"Paradise"...

Once upon a year gone by
She saw herself give in
Every time she closed her eyes
She saw what could have been
Well nothing hurts and nothing bleeds
When covers tucked in tight
Funny when the bottom drops
How she forgets to fight... to fight

And it's one more day in paradise
One more day in paradise

As darkness quickly steals the light
That shined within her eyes
She slowly swallows all her fear
And soothes her mind with lies
Well all she wants and all she needs
Are reasons to survive
A day in which the sun will take
Her artificial light... her light

And it's one more day in paradise
One more day in paradise
It's one more day in paradise
One last chance to feel alright... alright

Don't pretend to hold it in just let it out
Don't pretend to hold it in just push it out
Don't you try to hold it in just let it out and
Don't you try to hold it in you hold it in

Once upon a year gone by
She saw herself give in
Every time she closed her eyes
She saw what could have been

A Little Thought...

Here's an expression for those of you who are "generous" with their tears:

I was in love with him/her TEARS ago…
OR

I got over him/her TEARS ago…Etc.

What do you think?

"One Last Goodbye"...

How I needed you
How I bleed now you're gone
In my dreams I see you
I awake so alone…

I know you didn't want to leave
Your heart yearned to stay
But the strength I always loved in you
Finally gave way…

Somehow I knew you would leave me this way
Somehow I knew you could never, never stay
And in the early morning light
After a silent peaceful night
You took my heart away
And I grieve…

In my dreams I can see you
I can tell you how I feel
In my dreams I can hold you
And it feels so real…

Could Things Get Worse?

I still can't believe that this much can happen to one person in less than 5 hours!

This is what happened to me today between 12:30 p.m. till 4:30 p.m.:

I had this excruciating pain in my abdomen that was killing me…
Everyone left the house...
I made one of the "scariest" and most vital decisions in my life and I needed to talk to someone, anyone, just to vent…
There was an electricity cut off (so I had no access to TV, Internet, anything!)
My phone ran out of battery and I didn't know anyone's number by heart!
My second phone was out of credits and I didn't know my other number!
I was still home alone, getting more frustrated; more pain was resulting from the stress…
The only friend's number that I was able recall "could not be reached"!
I couldn't leave the house because some people were supposed to come and see it (and none showed up since the morning!)

I was on the verge of losing my sanity! I mean really, how could that many "messed up" things happen to one person in such a short period of time? And more importantly, why???

Too Fragile To Be Titled…

A young and very dear friend of mine called me tonight struggling to get out his words through the echoes of his throttled tears… He called to say he lost a friend of his a few hours ago in a car accident and needed someone to talk to…

Deep inside, I felt this sudden urge to cry to him, to drown in my own tears while I open up my heart and tell him what "black" thoughts have been juggling around my head recently…

The idea of death itself does not scare me, not when I think of it in relation to me. I am just scared "to death" that those who I love will die before I do and I pray to God that this never happens because I do not see myself coping with that, no matter how strong I am…

The word death, in itself, is such a ghastly word; its definitions do not seem to bear more ease either.

In the dictionary, death is defined as:

The permanent end of all life functions in an organism or part of an organism.
The event of dying or departure from life.
The time when something ends.

Before I go no, kindly keep in mind that I am not attempting to address this subject from a religious view, I am only seeking to arrange my million thoughts into words in order to bring myself some "closure" maybe.

Back to the main subject…

Why do you think we cry when we lose someone permanently?
Why is it so hard to believe that life could so easily be "terminated"?
What is the "right" way to act around a person suffering from that kind of loss?
Why can some of us cry when we lose a loved one while others can't?
When does the pain of this loss cease? Does it ever?

I will stop here and hope that this post does not bring back painful memories to any of you…

I apologize in advance for any negative connotations…

Thank you again for being so patient with me…

To my dear friend: As I told you, I am here any time you feel you need to talk… I do promise to be a shoulder to cry on, a good listener and a warm and loving embrace…

Love: Finally Defined...

Have you ever fought for something so solidly until at one fracture of a second you realize that you were fighting for the wrong thing?

I have always thought about love in different ways and gave it various definitions. In countless lines and lines I have described it and glorified it and condemned it. On many occasions I have called for it, begged for it and on numerous others I have wished for it to disappear and to just "leave me alone"!

Tonight, after all those days and nights that have passed, after all the tears and joy I have felt mainly due to or as a result of love or a loved one, I think I have finally found the "real" definition of love according to who I am, what I believe and my experiences…

What is love according to me?

Simply, love is not respect, loyalty, care and understanding. These four elements could be found in any relationship between any two people or even within a group of people (colleagues at work are an example).

Love is when two people BOTH feel that they are meant to be together, that they are made for each other. It is when two people instinctively believe that destiny has arranged their meeting and brought them together for a purpose. Then, and only then, are these two people able to truly and sincerely be there for each other, give "the best of their best", compromise and sacrifice. If those conditions are not met then the road for those two will eventually get to an end in a very short duration and time sphere; everything done within that duration will be useless!

Thoughts: Soul Chokers

Choking, I literally jumped out of bed, sat facing the computer screen, grabbed the keyboard and started typing away the thoughts suffocating my soul…

I don't think at this late hour I am mentally able to formulate logical and grammatically correct paragraphs so I will put those thoughts into short sentences… Thought Number 1: Have you ever been in a place, amongst a crowd which you were the most "beautiful" and "attractive" one out of but you deeply felt inside that you were in reality just the most miserable? I have…

Thought Number 2: I hate the fact that I never "hung around" anywhere long enough to make real friends and solid friendships, not a job, not a school, not a country…

Thought Number 3: Should I give leaving Jordan more thought? I mean are 8 months truly sufficient for me to know that I can not adapt? Moreover, would leaving mean more painful farewells and broken bonds?

Thought Number 4: Why is it that when one asks for too little he/she doesn't get anything? While those who want so much seem to get most of it?

Thought Number 5: Have I been a good friend to those who consider me a friend? Could I have done more, been more?

