A Sarcastic Pitch!

If I made you sandwiches, would you love me plenty?
If I managed to always look younger; twenty-five or even twenty?
If I was a “good girl” would you treat me like a puppy?
Would you shower me with love and hugs; bring water to my cuppy?
If I make good coffee, if I make good tea,
Would you still choose someone else, or will it be me?
If I dressed more decently and made more female friends,
Would you promise me a happy life and better ends?

My Testimony... (Uncut, Uncensored)

I realize that, for the past few days, my readers have been looking for some positivism in my writings. They have been constantly questioning the reason for this continuous river of sadness that seems to never stop running and which they seem not to understand.

As I have always been very honest in my words and feelings, which has gotten me into a lot of trouble if I may add, allow me, to explain to you, as a human, not just a writer, the reasons for this surrender that I am revealing in each line I’ve written lately…

See I have always looked for positive thoughts to light my way in the darkness of the days and nights that comes from deep hidden places and people around me… I have always been successful to find it the in the midst of the shadows yet as I stand here, loaded with agony, I see no more light, I find myself fully submerged in darkness…

Things around me seem to have lost their meaning, their taste and their smell… My senses are not able to perform their job! I feel nothingness; I sense no more!

It so happens that the conspiracy of “unfortunate events” finally did get the best of me!
What can one do when faced with such a universal plot to destroy the basis of one’s self: his/her faith in love, happiness and safety?

I know you still didn’t understand… Allow me to elaborate:

For the past few days, week to be precise, nothing has been going as I would want it to. I mean granted: we don’t always get what we want, but come on, I am not getting anything I want! Please don’t get me wrong, I do not expect things to just happen as I sit there restless. I do work hard for what I want, I always have. Nothing has ever come easy to me, nothing! I don’t mind at all, I mean when I work so hard for something and I finally get it, it means way more, I appreciate it more and I struggle to maintain it even more, and I do realize that.

Yet now, working so hard for what I want/need, is just not cutting it!

Now, I’m caught up in my love for 2 cities, which won’t love me back: Beirut, since it is too busy with the political disputes and the people fighting over it, it forgot about me… Amman, just won’t embrace me the way I am and is asking for so much more than I can sacrifice for it to accept me as one of its own…

I’m also caught up in my feelings for a parent who seems to have forgotten he had a daughter. He was never able to be there for me and now, when I need him the most, he packs up and walks out the door…And a brother who takes me as a part time sister and a mother who is never satisfied with me as a whole, and who always expects more and more!

As for the man who was keeping me sane through all the madness, I guess I was too much for him to handle… Since I am not the kind of girl who life usually smiles at, he decided not to be a part of my struggle and just disappeared into the clouds of winter with no sign of reconsidering rains!

I want you all to understand something: I am not in pain because of what I mentioned above. No, people come and go, bad things happen to good people, and I know all that talk so please don’t write me comments trying to cheer me up with those words.

I am in pain because I have worked so hard to gain the love and trust of all those mentioned above. I did all that I could, and even more then out of the blue, something or someone so insignificant and worthless, comes along and just takes all the hard work I have put and just dumps it in some old smelly garbage can at the side of the road!

Furthermore, to make it even worse, those I love, those who know how much I have given, how much more I can give, they just surrender, they give up on me, just like that…

So now, you tell me, what more could I have done? And seriously, did I deserve all this?

I rest my case…

A Letter to Sleep...

Dear Sleep:

First of all, I would like to wish you happy holidays. I sure hope you are enjoying your vacation way more than I am so far!

I am writing you this letter to thank you and at the same time blame you for some intense emotions that I’m feeling at the moment. Please bear with me...

Allow me to begin by the negatives, which I utterly blame you for:

Where have you disappeared? I mean really, where did you go when I need you the most? Why have your visits become so scarce? Why do you choose to add to my pain by coming to me for a few, scattered hours at night while you go to others for 7,8,9,10 or even 11 or 12 hours? Why can’t you see how much I need you? Why are you being just as blind to my needs as anybody else? How come you don’t care?

Ok… Now that I’ve got this out of my system, kindly listen to me as I explain to you my appreciation for being the only bridge which mends the big gap his absence left in my life… I mean I see him in you… You are the only means for me to rest assured that he was a reality… I thank you for that…

Thank you for your time…

Please, please, visit me more often… I need you more than ever…

Love,

Beirut

If Only...

If only things could be as simple as the greens of a tree…
If only they thought a bit deeper about you and me…
If only they would let us out of those cages and just set us free…

If only I was a bit tougher maybe I could deal…
If only I was a bit less sensitive to barely feel…
If only I could stand still, not bend or kneel…

If only winter would be less chilly than it is…
If only we could always feel the pure summer bliss…
If only those people who leave we just never miss…

If only we can sleep as sound as babies do…
If only we could easily learn things we never knew…
If only smiles were many and disappointments were a few…

If only she could realize how her actions affect the life of others too…
If only the sky could always be so pure, so clear and so blue…
If only they can feel the pressure they constantly place on you…

If only stars always shine with the passion of reds…
If only we could sleep on cloudy cotton beds…
If only it was safe to use our hearts instead of our heads!

Memory Blues...

In every corner, every street, every lifeless place,
A memory haunts my every thought and pace,
A sweet memory of his long gone face…

There was no light left in his heart for me,
He closed his eyes so he would no longer see,
No words would stop him now, no beg or plea…

Together is all I knew,
Thinking what was there was true,
I feel numb as my pain I chew!

In every face, every smile, every word I hear,
There he is, lingering on, so far yet so near,
I can sense his presence so dear…

Memory blues won’t fade away,
Walking by my side every day,
A game of hide and seek with them I play!

Alone with Her Dreams...

She sat so close to him; close enough to hear him breathe in her hurting,
She looked in his green eyes for answers, deep within them she kept searching,
The temperature outside was around 12 degrees, yet he way was colder,
She felt the mound of the coming moments weigh her down, she felt older!
As she fled the scene, she could feel his eyes follow her until she was gone,
She was left in shock now: Is it really over? Was it all said and done?
That night she waited for him in the pool of dreams were they usually agreed to meet,
She went earlier than usual to reserve the best front row seat!
All through the night, they talked, laughed and words of love they spoke,
Until the daylight broke and from her dreams she was awaken with a poke!
She sat alone now, closer to her fears of what’s coming her way,
She closed her eyes and for valor she began to pray…

Caught in the Web!

We may be tougher than we thought,
It’s harder for us to break.
Yet when in the webs of love we’re caught,
Deep inside us the strength will shake.

We may be able to handle pain,
Against suffering stand with pride,
We tend to uphold being logical and sane,
Just as long as matters of the heart are aside.

We may be able to swallow our tears,
Shout, scream, converse and fight,
Yet tears tend to slip from fears,
Of being left behind and surviving the night.

We might be able to live with no hopes,
Watch our dreams fall apart and fade,
Yet as we are tangled up in love’s ropes,
We are mixed up between true light and shade.

We might be able to smile to others,
We might be able to make them laugh too,
As we hide the ache that slowly smothers,
Our soul and makes it so ill and blue…

"They" Live On...

They judge you for who they thought you were,
They judge you for who you are,
They judge you and it’s never fair,
Since you have gotten this far!

They talk about you in whispers,
They talk behind your back,
Their words hurt like aching blisters,
Yet proof they tend to lack!

