially that this type of boredom is terribly horrific; it should probably be made into a blockbuster horror movie!

Here it goes... And I kid you not!

I am bored!

Bored of boredom itself,
Bored like a forgotten book on a dusty shelf!

I am bored!

Wherever I go it is there,
Boredom seems like another particle in the air!

I am bored!

If I am eating, drinking or sleeping,
Whether I am laughing or weeping!

I am bored!

And I have dreams to follow, I promise it's true,
But this boredom is haunting me whatever I do!

I am bored!

Bored of people, chats, interactions and talks,
Bored of books, movies, going out and walks!

I am bored!

Though I'm not idle or lazy!
Damn this boredom, it's driving me crazy!

I am bored!

And I think that it sucks when boredom falls,
Oh how happily it bounces of the mind's walls!

The Mobile Phone Parody!

For as long as I can recall, dad and I never used to agree about... well, more or less anything! I can actually remember a time when I used to wonder: "Are we really related? Could it be that I had another father, a real one, who mom never told me about?"

Since those are issues that will never be resolved except after a DNA test., let's move on to the topic I would like to pick your brain on today: Mobile phones!

My dad never owned a mobile phone, until less than a year ago. He argued that when he wanted to be located "and harassed" he would be at a certain place - work or home - and people could reach him there. Otherwise, he preferred not to be bothered and felt he was better off without the constant interrogation of: "Where are you? What are you doing? When are you coming?"

That always used to astonish me! I mean really: It's amazing that you can be in touch with everyone all the time. Right?

Wrong!

The mobile phone has managed to transform itself from a tool for necessary communication into a tracking device then evolved - devolved, rather - to a blaming apparatus!

Forget about the global obsession with mobile brands, models, updates and software. Also, forget about the demonic possession accompanied with buying a Blackberry or an iPhone. I am just talking about the not-so-obvious problems that having any mobile phone impose!

Blame Me Not!

Well, I am one of the many victims of the mobile phone. I am sure after reading this post, you will see yourself in the same place as I am as well!

Have you ever dosed off in front of your TV and woke up to find 3 missed calls and 2 messages? You check to see who it is and you find out the following:

1. The 3 missed calls and the message are from the same person.
2. The first message went something like this: "Are you okay? I tried calling you, you didn't pick up when I called!"
3. The second message read as follows: "Are you upset from me? Did I do something to piss you off?"

By the time you are done analyzing the situation, you wish you never owned a phone or even worse, you wish you never woke up!

However, still that can be seen as cute!

How about this situation:

You are busy with whatever or you just want to be alone. You start getting calls and for some reason or another, you decide not to pick up! A few days later, you find out that x is bad mouthing you or when you meet him/her, you get the cold shoulder. When you ask why, you get this answer: "Why didn't you pick up when I called?"

And it doesn't end here...

You try to explain that you were busy, and that seems outrageous to many!

You try to explain that you need time alone, and the psychoanalysis begins!

Come on people; when did having a mobile phone automatically mean that it will be with you 24/7? And who said we have an obligation to picking up very call we get and reply to every message we receive?

I wonder: who changed the laws of social interaction and forgot to send me the draft?

Oh, I have to end this here because my phone is ringing... Don't want to piss someone off now, or do we? :)

An Illusion of a Home...

What is a home...

Without smiles that bounce off the walls?
Without pictures to liven up the silent halls?

What is a home...

Without an embrace after a day's rush?
Without hope and love in absolute lush?

What is a home...

Without a soul to hear my tears at night?
Without someone to stop this internal fight?

What is a home...

Nothing but stones, mud and nails,
A harbored ship which never sails!
A mystical cat with many furry tails!

An illusion of a home... Nothing more, nothing less...

I Long for You...

I long for you...

For the endless nights,
For the shallow fights,
For the dimmed lights...

I long for you...

Every morning when I open my eyes,
Every time I try to mute the sighs,
Often, when I am consumed with cries!

I long for you...

A free shore for my restless trip,
A warm embrace after a wet dip,
A cure from every poison's sip!

I long for you...

And I wonder: where you are,
How could you be so far,
& what do I do with this scar?

The Pain Chart!

For almost everything in life, there is a chart. Charts, simply pit, are graphical representations of information which allow us and others to understand the subject at hand more clearly through visuals.

Therefore, I wonder now, can matters of the heart be put into a chart and explained for dimwits who lack the ability to see and for ourselves to be able to see better?

Think about this:

A pain chart... Where would your pain rank?

