Her Statement... (Cont'd)

Due to the fact that my last post titled "statement" was perceived to be "not so clear", allow me to elucidate…

This post is really a two-sided coin… It touches upon two parallel subjects: life and dreams (conjured realities)…

I will talk about life first but briefly because I have mentioned my view about it many a times!

As many perceive it, life is a whirlpool; an endless road; a never ending challenge… And I agree… Life throws at you all those struggles and tests which you are supposed to pass and overcome with hard work and resistance in order to attain what Maslow referred to self-achievement, in his hierarchy of needs…

Through this struggle, we tend to lose ourselves at some points, break down at others and we sometimes even get to a point where we really consider giving up hope… This is where conjuring realities steps in…

For years now, numerous stories have been told about "witches" and black magic all trying to conjure spirits to serve them in their own benefits (whether they are good or bad is besides my point)…

The act of conjuring a reality stems from the need for another scope, another view; another hope…

If the girl I refer to in "Statement" chooses to conjure to her own reality which is loaded with colorful rainbows and yellow butterflies then it should be known… She will not give up even if that means she will spend her time alternating between her "real" reality and the one she chooses to conjure until her "real" reality improves!

Her Statement...

Brimming with a newly founded hope she made up her mind with a one simple statement…

"There is nothing wrong with conjuring my own reality as long as I have the magnificent faith it demands and the huge mad energy it requires…"

Not An Ordinary Morning...

This would have been just an ordinary morning, just as eventless as any other for the past few days yet destiny "cooked" up a little surprise for me, one which I would like to share with you…

My usual morning routine is simple: I get out of bed, put my PC on, go to the kitchen and make my "special" Nescafe, get a couple of biscuits and go back to the PC to check my e-mails, facebook and my blog…

This morning, I got out of bed, put the PC on, made my coffee and without further thought, I took my coffee and grabbed a book in one hand and a chair in another and went outside to the balcony…

I set my chair down, opened my book and laid back in that not-so-comfy little chair…

The warm sun gently kissed my cheeks and the words that I read tenderly cuddled my soul…

There I was all alone yet not feeling lonely for the first time in a long time…

There I was playfully caressing nature…

There I was, embraced by nature's powerful presence…

Out of nowhere, this cute yellow butterfly flies by, lands on my shoulder, stays for a few seconds and then goes back on its way…

I smile… I truly smile from deep inside with one thought in my mind:

This definitely means something good is coming my way and all I have to do is open up to be able to take it in…

An Endless Stream...

A stream of questions attacks me now and all I can do is taste their bitterness…

I breathe out cautiously in order to safely free them from my mind which is holding them captive…

How could you hold on to someone's hand for long when it keeps slipping away?
When will you find your right path? When will you really find your way?

How could you please those around you when from within you grieve?
Will the day ever come when you'll just give up and cease to believe?

Why is sadness the opposite of happiness and it remains there no matter what we do?
Why do they keep pushing you away and why can't your feelings get through?

How could they cope with all the suffering they live when the least we can't swallow?
How could we not allow ourselves to falter and keep ourselves from being hollow?

How could we rise above the agony, chaos and melancholy of the nights ahead?
How can we keep seeing the colors of life: the bright yellow, the fresh green and the deep red?

Till when will we fight to be all what we can and want to be?
When will they see the beauty that lies within you and me?

Take Me Away...

Take me away,
To a better day,
To a brighter beginning,
And a brand new day…
Show me the way…
Let us make pretend and play!

Take me away from here,
To a place so dear,
Where waterfalls sway,
And where you could be near…

Take me back to an unbroken heart,
To an end yet unwritten,
To an unexpected start,
Where you and I would never be apart…

Take me now for I can't wait any longer,
And I know that beside you I can be stronger…

Let's face it all together hand in hand and side by side…
Whatever may come,
It takes two to face it all, no need to ever run and ever again hide…

Scene 3: An Empty Room

The Setting:

A small cold room with wooded floors…
A window on the right side of the room overlooking an empty street, a big old tree and a few parked cars...
A table next to the window… A chair parallel to it…

You can see a laptop and a mug on the table, and a mobile phone on the window sill…

Sunlight enters the room through the window's opened glass…

No one is there…

A few moments go by…


"Excuse me boss, you have a text message…" The mobile phone announces!