They watch the way you walk,
They watch the way you dress,
They eavesdrop on your talk,
When you face them they never confess!

They linger in the dark,
They linger to observe you yield,
All you do they write down and mark,
And to their frustration you have no shield!

They know talk is cheap,
They know people believe it still,
Their tongues if they only keep,
In their mouths with some will!

They place you in a corner,
They place you on the spot,
They make of you a mourner,
Whether you like it or not!

They lack a soul to feel empathy,
They lack a mind to think,
They ignore the meanings of sympathy,
They hurt without a blink!

They live on to cause disasters,
They live on and breathe in,
Of deceit they are masters,
That’s why they always win!

Strip Down to Yourself...

Take your mask off, there’s no need for you to hide anymore!
I want to see your face before you walk out that door…
Take off the lies you wear so elegantly from head to toe,
I want to see you as you are, if only for once, before you go…
Take off the burden of being someone who you can never be,
Someone who you once claimed you were, that person who cared for me!
Take off the cap of rumors you laid upon your head,
Watch me break as you speak, watch my tears spread!
Take off the shoes you wore to step all over my life,
Get out of my sight, take your bullets of shame, grab your knife!
Take off everything, strip down to the real you and look me in the eye,
Why would you say that? Tell me: What was the use of your lie?

The Past Lingers On...

Sickened with anger and infused with pain, my Tuesday morning begins…
Thoughts of what they said and why, I pay the price of my unmade sins…
“Live in the present, the past is gone,” is the lie they make you believe…
While behind you there are whispering mouths planning to lie and deceive…
That joke called happiness, and those fake promises of a better day to come…
So why are my eyes so swollen, why are my heartbeats replaced with a hum?
Even building of concrete against the Tsunami quivered and disgracefully fell!
The end unwritten seems to have chosen a finale called: The Road to Hell!
My Tuesday morning begins, I’m nauseated with disgust of what I was forced to hear…
No one can help me now with the tornadoes that head my way; they are getting near!
I now look back at the old days, many years ago, when I was young and headstrong…
I would give anything to get a second chance, I would do anything may it be “right” or “wrong”!
Lost in between two cities, my world now crumbles into little shreds of losses and despairs…
Observing the pieces of the puzzle fade, one by one, while no one is aware, no one really cares!
Through my prison window, I hear people breathing with more ease than me…
I wonder: will a day come when they will leave me alone? Will they ever let me be?
The final question that I can’t escape from is simple: Do I stay or just pack up and leave?
Are there any more surprises driving my lane? Any more nets of fabrications left to weave?

Dedicated to Two Young Lovers...

Two days ago, before the sun decided to hide behind the clouds and chills of the night crept into the day, someone told me that true love is just a myth; it is something authors invented and it only existed in their books!

I sighed and for a second there, I almost believed…

Then, I met a love story, one which has been there for five full years and is still going on…

I doubted again: True love does exist!

To that couple I dedicate this piece of writing…

Maybe some deny the existence of love and its great power,
Yet others still sense, smell, taste and live love by the hour.

Maybe we've never been introduced to love some time before,
And maybe it just didn't yet find its way to our door.

Yet seeing those two together made me again see and believe,
Love does exist, love in its purest form, one which won't lie or deceive.

Their fight for each other made my heart warm and tingle with bliss,
Their struggle with the world to embrace that love filled me with happiness.

Nothing is always perfect and they knew they needed to hold on,
The world outside their love is irrelevant, their fear of tomorrow almost gone.

Seeing those two fight, play and joke around brought my faith in love once more,
So thank you both for everything and you love I will always protect and adore…

The Man of The Long Gone Past...

There was a man who I, once upon time, loved so dearly,
Of my love he was not worthy and that showed continuously and clearly!

I still refused to believe and tried as hard as I could to prove them all wrong,
I stood there by his side, I watched him go, and I saw him deceive me all along.

Then came a day when we were both apart,
We decided to end it all, get a new start.

He was far away but always haunted me with vague promises and words,
He dried up the green dreamy meadows of my heart and killed all the birds.

I tried everything to get him back in my life, closer to me,
I wanted to be there in any possible way I could be.

I offered him a friendship on a silver plated dish,
I wanted to be around him by any means and that was my wish.

He was selfish; never ever tried to be there by my side,
He would always find excuses to run and others to hide!

Every time I got into any kind of trouble,
The absence he chose made my pains double!

One day my house, while I slept, went on fire!
I turned to him again and he accused me of being a liar!

At that point it hit me hard and sure!
He was the cancer and could never be the cure!

It is all gone now, the bad memories and good times too!
His picture in my mind's nest just got up and flew!

I will never fall to that man or anyone like him as long as I live,
I will choose carefully next time for whom my precious heart to give!

Overwhelming Winds of Change...

Waves bashing against the rocks, breaking into a billion tears…
Winds smashing into the walls of nothingness and stirring up the fears…
Storms of despair creeping in with so much determination to destroy the coming years!

She knew it was time to take off her old sorrows and dress in white…
She was certain she had to be strong and find the will in her to fight…
She wanted to find a new hope, a different delight…

Dark nights came and bright days fled away…
She had nothing further she could say…
She thrived to break free and save the day!

Rains fiercely dropped onto the parched cheeks and she wiped them away with her hands…
She pulled her hair back and tied up the drenched and fuzzy strands…
One further step into the grounds of the unknown and into the distant lands…

The strings on her poppet soul she was able to cut loose…
Her mental clock alarm she decided to put on snooze…
It's time for her to take a decision; it's time for her to choose!

Dark nights came and bright days fled away…
She had nothing further she could say…
She thrived to break free and save the day!

Mending Bridges...

Break free from clings like desperation,
Place your faith ahead of you; find your destination.

Toughen up; don't wait for a helping hand to save you,
Sober up from your dreams; or you'll never come through.

Some will blame you and others will fight you with their might,
Keep it together; you've seen the shadows and you've tasted the light!

Keep believing in what you are and hold on to those so dear,
Make no promises you can't keep; lend a helping hand, a listening ear!

Close your eyes so tight, make a sincere wish,
Don't fill up your mind or overload your dish!

Never give up faith in a better day to come and sweep you of your feet,
Cuddle up in your bed with happy thoughts; keep your tears away from your pillow and sheet!

Only great friendships will last; others will fade away,
Knowing that will make you able to face your day.

Against love only we will always yield and succumb,
Wait patiently for that true love will one day come!

Run, Sing & Play....

Run into the sun!
Win something you have never won!
Your life has just begun!

Run into me,
Come and set me free,
Let the past just be!

Run with a smile,
Learn me inside out for a while,
Take steps so agile!

Sing a song,
I'll try to sing along,
Don't hold it in too long!

Sing your pain away,
I know you have much to say,
Let's together savor the day!

Sing with pride,
Never again run and hide,
Look ahead your hope is wide!

Play a game,
Do it with no shame!
I will do the same!

Play in and out,
Never in your dreams doubt,
Show them what it's all about.

Play it'll be okay,
I will draw you a way,
Come on and play!

Relationships: Celebrating Failure!

