Wishing everyone out there, Muslims and non-Muslims, yet another year of more and more giving, caring and most importantly understanding....

Love... Is It Evil??

Many people live all their lives waiting to feel love… Lingering aside the long rough and winding roads of time to experience the serenity that love brings… Anticipating the positive change in their daily routine that love will create…

What many of these people do not know that once they have experienced this wholly and sacred emotion, if they ever do, they will bear the greatest pain of all during it and at the time when they lose it…

During this passionate lifetime, people are blinded by the truth, they might be lied to or hurt in one way or another, yet they keep holding on… They feel threatened of losing it every second of every day…

Then, after this love is lost, people are not the same… They simply become shattered pieces of their previous selves… They might lose their pride and self respect trying to regain this love, and then, they will even become a bigger mess!! This jumble is irremediable and neither time nor new experiences can turn people back to who they were…

Lately, I began to gain faith in a new concept: the wickedness of love!

I pray, to God and his angels, that this is just a passing phase…

The Power of Words...

Recently, I’ve been seriously pondering the power of words… The words we hear in a movie, the lyrics of a song, the words said on the news or on radio shows, the words people say to us, or about us, and the words we say in response…

It strikes me as kind of “paradoxical” how much power words have on us… We, who are supposed to be rational, thinking and even smart beings, how easily we are moved by words…, how easily our hearts can be broken by a few words and yet how simply they can be mended by a word or two…

It is also confusing how words make you trust people and words, too, make you lose faith in people and lose trust in everything around you…

Words also can be a reason for some to fall in or out of love…For others to gain or lose a friend… For many to win or lose a job, a deal, or even respect…

Nothing, in my opinion, is stronger that words… They are the key to every little jigsaw puzzle we face through our daily lives… They are the ultimate weapon that people can use…

Remember this: “Sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me!”

Who are we kidding? Ourselves? I mean words are the definitive tool of mass destruction of the soul and mind… Why? Because their effect stays so long after they are spelt out and heard… It stays deep in our memories and thoughts, retrieved at the utmost time of pain and forgotten through our days’ continuous hardships…

Wishing each and every person I care about, the best times, the peace of mind, joy of soul and the gift of true love...

The Sarcasm of Life!

Sometimes life hits you hard...

It crashes you and breaks you down...

It shatters your soul and damages the things you cherish the most...

Then, someone comes along, gives you hope for a better day, for a new beginning, for a sincere smile…

But, does it all end there? Of course not…. You are faced with so many facts that you have to live with:

1. There is no extreme happiness (utopian kind of joy).
2. There is nothing perfect, or even close to that!
3. You can never have all that you want or even most of it.
4. Friends do come and go.
5. Life is too short.
6. Love is a joke - an overrated, unrealistic and overused non-existing concept!

Untitled...

Finally, it rained in Amman! It even snowed!
The earth can finally clench its long going thirst...
The trees and grass can finally rid themselves of the mounted up dust and dirt...
I love the snow, the purity its whiteness brings…
How it can usually wipe away the darkness of the soul…
I love the touch of it, the peace its texture gives birth to…
How it elegantly falls downs from the sky and dresses the ground…

This time, something is different… I wish I knew what… I wish I knew why… I wish I had more answers to my many known and unknown questions…

Lately, I just lose myself in anything… In music, writing (unpublished), thoughts, I even lose myself in myself if that makes any sense…

To be continued….

Contemplations of the Day!

After a long day full of different activities and crazy events, I retire to my room once again…
I sit there; staring aimlessly around me, wondering what can I do without driving myself insane!
To think of the past will bring no peace, neither will thinking about the days ahead…
Should I just waste more time or should I write how I feel instead?

Finally, as you can see, I decide to write… I decide to set my spirit free, and allow myself to wonder into the short-term memories of the day…

Earlier today, a 70 years old lady talked to me about the value of time…
I could hear in her tone how she feels that wasting time is a crime!
I am reminded now of every word her pure voice spelt to me…
The wisdom in her eyes and the pride that I want in me to be…
We spoke of mother earth, planet Gaia, and how angry it is at man…
Of the revenge it may one day bring upon its inhabitants, and that it can….
We discussed the similarity of human beings to the animals running wild…
With every story she told, I looked deeper into my soul and smiled…
And as we talked, I lost track of pain and in nature I flew!
Peace of mind washed over me and at that moment I knew:

There are much larger things in this life than you and I….
There is more suffering and pain that may never die!
No matter how unlucky we feel, our blessing we should always count…
And be sure that if we think of our troubles all the time, they will mount!
Feeding the soul is the best gift we have and will ever truly need…
It needs no money and brings so much worth in our lives indeed…

Never Ending Desolation!

As if to announce the ongoing misery, I hear screaming outside my room…
I hear breaking, shrieking, destruction and a boom!
I leave the haven which I burry myself in to avoid uncalled for fights…
Where I just sit and write with no hopes, no dreams and no lights!
Yet another reason to argue, another blame and another guilt…
One more reason for my faith to wither and wilt!
Frustration leads you to do things that time may reveal were simply wrong!
Your sanity may trick you for the cruel past you may long…
Trying so hard to be everything you want and can be…
Struggling from your pains and fears to be free…

I Wonder...

Do eyes really reveal the sorrow in the heart?
Does the pain of separation heal after being apart?
Does the sky rain in agony and tears?
Will I get over my hidden and great fears?
Do the spring's flowers for lovers bloom?
Does the cloud realize its bitterness and gloom?
Do the trees sway to welcome the breeze?
Do the lakes, in anger, become cold and freeze?
Does the night know the loneliness it carries?
Will one day come when we have no worries?
Does true love only exist in Shakespeare's books?
Do people fall in love based on charm and looks?
Can happiness be truly looked for and found?
Are all people walking equally on this ground?
Do we learn from our wrongs and mistakes?
Why with every thought of the past your soul shakes?
When do you know his/her words are really true?
Who is the "one" that God has created for you?

A Trip down the Memory Path….

Memories… My favorite masochistic subject!
It is hilarious, beyond sardonic, how what it all boils down to is this:
What you want, what you need and desire, you can not have and yet, what you avoid and wish to be away from haunts your stride and your every contemplation…

A few days ago, I had a sudden and indefinable rendezvous with my memories… Those that have haunted me for shiny, busy days and long, lonely nights… Memories that invaded my dreams and attacked my peace of mind… Memories that I lost every battle against….

A picture captures every detail in a certain event or occasion but memories are way too technically advanced because they capture the details of the place and the faces as well as each emotion felt at that time…

While visiting every corner, street, physical place of my memory path, a bunch of strayed feelings fluttered in my mind and for a moment, I was actually there… Where it all began and ended, one day, so far away from now…

I look at myself now, I look around me, I am here, not anywhere else, but here, in my room, in front of my PC, just typing away the pains of the deceased memories, the last ashes of the burning fires….

Although it may seem so unreal, it's another day… Far away… Far away…

The Impossible Vs. The Possible!

Rarely, only at certain moments, one might get to a point where he/she wants only what they can not have…
Whether it was a simple compliment, a hug, a date, or even a phone call!
This girl/guy end up in a dilemma: how can I have the "impossible"?
The struggle begins….
The inner emotions and feelings start getting in a muddle and as time passes by, he/she seems to forget the importance of what he/she can have or have already the "possible"…
As days go by, distance grows, not from the other part, from the self, and the doors of chaos are opened…
Guilt, pain, sadness and desperation invade and settle in the daily life routine and happiness and comfort just dash outside the windows of the soul!

The truth of the matter is: Why don't we believe that what we can not have is simply not what we need?
Why can't we trust that the "impossible" is not meant for us?

