A Word Document...

I was typing a long piece of writing which I did not really like that much so I decided to clear the text by using the back space button on the keyboard… As I watched the letters fade away with every click, I realized something: the similarity between typing on a word document and a relationship.

A relationship is just as simple as the process of typing on your keyboard:

Every click represents time (in seconds, minutes, days, weeks, months or years).

Every letter symbolizes communication of any type (call, message, face to face).

Every word signifies a new sensation, feeling or awareness (admiration, interest, love, etc).

Every exclamation mark demonstrates a sudden change of heart, plan or intention.

Every new paragraph marks a new beginning, an unsullied day, a fresh level or a new stage.

Now, what does the back space button imply?

I guess it clearly distinguishes the end of an “era” two people have spent together… Two people who kept reading and reading their story together and decided to let go and move on… To erase all their memories… To start typing a new word document!

Some Things...

Some things in life are hard to explain… Others can not be explained at all!
Some times life hits you with things so unexpected that you simply falter and fall!
A “cute meet”, a phone call, a passing glance or a look deep in the eyes…
Crashing hearts, aching souls, many tears and countless cries…
Some things in life are just the way they are; they will never change despite what you do…
Accept them, embrace them and try to keep your head up whatever you might go through…

Illusive Illusions...

A scented flower, so beautifully colored, so gently curved, blooms with the first light of spring…
A little kitten runs wild, meaws, scratches, purrs and peacefully falls asleep and awaits what its dreams bring…
A shy river sways, glimmers, and continues to flow so tenderly, so serenely with patience and affection…
A child smiles, plays, utters, cuddles and silently prays for his parents’ continuous love and protection…
In the meadows ahead, sheep run wild, the grass dances to the rhythm of the wind and clouds above start to disappear…
She watches the world around her, thinking, contemplating and wondering, where is he? His heart beat she can loudly hear…
In nature’s beauty, she bows her head and falls into a deep hollow illusion…
The world seems more clear to her now, less sorrow and less confusion…

Phone Conversation...

“But it is isn’t right, it isn’t how things were supposed to go! Yeah, yeah, I know, I messed up one more time!”

“So? What’s next?”

“I really don’t know. I am stuck in the middle of nowhere!”

“But you knew this would, or at least could, happen!”

“Well, I really didn’t think about it. It didn’t even cross my mind!”

“Wake up! What the hell were you thinking then?”

“If I knew, I wouldn’t have called you crying my eyes out! You see, things just seem to get more and more complicated and it is kind of hard to anticipate the next move based on the given variables!”

“Stop blaming variables and start directing the blame to yourself! I know things have been really hard on you, especially lately, but you know you are able to make better choices. You have always done that, no matter what the situation was. Why did you stop now?”

“Listen, I really don’t know. I just needed to talk. I needed to vent. I have to go now. I can’t take this anymore. Thank you for listening…”

Contemplations of A Lost Soul…

Yet another time, she could see something in the far distance and yet another time, she could not tell what it is.
She could have sworn that she had it all figured out, just a few steps ago… She was sure of what she wanted and she had a clear path she thought it was the best that she could ever be on…
Another sigh, another shiver, one long deep breath, and a tear… Another hesitation, a faint sense of fear and a pinch of confusion…
Still things could have been better… Still things could have been worse…
She could have chosen a different way, lived her life in a different day…
She could have been, would have been, and should have been, wiser, calmer, and less afraid of being alone…
Yet another blink of an eye, a beat of a heart, a whisper, yet another sound of cruel silence…
Everything crumbles, everything burns, everything fades…
In the distance, many things seem to await her arrival… Many unknowns, many unfamiliar….
She takes a step forward, another to the back…
She is in the middle of nowhere… Standing tall, standing still, standing alone yet still standing…
When will she lose the will again? When will she finally give up?

Life & A Cigarette!

Lately I've been trying to understand the phenomenon which is called "addiction". I've been trying to analyze the simple yet many factors that lead to any of the many addictions one may develop.

I am sure each one of you practices his own rituals that are related to one addiction or another.

Let's take me, for example, I am addicted to many things (and I have written about some in a previous post). One of those was my addiction to chaos, which I recently kind of started to quit!

On the other hand, one my friends is addicted to sports, another to love songs, another to Hubble Bubble!

