Sweat Drops...

I'm amazed, no, actually, I am bedazzled:

How could one bleed this much inside and still be alive? How could one sweat in the midst of the cold night? How could one lose sleep for many nights in a row? How could one scream to be heard, so loud, and yet no one can hear those screams? How could one be so lonely yet not choke from all the anger and pain swallowed, gulp by gulp, day by day?

I know what you're thinking: Come on! It's almost new year's! Cheer up, celebrate!

Hehe... Yeah, I know... I'm more bored with my sorrow than you are at this point. Therefore, if you're in a good mood, I urge you to leave this post now and go see a loved one, go out with friends, have a drink, hell, have a PARTY!

Otherwise, you are welcomed to be here, share my pain with me...

So, for those of you who decided to stay, allow me to let you in on a little secret: I think I am death proof! I think it's God's way of punishing me for whatever sins I have committed when I was younger, or maybe even in another life!

Leaving aside the emotional traumatizing accidents, the physical incidents which could have easily got me killed, all failed! And I'm still here!

So little food, so little sleep... And I'm still here!
Too much stress, problems and anger... And I'm still here!
Too little overrated happy moments stolen in time... And I'm still here!
Too much physical damage caused by my indefinite pain... And I'm still here!

ENOUGH!

To be continued... Or maybe not!

Strip Poker!

You called the game then called the shots: Strip poker it was!

Not that I don't mind nudity or enjoy it in any way, but as always, I let you lay down the rules and I promise to play by them to the last breath and whatever it takes!

Occasionally, you would change the rules and forget, but that was fine, as they say: "rules are meant to be broken!"

So we sat down, for many many months, and played your game, your way!

And the stripping began:

First round: I had to strip out of my ego; you made me feel bad about my past and the pain I was forced to go through while growing up - the same pain which made me stronger, more able to take care of you and a family one day.

But that was okay: ego is a cardinal sin after all!

Second round: I had to strip out of my pride; your conspiracy with everyone against my pride was really well planned out! I stopped caring about your insults and theirs, I took it all in, like a man, though I'm definitely not!

But that, too, was okay: pride is one of the seven deadly sins!

Third round: I had to strip out of my joy; the little happy girl inside shrunk into her cocoon and slowly yet surely, died a very silent death. (May God rest her soul)

Here, I started worrying, murder is a sin; you drove me to murder!

Fourth round: (I'm almost utterly naked and my skin is covered with over-hyped goosebumps) I had to strip out of my mind since staying there and playing this game after all those losses is simply and clearly INSANE!

Oh well, insanity is just a socially set construct.

Last round: With shame, I had to finally strip out of myself! My body no longer could hold me in because my soul became rotten with fear, anger and pain and my heart weakened with insults, broken words and too many lies...

Well, hard luck for me and... to you dearest... congrats: you have managed to take it all away!

Let's Make Love...

Come closer...

Bring your body close to mine...
Let your breath touch my neck and my heart shiver...
In the music we sway, our bodies in twine....
Make me become whole again, collect me sliver by sliver...

Come here...

Bring your warmth and cover us up...
Let your eyes indulge in me, let your hands find my curls...
In the night we are alone, as we drink from passion's cup...
Make me feel that you're my man and I'm your girl...

My teddy bear...

While I drench you in tears and wish you could understand,
While I tell you my fears, and hope you could hold my hand...

You, I and the wet tissues are here on this bed alone,
You have no soul to feel and I have no real haven or home...

The Unforgivables...

"Forgiveness is a virtue of the brave".~Indira Gandhi

Her soul is tired from carrying around all this deeply entrenched pain and dreadful memories of a voice so harsh, of a word so humiliating, of an act so unkind, of a look so hollow, of a love never returned and of a promise so unfulfilled.

In her mind she stumbles with the thoughts passing by of the places she had been, the people she had met, the chaos she had undergone...

Somewhere inside of her existence, she feels she needs to forgive. She needs to be brave and allow all this pain to wither away with forgiveness...

Yet, she knows, she can not forgive what she can not forget; as long as the wound is fresh, it will keep bleeding and though the past is the past, it did not heal yet with the help of the poking and the scratching that "all of them" impose!

The unsettled childhood, the messed up teenage years, the love which was never appreciated, the things she had lost, the nights she had cried, the pain which she endured alone, the longing for a warm touch on the face, the yearning for a sincere embrace... All of these and many more, deeply rooted somewhere she can't reach to pull out or even trim!

Would you mind telling her: How could she forgive the uncalled for pain? How could she find it in her heart to refrain herself from HATING or HURTING those who placed her in the corner of despair, intentionally?

A Hesitant Suicide Note...

A while back, around 4 or 5 years ago, I remember writing a suicide note. I know what you're thinking: "Crazy!" It's your opinion. So maybe I am, maybe I'm not.

Come to think of it, the funny and equally ironic thing about that suicide note, which I remember very clearly now, as if I wrote it a couple of days ago, is the reason why I decided to write that note: A state of overwhelming happiness and safety, one which I was scared that this cruel life would steal away from me!

That suicide note explained the bliss and serenity I felt and how terrifying the thought of losing all that I had, all that I felt and the love that grew inside of me then, due to something out of my control!

Today, as I stand here trembling with fear of the mere thought of having to be threatened, humiliated, rejected, abandoned and marginalized, I think I have reached a new point of surrender: a point of no return...