We humans can be so naïve sometimes!!! We are easily drifted towards the agony that life carries with its every turn and twist… We are quickly drowned in its melancholy…

Giving up on someone or something might be the "courageous" thing to do… Holding on could be the "cowardly" action we are trying to achieve!

Think about that… I know I am….

Goodbye My Friend....

Simply... Just as if it were a beautiful yet painful dream... He was gone....

I look back at it now and I can't help but think: Were they my illusions?

Each moment we have spent together, all the laughs, they are done...

I am left to struggle through the days and the many exhausting confusions...

I can't explain how I feel cause I'm caught up in the many webs of pain...

I have lost many battles and I am sure missing him is a one I can't gain!

I will see him again, I know, whether far or soon...

I will pray for his safety while looking at the stars and the moon...

How cruel this life is, being under the same sky yet far away...

I just wish he was still here, I wish that he was able to stay...

Eye Contact...

Through our daily lives, whether in the car, walking, in a restaurant, or in the shopping malls, our eyes make contact with strangers... This eye contact can range from a fraction of a second to 5 or more seconds... Then, when it is over, we go back to doing whatever it is we were doing: eating, walking, driving, shopping, etc...

Yet, have you ever thought about this: the person your eye made contact with could easily be the next "good" friend you never had, the next person you will make a work deal with, the person who can make you smile one day, the next enemy you will gain, or maybe even the person you will spend the rest of your life with?

Now, while having this "short and basically useless" eye contact, think about this... It will draw a smile on your face!

The Doors of Memory...

Memory....

It is a complex mental function having four distinct phases: (1) memorizing or learning, (2) retention, (3) recall, and (4) recognition. Clinically, it is usually subdivided into immediate, recent, and remote memory. The area of cognitive psychology that studies memory processes. The cognitive processes whereby past experience is remembered. The power of retaining and recalling past experience. The recollection of past events and experiences stored from learning and instinctive behavior.

Last night, while I was out trying to change my somewhat depressed mood, a thought just occurred to me... The complexity of memory!

"As I run in the doors of my mind,

I find painful memories attacking me from ahead and behind..."

It is so true how one memory door opens another... You are sitting there and suddenly something triggers one memory... Whether it is painful or not, this memory, when you let yourself think about it long enough, will automatically remind you of another similar one... This is similar to the ripple effect, only not in a liquid matter, yet through your mental thoughts!

This is an amazing phenomenon, yet it remains exhausting, especially if you retain a series of sad or painful memories! Once you have opened one door, the others are opened too and you need more time to close them again and go back to living the present....

Social Resumes!

After a long argument with my friends at work about relationships and marriage, I came up with this "crazy" idea! I will tell you about it and I would love to see what you think!

Well, it is the normal procedure to send your resume to a job you are applying to. I am sure all of you did it if not once, then many times. I know I did!
In our CV, we mention our names, contact info, date of birth, then we go deeper into our education, work experiences, hobbies, skills, references, etc...

Now, this is where my crazy idea sprung! Why don't we all, females and males, apply the same procedure to our social, relationship- related lives!

I mean, whether we are trying to be someone's friends or trying to enter their hearts, why don't we decrease the percentage of getting rejected later on in the relationship by preparing our own detailed "romance" or friendship" resumes, which we give to the other party as soon as there is interest and just wait for them to review them and tell us what they think?

My idea of a "Romance Resume" can include the following details:

1. The usual: date of birth, horoscopes (many believe in them), name, place of birth, religion and nationality!
2. The name and description of each guy/girl that person dated.
3. The "type" of fights you had.
4. The reason of breaking up.

5. The current status of the heart: broken, healing, dead!

Well, it can be more detailed as you know, depending on the type of relationship you are opting for! If it is just for fun, for example, you need to lessen the amount of info you give and so on...

I know many of you will think: Is she insane?

Well, think about it, how many beautiful and almost perfect relationships were destroyed due to "insufficient data"! :)

A Reminder...

As you go through every second in your day... Remember this:

Accents, nationalities, religions and differences between people are what makes them unique...

Yet, the simple desire to share something (love, friendship, a chat...) means that we can unite and blend into the world of differences without any boarders...

The Reason Behind Our Existence...

Have you ever asked yourself this question: Why was I born? Why am I here?

Well, I think that no matter how many times we think about this, the answer is really simple:

Each of us have our own personal legend to fulfill..

Now, where are people in this formula? What is their role?

Well, nothing! It should not matter if other people support us, criticize us, make fun of us, ignore us or put up with us...

This, what it boils down to, is OUR DESTINY and we should believe in it and that one day, we will fulfill it...

Death?

Why fear it? We will all die one day... The important thing is to try, as hard as we can, to go after our dreams, hopes and destiny and with love, patience and utmost respect for ourselves, fulfill our legend before death comes knocking at our doors...

An Insight into Hope...

Inspired by my favorite author, Paulo Coelho....

What is the real meaning of the word "hope"? I have asked myself that question over and over gain... Especially on those long nights that I have spent on my bed, just thinking, waiting for the light of day to come through my window...

As the dictionary states:

Hope is:

Definition: longing; dreaming. It is wishing for something with expectation of its fulfillment.

As for its antonyms. They are despair, disbelief, discouragement, hopelessness, pessimism

To hope with little reason or justification is hoping against hope yet, it is still hope!!!

Therefore, hope is a word that often wakes up with us each morning, it gets badly injured and wounded as the day progresses, it dies at nightfall yet it is reborn with the dawn of every new day...

Think about that....

The Concept of the Word "Need"..

The Various Definitions of the word "Need":

1. A condition or situation in which something is required or wanted: crops in need of water; a need for affection.
2. Something required or wanted; a requisite.
3. Necessity; obligation: There is no need for you to go.
4. A condition of poverty or misfortune: The family is in dire need.

The concept of Needs is often used to refer to things that people "must" have. They are often contrasted with wants, which are more discretionary.

Lately, I've been pondering the meaning and power of the word need and the negative connotations it carries with it. All human beings, as Maslow portrays in his hierarchy of needs, have certain needs that must be fulfilled; beginning with the need for food, shelter and ending with the need of self-actualization. Therefore, it is a fact that all human beings, no matter what level of the society they occupy, are born with needs that linger on until the day they die.

Need is therefore a responsibility laid upon our shoulders the moment we leave the warm womb of our mothers into the cold and mysterious life we are born onto.

I think of my friends and myself now… I think how we have covered, throughout our life time till this second, only one portion of the hierarchy of needs and yet we are thinking of the rest of the pyramid each minute of every day.

I can not really figure out whether this is positive or negative thing but I know one thing for sure, the need for love, affection and stability is one that torments us as human beings. It is the one that prevents us from moving way up in the pyramid and becoming fully satisfied!

New Research...

New research reveals the possibility of a new drug that is able to erase bad memories and traumatic recollections! Wow! Who could have thought we would reach this stage of development in the medical sector?!

I remember when I first read about this drug, I was really happy, excited and curious. I tried finding more information about it, details, side effects, probability of success. You'd be surprised how many people were excited as much as I was, or maybe even more. Can you imagine the power of such a drug? I mean all those who have suffered from painful memories such as home violence, abuse, wars, etc, can you even begin to comprehend how getting rid of all those memories would be useful to their every day lives and their personal existence and personality?

On the other hand, some people objected to this drug's effects. They reasoned that with the use of it, criminals, offenders and murderers will take this drug as a way out, an escape, from the guilt brought by their actions and crimes.

To be honest, I did not go that far with my thought, I just considered one thing: What will happen to all the good memories in between those painful and traumatic ones? What will happen to the things we learnt from those hurtful experiences? And how will the obliteration of those memories make a difference in who we are now and how we think?