It has been a while now since I wrote anything personal… I have been so caught up in my articles for the magazine, which although can be very interesting and challenging yet have to be void of private feelings or any form of bias…

I feel I need a break to write about me now, to vent…

There are many times which I took haven in my won words…
Many times which I hid in my own writings and used them as an escape from my own feelings…
My thoughts sometimes feel like a loose cannon which might discharge and attack at any given moment and I use writing as a way to run away from confrontation or as a way to tame my thoughts…

I need to tame my thoughts again… I need to run and hide deep in my words…

The subject I will address today is a common one, one which many of you have thought of and have written about: relationships… Yet, today, I would like address it in a different manner and celebrate the failure of my relationships with you!

Whether they were love relations, friendships or relationships between family members, relationships are very complicated.

The constant struggle to maintain any kind of relationship is overwhelming…

The amount of time and effort that should be placed in every relationship is consuming…

The ability to balance the rights and the wrongs and the goods and bads in any relationship is overrated and never accurate…

Relationships are very sensitive and fragile…

They are a bond between two people who have shared different experiences and have different personalities…

Relationships are measured by their quality and some even measure them by time…

They are one of the greatest valuable assets one might have…

I come here today, and I raise my white flag and confess: I failed!

I failed to be the part of the relationship I always aimed to be…

I failed to play the role of the "maintainer" or the "fixer" which I continuously inspired to take on…

My understanding of the complexity and fragility of relationships is the main reason for my confession… I should have known better… I should have been wiser…

Let's celebrate my failure today yet hope for some successes tomorrow...

A Day's Closure...

I still believe that there is a pure goodness in everyone I meet…
I trust that purity of a soul can not become a completely stained sheet!

Deep inside each of us, I know there lives an innocent and lost child…
A child who is scared of facing life; who constantly we try to hide…

There in the horizon, there must be a better day for us which we need to seek…
However we view life, we should face the pain and strive never to be weak…

I comprehend that things are not always what they seem to be…
That there is no certain end until you can be yourself and I can be me!

I wish for a better understanding of things that will come along…
Until then I will do what I think is right, even if it turns out to be wrong!

Her Statement... (Cont'd)

Due to the fact that my last post titled "statement" was perceived to be "not so clear", allow me to elucidate…

This post is really a two-sided coin… It touches upon two parallel subjects: life and dreams (conjured realities)…

I will talk about life first but briefly because I have mentioned my view about it many a times!

As many perceive it, life is a whirlpool; an endless road; a never ending challenge… And I agree… Life throws at you all those struggles and tests which you are supposed to pass and overcome with hard work and resistance in order to attain what Maslow referred to self-achievement, in his hierarchy of needs…

Through this struggle, we tend to lose ourselves at some points, break down at others and we sometimes even get to a point where we really consider giving up hope… This is where conjuring realities steps in…

For years now, numerous stories have been told about "witches" and black magic all trying to conjure spirits to serve them in their own benefits (whether they are good or bad is besides my point)…

The act of conjuring a reality stems from the need for another scope, another view; another hope…

If the girl I refer to in "Statement" chooses to conjure to her own reality which is loaded with colorful rainbows and yellow butterflies then it should be known… She will not give up even if that means she will spend her time alternating between her "real" reality and the one she chooses to conjure until her "real" reality improves!

Her Statement...

Brimming with a newly founded hope she made up her mind with a one simple statement…

"There is nothing wrong with conjuring my own reality as long as I have the magnificent faith it demands and the huge mad energy it requires…"

Not An Ordinary Morning...

This would have been just an ordinary morning, just as eventless as any other for the past few days yet destiny "cooked" up a little surprise for me, one which I would like to share with you…

My usual morning routine is simple: I get out of bed, put my PC on, go to the kitchen and make my "special" Nescafe, get a couple of biscuits and go back to the PC to check my e-mails, facebook and my blog…

This morning, I got out of bed, put the PC on, made my coffee and without further thought, I took my coffee and grabbed a book in one hand and a chair in another and went outside to the balcony…

I set my chair down, opened my book and laid back in that not-so-comfy little chair…

The warm sun gently kissed my cheeks and the words that I read tenderly cuddled my soul…

There I was all alone yet not feeling lonely for the first time in a long time…

There I was playfully caressing nature…

There I was, embraced by nature's powerful presence…

Out of nowhere, this cute yellow butterfly flies by, lands on my shoulder, stays for a few seconds and then goes back on its way…

I smile… I truly smile from deep inside with one thought in my mind:

This definitely means something good is coming my way and all I have to do is open up to be able to take it in…

An Endless Stream...

A stream of questions attacks me now and all I can do is taste their bitterness…

I breathe out cautiously in order to safely free them from my mind which is holding them captive…

How could you hold on to someone's hand for long when it keeps slipping away?
When will you find your right path? When will you really find your way?

How could you please those around you when from within you grieve?
Will the day ever come when you'll just give up and cease to believe?

Why is sadness the opposite of happiness and it remains there no matter what we do?
Why do they keep pushing you away and why can't your feelings get through?

How could they cope with all the suffering they live when the least we can't swallow?
How could we not allow ourselves to falter and keep ourselves from being hollow?

How could we rise above the agony, chaos and melancholy of the nights ahead?
How can we keep seeing the colors of life: the bright yellow, the fresh green and the deep red?

Till when will we fight to be all what we can and want to be?
When will they see the beauty that lies within you and me?

Take Me Away...

Take me away,
To a better day,
To a brighter beginning,
And a brand new day…
Show me the way…
Let us make pretend and play!

Take me away from here,
To a place so dear,
Where waterfalls sway,
And where you could be near…

Take me back to an unbroken heart,
To an end yet unwritten,
To an unexpected start,
Where you and I would never be apart…

Take me now for I can't wait any longer,
And I know that beside you I can be stronger…

Let's face it all together hand in hand and side by side…
Whatever may come,
It takes two to face it all, no need to ever run and ever again hide…

Scene 3: An Empty Room

The Setting:

A small cold room with wooded floors…
A window on the right side of the room overlooking an empty street, a big old tree and a few parked cars...
A table next to the window… A chair parallel to it…

You can see a laptop and a mug on the table, and a mobile phone on the window sill…

Sunlight enters the room through the window's opened glass…

No one is there…

A few moments go by…


"Excuse me boss, you have a text message…" The mobile phone announces!

She suns in from another room, picks up the phone and stares endlessly at the mobile screen…

A lonely tear runs down her face…

It was him again… After all that time which passed, he still remembers her…

Though his words were neutral and his inquiries were rather formal, she could feel his concern for her and she knew she was blessed to have him in her life…

She sat down on the chair and gazed out of the window of her room and into the windows of her sad soul and her tired heart…

She remembered all those fights they had over and over again about the silliest things they could muster!

She recalled all the painful words they managed to use against each other so skillfully yet unintentionally…

She reminisced the years that have gone by without being able to hold on to the one thing they both believed in: their relationship…

The untainted, unusual, out of the ordinary relationship they together watered and watched grow and blossom…

Another tear…

This one even felt warmer and shone brighter with the reflections of the sun…

She wished for a different series of events, a better situation where she could go on to nurture what they had…
She lays down the phone on the table this time…

She opens a new word document and her laptop and eagerly starts typing away her thoughts in order to close the windows again of her aching soul and fatigued heart…

Morning Break Without You...

