Wrong Breeds More Wrong...

From the very beginning, it was all wrong; everything we did,

You were never pure and I was never cured;
Your present was blemished and my past was still aching...

From the very moment I laid my eyes on you, I was broken,
You never wished to heal me,
You never tried to change; your heart refused to awaken...

From the very first kiss, my heart was another number,
Just like all the others you kept,
On your shelves and in your drawers; you lead me to my own hating!

Slowly yet skillfully, you pealed off my confidence,
Then it was time to slice up my pride,
Using your "morphinic" lies to mascaraed my pain; into and out of fainting...

A trophy was my love to you; something all wanted but only you could get...
Your ego grew, my happiness quivered, you knew you won the bet...

A coward hiding behind closed doors, in basements and farms, like a predator waiting for the next gull!
With your fake promises piercing through my ears and penetrating my shedding skull!

Oh yes you deserve it: an award for mutilating the purest of hearts,
Karma will come back to take care of you; your ends and your starts!

The WaterLine...

I just sit there and let my thoughts rise above my hate for your injustice,

Blessed are those who, like you, are damned with the the sin of carelessness...

It's a losing battle, a lame cause, those empty hollow moments we steal and share,
Cause at the end of the day, the waterline is rising, and all we do is just stand there!

The water reaches our ankles as the chills climb up our spineless spines,
I can still hear the tears bounce off the surface, I can hear the shouts and whines!

Your real need for detachment used to fit my aching need for attachment, and I stayed,
The strings of my soul you pushed and pulled, with my heart you flipped and played!

The water reaches our hips, it's getting cold while you stand there, no embrace to warm my trembles,
I fumble with the memories of how you sullied me and drove me to a pain which nothing resembles!

Your love was a lie, a hiccup in the calendar of your days, and you chose to mess me up,
You held my head tilted to the back, opened my mouth and poured in poison from your cup!

The water is touching our necks now, I know that I'll drown first, it's simple: I'm shorter,
You hold me close, threatening eyes warning me not to swim away, a grin like a mortar!

Into my nose the water creeps and I lose awareness; I can't feel my feet,
Our story ends, right there, as we drift with the waterline down the street!

A Note to My Readers...

Allow me to begin this post by saying: "I regret that pain has taught me nothing..." and I mean it.

But that's besides the point now.

When I look at the previous events of my life, I can't help but wonder: What have all the people around me been doing to make this better? The answer is: they have been judging me!

When I first started this blog, back in May 2006, my purpose was to express feelings, (anger, pain, sorrow, happiness) and share stories in a way that would help cure me and help me get over whatever negative emotions I went through.

Day by day, this blog became a persecution site! Whether you knew me or not, you found this blog as a way to read my sins, study my pain, and sue me for them!

I think it is my right to take it back now. So again, here is what I will say, and I hope you really hear me out this time:

My blog is my best friend, you have no right to take it away from me!

Therefore, taking into consideration the aforementioned elements, you either choose to read what I write to better understand me and maybe even shield yourself from going through my pain, read it to waste time or enjoy the use of words, or just, please, don't read it at all if just for persecution purposes!

YOU don't know me.
YOU don't know why I write or whom I write about.
YOU don't have the right to take this away from me.

Thank you.

The Nutless Men of Ammville! Scene 1

Nutless at the Movie Theater!

The nachos flew in the air, falling, like snow flakes, on the ground...

Phasing into a crowded area...

People walking around, chatting here and there, some purchasing popcorn before the movie begins, others sneaking a cigarette in the corner, while the employees secretively pray for the shows to start and the people to leave them in peace!

As we zoom into the corridor, we can hear a man screaming: His words are still mumbled; it's too hard to figure out what he might be shouting about!

A few steps closer and the voice becomes clearer...

Enter: A man, dressed in white, while his angry face shaded in a blend of burning red hues...

His words can be heard now and he is running towards the exist door, trying to find some employee to directly shout at!

Enter: Employee, wondering what possibly could have bothered this man!

Confrontation: the man in white sees the employee, runs up to him and throws the nachos plate in his hand, and as each nacho falls to the ground, like a snowflake, the man screams:

"I sat on a plate of nachos! It's your fault! I want 100 JDs as reimbursement! I want it now"

And as he walks past the employee, searching for someone else to pounce on, like a hungry cat, you can see his guacamole and cheese stained white dress, right below his back, creating funny shadows of greenish yellow!