Now, what all of those friends and many others have in common is one thing: the need to have the thing we are addicted to. This need drives us to make mistakes, take drastic measures, feel weak, get nervous, feel anxious and sometimes even lose control!

So, what about those addictions? What can truly drive us to give up a certain addiction? Smoking, for example?

Well, a strong will would be a start then a variable, which I would like to refer to as a stimulus, will finish the job. If the will is there, no matter how deep it may be, the stimulus alone will lead us to give up those addictions. The stimulus could vary depending on the element of the addiction yet it could be sudden bad news, a certain friend, a new love, an unexpected health problem, etc…

Now you tell me, what are your addictions? And are you looking for the right stimuli to let go of them?

Disappointment...

A few days ago, someone who was a very close and dear in my life, really shocked me by doing something not even a real enemy would have the courage or audacity to do…

What I've been thinking and reconsidering since then is the following:

How could someone do that to you after all the good times you both shared? How could someone intentionally hurt or abuse you after the times you have stood there for each other, after all what you have given and sacrificed? How could someone you let into your home, introduced to your family, had many meals with, laughed with, cried with, traveled with wait for you to turn around and just "bam", pierce you in the heart? What could he be thinking? Revenge??

Now, on this gloomy and cloudy morning, I guess I figured it all out…

No one, no matter how pure or how innocent he is, no matter what his values are, whatever his religion or beliefs may be, will stop to reevaluate a step to hurt you especially if the necessary "weapons" or "gear" (like a photo or some info) was handy! By allowing people to know your weak side, get into your problems, share time with you, by being open with them, honest and giving your trust, you always run a risk of being back stabbed or painfully scarred. And believe you me, this scar is for life!

With such a "critical" subject as this one, I can not myself give advice on how to handle such a situation, how to deal with those people around you, what to say and what not to do… All I can say is time, yes time, and moderation are the best tools that could be used to ensure the minimum levels of disappointments!

A Warm Tuesday Morning...

On a warm Tuesday morning, she gathered her smiles and her hopes and headed off to work…
Today, something seemed different, the fear of what's to come magically drifted away and she felt a deeper inner strength that no one would ever be able to shake…

The confusion that used to haunt her nights faded and was replaced with bliss…
She felt something warm, closer and closer to heaven's kiss…

She knew she was right to hold on and wait…
She was sure that there must be one more gate…

Now everything looks, smells and tastes so different, so brand new…
Something deep inside is yearning, is burning, and is so undeniably true…

On a warm Tuesday morning, she packed her fears and tears in a suitcase and hid it somewhere she would never find…
Today, everything seemed brighter, the breeze softly played with her every curl and tenderly caused her emotions to wake…

Love Vs. Infatuation: Different Views...

"When you are in love you will just know it. There is no formula or logic to love. You just feel it in your heart, your mind, and your soul. The feeling is something you can't describe but can arise at any moment, triggered by a memory, a word or a thought of that special person. The difference between a crush/infatuation and real love is that a crush is someone you may forget about during the course of a day/week/month. Someone you may think of a few moments from time-to-time that you can do fun things with such as dates, dinner, and movies. A real love is someone that you cannot live without, someone who is constantly on your mind, day in and day out. It's someone you can't wait to talk to next. Someone who you can't wait to see for whatever reason!"

"You know you're in love when there is no hesitation in expressing yourself. When you feel you can share anything and everything. When you are not anxious about making a commitment. Mostly, you don't feel the need to look around for greener pasture. You don't think that maybe the next man you meet may be better. You are willing to check this relationship out...see where it goes. A crush or an infatuation doesn't last long -- it's not satisfying and doesn't usually turn into a long-term relationship."

"Love is when a stunning woman, a stranger, walks into the room and you look over to the one you're with, the one you've shared many conversations and memories with. You look at her and can't wait to be alone so that you can hold her in your arms. That is when love becomes so much more then infatuation."

"How do I know when I'm in love? When no sacrifice is too big, no distance is too great. When every time I think of her, I feel happier than the moment before. When I see her in everything I do and everywhere I am. When her love in return wraps me like a warm blanket. Then I know. A crush doesn't come close."