Thought Number 6: Where is the thin line between jealousy and being obsessive? Who defines that line?

Thought Number 7: Every successful person learns something new every day, what have I learnt for the past few days, weeks or months? (I do not mean on the work level because as before, academics and work have always been the best I can achieve in!)

Thought Number 8: Is it true that nothing has it all? Is that why pretty girls are stupid half of the time and the other half are just simply unlucky?

Thought Number 9: When is it time to move on and just let go? I mean when does a person reach his/her true "breaking point"?

Thought Number 10: Could I ever be or will I ever be happier, more satisfied, more relaxed, and safer? Because if the answer is no then: why the struggle?

Thought Number 11: I should go to sleep but I simply can not right now!

Thought Number 12: What is each of my readers going to think or feel when they read this particular post? Is it going to annoy or upset anyone? Will someone deduce that I am really depressed or will another think I am just letting off steam?

Thought Number 13: When are we going to move to the new house? Will it bring the family closer or tear them more apart?

Thought Number 14: I really feel like a Nescafe right now but I'm scared that if I have one, combined with all those thoughts, I won't be able to sleep for a week to come!

Thought number 15: How could some people actually act and speak as if you are not there? As if you don't exist?

Thought Number 16: Will I be here when my six months pregnant friend comes back from Oman? Will I be there when she has her first baby?

Thought Number 17: Where will I be in two months? Surrounded by whom? Eating what? Doing what? Feeling how?

Thought Number 18: Do mistakes from the past keep haunting us till the day we die?

Thought Number 19: Do I affect anyone's life either positively or negatively? How?

Thought Number 20: After all I have been through, why do I still have trust in people? Why do I over expect? How can I still be this sensitive?

Thought Number 21: When will the day come for me to achieve some of my dreams – my little secrets?

Thought Number 22: Is the way I'm living my life now a reason for the delay in my dreams' execution?

Thought Number 23: I probably should stop typing now because I guess this post will be amongst the longest I have on my blog (and I know how people get bored of reading long posts!

Fading into Oblivion...

In an attempt to overcome the oblivion, she decided to let go of her fettered heart…
The fear of what's to come captivated her senses and ripped her dreams apart…
Faded pictures of smiles and of sunny days halted her every step and stride…
She knew that from her tainted memories there was no place to run or hide!

No more parties in the moonlight or dancing till the sunrise…
You could see no more tears of joy in her weary and poignant eyes…

In an attempt to burry those thoughts of pain somewhere she couldn't even find!
The anxiety of the struggles and disappointments ahead could not be left behind…
Fading sounds of delirious cries in the background held her back once more…
She was sure that she might find something better – or worse – behind that new door!

What A World!

The "Beard Championship"!

While millions of people are so tied up in their daily life routines and trying to juggle between their homes, jobs, families and their own personal space, others still do find the time do be creative and spend their time creating different cuts for their beards!

In Germany, REUTERS/ Alex Grimm reported the following event:

Some 200 participants from all over Europe took part in the International German Beard Championships in southern German village of Schoemberg March 24, 2007. The competition was held with different categories of moustaches, chin beards, whiskers and full beards. In the picture above, Willi Chevalier from Sigmaringen poses for this competition.

"Dear Life"...

I hope you enjoy these lyrics as much as I did…

"Early was the morn,
Flowers filled with dew,
I became somebody through loving you,
Softly as a child,
Born in natural rain,
I predict the seasons to go unchanged,

Sometimes in life,
You run across a love unknown,
Without a reason, it seems like you belong,
Hold on dear life,
Don’t go off running from what’s new,
I became somebody through loving you,

Warm was the sun,
That covered my body, soul,
Reminded me of you as I first known,
Those were the days,
The days that changed my life and made me new,
I became somebody through loving you,

Sometimes in life,
You run across a love unknown,
Without a reason, it feels like you belong,
Hold on dear life,
Don’t go off running from what’s new,
I became somebody through loving you,

As the sun shines...down on me,
I know with you my love is where I want to be,
Oh sometimes I go on through life thinking that love is something that’s not meant for me.."

أريد أن أكتب و أكتب و أكتب
ليس عن موضوع محدد و من دون أن أقصد أحدا بالتحديد
أريد أن أخلع عني معطف الحسرة و أرتدي أحلامي و آمالي و أمضي قدما
ليس إلى وجهة أعرفها و لا هي تعرفني بل نحو الغريب
أريد صدقا و حبا و نظرة الهام و أريد تلك اللهفة من جديد
ليس منه هو و لا من ذاك بل من الحياة ذاتها و من البعيد
أريد أن أجري مرحا و أبكي فرحا و أغنّي شعرا
ليس لمدة قصيرة ولا لبضعة أيام بل لسنين و سنين
أريد شيئا بل أشياء كثيرة لا أعلم كم عددها و لا أين أجدها
ليس لأنّي ضائعة بل لأنّي أعلم أنّي أريد الكثير الكثير

Dreams...

In the Dictionary, you will the find the following definition of the word "dreams":

"Dreams are the series of thoughts, images, or emotions occurring during sleep, particularly sleep accompanied by rapid eye movement. Dream reports range from the very ordinary and realistic to the fantastic and surreal. Humans have always attached great importance to dreams, which have been variously viewed as windows to the sacred, the past and the future, or the world of the dead. Dreams have provided creative solutions to intellectual and emotional problems and have offered ideas for artistic pursuits. A type of cognitive synthesis that facilitates conscious insight may occur subconsciously during dreaming. The most famous theory of the significance of dreams is the psychoanalytic model of Sigmund Freud; in Freud's view, desires that are ordinarily repressed (hidden from consciousness) because they represent forbidden impulses are given expression in dreams, though often in disguised (i.e., symbolic) form."

Due to my extended sleep from 4 p.m. last afternoon up until 7 a.m. this morning, I have experienced the "value" behind dreams and therefore thought I should write about them as a way of showing my gratitude to the night "companionship" they provide!