It is one thing to die while your in love and your loved in return, happy, blissful and satisfied. However, it's another thing to die because your body began to cave in and fall apart, your mind is almost numb from negative thoughts and your heart is weak and feeble from the pain you are put through, day after day, and with no true reason of why this is all happening!

Lies, lies and more lies!

Deception, deception and more of it to come!

Ignorance, selfishness, carelessness...

Inflated ego, weak personalities, chains and no saws!

Now, after I thought this through, I surrender: I planned it all and prepared for the final scene...

I am finally relieved!

The clock is ticking and soon, it will be all over; for I have been all I can be and did all I can do for a big fat "NOTHING"!

May this soul of mine finally rest in peace...

P.S: For all of you out there who contributed to this final scene: May you get exactly what you deserve in life. You mocked my pain but your time must and will come.

Riddle Me This!

I am alright now; much better than I have been in a very long time.

For the few of you who have been there for me when I was sulking down in the pits of depression, I'd like to thank you, I'm floating up now. I am alright.

You know how they say: "Once I found all the answers to life, they changed all the questions?" Well, I'm done searching for answers!

I used to think giving up is a sign of weakness, but I know better now.

There will always be things we can't explain, people we won't understand and problems that have no solutions!

I don't understand you, never have, and pretty sure I never will!

You don't understand me either, regardless of how hard I try to be transparent in every little thing I say or do!

To make matters more complicated, I don't understand myself when I'm with you: the pain I take, the humiliation you cause, the anger you nurture, the things I give up and the insecurity you spark...

It's like a riddle; a sick one may I add, with no real solution!

No books were written about those like you, no poems composed, no songs sung, no studies done... In your own way, you are one of a kind; every exception to every rule!

Like a shaky, rusty roller coaster ride which I need to risk my life for going on every single time!

I'm done with your riddles!

The Truth about Letting Go...

There's an old saying that goes: "If you love someone let them go, if they return they're forever yours".

Since I have been there, done that, wore the shirt and the cap, let me lay it out to you, oh so bluntly: this is pure nonsense!

If you're wondering how I came up with such a conclusion, I have three reasons to share with you:

1. If you love someone, you can not let them go in the first place! Letting go is a sign of cowardliness, weakness, surrender and even, more so, a twisted disguise for playing a game with something as sacred as love!
2. If you consider letting someone you love go, if they do, really, love you back, they will choose to stay! No one in love is capable of abandoning his/her lover by choice!
3. If, after all this, you do let the one you love go, trust me on this: you don't want him/her back if that ever happens! Once you are out of sight, mind and heart and other random partners enter the picture, you should not settle for someone who got bored and came back to you out of despair or just because no one else was able to tolerate his/her crap as you did!

Hoping these words make a difference in your life because love is too precious to be tampered with, placed on hold or be humiliated and mistreated!

All the best!

On a Monkey's Visa!

A short, yet somewhat insightful, piece of advice:

When you decide to visit a heart, with the intentions of residing there permanently if things were to go well, make sure you know what type visa you are given in order to enter the heart in question!

Believe you me, you don't want to end up getting a monkey's visa, going bananas for love and attention with no real, hopeful main dish to look forward to!

All the best!

They Lied!

As we were growing up, we learned how to view the world in our parents' eyes; they taught us right from wrong according to their perspective of things, they preached to us on what to do and what to avoid depending on their experiences in life.

The older I get, and the more people I meet along with the experiences I have with them, I realize that, yes: my parents drove me off the track; they lied!

It was a lie to convince me that when you do good, good things will happen to you in return; that rarely ever happens!
It was a lie to preach to me how bad things happen for a reason; most of the bad experiences in my life have no logical explanation!
It was a lie to teach me how to be truthful, leading me to believe that this is the only way to rightfully take what is yours; being truthful within a world of lies and deception makes you stupid and naive!
It was a lie to tell me that I can make myself into whatever I want and that is what matters; sometimes, no matter what you do, people still don't see you as "enough"!

They told many other lies, yet, the mother of all lies has to be that about love, its purity and how it repays you with more and more love; my heart's wounds won't heal and my soul aches! Love, in this time and place, brings nothing but pain!

Cheers to all the lies and to the painfully uncovered truths!

Main Dish: Scrambled Thoughts!

A peak into the randomness of my thoughts: "When your own words fail you, there's nothing to do but to take refuge in the words of others to express your ache!"

• Faced with the fear of loss and abandonment, and under the heavy influence of jealousy's claws, no lover resembles him/her self.
  
• The amount of love one feels when happily in love equates the amount of aggressiveness and loathing one feels when disappointed by that same love!
• When a lover feels the urge to torture his/her loved one, it is never an intentional torture, rather, a way to try and make the loved one feel the pain and ache boiling up inside!
• When in love, the man becomes the sultan, the master, the compass and even the weather forecast in a woman's life; she seizes to function normally upon his absence!
• The mobile has become our embodiment of the lover we crave; when its pulse vanishes, we fear and feel a silent assassination with a criminal intent!
• When in love, a woman wears, oh so naively, the waiting sweater and refuses to take it off! She also forbids any other man to unbutton that sweater!
• How can it be love if it has the power to pull you with its floods when it comes yet is also able to kill you from thirstiness when it goes away?
• Some men are like reptiles: they have the ability and the will to shed their past like dead skin, effortlessly, and easily replace it with another, never looking back!
  