"I know I am in love with someone when I cannot control my feelings. When I cannot stop thinking of her -- then I know I feel love. If it is a crush or infatuation, then I know I can shut her off and think of someone else; even plan a date with another for a later time. But, if I cannot do that and do not want to see anyone else, continue to think of her all day into the night, look forward to seeing her again and put aside all others, I am in love. It has been wonderful when I have felt that way. I have had many a crush, but have been in love only a few times to the point of forsaking all others, including friends, to be with her."

Bits & Pieces from Before...

"Life, again, plays a game of poker with my head, my soul and the pieces left from my heart… If loving you is wrong, I don't ever want to know what right is… That is what I hear in every beat of my heart…"

"In life, there are realities we have to face… Many are painful, and mine are many! Without you now, where would I be? Without us later, what could happen to me?
Wrong, right, good, bad, real, fake… All these contradictions have gotten a hold of me… They are fused, mixed up that I can't grasp the difference!"

"The world shines through your words… The roses bloom by your mere essence… You make me feel stronger and push my fears aside… You make me want to believe again, in those love fairy tails where a knight comes to rescue the girl…"

Quotes to Think About...

"Sometimes the world asks us to fight for things we do not understand, and whose significance we may never discover…"

"A miracle is something that fills the soul with peace…"

More Wishes...

I wish everything in life was as simple as binary digits: 0s and 1s…
Or maybe just as palpable as my two favorite colors: black and white…
I wish the vagueness and shadows that surround our every move would just fade away, and we'd become transparent, just as a piece of glass…
I wish that there was one truth to everything we experience, just one meaning to all the things we feel…
I wish that there was a "handbook" or some sort of guidelines that would let us know wrong from right, in the absolute sense of those two words…
Or maybe, I wish that right and wrong had only one meaning to everyone we meet or get to know…
I wish we were able to decipher all those signs around us to know what the "safe" next step should be…
I wish all of us could have our own little and "innocent" dreams come true…
I wish things in life were not so exhaustingly complicated at one point or another…
I wish relationships and friendships were much more sacred and self fulfilling…

Please note the following: I am aware that I have already written about my wishes in a previous post yet I think these wishes are more common amongst my readers due to the fact that they are more generalized…

An Odd Insight!

I guess every writer has a secret source of his/her own muse… I tend to strongly believe that mine is simply a reaction to one of the following feelings: extreme happiness, extreme sadness or boredom!

Sometimes, when the farthest point of each of the above feelings is reached, I tend to just stop writing at all because the intensity gives birth to a new feeling: impotence!

When experimenting with extreme happiness or sadness, it is rather difficult for me to get myself to actually be sated in front of the PC to write! Of course, each feeling's variables range differently and widely yet the outcome remains the same!

As for boredom, when I feel an excessive amount of it, I just rather sit and do something too trivial because it would demand less of my brain capacity!

Therefore, this brings me to the whole reason behind this "unusual" post: trying to explain the essence behind the fact that I have only posted around 8 posts up till now in April while I posted over 30 posts around the same time last month!

As the title says, it's just a odd insight into what is going on in my life, for those who care to know!

So What??

So what if I get it wrong this time as well?
So what if everything I build again fades like a spell?
So what if the clouds shadow the moon again tonight?
So what if tears block my view of all that's in sight?
So what if I wake up with no hope this day?
So what if things never ever go my way?

I know that tomorrow may not bring me the joy I deserve…
I know that sometimes my sanity I need to preserve…

After every rain or storm, the sun will once again shine…
After every aching pain, I will get what's truly mine…

Life is not only a garden with butterflies and green trees…
It has flowers with thorns and honey from bees!

If I frown today and I feel hopeless and so alone…
One day soon I will find the beauty that was never known…

At the end, I will be here, standing tall with pride…
At the end, my tears will find a shelter and hide…

Time Vs. Emotions...

A million thoughts cross my mind every minute, some are happy thoughts, others are hopeful while a few may be disappointing or even depressing! Yet, only one of the most recent ideas I felt is worth writing about: Time in relation to emotions.

Who can determine, with precision, what is the right time to develop feelings for a certain someone?
Who can really judge if there is a right time to act on those emotions?
Why do we always say: it is still too early? What is too early? And who decided that a week or a month or a year is the accurate measure?
When does it become too late?
Does waiting for too long have negative effects as well?