A while ago, almost two years back, I was really depressed and all I wanted to do is sleep, day and night. I remember that time clearly and I remember how dreams of obtaining something I wanted, of laughter and smiles or dreams of a better day, used to make me feel better and give me hope. I also remember that after that period, I faced terrible insomnia which was really exhausting for almost two months or so.

Now, back to my latest dreams…

What I loved most about my most recent dreams is how in them, everything is just the way it should be, just what I want it to be! All those ideas and thoughts that bottled up my head up during the day were transformed into manifestations of action during my sleep:

I saw those whom I miss, went to the places I want to be, felt the peace that I should feel… Everything was right in its place, where it should be… I further saw "solution" to some of the problems I have been facing!

Thank you dreams… Thank you sleep…

Sleep Overdose!

Good morning everyone… It is now 7:16 a.m. according to the local time of Jordan – Amman.

I am currently experiencing a very strange yet old feeling that is a result of way too much sleep (way more than any normal and healthy human being needs)!

I have so much to say, so much is going on in this little yet complex head of mine but I will not reveal anything so I will not cause anyone to be "angered" or even "slightly upset" from me.

All I will say this morning is I have overdosed on sleep due to my lack of ability to react, talk, argue, comment, or do anything that requires will and effort! I am completely and utterly numb to the world around me…

I really hope that you all have a better start for your day…

A New Favorite Quote...

“Creativity is piercing the mundane to find the marvelous.”

A Three % Increase!

Recently, I have been told that my posts are increasing almost around three percent per month on average. Therefore, this post is especially dedicated to explain what the reasons behind this increase may be!

Well, first of all, I guess I have more free time on my hands these days due to the fact that my working hours are less and that I spend a lot of time at home in the evenings.

Second of all, I have been doing a lot of research lately in different fields, mostly marketing, yet through this research I tend to come across different terms that trigger an idea or a thought.

Finally, and as importantly, I think I am experiencing the same level of stress, anxiety, anger, happiness, disappointments, sadness etc., yet the need to share those with people is getting bigger or the number of people who I used to share those feelings with face to face has suddenly decreased due to "macro factors"!

Nothing Can Beat This Smile...

Nothing can be purer, cuter or more sincere than a baby's eyes…
It can make my soul sing and take away all the tears and the silent cries…
Nothing can be sweeter, warmer or more peaceful than a baby's smile…
It could lift my spirits up and make me strong when I'm on the edge of feeling fragile…

I think all babies are so innocent and so beautiful… Just as butterflies…

One day, I hope I will have my own (though he/she will not have blue eye and will hopefully have curly hair like mine!)

Double Standards & Balance...

I guess you all have heard this term being used on several occasions and you must have your own opinion regarding it… Allow me to share mine with you…

First of all, let me be clear on one point, I do not, in our society at least, believe that men and women should or could be treated equally. This is by far something close to impossible!

Now, the thing I do not agree with is those "double standards" that a boyfriend, a fiancé, a father, a brother or a husband sometimes lays for his girlfriend, daughter, sister and so on, especially if the female was at an age and a maturity level that allows her to make "right" and "mature" decisions regarding her whereabouts, her acquaintances and her way of dealing with people and situations.

Honestly, I am the kind of girl who sees jealousy as a very important element in a love relationship and I actually consider it as a way to demonstrate love and care yet I do not favor being "told what to do and what not to do" on the basis that I am a female!

I guess the idea I'm trying to demonstrate is how unfair society could be to females not due to the fact that they are less mature, less capable or inferior and only because they are "females" although I know many of them, like my mother for example, who can actually assume both the female and the male role in life and in building and maintaining a family.

So tell me something: why the double standards then?

"Breath" Lyrics...

I see nothing in your eyes, and the more I see the less I like.

Is it over yet, in my head?

I know nothing of your kind, and I won't reveal your evil mind.

Is it over yet? I can't win.

So sacrifice yourself, and let me have what's left.
I know that I can find the fire in your eyes.
I'm going all the way, get away, please.

[Chorus:]
You take the breath right out of me.
You left a hole where my heart should be.
You got to fight just to make it through,
'cause I will be the death of you.

This will be all over soon.
Pour salt into the open wound.

Is it over yet? Let me in.

So sacrifice yourself, and let me have what's left.
I know that I can find the fire in your eyes.
I'm going all the way, get away, please.

[Chorus:]
You take the breath right out of me.
You left a hole where my heart should be.
You got to fight just to make it through,
'cause I will be the death of you.

[Bridge]
I'm waiting, I'm praying, realize, start hating.

[Chorus:]
You take the breath right out of me.
You left a hole where my heart should be.
You got to fight just to make it through,
'cause I will be the death of you.

Strangers...

It amazes me how some people, whom you have never seen before, can make a difference in your life…
Those people who you accidentally "meet", those whom you have never heard their voices or seen in person, they can really change your way of thinking and your approach to things and life… They can even bring to life feelings or dreams that you thought were long deceased!
I guess at some point in time you think you have everyone around you figured out and that you know their responses to certain questions and reactions to certain actions yet those who are "strangers" from you, you can never so easily figure out thus they help you or even encourage you to think differently and act accordingly!

A simple answer for a question from a stranger can open up your eyes to the fact that not all people are the same and that you really should not lose faith in life and people because there must be, there should be, someone out there who could understand you and share your thoughts and feelings…Life is still ahead packed with loads and loads of surprises…

The Morning Breeze...

I left the house, locked the door behind me and headed on my short morning trip to the main road…
Today, for the first time in two weeks, I felt something I haven't felt in years…
I felt the cool breeze play with my hair, gently caressing every lock as the sun touched my face softly and tenderly…
I could see my hair shine in different colors, and I could see the trees sway and shine as well…
I wish I could have those days back again… Those days in Beirut… When I used to feel this sensation every single day as I walked to university or to my work, or even when I went shopping…

I guess you never realize the value of what you have until you lose it…

Words I Wish I Wrote...