Another morning break materializes from beyond the realm of the sky…
I hear the last whisper of his voice bidding me sweet dreams and then goodbye…

I fear again my bed; empty and cold, haunted with nightmares and dire dreams…
I wish for happy thoughts to fill my soul with serenity and never ending gleams…

Underneath the same sky we both lay many hundreds of miles apart…
Carrying the same ache for a new beginning and an unsoiled fresh start…

Yet again I carry the burden of the unknown with all that it may carry and be…
I dread the what, the how, the why; I tremble of the thought of me losing me!

Another morning break engulfs me with snug feelings of belonging and love…
I see the birds dancing on the tree branches outside my window and up above…

I fear again the autumn; the clouds are secretly creeping in to the rear mirror view…
I pray for the not-so lasting familiarity of the streets and side walks I once knew…

Over the same grounds we both walk yet millions of steps won't place together …
I despise the speculations, the anticipations and the changing weather…

Yet again I pull myself together and I swallow my fears and doubts with unease…
I take in the rays of the new born sun and I playfully cuddle and embrace the breeze…

Her Romeo...

He made a sudden appearance in her life, caught her by surprise, and blew her off her feet while she was off guard, and unprepared…

She was then alone, so tangled up in her troubles, so angry and upon his appearance on the stage of her life she felt something undeclared…

He had the warmest smile, the gentlest touch, the deepest eyes and said the truest of words…

She felt his passion, submerged herself in his love, drank his sweetness and sang in utter joy with the humming birds…

He showed her a different aspect of life, one which he played the role of her Romeo; her white knight…

She was able to feel peace now that he was close; she was able to enjoy every day and embrace every night…

He taught her how to love with all her heart and guided her to giving more and more…

She felt safe and secure and believed in herself and the good in the world more than any time before!

He then vanished, packed his suitcase and walked out the door and never came back!

She felt shattered, abandoned, abused and her blue skies turned into a dreadful black…

He never gave any reasons for why he left, never explained, didn't even send a message or even leave a note!

She was just left there in the middle of the ocean of her deceased happiness, stranded alone on her misery boat!


They could have had it all: the happiness, the hopes, the dreams and the prefect love…

Instead now they are only a story that people who knew them speak of!

Dedicated To A Family...

This piece of writing carries great feelings of gratitude, appreciation and admiration for a family… A family which I feel is my own…

Take a long breath and read… You will probably feel the same at the end…

Today is October the 1st, 2007.

I am not back home in Amman…. I am not back home in Beirut (where my house was burnt down)… But I am somewhere I feel safe and I feel I belong in…

On September, 2007, a month ago, the world's population was measured and was found to be an approximate of 6.7 billion – and counting of course. Why do I mention this? Because I want you to think for a moment, out of those 6.7 billion, how many have you actually met? How many have you ever seen? Whether on the street, at a concert, in a restaurant, on the beach, while watching the news, etc… What is the percentage of people you have actually encountered and held a conversation with relative to those you do not even recognize their existence?

This brings me back to the golden question: what is the probability that you meet 5 people, a family, who is able to have such a great influence on your life out of all those billions and billions of human beings around the world?

Is it good luck? I highly doubt it, since my luck has been playing cruel games with me lately… It is destiny… Destiny which now I have so much faith in…

I might have done something right along the way to get this in return…


Think with me for a second…

Many of us do things because we simply have to: for example, we eat because we need the energy from food, we work because we need money to live a decent life, we go to class because we need to pass and get our certificates, and we act respectful around those we might hate because we respect ourselves, etc.

Now tell me: how many people do you know give without expecting anything in return?

Words could be my only valuable possession which I can give now… And I give them to this family…

To…

The Mother: Whose sincerity fills my soul with peace…The Cousin: Whose words have made me see life so differently…The Little Princess: Who gave up her sanctuary to make me feel at home…The Chef: Who makes the best omelets and Kraft sandwiches I have ever had!The Director: Who is slowly directing a newer, happier play scene of my life…

I am grateful to have met you…..

Life & Its Levels...

In life, there are a billion things that you could think about, a million more that you could analyze and try to explain, I am sure many of them you will never find an answer for and many others will keep you feeling confused, angry or even hollow…

Today, this very amusing yet unnerving thought crossed my mind… Allow me to share it with you…

Basically, as I was so deeply lost in my daily ideas and contemplations, the idea of life and its "levels" occurred to me… I will elaborate…

Without even realizing it, life is of many levels in every little thing we do and every place we go… Whether you are buying the business class or the economy class ticket on an airplane, or attending a concert while seated in the VIP area or standing in the "regular" area, whether you are cruising in a new 2008 posh car or just using your 1980 car to get to work, whether you go to a five stars hotel during your "monthly" vacation or you just settle for a bed in a friend's apartment…. It is all levels…

Moreover and on a more social level, you are either an employer or an employee, a lover or a beloved, a liar or a person being lied to and the list goes on forever…

Now, what is the major thing which differentiates us in life? What is the only thing that can make our existence worthwhile? Is it the money we spend? The level of education? The power we have?

I guess not…

It is all about who we really are and what we want from people and from life… It is about our morals, values and beliefs and what we opt to achieve… Everything else holds no substantial meaning, all other factors will eventually vanish one day… Our core is what truly will matter at the end of the day… When night time comes and as we lay our heads on the pillow and try to fall asleep… It is the clear conscious we are able to sustain knowing that we are on the "right" track…

The levels will eventually disappear into vacuum…
We are what we choose to be…

تعا نلعب لعبة جديدة أنا و أنت
بهاي اللعبة أنا رح احكي و أنت رح تسمع و حتى لو "تصغي" بكون أحسن

أنا رح احكيلك عن كل شي متل ما جربت أعمل أكتر من مرة بس على الفاضي لأنك كنت مش معي!هالمرة اسمعني: يمكن تفهمني و يمكن تقدر تعرفني

دايما بتقول انك ما بتعرفني... اسمعني و يمكن نحل هاي المعضلة
مش رح أحكيلك أدب و لا فلسفة ولا رح أتعمق بالأحياء و الجغرافيا
بعرف انك بتكره الرياضيات و كمان ما رح جرب أضرب و أجمع أو أطرح و أقسم
بس اسمعني
اسمع بكيانك! اسمع بعقلك! اسمع بقلبك! اسمع بالوعي و باللاوعي! بس اسمعني
سنين و أنا عم جرب أشكيلك همي حتى صار همي الوحيد انك ما بتسمعني
هي ساعة أو أكتر شوي لتقدر تحسني
أنا تعبانة و بدي تسمعني

بس اسمعني

تعا هون، قرب أكتر حتى ما تروّح و لا كلمة بفوضى الحواس

خليني أحكيلك عن بلدي فلسطين و بلدي الأردن و بلدي لبنان و حنيني اللي دايمان بيحرقني لإلهم

خليني خبرك عن حبي و وفائي و انتمائي لكل بلد منهم و بنفس الوقت اسمعني و أنا عم بشكي عن كيف بحس حالي غريبة عنهم

اسمعني

و أنا بشرحلك عن ألمي اتجاه ياللي عم بيصير فيهم
اسمعني
لما احكيلك عن طفولتي المسروقة من الأيام و عن عمري ياللي ضيعتو لهلأ و أنا بركض ورا سراب و أحلام
اسمعني
و صدقني الاشيا مش دايما سهلة و مش كل شي إلو حل
و ضمني لما خبرك انو عندي نقص حنان: حنان الأسرة و حنان الوطن و حنان الأمان
اسمعني
بس هاي المرة و أنا عم بحكبلك عن الحب اللي ضاع من دون سبب و عن البيت اللي أنا و نايمة فيه زهق و احترق
اسمعني أنا و عم ببكي الذكريات الحلوة و البشعة... و أنا و عم اصرخ على الكوابيس و بنادي على الفرح اللي انسرق
اسمعني

With All My Heart...