She suns in from another room, picks up the phone and stares endlessly at the mobile screen…

A lonely tear runs down her face…

It was him again… After all that time which passed, he still remembers her…

Though his words were neutral and his inquiries were rather formal, she could feel his concern for her and she knew she was blessed to have him in her life…

She sat down on the chair and gazed out of the window of her room and into the windows of her sad soul and her tired heart…

She remembered all those fights they had over and over again about the silliest things they could muster!

She recalled all the painful words they managed to use against each other so skillfully yet unintentionally…

She reminisced the years that have gone by without being able to hold on to the one thing they both believed in: their relationship…

The untainted, unusual, out of the ordinary relationship they together watered and watched grow and blossom…

Another tear…

This one even felt warmer and shone brighter with the reflections of the sun…

She wished for a different series of events, a better situation where she could go on to nurture what they had…
She lays down the phone on the table this time…

She opens a new word document and her laptop and eagerly starts typing away her thoughts in order to close the windows again of her aching soul and fatigued heart…

Morning Break Without You...

Another morning break materializes from beyond the realm of the sky…
I hear the last whisper of his voice bidding me sweet dreams and then goodbye…

I fear again my bed; empty and cold, haunted with nightmares and dire dreams…
I wish for happy thoughts to fill my soul with serenity and never ending gleams…

Underneath the same sky we both lay many hundreds of miles apart…
Carrying the same ache for a new beginning and an unsoiled fresh start…

Yet again I carry the burden of the unknown with all that it may carry and be…
I dread the what, the how, the why; I tremble of the thought of me losing me!

Another morning break engulfs me with snug feelings of belonging and love…
I see the birds dancing on the tree branches outside my window and up above…

I fear again the autumn; the clouds are secretly creeping in to the rear mirror view…
I pray for the not-so lasting familiarity of the streets and side walks I once knew…

Over the same grounds we both walk yet millions of steps won't place together …
I despise the speculations, the anticipations and the changing weather…

Yet again I pull myself together and I swallow my fears and doubts with unease…
I take in the rays of the new born sun and I playfully cuddle and embrace the breeze…

Her Romeo...

He made a sudden appearance in her life, caught her by surprise, and blew her off her feet while she was off guard, and unprepared…

She was then alone, so tangled up in her troubles, so angry and upon his appearance on the stage of her life she felt something undeclared…

He had the warmest smile, the gentlest touch, the deepest eyes and said the truest of words…

She felt his passion, submerged herself in his love, drank his sweetness and sang in utter joy with the humming birds…

He showed her a different aspect of life, one which he played the role of her Romeo; her white knight…

She was able to feel peace now that he was close; she was able to enjoy every day and embrace every night…

He taught her how to love with all her heart and guided her to giving more and more…

She felt safe and secure and believed in herself and the good in the world more than any time before!

He then vanished, packed his suitcase and walked out the door and never came back!

She felt shattered, abandoned, abused and her blue skies turned into a dreadful black…

He never gave any reasons for why he left, never explained, didn't even send a message or even leave a note!

She was just left there in the middle of the ocean of her deceased happiness, stranded alone on her misery boat!


They could have had it all: the happiness, the hopes, the dreams and the prefect love…

Instead now they are only a story that people who knew them speak of!

Dedicated To A Family...

This piece of writing carries great feelings of gratitude, appreciation and admiration for a family… A family which I feel is my own…

Take a long breath and read… You will probably feel the same at the end…

Today is October the 1st, 2007.

I am not back home in Amman…. I am not back home in Beirut (where my house was burnt down)… But I am somewhere I feel safe and I feel I belong in…

On September, 2007, a month ago, the world's population was measured and was found to be an approximate of 6.7 billion – and counting of course. Why do I mention this? Because I want you to think for a moment, out of those 6.7 billion, how many have you actually met? How many have you ever seen? Whether on the street, at a concert, in a restaurant, on the beach, while watching the news, etc… What is the percentage of people you have actually encountered and held a conversation with relative to those you do not even recognize their existence?