"I carry the things that remind me of you
In loving memory of
The one that was so true
Your were as kind as you could be
And even though you're gone
You still mean the world to me…

I've never knew what it was to be alone,
Cause you were always there for me
You were always there waiting
But now I come home and it's not the same,
It feels empty and alone
I can't believe you're gone…"

Changed? I Guess Not!

I guess that whoever said that "old habits die hard" was a mastermind!
I finally believe this statement and every other quote similar to it in both Arabic and English!
No one ever "really" changes or changes his/her habits… It requires a strong will and so much hard work that I don't believe anyone is willing to do!

Nature Effect...

Whenever the world is sad and gloomy, only nature can make it a better place…
You can see how the wind playing with my hair can so easily draw a smile on my face…
Looking at the starts, watching the trees sway and feeling the gentle spring breeze…
It can take my mind off all the painful memories and can put my soul at ease…
Nothing can be warmer than nature's love and embrace…
Nothing can be greater then nature's beauty and grace…
As I sat there contemplating the sky, the stars and the lands that extend below…
I could feel the wickedness of the world fade and the rapid events of life merely flow…
Nothing can compare to the peace I feel in my heart when I am surrounded by nature's splendor…
It makes me feel so alive, so pure, so soft and so tender…
Once again, I stand in awe for this great present God has sent…
I thank God for every breeze, every tree, and every flower with a sweet scent…

To My Friends...

There is no bigger pride than that which results from seeing how you are able to inspire people to do something "good" for them or for others.

I am so happy to see many of my friends writing more and more these days and I really think that I do have an important role in inspiring them to do so!

I pray that I always motivate all my friends and those I care about to be all that they can be…

Baby Vs. Family...

At one point or another, each and every girl and woman, will play around with the idea of getting married and having a baby of her own…

It is not a secret that all females are born with a maternal instinct: "an inborn tendency to want to protect and nurture one's offspring." This instinct may be one of the greatest reasons why we, females, tend to have this bond with every infant we meet!

The reason behind me raising this issue now is due to the fact that many females I've come across seem to fancy the idea of getting married just because they want to give birth, they want to have a baby of their own. The idea of marriage in itself has become so insignificant to them, the magical story of two people falling in love, getting married and starting a family together, does not seem to impress or attract them!

It is sad, really, how our own experiences with the world, especially the "wrong" type of men, and those stories we hear from others, can actually hinder this rather strong notion of wanting to build a family and replace it with the single desire of having a kid!

I can recall the exact words of one of those girls while she talked on and on about men, her experiences and her disappointments. She said to me: "Now, after all that, all I want is to get married for the sake of giving birth legally! Then, the man can just go, and I will handle everything on my own. I will be the mother and the father and I will provide my baby with all she/she needs. I don't need a man in my life!"

Has the time to really think that way come? I mean if the smart and beautiful women end up thinking this way, which end is our world heading towards??

Beautifully Stated…

"Home is family. Home is safety. Home is faith. It is the place that helps define how we see ourselves and how we choose to make our way in the world, the blueprint of our lives…"

I Wish I Was A Butterfly!

Boyfriend & Dating... (Defined by Wikipedia)

I have always thought of the terms "boyfriend" and "dating" in different ways and connotations. Today, I have decided to define them, in an unbiased matter, in order to gather your personal opinions about those two terms.

Boyfriend:

Scope:
The term is most commonly used to describe any male person, who is in a romantic relationship with any other person of either gender.

Such non-marital relationships are also sometimes described as a significant other or partner, especially if the individuals are cohabitating. The differences between all these terms are subjective and their usage is ultimately be determined by personal preference.

Word History:
The word itself is relatively new -- its first usage in print known to the Oxford English Dictionary is in George W. E. Russell's Collections and recollections, by one who has kept a diary, in 1909.
In the past it had implications of an illicit relationship (as sexual and romantic relationships outside marriage were generally frowned upon). It is now a generally accepted term, however, no longer having negative connotations. An earlier usage in print, dating from July 1889, is discussed in Neil Bartlett, Who Was That Man? A Present for Mr Oscar Wilde. On pages 109-110, Bartlett quotes from an issue of The Artist and Journal of Home Culture, which refers to Alectryon as "a boyfriend of Mars."

Dating:

Dating is the activity of looking for a suitable partner for an intimate relationship. The word refers to two daters agreeing on a time and date when they can meet and engage in some activity, thereby assessing their suitability for one another. Typically a person may date many different partners during the same time period in order to have the best chance of finding their most suitable available mate. As in the marketplace, liquidity is essential for all participants to achieve the best outcome available to them.

Driving Alone 140 Km/Hour…

Yesterday was the first time I experience such a feeling, on the way to the airport, alone in the car…
Driving 140 Km/Hour, feeling the adrenaline rush, the fear, and feeling some kind of relief being from the world too far…
Music so loud, seat belt on, my thoughts chasing after me at a higher speed…
Hoping to feel more at ease, hoping to feel free from pain and from need…
Everything seems so illusory passing me by so quickly, the world feels so unreal…
The people, the cars, the road and the trees appear to be figments of a painting rather surreal…
In the midst of it all, memory flashbacks come to me; they place themselves on the passenger's seat…
I become more aware of my senses, my every breath and my every stumping heart beat…
At the end, I reach the road where speed is no longer an option for me to take…
I slow down, I end my rush, and smoothly those memories I begin to shake…

Attention Please...

A small note to all my readers:

I would really like you to know and understand one very important issue:

My blog is not, in any way or by any means, a place where I try to offend or insult anyone. It is not as "anonymous" stated: a "crime scene".

This blog is the only way for me to vent and talk about what is bothering me and what is going on through my rather "intricate" brain!

Every reference available here to anyone is not about this him or her as a person, it is about how I feel towards the events or situations that cause me to be uncomfortable or sometimes hurt.

As you can see, my blog does not speak one color, it addresses as many issues as my mind manifests. It is a reflection of me to myself and those who take the time to know who I am and what my current thoughts revolve around.

Any comment here, whether it be positive or negative, is simply a reaction to what I wrote about what I feel. It is not an attack on the person the post might refer to indirectly.