• When suffering from a painfully absent love, you are living a delayed life, as if living someone else's life; you stop being the owner! You willfully choose to give up living the present rather than choosing to give up a possibility of a dream!

To the writer who inspired these words: Thank you, for I have lost my own words along the pain!

Running Out of Words & Time...

With echoes of the words, from the book I'm currently reading, bouncing off the walls of my tired mind, I search for my own words... And in the midst of the storms that smash and destroy my peace, there is a silence of words, for they have taken refuge in hiding somewhere that I can't seem to find!

The last time I wrote, I could clearly pin point every word that I wanted to say, I could see it, feel it, smell it, taste it, and even touch it, right before I poured it out, with a fragment of my aching soul, into a piece of writing, that was able to help me find serenity again...

Yet now, I feel the choke of the words within my thoughts... Scrambled thoughts anyone? I'm sure they would make a hell of a Mediterranean dish; one which many men out there are sure to enjoy!

I have tried, believe me, to place my finger upon the bleeding wounds of my heart, to cut off the bleeding... The wounds were too many and I only have ten fingers!

I have also tried to pull out this pain, by its deepest roots, from my life... The roots were so deeply entrenched within my life creating a risk of pulling out my life along with it!

I tried to fight, to be calm, to shout, to rationalize, to cry, to rebel, to be everything I can be and do anything I can do... The problem still remains with no cure: like HIV, weakening my immune system to the point of helpless surrender!

Then, there is this sickening feeling of craving a touch on the face, an embrace for the longing body, a whisper of sweet word of love... But they never come, and the stomach grumbles from hunger, while the body aches from abandonment and the ears bleed from the silence!

My words... I see them now and after them I run... Their endurance beats mine... I'm broken and I ache... They disappear again...

When life shrinks down to work, pain, longing and unfulfilled needs, it becomes death, a living one with a beating heart refusing to just stop!

I want this pain to end, for I no longer can live this death inside of me!

His True Colors...

Feeling absolute nothingness, she set her mind to write yet another piece dedicated to her silently bleeding heart...

"I owe my heart at least this much, " she thought...

With steady, slimming fingers she typed her thoughts away:

Like echos of a memory never lived, his name faintly murmurs in my head,
His words lost the power to touch my soul, they trigger the anger in me instead...

His true colors were that of a lizard; changing to suit the time and place,
Emotionless to the world outside himself, signed with "liar" across the face!

He tricked me into losing what was rightfully mine, swearing a better day would be,
He made me believe all this pain will eventually be the reason to set us both, together, free!

The chances lost, the time wasted, the tears shed, for a forever I took in and waited,
Yet little by little there were no more lies to tell me and the trust and love all faded!

When I think of him now, my stomach curls and my body sickens with disbelief,
How could he have been the one to steal my life, lie, falsify, cheat and deceive?

I gave him many chances; not one, neither two nor three, he chose to screw it all,
I tried to wait for him to hold my hand, he chose to kick me down to my fall!

It's time now to take it all back; the confidence and the love, give them to someone new,
I hope God will deprive him all the things he took from me, I hope he's placed in my shoe!

Now & Then: Realizations & Confessions...

You were a touch of a sun's ray upon my chest your warmth would lay,

You were a kiss from an angel's lips, a dance with a never ending sway...

You were an overwhelming scent of fresh green grass and acres of meadows,
You were the building that stood there tall, blinding me from all the shadows...

You were the smile in my eyes, the tenderness that soothed the sighs...
You were the path for a better day, the truth that wiped all the lies!

You were a night whisper in my ears; your words would lay my to sleep,
You were a tingling sensation, a bundle of happy moments that I tried to keep!

Yet, the way I see you now is different...

You are the choke that so delightfully sits in my throat, restricting my air!
You are the itch that I can't reach to scratch, the sting that I can't bear!

You are the spineless creature which lurks in the darkness to bring more pain,
You are the self absorbed witless boy who beats me down again and again!

You are confused with illusions of lust and material; you can't see through,
You care for nothing but your sick desires, you have eyes for only you!

You are a worthless excuse for a man, though the needed organs are there,
You are a loaded bag of excuses, using the right one to act as if you care!

You did me wrong...

You had no right to fuss and to fight, to give me hope that we might,
You had no clue of what I could do when my anger wills to smite!

You thought I was helpless, the chains of your love would hold me back,
You lost control along the way but I took the steering and I'm back on track!

You hide behind the phone lines, you hide because your cowardliness is deep!
You blame others for your idleness, you have no soul able to feel or weep!

You pitiful little thing; soaked in hollowness; as nutless as could ever be!
Shame on you for fooling me once, but for the other times: SHAME ON ME!

P.S: I hate you...

Wrong Breeds More Wrong...

From the very beginning, it was all wrong; everything we did,

You were never pure and I was never cured;
Your present was blemished and my past was still aching...

From the very moment I laid my eyes on you, I was broken,
You never wished to heal me,
You never tried to change; your heart refused to awaken...

From the very first kiss, my heart was another number,
Just like all the others you kept,
On your shelves and in your drawers; you lead me to my own hating!

Slowly yet skillfully, you pealed off my confidence,
Then it was time to slice up my pride,
Using your "morphinic" lies to mascaraed my pain; into and out of fainting...

A trophy was my love to you; something all wanted but only you could get...
Your ego grew, my happiness quivered, you knew you won the bet...

A coward hiding behind closed doors, in basements and farms, like a predator waiting for the next gull!
With your fake promises piercing through my ears and penetrating my shedding skull!