I know how far you are, I can feel the distance between us now…
It breaks me that I can't be there for you or maybe not knowing how!
The plot thickens every time I try to untangle the knots and get closer to you…
It shakes me to feel your anger, your pain and the thought of you being blue…
So many people expect so much from me now and I just can't let them down…
It troubles me those tears you shed, that sad face, that frown…
I pray today for a miracle customized to heal my own dilemma and take it away…
I pray now, I will pray tomorrow and I will keep praying with each passing day…
The days go slow now that your not here and memories grab me and pull me back…
I have all the will in the world to make things right but the tools to do so I lack!
Obstacles keep showing up and mutilating each plan I make…
Yet I still can differentiate the real from the fake!

I am alone in this and there is no one to hold my hand through…
But I know that if I fall someone will catch me and that someone is you…

Silent Accusations...

Someone asked me today about my "theory about life"… He accused me of being a negative and somewhat of a self-destructive pessimist…

I tend to disagree…

Looking back at my life, the days, months and years that have passed, the tears and agony that I was forced to suffer, the guilt that is tangles deep within every breath, the troubles I've had to face, the bad luck that I ran into, the lies that I had to discover and the chaos I had to survive, I see myself as a fighter… A tired yet strong fighter…

It's true, I don't perceive life in fancy bright colors and I don't close my eyes to see rainbows, green meadows and butterflies but I do enjoy the beautiful moments in life whenever they come my way… I do enjoy music, all music, in every possible way: whether I close my eyes and listen to it or I dance the night away on its beats… I enjoy meeting new people and knowing them better… I love exploring new places, feelings and I always have goals which I aim to achieve… I enjoy a walk by the beach, a good movie and a long meaningful conversation… I enjoy learning about everything…

Does that really make me negative? Surely not… Yet, what makes me different and makes you, him or her think of me as a pessimist is the fact that I do realize the difference between what is real and what is fake… I do know that nothing is perfect and yeah, life is harsh! And I know for a fact that a smile in the morning will not stop the pain from approaching or the disappointments from appearing…

I am a realist… One which could turn into a stone cold heart or an emotional wreck yet I still am on my feet, on the road of life, fighting…

Destiny: The Head Chef

While sitting in the kitchen earlier this afternoon, this funny yet logical idea occurred to me… I let it sink in well and here I am presenting it to you… Enjoy…

Now, we all know that different people hold different positions and jobs in life… Well, life itself and destiny also have a job too. I am not very well able to define life's job scope or its skills yet I think I have managed to find the right job description for destiny.

Let me lay it down in a CV form in order to spice it up a bit!

Name: Destiny
Current Address: Nowhere and everywhere… Mostly found in people's minds and faith.
Date of birth: Too long ago.

Required Position: Head Chef

Skills:

- Ability to cook great coincidences to bring people together.
- Ability to make great changes with the simplest ingredients.
- Ability to create constantly changing recipes of happiness, sorrow, joy, pain, disappointments etc…

Availability:

At all times if you believe.



I know this post lacks a lot more ideas and that is why I will stop here and allow you to use your imagination…

Dedicated To A Special Someone...

"No one can bring me back to life now…" Those were that words he said last to me…
He never spoke of happiness, of a new beginning or how it would feel to be free…
Free of the pain, free of the aches and free of her mostly and foremost…
And all I could think of was how I could hold his hand and lead him to the calm and safe coast…
I could feel the little child inside of him, see him there shivering and so scared…
I knew he is taking in so much that his heart overflowed yet he rarely shared!
In his music he hid, behind the screen, and watched the curtains of his life fall…
Never believing that someone along the way could come and help him through it all…

"Come here; stand a little bit closer, I know how you feel…"
I said over and over again but he couldn't distinguish the fake from real…

I take a deep breath, I shed a tear and I let out a sigh…
I feel defeat and disappointment which I can't deny…

"Beautiful people like you have the right to be happy and feel love…
They have the right to feel the joy of life and the peace from up above"…

Meaaaw!

Scene 2: In Between The Sheets

She changed into her night gown and slowly slipped underneath the sheets…

Now, she had him there all by himself, all for herself…

He whispered to her words that only she could ever hear… He spoke with ease yet loaded with different questions and emotional disputes…

It was late now and she was finally alone with him… And as it often happens, the late night time is the only time when she regularly listens while he just speaks to her… Sometimes all through the night, until the break of dawn…

He asked her:

"Don't you think you've had enough by now? I mean all the hurt and all the pain? I've been there to watch you crumble and plunge… I've seen yours tears fall, so many times, over your cheeks and die while touching your neck… I've felt the pain you have felt… Don't you think it's time for you to give up?"

Oh the silence of the dark, dark night…

She shifted, curled up and tried to change her sleeping position, maybe then she won't hear what he is saying because she has heard it all before: the blame, the guilt, the emptiness, the hopelessness and the disappointment…

She then took her pillow from underneath her head and covered her head with it… But with no use, her mind just kept nagging for an answer…

She finally gave up, and faced him with an answer:

"I still believe in the beauty of love… I know it's hard to find… But what is life without taking that chance? Leaping to that mountain ahead? Walking that extra step?

"But, but what about the pain? What about the…"

She interrupted ….

"Granted, all those tears made it harder to see the splendor which love can bring… All those fights make it difficult to hear the sweet words of love which are whispered in your ear… All those doubts and heart breaks make it sometimes almost impossible to swim in the oceans of emotions, bathe in the showers of passion and drink from the glasses of pure, untainted and untouched feelings… Yet, it is better to love and be hurt than never to feel the power of love… Don't you agree?"

The summer's cool breeze finds its way through her window and slowly creeps up to tenderly touch her face… And outside, she can hear the trees scheming for their late night flamingo!

Now… she just lays down there, feeling so exposed, she finally confessed… Did he already know?

"Of course I knew… And for years, I've been trying to knock some sense into you! But alas, all my trials have obviously failed!"

She now faced another dilemma… How can she convince him of something she no longer could feel, or at least haven't felt in a long time?

With hesitation, she asked:

"Don't you remember the happiness we felt before? The anticipation of the moment where two lovers' eyes meet? The warmth that fills up both of them upon a soft, gentle touch on the hand? Don't you remember the joy of spending time together, doing anything, no matter how simple? How during those times the concept of time and place just vanishes and people fade away? How everything seems so easy and doable? How peace just cuddles you?"

A sarcastic grin then he goes on to say:

"Oh yeah I remember… I remember very well… That temporary insanity! That fake feeling of wellness and divided happiness… I also remember how easily they could be shattered and broken into pieces by the smallest of actions and simplest of words…"

I guess it's enough for now… She thought…

She got off of her bed… Snuck up to her drawers and took out a sleeping pill…

As she slipped into her bed once more, she swallowed the pill and hoped for a good night sleep…

Half an hour has passed…

She hears nothing… She feels nothing… She finally can not think…

She is falling into deep sleep now… "Café Del Mar" playing in the background…

Scene 1: Alone With Him

She sat him down, on the sofa, by her side and looked deep into his eyes…

This night was going to be different, she could feel it… She had so much to say and she was ready to let it all out…

She could clearly see the smile which aims to mask his confusion… She could see the anticipating that filled his voice… She will not wait any longer; it's time to confess what she held inside for so long…

Gently, she took his hand and spoke her mind:

"My desert-island, all-time, top three most memorable break-ups, in chronological order are as follows" (and she named them for him, first name first then followed by the family names!)