Thank you all for understanding!

Beebee…

Mind & Body...

I have been meaning to write about this subject for a long time now but I didn't quiet know how to approach it exactly, until today, when I woke up feeling very stressed and my stomach started aching me so badly!

Therefore, the objective of this piece of writing is to explain the strong and rather complex relation between the mind and the body and how every action in the mind can possibly have a reaction on the body: Psychosomatic disorders.

"Psychosomatic disorder is an illness whose symptoms are caused by mental processes of the sufferer rather than immediate physiological causes. If a medical examination can find no physical or organic cause, if an illness appears to result from emotional conditions such as anger, anxiety, depression and guilt, then it might be classified psychosomatic.
Very often, psychosomatic illness is influenced by external factors or players. Severe stress caused by factors in work, relationship, and family are known to cause dehydration, stomach or headaches, eczema, nausea, incontinence, or loss of hair."

From this definition, it is obvious that there could be a very strong correlation between the mind and the body i.e. the psychological state and the physical state can be highly interrelated.

It seems rather strange and somehow interesting how those reactions differ from one person to another and from one situation to the other, which I guess makes each individual the "unique" entity he/she is.

Personally, I tend to greatly suffer from the strong relationship my mind has with my body! Moreover, most of the physical pains I get, whether in my stomach, in my left arm or as a headache, seem to be all results of stress, anger, sadness or even extensive thinking of certain "complex" issues!

On the other hand, I know many people, friends and acquaintances, who do not specifically have this reaction towards stressful or anger related issues.

Finally, I just have one to add one point. I do condemn these reactions though I rather appreciate them! I condemn them because they are painful and they have caused me to enter the hospital on several occasions! Yet, I do appreciate this relation my body and mind maintain, it is, as I feel, wholly and sacred.

A Cup Of...

Have you ever been invited to a cup of coffee?

Of course you have! But guess what? I've been invited to a cup of "morning happiness"!

Can you beat that?

What a cute phrase!

Hope all my readers get a morning cup of pure happiness every day!

I'm off to work…

Jumbled Thoughts...

Have you ever sat around, waiting, for hours, for a phone call?

I am quiet sure, at one point or another, you must have…

Well, personally, I HATE waiting, but what I hate most is when that thing I'm waiting for turns out to be nothing I hoped for, so far away from what I have expected and not even close to what I needed!

I feel silly sometimes, really, I do…

I feel so childish because I have those impossible little dreams of a perfect life, a perfect home, a perfect relationship, and above all, a perfect love…

Hehe, "love", what an overused word to a rather almost nonexistent concept! I don't even know what "I love you" means anymore because I guess people say it all the time, in different occasions and most of the time for the wrong reasons or simply because they do not grasp its importance or grace anymore!

Back to me, well, this "dreamy, utopian" world I live in, or used to live in, I can't really make up my mind about that, where do you think it always got me? I'll tell you, nowhere!

Now, I look back at those years and I look at what's going on with me now… nothing is different, other than the names, the place and the faces…

Anyway, enough thinking for one day…

Good night world…

"Nothing Compares to You" (I love these lyrics)

It's been seven hours and fifteen days
Since you took your love away
I go out every night and sleep all day
Since you took your love away
Since you been gone I can do whatever I want
I can see whomever I choose
I can eat my dinner in a fancy restaurant
But nothing ...
I said nothing can take away these blues,
'Cause nothing compares ...
Nothing compares to you

It's been so lonely without you here
Like a bird without a song
Nothing can stop these lonely tears from falling
Tell me baby where did I go wrong?
I could put my arms around every boy I see
But they'd only remind me of you
went to the doctor guess what he told me
Guess what he told me?
He said, girl, you better have fun
No matter what you do
But he's a fool ...
'Cause nothing compares ...
Nothing compares to you ...

All the flowers that you planted,
In the back yard
All died when you went away
I know that living with you baby was sometimes hard
But I'm willing to give it another try
'Cause nothing compares ...
Nothing compares to you

A Few Words About Mom...

Ok, so enough anger and depression for a while… Let me tell you about someone really precious I've known my whole life… My mom…

Well, before I go into details of why she is such a "unique" mom, I want to get this off my chest: I still can not comprehend the reason behind mom "nagging" to me about getting my license when, up till this morning, and after I got my license, she refuses to give me her car!

Now that I got that out of my system, let me tell you, just a little, about my mom…

Mom is one of the most hard working and determined women I have known in my life… She has a strong will to live, to give and do her most…

Though she hides it so well, mom is also one of the most warm-hearted women God has created… She is so sweet and caring (I know that because I see how she plays with our old and crooked cat, Lara – he's a male by the way!)

I guess I feel some kind of guilt because my relationship with mom has never been even close to "perfect" except when I was living abroad… I remember how she used to send me potatoes to Lebanon sometimes (and we all know how Lebanon does have that at least!) I also remember her calls and how she used to ask about my grades then everything else! And right before hanging up, I could feel the pain in her voice, which she tried to hide all the time, I could feel that she misses me, the "not so good" daughter, and I could feel how much she needed me to be strong… From all the way here in Jordan, she was the only reason for me to always try to do my best and be the most I could be…

Now, mom is sitting, working as usual, because at some point in life I guess, work becomes an escape from anything and everything… Even from us, her children!

On Mother's Day, today, I just want the whole world to know that although I complain about the car and about a million other things, I do thank God that I have my mom and I wouldn't want any other mom, not even a mom that cooks instead of working or one which has more time to sit and talk to me... No other mom can, could or would do…

I love you mom…

Question...

I have a question to everyone out there…

In human rights, isn't there something, an article or whatever, that states that: Human beings have the right to be happy??? If not, why?? It is as important as freedom of thought, of education, of food!!! Sometimes I feel it's even more important!

Just Another Morning...

Yeah well, this is just another morning… Nothing special about it, it is actually rather very similar to any other: a few shouts, many tears, more disappointments, enormous anger and deeper confusion!