Giggles in the background...

Apparently, the nutless man was in such a hurry to take his seat that his eyes missed an entire plate of nachos, which could have just been placed there by a fellow nutless movie lover!

A still shot of the man's behind...

Phasing out...

The Nutless Men of Ammville!

The story goes that...

Once a upon a time, in a place called Ammville lived a community of nutless men along with their families: women and children.

The nutless men lived in harmony, never feeling that anything was wrong with them; never noticing they were missing their nuts!

Although some might have been smart and well educated, it seemed that whether you hurt their pride or simply bossed them around, they had no way of knowing how to react and what to say: they lacked the right nut-related hormones to do so!

The men of Ammville had nothing to lose; they had already lost their most valuable belonging in their childhood days, or maybe even before they were born! They feared nothing and they had absolutely no trouble with lying, manipulating and deceiving or even being lied to, manipulated or deceived!

Living really closely to those men, and having had several encounters with them, created this curiosity in me to examine them on a deeper level. So I watched them, wrote down their every move, documented my every encounter with them.

From there, I decided to write down my experience with the nutless men of Ammville in the form of short sarcastic scenes for your enjoyment...

Stay tuned for the first scene!

The Burden of Thought...

"Success is the child of audacity.” Benjamin Disraeli

I tend to disagree, however...

Sometimes, at a certain point in your life, you realize that all that you have ever believed in, all your principles, your own made rules and even your upbringing is simply useless; it does not go hand in hand with where you are living and the people you have to deal with!

You find out that being good and doing good results in people's mockery! You discover that when you give everything, you usually get nothing in return. If you respect someone, they will end up disrespecting you! If you love someone, probably they will end up hurting you!

It is quite a sick equation that goes a little bit like this: the purer you are, the funnier of a joke people perceive you to be! The more you allow people to manipulate you, thinking that they will be ashamed and stop, the more they will! You give them an inch, they take a mile and then some!

But what do you do then?

Do you decide to just "be like others"? Do you change yourself in order to suit their needs? Or do you hold on to what you believe in and just take their words, foolishness and evil and let it scar you while trying to throw it behind your back?

I wonder!

I Wore His Word...

I wore his thoughtless word around my neck like a tight necklace,
I wore it like a decayed pair of earrings with smelly rot on the surface...

I carried it deep inside my body, right in the middle of my stomach,
I added it to the library of "never to be forgotten" pain and ache!

I wallowed in anger for what he said was utterly careless, I bet he feels nothing!
I wallowed in frustration for the way I reacted, I showed him the hurt in his sting!

I dragged myself back to the place it happened, I literally pulled myself out of bed!
I dragged myself hoping that his word will just vanish and get the hell out of my head!

I Chose You to Be My Joy, You Chose to Be My Sorrow...

"We choose our joys and sorrows long before we experience them" - Kahlil Gibran

Coming from such a great writer, these words must be true and I believe they are, up to a certain extent...

Sometimes, we choose our sorrows and they end up being joys and sometimes, it's simply the other way round:

I chose you to be my light, you chose to be the darkness that lurks within me,

I chose your love to be my freedom, you chose to be the chains that won't set me free!

I chose you to draw a smile on my face, you chose to be the pained frown,

I chose you to be my raft to safety, you chose to show me how to drown!

I chose for you to be the one I love, I chose to give you all the love I had,

You chose for me to rain tears with no mercy, you chose to treat me bad!

I chose for you to be a father to my children, a partner for life I chose,

You chose to be manipulative and take me, by the hand, to where the sadness grows!

I chose for you to be the center of my world, my one and only desire,

You chose to turn against me and be the fuel that lights my heart's fire!

I chose for you to be everything and everyone that mattered,

You chose to be careless and with my feelings be simply flattered!

I chose for you to be my sun, you chose to be the burn,

I chose to never give up, you chose to never learn!

I chose for you to stay, but all you wanted was to go,

I chose your happiness, while you crafted my sorrow!

And now, all I am left with are my choices, hanging heavily on my shoulders... Wondering: What more will you choose for me...

10 Signs of One Sided Love...

I don't claim to be a relationship expert and I also don't claim to have answers for the many questions that run around in my own head! But, to have been really in love, and to have suffered loss, can help one reach certain conclusions that neither books nor studies can result in!