Way at the top, or down under the last name,
How would the pain you feel rank today?
Add to that your loss of interest in the "game",
And people's desire to hurt and to play!

Although dwarfed by chaos and death,
Your pain remains alive and well,
You're out of fights and out of breath,
Degraded, jaded, invaded cell by cell!

Who can you compare to on the pain chart?
How can one measure matters of the heart?

"Damn the pain, and damn the chart!
Now that you and I are forever apart!"

Inspired by a fellow writer, and a friend...

Ejaculation!

Writing is another form of explosion;

It is a higher state of ejaculation;

It is a lighter meaning for hurling;

It is a form of exotic dancing;

It is self expression and soul searching;

It is the writer uncovered, naked and real... In a few moments of triumph, surrender and/or realization...

This is why I write... And this is why I will keep writing...

Particles of Dust...

In this big world, we should not think of ourselves as anything bigger than tiny particles of dust:

Our pains, our worries and fears, our wants and desires, and everything else we are, are all mediocre when compared to this endless universe with millions of inhabitants and components...

We, human beings, feel the need to be the center of our world. There are more than 8 billion people currently living and breathing and, most often than not, each of them thinks he or she is "it" and nothing else matters...

It's a shame...

Even monkeys make better creatures than human beings... So how do they say we evolved from monkeys? Look at the damages we have done for the sake of power, appearances and money.

Yet we still think we are superior.

Wake up people!

I Am Nothing.

And so are you.

After the Storm...

The silence after the storm is deafening: no hum, no sound,
All the pieces of everything have fallen dead on the ground!

The stench of the past still covers every inch of the place,
The wetness of the heart's rain occupies the empty space!

The touch of the wood on the walls no longer feels the same,
The suppleness of its texture vanished with the burning flame!

The taste of the air is salty, mixed with rubble and sand,
I look around yet I can't find your, once soothing, hand!

The storm is tricky; it comes along with no warning ahead,
Leaving you breathless with memories of words once said!

Searching for meaning has yet to haunt your stride,
However, from the mind's chaos, there is no chance to hide!

Swing Me More...

I've heard many expressions and words that were used to describe the life we are living: some call it a box of chewing gum, others call it a box of chocolates. Some condemn their lives by calling it a roller coaster while others call it a never ending stream of pain. However, one of the most interesting ways to describe life is by comparing it to a swing:

Can't find the ground with my feet,
It's hot here and I can't stand the heat,
Feels like I'm stuck forever on this seat,
I call for help but no one is out on the street!

The swing keeps swinging; day in and day out,
Your voice is muffled by the wind; don't try to shout,
Nothing is certain so you hold on to doubt,
The fear is so dry; it redefined the drought!

Next to me lies an empty seat and I long for you,
It's sad how I sit alone although it's meant for two,
I kick real hard and somehow I drop my shoe,
Nothing changes: I'm on the swing, the sky is blue!

Forever I try to maintain momentum and adjust the pace,
Yet every time I close my eyes I see your beautiful grace,
With every kick I try to catch the memories, with every chase;
And every time I almost do, I'm haunted by your lost face!

On the swing and I am bored of swinging up and down,
One day with a smile, many others with a sad frown,
I take off one black dress to put on another black gown,
I play by the rules yet end up feeling like a clown!

The ropes of the swing are getting old,
It's getting late and it's getting real cold,
I cuddle up, I fold then unfold,
Just like any story that has never been told!

Like Broken Glass...

I feel empty:

Like an old dried up well,
Like broken glass,
Like a dead snail's shell!

I feel empty:

And it just keeps getting bigger with time,
Like a never ending scene by a skilled mime,
Like a faint tune with no specific rhyme!

I feel empty:

And I honestly do understand:
No one cares to hold my hand,
And alone, here, I need to stand!

I feel empty:

But it doesn't really matter anymore,
There is no use trying to fight this war,
Take my white flag for I'm closing the door!

Beautiful Lie...

Outside My Plain Old Door!

Life so carelessly continues outside my plain, old, wooden door,

It seems like I have been locked up in here longer than time!
The voices of those on the other side haunt me; too loud to ignore,
And the memory train follows me with thoughts not so sublime!

I have been down this road before, yet every time the pain is in a unique form,
The way my heart aches change: worn, broken, battered and sometimes torn!
It's like a summer with an infinite scorching sun, a winter with an endless storm,
Just like an infant who was never really made, conceived, or was actually born!

Decisions need to be made but my head feels light; bordering insanity,
Losing control of the steering wheel; can't see ahead, can't see the sides!
Running away from nothing and everything; fighting for my humanity,
Dipping into the shallow ends of the sea yet unable to survive the tides!