This brings me back to the golden question: what is the probability that you meet 5 people, a family, who is able to have such a great influence on your life out of all those billions and billions of human beings around the world?

Is it good luck? I highly doubt it, since my luck has been playing cruel games with me lately… It is destiny… Destiny which now I have so much faith in…

I might have done something right along the way to get this in return…


Think with me for a second…

Many of us do things because we simply have to: for example, we eat because we need the energy from food, we work because we need money to live a decent life, we go to class because we need to pass and get our certificates, and we act respectful around those we might hate because we respect ourselves, etc.

Now tell me: how many people do you know give without expecting anything in return?

Words could be my only valuable possession which I can give now… And I give them to this family…

To…

The Mother: Whose sincerity fills my soul with peace…The Cousin: Whose words have made me see life so differently…The Little Princess: Who gave up her sanctuary to make me feel at home…The Chef: Who makes the best omelets and Kraft sandwiches I have ever had!The Director: Who is slowly directing a newer, happier play scene of my life…

I am grateful to have met you…..

Life & Its Levels...

In life, there are a billion things that you could think about, a million more that you could analyze and try to explain, I am sure many of them you will never find an answer for and many others will keep you feeling confused, angry or even hollow…

Today, this very amusing yet unnerving thought crossed my mind… Allow me to share it with you…

Basically, as I was so deeply lost in my daily ideas and contemplations, the idea of life and its "levels" occurred to me… I will elaborate…

Without even realizing it, life is of many levels in every little thing we do and every place we go… Whether you are buying the business class or the economy class ticket on an airplane, or attending a concert while seated in the VIP area or standing in the "regular" area, whether you are cruising in a new 2008 posh car or just using your 1980 car to get to work, whether you go to a five stars hotel during your "monthly" vacation or you just settle for a bed in a friend's apartment…. It is all levels…

Moreover and on a more social level, you are either an employer or an employee, a lover or a beloved, a liar or a person being lied to and the list goes on forever…

Now, what is the major thing which differentiates us in life? What is the only thing that can make our existence worthwhile? Is it the money we spend? The level of education? The power we have?

I guess not…

It is all about who we really are and what we want from people and from life… It is about our morals, values and beliefs and what we opt to achieve… Everything else holds no substantial meaning, all other factors will eventually vanish one day… Our core is what truly will matter at the end of the day… When night time comes and as we lay our heads on the pillow and try to fall asleep… It is the clear conscious we are able to sustain knowing that we are on the "right" track…

The levels will eventually disappear into vacuum…
We are what we choose to be…

تعا نلعب لعبة جديدة أنا و أنت
بهاي اللعبة أنا رح احكي و أنت رح تسمع و حتى لو "تصغي" بكون أحسن

أنا رح احكيلك عن كل شي متل ما جربت أعمل أكتر من مرة بس على الفاضي لأنك كنت مش معي!هالمرة اسمعني: يمكن تفهمني و يمكن تقدر تعرفني

دايما بتقول انك ما بتعرفني... اسمعني و يمكن نحل هاي المعضلة
مش رح أحكيلك أدب و لا فلسفة ولا رح أتعمق بالأحياء و الجغرافيا
بعرف انك بتكره الرياضيات و كمان ما رح جرب أضرب و أجمع أو أطرح و أقسم
بس اسمعني
اسمع بكيانك! اسمع بعقلك! اسمع بقلبك! اسمع بالوعي و باللاوعي! بس اسمعني
سنين و أنا عم جرب أشكيلك همي حتى صار همي الوحيد انك ما بتسمعني
هي ساعة أو أكتر شوي لتقدر تحسني
أنا تعبانة و بدي تسمعني

بس اسمعني

تعا هون، قرب أكتر حتى ما تروّح و لا كلمة بفوضى الحواس

خليني أحكيلك عن بلدي فلسطين و بلدي الأردن و بلدي لبنان و حنيني اللي دايمان بيحرقني لإلهم

خليني خبرك عن حبي و وفائي و انتمائي لكل بلد منهم و بنفس الوقت اسمعني و أنا عم بشكي عن كيف بحس حالي غريبة عنهم

