A Little Girl...

A little girl, scared and dreadfully alone, sits on the porch of a stranger's house and bursts into tears…
Her life seems so empty and hollow; she shivers and cries out from the pains and the fears…
A hand reaches out to her, touches her gently from the back and a voice calmly says:
Don't you worry little girl, I'm here now… I'll heal your soul and make you live better days…
She looks back and sees no one; just an empty porch, just another illusion her mind plays…
She finds herself all by herself yet another time in a total shock and an extreme daze…

My Little Secrets...Part (2)

Let me open up my heart to you again and tell you more of my "little secrets"…

You see, many of us have dreams: big ones, small others, crazy ones, romantic several, simple ones, complicated many, impossible few, etc.

I dream of plain things that I know I will never get so my dreams can be labeled as: Simple and Impossible!

I dream…
Of a warm and cozy home were love is raised and spread…
Of a less demanding life where my mom can rest and have more time to spend with us, especially with me, away from work and translation!
Of a more "caring and understanding" father who I can rely on and feel safe when he's around…
Of having a sister, a few years older or younger than I am, to share with her my hopes, my dreams, my adventures; the bad times and the good ones…
Of a shared meal where we could all sit together, with no tension, and talk, smile and joke…
Of having less responsibility as the older sibling and not having to be the "perfect" child to make up for the lost time!
Of spending hours watching a movie, all of us, as one family with no reference to anything that happened in the past or anything that might happen in the future…
Of a haven to run to when all the chips are down… A place to protect me from the cruelty of the world outside, a place to shield me from the pain and make me feel that things "will turn out just fine"…

Ice Cream & Fertility!

I was trying to get my mind off the "phone call" subject so I went online and made some research concerning technology, medicine, science, etc… I came across this very interesting topic!
The main theme of this article is new research suggesting that high fat dairy products such as ice cream, may aid in increasing women's fertility:
"Ben & Jerry might help you get pregnant, but not in the usual way. A diet rich in ice cream and other high-fat dairy foods may lower the risk of one type of infertility, a study suggests. It sounds too good to be true and probably is, some doctors say.
Researchers found that women who ate two or more low-fat dairy products a day were nearly twice as likely to have trouble conceiving because of lack of ovulation than women who ate less than one serving of such foods a week.
Conversely, women who ate at least one fatty dairy food a day were 27 percent less likely to have this problem."

Just As It Was....

It is kind of strange how I clearly remember my feelings 2 years ago from this day.
I remember all the pain, all the confusion and the betrayal I felt as if it were yesterday!
Trying, fighting, suffering and praying for that scar to heal…
Begging, crying, shouting and trying to hide what I feel…
Yet again, after that period had passed, I find myself down and confused once more…
I find another disappointment waiting for me behind another door…
The names change, the faces change and the places change too…
Yet the pain remains the same, so deep and always so true!

Note: I am not depressed; I just feel an undeniable confusion which I simply try to release by writing.

The Phone Call!

I am sure many of you out there watch, or at least used to watch, horror movies. The relevancy of this subject is the name of this post and how to me, it seems like a perfect name for a new horror movie!
Usually, names of horror movies consist of two words in order to stress on a certain event or highlight the importance of a certain object that will be present in the movie.
As for me, the phone call itself is the current "horror" I fear.
Today, any time soon, I have to make a phone call which can result in turning my life around!
I am so scared of making that call. I feel extremely anxious and panicky.
Deep inside, I have gone over my reactions to that call hundreds of times but I still am so certain that my actual reaction will still be sharper and much unexpected!
May God have mercy on me!

What Is Next?

I am extremely confused about what has gone and what the next step should be…
I have no one to help me make the "right" decision….
I am on my own this time…
I sure hope I do this right…..

A Few Quoted Lines...

"Strange…

But even when you know it has to end...

...when it finally does...

...you always get that inevitable twinge:

Have I done the right thing?"

Tangibles!

There is an overpowering emotional connection we experience towards material entities such as a country, a street, even towards an office…

I have been pondering upon that idea for a while now and I have finally uncovered the reasons!

You see? We are psychologically connected to those tangible units through the memories we have of them!