If I was a red rose; I'd be brown and wilted with burdens by now,
Yet somehow I manage to seem as if everything is just alright!
I take the slaps to my face, I take the blows and survive them somehow,
I tremble and fall and get up again trying to make it to the light!

Yet the light gets dimmer, the battery seems to be running out,
The tunnel seems to be getting longer and the car is low on gas!
I have so much but I lack what I can never do without,
And you expect me to believe that: "This too shall pass"?

If the Heart...

If time is out of tune, then waiting will devour you,
If the sound is out of touch, then what can you do?

If the heart feels no love, then it is no longer a heart,
If you can see that the end is coming, then why even start?

If your eyes can't hold the tears, then eyelids are useless tools,
If you can't fight for what you want, the you are all fools!

If your lips can't taste their wine, then lips should be removed,
If souls can't feel joy, then the essence of life is utterly consumed!

If the pain is so painful, then the pain must end somehow,
If life is this lifeless, then I must get up and scream right now!

The Illusion of Happiness

Human beings are the masters of orchestrating illusions and believing them!

On an autumn's morning, I get up and breathe in,
Lying to myself that the breaths which follow will be pure...
I push a smile on a tired face with no roots from within,
Another pre-broken promise to my soul that this pain I can endure!

On an autumn's morning, I carry a book and read,
Lying to myself that the words I read will elevate my misery...
I push away a negative thought yet a 100 others breed,
Another desperate attempt to herd away the painful imagery!

On an autumn's morning, I try to make sense of it all,
Lying to myself that the sense might make sense to me...
I push away regret and it comes bouncing back like a ball,
Another fake hope that it could, maybe, hopefully, set me free!

On an autumn's morning, I finally realize my illusions:
Things will never change; accept them the way they are...
I push away the pretenses and the million confusions:
Hope is fake, attempts are desperate and happiness is far!

Tick Tock Goes the Clock!

"Tick, tock" goes the clock, round and round it goes,
It never quits, it never stops. Till when? Nobody knows!

"Thump, thump" my heart batters to a sound of unheard beats,
Noise is all around my thoughts in my room and on the streets!

"Woosh, woosh" the notes of memories creeping through my mind,
Pain flocks gently in my being, with no escape and no where to hide!

"Hahaha" I hear the laughs of those who know nothing yet assume,
Those who live on emotions which they manipulate, hurt and consume!

".............." silence; and I am here all alone, once again, so fully incomplete,
Down to the ground, down once again, can't distinguish my head from my feet!

The Ugly Truth (1)

And You Still Want to Have Kids?

Most women are born with a great instinct: the maternal instinct!

Although many of them work hard to find the "right" man and build the "family" they have always dreamed of, I think only a few of them really consider the facts and statistics about the dangers that these children whom they choose to bring into this world may actually face.

Here are a few examples:

• Almost five children die everyday as a result of child abuse! Childhelp.org
• The incidence of suicide attempts reaches a peak during the mid-adolescent years, and mortality from suicide, which increases steadily through the teens, is the third leading cause of death at that age. Surgeon General
• Every year, millions of children are left alone in or around vehicles. This danger is greatly underestimated, and within a few minutes, your child could be abducted or become trapped in the vehicle’s trunk. WSOC
• A recent study found that one in five children online is approached by a sexual predator, a predator who may try to set up a face-to-face meeting. MSNBC
• Each year over 200,000 children are treated in hospital emergency rooms for playground equipment related injuries. The California Injury Lawyer
• Parents are to be warned of the dangers of giving their young children drinks, sweets and cakes containing specified artificial additives, as a result of new findings being made public for the first time today which confirm their link with hyperactivity and disruptive behavior. Guardian

In addition to the less obvious dangers such as:

• Being abused by a relative or even the father.
• Being subjected to bullying at school.
• Witnessing his/her mother being mistreated or beaten.
• Getting lost.
• Being in a car accident.

And many many other situations like these...

Putting all those facts aside, since we human beings always think that bad things happen to others and not our own, I wonder: Why do people really want to have kids?

Here is what I have found out by asking some friends and random people:

• I want someone to carry my name (How about the rest of the package? The DNA? The bad experiences? The sickness genes? did you consider that?)
• I want to have a family of my own (Do you really know if this is what's going to happen when you have a baby? What if your husband walks out? What if you lose your job? Or even better, your mind?)
• I like kids; they are cute! (Come on, are you serious?)
• I want to have kids to make it up to myself (How selfish could you be? All you are going to do is make them suffer for the mistakes you made!)