اسمعني

و أنا بشرحلك عن ألمي اتجاه ياللي عم بيصير فيهم
اسمعني
لما احكيلك عن طفولتي المسروقة من الأيام و عن عمري ياللي ضيعتو لهلأ و أنا بركض ورا سراب و أحلام
اسمعني
و صدقني الاشيا مش دايما سهلة و مش كل شي إلو حل
و ضمني لما خبرك انو عندي نقص حنان: حنان الأسرة و حنان الوطن و حنان الأمان
اسمعني
بس هاي المرة و أنا عم بحكبلك عن الحب اللي ضاع من دون سبب و عن البيت اللي أنا و نايمة فيه زهق و احترق
اسمعني أنا و عم ببكي الذكريات الحلوة و البشعة... و أنا و عم اصرخ على الكوابيس و بنادي على الفرح اللي انسرق
اسمعني

With All My Heart...

I know how far you are, I can feel the distance between us now…
It breaks me that I can't be there for you or maybe not knowing how!
The plot thickens every time I try to untangle the knots and get closer to you…
It shakes me to feel your anger, your pain and the thought of you being blue…
So many people expect so much from me now and I just can't let them down…
It troubles me those tears you shed, that sad face, that frown…
I pray today for a miracle customized to heal my own dilemma and take it away…
I pray now, I will pray tomorrow and I will keep praying with each passing day…
The days go slow now that your not here and memories grab me and pull me back…
I have all the will in the world to make things right but the tools to do so I lack!
Obstacles keep showing up and mutilating each plan I make…
Yet I still can differentiate the real from the fake!

I am alone in this and there is no one to hold my hand through…
But I know that if I fall someone will catch me and that someone is you…

Silent Accusations...

Someone asked me today about my "theory about life"… He accused me of being a negative and somewhat of a self-destructive pessimist…

I tend to disagree…

Looking back at my life, the days, months and years that have passed, the tears and agony that I was forced to suffer, the guilt that is tangles deep within every breath, the troubles I've had to face, the bad luck that I ran into, the lies that I had to discover and the chaos I had to survive, I see myself as a fighter… A tired yet strong fighter…

It's true, I don't perceive life in fancy bright colors and I don't close my eyes to see rainbows, green meadows and butterflies but I do enjoy the beautiful moments in life whenever they come my way… I do enjoy music, all music, in every possible way: whether I close my eyes and listen to it or I dance the night away on its beats… I enjoy meeting new people and knowing them better… I love exploring new places, feelings and I always have goals which I aim to achieve… I enjoy a walk by the beach, a good movie and a long meaningful conversation… I enjoy learning about everything…

Does that really make me negative? Surely not… Yet, what makes me different and makes you, him or her think of me as a pessimist is the fact that I do realize the difference between what is real and what is fake… I do know that nothing is perfect and yeah, life is harsh! And I know for a fact that a smile in the morning will not stop the pain from approaching or the disappointments from appearing…

I am a realist… One which could turn into a stone cold heart or an emotional wreck yet I still am on my feet, on the road of life, fighting…

Destiny: The Head Chef

While sitting in the kitchen earlier this afternoon, this funny yet logical idea occurred to me… I let it sink in well and here I am presenting it to you… Enjoy…

Now, we all know that different people hold different positions and jobs in life… Well, life itself and destiny also have a job too. I am not very well able to define life's job scope or its skills yet I think I have managed to find the right job description for destiny.

Let me lay it down in a CV form in order to spice it up a bit!

Name: Destiny
Current Address: Nowhere and everywhere… Mostly found in people's minds and faith.
Date of birth: Too long ago.

Required Position: Head Chef

Skills:

- Ability to cook great coincidences to bring people together.
- Ability to make great changes with the simplest ingredients.
- Ability to create constantly changing recipes of happiness, sorrow, joy, pain, disappointments etc…

Availability:

At all times if you believe.



I know this post lacks a lot more ideas and that is why I will stop here and allow you to use your imagination…

Dedicated To A Special Someone...