Therefore, and for today's post, I choose to present you with my opinion on the 10 signs that prove, beyond a reasonable doubt, that the love you feel for your partner is one sided, thus, coming to an end real soon!

1. Continuous Disappointments: Whether you have had dinner plans or just agreed to talk on the phone, if your partner constantly misses out on those plans claiming: he lost his phone, he fell asleep, he was busy playing PS2, he couldn't talk, he lost his keys, he was caught up with the family, then you must know he doesn't really care!
2. Careless Attitude: If your tears mean nothing, if your pleads merely tickle his ears, if your fights never register, if he can easily shut you off and fall into his "beauty" sleep, you should know: he doesn't love you!
   
3. Lies and Half Truths: Once your partner begins lying to you or telling you half truths, your relationship is going down hill, destination: its doom! If someone loves you, they would not lie to you, they would not bring you half stories claiming that they are "protecting you"!
4. Advising You to Be with Another: Yes my friends, some men (and women) might actually suggest or even insist that their partner should date another and try being happy with him/her instead of growing some guts and fighting for the love they "have"! Therefore, love in this case id non existent!
   
5. Putting You on Standby: When your partner uses you as a free-time filler, nothing more, nothing less, plays you by calling you when he is bored, asking to see you when all other plans ended, don't kid yourself, he doesn't love you!
6. Keeping You a Secret: Let's assume you are a girl of 27 dating a guy of 32, you are not kids anymore and you don't really need to hide that relationship because you are supposed to be mature, decisive adults. Now, if your partner decides to hide you and keep you as a secret claiming that his parents won't approve, he doesn't love you! Seeing you after people have gone to bed and when the darkness has fallen to cover your faces while your roam the streets hidden in the car means he does not want others to know you exist: more options for him to seek and pursue!
7. A Partner in Need is a Partner Indeed: If you need to see or speak with your partner for any reason you deem important, he should respect that need. If he can not be there for you, to support you, hell, to take you to the hospital when you're home alone and there's no one to take care of you, be real: he doesn't love you!
8. Pushing You Out: A partner is supposed to let you in, keep you updated on his future plans, share with you his joys and his worries. If your partners pushes you out and doesn't include you in any of his thoughts, he doesn't love you, or even care!
9. Poisoned Words with No Actions: You have all heard the saying: "Actions speak louder than words" yet, I'm sure, many of you out there just take in the poisoned words of love and ignore action, that's ok. However, there is a certain limit to words and if you are just getting words, my friends you are being manipulated and trust me, you are not loved!
10. Being Far Down in the List: Loving someone makes them a priority to you, maybe not your first since some would say food and sleep are, but at least they would hold number 3, 4 or 5 in your priorities' list. If you find yourself lingering in one of the last few places in your partner's list, right after the dog and before finding another, you are not loved!

Love is supposed to bring you happiness and safety, make you forget the painful moments of the life you had lived before love and give you hope for a better day ahead. Love does not vow to logic and is not held back by what people think and what they force. Only true love can get you places. Only true love can open up doors for you and create "miracles". Only true love can make you feel the other's pain and give you tips on how to deal with him/her.

When you are in love, you would do anything to make the person you love happy. You will make sure they get what they need from you, you would fear for their lives and happiness equally.

There are ups and downs but nothing your two-sided faith in love can't fix or cure! However, one sided love will lead you to nothing but pain, anger, frustration to a point where you will lose yourself and end up being fragile, empty and hollow.

I hope that, unlike me, you have a better chance in love cause at this moment, I feel broken down to pieces with no hope of being stitched back together any time soon....

And remember: there's an art for manipulation... Be sure not to be fooled by it!

Down with the Machines!

This crazy trend of using "machines" in order to fulfill almost every aspect of our daily lives is becoming highly annoying and rather ridiculous! May they be computers, playstations, phones, cars, or any other electricity or fuel consuming, time wasting, people separating devices, the machines are taking over us!

Therefore, for my latest piece of machine generated "art", I present you with: Down with the Machines!

Mountains, oceans and distances can not separate us, but machines certainly can!
And whatever it is we want to do, the "machines" are always part of any plan!

The phones will keep ringing, mostly delivering the bad news like a crow of morose,
People tracking you down and whatever you do, wherever you go, someone knows!

Then there's the time set aside for games and the precious time we so ignorantly spend,
Forgetting the fact that every second broken you will never get back; you can never bend!