It seems to me that things rarely change and people as well… Things just stay the same way they are… Our perception is what changes so we see the "bad" things as alright after a while and the "good" things stop having a meaning!

I know what you're going to say next: Beebee, why are you so pessimistic? Be more positive! Yeah, well you know what? I am so damn tired of playing cat and mouse with my destiny and with everyone involved in it! I am so sick of it all! I am sick to my guts from everything that has been going on recently that I feel that my insides are ripping apart!

I want to scream! Scream at everything that is causing this state of mind, I want to shout, curse, break, or just sit alone and cry… Cry like so many times before or maybe as if it was the first time I ever cry!

Nothing seems to have any meaning anymore… Nothing…

Lies, and more lies are all that I hear…

I am, yet again, so tired… SO TIRED!!!!

The ONLY thing I feel like doing right now is SCREAMING!!!!!

A Midnight Thought...

According to Thomas Merton, US religious author, clergyman & monk:
"The truth that many people never understand, until it is too late, is that the more you try to avoid suffering the more you suffer because smaller and more insignificant things begin to torture you in proportion to your fear of being hurt."

This quote will seem a bit complicated and relatively confusing when you read it for the first time. I must admit that I didn't really relate to it in any way the first time I finished reading it. Then, it made sense to me! It is simply so similar to the main reason for my blog and my "pessimistic" and rather "unpleasant" posts!

In a way, I do realize that suffering, in any form, is inevitable! I know though that the level and deepness of suffering varies from one person to another and from one situation to the other.

Therefore, and indirectly, my blog is a proof of the value of this quote. If you have been hurt and do expect to get hurt again then you do not waste your time fearing that moment to come, you sway along this life carefully yet with more "guts"!

Does this make any sense to you?

أقر و أعترف بالحب الكبير و المستحيل الذي أكنّه له في قلبي و في كياني
و أشهد أن ذاك الحب و مثله من قبل فد كان سببا لهواني
أقترب منه و أشعر بنار تحرقني و بإعصار يمحو أحلامي
أبتعد عنه و أحسّ بحسرة تلوي و تأسر وجداني
أعلم أنه لن يجد أخرى تكن له ذاك الحب و تلك الأحاسيس
و أعلم أيضا أنه لن يجد مثل دفء حضني و لا مثلي لليله ونيس
كلما جلست أمامه أتصفّح عينيه بحزن و بألم
و أخاف على أيامي من بعده, أخاف من الحيرة و الندم
أتساءل أحيانا: هل الحب سوى مسّ من الجنون؟
ذاك الذي من أجله نرضى لكل شيء أن يهون

لعلّها كانت تعلم بل تيقن أن الحب هو خلاصها الوحيد و عذابها الأكبر
بل و أيضا كانت تستدرك واقع و حقيقة نهايتها هي إذا انتهى ذاك الحب
كانت فعلا و حقا تلّم بموازين الحياة غير المتساوية
كانت أيضا تعلم أنه ليس كل من زرع خيرا حصد مقداره من الخير
و بينما كانت ترتشف قهوتها الصباحية و تلاعب أفكارها الجنونية
أيقنت أيضا أنها لم و لن تمضي مرحا في حبّها العظيم
فقط و لمجرد أن الدنيا لم تكّف عن اللعب لعبة الكلمات المتقاطعة معها بعد

Some Words About "Him"...

He was, simply, "one of the most beautiful people she had ever met, from both the inside and the outside"…
He wasn't the greatest man alive yet he had qualities that no other men had…
He spoke words of true honesty and walked tall with pride yet no ego…
He filled her days with smiles though he caused her mind to grieve…
He knew how to manipulate her in ways she had never known but she didn't mind…
He was, by far, the biggest mystery of her life, the best thing that ever happened to her, and the worst thing she could ever lose…
He understood her, more importantly; he understood himself and the world outside…
He was not perfect in any way yet all his imperfections turned him into this irresistible and somehow alarming personality…
He was a man, in every sense that that word can carry…
He had so much on his mind and always so much to do that sometimes she felt left behind yet when he was there, his presence filled her soul with a kind of joy she has never experienced before…
In a matter of months, he was able to place himself deep inside her heart so firmly that everything he did or might have done, seemed to fade away in the moment their eyes met…
His strength made her stronger, his ambitions challenged her, his smile melted years of sorrow the years have built…
He was unlike everyone she knew or anyone she could ever meet…
He was, simply, "one of the most beautiful people she had ever met, from both the inside and the outside"…

Things We Take for Granted...

A couple of hours ago, as I sat on the dinner table, in that cozy home, with that caring and loving family, a new subject was opened: Deafness and blindness, which is harder and why?

As I sat there, I sank into my thoughts and contemplations, wondering, if I was forced to choose between the two, which choice would I make?

My mind got so worked up, my soul stressed too…

I mean if I was deaf, what would I be deprived of?
How come we don't seem to appreciate the sense of hearing until we really think about things like that?
Why do we always take what we have for granted and forget to count our blessings?

I know that no matter how much I write about this, I won't ever be able to describe it well but I can only imagine this and this alone is too much for me to handle!

If I was deaf:
I wouldn't be able to hear the sound of the birds singing on a warm Sunday morning as I get ready to go to work…
I wouldn't be able to listen to the sound of the waves slowly moving towards the shore…
I wouldn't be able to hear and enjoy the music, any type or genre of music and hum or sing along…
As a child, I would be deprived of my mom's voice singing to me so I could fall asleep…
I would be deprived of hearing the voices of people who are sitting next to me in the same room…
I would be denied the right to watch any movie or series without having to read the subtitles…
I would be denied the right to hear the phone ring, receive or make a phone call…
I wouldn't be able to hear my boyfriend sing to me in order to cheer me up!