Good, funny, strange, bad, sad, happy, crazy and many more memories are the key to our "attachment" to those specific places, streets, buildings etc.

If you leave your country, you will miss your friends, the times you had with them, the memories you shared in every street, every corner, every restaurant… You do not actually miss the corners, the restaurants and so on!
The same applies when you leave an old job… You do miss your desk, but why? Only because you've spent numerous hours there working, having lunch with your colleagues, joking with your boss, looking for an ashtray!

Again, you do not only miss the good memories; you get to a point where you miss the bad memories as well… You miss the small arguments, the let downs, the crazy customers!

Does any of this make sense?

Sweet dreams my old office… Sweet dreams Lebanon…

A Delibration....

He looked up at him and said, "But I love her..."

He shook his head and replied, " What you feel only matters to you; what you do for the people you say you love is what matters..."

A Relationship....

A relationship can be described as two people holding one stick…

At some times, the stick is short and the partners can look deep into each other's eyes and inside their souls…. They can feel the love and the passion…

At other times, the stick is too long and vision becomes blurry… The partners can't see each other any more; they can't feel the connection…

Yet, most importantly, they NEVER let go of that stick, because when they do, then it is over for good…

Mankind... The Harvest!

Someone I appreciate and admire so much mentioned something to me today; it was profoundly deep and intense so I thought I should write about it:

Let's name this piece of writing: Mankind… The Harvest!

We, humans, in our best and worst conditions are rather similar to wheat at the time of harvest!

Let me explain what I mean by that:

When it is time to harvest the crop, the harvesters are spread in the field to collect the wheat… The wheat is gathered on the chains and is then sentenced to a time of being crushed underneath this chain and then carried over on top of this chain…

We humans are the wheat, we spend our lives on this chain, which only allows us a certain time with freedom and sunlight (happiness and peacefulness) and so many other times being squeezed and crushed (in pain and anger).

I know many of you won't agree... Yet, these will only remain as their label says: Shared thoughts!

To Em Mohammad... God Rest Her Soul...

Just as the mountain, she stood tall and proud, spreading her shadow and blessings over her children's pace…
Never complaining, never bored, always around to pamper, to give advice, to love and embrace…
She spent her years cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, washing dishes yet with a smile upon her face…
Never waiting or expecting anything in return from anyone, just praying that her children will grow up with pride…
Many years passed and age passed her by and the pain she could no longer hide…
Day by day sickness bounded her and with time it halted her stride…
Her children all around her, all settled and happy, she felt she can finally go…
Away from the world now that she would finally know:
She did it all, everything will be fine now; time will heal their scars and tears…
She will live inside their souls now and will still try to battle all their fears…
God bless her soul and take her somewhere to rest after her struggle all those years…
She will never be forgotten, in their hearts and minds she will always be near…

Those Precious Moments...

As they approached the end of the road, everything began to seem clearer than ever before…
It didn't matter any more, if she goes or decides to finally walk out that door…
They both lived precious moments they will never ever forget…
They both learnt so much from each other along the way…
They realized how tomorrow doesn't matter to them, what matters is today…
The screams in the background will never fade; they will haunt her for more time to come…
But no one, not him, not any other man can be there to hold her and pull her out of that glum!
They needed a haven, a temporary one, to run to from the pains of life…
They were not ready to change, to fight for each other, to strife!
None of them promised a happy future or a warm home…
They both searched for bigger goals, they both still needed to roam!

Expectations….

I have prepared a little poem about expectations… Here it goes:

The only way to get disappointed is to over expect anything from anyone around!
People are just too busy with their own business and with it they are bound…
Love, caring and giving have no meaning in this time and place…
The beauty of them all was shattered along with their value and grace…
How can we be naïve and expect love and care from a lover or a friend?
When we actually can't even expect from our own families in the end?
Believing in yourself and you potential is the only way to be…
Only that, only you, can set yourself free!
Live for today, tomorrow may never come!
Love yourself and your emotions make them numb!
Smile, as much as you can and remember this:
True happiness is from within, and so is pure bliss!

Families Inc.!

Just a while ago, less than 10 minutes back, I had this really interesting conversation with someone so precious and dear. This conversation was extremely brief yet it stimulated many ideas relating to humans and their way of conducting life!