What do you think? Would you encourage or discourage the use of such a drug?

Numerology.. What it says about me..

The Life Path 9 suggests that you entered this plane with an abundance of dramatic feelings coupled with a strong sense of compassion and generosity. Even the very average of those with life path 9 possess extremely compassionate tendencies.
Usually this number produces an individual that is very trustworthy and honorable, and one unlikely to harbor any sort of prejudice.

Material gains are not overly important, although the quality of some life path 9 people is such that they are materially rewarded in very significant ways. The rare 9 life path has a totally selfless attitude, giving up of material possessions for the common good.
The 9 Life Path indicates you have a commanding presence. You have the ability to make friends very easily, as people are attracted to your magnetic, open personality. You meet people easily and are quickly befriended because of your openness and amiable demeanor. Your genial ways often put you in the lead in whatever field of endeavor you pursue.
Relationships can be difficult for you because it is hard to strike a balance that will work effectively. If your partner is one sharing your giving attitudes, the relationship will be happy and lasting. On the other hand, if you choose a partner whose focus is on material issues, problems will arise quickly.
You tend to be quite sensitive, as you see the world with much feeling. The number 9's very deep understanding of life is sometimes manifested in the artistic and literary fields. If drama and acting is not your forte, it will surely be an area of great interest and potential. Likewise, you may be able to express your deep emotional feelings through painting, writing, music, or other art forms.
The purpose of life for those with a 9 life path is often of a philosophical nature. Judges, spiritual leaders, healers and educators frequently have much 9 energy.

Above the Mountains, My Peace of Mind Awaits...

In the midst of all the tears, a faint hope emerges through the darkness…
It was the warmth of your eyes whipping away all my sadness…
For a moment there, I stood in silence, couldn't believe you were real…
Wasn't able to recognize my emotions or the way that I feel…
You opened up my eyes to a different world, one that could only be built by you…
You drew a smile on my face, a smile that almost hurt because it was late yet true…
Yet, when I'm alone at night, I think of myself alone again, coping with more pain…
Waiting for so long to find you yet afraid of the loss I will bear after this massive gain!
Continuously and savagely, life has tossed me around here and there…
Till I found myself thinking: I will never find anyone who will really care…
And here I am, happy and scared to lose it all in a turn of a page…
I can't help but wonder how when the end comes, I will cope with that rage!
Oh Lord, dear skies, stars and moon, have mercy on my soul this time…
Don't build up soaring mountains ahead me, too high for me to climb!

More Questions...

What is right? What is wrong? What is true and what is fake?
Do you let go? Or should hold on so tight till you both break?
When should you say: I love you and I truly care?
When is breaking up and moving on really fair?
How do you know that this is the one for you?
How can you stop yourself over a dead love being blue?
Why is it so hard to say goodbye?
Why do we always have to cry?
When will there be time for bliss to fill up our eyes?
When will our screams end? When will we quit the sighs?

Paradoxical Issues!

Last night, while being submerged in extreme bliss, it occurred to me…
The scarcity of pure joy, the irony of life and the cruelty of destiny…
Nothing in this world is complete; nothing is perfect or whole…
Pain, agony and despair seem to always want to play their role…
Whenever you feel that you defeated pain with a new friend or love…
A new challenge or misery is born from somewhere up above…
Religion, origins or even money can be a reason for loss…
And sooner or later, this true emotion you need to simply toss!
It is plainly paradoxical and yet painful to a large extreme…
How simply you have to give up each hope you had and every dream…
As days go by, you lose faith in all that matters; you lose your soul…
With every breath you take you lose touch with reality, you lose control…

Dedication...

As I rest in the corner, I observe the world passing me by…

I am reminded of those peaceful days that faded away with a blink of an eye…

I charge through the doors of my mind, rummaging around for happy memories to embrace… While tears of fear and confusion disturb my every thought and scurry down my face…

Missing your serenity, your passion, your smile and affectionate embrace…

Remembering the beauty of your soul, the glimmer in your eyes and your grace…

Although you are here next to me, your pain makes you so distant and so far…

And I sit there just marveling what you might be thinking of, and were you are…

What I feel right now is too much for me to endure…

Because my love for you is so deep and the way I care for you is so pure…

Your sorrow penetrates my existence, and leaves me there so numb and cold…

Your eyes are so tired and you soul, the aching, can barely hold…

Modelling at the Marriot

Rain Scribbles

I hear a knock on my window and I look to find the scribbles of the rain…
It seems to me so harmless, washing away the grime, leaving no stain…
I run outside to feel its blessing wash away my fears and cries…
I opt for it to cleanse my soul and steal the tears from my eyes…
It is cold outside yet inside of me still your fire burns…
It is cold outside yet within me the love for you still yearns…
I glance ahead in the distance and I can still your face…
I can still feel your warmth, the tenderness in your words and embrace…
The rain is here again, joy to the grounds that suffered from thirst…
Jolly are the flowers and the trees that last winter it nursed…
It is cold outside yet inside of me still your fire burns…
It is cold outside yet within me the love for you still yearns…
My inner child whispers: I'm scared, insecure and alone…
As we both hear the winds in near the front door scream and moan…
The secret of nature is revealed yet again to me…
For one soul to be captured, another one has to be free…

Dreaming Time...

Dreaming time is over now, how cruel her reality seems…
Faded hopes, lost wishes and many deceased dreams…
Despair fills her bones; she could feel it up to her head!
And she is swathed with ever-petrified fear and dread…
She allows in her bosom a picture of him to awake…
Yet observe him and their memories burn, wiggle and shake…
Dreaming time is over now, how warm his red cheeks blazed…
His tender hands covering his lips' goodbye as she, in awe, gazed…
The end looms in the air, deliberate and slow…
As he slowly drifts away and she watches him go…

The Twists of Fate!

To my mind, believing in the power of fate is sacred and comforting... I have always thought that "what is meant to be will happen, no matter what"... In the book I'm currently writing, it shows how I strongly believed in that and fought so hard for it... And how, day by day, week by week, month by month, this faith in fate began to fade!
Fate can be, and is, twisted by the actions we do, the words we say, the people we meet, those we decide to stop talking to... It can be affected by a song we hear, a movie we watch or even a beautiful picture we see...
I am humbled by the powers of humans to change their fate... I am humbled by their efforts to manipulate their paths... I am shocked by the ability of these small events and their effect on the way our road in life turns and changes...
I do know now that maybe sitting on the side and watching life go by might actually bring me closer to what I desire... But also, I know that maybe, just maybe, when I get what I desire it just would not be what I truly need!
"Kind of confusing huh! :)"

Capturing Moments!

After a long pause of silence, he turned to me, smiled then said:

"I wish we had a camera that caught moments on film. You know, one that would capture the feelings accompanied with each moment so we can rewind and play them back whenever we please or at least, whenver we need..."

With a deep breath and a hidden weakness, I replied saying:

" I really wish there was such a thing, I guess all humans wish they could have such a device.. Knowing for a fact that moments, especially those which are so beautiful and sacred, do not happen twice in life, never the same..."

Now, a day has passed and I've been thinking seriously about his words... What if we can have that device?? Would it be as beutiful as we thought it would be? Isn't there a chance that we might lose other precious moments while replaying those moments? Would it really be such a great idea?

I really don't know... What do you think?

A Dear Friend's Definition of Me!

We are not what we eat. Well, physically, we are little (if anything) more than what we eat. But who we are, as individual thinking entities, has nothing to do with what we eat. If we were to break down our “being” in a manner similar to the one that ends with the conclusion that we are what we eat, then the counterpart of that statement regarding the other side of “us”, the mental one, would be “we are our experiences”. Of course some of what is “us” can be credited to our conceivers, since instinct and a whole bunch of primal emotions cannot be contributed to experience, but rather to a hereditary pass-down. But that is like saying we are not exactly what we eat because nine months before we were born we never did eat, in a sense that these instincts form a part of our beings that was passed on but is only a basis on which more complex though is built.