Our reality now is built on nothing more than e-mails, phones and other Internet tools,
Ignoring emotions and feelings, twisting, crunching and bending all humanities' rules!

Shame on me if I stand still when I see this world being dominated by "machines" and so!
Down with the machines I say, speak up, speak out, allow for the reality of who we are glow!

On Your Birthday...

I wish you didn't hate me now as much as you did a few years ago,

I wish you'd want for me to stay around rather than push me to go!

I heard the news last night, a special day it was for you (and me too);
Your birthday they all celebrated with smiles and wishes so true!

I wish I could have been there with you and amongst those who care,
I ached and chocked with tears because that day with you I couldn't share!

Yet, I didn't dare to call or be part of this happiness with you,
You would have hang up on my trials again, leaving me so blue!

So while thinking of a gift that will suit well this story's essence,
I thought I will simply bless you with my absolute and utter absence!

Happy Birthday Dear....

Hungry & Thirsty for Serenity...

I twist and ache, hungry and thirsty for serenity,
Troubled mind fumbling, body as weak as can be...

If you serve me a smile, tears are next on the menu,
If you are sweet to me, the next day we are through!

If I plead for your mercy, you kick me aside and away,
If I threaten to forget you, oh the games you'll play!

If I ask you for something, the favor lingers on my shoulder,
If I try to compromise, you insist on being meaner and colder!

I am lost; figuring you out is the biggest mystery to me,
I can't be found, as long as your love doesn't set me free!

Have I ever been a priority to you? I hardly believe so!
So why don't you leave? Take your lies and just go?

Love's Painful Chains...

"What I needed most was to love and to be loved, eager to be caught. Happily I wrapped those painful bonds around me; and sure enough, I would be lashed with the red-hot pokers or jealousy, by suspicions and fear, by burst of anger and quarrels". St. Augustine

I have spent my recent days in numbness, my dark nights in solitude,
I have tried my best to be alright, I have not found peace or gratitude...

All I needed was to love and be loved, all I needed was for this pain to find a cure,
Yet the thrones of life were scheming to rip me; too much anger rising that I can't endure!

I'm spread in all directions, pulled apart like a fallen birdman on the sidewalk of dead dreams!
Whether I call out or keep it all locked up inside, the sound is too muffled to unfurl my screams!

Where do I go? How do I run away from my senses, those which in chaos both boil and steam?
How do I teach my heart to be ice cold? How do I force my mind to lie, pretend and scheme?

Love Can Never Be Forced!

You might try hard to make yourself fall in love at times,
Trick your heart into believing that for her, only, it chimes!

You might make an effort to to be there and understand,
Hold her close at times, caress her and touch her hand!

You might think you know what you feel when she's around,
Try desperately to fly; jumping to lift your feet off the ground!

You might mix a crush and a lust with the true ache of love inside,
Lie to your senses and mind, while your real neutral feelings hide!

You might itch, lose sleep, ponder, act, wonder and crawl!
Yet, love can never be forced: it is either there or it isn't at all!

Wilted Garden...

If love is a flower, burn my garden cause all the flowers are wilted and dead.
If feelings were of crystal, drag them out of me and place rocks instead!
If the mind can't get over you, reboot my thoughts and snatch them out of my head!
And if dreams never come true, just torch this useless pillow and this damned bed!

If I stay here, a happy future for me is something I will never ever get!
If I go away, there are a million possible other if's that I will regret!
If I place a bet on us, I swear on my life that I will sadly lose this bet!
And if I can have only one wish, I would wish that we had never met!

If I say something or another, the opposite you swear is true,
If I try to come closer and make this work, all I am is angry and blue...
If I work on building trust, I'm bombarded with doubts by you!
And whatever can pain me or humiliate me, you so gladly do!

To be continued...

Please... No More!

Tears burning tired eyes of brown,
I wake up with an aching frown...

Tiny icicles scratching my throat to muteness: I can't speak,
I hate it when you make me feel this fragile and weak!

Thoughts of black running through my head,
Maybe it should have been you instead!

The power you have over me you use so skilfully,
You break my tender soul and you do it willfully!

Like a tick you suck the blood out of my heart,
Yet I bleed and ache in agony when we are apart!

I am so sick of this cycle to the point beyond any despair,
You feel nothing towards anything yet you act like you care!

And I feel like walking away, every day I do,
I contemplate a life so far away from you!