The main subject of the conversation was families, from here; I will call this piece of writing: Families Inc.!

As we were talking about the usual things we talk about each morning: how we both slept, what we had for breakfast, what were our plans for the next few hours, he mentioned something about having to go visit his uncle because "his twins were turning 2 today"… This was the turning point of the conversation.

He said: Well, you know how big families are. We are committed to many occasions!

I said, jokingly: Well then, I guess you should remind me to say no when you propose because if this is the way things will be, we will never have one private moment for us!

He smiled and continued to say: Well, in our family, there is always a special occasion or event to attend:
Someone gets married, someone gives birth, the baby grows a tooth…
Or, someone graduates from school, gets accepted in university, graduates from university…
Or, someone buys a new house, someone else buys something new for his old house…
Or, someone just feels like popping by for breakfast, another for lunch, a third for a cup of tea…

We are a big family, and we do have this close connection which is why we have this responsibility!


After hanging up, I stood in a moment of silence, contemplating…
I do not comprehend the importance of these things and I can not judge whether they are "very important", "important", or "unimportant".

I do believe people do set their priorities in life and I do know that families are a priority but I also know how exhausting it can get to be in every family occasion, especially if you have a job that requires so much time and effort from you, disregarding your your own social life that is! I also know that sometimes after work, all I want to do is come back home and lay in bed and do absolutely nothing!

What do you think?

Writer's Block!

Good morning everyone…

It is a cold and gloomy Friday morning, which, to tell you the truth, does not inspire writing much yet I feel that it has been a while since I last wrote anything so I think I owe it to you and to myself some "entertainment"!

You see the problem with "writers" (yes, I do consider myself one!), is that every once in a while they get what they call "a writer's block", it is when you either have nothing to write about and you lose your muse, or you have no way of expressing the many things you can write about!!

I am currently experiencing the second one!

I do go to work every day from 9:30 till 6 , 7 or even 8 and I do around a million thing each day such as going to my already scheduled meetings, setting up new ones, some marketing here, some editing there, some translation here and there, some follow ups, etc.

During this long and usually exhausting day, many small incidents inspire me to write:

The little girl selling chewing gum in the rain, at the traffic lights.
The starring grocer right who is always situated next to the entrance of the building.
The man driving by with his mobile phone in one hand while the other hand is clenching on to a cigarette!
All those people going somewhere: university, work, home, etc.
My colleagues and how humble they are.
The cab drivers who once are quiet and keep to themselves and some other time just talk and talk or sing along to whatever music is playing on the radio!
The thoughts of my life: How can I make it better? When will it change? What should I do?

I guess you get the point by now!

So, with all the above ideas circulating around my mind, and notice this: we only use 25% capacity of our brains, it becomes harder and harder to choose one subject and talk about it! Thus, I end up writing nothing which is kind of ironic!

My Little Secrets...Part (1)

To all those who read my posts and care enough to hear me nag and complain about my fears, disappointments, pains and let downs, I have something for you to change your mood! I would like to share a few of my optimistic and cheerful dreams with you…

Can you keep a secret?

I dream of being someone whose words matter.
I dream of making a difference in my life and the lives of those around me.
I dream of a man who understands me and appreciates who I am.
I dream of a different and new life where fear is no longer harnessed.
I dream of a warm home where love is nourished and sharing is valued.
I dream of a small family for my own, a family I can give my time and love to.

I think that's enough for now!

If the feedback is as I except, I will share with you more of my little secrets!

The Human Condition!!!

Let me look at this as positively as possible and from the most "logical angle" I can see it from!

I recall the specific events of the past week and its ending…

I remember the state I was in, the pain I felt, the people who were beside me and tried to help, those who didn't care, the sales visits I had, the work I had to achieve in so little time, the written driving test, the events that happened there, home, the "family", the personal level and the tears, the previous things I have written and posted, and I deduce the following:

We, the human race, are so fragile! Our condition whether mentally or emotionally can not but entirely depend on others in the sense that we can be easily broken just because someone decided to "screw up" with our hearts or minds.

Don't tell me this can be avoided and that we have total control on our mental and emotional state because I would not be convinced!