It is sometimes interesting to personally try to trace back a thought we had, or a reaction to a certain situation, and see where that idea or reaction came from. What we sometimes mistake for intelligence or cunning is only a result of experience telling us how to act, but more importantly, our personalities, that which make us unique, is the sum of our experiences. Those experiences are perhaps affected by one’s intelligence, or one’s physical attributes, but the net-result is always the same, these experiences form one’s personality.

When someone impresses me, when someone catches my mind’s eye and challenges me, when someone is so sweet and caring that she shifts my perceptions and expectations, you know that there is someone who is truly exceptional. Exceptional. I was bitching to a friend of mine once about how I can’t get over a relationship I was in, even a few months after we broke up. She said that it was the exceptional people you were bound to remember for good. Exceptional. An interesting word in itself, a notch over great or amazing, not quite unique, but rather exceptional. See, it’s like there is a general rule, and that person broke the rule and became an exception. Exceptional. You, my friend, are exceptional. You break all the clichés and norms and “rules”. You go beyond normal expectations, beyond my “high” expectations, and simply strike me as exceptional: an exception to the rule that there are no interesting girls out there.

You are so ahead of everyone else in so many ways that it’s hard to believe that someone like that exists out there. If you’ve ever noticed how I just look at you sometimes, or listen to you talk for a long time and say nothing, is because I admire you. You have no idea how close you feel to me, like a friend I’ve lost a long time ago but whose familiarity I never lost. You are a good person. You are an honest person. You are a simple person. You are a smart person. For all that, you are an exceptional person, a person I am lucky enough to call my friend, and by whom I am blessed enough to be thought of as someone more than a friend. A great exceptional person, who is his experiences. You have been through so much, been through so many things, experiences that humble the greatest of people, and for that you are unique. But for that, you carry along those memories; those memories that help you live your life.

You are your experiences, and as painful some of those be, you are who you are because of each and every one of them. Your first love, your first heart-break, your first betrayal, your first slap, your first true friend, your first job, your first cigarette, this is who you are. This is who I am; this is who we are all. I am thankful for all those experiences because they present me with Beirut, the fair, wonderful and exceptional.

Feelings...

It may be difficult to describe the bundle of emotions one feels at one point…
People seem to confuse many feelings they often experience… This misinterpretation might cause harm and pain to others…
Love could be easily confused with liking someone… Passion could be simply puzzled with lust… And so on…
Who of us can really define what we feel? Who can put in words what they sense truly? I honestly believe that due to the fact that we are emotional beings, we never seem to get it right! We lose ourselves in the moment, we lose ourselves in what we are experiencing, and we are defeated by the magic of the moment…
Infatuation, admiration, respect and care, are they bi-products of love? Or are they just mere components of it? We can never know!
What is love? In the dictionary, it is a term defined as: adoration, affection, caring for, being keen on etc… But what does that mean?
You can love a pet so much then be able to endure losing it then maybe buy another one!
So, does that mean love is finite? It has time lines? Deadlines? Boarders?
How do you prove your love? How do you sacrifice? When do you stop giving? When do you begin letting go?
Life has taught me to ask and wonder… Feelings showed me the meaning of pain… Loss forced my tears to slip away from me…
No advice will ever “lead” your way…
No guidance will ever “protect” you from being hurt…
No friend will ever “take on” your grief…
You are alone in this world… No shoulder to lean on… No shield from the rain of the desire to be secure… You are alone in this world…
Friends come and go… Lovers go in and out of love… That’s the way it is… Over and over again…

Another Piece of Writing from the Past...

Dealing with people could be frustrating sometimes… The constant struggle to reach a middle point could become a load…
The need of belonging could be frightening sometimes… The constant search for a home could become an obsession…
The fear of loneliness could be destructive sometimes… The constant search for a warm cuddle could become an everlasting suffering…
Why do we compromise? Why do we put an effort in reaching middle grounds? Why do we constantly lose ourselves in a battle where we are bound to be beaten?
A thought just crossed my mind: why do we always want what is not ours? Why do we always fight for those things and those people who don’t deserve us and won’t ever fight back for us?
Why do we run after those who truly hurt us and leave behind those who care about us the most?
Whatever we do, we end up being unhappy, we suffer, we cry, we lose hope and faith in people and ourselves eventually…
Life is a rough road leading to nowhere. Love is an illusion leading to misery… Lust is an instinct leading to regret…
The need for attention, affection and love is a knife that cuts deep into our existence…
The desire to be with someone is a poison that runs within our veins…
I wish to be free… Free from all emotions, feelings, hopes and dreams… I wish to be inhuman, to be unable to feel love, hate, happiness, sadness, need, want, desire, lust; all possible contradicting feelings…
Being strong is so hard to do unless you just learn not to feel… And unless you are strong, you will be trampled upon with every breath you take…
Life is unfair… It is a play where luck takes part in as the major character…
Love is unfair… It is a game where loss is inevitable…

Demonstration of Misery...

This is a part of a four page writing I just found on my laptop! I wrote this about half a year ago and just as I was reading it now, I admired it! I chose this part to share with you...

"Big love causes big fires,

fires that are still dangerous till their last breath,

last smoke flicker…
Love is an addiction…

A deadly one if I may add…

It is like being addicted to booze, cigarettes or even drugs…

Some of it will do you good while lots of it will kill you!"

Stereotyping!

Moments, no matter how painful or beautiful they were, never can be cloned...
No two moments are exactly the same despite their similarity...
This applies to both people and feelings...
There exists no two people, males or females, who are the same; photocopies of each other...
The uniqueness built in each person reveals the difference...
Love, happiness, sadness, regret, feeling alone, all these and more, also vary in intensity...
Therefore, stereotyping is wrong and should be eliminated with reference to those, for it equates the individuality and uniqueness in experiences though they are certainly "unequatable"!

الفرحة الموقوتة

أجلس هنا أنا و مخاوفي و أفراحي و أحزاني و قهوتي و

أفكر: بتلك الابتسامة التي أضاءت عتمة ليلي

و ذاك الحنين الصادق الذي أحسسته بدفء عينيه
و هاتين اليدين اللتين لعبتا بخصال شعري
أفكر بالبراءة الطفولية التي أسمعها كلما ضحك أو قهقه
ثم و بقسوة، تهاجمني كلماته الحائرة و المحيرة
و أجد نفسي، مرة ثانية، ضائعة
يغمرني خوف من القادم البعيد
فتسلب مني بسمتي
و ترجع عتمة ليلي لتطاردني من جديد

My Addictions...

I realized something today: I am addicted to disorder...
Addicted to the chaos of the senses with no limit or boarder...
Addicted to warm tears swinging down my cheeks all the way to my neck..
Addicted to a contagious smiles, to deep and sincere eyes which may cause my wreck!
Addicted to the night and its silence and soft and gentle whispers to me...
To the tender breeze that touches my face and fills my essence with glee..
Addicted to giving and providing love, comfort and care...
Fighting through this and trying hard for my fears to bare...
Addicted to sunshine and the warmth to my core it conveys...
Addicted to music and its different meanings in many ways...

Good night fears, doubts and confusion... Tomorrow we might meet again...
Good night Oh stars hidden by the gloomy clouds, carrying so much tears as rain...

Created by My Bestfriend! :)

Why Women Are So Special...

Have you ever thought of women? I mean how special and sacred they are?