"No one can bring me back to life now…" Those were that words he said last to me…
He never spoke of happiness, of a new beginning or how it would feel to be free…
Free of the pain, free of the aches and free of her mostly and foremost…
And all I could think of was how I could hold his hand and lead him to the calm and safe coast…
I could feel the little child inside of him, see him there shivering and so scared…
I knew he is taking in so much that his heart overflowed yet he rarely shared!
In his music he hid, behind the screen, and watched the curtains of his life fall…
Never believing that someone along the way could come and help him through it all…

"Come here; stand a little bit closer, I know how you feel…"
I said over and over again but he couldn't distinguish the fake from real…

I take a deep breath, I shed a tear and I let out a sigh…
I feel defeat and disappointment which I can't deny…

"Beautiful people like you have the right to be happy and feel love…
They have the right to feel the joy of life and the peace from up above"…

Meaaaw!

Scene 2: In Between The Sheets

She changed into her night gown and slowly slipped underneath the sheets…

Now, she had him there all by himself, all for herself…

He whispered to her words that only she could ever hear… He spoke with ease yet loaded with different questions and emotional disputes…

It was late now and she was finally alone with him… And as it often happens, the late night time is the only time when she regularly listens while he just speaks to her… Sometimes all through the night, until the break of dawn…

He asked her:

"Don't you think you've had enough by now? I mean all the hurt and all the pain? I've been there to watch you crumble and plunge… I've seen yours tears fall, so many times, over your cheeks and die while touching your neck… I've felt the pain you have felt… Don't you think it's time for you to give up?"

Oh the silence of the dark, dark night…

She shifted, curled up and tried to change her sleeping position, maybe then she won't hear what he is saying because she has heard it all before: the blame, the guilt, the emptiness, the hopelessness and the disappointment…

She then took her pillow from underneath her head and covered her head with it… But with no use, her mind just kept nagging for an answer…

She finally gave up, and faced him with an answer:

"I still believe in the beauty of love… I know it's hard to find… But what is life without taking that chance? Leaping to that mountain ahead? Walking that extra step?

"But, but what about the pain? What about the…"

She interrupted ….

"Granted, all those tears made it harder to see the splendor which love can bring… All those fights make it difficult to hear the sweet words of love which are whispered in your ear… All those doubts and heart breaks make it sometimes almost impossible to swim in the oceans of emotions, bathe in the showers of passion and drink from the glasses of pure, untainted and untouched feelings… Yet, it is better to love and be hurt than never to feel the power of love… Don't you agree?"

The summer's cool breeze finds its way through her window and slowly creeps up to tenderly touch her face… And outside, she can hear the trees scheming for their late night flamingo!

Now… she just lays down there, feeling so exposed, she finally confessed… Did he already know?

"Of course I knew… And for years, I've been trying to knock some sense into you! But alas, all my trials have obviously failed!"

She now faced another dilemma… How can she convince him of something she no longer could feel, or at least haven't felt in a long time?

With hesitation, she asked:

"Don't you remember the happiness we felt before? The anticipation of the moment where two lovers' eyes meet? The warmth that fills up both of them upon a soft, gentle touch on the hand? Don't you remember the joy of spending time together, doing anything, no matter how simple? How during those times the concept of time and place just vanishes and people fade away? How everything seems so easy and doable? How peace just cuddles you?"

A sarcastic grin then he goes on to say:

"Oh yeah I remember… I remember very well… That temporary insanity! That fake feeling of wellness and divided happiness… I also remember how easily they could be shattered and broken into pieces by the smallest of actions and simplest of words…"

I guess it's enough for now… She thought…

She got off of her bed… Snuck up to her drawers and took out a sleeping pill…

As she slipped into her bed once more, she swallowed the pill and hoped for a good night sleep…

Half an hour has passed…

She hears nothing… She feels nothing… She finally can not think…

She is falling into deep sleep now… "Café Del Mar" playing in the background…

Scene 1: Alone With Him

She sat him down, on the sofa, by her side and looked deep into his eyes…

This night was going to be different, she could feel it… She had so much to say and she was ready to let it all out…

She could clearly see the smile which aims to mask his confusion… She could see the anticipating that filled his voice… She will not wait any longer; it's time to confess what she held inside for so long…

Gently, she took his hand and spoke her mind:

"My desert-island, all-time, top three most memorable break-ups, in chronological order are as follows" (and she named them for him, first name first then followed by the family names!)