All this and you still want to have kids?

But hey... I am not here to judge so knock yourself out... (or knock someone up for that matter!)

The Ugly Truth (Prelude)

"Call me as you may: pessimistic, depressed, desperate, confused, angry, crazy, and even suicidal for I have learned, the hard way, that no matter what I do and no matter what I say, someone, somewhere will have something negative to say about me." Beirut

For so many years, I have been holding back what I really feel and see; it all has been bottled up inside scratching the surface at first, then reaching to the core of me and simply dissolving it away.

But this will finally change cause I am finally ready: to expose the world as I see it and as it deserves, nothing more, nothing less.

However, I do ask you to consider the following:

I will be very blunt and my honesty will be brutal. Apart from my feelings, all the events, situations, conversations and encounters will be based on exact facts as they happened.

So, if you consider yourself "happy-go-lucky", if you are an optimist or if you see a silver lining to every cloud and a light at the end of every tunnel, please do not read the coming posts. Also, if you are suicidal, please know that the same applies to you!

Thank you...

Down the Memory Path

Photo By Terra Kate

Sometimes, memories of a time that seems so far away, almost unreal, come knocking at your door:

A time when your pain felt like a bleeding tumor... Or a time when you threatened to leave and begged to be free...

Those times when life seemed impossible and a smile seemed deceased and unthinkable!

Luckily though, we, human beings, are running against the tide of life, trying to make it through... Our daily struggles outweigh the painful memories of life and force us to move on and forget...

But at night, when we are all alone, without a breath by our side, a snore in our ear or even alcohol to numb our senses, the memories find a hole to seep through and tickle our imagination...

And somehow, for just a few minutes before we go to sleep, they take over us and seize our actual existence...

Whether good or bad... Cheers to the almighty memories!

6 Billion, I Only See 1

I was just listening to a song which basically says: "I know there are other women out there, I don't need you to remind me. Yet, I still want to be with her."

A few ideas crossed my mind and I would like to share them with you...

The common cliche that people use to "comfort" others after a relationship dies is: "There is a lot of fish in the sea; you can easily find someone new."

While logically that may be a sound deduction since it is a fact based on the real number of the world's population, sadly, it is still not always the case. Sometimes, and maybe even rarely, the other fish in the sea hold no real value; thus they don't really count!

Let's assume you like salmon. It is your favorite fish! Let's actually assume you don't eat any other kinds of fish. Then, logically, all the other kinds of fish are not of interest to you, therefore, you have just eliminated thousands of the fish in the sea!

Let's also assume that you like the salmon grilled, not fried, not raw, just grilled. Here, you also reduced your scope of preferred salmon in the places where you might go eat it!

But there is more!

Let's assume that you are picky with your food and you don't eat pasta for example. You have again narrowed down your options to certain ways in which you could eat your salmon: salads and platters.

Let's also assume you have enough information about different restaurants that serve salmon. Here, based on your budget, preferred atmosphere and location, you have eliminated tens of options that were available to you naturally.

What I am trying to say is as follows: It is really easy to meet new people, find things in common with them, have a good time and maybe even develop some kind of bond with them. However, there are so many others factors that decide if those new people help you "get over" that one person that you have once loved so dearly.

Factors such as perception, feelings, willingness and so on play a very important role to where we face our own selves and on how easily or not we are able to make a conscious decision to stop liking salmon and move on to chicken!

Hunger is not a good enough reason: How could you be picky about what goes into your stomach but not about what goes straight into your soul?

Although others might disagree!

Enjoy your favorite dish!

A Hesitant Smile...

As tough as it may have been, and may be still, a hesitant smile so gracefully lands on thirsty lips.

Just a smile, nothing more, nothing less.

A forgotten treat, a not-so-guilty pleasure, just a smile...

Her face wonders, the eyes squint, while the muscles struggle to adapt... What is going on? They demand to know!

An inner sigh of brief relief... Followed by a voice, shouting out to the world, her inner world, to come out and dance... Scaring the tears away... If just for a while...

Just a smile... Sometimes that is the only thing we truly miss yet we don't realize its absence until it visits once again...

Room 602

Words... Don't they ever end?
&
Silence... Doesn't it ever get bored?
&
Thoughts: Millions of them, hovering around my squeamish head...

An empty soul & a full head: A great recipe for suicide!

Yet...
It never ends. It seems like it never will...

This whore we call life" breathing, hurting, breaking, taking...

Then the night falls, and a new day follows but things are the same yet different...