Well, if you are a female, or even a male who sees his mother and sister struggle in their everyday life, you should know how precious women are...

My mom, my boss and many other women I know inspire me...

A women like that works hard all day long, she makes sure her home is cozy and clean and still remains to have so much love in her heart to remember to make a sandwich for her husband so he could take his medication and yet more love to make her children feel loved...

She goes through nine months of pregnancy and through the pains of giving birth yet still tries to work hard and look good...

She spends her life trying hard to make life easier for everyone she cares for and still has time to go to the salon, fix her hair, do her nails and buy some clothes...

And in those days when work is hectic, she always remembers her family, she remembers them with guilt and pain... And though she might not have the time to call them, she thinks about them all day long....

There is so much more I can say about those women... But I will end this by saying: "Women are so special and they deserve to feel loved and appreciated..."

To all the great women in my life: Thank you for being an anchor in my life from every aspect...

Meaw!

On a calm Saturday morning, all I can hear is our two cats fighting!
Each struggling to show the other that "it's the man of the house"!
They are so adorable, I really love them both. And I love every cat I've ever met and the ones I haven't yet seen!
Since I was young, I've always found cats' company very calming!
They always can make me laugh when I'm feeling down!
Especially the cute and fluffy ones that are always jumping around!
Making very funny noises and sometimes making no sound!
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my cat liking my hair!
It was so funny and strange, I mean what was he thinking? How did he dare? :)
This piece of writing is dedicated to all the cats God created!
The ones with blue, green, bown or yellow eyes...
The black ones, white ones, and the dirty ones on the streets...
The skinny ones and the fat ones too...
And the ones that have funny faces that make them seem blue!

Another Lesson Learnt...

Happiness and peacefulness are nothing more than products of a combination of good company and a cozy place to gather in and paint new memories...

There is no need for a fire place, a swimming pool or a private Jacuzzi in a big villa to create that happiness, all that is needed is understanding, harmony and spontaneousity...

Money is never the way to happiness, it a means to an end... Nothing more...

Another lesson learnt from life...

I don't wish for money and power, I just wish for the good people I know to stay in my life and be a part of it...

I wish that my mother and brother are always safe and at peace with themselves and the world around them...

I wish to have, one day, a happy home, a warm and cozy atmosphere with the man I love and the seeds of that love...

The only thing I'm sure of right now is I am blessed to be surrounded by those people who care...

So, again and again, thank you for giving my life a different flavor and for making me feel loved...

Those Times...

Moments of silence take me back to those old days...
Back when life was so simple and easy in so many ways...
Going to school, doing my homework and watching tv!
Playing outside, eating chips and candies and going to bed early!
I miss those days when I didn't realize the meaning of being blue...
The feeling of being angry, upset and confused always remains new!
How I loved to joke around, laugh, dance and be free...
And cherished those times when I felt the world revolved around me!
But things do change and with time one grows up to find...
This little child still sits in the corner of his mind...
Love, guilt, pain, responsibility, confusion and also fear...
You seem to learn how to deal with them year by year...
You promise yourself that things will get better some day...
And you fight and struggle as the years pass by and sway...
Like branches of a tree in the middle of a stormy night...
You become satisfied with the company of the moon and its bright light...



P.S: I dedicate this to a few people I know... They feel the same way I do at many times but can't express their feelings well so I'm trying to help! Enjoy!

An Ode to Autumn...

A new beginning, a new morning, a new day...
I look outside my window and watch the trees sway...
Autumn is here, with all its shades of yellows and browns...
If you watch closely, you can see how the sky frowns!
It is getting cooler now, all the fun is about to go away...
The warm sands of the beach and the walks outside every day...
In my mind, Autumn occupies a big part of my memories...
Falling in love, little fights and sweet melodies...
I stare closely at the flowers all around...
They tremble and shiver with no sound...
Yet, the warmth of Autumn is what inspires me...
How families come together, cuddle at home so peacefully...
So an ode to Autumn and the beauty it brings...
And one to the little bird that outside my window now sings...

The Night...

I love the night, how beautiful it makes everything look, how neat...
I love the way it glorifies every corner, every house and every street...
I love the calmness the night brings into my soul and how it sets me free...
How it makes the world seem clearer and how through the darkness it makes me see..
Walking past every house, I can feel the warmth the night can bring...
I can picture the families all inside together and it makes my soul sing...
Never felt so at ease with my existence except when the night falls...
I can imagine me outside celebrating its beauty, away from my mind's walls...
The night calls out to me, it knows how much I appreciate it and it feels my need...
It is the cradle that rocks me to sleep and makes me feel safe indeed...
I love the night, how beautiful it makes me feel, how serene...
It is the least hurtful, the most warming and the most lean...

Dedicated to the "Guys"!

In the midst of all the agony, melancholy and fear of what's to come...
You "guys" are always next to me, holding my hand, bringing hope, even if just some...
I'm blessed to have you in my life, you are the greatest gift that God granted me...
You help me go on, you save my spirit, you set my soul free..
If ever I am ever down and I feel so blue...
I know that I can always count on you...
You put so much effort to make me smile...
And you are pleased when I do, even if for a short while..
When I remember all the times we spent together, laughing, talking and playing around!
I feel peace knowing that at least, in my life, ture friendship I have found...
I wish you the best of luck, I wish you happiness and the greatest success...
I pray that no girl will come in your life and make it a mess!
I just woke up, I still feel sleepy, so I will end this now...
Hoping that all of you will read this somehow!

How Come They Don't See?

On a warm summer's night, as I walk loaded with thoughts and faded dreams...
I pull my head back, stare at the sky and how pure it seems...
A faint brush of calmness falls upon me and I smile...
I then close my eyes for a few seconds, or even a while...
I think to myslef: How come they can't see?
The beauty of nature that embraces me...
How can they just wander around aimlessly?
Without thinking of the harm they bring and the melancholy...
The trees dance for me, the stars shine brighter and the moon washes me with its light..
I lose all will to argue, all will to be mad or put up a fight...
I wonder again: Is it only me who can feel this way?
Can I be the only one who in nature feels like a child going out to play?
To nature I say thank you, for being one of my few real friends...
Providing me with comfort and ease that never stops, lacks or ends...

Scarmbled Thoughts...

I stare again at my keyboard, lost in an endless hollow...
Thinking of days that passed and ones that are yet to follow...

I remember him, as I always do, as every second of my day goes by...
With the fear that one day we will part and it would be the final goodbye..

In his eyes I saw innocence, one that he couldn't hide...
In his smile I felt real bliss, flowing from deep inside...
In his words I felt serenity, I felt at ease with the world outside...

Another step forward, another breath and another day...
Thinking and pondering why things had to be this way...

Loneliness fills my stride and I still try to be there and hold on...
Though there are nights when I honestly believe that all hope is gone..

I am my own heart beating in an empty room, I can hear the echo of each beat...
And when I'm overwhelmed with agony and pain, with pride, every tear I greet...

Another dream, another hope, another fear and another month to add....
I will not give up; I will fight for what I want, though I might feel alone, angry or sad...

Everything Burns...

Just heard this song on the radio, it reminded me of how I feel...

She sits in her corner
Singing herself to sleep
Wrapped in all of the promises
That no one seems to keep
She no longer cries to herself
No tears left to wash away
Just diaries of empty pages
Feelings gone a stray
But she will sing

Til everything burns
While everyone screams
Burning their lies
Burning my dreams
All of this hate
And all of this pain
I'll burn it all down
As my anger reigns
Til everything burns


Walking through life unnoticed
Knowing that no one cares
Too consumed in their masquerade
No one sees her there
And still she sings

Til everything burns
While everyone screams
Burning their lies
Burning my dreams
All of this hate
And all of this pain
I'll burn it all down
As my anger reigns
Watching it all fade away...