Oh yes you deserve it: an award for mutilating the purest of hearts,
Karma will come back to take care of you; your ends and your starts!

The WaterLine...

I just sit there and let my thoughts rise above my hate for your injustice,

Blessed are those who, like you, are damned with the the sin of carelessness...

It's a losing battle, a lame cause, those empty hollow moments we steal and share,
Cause at the end of the day, the waterline is rising, and all we do is just stand there!

The water reaches our ankles as the chills climb up our spineless spines,
I can still hear the tears bounce off the surface, I can hear the shouts and whines!

Your real need for detachment used to fit my aching need for attachment, and I stayed,
The strings of my soul you pushed and pulled, with my heart you flipped and played!

The water reaches our hips, it's getting cold while you stand there, no embrace to warm my trembles,
I fumble with the memories of how you sullied me and drove me to a pain which nothing resembles!

Your love was a lie, a hiccup in the calendar of your days, and you chose to mess me up,
You held my head tilted to the back, opened my mouth and poured in poison from your cup!

The water is touching our necks now, I know that I'll drown first, it's simple: I'm shorter,
You hold me close, threatening eyes warning me not to swim away, a grin like a mortar!

Into my nose the water creeps and I lose awareness; I can't feel my feet,
Our story ends, right there, as we drift with the waterline down the street!

A Note to My Readers...

Allow me to begin this post by saying: "I regret that pain has taught me nothing..." and I mean it.

But that's besides the point now.

When I look at the previous events of my life, I can't help but wonder: What have all the people around me been doing to make this better? The answer is: they have been judging me!

When I first started this blog, back in May 2006, my purpose was to express feelings, (anger, pain, sorrow, happiness) and share stories in a way that would help cure me and help me get over whatever negative emotions I went through.

Day by day, this blog became a persecution site! Whether you knew me or not, you found this blog as a way to read my sins, study my pain, and sue me for them!

I think it is my right to take it back now. So again, here is what I will say, and I hope you really hear me out this time:

My blog is my best friend, you have no right to take it away from me!

Therefore, taking into consideration the aforementioned elements, you either choose to read what I write to better understand me and maybe even shield yourself from going through my pain, read it to waste time or enjoy the use of words, or just, please, don't read it at all if just for persecution purposes!

YOU don't know me.
YOU don't know why I write or whom I write about.
YOU don't have the right to take this away from me.

Thank you.

The Nutless Men of Ammville! Scene 1

Nutless at the Movie Theater!

The nachos flew in the air, falling, like snow flakes, on the ground...

Phasing into a crowded area...

People walking around, chatting here and there, some purchasing popcorn before the movie begins, others sneaking a cigarette in the corner, while the employees secretively pray for the shows to start and the people to leave them in peace!

As we zoom into the corridor, we can hear a man screaming: His words are still mumbled; it's too hard to figure out what he might be shouting about!

A few steps closer and the voice becomes clearer...

Enter: A man, dressed in white, while his angry face shaded in a blend of burning red hues...

His words can be heard now and he is running towards the exist door, trying to find some employee to directly shout at!

Enter: Employee, wondering what possibly could have bothered this man!

Confrontation: the man in white sees the employee, runs up to him and throws the nachos plate in his hand, and as each nacho falls to the ground, like a snowflake, the man screams:

"I sat on a plate of nachos! It's your fault! I want 100 JDs as reimbursement! I want it now"

And as he walks past the employee, searching for someone else to pounce on, like a hungry cat, you can see his guacamole and cheese stained white dress, right below his back, creating funny shadows of greenish yellow!

Giggles in the background...

Apparently, the nutless man was in such a hurry to take his seat that his eyes missed an entire plate of nachos, which could have just been placed there by a fellow nutless movie lover!

A still shot of the man's behind...

Phasing out...

The Nutless Men of Ammville!

The story goes that...

Once a upon a time, in a place called Ammville lived a community of nutless men along with their families: women and children.

The nutless men lived in harmony, never feeling that anything was wrong with them; never noticing they were missing their nuts!

Although some might have been smart and well educated, it seemed that whether you hurt their pride or simply bossed them around, they had no way of knowing how to react and what to say: they lacked the right nut-related hormones to do so!

The men of Ammville had nothing to lose; they had already lost their most valuable belonging in their childhood days, or maybe even before they were born! They feared nothing and they had absolutely no trouble with lying, manipulating and deceiving or even being lied to, manipulated or deceived!

Living really closely to those men, and having had several encounters with them, created this curiosity in me to examine them on a deeper level. So I watched them, wrote down their every move, documented my every encounter with them.

From there, I decided to write down my experience with the nutless men of Ammville in the form of short sarcastic scenes for your enjoyment...

Stay tuned for the first scene!

The Burden of Thought...

"Success is the child of audacity.” Benjamin Disraeli

I tend to disagree, however...

Sometimes, at a certain point in your life, you realize that all that you have ever believed in, all your principles, your own made rules and even your upbringing is simply useless; it does not go hand in hand with where you are living and the people you have to deal with!

You find out that being good and doing good results in people's mockery! You discover that when you give everything, you usually get nothing in return. If you respect someone, they will end up disrespecting you! If you love someone, probably they will end up hurting you!

It is quite a sick equation that goes a little bit like this: the purer you are, the funnier of a joke people perceive you to be! The more you allow people to manipulate you, thinking that they will be ashamed and stop, the more they will! You give them an inch, they take a mile and then some!