In other words, I would be robbed any audio connection with the world around me, deprived from many important feelings and sensations that come as part of hearing…

If I was blind:
As an infant, I wouldn't be able to see mom's face smiling at me with pride and joy…
I wouldn't be able to watch the sunrise or sunset, watch the birds fly, the sea sway, or the trees dance…
I would be deprived of knowing how my family members, relatives and friends look…
I would be deprived of walking alone in the street, watching the cars, the people and nature from around me…
I would be denied the right to use a computer, watch TV or even read a sign or a poster…
I would be denied to see the clothes I'm wearing, the things in my own room, and the color of my own bed sheets!

In other words, I would be living in constant darkness that will not fade away with a switch of a light or the beginning of a new day…

Lesson learnt:

I truly think that we should be grateful for the little things we never think of and take for granted because the loss of those could shatter our world and leave us so numb and broken inside…

Hugs? Anyone?

This post was inspired from a piece of writing a friend of mine posted on her facebook account… The main subject of her post was the importance of a hug! I will further talk about this and explain how important such a three letter word could be for millions of people all around the world, including myself!

A simple word could change our mood, an innocent smile is able to set our soul at ease, a hug can make us feel safe and fill our hearts with warmth once again…

What is a hug?

Even the dictionary recognizes the vitality of a hug through its definition of it:
A hug is an embrace; it is to squeeze (someone) tightly in your arms, usually with fondness.

As the encyclopedia states: a hug is "perhaps one of the oldest and most important forms of affection. Its roots can be traced to many thousands of years ago. It is not a feature peculiar to human beings alone as there are many species of animals, which engage in a similar exchange of warmth.
It's the exchange of warmth usually arising out of joy or happiness at meeting someone. It is practiced in almost all nations, countries, religions and sects.
A hug is also exchanged as a sign of support, comfort and love. It has powerful capabilities that can create lasting bonds of unquestionable strength."

Through generations, I believe that the hug, just like many things we do, was "passed on" to us in a way that never allowed us to think: Why do we hug our children when they are crying? Why do we hug our parents when we miss them? Why do we even hug our partners when we see them? Why do we hug our friends when they feel down?

As I see it, a hug is one of the rawest yet purest forms of affection. It is the fastest way to give and receive love, safety and support. What makes it really unique is that a hug may be one of the few ways that someone could give and receive love without any "sexual" reference.

Finally and after I have talked, and thoroughly, about his subject… Think about this:

When was the last time you hugged those who you love?
When was the last time you've been hugged?

Snowing in Amman...

Winter has decided to say its farewell with white and fluffy snow…
I look outside my window and watch the snow flakes fall and glow!
People are all inside their homes, covered with their blankets as they walk around…
Listening to the sound of the wind and watching the purity of the white snow touching the ground…
I can't describe how peaceful the snow makes me feel inside…
Yet some pain is far too deep for that beauty to take away or hide…
Those who were far seem to get farther and farther away…
Yet, I grab my coat and rush outside in the snow to play!
The question lies deep within my soul and my every heart beat…
When will peacefulness find me just like the snow found Amman, its every house, its every street?

Sleepless in Amman! Once Again...

The other day I was reading something I previously wrote and posted on my blog, it was called "Sleepless in Amman".

It struck me how much pain and sadness I carried in each word, how much anger and regrets I had…

Now, today, I don't think anything changed. I think that I am exactly where I was then, carrying maybe even more pain and sadness and deeper anger and worse regrets!

It seems to me that lately, everything I am doing is turning out to be a "huge mistake":

I am not being the daughter I should be.
I can not be the sister my brother needs.
I am not able to be the good friend I was.
I can not be the girlfriend I want to be.

How come everything is so gloomy and blurred and there is no sign of hope in the horizon?

Why is it that no matter how hard I try to be the most I can be I am right where I have once started, at point zero?

How come it is always my fault and I am always the one to blame?

Here I am, once again, "Sleepless in Amman"…

Wondering: about the next step, the coming day, the next ray of light…
Thinking: about the right way to carry my heavy stride…
Hating: the fact that I feel helpless and so confused…
Wishing: that this cloud of misery will soon pass me by…
Fighting: for the last breath of happiness I have left in my scarred soul…

Spoken from Experience!

A few words of advice for my friends and readers… These are from personal experience so I am not trying to philosophical!

Advice: Do not ever lend money, especially to relatives and friends.
Reason: It is the best way to lose them for good!

Advice: Do not give your complete trust to anyone, even if you think they are trustworthy.
Reason: Circumstances change people and what you thought you know about them might change as well.

Advice: Do not allow people to take you for granted, even those who are closest to you.
Reason: When people take you for granted, it will be much easier for them to walk out on you because they do feel that you will hang around waiting for them!

Advice: Set your priorities in life and do not let anything or anyone interfere in them, for any reason whatsoever.
Reason: When your priorities are flexible, you will end up bending them until you break!

Advice: Do not allow anyone to make you feel bad about yourself and what you have been through.
Reason: We are after all results of those experiences; they shaped us to be who we are.

Spider Solitaire!

As I sat in front of my PC, thinking about my life while playing "Spider Solitaire", a thought just crossed my mind… What would you do if you had the chance to go back in time and do things differently?

Well, sadly enough, as I figured out from this "mediocre" game: Whenever I failed to finish the game, each time I chose "Restart this game", I failed again and again! I never got it right!

So, if I want apply the same to my life, if I had the chance to go back and change the past, would I do things in a different way? Will things turn out to my interest? I really don't think so!

People: Their Lies & Masks...

Before I start typing away my thoughts, I want everyone who reads this to excuse my "harsh" accusations and maybe "uncalled for" stereotyping and again stress on the reason for this blog: expressing how I feel and trying to find some point of common grounds with those who might feel slightly or greatly the same. Therefore, in advance, accept my apologies…

People are made up not of cells, flesh and bone; they are made up of lies! Lies which vary in severity, size, weight and volume! Lies which differ when they come out as spoken words!

The larger, heavier and more severe the lies are, the worse that person is! The smaller, lighter and less severe the lies are, the better the person turns out to be!

People spend their whole lives wearing masks! I will list 3 types below:

Animal masks: used by Africans to connect with the spirit of the world.
The shameful mask: to hide stupidity and ignorance.
The iron mask: used for torture.