Written By My Younger Brother... Really Beautiful...

"That One"

People are always searching for that one person that they want to love, worship and never want to spend a moment without. This person is never found. If you're lucky enough you might spot that person, for he\she are always there waiting for faith to do its job, a job that resembles a beautiful sketch, profound art. As one can say…. That one is always next to you whether it's when you gave out your first cry to the world as well as the rest of events through out your life. That single soul that you can never hate nor criticize no matter how hard times get. No matter what mistakes are done. Once you get upset from them you see him\her smiling at you and you forget everything that went wrong. You can't think of anything except how heavenly that smile is, but that smile can't always save you from your back stabbing immaturity and that's when you lose control. You try to make that person realize how much you love him\her, except there is no way to prove your never ending love. Thinking and thinking about what to do, driving yourself insane, the only thing that gives you comfort and keeps you going is that some day that one might realize....

Have You Ever??

Have you ever known someone so well that you can say the word that will come out of his mouth before it does?

Have you ever loved someone so much that you'd do anything for them although you are sure you won't get anything in return?

Have you ever felt that the world was so small and you just couldn't breathe?

Have you ever seen your life fall apart infront of you and you couldn't do anything about it?

Have you ever woken up from a bad dream, shaking, shivering, crying and so afraid?

Have you ever experienced true happiness and lost it all in a glimpse of an eye?

Have you ever gotten scared of your mobile phone? Scared it won't ring when that "call" is supposed to come?

Have you ever been hurt, really hurt, and yet kept on fighting for what you want?

Have you ever knew what exactly you wanted in life and had no way of getting to it what so ever?

I know I have.... Yet here I am, still trying...

Speaking from Experience....

The words "masochism" and "sadism" are widely used terms... I am sure many of you have used them once in their lives or at least heard of them from a movie or maybe just read about them in a book...For those who have been lucky enough not to have gotten acquainted to them...
Masochism is:1. The deriving of pleasure, or the tendency to derive pleasure, from being humiliated or mistreated, either by another or by oneself.
2. A willingness or tendency to subject oneself to unpleasant or trying experiences.
On the other hand, Sadism is:
The deriving of pleasure, or the tendency to derive pleasure, from extreme cruelty.
Why did I choose these two words in particular to discuss here, today?
Well, honestly, I do believe now that many of us underestimate the human need to feel "rejected" or "not loved" from one time to another... This need arises from the inner need for pain and drama...
I will further explain:
Imagine this scenario:
A girl meets X . He falls in love with her and take care of her in every way she ever dreamt of... Yet, she still longs for "that other someone" who did nothing but bring her pain and make her feel so unwanted and insecure yet always stuck around to remind her of her loss...
The girl here is the masochist... She longs for, and may be even enjoys, these feelings of pain and longing... The way her tears fall down her cheeks every night... The fact that she can't eat or sleep...
"That other someone" is the sadist... He enjoys watching her suffer, hearing her cry and maybe boasting about the whole thing as well... Mind you, he will fall asleep as soon as he places his head on the pillow!
X is just a variable caught up in the middle of the chaos! (The Biggest Loser!)
I know many of you who will take the time to read this post might not agree, but as the title spells out, I'm speaking from experience and I do hope none of you see things the way I do... It's exhausting...

The Roles We Play...

On the stage of life, it all depends on how good we can act the roles we play, even though we don't always have time to practice them...

In the morning, we prepare ourselves to get started... (Of course, it's only at night when we don't actually act... We are who we are...)

We put on the correct costume for the role, whether the school uniform, a suite, a formal dress, or any other suitable choice, and we head out...

During the time we spend out, especially as employees (and sometimes as students), we learn to assume the tough personality, unbreakable role! We hide away our fear, exhaustion, sadness, pain, heart breaks.... And pretend we are fine...

We bury our soul and heart and only activate our brain cells! We switch of our feelings, emotions, wants and needs and focus on "what has to be done"....

Mind you, very few may notice that you are acting, because in reality, they are actors too!

Late at night, when we finally get to our bed (or maybe even someone else's!) and we take of the custome and retire from this tedious job for a few hours....

One of The "Good" Days at Work!

A Million Questions Left With Not One Answer!

Questions, questions, questions and even more questions!
That is what goes on through my mind all day long....
My head is a basket of question marks and my soul is a novel of unanswered issues!
What now? When? Where? Who? Why? How? and many others...

Wow, I just realized how long it was since I last wrote something about how I feel! I have so much locked up inside that i don't know where to begin!

I guess I'll try again tomorrow....

Today's Lesson!

Here is what it all boils down to:

Whatever you do, no matter how good it is or how hard you try, someone out there will still be unsatisfied!

So, what I learnt today is not to desperately try to please everyone all the time cause you know it's true what they say:

"You can't have your apples and eat them at the same time!"

P.S: I'm not depressed, I just had a very long and exhausting day at work, plus, I'm a little confused about many things in my life these days.... You see? It's a cycle of ups and downs, and supposedly, the steeper the downs, the more the joy the ups will bring!

Where is My Muse?

Sitting staring at the computer screen, thinking endlessly and aimlessly...
Looking at the keyboard, at the letters calling out for my fingers, for my touch...
It hit me... I'm afraid... I'm actually terrified!
It has been a while since I last wrote something new or added any of my writings on my blog...
As if my "muse" has left me... Bought a one way ticket some place far away from me and decided to settle wherever it landed!
Things haven't been easy on me the past 2 months or so:
The war on Lebanon, being stuck in Jordan, my new job, my new routine, my different life style... Everything is not the same any more... I feel alianted and confused... To an extent that makes writing about it almost impossible!!!
I used to take pride in my ability of writing when ever I'm stressed, angry, upset or hurt... And now, although all these describe what I'm feeling, they can't seem to provoke me to write!
I'm myself's tired mind... I crave for some stability and happiness... No, not even happiness, some content will do for now!

A Few Words...

To everyone who takes the time to look at my blog...
I was on a short trip in the past, thourgh memories and flashbacks...
And now I'm here again...
Missing every word I write! Missing every comment you grace me with...

My Brother & I...

This picture was taken when my little brother visited me in Lebanon and we went to this magical village called "Ni7a"...

We both loved the place... It was filled with green trees and scenary and humble and generous people...

اشتقتك با لبنان

If You're Gone ... (MatchBox 20) - One of My Favorite Songs

I think I've already lost you
I think you're already gone.
I think I'm finally scared now
You think I'm weak - But I think you're wrong
I think you're already leaving
Feels like your hand is on the door
I thought this place was an empire
But now I'm relaxed - I can't be sure

I think you're so mean - I think we should try
I think I could need - this in my life
I think I'm just scared - I think too much
I know this is wrong it's a problem I'm dealing

If you're gone - maybe it's time to come home
There's an awful lot of breathing room
But I can hardly move
If you're gone - baby you need to come home
Cuz there's a little bit of something me
In everything in you

I bet you're hard to get over
I bet the room just won't shine
I bet my hands I can stay here
I bet you need - more than you mind

Not Just Another Day...

Another day, not without "you", just with "me"!
A new day, a new challenge, I struggle to be…
The sense of my superiority overwhelms my humble mind…
The real I, my essence in life, begin to unwind…
As the trees sing their morning songs and sway …
I close my eyes and listen to the rhymes they play…
As I watch the sun rise from behind the hills of this once unfamiliar place…
I see myself standing in front of all the troubles I might face…
I take a look at the sky above and wave to its blues and mine…
A pale sense of safety enters my soul and for the first time, I feel things are going to be finally fine…
I regain my breath and collect the scrambled pieces of my sense being…
Push away all the obstacles that stood in the way of me clearly seeing…
Another day, not "away from home", trying to adapt to my new one…
Some doubts still remain yet many fears are gone…
There must be a higher power that is smiling on me from the heavens above….
It granted me peace, a dim ray of glowing hopes, and love…

The Post-War Pictures of Lebanon's Beaches...