Look at me for example, a very "cheerful" person in the mere sense of the word! I do enjoy laughing and being joyful and I love spreading this joy over those I care about. Then, all of a sudden, a stranger walks into my life and makes it all different. My happiness now, or even my well-being, becomes solely dependent on him/her. Why? Simply because I do believe that this life can not be tolerated except with that "someone" by your side and once he/she is, everything you do, every step you make, needs to depend or just relate to that person in one way or another.

To explain more, please look at this situation and its scenarios.

Situation: I had a bad fight with x in my family, I needed to talk.

Scenario A: I'm single, I call one of my friends and we talk, I feel better.
Scenario B: I'm in a relationship, I call my boyfriend, he answers, we talk, I feel better.
Scenario C: I'm in a relationship, I call my boyfriend, he doesn't reply, I feel worse!

Bear this in mind: We do not hold the decision of being fragile or not in our hands! So do not stress yourselves and strive to be what you can never be!
Only those who use their hearts for pumping blood and nothing else are those who will always prevail!

One of My Favorite Quotes...

"There is no remedy for love but to love more..."

- Thoreau -

"Eternal Embrace" - Have You Ever Dreamed of This???

A pair of human skeletons lie in an eternal embrace at an Neolithic archaeological dig site near Mantova, Italy, in this photo released February 6, 2007. (Enrico Pajello/Handout/Reuters)

ROME (Reuters) - Call it the eternal embrace.

Archaeologists in Italy have discovered a couple buried 5,000 to 6,000 years ago, hugging each other.
"It's an extraordinary case," said Elena Menotti, who led the team on their dig near the northern city of Mantova.
"There has not been a double burial found in the Neolithic period, much less two people hugging -- and they really are hugging."
Menotti said she believed the two, almost certainly a man and a woman although that needs to be confirmed, died young because their teeth were mostly intact and not worn down.
"I must say that when we discovered it, we all became very excited. I've been doing this job for 25 years. I've done digs at Pompeii, all the famous sites," she told Reuters.
"But I've never been so moved because this is the discovery of something special."

Just a few minutes ago, a friend of mine said this about me to me:

"All this positive attitude you shine out to everyone is gonna eventually ware you down!"

The Games People Play!

I have been sunk in my thoughts today about a "hot topic" in our society, one which most popular amongst couples or recently separated ones; the games they play!
The way boys and girls and women and men deal with each other….
The more I think about it, the funnier it seems!
It is as if they are dancing Tango: one takes a step to the front and the other takes two steps back!
Or, it is as if they were cat and mouse, Tom and Jerry in particular: Tom follows Jerry and then when he is bored, Jerry starts running after Tom and teasing him!
Those people deal with love and emotions as if they were just "things" they can manipulate, ignore, give attention to, please, tease, at any time they desire!
They do not believe in the ability to love with no self-centered motive or give with no ulterior need for something in return!

Attention game players: One day your extra "lives" will run out and your game will be OVER!

الحب و السعادة

بعد صمت طويل همس: أحبك...

ثم أضاف: أريدك سعيدة، و أريد أن أرى فرحتك ترسم في بريق عينيك

لم تجبه إلا بصمتها و أخذت بيده و قبّلتها

و غرقت بالتفكير: ما هو الحب و ما هي السعادة؟
و راحت تستعرض معاني الحب في مخيّلتها و ذكرياتها
فلان يعتقد أن الحب المطلق هو شيء ليس له وجود
و فلان آخر يؤمن بأن الحب يقدّر بالوقت فقط
هي تشعر أن الحب مؤلم و جوهره الحزن
و هو يريد أن يبتاع الحب بالهدايا و الأموال
هم يقدرون الفرحة بعدد الضحكات
و آخرون يؤمنون بالفرحة الموقوتة
أما هي الآن لا يمكنها تعريف الحب و لا السعادة

فتشعر بالأسى و تستعد للنسيان

Waiting... Part (1)

Take a long pause, a deep breath, and think for a moment…
Did you ever realize that we spend all our lives waiting?
Waiting for the day to end so we could leave work and get some rest…
Waiting for the night to come to go out, see friends or just sit at home and spend some time with our family.
Waiting for that phone call from a friend living abroad, from a relative, from that special someone…
Waiting for a moment of peace and happiness…
Waiting for a better job offer, or even a raise…
Waiting to be heard, seen or noticed…
Waiting to love and be loved…
Waiting to start a family…
Waiting and waiting and waiting….
How long is it till we stop waiting?
God! We are even waiting to stop waiting!
Ironic!