Let us assume a girl, X, meets a boy, Y.

Now X and Y find some common grounds and start feeling comfortable around each other.

What if X begins to develop feelings for Y sooner that Y does?
What if the story is reversed?
When does X know that Y is the one for her?
When does Y feel that X is worth giving it all up for her?

As I see it, time seems to be a very crucial element that binds everyone. I have seen many people get together and break apart due to time, I have seen long relationships end with no outcome and I have also met people who fell in love so fast and things went on so well…

My conclusion is that there is no place for time in the calendar of love… Yet, sadly enough, many people restrict themselves to time that they somehow lose track of what they have and end up being miserable and alone!

Still Holding On...

It all fell apart; nothing is left except the silence of the streets and the noise of the broken memories…
The warm snug has become cold and lifeless and the children playing in the playground all went home and left me alone…
The trees refuse to sway and the sun just won't shine as bright anymore…
Faces lost their features and the calm is so rigid and fused into monotony…
Breaths are heavy loaded with regrets, vision is blurred and voice is scarce!

Yet after all, it is another day, a new beginning, so keep your head up, stand up straight and keep the faith…

Coincidences...

Do you believe in destiny? That every coincidence happens for a definite reason?

Personally, I have passed through times that I doubted the strength of such a word, lately my faith in coincidence grew again and I admit: I do believe!

Coincidences whether they were an aching pain in the stomach while the person you need is not available, thinking you lost your glasses somewhere while you didn't, talking to someone who knows someone who knows another…. All those do happen for a reason: a part of a bigger plan meant for us (it may be bad, it may be good, yet it is definitely a plan!)

The way things fold and unfold then fold again, all this is magically and holistically related to reach a specific point or peak, what I would like to call: the climax! Then, after that, the cycle is repeated again and again…

So as a conclusion, things happen for a reason just like other things do not happen for a reason as well… Believing in this does make life easier, it helps the person to go on and learn from his/her mistakes, just as I did…

Winds of Change...

Though I was a believer in the higher powers of love, know I finally see…
No matter how strong your love is, if the object of your love does not love you as much, you should just let go and let it be!
Though nights will be hard, breaths will be short, tears will fall and memories will crash and burn…
With time you will slowly and painfully learn that for that kind of love never to yearn…
Though deep inside you will wait for that call to hear his voice, you will pray that one day he will realize your worth…
Life will force you to move on and be strong and live every day as if it was your last and your birth!

Pictures on A Wall...

The story of our existence is similar to pictures in frames hung up on a wall…

Each story is written using different characters, events and settings…

Each picture represents a certain stage, a certain age, as well as specific feelings and emotions felt at that stage…

The more the pain and anxiety, the darker and more empty the picture is…

The more the happiness and the cheerfulness, the brighter and more full and colorful the picture will be…

When we are born, our wall is empty; nothing is there, just dull and lifeless white paint… With each day, sigh, smile, anger, obscurity, tear, hope, wish, dream, scream, let down, joy, regret, delight, fear, the wall is decorated with more pictures in frames, pictures which illustrate what we felt at that time and the reasons for it…

Sometimes, the wall might become very crowded, and you can't really figure out the series of events and analyze them clearly, it is then, and then only, when it becomes the time to start putting down pictures from your wall, burning them, and moving along…

Will I ever do that? Will I ever start sorting the pictures of my life and organizing my wall? I am sure that one day, some day, I will…

Morning Confusion...

On this sunny morning, I woke up from a sweet dream, too sweet and beautiful that it caused me to fall into tears because it ended; because it seems that all it will always be is just a dream…

It is so ruthless how our memories and subconscious plan, conspire and plot together to fabricate our dreams in a way that makes us wish that we never wake up just to keep living the dream…

Anyway, I have been meaning to post something for the past few days but I honestly wasn't able to come up with the right words for how I felt, I couldn't even get my thoughts lined up or organized whatsoever!

However, I do know this for a fact: I have been having second thoughts about everything in my life at this point, even my blog… I wish there was someone to tell me what is wrong and what is right (though I know I probably won't listen!)

I have to go now, but before I do, I sure hope that everyone I love and care about is feeling peace, some content and maybe some love because those do make a difference in one's days and nights…