"Those were the ones that really hurt. I can't see your name on that list, can you see your? Maybe you'd sneak into the top six, but there no place for you in the top three. Sorry!"
– She cleared her throat and went back to saying:
"Those places are reserved for the kind of humiliations and heartbreaks that you're just not capable of delivering.

That probably sounds crueler than it's meant to, but the fact is, we've been through so much, each on his/her own pace and through his/her own experience to make each other miserable! You see, long ago, unhappiness used to actually mean something. Now it's just a haul like a fever or being temporarily broke!

If you really wanted to mess me up, you should have gotten me earlier!"

He looked at her with a blank face; waiting for a sentence or a signal that there is more to come… More to explain… Maybe hoping for a little optimism…

She felt his perplexity so she hurried up to continue and said:

"I'm worried about my abilities as a lover! I mean after all the things I have been through, after giving up so much, taking my chances with him, fighting for the other and being the biggest loser, I currently run the risk of believing that there is anyone worth spending the rest of my life with!"

Long pause…

"Number one… Let's call him H.A for the sake of ease… Well, he was one of the people who really meant the world to me… He had to do no effort to make me happy; him being there, alive and well was the only reason I needed to feel peace with myself and my surroundings… I gave up too much for him… I did all that I could ever do to make him happy… I really did! I'm not just saying that! I stood by is side like a mother, like a sister, like a friend… I knew he could never do the same for me – the smallest of things he would never do, not because he couldn't, just because of his highly expanded ego! Well, he found another and another and another and easily let go of me… Just like that… And believe me, I've waited… I've waited for him to come back because I knew no one would love him more and take him with all his faults… I knew it… But that didn't matter because he never came back…"

A sigh… A tear…

"Yeah, well that is gone now… We're not even friends anymore… Though I worked hard on keeping that at least!

Number too? Mr. Career-oriented I can't work and be in a relationship F.M! Well, six months and it was over… With all its beauty and all its potential, it was over… He moved on too quickly… He skipped town for a better job opportunity…"

Well… I won't talk about number three because I think you understand what I mean now…

I wish I could be one of those girls who don't call back, the kind of girl that gets broken up with and appears not to give a shit!! But I am! I never had the heart for the rejection conversation! And I never will!

But if I had to take a wild guess, I'd say that I'm pissed because I know I'm stuck with you, bound to you, and I don't like it. That dreamy anticipation you have when you're fifteen or twenty that the right person for you, the most perfect person in the world might walk into your store or office or friend's party at any moment... That's all gone, I think, and that's enough to piss anybody off. You are who I am now, and it's no good pretending otherwise!"

Those were the last words she said…

The scene ends with the same sting… The same characters… The end is yet undefined…

Taking The Chance...

As I sat there, feeling the water caress every part of my body and the sun touching my face and arm so gently, I realized something, something I have never ever really thought of before: how life is about taking that chance, going that extra mile…

Squeezing yourself in a corner, away from people, away from life's main stream will get you no where… Granted it will keep you away from being hurt, lied to, played or manipulated yet it will, eventually, fill your head with negative thoughts, alienate you from your society and deprive you of the true meaning of happiness…

It's all about accepting that coffee invitation, making that call, going to that place, doing things you usually wouldn't do because you're just scared people will talk, afraid you'll bump into him/her or worried that you won't have fun…

No one can predict, beforehand, how things will turn out…

It's all about taking that chance… A least, later on you can say: I tried… I put an effort… I fought hard for my happiness (even if you fail!)

Summer's Early Goodbye...

Summer is slowly drifting, calmly slipping away…
I call for it, I beg and pray…
"Please, please don't leave, I beg you please stay"…

The leaves are turning yellow and brown…
I see my face draw a sad frown…
I tremble and shiver; I feel I'm breaking down…

Memories and speculations are all I have with me…
Rain drops outside is what I'm starting to see…
I ask everyone to just let me be…

The cool autumn chill creeps up my spine and face…
I am all alone missing the warm embrace…
I drift into emptiness and I stare into space…

The clouded sun waits again to shine once again…
I hold on so tightly and swallow my pain…
As I watch the good days run down the drain!

Now I sit here and wait for the rain to wash away the dust…
I can see the iron covered with rust…
I know I should go, I really must…

Through the chanting of the trees I hear your name…
I can feel the distance; I can taste the blame…
I crumble and I burn in my own fading flame…

Long Gone Days of Glory!

How I miss those days of smiles, games and fun…
Days when everything was easy; we'd hold hands and run!
How I long for those nights when I lay my head on the pillow and fall in deep sleep…
Nights that didn't know the meaning of loneliness and where nightmares didn't dare to creep!
How I pray for those days of love to find me once more…
For my "prince charming" to come knocking at my door…
How I hate this bundle of confusion that I'm left with these days!
This meaningless anger that aches me in different ways!
How I want that peace of mind and happiness I feel I deserve…
That pure joy and bliss and a new life's curve!

No more words to be said now, just silence left to linger on…
Like I did before, I will wait for those things to come along…

Hide & Sleep...

He wished he could just run away from the troubles and pain…
He wanted to just hide and sleep!
He felt that there was no profit he could gain…
The pain hurt him so deep!

They all pressured him to be better; they knew he could do more…
They felt that this phase he's going through is hard to ignore…

She stood there by his side and tightly held his hand…
She told him it will be ok, she will always understand…

He still refused to embrace what she offered and instead chose to be alone…
He fought her away with every breath, his flesh and every bone…

She cried and cried and felt so defeated…
She believed together they could beat it!

Now only silence is left behind and no one dares to speak…
She will not surrender and he will keep feeling weak!

His Surrender... Her Sorrow...

He made a sudden appearance in her life, caught her by surprise, and blew her off her feet while she off guard, and unprepared…
She was then alone, so tangled up in her troubles, so angry and upon his appearance on the stage of her life she felt something undeclared…
He had the warmest smile, the gentlest touch, the deepest eyes and said the truest of words…
She felt his passion, submerged herself in his love, drank his sweetness and sang in utter joy with the humming birds…
He showed her a different aspect of life, one which he played the role of her Romeo; her white knight…
She was able to feel peace now that he was close; she was able to enjoy every day and embrace every night…
He taught her how to love with all her heart and guided her to giving more and more…
She felt safe and secure and believed in herself and the good in the world more than any time before!
He then vanished, packed his suitcase and walked out the door and never came back!
She felt shattered, abandoned, abused and her blue skies turned into a dreadful black…
He never gave any reasons for why he left, never explained, didn't even send a message or even leave a note!
She was just left there in the middle of the ocean of her deceased happiness, stranded alone on her misery boat!

They could have had it all: the happiness, the hopes, the dreams and the prefect love…
Instead now they are only a story that people who knew them speak of!

Forgive Me World For I Have...