As I believe, people nowadays mostly wear the "shameful" masks to hide not only their ignorance but their lack of feelings and their constant need to mock others and their feelings. Only a few hundreds use the iron mask as a way to torture themselves for the mistakes they or others made.

So, what am I getting to you might wonder?

According to me, people try so hard to hide who they really are from each other because they know; deep inside, that they are liars by default! Only those who reveal themselves to others find out that they are similar and therefore they can connect!

Why would I say that?

Well, this is the morale of two recent stories I've experienced recently (putting all other stories aside!): It is really easy for people to say words because words don't cost anything, they are free of charge! Yet, when it comes to actions, which supposedly speaks louder than words, people "chicken out", "back down", or accidentally remove their masks to reveal their REAL priorities!

Our World!

As I rummage through newspapers, new channels and I in silence I fall!
Our world feel like its crumbling down, we are all blinded and in thrall!
Innocents are killed every single day for no reason or rationale…
Ethics lost their way and people misplaced their morale!
Everyone cares for the one and only thing they believe in "themselves"!
They stack everything and everyone else, just like books, on old shelves!
The world lost its virtue and tears just keep running down but no one cares!
No more shouts for salvation, no more silent prayers!
This world has become a jungle where only the fierce can survive!
Tenderness, love and purity can no more hold on and for recognition strive!
The beauty of everything was stripped and all that's left is ugliness and sin!
A true smile was obligatorily replaced and substituted with a sharp grin!

So tell me something now, if the world outside has turned against us what can we fragile humans do?
How can we face what's to come, the bad, the evil and the sin? How can we pull through?


*Thrall: the state of being under the control of another person.

My Sun Is Gone!

My sun didn't stay around for long… It decided to walk out on me after one day!
I tried hard to keep faith in my heart, I tried to hold on to it, I begged it to stay!
Seems that my sun went to look for someone else to shine its warmth upon…
And just as it fled away my smiles, peace and cheerfulness were simply gone!
My sun must have felt the enormous pain that in my heart creeps and dwells…
It must have heart the shrieking of the haunting memories in my cells!
My sun must have tried to hold on but found out that it will be in vain!
Just because my world is so filled of sadness, tears and rain!
Can I blame my sun? Can I call it selfish and use bad names?
Can I ask it to stay around with me and bear my anger's flames?
What should I expect from my sun after all is said and done?
When the closest people to me just left me here undone!

Others People's Words That Apply to Me...

"These days, I feel so BLACK...I just hate it when I need someone so bad, from my experiences; I believe that staying alone in the corner is better than engaging with people who are wearing Masks...
I hate it when I need someone so much...but what I hate most, when I try to hold a hand and be rejected... it hurts...yet I can not shed a tear or speak about it...
I don't know why does it have to be this way, but I hate it when people who are very close to me do not understand me...and do the same mistakes they did to me although I cleared it...maybe it is just so much fun to torture me, isn't it?
Many things happened to me lately, most of them are tough and painful. Many of them remind me of the scary childhood memories I had...
I have not cried from a month or so! I mean, I cannot really cry from my heart...yes I may cry but it does not ease the pain I am feeling...I can not cry really bad like I used to anymore...I hate this...
It's like all the things that hurts me gathered together, and now they formed a HUGE mountain of pain and hurt that sets on my heart and weakens me slowly everyday...
I lost all my defenses..."

Never Fading Pain...

Do you think there is anything more painful than pain itself?

Well, I do:

I do believe that the only thing more painful than pain is not finding anyone who could "feel" your pain… Not being able to trust any person to share your pain with… Someone who will truly care, someone who will empathize and stand by your side no matter how bad the situation is… To hold your hand, to give you a shoulder to cry on, to be all ears when you feel that you need to talk, to offer help, support and advice when you are in need of it because your head is too messed up to think straight!

Pain, as well as pure moments of happiness, needs someone to be shared with or else the pain will take so much time to fade and the happiness will fade at once!

Think about it…

For Reasons Unexplained... (Lyrics)

Everything was going so well
I don't know what happened
A smashing sound and suddenly
I'm falling to the ground….

If I had just held on for once
If I had been more
Confident in myself
Maybe less afraid of everything
If you had not been painful for me
If you had been more honest with me
I might have made it….

Sorrow comes again
For reasons unexplained
I come to you
But I am not the same
You sense my fear
Tell me it's ok
A cross to bear
I pull to far away ….

All the world can see right through me
I feel shattered and paralyzed
Mistakes have been made that left me
Crashing through the ice
I feel so alone…

If I had just stood up for once
If I had walked right out the door and into
Something more than we could get
If you had only learned how to stop
If you had been more than you are
Then maybe we could have survived…

Without regrets
Without the same tired thing
I will release you
Like shooting stars
Of who we are
Of who we were then…

Bio-Art & Bio-Artists...

I have recently read this article which I found very remarkable… Here's a part of it… Enjoy…
"Bio-artists use live tissues, bacteria, living organisms and life processes to create works of art that blur the traditional distinctions between science and art. Most of these works tend toward social reflection, conveying political and societal criticism through the combination of artistic and scientific processes."

My Sun....

The sun shined on the 3rd of March, 2007….

This is the first time it makes an appearance on this day: My birthday…

I hope that it will bring to me all the warmth I need to go on….

I pray that this will be a new beginning….

I am grateful for being loved….

I am actually indebted for being alive…

For the first time in years, I feel pure serenity….

Thank you sun… Thank you all….

The Fragility of Humans….

I want you to read this and contemplate on how short life is and how all the "strategic planning" and "tactical forecasting" in the world could not stand in the face of destiny!

"By the time Deamonte's aching tooth got any attention, the bacteria from the abscess had spread to his brain, doctors said. After two operations and more than six weeks of hospital care, Deamonte died…"

The boy died from a simple tooth ache… Think about your life and think about how fragile we humans are and try to live your life to the fullest because at any moment in time, you could lose it all…