Choking, I literally jumped out of bed, sat facing the computer screen, grabbed the keyboard and started typing away the thoughts suffocating my soul…
I don't think at this late hour I am mentally able to formulate logical and grammatically correct paragraphs so I will put those thoughts into short sentences… 
Thought Number 1: Have you ever been in a place, amongst a crowd which you were the most "beautiful" and "attractive" one out of but you deeply felt inside that you were in reality just the most miserable? I have…
Thought Number 2: I hate the fact that I never "hung around" anywhere long enough to make real friends and solid friendships, not a job, not a school, not a country…
Thought Number 3: Should I give leaving Jordan more thought? I mean are 8 months truly sufficient for me to know that I can not adapt? Moreover, would leaving mean more painful farewells and broken bonds?
Thought Number 4: Why is it that when one asks for too little he/she doesn't get anything? While those who want so much seem to get most of it?
Thought Number 5: Have I been a good friend to those who consider me a friend? Could I have done more, been more?
Thought Number 6: Where is the thin line between jealousy and being obsessive? Who defines that line?
Thought Number 7: Every successful person learns something new every day, what have I learnt for the past few days, weeks or months? (I do not mean on the work level because as before, academics and work have always been the best I can achieve in!)
Thought Number 8: Is it true that nothing has it all? Is that why pretty girls are stupid half of the time and the other half are just simply unlucky?
Thought Number 9: When is it time to move on and just let go? I mean when does a person reach his/her true "breaking point"?
Thought Number 10: Could I ever be or will I ever be happier, more satisfied, more relaxed, and safer? Because if the answer is no then: why the struggle?
Thought Number 11: I should go to sleep but I simply can not right now!
Thought Number 12: What is each of my readers going to think or feel when they read this particular post? Is it going to annoy or upset anyone? Will someone deduce that I am really depressed or will another think I am just letting off steam?
Thought Number 13: When are we going to move to the new house? Will it bring the family closer or tear them more apart?
Thought Number 14: I really feel like a Nescafe right now but I'm scared that if I have one, combined with all those thoughts, I won't be able to sleep for a week to come!
Thought number 15: How could some people actually act and speak as if you are not there? As if you don't exist?
Thought Number 16: Will I be here when my six months pregnant friend comes back from Oman? Will I be there when she has her first baby?
Thought Number 17: Where will I be in two months? Surrounded by whom? Eating what? Doing what? Feeling how?
Thought Number 18: Do mistakes from the past keep haunting us till the day we die?
Thought Number 19: Do I affect anyone's life either positively or negatively? How?
Thought Number 20: After all I have been through, why do I still have trust in people? Why do I over expect? How can I still be this sensitive?
Thought Number 21: When will the day come for me to achieve some of my dreams – my little secrets?
Thought Number 22: Is the way I'm living my life now a reason for the delay in my dreams' execution?
Thought Number 23: I probably should stop typing now because I guess this post will be amongst the longest I have on my blog (and I know how people get bored of reading long posts!
Thought Number 1: Have you ever been in a place, amongst a crowd which you were the most "beautiful" and "attractive" one out of but you deeply felt inside that you were in reality just the most miserable? I have…Thought Number 2: I hate the fact that I never "hung around" anywhere long enough to make real friends and solid friendships, not a job, not a school, not a country…
Thought Number 3: Should I give leaving Jordan more thought? I mean are 8 months truly sufficient for me to know that I can not adapt? Moreover, would leaving mean more painful farewells and broken bonds?
Thought Number 4: Why is it that when one asks for too little he/she doesn't get anything? While those who want so much seem to get most of it?
Thought Number 5: Have I been a good friend to those who consider me a friend? Could I have done more, been more?
Thought Number 6: Where is the thin line between jealousy and being obsessive? Who defines that line?
Thought Number 7: Every successful person learns something new every day, what have I learnt for the past few days, weeks or months? (I do not mean on the work level because as before, academics and work have always been the best I can achieve in!)
Thought Number 8: Is it true that nothing has it all? Is that why pretty girls are stupid half of the time and the other half are just simply unlucky?
Thought Number 9: When is it time to move on and just let go? I mean when does a person reach his/her true "breaking point"?
Thought Number 10: Could I ever be or will I ever be happier, more satisfied, more relaxed, and safer? Because if the answer is no then: why the struggle?
Thought Number 11: I should go to sleep but I simply can not right now!