Forgive me world for I have failed!
Failed to recognize the beauty bestowed in your twists and curves…
Failed to hold on to my dreams and to nourish my soul as it deserves!
Failed to believe in the "good" of people after so many losing rounds!
Failed to find some peace upon them and failed to locate our common grounds!

Forgive me world for I have lied!
Lied about being strong and invincible; lied about being not scared…
Lied about not caring about all the rumors people spread and shared!
Lied about being able to "do it alone" with no one there to take my hand…
Lied about finding my real home, my haven, my true home land…

Forgive me world for I have cried!
Cried to the days and cried to the nights…
Cried because of all those endless fights!
Cried not knowing the pains others may have felt…
Cried until my eyes became red and welt!

Forgive me world for I longer could fail or lie or cry…
I no longer could bear disappointments, shames or another good bye!

It's Been Long...

It has been so long since I sat down behind this cold screen and decided to write…
I feel like it was in another life, a lifetime I somehow left behind…
It feels as if it was ages ago the time I put up, against this life's hardships, a good fight…
As if my reoccurring nightmares were able to get the best of me and forced me to hide…
Everything still feels so unreal now, like I'm living in an endless dream…
Shadows and faces haunt my every thought, taking me back to where I was…
A million ideas looping around my heavy headed head and I stop to scream…
But my voice is a silent choke and the world is brought to a pause…

Let's Talk About.... Jealousy!

I’ve been single for a while now yet the idea of jealousy, what it is, what it represents, how to handle it and its advantages and disadvantages has been chasing me around for a while now! As the dictionary defines it: “Jealousy typically refers to the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that occur when a person believes a valued relationship is being threatened by a rival. This rival may have no knowledge of threatening the relationship. The word stems from the French jalousie, formed from jaloux (jealous), and further from Low Latin zelosus (full of zeal), and from the Greek word for "ardour, zeal" (with a root connoting "to boil, ferment"; or "yeast"). Jealousy is a familiar experience in human relationships. It has been reported in every culture and in many forms where researchers have looked. It has been observed in infants as young as 5-6 months old and in adults over 65 years old.” As for me, the term itself presents a dilemma… At university, in my Interpersonal Communication course, Dr. Mohsen stressed that jealousy is the lack of trust in yourself and your partner and it is in no way a sign of love. My ex-boyfriend strongly agreed! Still, I see things differently. I see a beautiful girl who is smart, funny and confident lose grip of rationality when she sees the man she loves flirting with another girl and I see a handsome, caring, loving, giving and intellectual man get annoyed by his girlfriend’s male friends though he knows they are in no way a competition for her heart! So, what does that mean? I believe too much or too little of anything is bad for you! Take alcohol for example: some of it might help reduce the risk of heart problems while a lot of it can cause you liver damage and other serious problems. Or how about sleep? The simple act of closing your eyes and just drifting to dreamland… Too little of it will cause you lack of concentration and fatigue! Now think with me: what is it do you really prefer? No jealousy at all or some that shows that he/she do care and do not take you for granted?

So You Think You Know Me???

Someone recently told me that my writings are too "self-centered" and they only revolve around my concerns and my worries and daily troubles. Through the feedback I usually get from my more frequent readers, I feel that this is an understatement of my writing yet I feel the urge to ask do you feel the same as that someone?

This leads me to today's topic which is, in my opinion, a general concern to many people as well as me of course: Misjudging others. Lately I have been in this circle of constantly and continuously trying to prove to many people that I am a lot more than they perceive me to be; I am more than a confused soul that goes around saying and doing things that I myself can not seem to give logical reasoning for!
First and foremost, I am a person with feelings, which tends to slip many people's minds when talking about my personality, my looks, the way I think, my writings etc.

Second of all, I am an independent entity who has the right to make decisions, even wrong and "stupid" ones. I have the right to chose where to go and when, what to think and why, whom to like and whom to keep my distance from.

Third of all, I am me: a whole full package which can not and will not be divided and/or broken down into pieces to fit people's likes and preferences.

Finally, my faults are my differences from others and I demand respect for them. My insecurities make me the strong person I see myself to be. My confusion always urges me to search for more and seek more from life. My moodiness shapes me into a bundle of smiles, tears and maybe even bursts of anger which channel into a calmer and more serene me with time. My sensitivity brings me closer to earth instead of having my head up in the clouds watching people with no care or empathy. It is the most relevant reason for my writings and for my passion for life and for others who give enough attention and care to be in it.

So why go on and misjudge me just because you THINK you know me? Come here, get a little bit closer and you'll see me for who I am: What you see is what you get and I have nothing to hide.

I know now how easy it is to put "tags" on people and call them different names just by looking at them from a distance. I know now how harsh and even inhuman that can be. So please, throughout your daily lives I urge you to try to always look deeper than the fake accents, the make up, the insignificant talk and dig in to really know who that "other" is, he/she might end up being one of the closest people you might meet!

Sharing My Bed!

Due to my unexpected and yet very disturbing allergies I was unable to sleep the whole night. Tossing and turning in my bed, feeling cold and hot flashes, losing breath as if I've been running for hours and thinking about everything and nothing at the same time.

The worst part of the night is for sure that in which your worst fears and nightmares, thoughts and worries and hurtful words of others decide to slip in your bed next to you, wrap themselves real tight under your covers and start haunting you!

During those hours of uneasiness, especially last night, my inhibitions slowly pushed me out of my own bed and then dragged me here, to the PC, to write.

I am now staring blankly into the monitor and thinking of which agitating thought to tackle in this piece of writing and I really can't seem to choose just one!

I know many of you have spent sleepless hours thinking about one or more of your problems, analyzing them, trying to play the doctor's role to diagnose the reasons behind them and prescribe a solution for them and I know many of you have succeeded to do so while others failed!

On the scale of one to ten, I think my problem solving technique could be rated as one (being the lowest possible score) following this series of useless wasted hours that caused no rational or even irrational solutions to any of my problems!

A pause--- the thoughts come to a halt as I take a look into the horizon and see the sky flooded with clouds of grey and white shades and tips of gold reflecting of the sun.

As I slowly take my eyes away from the awe of nature, I once again fall into my own carefully woven blanket of thoughts… "What now?" I ask myself while the echoes of my question linger on in the back of my mind…

Personality Check!

Moving from the private to the public in order to make my writing a little less "self-centered" and more of a public concern, allow me to talk about the different personality types I have met along the road of life. I would like your honest opinions regarding my critique and evaluation of those personalities because I'm sure they have crossed your path as well!

Please note:
*The names I will choose to call each personality is not in any way scientific or philosophically related. I have created each name which will properly portray the characteristics of each personality.
* A person could fall into one or more (yet also none) of the personality types I will be listing.

The "Save Me" Personality:
Those who fall into this category are people who believe they have been through so many hard times in their lives. Whether the "hard times" were in reality harsh or not is not a matter that concerns me.
Now a person with the "Save Me" personality is one which was not able to learn from his/her mistakes or the mistakes of others and always seeks shelter and safety in the arms of someone (or anyone). He/she tries hard to fit into any group and belong. Their loyalties, beliefs and values are flexible and could easily be changed for the sake of 'fitting in".

The "I Don't Give A Damn" Personality:
People who have this type of personality:
Either became so due to the way they were raised, their parents' teachings and their surroundings.
Or became so due to a painful experience which altered their lives and thus their personality.