Then again I come back, missing your illusive embrace,
Craving the color of your eyes and the grin on your face!

Please... I beg you, no more, no more!
I am dying from my head to my core!

Subtle Purity...

Underneath layers of human flesh and bone, a certain warmth I've never felt before exists...
Where there is gloominess, sadness and pain, a serene smile on a glowing face so restfully sits...

Subtle purity wrapped around you changing you from the usual plain human presence,
Something about you shines so bright, something beautiful untouched in your essence...

If I hadn't known better, a child of light I would assume you were, an angel roaming earth,
May "God" in all his definitions protect you and bless your parents for this sacred birth...

I wish you endless joy with every breath you take for your peace has unusually touched my heart...
Yet I wonder how this goodness I could not see and how I almost resented you at the start!

(To be continued)

Divided We Are...

You and I, in different worlds we live, as one yet divided,
What to do next? Where to go now? It's always undecided...

You steal my smile and replace it with sizzling tears which tickle my sight,
Too long has passed that I seem to have lost my sense of wrong and right!

They blame me for you, their words, my heart, they penetrate,
Blinding me to my faith in love and pushing me towards hate!

Divided we are, you and I, no matter how close, so far we are apart,
I should've seen the signs from the beginning, walked away from the start!

Like bee stings to skin, your carelessness aches my soul as warm as could be,
You insist that whatever I do for you, you are you and I am, just me...

And as the music plays for my heart beats to dance in sorrow,
I inhale my misery and feel, simply, utterly and unbelievably hollow...

Divided we are, living as two, no past to look back to, no present to live,
Even the future has a dead end for us, regardless of all I have to give...

Three Hearts, Not One...

Some people have it easy, they live with one heart, more than often a barely functional one: unable to feel too much, love too deeply and therefore they give too little while forcing you to believe that it is all that they can give and it should be enough!

My curse, the real sorrow that breeds within the layers of my soul and my very existence, is the fact that I have 3 hearts and not one...

Where are they situated you might ask? Well, it is humanly possible to have more than one heart! Yet, within this heart that pumps blood, anger, sorrow and pain to each part of my body, there exists two smaller hearts that break and heal over and over again, endlessly, indefinitely...

Not only do those 3 hearts beat and break, they also love deeply and hurt painfully, 3 times more than anyone can!

The joy I feel, I feel so plenty and the sorrow I feel multiplied, intensified and heavy!

Take away my hearts, all of them, and leave me with none, for I am tired of love and pain... I am tired of you... I am tired of me... I am tired of this cycle of yes and no and maybe...

Quivering Incertitude...

All is well and good. Not really, but maybe at this point things are getting a little bit clearer than they were and have been for the past, hmm, 2 years (what seemed to feel like an eternity!) Now I know for sure: nothing will ever be the way I want it to be, or even close and many of those who are around me now need to be replaced as soon as possible!

I am uncertain about everything and nothing at the same time. Caught up in the web of intermingled emotions that are screaming for haven in every single direction!

I am a mess. A subtle mess, mixed with a dash of interlaced hopes and enchanted uncertainties!

What is next? What is right? What is wrong? What is real? What is fake? Where did I lose my way? How will I find it? What is my way anyway?

Hate, love - love, hate... This is how I feel towards everyone and everything around me... With no exclusions or exceptions...

Anger? Nothing but an emotion, which if unexpressed, builds up a volcano waiting, secretively, to explode!

Happiness? Overrated, unattractive, non-existent! Whatever glimpse of happiness-like feelings you might ever feel are short-lived and also surreal, as if made from the silky threads of your demented imagination!

And then, there is the "damned if you do, damned if you don't" theory... Basically, in simple terms it means that whatever you do, you are blamed for something or the other!

"If you try to be good, you are accused of being a hypocrite; if you are plain, you are mean!
If you say the truth, you are penalized; if you lie most probably you'll be caught and punished too!
If you try hard, you're being too easy; if you don't try hard, you don't care..."

And so on!

But who can draw the line? I mean really, who can decide what to do, with whom, where, how, why, why not and so on?

How can you pick your battles? How can you know who is really on your side and who will end up screwing you over?

I rest now... unrested... tired... hyper... baffled... worried... concerned... lost... found... here.. there... everywhere...

Missing, craving, wanting, needing, hoping, wishing, waiting... most of all aching... emotionally... nothing more... nothing less...