But what do you do then?

Do you decide to just "be like others"? Do you change yourself in order to suit their needs? Or do you hold on to what you believe in and just take their words, foolishness and evil and let it scar you while trying to throw it behind your back?

I wonder!

I Wore His Word...

I wore his thoughtless word around my neck like a tight necklace,
I wore it like a decayed pair of earrings with smelly rot on the surface...

I carried it deep inside my body, right in the middle of my stomach,
I added it to the library of "never to be forgotten" pain and ache!

I wallowed in anger for what he said was utterly careless, I bet he feels nothing!
I wallowed in frustration for the way I reacted, I showed him the hurt in his sting!

I dragged myself back to the place it happened, I literally pulled myself out of bed!
I dragged myself hoping that his word will just vanish and get the hell out of my head!

I Chose You to Be My Joy, You Chose to Be My Sorrow...

"We choose our joys and sorrows long before we experience them" - Kahlil Gibran

Coming from such a great writer, these words must be true and I believe they are, up to a certain extent...

Sometimes, we choose our sorrows and they end up being joys and sometimes, it's simply the other way round:

I chose you to be my light, you chose to be the darkness that lurks within me,

I chose your love to be my freedom, you chose to be the chains that won't set me free!

I chose you to draw a smile on my face, you chose to be the pained frown,

I chose you to be my raft to safety, you chose to show me how to drown!

I chose for you to be the one I love, I chose to give you all the love I had,

You chose for me to rain tears with no mercy, you chose to treat me bad!

I chose for you to be a father to my children, a partner for life I chose,

You chose to be manipulative and take me, by the hand, to where the sadness grows!

I chose for you to be the center of my world, my one and only desire,

You chose to turn against me and be the fuel that lights my heart's fire!

I chose for you to be everything and everyone that mattered,

You chose to be careless and with my feelings be simply flattered!

I chose for you to be my sun, you chose to be the burn,

I chose to never give up, you chose to never learn!

I chose for you to stay, but all you wanted was to go,

I chose your happiness, while you crafted my sorrow!

And now, all I am left with are my choices, hanging heavily on my shoulders... Wondering: What more will you choose for me...

10 Signs of One Sided Love...

I don't claim to be a relationship expert and I also don't claim to have answers for the many questions that run around in my own head! But, to have been really in love, and to have suffered loss, can help one reach certain conclusions that neither books nor studies can result in!

Therefore, and for today's post, I choose to present you with my opinion on the 10 signs that prove, beyond a reasonable doubt, that the love you feel for your partner is one sided, thus, coming to an end real soon!

1. Continuous Disappointments: Whether you have had dinner plans or just agreed to talk on the phone, if your partner constantly misses out on those plans claiming: he lost his phone, he fell asleep, he was busy playing PS2, he couldn't talk, he lost his keys, he was caught up with the family, then you must know he doesn't really care!
2. Careless Attitude: If your tears mean nothing, if your pleads merely tickle his ears, if your fights never register, if he can easily shut you off and fall into his "beauty" sleep, you should know: he doesn't love you!
   
3. Lies and Half Truths: Once your partner begins lying to you or telling you half truths, your relationship is going down hill, destination: its doom! If someone loves you, they would not lie to you, they would not bring you half stories claiming that they are "protecting you"!
4. Advising You to Be with Another: Yes my friends, some men (and women) might actually suggest or even insist that their partner should date another and try being happy with him/her instead of growing some guts and fighting for the love they "have"! Therefore, love in this case id non existent!
   
5. Putting You on Standby: When your partner uses you as a free-time filler, nothing more, nothing less, plays you by calling you when he is bored, asking to see you when all other plans ended, don't kid yourself, he doesn't love you!
6. Keeping You a Secret: Let's assume you are a girl of 27 dating a guy of 32, you are not kids anymore and you don't really need to hide that relationship because you are supposed to be mature, decisive adults. Now, if your partner decides to hide you and keep you as a secret claiming that his parents won't approve, he doesn't love you! Seeing you after people have gone to bed and when the darkness has fallen to cover your faces while your roam the streets hidden in the car means he does not want others to know you exist: more options for him to seek and pursue!
7. A Partner in Need is a Partner Indeed: If you need to see or speak with your partner for any reason you deem important, he should respect that need. If he can not be there for you, to support you, hell, to take you to the hospital when you're home alone and there's no one to take care of you, be real: he doesn't love you!
8. Pushing You Out: A partner is supposed to let you in, keep you updated on his future plans, share with you his joys and his worries. If your partners pushes you out and doesn't include you in any of his thoughts, he doesn't love you, or even care!
9. Poisoned Words with No Actions: You have all heard the saying: "Actions speak louder than words" yet, I'm sure, many of you out there just take in the poisoned words of love and ignore action, that's ok. However, there is a certain limit to words and if you are just getting words, my friends you are being manipulated and trust me, you are not loved!
10. Being Far Down in the List: Loving someone makes them a priority to you, maybe not your first since some would say food and sleep are, but at least they would hold number 3, 4 or 5 in your priorities' list. If you find yourself lingering in one of the last few places in your partner's list, right after the dog and before finding another, you are not loved!

Love is supposed to bring you happiness and safety, make you forget the painful moments of the life you had lived before love and give you hope for a better day ahead. Love does not vow to logic and is not held back by what people think and what they force. Only true love can get you places. Only true love can open up doors for you and create "miracles". Only true love can make you feel the other's pain and give you tips on how to deal with him/her.