"Those were the ones that really hurt. I can't see your name on that list, can you see your? Maybe you'd sneak into the top six, but there no place for you in the top three. Sorry!"
– She cleared her throat and went back to saying:
"Those places are reserved for the kind of humiliations and heartbreaks that you're just not capable of delivering.

That probably sounds crueler than it's meant to, but the fact is, we've been through so much, each on his/her own pace and through his/her own experience to make each other miserable! You see, long ago, unhappiness used to actually mean something. Now it's just a haul like a fever or being temporarily broke!

If you really wanted to mess me up, you should have gotten me earlier!"

He looked at her with a blank face; waiting for a sentence or a signal that there is more to come… More to explain… Maybe hoping for a little optimism…

She felt his perplexity so she hurried up to continue and said:

"I'm worried about my abilities as a lover! I mean after all the things I have been through, after giving up so much, taking my chances with him, fighting for the other and being the biggest loser, I currently run the risk of believing that there is anyone worth spending the rest of my life with!"

Long pause…

"Number one… Let's call him H.A for the sake of ease… Well, he was one of the people who really meant the world to me… He had to do no effort to make me happy; him being there, alive and well was the only reason I needed to feel peace with myself and my surroundings… I gave up too much for him… I did all that I could ever do to make him happy… I really did! I'm not just saying that! I stood by is side like a mother, like a sister, like a friend… I knew he could never do the same for me – the smallest of things he would never do, not because he couldn't, just because of his highly expanded ego! Well, he found another and another and another and easily let go of me… Just like that… And believe me, I've waited… I've waited for him to come back because I knew no one would love him more and take him with all his faults… I knew it… But that didn't matter because he never came back…"

A sigh… A tear…

"Yeah, well that is gone now… We're not even friends anymore… Though I worked hard on keeping that at least!

Number too? Mr. Career-oriented I can't work and be in a relationship F.M! Well, six months and it was over… With all its beauty and all its potential, it was over… He moved on too quickly… He skipped town for a better job opportunity…"

Well… I won't talk about number three because I think you understand what I mean now…

I wish I could be one of those girls who don't call back, the kind of girl that gets broken up with and appears not to give a shit!! But I am! I never had the heart for the rejection conversation! And I never will!

But if I had to take a wild guess, I'd say that I'm pissed because I know I'm stuck with you, bound to you, and I don't like it. That dreamy anticipation you have when you're fifteen or twenty that the right person for you, the most perfect person in the world might walk into your store or office or friend's party at any moment... That's all gone, I think, and that's enough to piss anybody off. You are who I am now, and it's no good pretending otherwise!"

Those were the last words she said…

The scene ends with the same sting… The same characters… The end is yet undefined…

Taking The Chance...

As I sat there, feeling the water caress every part of my body and the sun touching my face and arm so gently, I realized something, something I have never ever really thought of before: how life is about taking that chance, going that extra mile…

Squeezing yourself in a corner, away from people, away from life's main stream will get you no where… Granted it will keep you away from being hurt, lied to, played or manipulated yet it will, eventually, fill your head with negative thoughts, alienate you from your society and deprive you of the true meaning of happiness…

It's all about accepting that coffee invitation, making that call, going to that place, doing things you usually wouldn't do because you're just scared people will talk, afraid you'll bump into him/her or worried that you won't have fun…

No one can predict, beforehand, how things will turn out…

It's all about taking that chance… A least, later on you can say: I tried… I put an effort… I fought hard for my happiness (even if you fail!)

Summer's Early Goodbye...

Summer is slowly drifting, calmly slipping away…
I call for it, I beg and pray…
"Please, please don't leave, I beg you please stay"…

The leaves are turning yellow and brown…
I see my face draw a sad frown…
I tremble and shiver; I feel I'm breaking down…

Memories and speculations are all I have with me…
Rain drops outside is what I'm starting to see…
I ask everyone to just let me be…

The cool autumn chill creeps up my spine and face…
I am all alone missing the warm embrace…
I drift into emptiness and I stare into space…

The clouded sun waits again to shine once again…
I hold on so tightly and swallow my pain…
As I watch the good days run down the drain!

