The other day I was reading something I previously wrote and posted on my blog, it was called "Sleepless in Amman".
It struck me how much pain and sadness I carried in each word, how much anger and regrets I had…
Now, today, I don't think anything changed. I think that I am exactly where I was then, carrying maybe even more pain and sadness and deeper anger and worse regrets!
It seems to me that lately, everything I am doing is turning out to be a "huge mistake":
I am not being the daughter I should be.
I can not be the sister my brother needs.
I am not able to be the good friend I was.
I can not be the girlfriend I want to be.
How come everything is so gloomy and blurred and there is no sign of hope in the horizon?
Why is it that no matter how hard I try to be the most I can be I am right where I have once started, at point zero?
How come it is always my fault and I am always the one to blame?
Here I am, once again, "Sleepless in Amman"…
Wondering: about the next step, the coming day, the next ray of light…
Thinking: about the right way to carry my heavy stride…
Hating: the fact that I feel helpless and so confused…
Wishing: that this cloud of misery will soon pass me by…
Fighting: for the last breath of happiness I have left in my scarred soul…
It struck me how much pain and sadness I carried in each word, how much anger and regrets I had…
Now, today, I don't think anything changed. I think that I am exactly where I was then, carrying maybe even more pain and sadness and deeper anger and worse regrets!
It seems to me that lately, everything I am doing is turning out to be a "huge mistake":
I am not being the daughter I should be.
I can not be the sister my brother needs.
I am not able to be the good friend I was.
I can not be the girlfriend I want to be.
How come everything is so gloomy and blurred and there is no sign of hope in the horizon?
Why is it that no matter how hard I try to be the most I can be I am right where I have once started, at point zero?
How come it is always my fault and I am always the one to blame?
Here I am, once again, "Sleepless in Amman"…
Wondering: about the next step, the coming day, the next ray of light…
Thinking: about the right way to carry my heavy stride…
Hating: the fact that I feel helpless and so confused…
Wishing: that this cloud of misery will soon pass me by…
Fighting: for the last breath of happiness I have left in my scarred soul…
5 comments:
well...
everything u r doing is turning out to be a "huge mistake"??? well, u not being the daughter u should be... can't be the sister ur brother needs, not being able to be the good friend u were... or the girlfriend u want to be...
these r not mistakes, these r not things u r trying to do but people misunderstand u... these r things u r not doing lately... and u have only urself to blame... cause there is something or somethings wrong with ur life that changed u to become this person who doesn't care about her family, friends or bf... my suggestion is that u have to seek for the problem and end it so u could get back to who u were... and not just keep on crying and weeping about the way ur life is right now...
search for answers and don't ignore the problems and the wrong things in ur life...
u have to be a bit smart and courage to do it... u r letting the pain and misery control u and ur life...
it's time to make a change, it's time to be strong...
think about it beebee and don't u ever forget that u have good close friends who would love to be there for u and take a good care of u...
good luck... and yalla come back to the sweet beebee we all used to love being around her...
See? this is what I mean! I do not think I am careless and do not give a damn about my family, freinds or bf... I think they all just want too much, too much that I can not give! To gove u have to receive! This is the equation! I am not sitting around and wheeping! I am trying to understand what the "hell" everyone wants from me!
to give u have to recieve...
that works on everybody...
they all have to recieve in order to give...
so they can't give u anything if u r not giving them anything...
i think that's what they think too...
and maybe u r not careless or not giving a damn about ur family, friends or bf... but u r not showing it... i dunno what u r doing with others... but i know what u r doing, or lets say what u r not doing with me!!
something wrong, that's how i feel... u r not the same old beebee i used to know... i miss that person so much..
Ar2our,,,do you think a foot massage can help a lil???
i swear inno bas badde choufik happy,,w belik mirtei7,,ma ba3rif kif or iza fine se3id,,,bas as always,,w mitel ma 2al ziad,,you have 3anjad a real friends,,w chou ma sar,,w add ma bay3adte w ghibte 3annon,,they will always be there for you,,so whenever you need something,,or feel like you need them,,just ask w choufe chou w adde hinne mist3iddin ya3mloulik,,,
What you wrote reminds me of a time when I felt things similar to what you are going through now...But as a wise man once said : This too, shall pass.
Allow me to share with you something I once wrote:
"To join someone on a journey. A journey we are all going to take, whether alone, or with someone. Together we complement each other and fills in the small gaps each of us has in him/her.
To become enlightened to what it is in life that can complete you, is like groping through a dark room, trying not to bump into obstacles around you, jumping in fright when you do, getting hurt at some times, feeling uncertain and anxious, trying to figure out the boundaries of that room. Is it so large that I will never find the way out? Straining to find some source of light somewhere....you start to find it, and feel like you’re on a dark stage with a circle light around you only, but you still can't see what is around you...
Then...
The whole world lights up! In a flash!
It takes you a while to become accustomed to the brightness. To realise that you can see. That everything is clear around you. At first you might only see everything...
The true revelation is when you register what you are seeing. It means something. You relate to it.
Or it relates to you. It finds a place in yourself and in your life.
Even not understanding it and taking it for what it is finds a comfortable place in who you are..."
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