A cycle, a step, a tear.
&
Loss: of self, of being, of identity, in a forest of absolute nothingness...

In My Head...

In my head:

Thoughts of what could have been run wild and loose, and I wonder: What could have been?

A life untouched by faces, untainted by more thoughts of what could have been?
A family protected by love, guided by words of assurance and smiles for a better day?
True friendships that last longer than a lifetime, unaffected by anger, loss and despair?
A love which withstands the bumps of time and the little plots of the ignorant minds?
A place to call home, a place to which I run to after a long day's mishaps and hardships?

And then you read the following quote:

The unwillingness to forgive stems from wanting the past to be different from what it was.

... and you think: Why? Why wasn't the past different when it should have been? And how? How can we forgive when all we needed for a happy ending was to try, a bit harder, firmer and more willingly?!

The Sin of Forgetting...

Like a slap to the face,
An escaped embrace,
A haunting disgrace,
I realized that I had forgotten the most precious day...

Like a soul without a life,
A husband with a cheating wife,
A pain from a cutting knife,
I wept a stream of regrets that has come out to play...

Like another story with a bad end,
A truth that is too shameful to bend,
A love letter written yet remains unsent,
I begged the ache to leave, get out and go away...

For there is no bigger sin than forgetting what has changed my life forever,
What has broken my heart and stitched it back together,
So forgive me, "please", my heart pleads as true as ever...

Do You Not See Your Selfishness?

"Do You Not See Your Selfishness"? he asked, as the physical pain ripped her guts apart...
How dare she wake him from his dear sleep just to plead for a temporary cure?
How could she bring herself to dial his number where there was a slight chance that he could be sleeping?

The audacity - What a bitch!

Generals, dinners, dogs, pools, bikes, new adventures, moments lost in time, and all the other crap. They are worth more.

How low could she go? Comparing herself to a dog?

Self righteous excuse for a human being - that is what she became!

It is interesting how small our world feels when we are in contempt of the "heart court" in question.

It is even more interesting how human lives become almost insignificant when facing those with no heart, common sense or even sympathy.

Escape? That is one solution. But what about the memories? Can they escape you as well? Or will they only follow you, like your ugly shadow, wherever you go.

How ugly is a human being with no dignity, even if it was unwillingly stripped away from under his feet throughout the course of 3 degrading years!

Forgiveness? Overrated.

Love? An obsolete concept.

Loyalty? Who cares!

When the wheels of misfortune turn, the results will be painful for all participators.

And then what? You hear the news that your precious dream might never come true and you cry and you try to find a shoulder to lean on. All the good shoulders are taken, broken or have no bones!

You cry some more. You still breath, move, and think. You are still alive on the outside. No hope for you on the inside because you yourself feel lifeless.

You dream of a better day. Which reminds me of a next topic: Dreams should be illegal! Illusions, fake hope and an optimistic highway. Just like booze and drugs.

How foolish we are to believe in dreams. And in change as well.

Change? Nothing changes. Nothing at all: except maybe your perception of things after you have been beaten down, broken sideways and pulled apart. Only after you have lost your vision of right and wrong, does change come in and pounce on you!

Reality? Well, reality is real and you are stuck with it! Better make the best out of it! Simply accept what you are and make it your goal to find out what kind of dish you are going to cook for your husband tonight, or just let go of it and live in your illusions. The former is advisable!

To be continued.

I Used to Call for Breast Equality!

"It's too hot, I can't breathe", she replied with a muffled whisper while holding her tears of frustration down to the grounds of her worn-out mind.

All the empty and loaded thoughts that circulated her sleep-deprived being were knocking hard on her memories' doors, waking them up from a deep sleep; just like a mystic monster awaking from his winter's hibernation.

This was like no other time for the simple reason that: For once, things were really supposed to be different! In a movie, this would have been the part where the happy music would begin to play in the background, where the cloud-shadowed sun would come through and the kids would run with laughter on their little blessed faces!

But it was not. Just because movies are not real. Simple as that.

If I were to begin to try and explain to you the attack of my disappointed mind, you would not understand. You would probably begin to give me a lecture about optimism, looking forward and suggest the glass theory to me. Some of you might even start so selfishly share your way of handling these kind of attacks - as if any of these really ever happened to you!

Which brings me to my next point: How do people convince themselves that they "know what you are going through"? It takes a lot of guts I tell you, and a little bit of ignorance as well, if I may say, to prescribe a cure for a pain that is unimaginable to those living with hollow hearts.