Thought Number 12: What is each of my readers going to think or feel when they read this particular post? Is it going to annoy or upset anyone? Will someone deduce that I am really depressed or will another think I am just letting off steam?
Thought Number 13: When are we going to move to the new house? Will it bring the family closer or tear them more apart?
Thought Number 14: I really feel like a Nescafe right now but I'm scared that if I have one, combined with all those thoughts, I won't be able to sleep for a week to come!
Thought number 15: How could some people actually act and speak as if you are not there? As if you don't exist?
Thought Number 16: Will I be here when my six months pregnant friend comes back from Oman? Will I be there when she has her first baby?
Thought Number 17: Where will I be in two months? Surrounded by whom? Eating what? Doing what? Feeling how?
Thought Number 18: Do mistakes from the past keep haunting us till the day we die?
Thought Number 19: Do I affect anyone's life either positively or negatively? How?
Thought Number 20: After all I have been through, why do I still have trust in people? Why do I over expect? How can I still be this sensitive?
Thought Number 21: When will the day come for me to achieve some of my dreams – my little secrets?
Thought Number 22: Is the way I'm living my life now a reason for the delay in my dreams' execution?
Thought Number 23: I probably should stop typing now because I guess this post will be amongst the longest I have on my blog (and I know how people get bored of reading long posts!
2 comments:
dear beebee;
you have lotsa steam!
i have had similar moments my self. recently i was awake at night with my own troubled thoughts.
i had a friend that i vented to.. when i woke up in the morning i felt refreshed. today was a better day than yesterday.
that was just one friend, but i must admit i'm a little jealous at you.
you have so many friends here to vent to. :)
sometimes asking the questions is the answer, or at least an answer if more than one is required.
sometimes asking the questions might be the only answer you get.
(It's 8:24pm here, not quite bed time, but i think i might have been bitten by your thoughts and started rambling myself)
trust me, us fugly people have been asking the same questions you beautiful people ask. we don't get much better answers. :P
let me ask you, when you place you fingers on your keyboard; how do you know what words to type?
isn't the act of placing your hands on a kbd a question in itself? when you pick up a pencil or pen, are you not asking a question?
touching your keys or placing pen tip on paper and writing is also an answer in itself.
these very simply acts are both questions and answers at the same time.
...
ok, so i admit it's a little confusing even to myself.
i think what i'm trying to say is that you'll will find the answers to your questions from the same place you found your questions.
good night; i hope you wake up feeling like sunshine. if not then start feeling the bright star you are after reading this.
*hugs* & *mwahs*
sincerly yours
the silly kitty
first of all, i just wanna say that this post is 100% normal... we all have this kind of disturbing thoughts from time to time... just don't let these thoughts get bigger and bigger... trust ur heart...
stop asking questions u already know their answers!!
stop wasting time and start making a change, making a difference...
give urself time, try harder, don't just give up... 8 months in jordan now, 8 months in lebanon, who knows maybe u'll stay 6 months in dubai, qatar, ksa... u r not giving urself time to adapt in any place... u always rush into things, which makes u lose a lot of opportunities...
u'll just feel it when u reach ur break point, when u feel useless, when u feel that u r not enjoying life and u r not even living anymore, u r just counting days and counting on faded dreams...
nothing has it all?? sure... nothing is perfect in this life, but there r measures...
u wanna know what i thought when i read this post? i thought that u r letting off steam.. but also i felt angry cuz u r doing these things to urself, u r being unfair to ur mind and soul...
Do mistakes from the past keep haunting us till the day we die? well, if u let them!! we all do mistakes and we all learn from our mistakes... if people are going to judge u for these mistakes then they r wrong!! and they r mistreating u...
thought no.22... sure, ask urself this, what have u done lately to live ur dreams or to achieve them?!?!
thought no.19 u do affect other people's lives for sure... specially ur close friends and those who love u... u affect it in so many sides... positively and negatively... sometimes u make people stronger, faithful, dreamful...etc, i'm not gonna talk about the negatives cuz they r less for me!
the thin line between jealousy and being obsessive, is the line that u draw...
u always have to ask for more so u would get something in the end... cuz who knows what u r going to get? maybe u'll ask for 2 things and get them, and maybe u'll ask for 10 things and don't get any of them!!
i hope ur new house will bring ur family closer and closer..
i think u should be there for ur pregnant friend cuz that will mean the world to her... specially that u two r so close...
being sensitive is who u r... just like the sun is hot, the sky is blue...
i'm so so sorry for this long comment but there r things should be said...
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