Now I sit here and wait for the rain to wash away the dust…
I can see the iron covered with rust…
I know I should go, I really must…

Through the chanting of the trees I hear your name…
I can feel the distance; I can taste the blame…
I crumble and I burn in my own fading flame…

Long Gone Days of Glory!

How I miss those days of smiles, games and fun…
Days when everything was easy; we'd hold hands and run!
How I long for those nights when I lay my head on the pillow and fall in deep sleep…
Nights that didn't know the meaning of loneliness and where nightmares didn't dare to creep!
How I pray for those days of love to find me once more…
For my "prince charming" to come knocking at my door…
How I hate this bundle of confusion that I'm left with these days!
This meaningless anger that aches me in different ways!
How I want that peace of mind and happiness I feel I deserve…
That pure joy and bliss and a new life's curve!

No more words to be said now, just silence left to linger on…
Like I did before, I will wait for those things to come along…

Hide & Sleep...

He wished he could just run away from the troubles and pain…
He wanted to just hide and sleep!
He felt that there was no profit he could gain…
The pain hurt him so deep!

They all pressured him to be better; they knew he could do more…
They felt that this phase he's going through is hard to ignore…

She stood there by his side and tightly held his hand…
She told him it will be ok, she will always understand…

He still refused to embrace what she offered and instead chose to be alone…
He fought her away with every breath, his flesh and every bone…

She cried and cried and felt so defeated…
She believed together they could beat it!

Now only silence is left behind and no one dares to speak…
She will not surrender and he will keep feeling weak!

His Surrender... Her Sorrow...

He made a sudden appearance in her life, caught her by surprise, and blew her off her feet while she off guard, and unprepared…
She was then alone, so tangled up in her troubles, so angry and upon his appearance on the stage of her life she felt something undeclared…
He had the warmest smile, the gentlest touch, the deepest eyes and said the truest of words…
She felt his passion, submerged herself in his love, drank his sweetness and sang in utter joy with the humming birds…
He showed her a different aspect of life, one which he played the role of her Romeo; her white knight…
She was able to feel peace now that he was close; she was able to enjoy every day and embrace every night…
He taught her how to love with all her heart and guided her to giving more and more…
She felt safe and secure and believed in herself and the good in the world more than any time before!
He then vanished, packed his suitcase and walked out the door and never came back!
She felt shattered, abandoned, abused and her blue skies turned into a dreadful black…
He never gave any reasons for why he left, never explained, didn't even send a message or even leave a note!
She was just left there in the middle of the ocean of her deceased happiness, stranded alone on her misery boat!

They could have had it all: the happiness, the hopes, the dreams and the prefect love…
Instead now they are only a story that people who knew them speak of!

Forgive Me World For I Have...

Forgive me world for I have failed!
Failed to recognize the beauty bestowed in your twists and curves…
Failed to hold on to my dreams and to nourish my soul as it deserves!
Failed to believe in the "good" of people after so many losing rounds!
Failed to find some peace upon them and failed to locate our common grounds!

Forgive me world for I have lied!
Lied about being strong and invincible; lied about being not scared…
Lied about not caring about all the rumors people spread and shared!
Lied about being able to "do it alone" with no one there to take my hand…
Lied about finding my real home, my haven, my true home land…

Forgive me world for I have cried!
Cried to the days and cried to the nights…
Cried because of all those endless fights!
Cried not knowing the pains others may have felt…
Cried until my eyes became red and welt!

Forgive me world for I longer could fail or lie or cry…
I no longer could bear disappointments, shames or another good bye!

It's Been Long...

It has been so long since I sat down behind this cold screen and decided to write…
I feel like it was in another life, a lifetime I somehow left behind…
It feels as if it was ages ago the time I put up, against this life's hardships, a good fight…
As if my reoccurring nightmares were able to get the best of me and forced me to hide…
Everything still feels so unreal now, like I'm living in an endless dream…
Shadows and faces haunt my every thought, taking me back to where I was…
A million ideas looping around my heavy headed head and I stop to scream…
But my voice is a silent choke and the world is brought to a pause…