A Small Revelation!

People always tell you: "love is blind"...
Well, guess what? Logic can be blinding as well!

Think about it!

فكرت

فكرت: هل سأستطيع أن أوقف جريانه في دمي؟ هل يمكن لي أن أنزعه من قلبي و وجداني؟
هل سأشفى منه يوما؟
هو: هو الذي بحثت فيه مرارا و بمرارة عن الأب و الأخ و العم و الخال والذي بحثت فيه أيضا عن وطن – وطن أنتمي إليه بعدما أصبحت بلدتي حطاما
تأملت: كان بإمكاني أن أنهي علاقتي به كأي علاقة عابرة تمر على عجل و لكن كيف؟
اكتشفت: الكثير عني و عن عمان: كم هي فارغة بغيابه و ممتلئة بألمي غير المتقطع... ألمي الذي أجده يخاطبني بأكثر من لون و لغة و لهجة
حقدت: على طرق الوحدة الملتوية، على ساديتها
ضحكت: على جنوني به و على تحملي لقسوته اللاذعة التي لا بد أن تؤرخ
رجوت: الدنيا أن تعلمني كيف أذكر اسمه دون أن يحترق لساني شوقا له و حسرة على الذي مضى
مللت: من أحلامي الموقوفة، تنتظر إذنا للإفراج عنها
وضبت: أحزاني و أوجاعي و همومي، جمعتها من عيناي و يداي و أطرافي...لملمتها و أخبأتها في درج المطبخ و أنا أهم بالخروج للقائه
أحسست: لقائي به غريبا، قاسيا، مسلوب الكلمات و مجرد من الراحة
قررت: أن أحيك له كنزه من أحزاني و مخاوفي و جراحاتي ليحتفظ بها مع باقي ذكرياتنا التي مضت و أمضي أنا في طريقي من جديد

My First Publication....

ان شئت أن أنسى.....تذكرت.. امتلأت بحاضري، واخترت يوم ولادتي....لارتب النسيان، فتتشعب الذكرى.هنا قمر يعد وليمة لغيابه

He Sleeps...

While he sleeps, I rest awake uneasy, unmatched, misplaced, out of order!!
Just around a hundred ideas run loose inside my mind and my sanity border!
The parameters of reality stretch further and further to unravel the truth of what has become…
All that was there slithered and fainted into the echoes of my misery's drum!
I still can hear his voice so clearly ripping up my hopes from inside…
The shrieks of chaos resonate while I try, soaked with burdens, to carry my stride…

I feel so out of words and out of sighs!
I feel the tension in my core rise….

"Are you the same girl who sat there next to her??" He continuously asked…
How could he, this stubbornness and callousness, so skillfully masked?

"…………………….." Those are the unspoken words that were never meant to be heard!
And now all the meanings, values and beliefs seem to be so distant and blurred!
I will retire now, to my bed of memories once more…
And pray that this furious sea of confusion will lead me to any shore…

A Mild Reflection!

Snow leopard cub Gul'cha (L), born July 8, 2006, plays with his mother Dshamilja in their outdoor pen at the zoo of Zurich January 17, 2007.

Animals... How lucky they are; they just have to worry about eating, sleeping and ******!

Reasons for The "New Blog Look"...

Official grieving & mourning due to a massive individual loss & let down...

I Wish....

I wish I had the "right" words to explain how I feel now…
I wish I had the time to tell you all the things I felt for you…
I wish I had the years to pass next to you without worrying about the days to come…
I wish I had the energy and patience to wait for nothing and everything at the same time…
I wish I had the answers to all your questions, if you ever needed to ask them, and I wish you had the answers to mine…
I wish things were like they were just a few days ago…
I wish I could have passed this without any pain or regrets…
I wish I could soften your heart and alter your head and thoughts…
I wish I was someone else at another time!
I wish I wasn't alone now, feeling hollow and so bitter…
I wish I can find my smile – I must have misplaced it in your car and forgot to grab it along with me, on that day, when I walked out, with all my broken hopes and dreams…
I wish my mind could just "log off" at least and my eyes would just shut open!
I wish my tummy wasn't as stubborn as my blood, which only accepts O+!
I wish time had stopped a few days back… When I had "faith" in love and a better day…

Reality Check:

Only rarely do wishes come true!