It breaks my heart to see these pictures...

And we all know it does not end there...The houses that were destroyed every day, the bridges and streets that were torn down, the people who were killed...

Yet, Lebanon will survive.... Remember this song???

....لبنان يا قطعة سما

Dedicated to My Peace of Mind!

A faint yet cold summer night's breeze, creeps into the windows of my room...

I'm here awake, thinking of what's happening with me and what I need to do...

Wherever I seem to be, chaos seems to grow and so disturbingly bloom...

And the roots of hopes and dreams just suddenly become dull and blue!

Some might say: "Why do you always think negatively? You have a great life ahead of you!

You are smart, beautiful, energetic, successful.." and other traits they might add....

I know many might consider all these true...

Yet, as I wait for the morning sun to enter and enlighten my soul, I can't help but feel sad!

Somehow, those I truly love I manage to chase away...

And in their place, the pure and utter desperation and misery stay...

I've lost so many loved ones along this long and tediuos road called: Being!

I've been living a lie, or just so blinded from seeing...

I want to make things right, I want to do all those I love something good...

I want to make them happy, I pray and wish that i actually could...

At the end, I just know that I should stop trying in vein...

And that one day, the rain will come and from my heart erase the pain...

Ramblings of An Unheard Soul!

Friday…. A long one.. Just like many before…

I FEEL LIKE I'M LIVING SOMEBODY ELSE'S LIFE…
This is not my life… Where am I? Who am I? What am I?
This house is no longer my home… These streets no longer remember my foot steps…
This country does not recognize my name…
I see people… All these people, who are they? What do they want from me? All they do is just show my what an "alien" I am!!!

They are so good at saying: "Oh, you looked so good yesterday!!!" But then, if I do need any of them, where are they?

What do you all want from me?

I'm am not the perfect anything! I'm not the perfect daughter and that's for sure!

I can't take this anymore! It's too much!

Three Worst Men...

There were three men competing to see who the worst one in the world is.

The first one attacked a woman , beat her until her teeth fell out and she bled from her nose and ears. He beat her so savagely that she fainted. He turned to the others and said, "I am the worst one of all."

The second man stepped up to rape her and beat her further until she was almost dead. He turned to the others and said, "No one can be worse than me."

The third one stepped up, smiled coldly, and said, "No, I am the worst one even though I just stood by and watched, because this woman is my sister.

The woman is Lebanon and Palestine.

The first man is Israel.

The second is America & the West.

The third is the Arab world that stood by and did nothing.

Sleepless in Amman!

As I sit in front of the keyboard, I feel this urge to write. What? I don't really know! I just feel that there are so many things I want to say and share with a few people, those who are the closest to me and I feel that something is keeping me from doing that… What? Well, I do have an answer for that question… It may be fear of their reaction; their shame, confusion, misjudgment or just the mere look on their faces that says: "What the hell are you doing?"

I am loaded with hopes, pains and tears yet hopeful to obtain happiness, smiles and tranquility…

I feel like a candle at this moment: beautiful to look at, while the light of me flickers in those observers' eyes, yet, if I were to be touched, I could burn the hands of those who try, I could burn them down completely…

I feel so isolated from the world I live in… I feel like an outcast… A flower in the midst of a scorching desert… I drop of water in an ocean of rain…. A breeze in a winter's storm…

It's really strange, ironic and painfully real how this life tends to build our hopes and burn them down in the blink of an eye… How we really feel happy and joyful at one moment and then, just like that, we are burdened with the fear of the unknown, of what's to come…

It has been a while since I've been at ease with myself, with my own existence… It has been so long since I felt at ease with the world around me… I find no real joy in what's around me, no matter what I do… And I blame people around me for that and the country that I'm in for this state of confusion, when, really, there is only me to blame…

See there is always this black and white, still the grey remains a significant part of our being… We humans can not always know what the right (white) decision is, or how to evaluate the path we are on… Things are much more complicated to us than colors… Maybe even equations and formulas would not be able to explain our state of being…

Then what? What next? How should we deal with it?
Well, I've thought about this a lot… A friend once suggested writing down what I think about in points and evaluating the situations by placing a column for advantages and another for disadvantages… But come on, who can differentiate those? I mean really….

Whether it be friends, family members or simply a loved one… How can you know for sure how to act? How can you do what should be done? All with regard to your well being and content at least…

I'm lost again… I'm lost for words, in words, out of words… I'm lost in truth and in lies, in wrong and right, in black and white that I don't know where I am or what my true color is….

Here, at this point in my life, where I feel proud of my achievements yet weak and broken down, I know no reality, no peace, no composure… The world can see through me just as they could see through a piece of glass! I'm transparent and openly available for comments and opinions….

Every day I wake up, is "just another day" with suspended dreams to saddle my stride…

I aim to seek my dreams… I aim to seek my goals… I aim for stability once again and for true feelings…

I wish for love… I wish for it to find me, at any place and any time and to free me from doubt and fear…

I wish for a brighter day, a new beginning, a fresh start…

I want to shout, scream, cry and let it all out!

I see my future ahead of me… I run after it but it just seems to be getting away… "Wait for me, I will be there…"

I opt for a quicker end of this misery… For a chance to just "get out and be free"… But then again: Where should I be? What should I do? And would anything else make me a happier person?

A New Experience on My Calendar of Maturity!

I feel that I'm inclined to share this recent experience of mine with all those who read my posts on a daily basis or at least every once in a while…

After having been "stuck" in Jordan for the past 3 weeks, something overwhelming happened… and I just realized a new inner power I have which couldn't have been revealed in any other way than this "misfortunate happening" in Lebanon!

So my experience, in return, made me believe in another theory, that all things do happen for a reason and that the flow of events, even if painful and heart breaking, are never just random; that things do happen for a reason….

Going back to my childhood in Amman… I was what they call a "tom boy"! I had problems dealing with people and with guys in particular… I mean what can you expect from a child who left her country of birth and friends to live in another country where everything is new to her? What do you expect an 8 year old girl to do when she has to change 4 schools in around 9 years?
I had no self confidence what so ever, very shy, very isolated and always on my own or with one female friend who I chose to stick around with… (By the way, I briefly refer to this in my unfinished Novel)

I remember now, with a smile on my face, all those guys that I used to admire, or just simple like, back in those days… I remember clearly how I never "had the guts" to speak to any of them… I mean what would I say? We barely had anything in common! Plus, I was so buried in my shame that I couldn't even utter a word, or even a look, to any of them! This was so painful to me before, now I look back at it and I smile… with pride, with confidence and with certainty…

I have always wished that the day would come and I would have a chance to fulfill one of my "humble" dreams and be able to walk up to any of those guys and open up any decent subject and just talk… I believe that day has finally come…

I have grown up and I did change, in many ways of course, but most importantly, I have reached a point where I can do whatever I believe in and not care for the consequences, as long as I know it's right and I am sure it won't cause pain to those around me…

Today marks a very special day in the calendar of my maturity… As it is the day I finally conquer one of my childhood fears by calling one of those guys and just talking to him…

Don't get me wrong, I don't think of this guy or any other, as a potential boyfriend… I just feel so glad and happy that I can just talk, you know, about life, work, university and the past 12 years with no shame and no fear…

This experience has been building up for the past 2 weeks… I have been meeting a lot of old classmates and people who were with me in one of the schools I had been to in Amman… I experienced this adrenaline rush while talking to each and every one of them… It was amazing… Indescribable…

The beauty of it is that all the credit goes back to me… I have crossed so many roads, stumbled and fell so many times and I am here… Standing with pure confidence to say: "At last, I did it my way!"