When you are in love, you would do anything to make the person you love happy. You will make sure they get what they need from you, you would fear for their lives and happiness equally.

There are ups and downs but nothing your two-sided faith in love can't fix or cure! However, one sided love will lead you to nothing but pain, anger, frustration to a point where you will lose yourself and end up being fragile, empty and hollow.

I hope that, unlike me, you have a better chance in love cause at this moment, I feel broken down to pieces with no hope of being stitched back together any time soon....

And remember: there's an art for manipulation... Be sure not to be fooled by it!

Down with the Machines!

This crazy trend of using "machines" in order to fulfill almost every aspect of our daily lives is becoming highly annoying and rather ridiculous! May they be computers, playstations, phones, cars, or any other electricity or fuel consuming, time wasting, people separating devices, the machines are taking over us!

Therefore, for my latest piece of machine generated "art", I present you with: Down with the Machines!

Mountains, oceans and distances can not separate us, but machines certainly can!
And whatever it is we want to do, the "machines" are always part of any plan!

The phones will keep ringing, mostly delivering the bad news like a crow of morose,
People tracking you down and whatever you do, wherever you go, someone knows!

Then there's the time set aside for games and the precious time we so ignorantly spend,
Forgetting the fact that every second broken you will never get back; you can never bend!

Our reality now is built on nothing more than e-mails, phones and other Internet tools,
Ignoring emotions and feelings, twisting, crunching and bending all humanities' rules!

Shame on me if I stand still when I see this world being dominated by "machines" and so!
Down with the machines I say, speak up, speak out, allow for the reality of who we are glow!

On Your Birthday...

I wish you didn't hate me now as much as you did a few years ago,

I wish you'd want for me to stay around rather than push me to go!

I heard the news last night, a special day it was for you (and me too);
Your birthday they all celebrated with smiles and wishes so true!

I wish I could have been there with you and amongst those who care,
I ached and chocked with tears because that day with you I couldn't share!

Yet, I didn't dare to call or be part of this happiness with you,
You would have hang up on my trials again, leaving me so blue!

So while thinking of a gift that will suit well this story's essence,
I thought I will simply bless you with my absolute and utter absence!

Happy Birthday Dear....

Hungry & Thirsty for Serenity...

I twist and ache, hungry and thirsty for serenity,
Troubled mind fumbling, body as weak as can be...

If you serve me a smile, tears are next on the menu,
If you are sweet to me, the next day we are through!

If I plead for your mercy, you kick me aside and away,
If I threaten to forget you, oh the games you'll play!

If I ask you for something, the favor lingers on my shoulder,
If I try to compromise, you insist on being meaner and colder!

I am lost; figuring you out is the biggest mystery to me,
I can't be found, as long as your love doesn't set me free!

Have I ever been a priority to you? I hardly believe so!
So why don't you leave? Take your lies and just go?

Love's Painful Chains...

"What I needed most was to love and to be loved, eager to be caught. Happily I wrapped those painful bonds around me; and sure enough, I would be lashed with the red-hot pokers or jealousy, by suspicions and fear, by burst of anger and quarrels". St. Augustine

I have spent my recent days in numbness, my dark nights in solitude,
I have tried my best to be alright, I have not found peace or gratitude...

All I needed was to love and be loved, all I needed was for this pain to find a cure,
Yet the thrones of life were scheming to rip me; too much anger rising that I can't endure!

I'm spread in all directions, pulled apart like a fallen birdman on the sidewalk of dead dreams!
Whether I call out or keep it all locked up inside, the sound is too muffled to unfurl my screams!

Where do I go? How do I run away from my senses, those which in chaos both boil and steam?
How do I teach my heart to be ice cold? How do I force my mind to lie, pretend and scheme?

Love Can Never Be Forced!

You might try hard to make yourself fall in love at times,
Trick your heart into believing that for her, only, it chimes!

You might make an effort to to be there and understand,
Hold her close at times, caress her and touch her hand!

You might think you know what you feel when she's around,
Try desperately to fly; jumping to lift your feet off the ground!

You might mix a crush and a lust with the true ache of love inside,
Lie to your senses and mind, while your real neutral feelings hide!

You might itch, lose sleep, ponder, act, wonder and crawl!
Yet, love can never be forced: it is either there or it isn't at all!

Wilted Garden...

If love is a flower, burn my garden cause all the flowers are wilted and dead.
If feelings were of crystal, drag them out of me and place rocks instead!
If the mind can't get over you, reboot my thoughts and snatch them out of my head!
And if dreams never come true, just torch this useless pillow and this damned bed!

If I stay here, a happy future for me is something I will never ever get!
If I go away, there are a million possible other if's that I will regret!
If I place a bet on us, I swear on my life that I will sadly lose this bet!
And if I can have only one wish, I would wish that we had never met!

If I say something or another, the opposite you swear is true,
If I try to come closer and make this work, all I am is angry and blue...
If I work on building trust, I'm bombarded with doubts by you!
And whatever can pain me or humiliate me, you so gladly do!

To be continued...

Please... No More!

Tears burning tired eyes of brown,
I wake up with an aching frown...

Tiny icicles scratching my throat to muteness: I can't speak,
I hate it when you make me feel this fragile and weak!

Thoughts of black running through my head,
Maybe it should have been you instead!