Action:

Deal with it!

لم يأت.قلت :ولن ........إذا...سأعيد ترتيب المساء كما يليق بخيبتي ...وغيابه :أطفأت نار شموعه .....أشعلت نور الكهرباء

A Salute to Memories!! Once Again...

I've been sitting for hours now, alone in my room again, just thinking about life, relationships but most of all, memories…

It is such a great dilemma that memories present:

Memories, especially those beautiful ones, spent with a dear friend, a relative, a partner… Memories of joyful laughs, true smiles, pure bliss and happy moments, how wicked and evil they can become! How much pain they can bring after all is said and done…

Whether the details were vague or clear, whether the moments were long or short, no matter what they resulted from, regardless of the place, memories, once they remain after the "LOSS", are just like sharpened spears that cut through our souls and existence… The single reason behind our happiness for hours, days or weeks after, becomes the main reason for our pain and the spiteful and dark nights relived later on…

I, again, raise my hat and salute memories, just as I did to life and its irony… I think I despise them both equally right now!

News Update:

I would like to give you a brief summary of what is going on today, February 4th, 2007:

1. Scores killed in Baghdad market blast.
2. Indonesia floods leave 145,000 homeless .
3. Colombia coal mine explosion kills 32.
4. A strong storm hits Amman.
5. A 24 year old girl suffers a painful loss.

News Analysis:

No one has planned for all those tragedies, all those who were killed and left homeless.
See? Life is full of crap which hits you from any place without further notice.
Did any of the above people know what will happen to them? And if they knew, could they have, I mean really, ran away from it?
Planning and planning and losing everything you gain will get you no where! Because you can never have the "right" plan and you will always need someone by your side.
No one can predict the future; no one knows if they will be alive the next day, no one knows anything!
I, for example, would have loved to have been killed in a car accident after any moment of true happiness, but it never happened, as you see! I am all alone, feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders. Feeling broken down and so fragile!

Word of advice:

Hold on to what you have, do not just sit there and watch it go because people, in nature, only feel the value of what they had when they lose it. But sometimes, it is then when they can never have it back.

كيف؟ و لماذا؟

كيف يمكنك أن تغلق عينيك و تنام و أنت تعرف مدى حزني و ألمي؟
أنت، يا من تبرأت لأجله من جميع خطاياي
يا من وهبت لأجله كل ما أحببت و كافة عطاياي
يا من ملكت تفكيري و عقلي و ملكتني بنظرة عابرة
كيف تنام أنت و تبقي دموعي حائرة؟
هل أكتبك لأنسى أم لأبقي ذكراك ساهرة؟
هل أهواك لأهوى أم لأضحك على هذه الدنيا الساخرة؟

The Moment of Truth!

What do you do when the moment of truth arrives, many years late, and knocks at your door??

I look at myself now, I look in the mirror, and all I see are sheer reflections of what I used to be and faded images of who I wanted to become…

My heart speaks an utterly foreign language that my soul can no longer understand…
My mind is in a constant struggle of what I want to do and what I end up doing as a result!

I grope on to the faith granted to me by those who truly care yet I grip the small hints of disappointments from those you wish me harm…
I am a muddle of mixed emotions running towards a big, plain and dark wall!
Knowing that I will collide right into it but not discerning how or when!

Back to the moment of truth, in particular, my moment of truth!

It seems to me that lately I have been running around myself in circles and steering away from logic and my own sanity continuously…
I hold on to the impossible and pursue the unattainable…
I give my self valid reasons at times when no reasons are valid enough…
I paint myself pictures of colorful hopes and dreams when I have nothing but black paints!
I wait and wait and wait… When there is no common sense in waiting…
I wish, I pray, I hope…. When deep inside I know that no good will come out from any of those…

How long will I linger behind that door afraid to face it all?
How long can I ignore the knocking, the knocking on my door?!