I missed writing, I really did. I missed it and feared going back to it at the same time. You see, for someone like me who uses words to vent, it is a scary thought that even after writing, I still feel bad and need further ventilation! There is also this fear of not getting it right: forgetting my trail of thoughts, diverting into a million topics (just like I'm doing now) or simply - again - not satisfying whoever stumbles upon this post!

Moving on...

Let's talk about emotions; you know those some are loaded with while others lack completely. You know what astonishes me? Emotions are like breasts: they come in different sizes, colors and shapes and their results vary from one person to another. I used to call for breast equality, now I believe I would be more than satisfied with emotional equality!

The end... for now.

Stray Thoughts...

I'd like to think of myself as a "good person", not by society standards since those have been flushed down the drain ages ago, rather by my own set of accumulated standards!

As a "good person", I expect bad things happening to me since I strongly believe that "bad things happen to good people". However, I don't claim to understand why this is the case, and I never think I would be able to!

Moving on...

In a world where female workers commit suicide from over working on manufacturing a product such as the iPad, and where others are butchered around the world on a daily basis just because they are women, I wonder: am I supposed to consider myself lucky?

Maybe, maybe not...

I think I will find out sooner or later!

On a different note, I've been seriously reconsidering my whole belief system regarding friendship, love and loyalty: have I been wrong about them all this time?

Does friendship truly exist? And if it does, has it changed its face into that of a creepy monster lurking in the shadows of the night?

Does love matter? Is it really worth all the sacrifices we make?

Is loyalty a two way lane or just an overrated concept that only applies to consumers in the product and service markets?

I wonder...

Reds, Blacks & Whites...

Reds, blacks and whites are the colors I see; no greens, no blues and no grays!

I open my eyes every morning and wait for my mind to quit the games it plays!

For a heart that never was cured is a burden and lips that are sealed are a pain,
And every time I move forward one step, I trip and fall to gracefully bite the grain!

However, and regardless, I keep my chin up and pull my cheeks to form a smile,
And wait, so impatiently, for something different to come along & make this life worthwhile!

I gave up on words, so long ago, words that others utter to my ears to hear,
I can't handle more disappointments from those who are close and dear!

I want to see colors again, like a rainbow, I want my soul to sing out loud,
I want the light to enter my heart, I want to somehow fit in the crowd!

Forgive Me, If You Can...

Image By: Beirut

Forgive me, if you can:

For the engendered pain oozing from my weary face,
And the dormant rage leaking from my sleepy eyes...
For the times I let you down and lose my subtle grace,
And the constant fear, hesitations and erupting sighs...

Forgive me, if you can:

And I really wish you would, sooner than later I guess,
I am growing into my skin, which barely fits me anymore!
For the longest time I have been in such a terrible mess,
That I can't help but fear a big fall after a love's soar!

Forgive me, if you can:

I can't seem to get over the bulk of sadness I so stupidly wore,
I can't seem to stop my mind from anticipating more pain!
I find myself wrapped up in the past's slime from head to core,
I really, truly, sincerely can't handle getting hurt once again!

A State of Utter Nothingness!

Words escape me as I try to untangle the knots of my spiderweb like thoughts...

With every day, new variables are added to the equation of my chaotic being...

With every step forward, a few others backwards...

I understand now: The implications of decisions, the real pain waiting unfolds, some of the reasons for doing "wrong" by yourself or by those around you...

And although I'd love to believe that the little girl inside of me is still shielded from my disappointments and anger, I can hardly convince myself that she still smiles... I sometimes even doubt if she is there anymore!

The itch that I can't scratch, the scars which I can't heal, the memories that live within the layers of my mind...

All remind me that I am human - which is good - but that this humanity makes me fragile...

"In order to be happy, one must detach from feelings and slowly release him/her self from the chains of humanity"...

I wonder now, is this true?

The guilt... Another hammer digging me deeper into the ground... (I'm reminded here of a scene from a horror movie where the zombie tries to escape the grave - a hand sticking out of the soil)...

Then there is complete and utter nothingness... And here is where I stop... For now...

If My Nerves Had Lips!

If my nerves had lips...

They would shout: Enough is enough!
They would bite them so hard that I could taste the blood,
"I am bored of being strong and acting tough;
This crap is just too much, rummaging me like a raging flood"!

If my heart had claws...

It would have ripped itself from its current space!
Because there's only this much a heart can take,
It would have run off to be far; in a better place!
The pain it's being forced into is causing it to break!

If my ears had hands...

They would have kept away from words,
In silence their haven would have been!
They would have shone away from the herds,
Since on being here I have never been keen!

The Sight of You... Nauseates Me!

I swear it does!