The power you have over me you use so skilfully,
You break my tender soul and you do it willfully!

Like a tick you suck the blood out of my heart,
Yet I bleed and ache in agony when we are apart!

I am so sick of this cycle to the point beyond any despair,
You feel nothing towards anything yet you act like you care!

And I feel like walking away, every day I do,
I contemplate a life so far away from you!

Then again I come back, missing your illusive embrace,
Craving the color of your eyes and the grin on your face!

Please... I beg you, no more, no more!
I am dying from my head to my core!

Subtle Purity...

Underneath layers of human flesh and bone, a certain warmth I've never felt before exists...
Where there is gloominess, sadness and pain, a serene smile on a glowing face so restfully sits...

Subtle purity wrapped around you changing you from the usual plain human presence,
Something about you shines so bright, something beautiful untouched in your essence...

If I hadn't known better, a child of light I would assume you were, an angel roaming earth,
May "God" in all his definitions protect you and bless your parents for this sacred birth...

I wish you endless joy with every breath you take for your peace has unusually touched my heart...
Yet I wonder how this goodness I could not see and how I almost resented you at the start!

(To be continued)

Divided We Are...

You and I, in different worlds we live, as one yet divided,
What to do next? Where to go now? It's always undecided...

You steal my smile and replace it with sizzling tears which tickle my sight,
Too long has passed that I seem to have lost my sense of wrong and right!

They blame me for you, their words, my heart, they penetrate,
Blinding me to my faith in love and pushing me towards hate!

Divided we are, you and I, no matter how close, so far we are apart,
I should've seen the signs from the beginning, walked away from the start!

Like bee stings to skin, your carelessness aches my soul as warm as could be,
You insist that whatever I do for you, you are you and I am, just me...

And as the music plays for my heart beats to dance in sorrow,
I inhale my misery and feel, simply, utterly and unbelievably hollow...

Divided we are, living as two, no past to look back to, no present to live,
Even the future has a dead end for us, regardless of all I have to give...

Three Hearts, Not One...

Some people have it easy, they live with one heart, more than often a barely functional one: unable to feel too much, love too deeply and therefore they give too little while forcing you to believe that it is all that they can give and it should be enough!

My curse, the real sorrow that breeds within the layers of my soul and my very existence, is the fact that I have 3 hearts and not one...

Where are they situated you might ask? Well, it is humanly possible to have more than one heart! Yet, within this heart that pumps blood, anger, sorrow and pain to each part of my body, there exists two smaller hearts that break and heal over and over again, endlessly, indefinitely...

Not only do those 3 hearts beat and break, they also love deeply and hurt painfully, 3 times more than anyone can!

The joy I feel, I feel so plenty and the sorrow I feel multiplied, intensified and heavy!

Take away my hearts, all of them, and leave me with none, for I am tired of love and pain... I am tired of you... I am tired of me... I am tired of this cycle of yes and no and maybe...

Quivering Incertitude...

All is well and good. Not really, but maybe at this point things are getting a little bit clearer than they were and have been for the past, hmm, 2 years (what seemed to feel like an eternity!) Now I know for sure: nothing will ever be the way I want it to be, or even close and many of those who are around me now need to be replaced as soon as possible!

I am uncertain about everything and nothing at the same time. Caught up in the web of intermingled emotions that are screaming for haven in every single direction!

I am a mess. A subtle mess, mixed with a dash of interlaced hopes and enchanted uncertainties!

What is next? What is right? What is wrong? What is real? What is fake? Where did I lose my way? How will I find it? What is my way anyway?

Hate, love - love, hate... This is how I feel towards everyone and everything around me... With no exclusions or exceptions...

Anger? Nothing but an emotion, which if unexpressed, builds up a volcano waiting, secretively, to explode!

Happiness? Overrated, unattractive, non-existent! Whatever glimpse of happiness-like feelings you might ever feel are short-lived and also surreal, as if made from the silky threads of your demented imagination!

And then, there is the "damned if you do, damned if you don't" theory... Basically, in simple terms it means that whatever you do, you are blamed for something or the other!

"If you try to be good, you are accused of being a hypocrite; if you are plain, you are mean!
If you say the truth, you are penalized; if you lie most probably you'll be caught and punished too!
If you try hard, you're being too easy; if you don't try hard, you don't care..."

And so on!

But who can draw the line? I mean really, who can decide what to do, with whom, where, how, why, why not and so on?

How can you pick your battles? How can you know who is really on your side and who will end up screwing you over?

I rest now... unrested... tired... hyper... baffled... worried... concerned... lost... found... here.. there... everywhere...

Missing, craving, wanting, needing, hoping, wishing, waiting... most of all aching... emotionally... nothing more... nothing less...

Loneliness & the Tight Box...

Allow my to start this piece by stressing the following facts:

• I am 26 yet feeling as if I am living my 50 year-old mother's life.
  
• I am struggling with a bunch of past and present related issues that seem to have no solution no matter how hard I try!
• I am at the lowest point of loneliness I have ever been since as long as I can remember!

Loneliness...

"Loneliness is a state of mind", I agree...
However, during its worst phases, when the dark lays its wings upon the earth leaving it hollow and unfamiliar, loneliness begins to feel like being forced to sit in a small, barely human-sized box, with no windows, doors or any kind of ventilation while you are diagnosed with a severe case of claustrophobia!