I know, I'm sure actually, that many of those who did not "get bullied" at school and had friends by their side all along would not begin to appreciate this experience of mine… But I'm also sure that those who know me will find this as both stunning and amazing… Cause they always see the "strong" side of me… The girl who is out going, has so many friends, a great social life and is always busy doing this and seeing those…

Thank you… Each and everyone of you who will read this piece of writing that put me at ease…

Wow! Can You Believe These "People"!!

Really these Israelis amaze the world by how much they can either be fools themselves, or "try" to be fool, or maybe try to fool the world around them.

In reflex to the Kana massacre, one of the "smartest" (and I mean dumbest of course) attempts to cover up for a massacre they are trying to escape was the following text, which i am quoting from an article posted on Jerusalem Post magazine:

"According to one of the Web sites raising questions about the affair, Israel Insider, "the accumulating evidence suggests another explanation for what happened at Kana. The scenario would be a setup in which the time between the initial bombing near the building and morning reports of its collapse would have been used to 'plant' bodies killed in previous fighting... place them in the basement, and then engineer a 'controlled demolition' to fake another Israeli attack."

This is one of many "really smart" explanations to this unhumanitarian massacre!!!Israel, stop "trying" to fool your people and the world, the truth is too obvious, and everyone knows it.

Free world, humanitarian world, this is the time for action.

Hopes of A Hopeless Girl.. Part I

Her prompt mind ran through the bundle of possibilities—did she finally find him? The man she had stopped looking for a few years back? The dream of being happy, the one she had lost hope for long time ago? and now, as she held the cold lifeless phone in the palm of her hands, she imagined him doing the same trying to picture his face.

He would have a sincere smile on his face, a beautiful one and eyes that are loaded with innocence and purity. She knew this inherently, being naturally trusting herself. Preconsciously, she knew this wasn't "just a fling", it was the real thing, it was love, once again, knocking on her door, and when she wouldn't open, it would come through the window, straight into her heart and soul.

Even now, as she pushed an errant strand of brown hair behind her ear she worried he would know, distinctively, what she was feeling. To be thought of as simply a beautiful woman was bridling, unthinkable. But she was beautiful... fatally, stunningly prepossessing. Yet the genuine and unique relationship she commanded deepened the yearnings of her heart... to let it open, to let someone in.

She's a writer. That's what writers do, they imagine how people behave. She had to admit that she had noticed him. Writers do that... Notice people. She saw that he wore that same burdened look on his face, so she took her chances.

Sliding out of Time

They're saying it's the week-end. The last sunny hours before sunset...
A soft summer breeze is blowing.It's calm, you can hear crickets, and a few birds, chirping in the distance.
They say you can tell the temperature by the frequency of a cricket's chirp...
Behind a blue curtain, a boy is playing the guitar, he seems to be singing;"We're not gonna die....
"Strange melody, strange words...
Outside a house, by an olive tree, a little girl with beautiful auburn hair is strolling back and forth on her scooter.
Far away, the sea glitters under the sun's golden reflection,But you can't see Beirut, it's lost in the haze, or the smog, or is it just lost?Is that the hum of a warplane? Or is it the remnants of another southern shelling?
This light, these warm smells of summer brush, these colors, these sounds, this "calm",
Are constantly screaming out for peace in silence...Something does not make sense when such beauty is raped.The hum is louder now, it's definitely a jet plane.Something is absurd when daily, every smile we draw tastes like salt,When every rare burst of laughter almost crushes our chest into arrest.But we still appreciate the simple runaway moments,
The cool air when the ground starts to breathe after sunset,
The moon hanging over the poisoned sea,
The certainty that there is something immortal to this land,
To this blood,T
he feeling that even if we don't get to witness or confirm it,
This country and these people will live forever,
As magical as that, As simple as that.
You can't kill magic with metal and hatred and fire.
You can't touch what you can't see, what you can never understand,Because long ago you let fear eat you up, and turn you into a blind monster.
"I shall kill, and oppress, in order to never be oppressed or killed, ever again."Makes sense, if you are ready to go through life without living it.
Without soul.
Without magic.
Wake up.

Christophe Katrib
29/07/06
Lebanon.

To The Arabs... With... Love??

Our war began, as it may end, with us starting at our television screens, which we sat in front of for long hours, days and nights… And where the news broadcasts have become our daily breakfast, lunch and dinner meals!

We carried out bags and filled them with the ammo of condemning, swearing and profanities. We stood in front of the enemy's artillery and we threatened: "Don't You dare!!" After all, we are people who have the ability to use the most expressive words at any situation…

We throw our bodies down on our chairs, or on our beds, and we complain about being tired… Are we really tired? Or is it the Arab world that is grousing from tiredness?

The human being has become the cheapest commodity being sold among those big players in the market! This weak and helpless human being who now is lucky to have a vast variety of choices to find death; a bullet, a rocket, or just get buried under some fallen building!

A new barbarian, destructive, vicious and inhuman massacre… Its victims being 60 people, with 38 of which are children… How can we sleep? How can we eat? How can we drink? What we care about is our comfort… How can we be that naïve and careless? When, out there, exists someone who has lost a mother and a father, a sister and a brother, a daughter and a son, an infant, or maybe a whole family??? How can we when many are being killed randomly, as if they were sheep being slaughtered on the first day of Eid!

We lost our courage, we blinded our ears and numbed our feelings…Justice? Where is it? It probably has gone with the wind…. Let us at least keep some of our pride… Just some!

Instead of glaring at the television screens, those that are painted with the blood of our people, why don't we try to do something? Anything? Why don't we just try? What are we afraid of?

Enspired by: One of my fellow bloggers...

Qana II....

Why all this hatred? Well, as a friend told me, and I totally agree, we would never think of "signing a bomb" to be launched against Israel... Although I guess we are not to blame if we do so after all the pain and destruction they are causing our people... So why? How could someone be so insensitive? So brutally cold? This is pure cold-blooded murder!
This indiscriminate death of civilians, all these children, corpses, packed in bags to be buried in some collective grave....

I'm speechless.... A moment of silence for all those innocent souls and more to come....

In The Memory of Naji Al Ali....

غابت شمس الحق - جوليا

غابت شمس الحق
وصار الفجر غروب
صدر الشرق انشق
وتسكرت الدروب
منرفض نحنا نموت
قولون رح نبقى
أرضك والبيوت والشعب العم يشقى
هو ألنا يا جنوب
يا حبيبي يا جنوب

كلن يا جنوب باعوك الكلام
والعدل مصلوب ومع ينزف السلام
شو همنا الحروب
شو همنا الحروب
رح نبقى نحنا هون
ويفنى كل الكون
ولا ينقص حبة من ترابك يا جنوب

منخاف يا جنوب من غدر الزمان
من ويل الحروب من لوعة الحرمان
مع كل اللي صار
رح تبقى النا الدار
ورح يرجع شجر الغار
يزهر بأرضك يا جنوب

This is Painful, To the Point of Laughter!

Can You Believe The Audacity!!?

While browsing through blogs, reading posts, this is one of the posts that caught my eye and gave me a sick feeling in my stomach!

Bush: The slaughter of innocents is an "opportunity"

In his weekly radio address on Saturday, President Bush called the conflict in the Midlle East "painful and tragic" but also "a moment of opportunity for broader change in the region."

What opportunities??? A new Middle east? Like this one below??? Is this what we really want??