More words than integrity,
More lies than ability,
More promises than eternity!

But you act as if you care!

Mixed signals of hate and affection,
It feels like you're my only infection,
You bring me pain and fake protection!

But I still had faith in you!

When you conspired against me with giggles,
When you ran from question in wiggles,
When you always clapped for the triggers!

And now you don't matter!

I won't measure myself with your crooked yardsticks,
I won't be waiting for you to mash my face with your bricks!
I won't allow you to manipulate me just to get your kicks!

Execrable!

I, so naively, thought that I could go on without this blog!

I thought that I was strong - or maybe just sane - enough to take the execrable situations, that I am repeatedly forced into, and make something good out of them, without the need to vent by writing; you know, tackle each problem and solve it as I go!

Sadly though, I was painfully wrong - just like many other times where I thought I knew better!

Am I a changed person since the last post I wrote and published here? I believe so.
Do I like this new person I am now? For the most part, maybe yes, but when it comes to the important part of me, the part that thrives on great feelings, passion, and all this crap, the answer is NO!

"They" are there as a constant reminder that this will not be easy! Their little conspiracy theories, their lack of commitment, their lies, their schemes, and all other negative things they bring into my days and burden my soul with, they are all so hard to shake off!

"She" never stops the blame... Every single day... Never satisfied with anything I do or say; never willing to give me some space to breath!

Breath! God, I miss breathing: taking long, deep breaths and feeling better... It has been so long since I really felt better!

"He" never seizes to amaze me with the audacity he so proudly carries onto his personality, wearing it as a coat to cover his weary bones and a cat to warm his tired mind!

And yes, I am tired... And I do ache...

But what is different now?

I gave up... I gave up on people and I gave up on trying. I have no more faith in anyone or anything and I live, day by day, never looking forward to anything and always holding my head to the front not to look back... But that's it! A mere, shallow and futile existence; no one is worth it!

And to all of you out there, whom I've written a few letters to the past few months, you sadly proved to me how well-deserved each word I wrote about you was and I hope that one day life will teach you how pain can scar, the way you did me...

Regards...

Hollow World...

That's all this world is: hollow, cold, manipulative and meaningless...

The actors on the stage of life are playing their cruel roles good and well...

"Never underestimate the capacity of others to let you down"..

And I raise my white flag... I surrender!

Sleep Catcher!

When we are young, with hands not yet scratched from life's thorns and memories not yet tainted from time's flaws, most of us dream of having the simplest icons of joy: getting a little toy as a present, going out with mommy for an ice cream or even being allowed to play in the garden with the neighbor's kids!

As we grow older, our dreams change, just as we do...

And now, as I lay in my bed, restless and sleepless, the irony of one specific dream strikes me: my dream of having a big beautiful dream catcher in my room, over my bed, to capture all those nasty and wicked dreams which always used to creep into my sleep!

Now, at almost 27, I wish for something bigger and more rare: a sleep catcher! I NEED TO SLEEP!

I mean in addition to my flu and its ramifications (the cough, headaches and fever), there are also the many aggravating thoughts that do not seize to stop or pause; the worries about what's to come, the concerns about how to deal...

And all I want to do now is just sleeeeeeep!

P.S: This might be my last post, at least for a long time. Therefore, you now have the time to go through the older posts since this will be my 518th published piece!

Illusions of a Better Year!

The human mind is such a complex, and sometimes even scary, place! It's like a room; sometimes filled with happy, jolly voices, laughs of kids, scents of different roses, memories of good moments while at other times it is just dark, empty and tangled up, filled with painful stories of a life never lived, of a hope never fulfilled, of a love never returned and of a smile stolen away from time!

Oh how I laugh, so ironically, at those who think that now that 2009 is gone, the year coming next, 2010, will be any better! The illusions they have about things changing to meet their moods and to suit their needs is just ridiculous!

What changed? Really? What changed between 31-12-2009 and 1-1-2010? Where was the magic wand that hovered across the earth solving everyone's problems and bringing their souls to a silent peace? Where was that fairy dust which showered the land with goodness and purified minds from evil?

The answer is simple: get realistic people; this is the real world! There are no fairies or magic dust, there is no magic wand... It is all the same, just another year carrying with it just other disappointments!

I tried reevaluating myself for the past four days, you know, since it's a "new year" and all. You know what I got? Nothing! A big fat hollow nothing!

Yeah I know, I've made mistakes: I've cried in my office for stupid reasons, I talked back to my mother when I shouldn't have, I allowed my pain to hurt others, I held faith in something that was never worth it. Yet, other than those few incidents, I have done nothing really wrong! I committed no BIG sins like killing, lying, stealing and so on!