Slowly, you start losing the pace of your breath, as if being strangled with a thin, copper wire. You grasp for air but you can't seem to be able to take any of it in... You squeeze your chest, try to expand your diaphragm, switch your seating position... Nothing works...

You close your eyes... Real tight... Wish for this wave of loneliness to end and for another, yet lonely day, to begin... You wait for the dark to be lifted and hope that with the day's sun, you'll breathe with more ease... The morning break doesn't come...

In a box... With no one there but you, your pains, fears, disappointments and memories of those whom you miss, wedged in this tiny space... The more you think, the bigger the space your thoughts occupy and the tighter the box gets...

Within the very limited breathing air left, you take a few sips of air to call out for help... No one can hear you... No one really cares... You fall silent again...

Now, you're left with no air and no space to move... Your body goes into shock... You tremble, hallucinate, and then fall into a coma-like sleep...

A few hours later, you wake up, to find yourself on your bed, your body touching the crispy white sheets, your face caressing the fluffy pillow, and still alone, with fragments of memories of the horrible night before to keep you company through the day...

She Wept!

As if buried, deep inside a wall, trying harder and harder to push her way through the stones and rubble... Panting, reaching out, stumbling, falling down...

She wept...

Those were not the ordinary tears that you see any time she cries: this time, her tears were made of acid that slipped down her face burning her cheeks and leaving her numbed, as if fresh out of a plastic surgery...

She cried, no, wept, for 2 hours straight, non stop, with each tear ripping her insides just as the one before and the one right after...

She wept for the things she lost yet cherished so much...
She wept for the need in her to feel a warm sincere touch...

She ached, in her guts, for all the things her empty life was without,
She ached for the last time she was sure of anything, with no doubt!

Her eyes so puffed up, like cereal, "some milk please?"
She swallowed up a choked smile with no ease...

She wished someone, anyone, would try to understand...
She wished that someone would just take her hand...

Whether or not it was right to feel this way, she did feel it now!
And the pain from the past and the present has to be stopped somehow!

Another Night...

One too many nights have come by, knocked at my hope's door, and simply, just like a dream, gone away... and he didn't show...

Last night was no different...

To better suit my disappointment and his absence, I rearranged the night, the room, the setting and the general ambiance...

Once again, I put out his candles and turned on the lights; trying to overcome the darkness, which lingered there, too dusky to comprehend!

Once again, the scent of the perfume wrapping the body evaporated into nothingness and the silkiness of the skin was only felt by the cold, senile sheets...

Once again, the eagerness turned into a marriage of longing and craving with anger and vexation...

Curtains down.. The night folds, and another morning forces itself upon me...

I hold the 2 coloring pencils; I use one to draw a pinkish shadowed smile on my lips and the with the other a fading dimple on the inner side of the cheeks, and head out to yet another day, followed by yet another night...

Quote of the Day...

"Unless commitment is made, there are only promises and hopes; but no plans." ~ Peter F. Drucker

Quote of the Day...

"Love cures people - both the ones who give it and the ones who receive it". -Karl A. Menninger

Quote of the Day...

"In true dialogue, both sides are willing to change." – Thich Nhat Hanh

The Analogy of the Fly!

Every single day, I developed a habit to take a few five minute breaks during work hours, head down to the garden outside, stand there in silence and observe nature, closely, deeply...

On each day, I see something within the many layers and levels of nature that makes me wonder how similar we are to the elements of nature; how we are not that different from the bee which roams the garden trying to find the perfect flower to suckle on, the tree which stands there proud although involuntarily, the flower which tries to tease its observer with its colors and gentleness and so on...

But today, the most distinguished element of nature, which was able to capture and even more so, grab my attention was a fly!

As I stood there staring at a window from outside, I noticed a fly eagerly bashing its tiny little head against the window, trying to get out! Below the fly, at the window sill, I was able to notice a couple of dead fellow flies and bees, who apparently tried to do the same thing yet sadly failed.

This observation would have been utterly useless if it weren't for the fact that behind the window the lost fly was so vigorously attacking, there was a very wide space and a bit further, there was a door which lead to the garden i.e, freedom!

Despite the fact that the fly, as well as other insects, are structured in a way that ensures their survival to a large extent, the fly stopped at the dead end, the window, and refused to think of any other alternatives that could in fact save its existence!

Finally, the question I'd like to ask here, based on this observation, is as follows: How "fly-like" can we be when placed in a pseudo corner of making a decision or taking a stand!

Random Observation: Tangibles & Closure!

The more I think about it, the more I truly believe that there exists a very high relation or even correlation between tangibles - such as cars, mobile phones and so on- and closure between two people who have ended, or in the process of ending, a relationship.

The way I see it, after having been subjected to the situation and seeing others undergo it as well, tangibles constitute a large part of any relationship, regardless of its nature, strength or purity. The tangibles we have throughout the relationship start forming some bond with our partner during his presence in our lives. If we really want to move on, it only seems objective for us to replace all the tangibles that now remind us of that one-upon-a-time partner!

Let's take a car for example, you spend hours in a car together with your partner, you laugh, argue, touch; create memories... How hard would it be to go in your car, every single day, knowing that the person who you've shared all those times with, in this particular car, is now gone? Naturally, this applies to furniture, such as a bed or a couch and the list goes on!

To some, even a mobile phone could be the tangible to replace after replacing the partner!

I guess it all depends on the budget and the will to move on!

Leaving the country seems like the best solution to replace most tangibles at once, wouldn't you agree?