The "I Don't Give A Damn" personality type usually holds those who will speak and act with no thoughts to others' feelings. They are self-centered and love to be the focal point of everyone's attention. Their life is aimless though they always try to convince others otherwise! They are also rarely scared of anything and friends to them are just a tool that they sue to waste time. Love, in the eyes of this type of personality, is not rational and carries no value.

The "I Am The Boss" Personality:
Now this type of personality is the hardest to deal with!
Everyone who falls under this category always thinks his/her way is the right one. They refuse to listen to what anyone has to say and might not even be willing to hear it! They want things to go as they please at any given time and they do not leave any room for arguing or discussing any topic they have a predefined opinion of.
This personality is one which attracts many weaker and less rooted personalities and it is able to accommodate them and love them all as long as they are the herd and it is the shepherd.


The "Love Me" Personality:
People who have had a bad childhood and who have been haunted by their painful memories will fit just right in this category. The "Love Me" personality is one which is scared, confused and alone. It is one which seeks love constantly and feels complete only when it finds its "better" half. It is capable of giving so much love and attention yet it is always afraid of being abandoned.
People who fall under this type of personalities can be of a strong or weak character and could also be of a good or evil one.

The "Life Is Passing By" Personality:
This personality just stands on the side as the world passes it by. It is passive to changes and experiences. It has no clue of what is going on around and doesn't even think about asking.
People in this classification are the ones who believe that "we will die sooner or later so why the hassle?" They like spending many hours alone doing nothing and thinking about no one. They shy away from any relation that could cause them to think. They could be a lot of fun to hang out with after a long working day because they have an aimless sense of humor which could be tolerated only at times.

Finally, and as one wise man said: “Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.”

Thank you for your time…

Cabbies: A Different Approach!

And yet another morning… This one was rather calm though: the silence after the storm…

My night was fairly good until that late hour of the night when all my fears and worries conspired against me and pulled out those trapped tears which chose to share my pillow with me and fall asleep by my side…

It passed now… It’s a new day…

I chose not to take the car today… I don’t feel up to driving so I walked out of the house and into the street waiting to find a cab to take me to work…

As I walked and waited, listening to my music and trying to push away those ideas trying to surface, I could see the sun rays color my curls with so much talent and I could feel the warm breeze touch my cheeks with so much tenderness…

A cab pulled up and I got in…

A million “cab-related" ideas started bombarding my mind and for the first time in my life I felt that I had enough of them to actually write an article and dedicate it to “cabbies”!

Take a very short moment to think about this:

How many times a day do we swear, scream or curse at cab drivers?
Don’t you just hate how they forget to let you know before changing lanes or suddenly stopping to pick up someone?
Isn’t it unnerving how they are always in a rush to get somewhere?
If you’re a non-smoker, don’t you just hate it when the cab driver is smoking right next to you?
How about their weird taste in music? The conversations they try to open? The way they look at you in the mirror? How they always like taking the farthest way to drop you off when you might be in a hurry? How many of them seem to never have change!?

Now I do realize how annoying those things may be and how sometimes we tend to lose our temper from their selfish and unethical acts yet clear your mind for a second and think about this:

Do we really know what time this cab driver left his house and what time he will get back? Do we ever think of the number of hours he spends going around picking and dropping me, you, him, her or them up?
If the cab doesn’t put the AC on we complain for those 20 minutes max we will be in the cab, do we ever think how many hours the cab driver spends in his car with no AC?
Can we really blame the cab driver for wanting to “rip us off” those 5 or 10 piasters when the fuel prices are constantly rising and the living conditions are constantly deteriorating?
If we sit alone for an hour we get bored, can we then blame the cab drivers for trying to come up with any kind of conversation in order to pass time?
Finally, are cab drivers really the only ones who fail to follow driving regulations and etiquette?

I’m sure each of you will have different opinions regarding this subject…

My only wish is that it will add a spoon of empathy to your daily encounter with cabbies!

Have a nice day…

Sincere Dedication...

A few days ago I thought of writing something to dedicate it to all my readers, friends and acquaintances and I did and forgot to press the publish button and it was all gone! Since then, I’ve been trying to gather the “right” words to write it again but I can’t seem to get them the way they were but I still have the urge to write it! So here we go:

To everyone who ever passed in my short and humble life time…
To all the true friends who stood by me and supported me…
To all those who criticized me…
To all those who smiled to me and maybe grinned at me behind my back!
To every person who I ever shook hands with…
To every girl or guy who talked to me about his/her fears…
To all those who crossed my path one any given day…

Thank you… Each and every one of you has added something to my life and to my experiences…
Whether you caused me to smile or were a reason for a warm tear, whether you made me laugh or frustrated me and even if you never ever positively or negatively affected me… Each one of you is special in his/her own way… Each one of you left a footstep on the streets of my daily life…

Thank you for breathing and for being alive…

An Unusual Topic...

I do realize that the following piece of writing will not bear any importance to many of you. I also know that many will consider it ridiculous or might even mock it. Therefore, I will give you a brief introduction of the content of it so you can decide whether to go on reading or find something better to do with your time!

The subject of this piece of writing is: My Cat!

We all woke up early this morning because my cat’s vet is coming over to perform an operation! It turns out that my old grumpy cat has cancer and it has spread so close to the spinal cord that if we waited a bit longer, things would have gotten ugly!


What is it that made me feel the urge to write? Well, I’ve had my cat for more than 11 years now and he’s everyone’s spoiled brat at home! From the day I got him and his five little sisters and brothers, he has been one of the family members! I can still remember how we fed him the milk drop by drop and how he used to cuddle next to the dog we had back then, maybe thinking it was his mom!

Though he is a very independent, cunning and moody cat, he is one of the reasons we smile at home! Sometimes, he gets those crazy fits and starts running around the house for no reason and jumping everywhere as if he was bird! At others, he would come crawling next to me if I’m feeling down and he’d insist that he sits in my lap!

Sometimes, this really stubborn cat ignores us until we pretend that we’re calling it for food… He will be in front of me and wouldn’t budge when I call his name then when I say: “ta3meeke”, he’d look up at me with those begging eyes!

My old and grumpy cat was laying on the table in front of us all, drugged, while the vet took out the lump… My cat was laying there still while the vet was doing the stitches… My cat is now asleep, hopefully feeling no pain…

At the end of the day, this was just a cat, yet the whole thing was painful to us… What if…………….?

May God protect all our loved ones and keep them safe…

To the Man Behind the Horizon...

I know I am a semi-rational girl, or at least I think I am but the following brief yet emotionally loaded piece has nothing to do with reason, rationality or sanity…

This is dedicated to the man behind the horizon… The one whose presence is not yet tangible yet powerfully felt… The one whose existence reinforces my faith in everything and anything that is wholly and sacred… To the one who was able, and with the minimum effort possible, to capture and hold captive my thoughts and serenity… To the man behind the horizon: This one goes out to you…

As we chat the day away, and as the hours pass and drift by with no burdens of the next hour or the following step… I sink into blissful thoughts of what I would call the possible impossible… I breathe in and sigh then I whisper these words…

I miss what I might find in you…
I miss who you might be...
I miss who I feel you are...

I wonder what destiny has planned for you and me…
I wonder how things came to be…
I wonder how it will end, where is will lead…

To the man behind the horizon: Thank you for re-entering the stage of my life…