Yet, my luck seems to be hating me! Karma seems to have placed me in its head; in a negative and unfavorable manner!

Stay tuned for my "new" year's resolutions!

Her Last Words...

"The right time is now; this is the perfect crime scene," she thought..."Whatever happens to her now, no on is going to know about it, at least for days".

Smirking to herself, she continued to think, "no one will care any way!"

She did care though; she cared too much.

That's why, after some thought to it, she figured out what was missing in her master plan; the missing piece to the big puzzle... "I need to say good bye to everyone who has been there, put me down or hurt me... Everyone who made me feel worthless... Everyone who held my hand... Everyone who broke my heart... Everyone who has lied to me... Everyone who loved me..."

Therefore, she decided to write a personal letter to each and every one who left some kind of print on her life... By initials, so she won't embarrass them or make them too obvious!

The posts to come were those letters...

My New Year, in Ruins...

Just yesterday evening, I remember having a very short yet sincere conversation with myself about the coming year and how people, all around the world, celebrate the "special" new year's eve through multiple ways, various rituals and different mentalities.

I also remember telling myself, in efforts to lessen the value of this day to me:

Every year has been worse than the one before, so why celebrate? Why not just sit at home, light little miserable candles, put off the lights, shut the doors and close the windows, put on some sad music and cry for the year to come for it will definitely be yet another year filled with pain, anger, disappointment and every other negative feeling possible?!

Don't judge me yet, I know it sounds pitiful, I really do... But why smile for a year that has already decided to frown back at me?

Well, the ironic thing is, I had prepared for new year's eve! I bought a new short black dress which covers my thin, ill-looking figure. I went to the salon and colored my nails in a bold and daring color to proof to myself that things can change. I also booked an appointment at the salon which I did go to after I was forced to cancel all the plans I was looking forward to!

So there I am, at the salon, and I'm figuring things out. At the sink, while getting my hair treatment, it all just hit me: my life is a joke! The things I believe in are fake and those whom I trusted for so long have been deceiving me all along; they never really cared and all their words were lies and their actions, simple games that my naive mind did not catch on to sooner!

Right there, at the sank, in the middle of tens of heads waiting to be showered and blow-dried, and amongst around 8 hairstylists and 5 or more helpers, at that sink, while the music was blasting: my pain took the form of warm wet tears that jumped out of my eyes and onto my rosy cheeks, and I burst into tears...

Curious eyes surrounding me... Whispers "why is she crying, what is wrong with her?" all around... Then a gentle yet clueless voice approaches me saying "please come with me to the private area".

In my mind, I thought of how embarrassing and inconvenient my pain was to all those happy people who are anxiously waiting to get out there, enjoy this night with someone they love or with family and friends... They all had smiles and haste drawn all over their faces. They had hope for a great night followed by a "new" year steaming from their pores and wet heads! While I just sat there, as a proof to all of them, that maybe this is all fake, and that regardless of how happy you try to make yourself, you might simply lose at the end!

If it is God's will for me to be in this pain, so be it, I can't argue with his will or my destiny... Yet it is not God's will, it is man's will... For the carelessness and selfishness of man can never be more harsh than this!

An even bigger slap in the face this time. My hair is ready: looking all shiny, tidy and full of life... Unlink my soul which is struggling to smile for all those who made sure to pass by "the private area" and make sure that I am doing better now, before they go off and do whatever it is they planned for this "god forsaken" night.

So I'm on my way out... I get into the car, where I had left an extra change of clothes, cream, perfume and sandals in the back seat.. But I've got no where to go, better yet, no where to go that I would want to be!

Flash forward, a few hours later...

It is one a.m. It still feels like an extension of 2009. Nothing has changed!

I unpacked the bag which held hope for a smile...
I unplugged the life system which my wishes were plugged into...
I unsang every song that I was planning to rejoice that night...
I unbuttoned the dress of desire and love...

And from then, until about 5, all I did was stare blankly into the screen of my Mac, stupidly waiting, hoping and wishing some more...

Morning came, and nothing changed...

In my bed, on those same pillows, I cried again... I cried to have lost everything I had: the one man that ever loved me, the one person that I ever loved, the girl I trusted yet brought me all types of pain, the mother I missed yet has no clue of the pain that I'm in...

And now, all I have are my words to gently try to wipe the tears off my no longer rosy cheeks...

I hate where I am because of you... And I hope, one day, you will realize the damage you've done...

Goodbye...